Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • Day 830

    My weight this morning was back up to exactly 280 lbs., and I am not at all sorry for it. Yesterday’s dinner was absolutely delicious. Leslie prepared an amazing piece of lamb with garlic and wine which was to die for. She says that she had never prepared lamb before… Somewhat sus!! In any event, we enjoyed it tremendously, and then shared a bottle of wine with our cigar on the balcony. I have been drinking somewhat more alcohol these past couple of weeks than I normally do but I think I can be forgiven… given all that has happened. I might even write about it one day; it would make an interesting read.

    Other than the wine, I do not think I ate badly yesterday. Yes, we enjoyed a piece of chocolate-covered matzah, and yes, the matzah brei for breakfast is a bit indulgent… but it could have been worse. I know that my five-day streak of losing weight is broken, but I will get back on track today. I will eat smart and in moderation.

    Tomorrow is not only the last day of Passover, but it is also our wedding anniversary! It is actually our second first anniversary, and if that sounds convoluted then let me assure you that it is, but we have planned for it. You see, we got married in a courthouse on June 24, 2022, so our first wedding anniversary for the civil ceremony was last June. We got married in a religious service on April 30, 2023, and so tomorrow is our first wedding anniversary for that one. We decided last year that we were going to celebrate our civil anniversary just one time… and from then on we would commemorate only April 30 as our actual wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we are going to have an indulgent meal, which will also have the benefit of it being our first post-Passover meal so we can have leavened foods. While I always enjoy my Passover foods (maybe more so this year, with the goodies that Leslie bought, and with my finally figuring out how to make a good charoset and matzah brei), I would be lying if I said that I would not mind biting into a nice dinner roll. Tomorrow evening I shall!

    I know… I just wrote a couple of paragraphs ago that I need to stay mindful of what I eat. I will be… but our wedding anniversary is special, especially knowing all that we have survive this past year.

    As for today? I roasted a chicken this morning that will serve to provide meat for our chicken salad, and also we will have a dinner of roasted chicken with sauteed mushrooms. I will probably take the night off from drinking – we shared a bottle of wine Friday, Saturday, and Sunday… in addition to the wine for the Passover seder Thursday evening. Add to that, there was a shot of whisky when I found out that Princess Sophie had gone out for a stroll without telling anyone, and that adds up to a lot of alcohol over a four night period… especially for someone who hardly drinks at all.

    I will be spending the afternoon at the cigar lounge. I am meeting with a friend that I’ve known on Facebook for a couple of years, and every once in a while, we connect in Dallas for a cigar. That will be today! I am teaching from 5-8pm, and then Leslie and I will have our dinner and then a cigar on the balcony. It is so good to be able to spend time with her… especially after all of the hardships that our marriage has faced these past few months. I am comfortable saying that I think we are past all of that, and we are back to being a happily married couple… who have to live in different countries until the paperwork is completed (and boy is there a lot of paperwork!).

    Yesterday the weather was not great, but today we are looking at hot and sunny… at least, it is what we Canadians call hot. Today’s high of 83º (and tomorrow and Wednesday logging 87º each day) means that we will be sleeping with the air conditioner going, in addition to the fans. This weather does not bother me one bit, but I know that when I get to the lounge there will be people complaining about the heat. You can’t please everyone, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 829

    What a relief! This morning I stepped onto the bathroom scale to see that my weight has dropped below 280 lbs. for the fist time in nearly three weeks. This is my fourth day in a row that my weight is down, and I am happy to be back below that horrible number. I hope to be able to stay there forever… and to keep going.

    Yesterday I ate exactly as planned. I had the matzah brei for breakfast, chicken salad (with another small piece of chicken) for lunch, and for dinner Leslie and I bought a couple of pieces of prepared salmon from Whole Foods with a mango glaze, and a side of garlic hummus. It was delicious. We shared a bottle of wine with our cigars, and all was good in the world.

    I slept. Wow, did I sleep yesterday! Firstly, Leslie and I decided to take a nap in the afternoon. What we thought might be thirty minutes of shut-eye turned into a 3.5 hour deep-sleep nap for both of us. We then got up and enjoyed our evening. When it was time for bed though… wow, did we hit it hard! According to my fitness watch my sleep score was an amazing 88, with 9h35 minutes registered. I cannot remember the last time I slept so well! I really needed it… the stress of the last week really took its toll on me, and despite thinking that I was fine, I knew from my yawning that I really was behind on my shut-eye. I woke up this morning refreshed in a way that I have not felt in quite some time.

    We revisited the matzah brei this morning, and then I went to pick up our lattés from Human Bean. We enjoyed them on the balcony with a brunch cigar – a tradition that Leslie and I have going back a couple of years on weekends when we are together and when her son is with his father. We finished that around 1:15pm, but owing to the late breakfast, neither of us was hungry yet. We went to the Japanese store to pick up a couple of things that we needed, and when we got home around 2:30pm we were both ready for lunch, which was the same as yesterday.

    For dinner this evening Leslie is preparing lamb for us with sauteed mushroom and onion which I am looking forward to. We have another bottle of wine to share with our cigar, and if all goes well that will be the extent of our eating… and tomorrow morning wouldn’t it be nice to see another drop in my weight? We’ll see… I know, hope is not a strategy… but if what I have been doing these last four days has worked, then doing the same today might result in a similar result.

    I might have to delay restarting my intense program by a week. I have an engagement for a day in Ottawa, and I will take that opportunity to visit Montreal as well. I have not been there since September 2022, and that is too long for me to not see my friends… not to mention visiting my father’s grave site. I have tried to do the program while traveling and it is never easy, so I am considering starting after my return. With that said, I will be very mindful of what and how much I eat when I go.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 828

    I feel like I am starting to get back on track. I ate well yesterday, almost completely sticking to my plan. Breakfast was the usual, and for lunch we had the rest of my chicken salad, but because there really wasn’t enough we supplemented it with a piece of chicken as well. For dinner Leslie made a lovely steak with sautéed mushrooms. After dinner we shared a bottle of Niagara ice wine which was the recommended pairing with a new cigar we were trying. Both were fabulous on their own, but the pairing was pure magic.

    I stepped onto the scale mid-afternoon yesterday and did not like the number, but I never do when I weigh myself out of cadence. This morning I had lost 1.4 lbs. from yesterday, and my weight was the lowest is has been in nearly three weeks. I smiled.

    Before I came to Dallas Leslie asked if I would make her French toast. Of course, during Passover we cannot eat that, but there is a Passover version called Matzah Brei. I prepared that for our breakfast this morning, topping it with fresh strawberries and blueberries, and then drizzled Quebec maple syrup over it. After two bites Leslie told me that you could not tell that it was not bread, and she ate the whole plate. Those are two compliments that brought joy into my heart! I finished my portion as well, and we both agreed that it was delicious and filling. It is now 11:00am and neither of us will need to snack before lunch.

    As we always do on weekends, we are now enjoying a cigar and a latté, which we would usually do on our balcony, but decided to do at our cigar lounge. When we are done we have some shopping to do, and will then go home for another yummy lunch of my chicken salad… I made another bowl of it yesterday because we agreed that it tasted better the next day. I don’t know what we will do for dinner, but we will both be mindful of my diet.

    As I told Leslie, I am happy to be out of the hotel. It is so hard to eat well when you have to order food in.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 827

    Yesterday went exactly as planned with regards to eating. I had my omelette and some matzah with almond butter and jam for breakfast, and then for lunch I prepared a lovely salad for Leslie and myself: sliced cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Vidalia onion with a chicken breast chopped into it. I poured a little bit of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar into the bowl and then tossed it. Leslie crumbled some matzah on hers, but I decided not to. It was delicious. For dinner we had our Passover seder (three days late) which consisted of a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls, a hard-boiled egg, matzah with charoset, and a roasted chicken that I seasoned with zaatar. For dessert we had a couple of macaroons. All of this was (of course) kosher for Passover, and aside from the four glasses of wine (which are required for the service) I think I did well both with content and moderation.

    Around 4pm I got a call from an unknown number in Hamilton, Ontario. A young lady had found Her Royal Floofness and called the number on her necklace. It seems my buddy had let her and his (much larger) dog out into the backyard, and when she discovered a hole that a rabbit had dug under the fence, she decided to go exploring. I immediately called my buddy who went and got her (she had not gone far), and Princess Sophie was home safe and sound within a few minutes. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I decided to take a dram of scotch. I doubt anyone would fault me for that. Leslie saw me doing it and approved.

    Due to my recent travel issues and other stressors, my finances are not in a good place right now. I decided yesterday afternoon to email one of my vendors who had an outstanding balance, and he apologized for the tardiness… he had been on vacation with his family, so everything was a few days late. The money was in my account this morning, and I was able to pay down my credit cards so I have a little breathing room, as well as transferring money to my Canadian bank so that I will be able to pay my rent and child support on or before May 1. Phew! I may not be the best father to my children, but I have never missed a child support payment and I never will. My policy is that I will not buy food or drink or cigars before paying that particular obligation.

    On that same topic (my children) I just had a very upsetting phone call with my ex-wife. My son the younger is having a lot of issues, and we are working to get through them. I am hoping and praying that he will be okay, and I am going to do everything I can to help. I thank G-d that Theresa is such a good mother.

    Okay, it is time for me to get working. Have a great day!

  • Day 826

    This morning was the first day in a week that I woke up in our apartment and not in a hotel room. I was thrilled for the good night sleep that I got, and for being able to sleep in our own bed without having to lock the door for fear of being intruded upon. I was excited that we did not have to drive back to the apartment to take Duchess for her walk and to feed her and to give her attention. Last night was thrilled to be able to teach my class in peace from the comfort of my wife’s desk. The only negative emotion that I could not shake was the horror that I would be stepping onto the bathroom scale this morning.

    I did not eat well this past week, and I have not been dishonest about it. Most of my meals were decent enough, but I just snacked way too much… and in terrible quantities. I was horrified that I was going to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to see that I had gained ten pounds in a week. I also knew that if I did, then I would a) now weigh over 290 lbs. (and close enough to 295 to be worried); b) I would have gained a full 50 lbs. from my best weight ever; and c) I would be within a bad day or two of that dreaded 300 lbs. mark… the mark that I said that I would never even flirt with again. If there was one reason why I did not sleep better than I did last night, then it was that.

    At the end of my bathroom rituals I stepped onto the scale with trepidation. The app was open on my phone, and I was dreading where the numbers would stop. When they did, I was shocked. Since my last weigh-in on Wednesday, my weight was down 2.8 lbs. Yes, you read that correctly. With all of the chips, nuts, fruit, and other goodies that I had overindulged on, not to mention the bagels (before Passover) for breakfast and over the past three days a lot of matzah with peanut butter and jam, and with no exercise to speak of (save for walking Duchess)… my weight had dropped nearly three pounds in the week. I weighed less this morning than I have since I got here… and for three days before that

    I cannot see this as a sign that I can be complacent. Everything that I have said over the last few days will stand. When Ryan starts on his program in May I am going to do it with him… at least for a few weeks. I am going to try to be more mindful than I have been. I am going to do my best to not let stress and anxiety make me drop my guard and eat more than I should. I am going to continue to weigh myself daily and journal daily and make sure that when I do have a bad day that I make things right over the next few days.

    I may have gotten a reprieve this past week (which my wife says is probably due to the enormous amount of stress), but that does not mean that I am happy with where I am. Most of my pants do not fit, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I am a fat man. I do not mean this based on the psychological perception… I mean that I see that I am fat and too damned big. At my absolute lowest weight I was just under 240 lbs. and now I am 282, which means I am nearly 45 lbs. heavier than I was seven months ago. It is time to be done with that and to get back to where I was then. I will continue to journal, but not just about ‘this is what I did yesterday’ or ‘I don’t have anything to write.’ I will use this journal to do what it was meant to from the very beginning… to hold myself accountable.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 819

    I moved into a hotel last night for a few days because Leslie has allowed a houseguest to stay longer than she expected, and with that when Leslie’s son is home there is just not enough room for all of us. It was planned a few days ago and is temporary. The fact that everyone in the house is sick and that my being away might keep me healthy is a bonus. What is a downside is that I will not be cooking my own meals most days, and that I will need to rely on restaurants. Yesterday evening I did not do well; I am hoping to do better today.

  • Day 790

    I lost nearly a pound from yesterday, despite some stresses that I will not go into. Yes, I ate more than I should have. I even had a glass of wine with my friend in the evening. Still and all, yesterday was not nearly as bad as the previous day… except for one thing which I will not go into. I am doing my level best to put that stress and anxiety aside until the weekend. I will try to deal with it either Friday evening or Saturday, but I do not want to take it with me to Cuba.

    My weight drop this morning took me back below that abhorrent 280 lbs. mark that I peaked above yesterday. I cannot believe that after all of the work that I did over two years, one terrible, horrible, disastrous occurrence in my life has thus far caused me to gain back forty pounds. I have to get back on track. Ten days in Havana will be the beginning of that; the week that I am back I am going to try to get back onto my extreme program for at least a few days. We’ll see if I can do it. In the meantime, I have to just stop eating so much, and I have to stop making such bad choices. I hope that can stop right now.

    If you are wondering how screwed up I am… I accidentally (and irretrievably) wiped out two hard drives in one of my main systems, which means that when I am back from Cuba, I will have a lot of work to do to recover from. I am trying to start now… but wow, did this screw me up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 773

    There is a clear rule that I have learned and relearned, and yet I keep faltering on it. When I buy breakfast cereal, I gain weight. I have to remember that it is always bad for me, and that I should never buy it!

    My weight this morning is back to what I weighed the morning I left for Cuba. I have to stop faltering, and I have to learn or relearn that the discipline I once had and seem to have lost these last four months is important to not only my overall health, but also to how I feel about myself, how my clothes fit me, and how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.

    There will be no more breakfast cereal… and until I am back down another ten pounds, there will be no more bread… and as soon as what I have in the fridge is done, there will be no more yogurts. This week I will start back on the treadmill, although on the nicer days I might even venture outside for my exercise. I find it is easier to push myself to go farther and harder when I walk X kilometres out, and then I have to walk home. When I am on the treadmill I can just stop at any point, and I am immediately home. Yes, I will try to walk outside this week. I have the gear, so why not?

    I have to start reminding myself of something. Every morning, I have to remember to remind myself that What she did to me ended us… but I can and I must and I will go on without her.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 761

    After missing the mark (only by one measure) the previous day, I shot through my fitness watch’s steps goal yesterday, surpassing 20,000 steps for the second time in a week, and for the third time since I got to Cuba. With that said, the soles of my feet are feeling it a bit today. It is nothing like it was a week ago, but I am still going to take care to not overdo it too badly today. The goal on the watch is 17,420; I will not force myself, but expect if I do not surpass that, I will still come close.

    I have not been eating entirely smart, but I still expect that I will not have gained weight during this trip. I know the pair of shorts that I am wearing today felt much tighter last Sunday when I first put them on, but that could be all in my mind. In 48-hours I will know for sure when I step onto the scale Thursday morning.

    As I had planned, I did my cigar shopping yesterday. While the selection is abysmal, I still found a couple of very good boxes of cigars to take home with me. I am not disappointed! What did disappoint me was that the Partagas store (behind the Capitolo) was closed. I am told that it is going to be reopened and that they are simply rebuilding it. The store certainly did look like a construction site when I walked by, so that is certainly plausible. In the meantime, for my second trip in a row I ended up at the La Casa del Habanos in Plaza De Armas. L found two boxes with a lot of age on them which is rare and difficult. A good cigar gets better with age which is why I have a few boxes in my humidor at home that have been there for a couple of years. The two boxes that I am bringing back are from 2017 and 2018 respectively, meaning they are absolutely ready to smoke right now. I am excited to crack them open, although I will not be doing that to smoke them in the winter… they will either wait until spring, or else for a day when I am invited to a friend’s indoor lounge.

    What else did I do yesterday? I took my laundry in to be washed, lest I find myself out of socks and underwear. I took them in early in the day hoping they would be ready in the afternoon, but because of a misunderstanding (on my part) they needed to dry overnight. I am never inflexible in Cuba, but I did need to take one pair of socks which I took home straight away and hung from my fan so that I could wear them today. Owing to the damage I did to my feet on my first day, this is my first Cuba trip ever that I have run out of socks. My sandals have stayed in the room the entire time! In a bizarre twist, it is also my first Cuba trip that when I packed my suitcase, I only packed the socks that I thought I would need for working out, hence the need to do laundry. It is not the worst thing – I will have much fewer clothes to wash when I get back to Canada. I spent some time talking with the tourist friends I met who were going home yesterday, exchanging contact information so we can stay in touch. I had dinner with a friend who reminded me of the truth of what I call Cuban Standard Time, which is to say that she was ninety minutes late. No matter, that gave me ninety minutes to people-watch in Parque Central.

    We had old clothes for dinner! Okay, that needs some clarification: One of the most popular Cuban meals is called ropa viella, which is really shredded beef. It was delicious! We ate at a restaurant a minute or two from the Capitolo called Paladar Kilometro Zero – all of Cuba is measured in distance from the capital, and that is where it starts. The food was amazing and the musicians were fabulous, playing instrumental Cubanized versions of many American and European standards. I always appreciate a good saxophone, and this guy could play!

    After I dropped her off, I met a couple in the bar across the street from her who were speaking English. They are a married couple, he from New York and she is local. She is a tour guide, and we had a great conversation. As has happened several times this trip, I offered them a cigar and they insisted on buying me a drink. I eventually walked back to my buddy’s cafe and ended the evening there.

    My plans for today are very simple and uncluttered. I have two oligations: I have to collect my laundry, and I am having lunch with Johnny. After that…? I dunno. Until then? I dunno. I am going to walk back to my apartment to drop my computer off, and then I will likely walk around the old city for a few hours. Oh, and I am sure that throughout the day I will drop in on a couple of friends where they work to say hello.

    I am both pleased and shocked by how advanced my Spanish has been. Five years ago (or even two!) I was breaking my teeth to understand and to be understood… and I would avoid being alone for any length of time with people who did not understand English. This past week I have spent many hours with several individuals and groups who did not speak any English, or if they did, I did not trouble them with it. Yes, functioning entirely in Spanish is a bit tiring for me, but I did not realize until the past couple of days how it (my Spanish) has advanced. I am really happy about that, and will continue to work on it.

    As for food… I will continue to be mostly good, without restricting myself. I will continue to eat and drink moderately, and I will get a lot of steps in (without overdoing it). If my weight on Thursday is exactly what it was the morning I left Canada then I will be extremely happy, but I am prepared to be as much as 3-4 pounds heavier without getting too down about it. Whether or not that happens, I will be back on the treadmill by the weekend.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 759

    Yesterday was another good day… for a lot of reasons. It was also a bad cheat day with regard to my food intake. Lunch was good, and the pizza that I ordered for dinner would have been fine… if Johnny hadn’t ordered another pizza for us to share. I take solace in the fact that I clocked over 21,000 steps yesterday (plus another 3,000 between midnight and bedtime) so hopefully I was able to burn off the calories.

    It is raining today so I am sitting here at my friend’s restaurant trying to decide to go out to head to San Rafael to see another friend. He is waiting for me so I guess I have to go. The big decision is should I detour to my apartment to grab my baseball cap.

    Have a great day folks!