Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • Day 1170

    Yesterday was hard for a few reasons, but I still managed to make slight progress with my weight this morning, dropping another few ounces according to the bathroom scale.

    My stress and anxiety are nearly crippling me right now but I have to get through. I have too many things I need to do and too many people I do not want to disappoint. If I were to disappear it would leave a heavy burden on those that I love so I am going to keep struggling through.

    I am not suicidal. There is a difference in my mind between wishing I was gone versus actively thinking of making myself gone. I will not harm myself. I will not carelessly put myself in harm’s way. I am just really struggling right now, and the only reason I can think of to stick around is to clear up my messes so that they do not become a burden to others. I am hurting, and I feel completely alone.

  • Day 1142

    I had a very difficult conversation with my wife yesterday. I think she now has a better understanding of the depth of my troubles these last few months. I hated having to put so much weight on her, but I will not lie to her.

    My weight loss has been a complete and total failure these last few months, and every attempt I have made to make it better has been a failure. The fact that it is not worse is nothing more than luck. I am going to have to figure out some changes.

    I woke up this morning in pain. It is not a serious pain, but it is in my foot and it is an outbreak of gout. Fortunately, and for the first time in a couple of years, I have the medicine that is meant to take ‘in the event of outbreaks’ and I took it right away. I will take it thrice daily until I am no longer in pain. I hope that is not very long.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1140

    Progress is soooo slow. A couple of ounces per day is not going to cut it when I look at my deadline in less than a week.

  • Day 1139

    My weight was down this morning, but not as much as it might have been had I been able to successfully move my bowels before breakfast. When I finally did, I was certain that my weight might have dropped a bit more significantly. As it stands, I have another 8 lbs. to lose to get below the terrible mark before March 10. Is it achievable? I do not know.

    The last few days I have been spending hours trying to get onto the page that will let me reschedule my appointment in Montreal. I have hit the Refresh button so many times that I am surprised my IP address was not flagged for a potential DDoS attack. Well ladies and gentlemen, this morning I was finally successful, and in just under three weeks I will have my second kick at that can. Yes, I have to head back to Montreal for a few more days… but maybe just maybe this time will be the one, and we will all live happily ever after.

  • Day 1138

    I am pissed off that my weight is now dropping in increments of .2 lb. rather than anything substantial. Now that I have a looming deadline – that sucks. I am not focusing on this today because I have a lot of work to catch up on. Have a great day!

  • Day 1137

    I did 1.5km on the treadmill yesterday, but despite that I did not hit my steps goal. Today is my day to get back on track.

    I woke up with a headache, but it was not bad enough to take a pill. I am reconsidering that decision a few hours later. I did sleep pretty well (Sleep Score of 81), and my weight did drop a tiny little bit… but not nearly enough for me to think that I will achieve my short-term goal of dropping below the terrible mark by March 10. Boo.

    I am going to try to do 5km on the treadmill today. I am also not buying bread products for the next couple of weeks. Let’s see if I can do it.

  • Day 1134

    I am down three pounds in the last couple of days, and if I can find the energy to not be sick today, I will try to dust off the treadmill. I slept terribly last night though and am going to go back to bed for a little while.

    To be clear: Yes, my weight is down again this morning… that does not mean that I am happy with where it is. Two days ago I looked at the numbers on the bathroom scale and wanted to vomit… or worse.

  • Day 1132

    The bathroom scale has been wonky these last couple of days, and that is not a good sign. I weigh less than I did yesterday, but still over 310 lbs. which absolutely disgusts me. I ate very poorly yesterday… until around 2pm. After that I did much better.

    Today is my first day of getting back on track… and I am getting back on track.

  • Day 1131

    Desperate times… I am throwing out a lot of crap today. I am cutting down my portions, and I am getting onto the treadmill.

  • Day 1129

    Stress. Anxiety. Sadness. I have to get past this all. Tomorrow I am going to get onto the treadmill and am going to try to walk or jog my blues away. Today I will be out and about helping friends.