Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • And So It Goes

    What the heck? I was getting ready to finish up my class for the day. I was going to be able to call Leslie and speak with her for a few minutes, and then I was going to hit the road. What is that noise? I looked up, and out of my window I saw a deluge that made me look for Noah and his ark.

    I did speak with Leslie for a bit, and then I got ready to go out. As I walked to the front door, I thought to myself how nice it would be to have a really good meal right about now. I don’t mean something that I prepared at home… I was thinking about the kind of comfort food that I learned to luxuriate in as a child. What a great idea!

    The only problem was that I could not decide if I wanted Chinese food or a large plate of breaded, battered, and deep-fried Buffalo wings. Both are wonderful, both would really hit the spot. Both were within a five-kilometre radius. Decisions, decisions. Wait a minute… why not just do both?! I could combine the two!

    It is settled then… I called the Chinese restaurant on Upper Middle near Brant Street and I ordered a large bowl of hot and sour soup, two large egg rolls, and an order of wok-fried chicken dumplings. They would be ready in fifteen minutes for pick-up. I then rang Montana’s on Guelph Line south of Mainway and ordered the large plate of Buffalo wings with the medium sauce. They would take twenty minutes, but that was perfect because by the time I picked up my Chinese food and drove there, I would pull in just in time for my wings to come out. I would be gone and back in less than thirty minutes, and I would be able to sit at my table and pig out like I used to.

    .

    .

    .

    WAKE UP, MITCH! You were dreaming! Come on, shake the cobwebs and tell us about your walk!?

    Okay, okay. I put on my exercise kit, down to the shoes that I least worry about in the rain. I made sure I had my hat in my satchel, and I added a face cloth, because when it rains it helps to be able to clear off my glasses, as well as wipe the rain from my face.

    I was pushing pretty hard. I did not expect to break any records, which is good because I did not. What I did manage to do was my first split-pace kilometre under 10m00s since last Monday, making this only the second outing that I have been able to accomplish that feat… and while wearing the shoes I consider my slowest and bulkiest pair. I did take a five-minute break after three kilometres, but then I got right back to it, attacking the course with gusto.

    • Distance: 8.5 km (7.03 km)
    • Duration: 1:27:43 (1:12:07)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:19 (10:15)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m57s
    • Steps: 10.6k (9k)
    • Calories burned: 1,156 (725)
    • Elevation gain: 34.6m (29m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 122 (126)

    I should point out that a few days ago I changed my source for the Calories Burned stat. While the MapMyWalk app and the Garmin Connect app report most of the stats nearly identically, the Garmin is detecting calories burned based on my pulse and heart rate, and not just a chart in someone’s book. To show the discrepancy, the MapMyWalk app reported that I burned 494 calories today, while Garmin reported 1,156 calories burned. I tend to trust the one checking my pulse and heart rate, thank you.

    I did have one potentially hazardous encounter along the route. There was a group of teenagers from a Krav Maga school out for a run with what looked like body-shaped weights on their backs. One of the runners miscalculated his cool factor, and instead of missing me by a hair (ha ha! I buzzed the old guy!) he actually bumped into me… and went flying because I saw it happening, anticipated it, and at the moment of impact I threw a defensive arm out, throwing him off balance. He had the good sense to apologize sincerely, and that was the end of the encounter. I am glad I threw him onto the soft grass and not to the concrete, which would have necessarily resulted in my having to stop and explain myself to a supervising adult.

    Okay, it is time for me to hit the shower. I am zonked, I am hungry, and I am dreaming of all of the naughty food that I cannot have, and will have to settle for my evening meal replacement shake after my shower, followed by a cigar on the patio and a video date with my wife. Woohoo!

  • Day 196

    While the popcorn yesterday was not a great idea, I am happy that it did not seem to hinder my weight loss progress. I am down sixteen pounds from the day I flew from Dallas to Toronto, and ten pounds down since my birthday. On that measure, it is important to know that in the week following my birthday I actually gained five pounds, so the loss is even more meaningful.

    Her Royal Floofness is still not at 100%, but she seems to be getting better. Two other dog parents today said that if she is under the weather, she is hiding it very well. She is playful and active and happy… and has diarrhea. Even after we went out right before bed at 11:30pm, she asked to go out again two hours later, which interrupts my sleep but it also limits the amount of cleaning soft poop off the floor I have to. It also gives my girl the dignity of not having to have accidents in the house. If this persists for another day or two, we will go see the vet to make sure it is nothing serious.

    It is intriguing to me that I was able to walk nine kilometres yesterday without issue, but when I took her out (four times through the evening and night) my ankle was hurting. It is something I will have to pay attention to for the next little while. I do not want to stop walking, but at the same time I do not want to damage my ankle to the point where I have to stop walking.

    My class went well yesterday. I am really enjoying working with this group, and hope that the company is impressed enough to keep me on their roll of trainers to reuse. If I can continue to prove myself useful to these companies, I will be able to continue to earn a decent living doing something that I really enjoy.

    Have I mentioned how much I love my wife, and how badly I miss her? According to my countdown app, in twenty-one days, eleven and a half hours I will be disembarking the airplane in Dallas, and once I collect my luggage we will be together again. Really, the long-distance thing is not working for me. We have to find a way to be together permanently… and we will. In the meantime: in anticipation of my upcoming visit with her, I ordered a case of meal replacements to her place. Yes, I could shlep the shake packets from here to there when I visit, but that is counterproductive for a number of reasons. For one, I will eventually (as I did the last visit) forget to bring them, which will mean I have to break my routine. As well, buying them in Canada requires underground transactions on the grey market, whereas in the US I buy them off eBay… and I never have to worry about them being expired.

    Yes, it is true… despite the fact that I will be ‘on vacation’ while I am there, I plan to stay true to the program. Losing weight is hard, but establishing good habits is harder. What is easy is falling out of those good habits back into an old and unhealthy routine. Do you want to know how demoralizing it is knowing that because of just a couple of tiny mistakes that snowballed, I went from 260-pounds in September, 2020 to 395-pounds in January, 2022? How about knowing that I have fallen like that not once, but twice? Were it not for the love of a wonderful woman, I do not know if I ever would have been brave enough to try again.

    Yes, those are the numbers. That was my highest weight in January of this year… 196-days ago. Since then, I have not done everything I can and stayed true to the program, but I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. I am about seventy pounds down from my worst weight. At the same time, I am about sixty-five pounds up from my lowest (best) weight which was twenty-three months ago. I have a long way to go until I get there, but I am committed to getting back there… and then to losing even more. I want my wife to see what I look like slim, not from pictures of me in my early twenties, but in her arms. Two hundred and sixty pounds is not slim, it is slimmer… and I have to take one step at a time. It would be great to reach my goal of being actually slim by my fifty-first birthday, which gives me eleven months to lose another 115-pounds. I might need longer, but I have to keep trying to keep at it, lest I fall off again and end up where I was again. I cannot think about that… it is too depressing, and just the thought induces anxiety.

    Today will be a chicken day; I went shopping yesterday, so I have enough chicken and vegetables to last me a few days. Yesterday I decided to shake things up a little, using a fat-free salad dressing in place of the usual oil and balsamic vinegar that I usually dress my salads with. It was good, and I lost weight, so I might do that again today. We will see!

    Environment Canada has issued a special weather statement warning that the temperatures will be extremely high for the next couple of days, with daytime high temperatures reaching 33°C, and the humidex reaching 41°. For my American readers, that translates to 91°F with the humidex at 105°F. Yes, it is hot… but it is nowhere near as hot as Dallas, where 105° will be the straight-up high temperature, with humidity of 65% (as the humidex is a Canadian measurement, I could not easily find it for Dallas. Trust me, that is freaking hot!). Ankle permitting, I will go for my walk this afternoon… but I will be paying special attention to drinking every kilometre, and not just ‘when I think of it,’ which is usually the case.

    It is hot and sunny today, and Princess Sophie and I decided we will keep the patio door closed in favour of the air conditioner, which is set at a balmy 74°F. I am wearing a short sleeve shirt so it can get a bit chilly, but for the most part it is very comfortable.

    Speaking of short sleeve shirts, I have a non-scale victory to report! Last night while video-chatting with my wife, she asked me which shirt I was wearing. Of course, she had seen it a hundred times before, but she did not recognize it because it was so loose! Likewise, the pants that I am wearing, which three months ago did not fit at all, are also very loose, and for the first time I eyed the bin of clothes the next size down this morning. I am not quite ready for them… but I can start thinking about it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 194

    Down is better than up. When it comes to losing weight, most experts, pundits, and observers tell you that you should not weigh yourself every day. I have in this space gone into details on that before, but it is the general consensus. It is not so much that I buck the trend as much as it is that I am just that kind of guy, and I want to see every day whether I am losing weight or not. On the days that I am, I am happy. On the days that I am not, I review the previous day to see if there is a reason why – something I did that might explain not losing or even gaining weight – and try to adjust my behaviour for the next day. If there is no reason why, then I remind myself that weight loss is not linear, and what is important is the downward trend of weight loss over time, and not the individual points on the graph.

    This morning, my weight was down from yesterday… very slightly. Following a four-day streak that had me down 3.4 lbs, the loss of only 0.2 lbs could be seen as insignificant. That would be wrong, for two reasons that I called out in the previous paragraph:

    1. While it may not be the individual points on the graph that are important, several points on that graph make a trend. Five days of 0.2 lbs down is equal to a pound lost.
    2. When losing weight, down is always better than up. That loss of only 0.2 lbs may be seen as minor, but it is still down, and down is better than up.

    There are so many opportunities in life to gain weight. It is the psychological game, the constant reminders of things that you would like to eat but cannot. Avoiding temptations that are constantly in our face is so difficult and yet it is one of the cornerstones of weight loss. Yesterday afternoon I sat with a couple of friends on their porch, and they told me they bought me something. It turns out they bought me a package of Hebrew National sausages, which are of course kosher. I had originally planned that yesterday’s meal would be fish, but in the early afternoon decided that I was not in the mood for fish and would instead buy chicken. Either of these are options on my diet that I am familiar with, can control, and which are quite healthy. While the sausages might be lower in fat and whatever other macronutrients, I also know that there is no such thing in this world as a healthy hotdog. I accepted them gratefully and put them into my freezer for a day when I want and deserve a special treat.

    The sausages were not my only opportunity to cheat yesterday. In fact, they were not even close. Driving to and from their house in Hamilton, I passed myriad restaurants that called to me with Buffalo wings, shawarma, hamburgers, pizzas, and more. Forget that Bulk Barn is along the way, and I could have stopped in for a handful of peanuts (or so many indulgences that are far worse). When I got to the supermarket, I bought lettuce and onions and chicken… and having to pass through the prepared foods section and bakery to get to those is never fun. How easy it would be to cheat in the breads section alone? I wouldn’t need the fancy pies and other desserts to satisfy my cravings when fresh rolls were just as delicious… and just as evil.

    The other day I was thinking to myself how terrible traditional media is for a dieter, with every restaurant and unhealthy food staple being advertised with great imagery. Even the radio commercials paint a picture of the wonderful and terrible foods that I want but cannot eat. If you turn off the radio and television, you cannot drive down most streets without seeing a billboard or an ad on the side of a bus that shows temptations. If you can steel your mind to those, just walking into a supermarket to buy the healthiest of foods requires walking past the unhealthiest. It is no wonder that dieting is so difficult, with temptations at every turn. It is worse in the United States than in Canada, but it is no picnic here. If anyone asks why losing weight is so difficult, the reasons are everywhere… because marketing is everywhere, and nobody advertises salads.

    In the end, I did indulge yesterday. I feel bad about it, but I stopped at Bulk Barn and bought a very small handful of peanuts – they cost me $0.77, taxes included – to eat on my way to Lyle and Dorothy’s. To compensate for the added calories, I cut out one meal replacement. Previously when I was eating peanuts every day, it was in addition to what I was supposed to be eating. To quote a line from the movie For Love of the Game: “A lot of little bottles equals one big bottle.” Yes, I had about 250 calories worth of peanuts yesterday, but I had them instead of a meal replacement. Is it a habit I should be in? No. Is it a way to mitigate the affects of cheating once in a while? Yes. Even so, I will not make a habit of it.

    I still did not go for a walk yesterday. My intention was to try to go after I got home from my friends’ house. Owing to the sleepless night, I did not feel that I would have been safe walking. I could hardly walk a straight line down the hallways of my building. I hope to resume my walking today. While Princess Sophie did need to go out once in the night, it was only once… unlike the previous night which was completely lost due to her upset stomach. I will wear my bigger shoes, so as to not aggravate the already aggravated blisters on my heel, and I might limit my distance… but I will walk today.
    Before I do that, I have an entire day of teaching to get through… and of avoiding temptations.

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 193

    It was a very hard night last night. I suppose it started in the afternoon though.

    First things first, I had breakfast with my boys. I followed my original plan and ordered the Peggy’s Poached with a second egg. It was only when my son the younger could not finish his meal that I strayed from the plan. I had another piece of toast with his eggs. He tried to give me his sausage link as well, but fortunately my son the older intervened, reminding him that I do not eat pork. Indeed, I would not have eaten that. There is a difference between eating too much of something that I am allowed to eat (both for my diet and for my religion) and eating something that is completely against one or the other of them.

    When I left the restaurant, I had nearly 90-minutes before my scheduled haircut. I knew that if I went home, I would have to take Princess Sophie out… and then leave her again. Most of the time, she is saddest when I leave, but once I am gone, she spends her time relaxing. We have seen it in action… she lounges about quietly and comfortably, often for hours… but as soon as she sees my car pull in, it is showtime. She puts on an act as if she had been desperately crying the whole time I was gone. It was easier to just go straight to the barber and have a cigar outside while I waited patiently.

    As it happens, yesterday was the day that I should have come home. For the first time since she came to Canada, and only the third time ever, Princess Sophie had an accident in the house. With dogs it is always difficult to tell if they are having soft stool because they are sick, or because they ate something that disagreed with them. I took her out immediately, and then came home to clean up the mess. For those of you who are wondering, this is where the hard night would begin… even though I did not know it at the time.

    We went to bed at a reasonable hour, after a nice video date with the missus. She had been out a couple of times in the afternoon which is usually plenty for her… but she is a good girl who is very good about telling me when she really needs to go out, and so at 12:10am I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and took her out. There was more soft stool, but I would not really have qualified it as diarrhea.

    When we came in, we went right back to bed. Only Her Floofness did not stay in bed. She jumped down within the next hour and did a lot of walking about the apartment. Twice I got out of bed to check on her, and to try to bring her back into bed. Both times she stayed for a few minutes, and then jumped back down. While she does this from time to time, I only really settle in when I know that she just decided to sleep on the couch, or in her bed. When she is walking about, I listen intently for signs of distress, and I cannot turn that off.

    It was a little before 4:30am when she actually came into the bedroom to tell me she needed to go out again. If you want to know what an excellent communicator she is, she knows how to do this soundlessly. There is no barking about, but she makes herself clear… and I try to listen every time. As I was getting ready to take her out, I noticed she had another accident in the kitchen. I would clean that up when we got home again.

    After that trip outside, we slept for three whole hours – the first sleep I got – before she told me once again at 7:30am that she needed to go out again. I was just hoping that when we came back in, I would be able to get a little more sleep. Once again, there was diarrhea, but when she was done, she saw her friend Charlie and was playful and frolicking like normal. This is usually a sign that yes, she is under the weather, but she is not sick… she just ate something she shouldn’t have. Charlie’s mom and I thought it might have been some of his puppy food, but apparently, she did not eat any yesterday. That she was not caught eating it does not mean that she did not, so we won’t know.

    I did get nearly one more hour of sleep before she told me that she needed to go out once more. I suspect that this time, which produced only a miniscule amount of waste, would be the last time… unless she really is sick, at which point it will likely resume once she eats again. I am hoping that is not the case.

    I did not try to go back to sleep again. By now it was 9:15am, and I am resigned to the fact that I had to get up and do my thing. I will try to get to bed early this evening so that I am not a complete zombie during class tomorrow. With that said, I will be keeping a close eye on my girl, and if she shows any signs of distress, I will take care of her.

    The number on the scale this morning was extremely positive; it took five days to recover from that unfortunate spike, but my weight is back firmly into new-best territory, after a 1.6-pound drop from yesterday. I am not discounting the possibility that my interrupted sleep skewed the real numbers (that is a real thing), and I have to remember that the individual numbers are not as telling as the trend. With that said, down is down, and it always feels good. Knowing that I am now below the weight that I was the day my father passed away (which is essentially the day I stopped trying to lose weight on my last attempt) is nice. Knowing that I am still 20-pounds heavier than I was the day that I first heard the name of my wife gives me another goal to strive for.

    The blister on my foot is worse than it was yesterday. Last night I removed the bandage and did not replace it. Had I known that between the time I did that, and the time I would sit down writing this with my second cup of coffee, that I would have put my sandals on four times to walk 2500 steps (with the leather strap of my sandal rubbing against the healing blister) then I would have replaced it immediately. I did replace it this morning of course, and I hope that I will feel fit enough to go for a good long walk this evening – my first in three days – without any discomfort. I might beat myself up for not taking care of myself, but I also have to remember that when I removed the dressing last night, I thought I had eight hours to let it breathe and heal. No.

    It is looking like another beautiful day in Burlington, Ontario. The forecast reads sunny with a high of 33°C, which means it will be a perfect day to sit with a friend smoking a cigar. It has been more than two weeks since I have socialized with anyone. While I have enjoyed the solitude (and really needed it because of things that were going on), I am by nature a social being who enjoys seeing my friends. After lunch, Princess Sophie and I will head to Hamilton to spend the afternoon with Lyle and Dorothy. I am on the fence about taking her with me, but I would really like to keep an eye on her to make sure she really is feeling better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 192

    Bumps in the weight loss road are easier to accept when you did something to veer into the bump. ‘Hey, I had a cheat meal, and then I ended up losing three days of progress.’ Easy to understand. When there was no such cheat, it is harder to come to terms with.

    From Tuesday to Wednesday, I gained 2.6 pounds. I do not know what I did to deserve that, but that does not make it any less real. Since then, while sticking to the plan, I have lost .4, .8, and .6 pounds each day, and I am still nearly a full pound up from what I weighed on Tuesday. I would like to scream at the world that it is not fair, but nobody would listen. Also, it is my experience that when you scream at the world, people tend to look at you like you are a mad man.

    I am happy that I am back down below my milestone. I am just frustrated that were it not for that one giant adjustment, I would be nearly at 325 lbs, and I would not be lamenting to my wife that by our next visit, I might not be able to reach the goal I was hoping for. I am still going to try of course… but only part of the success is in trying, while most of it is in actually succeeding.

    I am meeting my boys for breakfast this morning, and I am excited to see them. Owing to a combination of travel and despair, I have not seen Gilad since the first week of the month; I have not seen Aaron since the second week of June. it will be great to see them both today. Aaron asked if we could go somewhere different for breakfast, and we agreed on Cora’s, a chain of breakfast restaurants that originated in Montreal, and is known for their fanciful breakfasts.

    I decided, rather than going there and having to figure out what I can safely eat, to go on-line and decide in advance. As I am waiting until we get there to eat (rather than having a breakfast meal-replacement shake first), I know that the menu will have all sorts of temptations that in a moment of weakness I might succumb to. It took a bit of investigating, but I have settled on a breakfast called Peggy’s Poached. Off the menu, it comes with one poached egg on toast, a small dish of cottage cheese, and half a plate of fruit, and is listed at 411 calories. I will ask for a second poached egg, bringing the total to about 485 calories. I briefly considered the Yogurt and Harvest Crunch, but I could not easily find the nutritional information online. I cannot remember the last time I had cottage cheese, and I do not remember if I like it or not. If I do, then I can add it to my occasional list of foods.

    I will be taking off some weight this afternoon, as I am getting my hair cut. I have not had it cut in nearly two months, and it is really looking shaggy… especially when combined with the beard that I am trying to grow, which nearly two weeks into growth is still looking scraggly. I suspect there will be one more week before it looks like an actual beard, and not shrapnel from explosive Brillow pads. By the time I get to Dallas to see Leslie in three weeks, it should be looking pretty good.

    As expected, I did not walk yesterday, opting to give my feet a day to heal after the disastrous walk that was Thursday. Following my haircut, I will lace up my runners and head out for a good walk. I am planning for an 8-10km walk, but I will be careful, centering the first few kilometres close to home, just in case the damage to my heels cannot take the distance. I will not be proud, and if needed I will abort the walk. I do not want to be out of commission any longer than needed… and letting my heels heal is critical to getting back on track.

    Before I close, I would like to call out a non-scale victory. This morning I grabbed a golf shirt that has not fit me in 18-months, and it fits!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 191

    I made a huge mistake while preparing for my walk yesterday. I compounded it by not listening to my body. Those mistakes will take time to recover from.

    A year and a half ago, I bought a pair of running shoes that I thought were really cool. I wore them once, and never again. I could go into the reasons behind that, but suffice it to say that they are a very different pair of shoes, and I do not remember them being uncomfortable so much as they were weird.

    I decided to try them again yesterday. I laced them up and headed out. I should mention that I was exhausted, and really wanted to go to sleep, not for a walk. If I am going to do this, if I am going to train my brain to exercise daily, then sometimes I will have to force myself to go out, even when I do not want to. Yesterday was one of those days, and I decided I would do a quick eight kilometres and be done with it. Leslie will attest that when I started, I told her that these nearly-new shoes looked and felt like they were going to be really fast.

    I started my walk, and was trying to figure out if the soles were just tight, or what else was going on. I do not think my feet actually started to hurt until after the first kilometre, but I do remember thinking that if I turned back to change shoes I would likely not go back out. I kept going.

    After two kilometres I sat down for a couple of minutes, mostly to loosen the laces on the shoes. I hoped that would make things better. At the end of the third kilometre I sat down and realized that my heels were blistered and probably worse, and that going further would likely cause an injury. I sat down for a respite before turning back. While I continued to measure progress on my app, I knew that my return journey would not be a fast one… Indeed, I needed to stop a couple of times again.

    This morning my heels are indeed blistered. I will go to Shopper’s Drug Mart on my lunch to pick up larger square bandages that I can hope to heel them with while still walking. Still and all, I might have to take today off my walking routine. If I can protect the heels then great, but if I cannot then I do not want to damage them further, exacerbating whatever time off I need to take.

    It is a beautiful day, and I am excited to have the weekend ahead of me. This evening my wife and I have a date to light the Sabbath candles and then have a drink and a cigar on the patio, and I am looking forward to that. I miss her more than I can say, and if I cannot hold her then at least I can see her and talk to her.

    It is late morning, and I am already looking forward to my lunch. I have prepared the salad, and there are two pieces of chicken that are seasoned and sitting in my air fryer, just waiting for me to turn it on at 12:05. I feel like a goldfish. When I am hungry, it feels like I will always be hungry. I forget that when I have a big lunch, I will be sated until the end of the day’s meal replacements. Instead, I am thinking that I should be planning what to prepare for dinner, because I know I will be hungry again. These are just some of the bad attitudes that I am talking about when I say I need to break my unhealthy relationship with food. Stop thinking to the next meal before you have eaten this meal!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 186

    I have been on my weight loss journey for 186 days; with that said, it is also possible to look at today as Day 7. The dramatic weight loss that is usually associated with the first few days of a program – often accounted for as the loss of water weight – is what encourages us to keep going, even on the days when we are hungry, tired, and discouraged… not to mention when our bodies are aching from the unaccustomed physical activity.

    I am in an emotional funk these days, and it is not the first time. What is utterly unique about this go around with the blues is that I have not turned to food to try to feel better. Food has been an addiction for as long as I can remember. As a child when I was under the weather my mother my grandmother my nanny would give me a treat to make me feel better. I am not blaming anyone else for my gluttonous addiction, I am just examining the genesis.

    I should mention that while I am not turning to food for comfort, it is not for lack of want. There have been myriad points over the past week when I have thought to myself how nice it would be to indulge in… fill in the blank. I will not list off all of the comfort foods that I have thought of; we can refer to them as ‘the usual suspects’ which have likely all been listed off or alluded to at some point in the past six months. I want to indulge. I cannot indulge. I want to cheat on my diet. I want to throw my hands up and say FUCK IT, I’M EATING! I have wanted to do that every single day.

    I have written so many times of the need to break my unhealthy relationship with food. Until recently, I thought that was going to come organically as a by-product of my self-denial. It is not so easy as that though, is it? No, as Leslie has pointed out to me several times, if I have been using food as a crutch all these years, the only way that I can be successful in the long term is to find a new crutch to replace it with. I am hoping that I can make that crutch exercise… whether that be walking, jogging, Taekwondo, or whatever else it might be. Golf is not a reasonable alternative, owing to the fact that I currently live in a climate where golf courses are buried hip-deep in snow (or at least just closed for business) from November through April. One could make an argument that fitness walking on a cold, blistery winter day is equally unrealistic… but that is not quite true. It is extremely unpleasant, to be sure; with that said, I can bundle myself up in layers of warm clothes and go for a walk every day of the year. Yes, I will have to wear different footwear, but it is possible.

    Will exercise be my crutch? I am working my hardest to make it so. I am also using something else as a crutch for the time being: my eagerness to lose weight. What is more satisfying… the plate of Buffalo wings in the evening, or the weight loss registered on the scale in the morning?

    The gastronomical indulgence will feel good in the moment, although it will often take only a few minutes for me to feel the short-term negative effects – the ‘I ate too much’ feeling, coupled with the ‘they were empty calories’ feelings. How long will it take for heartburn to set in, requiring me to go searching for an antacid? When I overeat at night, I wake up hungry the following morning. Let’s not forget that feeling of dread when I step onto the bathroom scale the following morning… not to mention when I try to wear a shirt or pair of pants that was borderline too-tight.

    The self-restraint might mean that I need to eat nothing in the moment… or a plate of vegetables, or something else equally unsatisfying. If I am not too far from the allotted time, I might be able to enjoy a meal replacement shake. I might go to bed with slight hunger pangs, but the truth is that on my current program, I am eating between 1200-1600 calories per day, which is more than enough for a healthy fifty-year-old male, so the hunger is in my mind more than in my stomach. I seem to be sleeping slightly better (although I miss having Leslie next to me, which always makes sleeping easier) and am having fewer crazy dreams. I wake up in the morning, step onto the bathroom scale, and (more often than not) see a decent weight loss from the previous day. I look in my armoire or closet for a shirt that I know will fit – if it fit last week when I was a couple of pounds heavier, it will definitely fit today. I go about my morning routine, and after walking my pup, I put on a pot of coffee, and make my morning meal replacement. With my coffee and shake close at hand, I sit down to write my daily article on my weight management. During the week, I sit down to my first lecture. Whatever it is, I do it knowing that I might not look any different than I did yesterday… but I look much better than I did just a few short months ago, and if I continue on this path, I will look even better a few short months from now.

    Short-term pleasure versus long-term satisfaction. Which is more valuable to me? I am hoping that in my moments of potential weakness I can remember how important that is. This does not mean that I will not have the occasional cheat-meal… but I have to limit those to very occasionally and only for very special occasions.

    I woke up this morning weighing not only 1.2 lbs less than I did yesterday morning, but also 14.2 lbs less than I did on July 1. That period includes my fiftieth birthday celebrations, one of the most anxiety-filled six-day road trips of my life, and a week of self-loathing and sadness. There is really no reason for me to not be up five-pounds in that time. Instead, my weight is down, and not slightly. By any standard, losing nearly fifteen pounds in just over three weeks is a tremendous success. I have to continue to remember how wonderful that feels, knowing that instead of giving in to my temptations and losing ground on my diet, my actions and choices have led to a huge success.

    According to a quick on-line search, it can take between 18-254 days for a person to form a new habit, and that on average it takes 66 days for a new behaviour to become a habit. I am on Day 7 of that journey. I have a long way to go, but if I am able to then it will be worth it.

    Against tradition, my diet buddy and I are having our weekly check-in today. It is the first time in a month that we are meeting, having had so much travel and such. I hope she is doing well, and I am looking forward to sharing my positive report with her!

    After that, I will head to the supermarket. I have no chicken left in the house, and unless one decides to walk in, strip itself of its feathers, and then commit suicide, I had better go shopping if I want to eat. According to the weather app on my phone, there are only two two-hour windows of cloudy but dry this afternoon, and so I am aiming to go for my walk around 3pm, which means that I will be preparing my main meal prior to exercising. I am interested in seeing how that will affect my progress… and if it will lead to cramps.

    Oh, and I did order a new sling for walking, making sure that this one is adjustable to wear comfortably on either side of my body. Hopefully that will alleviate the discomfort that I am sure is attributed to the sling sitting on the same spot near my kidneys every day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 185

    How appropriate is it that the morning after getting a kick in the teeth message, I wake up to find I have gained weight? Okay, I know… I have lost 11.5-pounds in twelve days, and it is not only unreasonable, but also unrealistic to believe that my weight will be down every single day. The weight gain was only .4 lbs, but the psychological effect of being back above (well… at) the decade I cleared yesterday is real.

    With regard to the message, it was about Taekwondo. The Master told me he is going on vacation for a couple of weeks, so I will not be able to go back to the school until the second week of August. Yes, there was a lot more to it than that, otherwise it would not have been so painful. I am just not going into details here.

    Leslie gave me good advice. She advised that I could get down about that, or I could continue to focus on what has been working very well for me – the walking routine. She also suggested that I start working on my Taekwondo patterns on my own, which is a very good suggestion, and something that someone at my level should have no issues with. Yes, I will have to find some videos to remind myself of them; fortunately, my muscle memory will kick in. It would not take me too long to remember all of the patterns that I need…

    So yes, that last paragraph sent me down a rabbit hole on web surfing, culminating in my renewing my web account for the Kukkiwon, the World Taekwondo Headquarters. It is not always easy to find (or confirm what the testing requirements are for a mid-level Black Belt, and I wanted to see if I could get a list of every poomsae (pattern) that I have had to learn so far. The list as stated is not actually available online, owing to the different testing requirements of different organizations. So I went back into my own files and found this list of poomsae that I have learned for testing over the years:

    · Taegeuk 1-8

    · Dae Mang 1-8

    · Koryo

    · Chulgi 1 & 2

    · Balsek

    · Keum Ga

    · Pal Ban Moo

    · San Gook Kwan

    · Ship Su

    Most, but not all of these are official Kukkiwon poomsae, but I know I will never be called upon to perform Dae Mang or Pal Ban Moo again… unless I decide to rejoin OMAC (Oriental Martial Arts College) again, which I do not expect will happen.

    When I was living in California, I studied at a school called JK Lim, where I learned Taebaek, which is the pattern that I will be required to perform to test for my next belt. Additionally, I will have to be able to perform Taegeuk 1-8, Koryo, and Geumgang. All in all, I will need to re-learn eleven poomsae, all of which I used to know like the back of my hand. Those are the patterns requirements for testing for my 4th Dan. Additionally, I will have to write an essay on Taekwondo, which is not something new to me. On, and I will also have to break four slabs of concrete with my bare hands. Anyone who doubts the level of intimidation contained in the previous statement might have never tried to break a 1.5” slab of concrete with their bare hands before… let alone four of them.

    First things first! I am not ready to test; following a promotion, a Black Belt must wait a certain time to test again. I am not sure whether the wait to test from Third Dan to Fourth Dan is a three-year or a four-year wait, but the date on my current promotion certificate is September 7, 2019… which means that if the wait is three years, I would be eligible in about six weeks. There is a huge difference between eligible and ready, and I am not going to play fast and loose with the second one. I will test when I am ready to wow myself… not simply when I think I can adequately meet the minimum requirements for testing. That includes getting into shape. Yes, I am currently sixty pounds lighter than I was in January; that does not mean that I am in shape.

    Getting into shape starts with losing weight, and I am really working on that. Once again, I followed the program perfectly yesterday. I was tempted to have a bag of popcorn, but I abstained. I later realized that I do not have popcorn in the house, so that would have been a non-issue. I then thought about having a Japanese biscuit… a little something sweet to welcome in the Sabbath. I did not do that either. While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I stuck to the program again. That is my plan for today as well.

    By the time I click ‘Save’ on this entry, it will be nearly noon. Princess Sophie is on a play-date, and I am going to go for my walk. I do not know how long it will be, but if my legs don’t ache too bad in the first ten minutes, I would like to aim for 7-8km. I am going to wear the socks I have been used to wearing instead of those extra-thick socks I wore yesterday. I want to wear the Adidas shoes that are currently my favourites, and they simply did not fit over the thicker socks.

    For when I am back (and showered), I am marinating a piece of salmon for my main meal. I do not know where I got the calorie count for the fish I ate the other day (which I wrote in my journal as nearly 600 calories, but when I look now seems to be closer to 1000 calories!) but it looks like I was wrong, so I will have to be more cognizant of the size of the pieces I buy going forward. The piece I bought for today is 400g, which depending on the site you look at is between 600 and 850 calories. Yes, I am going to enjoy it today, but yes, I am going to start buying smaller portions of fish.

    My emotions are still doing terrible, but I am forcing myself to stay on track with my diet and exercise. If I can get through it all, I might come out the other side… and when things are better in my life, the work that I am putting in now might by then be habits that I will be able to continue. I am crossing my fingers (not really a Jewish thing…) that will be the case.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 184

    I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I was going to open today’s article with the words ‘Anyone who has ever set out to lose a lot of weight will tell you…’ As I look in the rearview mirror of my life, I remember too many times that I have gotten in trouble for speaking out of turn, for saying ‘All people this’ or ‘All kids that’ or whatever it is. I am trying (against the very nature of every fibre of my being) to be more humble.

    I can tell you that every time that I have set out to lose a lot of weight that milestones are huge. They are the goals we set for ourselves to continue to strive for. Long term goals are great: Hey, I plan to lose 150-pounds. It is the short-term goals – those milestones that are more easily reachable in the incremented short term – that encourage us to keep going.

    I have always looked at the following milestones as the bellwethers of my success. The first is the Decades. When I drop below a multiple of 10, it is an achievement for me. ‘Hey, I dropped from 350.2 lbs to 349.9 lbs!’ That might not seem significant, as it is only a drop of less than half a pound. However, it is the cumulative result of losing the ten pounds it took to get from 360-pounds to below 350-pounds.

    Of course, I also look at how my clothes fit as a bellwether of progress, but it is being able to fit into a shirt or a pair of pants or whatever that previously had not fit that I see as the significant milestones. As an example: a couple of days ago, I wore a tank top on my fitness walk that I had not been able to fit into for two years. Yes, it was tight, and yes, it did not completely cover my belly… but I was able to wear it comfortably. That is a milestone. Over the next few weeks, that shirt will start to grow; first it will cover my belly, then it will stop being so tight. That is definitely a non-scale victory… but it is not a milestone.

    I have several tubs of clothing, along with quite a bit hanging in my closet, that do not currently fit. Most of them are sorted into various sizes, and every so often I pull something out that had not previously fit to see if it does yet. While I have myriad polo shirts and things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again, the next huge clothes goal is to be able to wear the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made for me in 2017, when I was at my lowest weight. I was able to wear them for a few months in 2020 again – I wore them to the High Holidays services – but it has been nearly two years since. I am looking forward to wearing them again.

    It will come as no shock that I wrote about milestones this morning because I achieved one. I dropped into a new decade – one that I have not been in since falling from it in April, 2021 – the week my father passed away. It has been fifteen months since my weight registered below 330-pounds, and this morning it did. Of course, owing to the instability of my floors, I am still unsure if that measurement is accurate or not. All I know is that I have been following the plan, and am not suspicious of losing six pounds in five days… at least, not since my dramatic change to my single-meal plan.

    Yesterday was my third straight day of following the new meal plan perfectly. I had three meal replacement shakes (at or about 9am, 6pm, and 10pm), and one very healthy meal when I got back from my walk, probably around 2pm. When I say healthy meal, I mean in both respects: It was protein (chicken) and salad… but I am also aware that I am still eating larger portions than I probably should. Just as I adjusted my regimen this week (shifting from two meals and two shakes to one meal and three shakes), I know that my next step – when I plateau and am not losing weight anymore – will be to reduce the size of that meal. That will be an important step for my long-term success, because I will need to start simply eating less, especially if I want my stomach to shrink and eventually require (and desire) less food.

    So why, you might ask, don’t I just do it now? My simple answer is that you take one step at a time. While there is a school of thought that diving in is better (as most weight loss clinics start you on four meal replacements per day, often dropping you from 2500-3500 calories per day to 900 calories per day from Tuesday to Wednesday), I have done this three times… each time I was extremely successful in the short term, and a complete failure in the long term. So yes, I am doing my progression gradually, and will make the necessary changes as I see fit.

    While I woke up today feeling the aches in my feet, I am still planning on going for a fitness walk. I have a meeting at 11:00am, and after that I am going to look at a map of my neighbourhood and see what paths there are that might be more interesting than the roads I have been walking. It might also help if I plan out a shorter walk, rather than just setting out and realizing when I am two kilometres from home that my tanks are nearly empty.

    For those who are worried, no I will not overdo it, and no, I will not ‘kill myself.’ If I only exercise on the days when nothing hurts, then I will never exercise. If, on the other hand, I accept that aches and pains are part of my struggle, then I will be able to overcome them.

    In the Army we were taught that the difference between a pain and an injury was huge – it was the difference between going on and overcoming obstacles, and getting a bet or a gimel – essentially a day (or two or three) of bed rest, either in the infirmary or at home. Of course, in unit training it also meant dropping out of the unit. In my case, if I was injured, I would stop… but I am not, I am just feeling achy. That is what you get when you are morbidly obese, and are working toward slim and sleek.

    One thing I know, before I set out on my fitness walk, I will be choosing the right shoes. I have several pair of running shoes, and some of them (like the ones I selected yesterday) have hundreds of miles on them, and are no longer suitable for long walks. I am not taking any chances today, I am going to the top-tier shoes… my newest pair of Adidas (gifted to me by the lovely and generous Leslie).

    —

    Several times over the past couple months, Leslie has pointed out that she can see and feel a noticeable difference in the size of my belly and my dreaded man-boobs. I have felt it too… and while it does not yet feel great, it certainly feels like I have made great progress.

    On my computer desktop I have two pictures of me called MDG-Before-1 and -2 which were taken Thursday, January 20th… otherwise known as Day 1. While I still look in the mirror and see a fat man, there is no denying the tremendous progress that I have made in these six months. I am not half the man I was… but I am certainly much smaller than I was. Losing sixty pounds is no joke!

    I write this because this morning I noticed something… when I lift my belly, when I lift my man-boobs, they feel huge… yet significantly smaller than they were. I remember what it was like in December and January, and I know that I have come a long way since then. I want to keep going, but there is only one person who can make that happen. It is my intention to keep making it happen, day by day. As with overcoming any addiction, I have to do it one day at a time. I cannot simply say ‘I will never…’ I have to tell myself every morning: ‘Today I will stick to the program. I will not cheat. I will exercise. I will stick to it. I will go to bed with the knowledge that I got through today without falling off the wagon.’

    Like alcoholics and Valerie Bettinelli like to say, it’s one day at a time.

    Have a great day, folks!

  • Day 182

    In an hour I will be going to the doctor’s office to get weighed. I am optimistic that I will be down at least one kilogram since my last weigh-in. That day – my fiftieth birthday – feels like a lifetime ago. I know that for the few days after my birthday my weight went up gradually a few pounds – birthday celebrations will have their consequences – but as of yesterday morning, my weight was two pounds lower than it was on my birthday, and I was good yesterday, so just maybe I’ll hit that.

    —

    Okay, I am back… and I did not hit that target, but I also did not miss it by much. .8kg is about 1.75 lbs, and considering the fortnight it has been, I am going to take it and run.

    Emotionally I am still a wreck, but I am staying on course. Yesterday I had a cheese omelet in the morning (I had three eggs left, and it is a shame to waste them), chicken with salad for lunch, and a meal replacement shake when I came in from Taekwondo in the evening. I only did the one Taekwondo class last night, for several reasons… not the least of which is that the dojang (gym) is not air conditioned, and the heat was oppressive. Also, I know that if I am going to get back into it, which I want to do, I have to do it smartly. It would not do to hurt myself, forcing me to take a break from exercising today and possibly tomorrow through the weekend.

    I uninstalled Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter from my phone yesterday. I am truly in a rut and do not want to be social. Hopefully that will change, but for the next little while I will be ignoring all social media. Fortunately, I am starting a new teaching assignment that will last nearly an entire month starting Monday, so I will have what to keep my mind occupied with. I love teaching, and I hate that I have essentially been sitting on my butt for the last few months. Don’t get me wrong, I have been keeping myself busy… but I have not earned a pay cheque since May, and that is no way for a man to be. Yes, I have money in the bank and have been able to live off of that, but that is not how I want to live. I have always said that I want to be a productive member of society… and aside from that, even if I did not, my savings will eventually run dry. I do not want that to happen!

    When will I go back to Facebook and the other social media platforms? I don’t know. I am not planning to use them on my computer either, if that is what you were thinking. I am taking a break from them. Yesterday I posted that I am going dark for a little while. I did not wait to read responses to that, I just closed out. When I am feeling better, I will think about it… maybe.

    Today is Wednesday, July 20, and I have decided to set a new short-term goal. Because of my upcoming teaching schedule, my next doctor’s appointment and weigh-in is August 24, precisely five weeks from today. On that day, I will weigh (at least) seven kilos (about 15.5 pounds) less than I do today. How, you ask, do I plan to kick up my weight loss up so much? I started this week, and will continue to eat only one proper meal per day (instead of two), and I will replace that second meal with another meal replacement (or two). For the last six months it has been two meals (one of which was usually a salad with salmon or tuna) and two meal replacements. For the next five weeks I will eat one proper meal (which will remain largely unchanged from what my primary meal has been) and three meal replacement shakes. I also plan to exercise every evening after class – Tuesdays and Thursdays will be Taekwondo; the other nights will be a power walk. I am growing impatient with the sluggish pace of weight loss, which has been good but not great. Yes, I know it is a marathon and not a sprint… but some marathoners run faster than others. For me, it is time to hit that Turbo-Boost button and get going. If I can do that, then hopefully by November I can weigh in at under 300-pounds (136kg).

    Those are far from my ultimate goal. By my fifty-first birthday, I would like to weigh 100 lbs (45.5kg) less than I do today. Can I accomplish that? I do not know. I do know that if I set lofty goals for myself, then stick to the plan, then even if I miss them, I can be satisfied by the results. What is most important is that I do not do what I have now done twice… lost a lot of weight, and then fall of the program and gain it all back. Whether I lose 100 lbs or only 50 lbs, I have to stay vigilant to never regain that weight again.

    In the meantime: One of my favourite living authors releases a new book in his series every July. Traditionally, I buy the book on my Kobo (e-reader), and when I am done with it then my father’s widow will read it. Of course, last year was the first year that it was not my father grabbing it as soon as I was done with it, before handing it off to Esti. She will get it when I am done with it… and that usually takes a couple of days. I started it on the balcony last night, and it will keep me occupied possibly through the weekend.

    With my weigh-in behind me, I am going to finish my first cup of coffee and my meal replacement shake, and then I am going to go for a walk. I am not expecting to smash any records like I did Monday, but I would like to get at least seven kilometres in, and if I can do that in 1h15 minutes then I will be extremely happy. I know it is going to be an extremely hot day – There is a heat warning for the next few days, with the high temperatures in the mid-80s every day (29°-32° Celsius), so I will bring a lot of water. It is almost amusing that what we consider scorching hot here is almost balmy in Dallas, where the next week high temperatures are over 100° Fahrenheit every day. Well, I am here, and here’s weather is what I have to deal with.

    Have a great day folks!