Losing a part of me

Category: Friends

  • Day 713

    I did not lose any weight this morning. I also did not gain any, which is a good thing. I know that I went overboard on food yesterday. Today I did not, and I am hopeful that my weight will be down at least slightly tomorrow morning.

    This is another ‘near the end of the day’ post – in fact, it is already 10:15 as I sat down to write, and my students are working on their labs for an hour. I’ll be lecturing again soon. With that said, I think the eating portion of my day is behind me. I would probably snack if there was something in the house, but there is not. At least, there is nothing that I can think of. It is better that way… snacking is bad for my program, right?

    Today was a reasonably good day. Not only did I mostly stick to my eating regimen, but I also took my new (to me) treadmill out for its inaugural spin. I Walked at a very quick pace and did a strong five miles. I was very pleased with myself. I would have gone longer, but my wife called me with some very exciting news. No, I am not going to share. Live with it

    The treadmill came into the house Sunday afternoon and was assembled thanks to my buddy (we worked on it together and it was NOT as easy as we hoped). It was heavier than I expected… but then, I wanted a heavy-duty treadmill that would not feel like a toy… and that would support my weight. Even at my current weight that is an issue with a lot of models – I saw a few with limits of 250 lbs., and while I will be under that again soon… I expect that if my weight is at or near their recommended limit then I will not enjoy the experience.

    Princess Sophie went to the neighbour’s for a playdate this morning. That gave me the opportunity to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. I went through seven arrangements before settling on the one I liked best… or at least the one I dislike the least. If the bedroom was one foot bigger each way I would have had a lot more options… but alas, we play the cards we are dealt, right? I did want to make sure that however I laid things out that I would be able to watch my television from the treadmill, and that worked very well. I watched the first half of a movie that I quite enjoyed.

    My buddy Eduardo came over for a cigar in the afternoon. It was good to see him, and chat about this and that. He is a great guy to chat with… although I know that he is going to discuss both Israeli and South American politics with me every time. It doesn’t bother me… Just predictable.

    Okay, it’s time for me to go back to work. See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 709

    I must have really overdone it yesterday because the bathroom scale was extremely unkind to me. That just means I have to do better today… and I did, considering it is now approaching 6:00pm, and my day is pretty much done… at least, the part that involves food is.

    I met an old friend (and one of my few loyal readers) for coffee this morning. It was nice to catch up. From there I went to take my son for his pre-birthday lunch – yes, he wanted to go to Lone Star, and yes, I ate… I ordered a hamburger, and it could have been much worse. For dinner I had my regular chicken with a couple of air-fried spring rolls. Hopefully the bathroom scale will be nicer to me tomorrow than it was today… although it is not the scale’s fault, is it?

    I am drinking more than I usually do. At first it was because of my broken finger. Now I think it’s because it helps me forget whatever else is going on in my messed-up life.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 702

    And now, a topic I have not touched on in a while. I had the most productive bowel movement in a long time this morning. While I felt good for it, I also know that it is because I have been overeating – and the wrong foods – these last few weeks. I have to get back on track with my diet. Yes, that will mean smaller and less frequent BMs, but I’ll deal.

    Today has already started out bad with regard to eating. I have to get a grip on myself. I think that I am going to have to put myself back onto the crash-program for a couple of weeks to get myself back on track. Some people might say ‘Hey, today’s the 23rd of December… I’ll wait until January 2. I might not go full-crash yet, but I am also not going to let myself go for another nine days. I am going out for dinner with a friend this evening, and then for lunch tomorrow. After that I will take a couple of days to reset my eating. On the 26th I’ll be with my friends and godchildren which I assume means a delicious turkey dinner but will go back to eating properly the following day. The turkey dinner will also come with all manner of yummy side dishes and desserts; fortunately, most will either have dairy or lard which I cannot touch for religious reasons. On New Year’s Eve I’m visiting with Lyle and his brood and will eat then, but that will also be an exception.

    I have gained twenty-five pounds since my world fell apart, and I need to get back on track. If I need to go back to the extreme diet program for a few days to get back on track, then that is what I am going to do. I just wish these holidays were not interfering with that. I do not wish to be a hermit… but that is how I lost weight the first couple of times.

  • Day 698

    I picked my diet buddy up at the airport yesterday morning at 6:00am. The problem was that I had only fallen asleep about two hours before I had to wake up to do that. Result? I was exhausted all day. The fact that I did not fall asleep at any point was a miracle! It was great that my buddy Rob came over in the evening for a cigar, and he was certainly a good person to chat with… but had he not come over, I likely would have been in bed and asleep by 8:00pm. As it was, I was asleep at 11:00pm… more or less.

    I checked to make sure my alarm was properly set last night… I swear. In fact, I am even reasonably sure that it went off when it was meant to. That does not mean that it did its job. When I finally opened my eyes – with no recollection of the alarm having gone off or of my having disabled it or hit the snooze button – the clock read 8:05am… I jumped to it, took an Army shower, and then took Her Floofness out for an abridged walk. Fortunately, it was -4° outside and she was not interested in dawdling. I was able to start class on time, and the only thing missing was breakfast. I gave my students labs to do an hour into class, and I made myself an egg sandwich… which I ate in front of my computer (although off-camera).

    I did not weigh myself yesterday morning. Had I done so I would have hated the number. I did weigh myself this morning, and while I was still over 260 lbs. today, I suspect that yesterday would have been much worse. Tomorrow I will be back below that.

    I want to thank the people who check in on me when I miss a day blogging… I had actually written yesterday’s very brief entry but forgot to press Publish. I took care of that after receiving an email from a friend/reader, and yes… I backdated it to yesterday, so my streak continues.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 686

    I finished my lunch yesterday and then sat down at my computer to log in to my class a little early. As I sat down at my computer, I started feeling a bit of discomfort in my stomach. I went to the washroom and had my most successful bowel movement in weeks. I was shocked that there was so much inside me waiting to come out. I was thinking that I would not be at all surprised if the next morning my weight might drop by a couple of pounds! I actually felt like I shed five pounds, although I know that it does not quite work like that. Still and all, I was happy be finally clear my insides of so much waste. I had been concerned that the discomfort happened shortly after eating my lunch, and worried for a minute that I might not have cooked my chicken thoroughly, thus causing possible food poisoning issues. No, everything was healthy. I was able to return to my computer in plenty of time to teach, but without the discomfort.

    It may not have been quite so dramatic, but the bathroom scale did reward me with a drop of nearly 2 lbs. from yesterday morning. That is nothing to sneeze at. I am still not below 250, but I am much closer than I was a day ago. I will keep that in mind when I meet my buddy for breakfast in a little while. The last time I went out for breakfast with my friend who came from out of town I ordered French toast with maple syrup. I will not do that today. I will order something more in line with what I would normally eat, which is to say something that is not detrimental to my weight loss goals. I may not be completely on track these days, but with what I am going through I am proud of myself for not having gained a lot more weight. It would have been so easy to just fall off the wagon completely. That has not happened.

    Tonight is the first light of Chanukah. I will light the chanukiah as I always do… and hopefully this weekend I will be able to do so with my kids.

    I suppose it is time to head out. My friend and I are meeting earlier than I would normally want to be up, but that’s what we do for friends.

  • Day 682

    As I expected, my weight was down slightly again this morning. Yesterday’s increase was just a blip. I am now precisely ten pounds up from my best weight ever and will work toward getting back there.

    I am going out east to have lunch with a friend today. It is a long drive, but I’m looking forward to the distraction. A lot of my friends would want to talk about what is bothering me these days. At least I can be sure that this lunch will be a mindless distraction. That is what I need.

    I suppose my plan for today is to just try to stay the course. I will get into my car and turn on my audio book, and just listen to the story. Who knows? I might even bring a cigar along for the drive. It’s definitely a long enough drive (each way) so I might just do that.

    I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

  • Day 678

    The simple rule of thumb is that the day after I order a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with a side of fries I will not lose weight. The fact that I did not gain weight is a triumph.

    I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but that did not last. My eyes popped open a little before midnight, and I could not get back to sleep. Too many stresses going through my head. I finally got back to sleep around 1:30am but slept fitfully. I was waking up early to drive my buddy to the airport. It was great to have him here for a couple of days… I have not been having an easy time of things, and having a friend really helped. Now I will be getting back to my regular routine. If the weather warms up a little, I might even try to get out for a walk tomorrow.

    I have an appointment tomorrow morning for my ultrasound. I am hoping they tell me that the scan is clear, but as I mentioned last week, I strongly suspect they will tell me I have a hernia. Sigh. There is no use worrying about it; they will do the scan and then my doctor will tell me if I need surgery or not.

    I have not been eating too well these past couple of days, but I will get back on track today. I had my normal omelette for breakfast and will have chicken for lunch. I will most likely have fish for dinner, although that is not set in stone. I have to do some shopping today because the cupboards are nearly bare.

    Speaking of which, I suppose I should head out. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 677

    Last night was a difficult, but I got through it. Afterward my friend and I went out for dinner, ending up at the pub down the street. I am not entirely sure why a pub needs to have a gluten-free night, but the truth is that I did not notice the absence of gluten in my fish and chips. Yes, I indulged. Normally I would not have – certainly not after 8:30pm – but I needed to eat, and my diet was not the primary concern. The fact that I did not have anything alcoholic is a huge victory.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, but I am still slightly above the 250-pound mark. As I said, my weight goals are not my main focus right now, but it is good that I am still paying attention to it and not going absolutely over the cliff. After my call last night, I told my buddy that I could really go for a plate of deep-fried breaded wings with the sauce dripping, and he told me that it would be understandable. I told him that if I did that then it was a sign that I was giving up on my weight loss… that I was giving up on me. I am not there, but it was still tempting. We tried to go for Lebanese food, but the restaurant was closing; the pub was our fallback choice, and despite it being deep-fried, it was better than the wings. We went for breakfast this morning, and I had a plate of French Toast with berries. I know it was a cheat meal, but again… there were much worse choices that I could have made.

    I am trying to stay focused and to stay on track. It is not easy, but I will continue to pray and to meditate, and to focus on what I need to do so that I can eventually get back to where I need to be. Hopefully what I am doing will be enough.

  • Day 675

    My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.

    My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.

    I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…

    I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 673

    Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

    There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

    I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

    Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

    I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

    I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

    My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

    With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

    Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!