Losing a part of me

Category: Eating

  • Day 833

    I knew that eating pizza for dinner was not going to be a good idea for my diet, but I did it anyways. I did not expect to gain quite as much weight overnight as I did, but it is a small price to pay to make a young boy happy on his first night home with us in a week… and his first night back in his previously usurped bedroom in months. I ate too much, I ate too late, but I did not expect to gain three pounds overnight. I will do better today; in the event that we decide to get something else for dinner that is incompatible with my progress then I will have my leftover steak for my meal as Leslie and her son indulge.

    I can blame my eating as much as I want, but something has to be said for the fact that I barely broke 1,000 steps yesterday. Yes, I worked… but I did not walk the dog, I did not do anything… I do not even remember leaving the house at all, owing to a forgotten lunchtime meeting which saw Leslie run to the grocery store to pick up provisions. I will make sure to take Duchess out for a good walk this afternoon, and hopefully tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me than it was this morning. Tough love hurts.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 827

    Yesterday went exactly as planned with regards to eating. I had my omelette and some matzah with almond butter and jam for breakfast, and then for lunch I prepared a lovely salad for Leslie and myself: sliced cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Vidalia onion with a chicken breast chopped into it. I poured a little bit of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar into the bowl and then tossed it. Leslie crumbled some matzah on hers, but I decided not to. It was delicious. For dinner we had our Passover seder (three days late) which consisted of a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls, a hard-boiled egg, matzah with charoset, and a roasted chicken that I seasoned with zaatar. For dessert we had a couple of macaroons. All of this was (of course) kosher for Passover, and aside from the four glasses of wine (which are required for the service) I think I did well both with content and moderation.

    Around 4pm I got a call from an unknown number in Hamilton, Ontario. A young lady had found Her Royal Floofness and called the number on her necklace. It seems my buddy had let her and his (much larger) dog out into the backyard, and when she discovered a hole that a rabbit had dug under the fence, she decided to go exploring. I immediately called my buddy who went and got her (she had not gone far), and Princess Sophie was home safe and sound within a few minutes. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I decided to take a dram of scotch. I doubt anyone would fault me for that. Leslie saw me doing it and approved.

    Due to my recent travel issues and other stressors, my finances are not in a good place right now. I decided yesterday afternoon to email one of my vendors who had an outstanding balance, and he apologized for the tardiness… he had been on vacation with his family, so everything was a few days late. The money was in my account this morning, and I was able to pay down my credit cards so I have a little breathing room, as well as transferring money to my Canadian bank so that I will be able to pay my rent and child support on or before May 1. Phew! I may not be the best father to my children, but I have never missed a child support payment and I never will. My policy is that I will not buy food or drink or cigars before paying that particular obligation.

    On that same topic (my children) I just had a very upsetting phone call with my ex-wife. My son the younger is having a lot of issues, and we are working to get through them. I am hoping and praying that he will be okay, and I am going to do everything I can to help. I thank G-d that Theresa is such a good mother.

    Okay, it is time for me to get working. Have a great day!

  • Day 826

    This morning was the first day in a week that I woke up in our apartment and not in a hotel room. I was thrilled for the good night sleep that I got, and for being able to sleep in our own bed without having to lock the door for fear of being intruded upon. I was excited that we did not have to drive back to the apartment to take Duchess for her walk and to feed her and to give her attention. Last night was thrilled to be able to teach my class in peace from the comfort of my wife’s desk. The only negative emotion that I could not shake was the horror that I would be stepping onto the bathroom scale this morning.

    I did not eat well this past week, and I have not been dishonest about it. Most of my meals were decent enough, but I just snacked way too much… and in terrible quantities. I was horrified that I was going to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to see that I had gained ten pounds in a week. I also knew that if I did, then I would a) now weigh over 290 lbs. (and close enough to 295 to be worried); b) I would have gained a full 50 lbs. from my best weight ever; and c) I would be within a bad day or two of that dreaded 300 lbs. mark… the mark that I said that I would never even flirt with again. If there was one reason why I did not sleep better than I did last night, then it was that.

    At the end of my bathroom rituals I stepped onto the scale with trepidation. The app was open on my phone, and I was dreading where the numbers would stop. When they did, I was shocked. Since my last weigh-in on Wednesday, my weight was down 2.8 lbs. Yes, you read that correctly. With all of the chips, nuts, fruit, and other goodies that I had overindulged on, not to mention the bagels (before Passover) for breakfast and over the past three days a lot of matzah with peanut butter and jam, and with no exercise to speak of (save for walking Duchess)… my weight had dropped nearly three pounds in the week. I weighed less this morning than I have since I got here… and for three days before that

    I cannot see this as a sign that I can be complacent. Everything that I have said over the last few days will stand. When Ryan starts on his program in May I am going to do it with him… at least for a few weeks. I am going to try to be more mindful than I have been. I am going to do my best to not let stress and anxiety make me drop my guard and eat more than I should. I am going to continue to weigh myself daily and journal daily and make sure that when I do have a bad day that I make things right over the next few days.

    I may have gotten a reprieve this past week (which my wife says is probably due to the enormous amount of stress), but that does not mean that I am happy with where I am. Most of my pants do not fit, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I am a fat man. I do not mean this based on the psychological perception… I mean that I see that I am fat and too damned big. At my absolute lowest weight I was just under 240 lbs. and now I am 282, which means I am nearly 45 lbs. heavier than I was seven months ago. It is time to be done with that and to get back to where I was then. I will continue to journal, but not just about ‘this is what I did yesterday’ or ‘I don’t have anything to write.’ I will use this journal to do what it was meant to from the very beginning… to hold myself accountable.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 825

    Ding! Dong! The witch is gone! I do not want to go into any great detail on this here (although it might one day be the subject for a book). Suffice it to say that the woman who has gone out of her way to make my wife’s life unbearable is finally gone… we think, we hope. We suspect that she has now moved on to her next victim and I feel terrible for whoever that may be.

    This morning we dropped Leslie’s son off at school, and then after walking the dog we went back to the hotel to pack up and check out. It will be a relief to sleep in our own place again tonight. As I type this I am sitting at Leslie’s desk waiting for my class to start. I have some lovely chicken breasts marinating in a barbecue sauce that will be our dinner afterwards, along with some charoset (a Jewish dish traditionally served at the Passover seder, made of apples, walnuts, sweet wine, cinnamon, and honey).

    Speaking of the Passover seder, thanks to the issues we were having we were unable to do it the last two nights. Because I have to teaching this evening, we cannot do it this evening either. We are planning to do it tomorrow evening which is late, but it is better thank nothing. Leslie knows that it is an important celebration, and even though it will only be the two of us… we can celebrate it and I will recite to her the story of our exodus from the land of Egypt and the bonds of slavery.

    Of the myriad reasons I am relieved that we are back home, one huge one is that I have had a lot of trouble with my eating this past week. It is just easier to eat well when we are preparing our own meals. This afternoon we had a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls (store bought but still tasty). This evening is our chicken breasts. Hopefully there will not be a lot of snacking in between. As it is, I am deathly afraid of what the bathroom scale is going to tell me tomorrow morning. I am certain I will weigh more than 290 lbs., which means that I will have gained a full fifty pounds since my best weight ever… just seven short months ago. It is time to get back on track.

    Have a great day folks! It’s time to teach!

  • Day 816

    Today is my first full day in Dallas, after a long travel day yesterday. I was up at 2:30am to be at the airport for a really early flight, but all went well. No, I did not eat particularly well… but I also did not eat particularly badly either. This morning I stepped onto Leslie’s bathroom scale and was delighted to see a drop… and not a small one! I dropped nearly four pounds, so while I am still above the 280 lbs. mark, I am thrilled to be back (significantly) below 285, which really upset me yesterday morning… until I realized that I was weighing myself at 2:45am, that I had hardly slept at all, and that I had not successfully moved my bowels. None of that really tamped that I was so freaking heavy… but at least I got back down today.

    Speaking of today, it has been a mostly good work day… if long. I had my usual breakfast, but for lunch I just made a couple of pieces of toast, as I did not feel like going out to pick anything up. After my daytime class I had a reasonable portion of dried mangos, and then a reasonable helping of crackers. My class will be over in ten minutes, and Leslie has ordered Chinese food for us for dinner: I asked for soup, spring rolls, and the Buddha’s Delight (a vegetarian dish which we quite enjoy). After that we will enjoy a cigar, and it will be another quiet evening… I am still catching up on my sleep and after a 12-hour day of teaching I need it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 815

    Okay, change of plans: I am flying to Dallas this morning and not waiting until next Saturday. Why? My wife is having trouble with something that I can help her with, and nothing else matters. You do not mess with my family. She and I have had our issues, but we are working on them and doing very well with that… but even if we were still having trouble then I invite you to reread the italicised sentence: You do not mess with my family. Someone is about to find out that they have messed with the wrong f.cking Jew.

    Yes, I continued to stress-eat the last few days… there were a lot of moving pieces that I needed to put right before I could actually make that change to just get onto the airplane, including (but definitely not limited to) asking my very good friends who are taking care of Princess Sophie to pick her up yesterday and not Friday. I had a hundred other things that needed to get done as well, none of which I could do while waiting on hold with American Airlines for nearly two hours trying to change my ticket. I then went nuts getting things done, all of which had to be put on hold while two friends came over for a cigar (one of which was picking up the Princess, the other picking up something that I thought I had another week to get to him). I had banking, shopping, paying bills, sending invoices, and all of that before I packed for a three-week trip. Yes, I was stressed. Oh, and it did not help that I felt that I needed to eat more because there was food in the fridge that would spoil otherwise.

    And now I’m at the airport waiting to board. I hope to sleep on the plane, but even if I don’t, I slept pretty well last night. I am excited to see Leslie, and I am girding for the fight to defend her. Do not mess with my family.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 800

    I had a great day yesterday but for whatever reason I did not sit down to write. Oops.

    I continue to sleep very little but am not at all tired throughout the day. That might have something to do with how much coffee I drink when I am here… or it might just be because of the air. Either way, I am relaxed and happy on four or five hours per night.

    My fitness watch battery is at 5% and I will be happy if it makes it through one more day. If not, then I will have a couple of days without measurements in the app… but I will still be walking and aiming for 15,000 steps per day. I will continue to eat smartly. I am still hoping to be very happy with my weight when I step onto the bathroom scale Wednesday morning. As it is, the Hawaiian shirt that I could not wear Monday seems to be a bit more comfortable today. I promised someone I would send them a picture of myself in it, which I was able to do this morning, so I see that as an indicator that I’m doing well. The scale will tell the numbers, but more importantly the way my shirts and sports jackets fit is more important.

    I am meeting my steps goal every day without a problem. As was the case on my last visit here, the only vehicles I have been in are taxis to and from the Hotel Nacional with friends. To be honest, I did take a cab back alone that night, but it was late and I wanted to see a friend before their shift ended. I made up for it by walking another few thousand steps before turning in.

    It is amazing how many Jews I have met on this trip, which is to say that I have met at least six of them… including one native Cubans who is with the local Chabad house. I confess it never occurred to me that there would be one! Last night at dinner the guys at the next table were from Tel Aviv and we had a great conversation. They asked me why I wear my kippa here instead of a hat. I told them that had I been wearing a hat then I would never have met most of the Jews that I have met. Havana is a very safe city and Cuba is very accepting of all religions (while not condoning any one of them), but if someone does not like the fact that I am Jewish (and Israeli) then I like knowing… and if they confront me then I’ll happily handle that situation. In the meantime, I was able to light my Shabbat candles in my apartment last night. I was alone, but as I lit them I know that I was with all of the people I pray for, and with the whole Jewish nation. There is n irony to being able to do this freely in a country that is so poor and the people are oppressed… just like we have been so many times.

    It is another gorgeous day and I am enjoying my second day cup of coffee at my buddy‘s bistro. In a little while I will head out for my day. I have to stop by my apartment because I took my laptop bag to bring him some things, and do not want to have to carry it all day. I will then set out to enjoy the rest of my day. It is the Sabbath, and I will take it easy… but if that were the only definition of the day then this entire week has been Sabbath!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 796

    Yesterday was a wonderful day from beginning to end. IY”H every day should be as good.

    After the ridiculously long, stressful, and expensive two-day span that was Saturday into Sunday, I landed in Cuba only one hour later than I had originally planned for, and was at my apartment by 4:30pm. I did not unpack, but I did go into my suitcase to find a pair of shorts and my sandals (I had changed into a short-sleeve shirt on the plane from Toronto to Houston) and I went out to meet my buddy only a few minutes later than expected. He and I spent the evening together, enjoying a coffee and then dinner… followed by another snack a little later. I was back in my apartment by 11:00pm, and while I was quickly running out of juice, I had to unpack and organize my kit before turning in. I turned on the water heater so that I would be able to shower before getting into bed, which I was finally able to do by 12:30am. I slept like the dead.

    I seldom eat well on travel days, and what with all of the stress and anxiety of the entire ordeal Sunday was no exception. After everything, I should have turned it off… but as we sat in the cafe-bar toward the end of the evening, as Johnny devoured his desert I compounded it by indulging in a plate of French fries. I knew it was wrong… and I did not and do not and will not feel bad or apologize for it. My step count for the day was 14,000, and my stress count was through the roof. I deserved every morsel and every calorie that I ate Sunday.

    Yesterday would have to be better… and it was. I did not eat breakfast, partially because the restaurant I had planned to eat at was not open yet, but also because I met a few guys from Kentucky at my buddy’s cafe and nibbled on a piece of their toast. For lunch I had a plate of pasta (which in Cuba is a reasonable size, and not what one might get in a restaurant in North America). Dinner was a plate of fried plantains and a chicken dish that likely had the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of an order of General Tao’s chicken… but again it was a reasonable size. I walked 17,000 steps throughout the day, enjoyed many cigars and cups of coffee, and the company of a few friends I always see when I’m here. In the balance, yesterday was a weight-plan success.

    After dinner I went back to Johnny’s bistro for another cigar and a video call, and I ran into the guys from Kentucky who joined me for a cigar… and pulled out a bottle of very fine bourbon. I relaxed until closing and then walked with Johnny as far as my apartment, where I picked up another cigar and then went to see my friend Gloria at her work. She and I chatted until nearly 3:00am, at which point I headed back to my place and had a very good (if short) sleep.

    This morning I ordered a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a couple of cups of coffee. Depending on whether or not people I met show up or not, I will either be leading a tour today, or I will just do my own thing in Habana Viella. While it would be great if they do show up, my day will likely be no better or worse if they do or not… it will just be different.

    My goal is to register 15,000 steps or more every day in Havana. That should not be a difficult goal to achieve, and will likely do much more than that some days. The only thing I need to be aware of is the state of my feet, remembering the problems I had with them on my last trip. Those problems started with a lot of steps in a pair of sandals that were probably well past their expected lifespan (measured in steps, not in age). I gave that pair away, and am wearing another pair that I had… which are older, but not nearly as well worn. After a day and a half in them (and over 30,000 steps) my feet seem fine, so I am optimistic. I brought running shoes just in case, but so far so good. If I need to then I will switch out for runners, but if I can manage it then my other goal is to return to Canada without having worn a single pair of socks the whole trip. We’ll see…

    If the group does not show up then I am planning to have a pizza for either lunch or dinner. The other meal will likely be fish or pasta. We’ll see. I did not feel the need to snack yesterday and while I was peckish by about 12:30am, I did nothing about it and went to bed a little hungry. I would have had to be much hungrier to decide to eat after 11pm. If I can make it through today without snacking then it will absolutely be another good food day.

    It has been some time since I wrote about my bowel movements, but this morning was so good that I feel I should mention that my system is working well, and I suspect that it was ridding my body of all the garbage I ate Sunday. As I walked toward my buddy’s bistro for breakfast I felt five pounds lighter.

    On the negative side, I was extremely disappointed with myself yesterday morning when I put on one of my new shirts and it was tight. I could have gotten away with it, but decided against it and changed into something looser. Hopefully within a few days I will try it on again with better results. While I am well aware that hope is not a strategy, I am truly hoping I can make that happen.

    It is now approaching 10:00am and my group is not here. As I said, either they will show up… or they will not. Either way…

    …have a great day!

  • Day 790

    I lost nearly a pound from yesterday, despite some stresses that I will not go into. Yes, I ate more than I should have. I even had a glass of wine with my friend in the evening. Still and all, yesterday was not nearly as bad as the previous day… except for one thing which I will not go into. I am doing my level best to put that stress and anxiety aside until the weekend. I will try to deal with it either Friday evening or Saturday, but I do not want to take it with me to Cuba.

    My weight drop this morning took me back below that abhorrent 280 lbs. mark that I peaked above yesterday. I cannot believe that after all of the work that I did over two years, one terrible, horrible, disastrous occurrence in my life has thus far caused me to gain back forty pounds. I have to get back on track. Ten days in Havana will be the beginning of that; the week that I am back I am going to try to get back onto my extreme program for at least a few days. We’ll see if I can do it. In the meantime, I have to just stop eating so much, and I have to stop making such bad choices. I hope that can stop right now.

    If you are wondering how screwed up I am… I accidentally (and irretrievably) wiped out two hard drives in one of my main systems, which means that when I am back from Cuba, I will have a lot of work to do to recover from. I am trying to start now… but wow, did this screw me up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 789

    I would have had decent things to write yesterday had I had the time, but alas I did not. And then… Then I had some bad thoughts last night. I started thinking about calling her… reaching out to talk to the person who I thought was and would forever be my person. That would not have been a good idea, but it put the thought into my head, and I started eating. I ate way more than I ever should in an evening. The result? After a two-day streak of losing weight, I gained… a lot. For the second time in a week my weight jumped by a ridiculous amount. It actually peaked over the 280 lbs. mark for the first time in a very long time. I have to get control of it… but I also have to deal with my emotions. I have five more days until I am on an airplane, and I will lose a bit of weight in Cuba. After that, I might return to my extreme program for a week or two… just to get back on track.