Losing a part of me

Category: Excuses

  • Day 1159

    It is today.

    Despite two large pours of whisky last night I was not able to sleep. I might have closed my eyes for two hours despite being in bed at 9:30pm. It will be an interesting day indeed. I only hope that I can keep my eyes open and alert through my interview.

    I did not make any good choices yesterday. I suppose it is excusable and understandable, but that does not make me feel any better about it.

    It is now 5:40am and I am already parked and waiting for the breakfast restaurant around the corner from my appointment to open. I have to wait another 20 minutes for them to let me in, but at least I can sit in the lobby of the hotel in which the restaurant is located. It is currently a balmy -5 degrees Celsius so the comfortable and warm couch is better than standing outside.

    In the next few hours I will know… or at least I will know more than I do now. The anxiety is killing me.

    The newly crowned prime minister of Canada called an election yesterday which means that the next six weeks will see the mud slinging between the parties. I am relieved that the election system in Canada is much more condensed than the American election cycle that never really stops; I only hope that we can be more respectful of those we disagree with than our American neighbours.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 259

    Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. We fast from sundown yesterday to sundown today, which means there will be neither meals nor meal replacements until dinner. It is a day when we ask G-d for forgiveness. I have a lot to ask, and will be in synagogue all day. Actually, I will be at the Canyon Club, which is a hall my synagogue rents for the High Holidays every year… but it’s the same thing.

    I did eat out yesterday… breakfast (a piece of avocado toast with tomato and a poached egg), and lunch (a half turkey sandwich from Von’s). Neither was over the top, although it would have been smarter to eat less bread.

    For dinner, my friend Kareene offered to cook for me, which was very nice of her. It gave me the chance to see her children (and her dogs). She prepared seasoned chicken brochettes with rice and grilled vegetables. On the surface, that sounds like a healthy meal that is completely friendly to my program. It should, by all accounts, have been a good meal to start my fast with.

    It may sound good, but in fact it was disastrous for both my fast and for my diet… although only temporarily. Here’s how:

    1. The brochettes were store-bought, and while they were very tasty, they were so salty that within 30 minutes my mouth and throat were crying out for water.

    2. The salt content caused me to retain water, and the numbers on the bathroom scale were extremely unfriendly this morning.

    I assume they over the next couple of days, the numbers on the scale will stabilize back to where they were yesterday. However, by the time I got home to my buddy’s house, I needed water. There was no way I could have made it through the night without.

    There are Jews who do not fast on Yom Kippur. There are some who will drink water only, or coffee, or whatever. I try to eat and drink nothing at all. This year I failed in that. I own it. With that said, I woke up this morning and did not have coffee, and I did not take a drink of water. I did brush my teeth and took my pills, but until we break the fast this evening, there will be nothing else. I hope that it is not too hard.

    It is great to see all of my friends down here. I don’t miss everything about California… but I do miss them.

    Have a great day, and an easy fast, and the best for a happy, healthy, and sweet New Year.

  • Saddle Up!

    I was extremely tired at the end of my work day, owing to the often-interrupted sleep I had last night. I felt a pain in my lower left shin, which could have been anything… or it could be nothing. I was unsure if the discomfort I had in my groin earlier in the week was completely gone, mostly gone, or was still there, and I had just gotten used to it. All this to say that I had every excuse in the world to stay in.

    I kitted up and headed out, hoping I could just do a few kilometres. Even as I approached Mainway Rd (less than a kilometre from home) I thought how nice it would be to return home. My first kilometre was 11m00s exactly, which did not bode well for a strong showing. By the time I turned up Guelph Line (3km into the walk) I was tired and hot… but did not feel the need to stop. Approaching Upper Middle (4km in) I had hit my stride, and decided to take a new route. By the time I was 7-kilometres into my walk I knew I could go longer, and kept up my pace. Despite that slow first kilometre, I had five kilometres that were between 10m16s and 10m20s, which is not only an impressive pace, but also speaks well to my form and consistency.

    • Distance: 10.01 km (9.03 km)
    • Duration: 1:44:36 (1:36:44)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:26 (10:42)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m16
    • Steps: 12.3k (11.7k)
    • Calories burned: 1,121 (1,073)
    • Elevation gain: 44.0 (40.0)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (120)

    I realized as I walked that my nice new Adidas shorts which I bought in Dallas are borderline too big for me, and they are going into the donation bag… along with several pair of pants that I pulled off my shelf this afternoon, having discovered to my delight that all of my Size-40 pants (except for the Levis jeans) fit perfectly.

    I have a long way to go. Even with my next two goals (first to 300lbs, and then to 260lbs, which will be my best weight in twenty years), I am over 20- and 60-pounds from achieving each respectively. I am over 100-pounds from my ultimate goal… whatever that final number will be. If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, then I am now eight months, 73-pounds, and hundreds of thousands of steps into my journey. I may not be there yet, but I can look back on where I have come from, then look forward to see where I am going, and know that I have made significant progress.

    As of today, I have dropped from a starting pants size of a 46” waist to a 40” waist… the shirts that I was embarrassed to wear because my belly was exposed are now too loose on me, and while my XL golf shirts are still a little tight, they are certainly wearable. I know that Leslie is proud of me, and I know it is weird to say, but it is equally (if not more) important that I am proud of me. Okay, both are really important!

    I am going to hit the shower, then I will call my wife to light the Sabbath candles. After that, a protein shake and a cigar are the order of the evening.

    See you tomorrow folks!

  • Achieving Your Goals

    I have often quoted the old trope that if you shoot for the stars, when you miss you still hit the moon. I stand by that, but it is still important to try to achieve the goals that you set for yourself. That is one of the reasons I set out on my walk this morning. Despite feeling sluggish, and the aches in my body from the last week of pushing myself, and the heat advisory, and every other excuse I could have come up with, I set out this morning so that I could achieve the goal that I had set a few days ago to walk fifty-five kilometres in a week.

    I took a familiar route this morning in a different direction, so while I was seeing all of the same things, I was seeing them from a different perspective. While I did not set out to do it this way, the route of my walk ensured that when I stepped onto the Itabashi Bridge in Burlington, I would reach my goal of fifty-five. It also meant that I still had one kilometre to walk to get home, but that is another story.

    My overall pace was hindered today (really, shredded) because of a freight train at a level crossing. I had to walk in circles leading to my second kilometre on Mainway east of Walker’s Line for nearly five minutes. While I did not stop – I walked in circles, looking pretty stupid to anyone sitting in a car watching – my pace dropped significantly. My overall cadence for the entire walk was 114 steps per minute, but what can you do? I still walked 7 kilometres in the heat, and I reached my goal.

    I think that one of the reasons that reaching my goal today was so important to me is because I look back on the weight loss goals that I have set, and failed each time. I felt that if I was ever going to really succeed… I mean, completely knock it out of the park in this multi-year plan I have to be a slim man, I needed to prove to myself that I could set a goal and not compromise, not make excuses, not say ‘I could have done it, but here’s why I decided I did not need to.’ I said that I wanted to fitness walk 55km in a week. I could have made every justification that ‘I took my dog for at least fourteen walks, and that more than put me over the top,’ or whatever else.

    I was tired yesterday, and I did not want to walk… but if I did not go out then I would have necessarily failed in my goal. I was not feeling it this morning, and I did not want to walk… but if I did not go out then I would again have failed. I pushed myself to go, and I made it.

    Leslie and I were speaking last night, and she suggested that for now, I should set my weight loss goal for 300-pounds. I think that is a good idea, because not only is it achievable, it is a medium-term goal that I can see hitting by October. After that, I will set new goals, and I will keep trying to do better. What will the next goal be after I drop below 300-pounds? Probably to get to 260-pounds, which was my absolute best weight in September 2020, and the lowest weight I remember being in the last twenty years.

    In the meantime, I am certainly not there yet, but just by looking at these photographs taken two hundred days apart you can see there is a vast improvement. I look forward to seeing what my Day 300 picture will look like.

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  • Forty-Niner in Six!

    Today was another day that I just did not feel like walking. Not only did I not have the get-up-and-go; not only was it hot outside; I woke up with pains in my shin, and figured that if I was overdoing it, I should take a rest before I actually get hurt.

    I also knew that when I woke up with my legs feeling the pain, it was a scant twelve hours since I had finished yesterday’s walk, and if I stayed on schedule – that is, walked toward the end of the afternoon/early evening – then my muscles would have another ten hours to recover. In the end, I decided to go for it. Yes, I was tired… but that did not stop me. Indeed, when I hit the road, I decided to walk further out than I had heretofore ventured. I walked up Walker’s Line to Dundas – a 2.5km jaunt – and then Dundas to Guelph Line, which is about 2km. Looking at a map of my walk, it looks like it is nearly a perfect square (Walkers Line – Dundas – Guelph Line – Upper Middle). I expect there is a group of urban planners out there somewhere who are quite proud of that.

    I was ready to stop for a rest several times, and when I got an urgent call just short of the 7km mark, I saw it as a perfect opportunity to sit for a few minutes. The positioning of my stop had the added benefit of being right near a convenience store, which was good because my water bottle was now empty. Forget the hydration, I needed electrolytes! Seeing the large fridge with every flavour Gatorade could have brought a lesser man to tears. A bottle of Cool Blue G-Zero was exactly what the doctor called for to fuel the last two-kilometres of my excursion.

    • Distance: 9.03 km (8.5 km)
    • Duration: 1:36:44 (1:33:00)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:42 (10:56)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m19s
    • Steps: 11.7k (10.8k)
    • Calories burned: 1,073 (991)
    • Elevation gain: 40.0 (34.1)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 120 (116)

    My outing today did not break any records, but I am not competing with anyone but myself, and my goal is not to win races, it is to lose weight and to get into shape. As such, this workout was a resounding success, and I am quite proud of it. I am also proud that today was the sixth consecutive day that I went for a fitness walk, ranging in distance from seven to nine kilometres.

    I have been on the fence all day about something. Yesterday I journaled that I was going to try to reach fifty-five kilometres in seven days. Earlier today, I wavered, thinking that if I did go out today, then I might take a break tomorrow… but if I was able to walk ten kilometres today, then that would give me fifty kilometres in six days. While I fell short of that by one kilometre, that does not mean that I have to be done for the week. I can still go out tomorrow, and even if I stop short at 6 kilometres, I will still achieve my original stated goal of fifty-five kilometres on the week. We will see.

    One thing is certain: while I am proud and thrilled that I have walked six days in a row, I do know that at some point I am going to have to take a day off to let my legs recover. Be that tomorrow or Monday, or even later, it is going to happen in the next few days. I love pushing myself, but I learned in the Army (the hard way) the difference between a pain and an injury. I can obviously endure a little pain, but I am nearly thirty years older than I was in unit training, and at my age when you ignore pains they will lead to injuries. I do not want that.

    My left heel did not bother me at all today. I did feel that my right shoe was a little tight, and that the (much less severe) blister on that foot might be a little bothersome – it is not causing pain, but there is definitely some swelling in my foot, which is causing the heel of my right foot to push against the shoe. If I do go out tomorrow, I will wear one of my more forgiving pair of shoes. I will not get the same performance, but I also want to give any swelling the opportunity to go down.

    It is time to hit the showers folks, and then I have a date with an angel! See you tomorrow!

  • Day 119

    There are several reasons why, over the past few days, I have missed blogging. Yesterday, Leslie and I landed at Pearson International Airport shortly after 3:00am; by the time we were through Customs and Immigration and collected our luggage, then drove home to Burlington, we poured ourselves into bed at 4:42am. If it was not for the annoying Covid screening test that she had to take within 24-hours of her flight home to Dallas, we could have stayed in bed and relaxed until we had sufficient rest. As it was, we got four hours of sleep, and while we made it through the day (and through today), we did so quite tiredly.

    There are people who say ‘I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.’ This was not the case for us. Indeed, we got quite a lot of relaxing done over our six days in Cuba. It was a late night flight that was delayed (no surprise) that caused our state.

    No matter. After the screening test, we picked up Leslie’s favourite Lebanese food for lunch, which she truly enjoyed… and which I enjoyed as well, both yesterday and today as leftovers. Yum! We had twenty-four hours left together, and we were going to make the most of them. We picked up HRF Princess Sophie after a quick trip to the grocery store, and we came home and enjoyed a lovely dinner together. It is sad that she had to go home… and that it will be another twenty-nine days before we are reunited.

    All of this time, and no mention of weights. Let’s clear that up. I stepped onto the scale yesterday morning, and I had lost two pounds in the last week. That is a resounding success when on holiday! It is also likely a mostly meaningless number. Travel messes with my system, and I knew that todays and tomorrow’s numbers would be a better reflection of reality. Nonetheless, down is better than up. I was worried that vacation indulgences would see my body weight creep over the 350 lbs mark again. It did not. This morning, I was up from yesterday… but not up to the weight that I was at the day we left. I am about .4 lbs down from then, which is, as I said, a huge success that I will celebrate.

    I should mention that last night I indulged. It was all emotional eating – I knew that Leslie was leaving today, and I was extremely sad. I was also stressed knowing how upset she is every time she has to go home. Let’s assume that the dinner that we shared – chicken gyoza and vegetarian spring rolls from the frozen food section at Fortinos, air fried to perfection, was a necessary meal. The handful of dried mangos that I ate was possibly excusable… fruit may have a lot of sugar, but it is still healthy. The chocolate covered marshmallow with M&Ms was a complete diet aberrance with no redeeming qualities other than taste. It was good, but the sugar rush made me sluggish and almost immediately sleepy. For someone who is not always good at seeing the immediate cause and effects of food, I am happy to see this. Lots of sugar equals no energy a few minutes later.

    We slept well, and this morning, after Leslie took HRF for a walk, we carried her luggage to the car, then went out for breakfast. Yes, I ordered the Healthy Start meal, or whatever they call it. I did not indulge… beyond having two mouthfuls of Leslie’s French toast. Lunch was leftovers, and I am now back on my plan… I hope.

    It was a great week, but now I have to get back to the serious business of losing weight.

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 89

    I am ashamed to admit it, but I ate a bunch of crap last night. I had my dinner earlier than I should have, so my last shake of the night at about 7:30pm. I was not satisfied, so I added a meal replacement bar to the evening. I was still emotional, so I broke down and had a bag of popcorn.

    I won’t go into the details, but sometimes we get emotional, sad, or whatever… and we veer from the program. I only hope it does not happen too often. I really have to get a handle on my emotions and exercise self-control.

    I am fighting with Air Canada. I have a flight credit that dates to August of last year; they assured me that I would have an e-mail confirmation with the code in ten days. Six weeks later I had not received it, but I needed to use part of it, and after spending several hours on the phone with them, I was able to… and they assured me that within ten days I would receive an e-mail with the code for the balance. That was September 20, more or less. That is 209 days… slightly more than ten days, once again. I spent an hour on the phone with one of their agents who assured me (after nearly an hour) that within ten days I would receive an email about it. I told him that his company was lying, as they have historically lied about this issue. Try as I might, he would not let me speak with a supervisor or manager. I am absolutely furious.

    My stress- and emotion-eating could have been worse. I was really tempted, especially after drafting my complaint letter to Air Canada, to go out and pick up… something. I don’t know if it would have been wings or a steak or whatever… it couldn’t be a pizza because of Passover, but it could have been a lot of things. I do not know what stopped me… other than knowing that I am going to the doctor’s office later this week, and I want to be able to reward myself after hitting that very important milestone; as bad as the crap that I ate was, it would only get worse if I didn’t stop.

    I do not know how it happened, but despite all that I ate over and above what I should be eating, my weight was down this morning. While it is still .4 lb higher than my best weight (last Tuesday), I was happy to be down nearly one full pound this morning. If I am able to maintain my rate of progress, then later this week I will be rewarding myself… with a steak.

    Yes, I said it. I have not had a steak since January. I told myself nearly a month ago that the day that I reach that milestone – losing enough to be able to weigh in on the doctor’s scale – that I would have a cheat day with a steak. I thought briefly about Buffalo wings or pizza or Chinese food… but all of those would have been too extreme. Yes, there are nearly 600 calories in an 10oz ribeye steak, which is more than I would eat in a meal on the program. It is a one-time reward… and I will enjoy it. I might wait until the weekend to enjoy it, but I will enjoy it nonetheless!

    I have some work to do today on the course I am writing for the end of next week, and this evening I have class. Somewhere between this and that I have to go shopping… I am out of vegetables, but that’s about it. Maybe I will take the opportunity to go for a good walk, which I have not done since my first 10,000 step day a few weeks ago.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 87

    I almost asked for a recount. I got onto the scale this morning and was a full two pounds over what I weighed yesterday morning. I am back above 350 lbs, and I am not happy about it. I will focus today to get back to where I was… focused.

    This morning’s weight gain was not a surprise. I went to see Lyle and Dorothy yesterday, and as I headed for home, I stopped to pick up a small container of milk. I was hungry, which is never the right time to walk into a convenience store. In fact, when you are dieting there is never a good time to walk into a store whose entire business model is to sell you fattening and unhealthy foods that are overpriced. I picked up an all-beef pepperoni, and a bag of peanuts (in addition to the 2% milk). By the time I got home half an hour later, all that was left was the milk, and the empty wrappers.

    I was not feeling particularly weak when I walked into the store. I was not sad or despondent. I was simply tempted by the myriad food choices that were all calling out to me.

    It was far too windy for a cigar yesterday evening, but I did have my holiday dinner. A piece of fish, a piece of chicken, a bowl of chicken soup. I should have cut one of those three out… but it was the holiday, and I defrosted what I defrosted, and that’s life.

    I am relieved that last night I finished the last of the expired meal-replacement shakes. Some of them tasted better than others, but they were the old formula, and the new ones taste so much better. I am enjoying my first new one in several weeks. Aside from better flavour, they are also creamier and smoother. I am definitely glad that the old ones are done, and if another lot of them comes up for sale I will be passing on them.

    Today I am going to do my best to get back on track. In a little while, HRF Princess Sophie and I will head out to see my friends Jacqueline and Matt, and their puppy Charley. We will not be out too late – I plan to hit the road to come home around 4:00pm. I do have to do some shopping today, but I will likely drop Sophie at home first, and then head out anew. While she does not really mind it, I do not like leaving her alone in the car while I go into the store. I need to pick up chicken and fish, some veggies, and of course my distilled water. I cannot think of anything else that I will need.

    Leslie’s plane is landing at Pearson International Airport in twenty-three days and twelve hours… if anyone is wondering how badly I miss her. We speak for hours every day, but it is not the same. Yes, it is true… the fact that she will be here in just over twenty-three days means that in just over twenty-four days we will be in Cuba, and I am excited about that… but I am much more excited to see my girl.

    It is a beautiful day outside today. Last night’s rain seems to have washed away the dirt, and there is nowhere near the kind of gusting winds we had yesterday. I strongly suspect that there might be a cigar in my future.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 86

    I cheated last night… twice. I paid for it this morning on the bathroom scale.

    I had wanted to try to steam either broccoli or cauliflower for a few weeks, and I decided that last night was the night. I put a crown of broccoli into a corning ware with some water. I spread some margarine on it, covered the pot, and put it into the microwave. I asked Lyle how long I should leave it in for, and he told me that five minutes should do… but I should really cut it up first. Oops. Too late for that. When it might have been done, I pulled it out of the microwave, sprinkled it with salt… and grated cheese. I gave it another minute in the microwave, and then voila, it was served. It tasted delicious… but neither the margarine nor the cheese was part of the diet program. It was not the worst thing in the world though, right?

    Later on, during my class but after the dinner break, I was still hungry. I decided to munch on some salt and vinegar rice crackers that I had bought for Leslie. I will have to buy her more, because I finished them off.

    Two cheats in a day must be punished… and the scale took back some weight from yesterday. If I am going to be under 350 lbs clothed on my next weigh-in at the doctor’s office on Wednesday, I cannot cheat much more this weekend. I will need to stay on track. I suppose then that it is a good thing I was not invited to a Passover Seder this year. Yes, it is sad… but as much as I love the holiday, I know that the foods at the Seder are too tempting for me to turn down. Next year, when I am at my ideal weight, I can make the Seder a cheat meal.

    I had just finished writing the paragraph of what I need to buy at the supermarket today… only to realize that the supermarkets are closed today for Good Friday. Oops. The simple revised answer to ‘what’s for dinner?’ is: Whatever I have in the freezer! I don’t know if I have any chicken left, but I know I have a piece of salmon, so that might be it. I have enough veggies for lunch and dinner, and while I might run out of milk on my second cup of coffee, that I can buy at any convenience store. I also have distilled water on my shopping list, but that is not an urgency, that is for the next time the humidifier in my humidor runs dry.

    I just checked, and I have a very small piece of chicken, and a very small piece of salmon in the freezer. I am defrosting both, and my Passover meal will be a multi-course dinner… with a salad, of course. It just occurred to me that I might have a container of chicken broth in the freezer. While I cannot make matzah balls (I wasn’t even able to find matzah when the stores were open), I can at least have a nice bowl of chicken soup with vegetables. I might need to find some carrots and maybe a couple of other veggies – the only one I have that would go into the soup is onion. No worries, I will make do.

    I have a study session to join for the course I am taking, and after that I will make a salad for lunch, and then I’ll head over to Lyle and Dorothy’s for a few hours. It will be good to spend a few hours with friends.

    Have a great day folks… and whatever holiday you are celebrating this weekend… enjoy it!

  • Losing and Gaining and Losing Again

    I wrote earlier about the times I have lost weight, and then gained it back. After I finished that piece, I decided to go back to look and see just how long it takes to fall from grace.

    The first time I lost the weight, I was following a medically supervised intensive program. I lost one hundred pounds in just over twelve weeks. It was great! I was feeling wonderful, I was looking better than I had in years. The Province of Ontario’s medical insurance (Ontario Health Insurance Program, or OHIP) allows you to do the program only once, and only for twelve weeks. After that, they essentially kick you to the kerb. I struggled to stay on track; I even tried to get back on the program. Unfortunately, the discipline required to restart once you have stopped was, at the time, beyond me. In July 2017 I weighed my best, around 265 lbs. By New Years or so I was back up around the 300 lbs mark. A year and a half later, in July 2019, I weighed around 370 lbs.

    My next honest try was in California. It was still supervised by a doctor, but this time I was paying for it out of pocket. I did not stay true to the program for one extended period of time, but over the next fourteen months I dropped down to my absolute best weight, 260.8 lbs on September 28, 2020. It was two months later that I last popped back over the 290 lbs mark, and on December 22 of that year I was back over three hundred pounds. I got back down to just under 285 lbs toward the end of January 2021, but on February 18 I was back above 300 lbs, where I have been ever since. By March 18 I was at 320 lbs, and around the day my father died (April 19) I was over 330 lbs. On the morning I flew back to Canada (July 16, 2021) I weighed in at 348.2 lbs. Over the next six months, during which I did not really weigh myself, I gained another forty-five pounds.

    I was not able to accurately weigh myself then, but on January 20, 2022, I was at my heaviest weight ever, somewhere around 392 lbs.

    Let’s recap: In August 2017 I weighed 262, and twenty-three months later I weighed 370. In September 2020 I weighed 260.8, and seventeen months later I weighed 390.

    If ever there was proof that I cannot let my guard down ever, and that this struggle with my weight is one that I will need to actively fight until the day that I die, it is those numbers right there. It took me less than two years to gain 108 lbs. It took me less than a year and a half to gain nearly 130 lbs.

    All it takes is my letting my guard down, thinking that I can eat the way I used to eat… or more accurately, not thinking about how or what I eat.

    I have lost about forty-five pounds in the last eighty-four days; at this rate, I will be down to my ideal weight in just under a year. It has taken a lot of hard work, willpower, and sacrifice to get this far, and I know it will take even more to get to where I want to be. I cannot throw all of that away again. I’ve already done it twice; this time – the third time has to be the charm. If not, I am eventually going to eat myself into an early grave – in a coffin that will break the backs of six pallbearers.

    The third time is the charm; with dedication and perseverance – and the love of a wonderful woman – I will get to where I want to be, and I will stay there.