Losing a part of me

Category: Friends

  • Day 668

    I fell off badly yesterday. I went grocery shopping (I had no food in the house) and thought ‘what’s the harm in buying a box of breakfast cereal? Oh, I also bought a bag of mini crisps. Here’s the harm: I ate all of the crisps and most of the breakfast cereal last night and finished it off this morning. The result (nothing to do with the bowl of cereal that polished off the box this morning) was a two-pound jump in my weight. I deserve it. Today I will do better. I will also remember that when I am no accountable to anyone but myself it is best to not buy large portions of cheat foods… coupled with my current emotional state I will just not have the willpower to make the right decisions. This means that I have to make those right decisions when I am in the store. If I do not have the temptations in the house, then I will not succumb to them.

    The plan for today is to take Her Floofness to the spa. She will be there for a few hours, and so I will probably check to see if the cigar lounge near Chez PetSmart has a smoking area. If it does not, then I will probably just find a park bench and wait there with a cigar and my phone or a book. We’ll see. All I know is that I have to try to be good today. No excessive food. No cheating.

    I woke up this morning to find a message from a friend who reads my blog daily. She was worried that I had not published yesterday, and what’s worse, the last entry was from Day 666. Yes, even in my current emotional state I noticed the 666, and yes, I know that it is the number of the beast (although I swear I never understood what that was about), but no… there was no connection. As a fairly religious Jew I would never use a reference from the New Testament with regard to my dismay. In fact, I had written yesterday’s article, but I somehow got distracted and never published it. I fixed that this morning. With that said, I truly appreciate the love and support from my friends… many of whom I do not see or speak to nearly as often as I would like.

    Anyhow, it is time to get moving. Take care folks.

  • Day 665

    My weight continues to creep up despite my not eating more than I was just a few days ago when I was losing weight. I take some comfort in the fact that according to the same bathroom scale that keeps giving me this bad news my muscle mass and lean body mass are also increasing, which means that the weight gain is not an unhealthy one; I just wish that I could point to more than walking my doggie twice per day as reasons for the increased muscle mass. Yes, my legs are looking and feeling stronger than they were just a few weeks ago, but I am not actually exercising. Hopefully next week I will be able to resume some sort of exercise routine so that I can get back on track. While it was up again, my weight was still below 249 lbs., which is a relief. There was one day last week when my weight was within half a pound of hitting the 250 lbs. mark, which for me is a psychological disaster. I vowed a couple of months ago that I would never weigh more than that ever again, and so far I have avoided it… no matter how bad things are, and no matter how close I came.

    Tomorrow is my last crazy long day, and I am looking forward to getting back onto a normal schedule. I have not had a good night sleep in two weeks (although that is not because of my teaching), and I am looking forward to being able to recover at least somewhat. This morning I slept through my alarm (or turned it off and went right back to sleep) and was a lot more rushed than I like to be in getting ready and out the door. Her Floofness seemed to recognize the hurry and she was happy to pick up the pace of our walk; we took the same route as always, but we cut our time from 25-30 minutes for the circuit down to 19 minutes. With that I was actually able to prepare and eat my breakfast at a mostly normal pace, rather than either making a meal replacement shake, or just wolfing down my omelette. It was a relief, and I was at my desk and logged into my class at exactly the same time as I was the last several days… but with an extra 45 minutes of badly needed sleep.

    My rabbi and I spoke last night and while he is supportive of me, he did not pull any punches. He showed me how one thing I did would have been a terrible blow, and although he supports that I did it he still forced me to see how I am not completely innocent. Introspection is good, even when you do not like what you see. It did not help me sleep, but he is a good man and a good friend.

    I wrote this early in the day and see it is 9:00pm and I have not published it. Oops! Time to move.

  • Day 662

    I made it through the weekend relatively unscathed. I am not going to say that I did not cheat a little – I absolutely did, but not terribly. I had some mini crisps (essentially flavoured rice crackers in chip form), and I had some peanuts. If that was the worst cheating that I did during one of the worst weekends of my life, then I am absolutely not going to complain. Not being able to see a light at the end of a very long tunnel does not mean that there isn’t one. Things will get better… one day.

    I was completely shocked by my weight gain this morning. I cannot think of anything that I did that would account for a two-pound increase. I know, it is just a blip… but it sucks. Either the scale was telling me that it had made a mistake the last few days, and was just correcting for that, or it wanted to tell me to keep myself in check today, and it would correct things tomorrow (or at least over the next few days).

    We begin my second week of fourteen-hour-days. I had a good chat with a very close friend this morning and it gave me a little bit of a boost. Hopefully that will carry through for a few days. Next week I am off work, and I will take that opportunity to prepare for an exam that I need to take sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I did my shopping for the week yesterday and I was pretty good on buying only what I should be buying. I will keep my head up and keep trying to look forward to a better day.

    In a couple of weeks, I am expecting my newly tailored clothes to come in, and I am looking forward to that. I wish… ah, what does it matter. They will be great.

    Thanks for reading.

  • Day 660

    My weight is slowly dropping back to where it was before I flew to Texas (nearly a three weeks ago). It is astounding to me that in the last week since my world imploded I have not gone completely to pot. It would not have surprised me had my weight jumped fifteen pounds this past week after what happened last Saturday. While the bathroom scale still has me up 2.2 lbs. since then (my last pre-collapse weigh-in, also my last weigh-in before a completely depressed travel day), it could have been much worse. From that weigh-in I would gain 6.4 lbs. over a four-day period, but have been able to drop 4.2 lbs. these last three days.

    I am slowly coming to terms with the reality of my world which has been completely destroyed. I do not know how things are going to play out, but I do not expect that I will be able to go back to the way things were. It is strange… a week ago I woke up happy and optimistic. I have not gone to bed nor woken up like that since. I have not had a good night sleep in that time. I do not expect I will have one for quite some time.

    When I finish writing this entry I will leave the house for social reasons for the first time since I set foot inside late last Sunday night. I have gone shopping, I have walked my dog. Today I am going to see friends who might, I hope, be able to offer me some sort of comfort. Nobody knows what is going on with me yet. I suspect that had I told any of my friends, they would have been banging on my door immediately and all week. With my ridiculous work schedule this past week (and the next one as well) that just would not do, as I need to maintain both my work schedule and my composure during the day. I cannot let my students know that I do not care about living, let alone computers. I have put on a very brave face and I know that they are learning and enjoying the classes – the results of the mid-course exams yesterday bear that out. The fact that I am dead inside is masked from the world.

    I got the most touching communication yesterday. I truly have no idea who reads this blog; in truth, there are times when I think that nobody reads it. When a reader reached out and told me that she reads my blog every day and that she hopes I am okay, it was more than heartwarming. It is entirely possible she is the reason I did not dive into a bottle of scotch last night… and chase it down with a large platter of deep-fried chicken wings with extra sauce. I am not sure that I would have physically harmed myself, although that thought has certainly crossed my mind. Diving off the addiction wagon would not have killed me, but it would certainly have started a long and slow road back to where I was two years ago.

    Maybe Paul Simon was right. A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries. Maybe the best course of action to never feel this again would be to completely cut myself off from the world. Friends and lovers have hurt me more than any enemy combattant ever could. Maybe that is the answer.

    For most of the last 660 days I have ended my journal entry with a positive wish to my readers to have a great day. I am sorry that right now I do not have it in me to feel anything positive.

  • Day 616

    I continue to make progress. This morning I am 1.4 lbs. heavier than I was the morning that I left for California which means that I am within easy reach of surpassing that and stepping back into the waters of Best Weight Ever Lake. Within a few days or so I should be there again!

    I was mostly good yesterday but this morning after my dentist appointment I stopped at Bulk Barn and picked up some almonds. I have to stop doing that. While I do have a lot of work to do today, I am also planning to go out for a long jog/walk. I think I will do that when I finish writing today’s journal entry.

    This evening I have a meeting with my weight loss buddy. We did not check in last week because I was on vacation but hopefully we will be back on schedule now. I look forward to hearing how well she is doing. I was so excited last Wednesday to tell her that I had dropped below 245 lbs., and frankly after this past week I am not terribly upset to be back above that milestone; I am comforted by the fact that I am less than a whole pound above it after the week I had. Okay, I am 1.4 lbs. above my best weight ever, and on my way back down after a week of indulgences. How am I getting back on track? Eating properly (today’s almonds notwithstanding) and a whole lot of walking and jogging. That is what I need to do in order to continue to lose weight.

    It’s a lovely day out there and I am going to make the most of it. I do have a few errands I need to run but nothing too stressful. I will go out for two hours, and then when I come back I will make my phone calls and do my studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 591

    And then there were four.

    With my drop this morning there were only four days in May when I weighed less than I did this morning. With every .2 drop that number will decrease by one. I am less than one pound heavier than I was at my best weight ever on May 27.

    Yesterday I wrote about two challenges that I was to face regarding my adherence to my program. I managed to turn one challenge into an opportunity. I wrote that: ‘. In the car I am simply driving, in a conveyance, with no stake in my success or failure.’ Okay. When I went to go to the store, I got to my car… and decided that instead of driving to Fortinos I would walk to Freshco. While my plans for the day would not allow for me to go for my exercise walk, walking to the supermarket would give me a couple thousand extra steps, and it would remind me that I was working hard to lose the weight. I won’t deny that Freshco does not have the same temptations (prepared foods and bulk nuts) as Fortinos, but they still have breads and so many other tasty opportunities to cheat. We had none of that yesterday morning thank you!

    The second challenge was my trip to Lyle’s. I had my meal replacement right before I left, but I was still hungry. The chewing gum I keep in the car helped me both on my way there and on the return trip. I was proud to tell Leslie when I arrived home that I passed by Bulk Barn and did not slow down.

    As I lay in bed chatting with her last night, I told her I had a fear that despite being good that I would see an increase in my weight this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I am not sure why, but I felt I had done something wrong… or maybe I did nothing wrong, but there are still going to be days when there is no forward progress. Last night’s fear was unfounded, but there will be days like that. I have to remember to take it in stride and not get upset when it does happen. In the meantime: on August 21 my weight was up 2.4 lbs. from two days earlier. Since then, it has dropped every single morning. Some days that drop was only .2 lb., but it dropped, nonetheless. Thirteen days in a row. That is a pretty good streak! I do not know if it will continue through this week, but it would be nice to be able to cross off that major milestone, not to mention the next two-pound increment, over the next few days.

    While sitting with Lyle, I did ask him once to stop talking about food. He understood that it was hard for me to hear it and still stay true to my program. I appreciate my friends being understanding.

    The Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), often referred to as the Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR), is how many calories one would burn in a day with no outside factors. In other words, what we need to consume to stay as we are. I do not know the science behind it and how it might be affected by different macronutrients such as starches, nor am I going to spend any time researching it. I was introduced to the concept when I first went to a weight management and diabetes clinic over a decade ago. For the test they insisted I not ingest any caffeine for a period of time before the test. My smart scale just pops a number into my chart, so I assume it is not quite so accurate. I do know that 591 days ago my chart shows my BMR at 2,884. Six days ago (Day 586) it dropped below 2,000. It had been under 2,000 for a few days in May, but jumped back above on May 29, I am hoping that this time it will remain under 2,000… now and forever.

    While I thought it would be a daytime encounter, it turns out that my friends and I are meeting for cigars at 6:00pm, which means that after yesterday’s respite I will be able to go for a walk today. If I prepare my first meal replacement at 1:00pm then I will head out at 1:30pm; I will be home by 3:00pm and will shower and rest for a bit before taking my second meal replacement around 5:15pm. I will be home by 9:00pm and will finish off my day with my last one. That, dear reader, is the plan. Now let’s see if I can stay true to it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 590

    I do not know why but yesterday evening was extremely difficult for me. I was feeling weak and like I wanted to give up. I knew that I had the provisions to make any number of cheat meals after my class… pasta, tuna or salmon salad… well, maybe not a huge number, but at least a couple. I was lonely – Leslie was with her son and Princess Sophie was next door with her friend – and I sat at the kitchen table staring at my tablet. I did not even go onto the balcony to have a cigar. I just sat at the table and did something I have not done in a long time: I kept taking a piece of gum, chewing it until the newness of the flavour started to fade, and then spit it out and took a new piece. I’m sure by the time I was done I could have made a squash ball from what I had spit out.

    I might have gone through half a cup of bubble gum… but somehow, I managed to not cheat. I went to bed almost shocked that I made it through the evening without breaking my program.

    I know the days of losing multiple pounds in a day are behind me (unless I cheated for a few days, gained a lot, and then went back onto the program). Still, I confess I was hoping for a massive drop when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning. It would have felt wonderful to be able to walk over to the fridge and cross another number off. Of course this was unrealistic… I crossed off 252 only yesterday morning so expecting to drop below 250 today was just unrealistic. I did drop .4 lb., and I am satisfied with that.

    I did not get as much studying done as I had hoped, although I did finish the last of the course videos I needed to watch. I went out for a jog/walk (third day in a row) and while I really did not feel like going on, I did manage to jog the first kilometre and then walked another eleven. I needed to take a break after 7.2km so I sat down to rest at the corner of Appleby Line and Dundas… but after five minutes I forced myself to continue. I suspected my pace slackened a little, but it turns out that my overall pace was better than the previous day… even though Thursday I jogged 1.5km and yesterday only 1km.

    My class wrapped up about where I hoped it would, and we now have a break for the next week. I challenged them to see how many could pass the exam for the first section before we come back, and I suspect there will be at least a couple of takers. I look forward to hearing of their successes. I remember the day I passed my first certification exam. It was March 31, 2003. What I thought at the time to be the greatest credential – Microsoft Certified Professional – was earned by passing Exam 70-210 (Windows 2000 Professional). I went out and got business cards printed with my fancy new logo, and I walked into my office and quit my job. It changed my life. Hopefully it will have a positive (if less harsh and bumpy) effect on some of my students as well.

    I am not sure if I wrote that I successfully moved my bowels yesterday, but I did… and when I cleaned myself up, I noticed there was bright red blood on the paper. I will keep an eye on that, but the fact that it was bright red worries me much less than if it had been darker. Most likely the sharpness of the stool cut the outsides a little. If it were internal bleeding it would have been darker. Nonetheless I will make sure to add a little more fibre to my diet the next few days.

    I have to shop today. I am not happy about that and am going to do my best to get into and out of the supermarket as quickly as possible. I have enough eggs for tomorrow’s omelette, but that is it. I am also completely out of shredded cheese and am almost out of hot sauce. If one wonders if I am a creature of habit, then one need only look at my breakfast while I am on this program. It changes occasionally only in what vegetables I add to the omelette… and which hot sauce I use. Hey, it works, right? As long as I am not cheating the rest of the day then I know that this breakfast is harmless to my weight loss. Would I be losing weight quicker if I were on the strict program? It is possible… but it would be an insignificant improvement when put in the balance against the fact that I suspect it has kept me from cheating more often than I do. I started this paragraph anticipating my trip to the supermarket; I will buy eggs, shredded cheese, Cholula, Tabasco, and milk… and nothing more. I have to summon the internal fortitude to stay away from the peanuts… and every other temptation I might come across in those aisles.

    Today is the first day of our September heat wave; that is to say that the weather, which has been reminiscent of mid-autumn this past week, should turn much hotter going forward. While today’s forecast high temperature is only 25°, tomorrow that jumps to 31°, then 33° for the following few days. There is no precipitation in there anywhere. Today’s gorgeous weather will be enjoyed on the patio at Lyle and Dorothy’s house, as Dorothy is away for the day with her father (leaving Lyle with no car). No matter, I enjoy going there; my only concern is that I seem to be drawn to Bulk Barn with I go there. I am going to have to pay special care to not cheat today, what with that and my trip to the supermarket.

    Tomorrow the plan is to see Eduardo and Sam. I am still unsure if they are coming here or if I am going to see them, and if I am driving there, I will once again have to focus on not cheating. It is really much easier when I am not getting into my car. I was thinking yesterday during my walk as I passed a fast food restaurant and, realizing how intoxicating the smells emanating from the place were, I was still not tempted to stop. I was exercising, and that garbage (and I know that it is garbage, no matter how good it might smell) would destroy the progress I had made on my walk… to say nothing of the last five hundred and ninety days of doing so well. It is different when I am driving, and I am not sure that I can adequately explain it even to myself. When I am walking, I am actively participating in my diet and working toward my success. In the car I am simply driving, in a conveyance, with no stake in my success or failure. There is nothing to remind me of the hardships I have endured to get as far as I have, nor how uncomfortable I was when I was fatter. I have to remember when I drive to stay more mindful than I normally might be for fear of how easy it would be to cheat… just a little. It has been over a year since I last took myself for fast food… peanuts are a different story though, aren’t they?

    Okay, it is time for me to get at it. I am going to head to the supermarket and come back quickly so that I do not have to remember to do so after Lyle’s… especially knowing that is when I am so often weak and would end up stopping in the peanuts aisle. I will come home and prepare my kit, and before I head out to Hamilton, I will prepare my meal replacement shake… complete with a heaping spoon of fibre.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 586

    Yesterday was the first day in I don’t know how many that I got through the day without my wife being here that I did not cheat at all. It is not easy to get through these days, but I am finding inspiration in my wife. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much; if she is willing to put up with me then I owe it to her to look and to feel as good as I can, and to stay as healthy as I can so as to not make her a widow – or worse, a nursemaid to an infirm husband. I am back on track, and I will keep at it so that I can be the best me that I can be. When I pick her up at the airport in California in just over three weeks, she will see the slimmest Mitch that she has ever seen… I make that promise not to her but to myself.

    By staying true to the program I was rewarded on the bathroom scale this morning, this time by a drop of .6 lbs. Doing as I have done these last few days, there are now twelve days that I registered at or lower than my current weight. There was one day in mid-April, and then from May 20 (when my weight was the same as it is this morning) through May 31st. If I drop another .4 lb tomorrow morning, then that number will drop to nine. With a lot of mindfulness and discipline then within the week that scale should be behind me, and looking forward I will only see uncharted weight territory. How exciting… as long as I can stay true to the program.

    I have two obstacles today that I have to overcome with regard to my goal of staying on track. The first is a couple of errands I have to run in the afternoon. Before I go to see my barber, I have to stop off at an office to sign a few papers, but that is of no concern. I seem to have a pattern of going to Bulk Barn to buy peanuts after getting my hair cut. I have to be mindful that I come straight home after that. The second obstacle is that I am meeting someone to buy more meal replacements; he is someone I was advising on the program but who decided it is not for him, and we are meeting for a cup of coffee. There is no harm in the coffee; what else might be tempting at the café is quite another story. I will gird myself to stay disciplined and will not succumb to any temptations. It is so easy to say or write that at 9:45am, an hour after I finished my breakfast omelette, and in the comfort and safety of my apartment. It is quite another to say it in the face of the temptations. I can only do my very best to stay focused and remember why I am depriving myself of all of those foods that I love… so that I will eventually look and feel better than I have in decades.

    Okay, following the conclusion of that paragraph I should mention that I do now already look and feel much better than I have in decades… it is simply that I want to keep improving upon what I have achieved… looking and feeling even better than I do now. That will only come with discipline, and I know it.

    Last night following my class I had my first meeting in a month with my diet buddy. She has moved to Yukon for the year and so our meetings will all be virtual, but it was great to catch up with her. She told me about some of the challenges that she is facing in her new environment. We can talk about small towns in southern Ontario and joke about it, but they are nothing like the sheer isolation of the great white north. She is a schoolteacher, and the stories of her indigenous students tear at your heart. I remember the expression that ‘There but for the grace of G-d go I.’ Yes, I have experienced a hard and challenging life, but it pales in comparison to how some of those children are growing up. Nearly two months after the move she is still adjusting to her new reality, and I hope that when she does get acclimated she will resume with her weight loss success.

    In speaking with Leslie the other day I realized something horrible. She told me she was tempted by a particular food – I do not remember what – and I told her about a weight loss mantra that I have heard many times over the years: Nothing tastes as good as slim feels. When she told me that it was a mantra for anorexics I was horrified. I did not know that the people who said this suffer from a mental condition that is so unhealthy as to lead to hospitalization and even death. I will never forget that lesson and will tell it to the next person who says it to me.

    I am putting off buying a new hard drive. One of my external storage devices failed yesterday, and it will need to be replaced. Fortunately there was nothing critical on it, but I do need the device. I am thinking of purchasing a network attached storage (NAS) device to replace it, but I do not feel like spending the money just now. I have other priorities, and I will hold off a while. I think before I buy that, I should probably buy my server… which I have put off buying because I just do not feel like spending the money right now. There is no connection between that and the meal replacements I am buying today (which will set me back over $500 for what I am buying, and which cannot be put on a credit card); I need to eat, and while my storage will be a little tighter now than it was previously, I am sure I will be able to make do for a couple of months.

    Okay, I suppose it is time for me to get on with it. I am going to see if my wife is available, and if not then I will get a couple of hours of studying in before heading out for my first set of errands.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 576

    I cannot seem to get back on track. At least it is not as bad as it could be, but I am still unable to get through the afternoon without preparing a second omelette for myself. I will try to do better today, but it is Saturday… weekends tend to be challenging because I do not have a lot going on. I am going to try even harder. In fact, I do have something going on today… my buddy invited me over for a cigar in the afternoon. It is a lovely day outside and I am looking forward to seeing him and his wife. I saw him earlier in the week, but I have not seen her since June.

    My wife surprised me last night. She is coming to see me this coming week! It was a surprise, but a very welcome one. I had not been doing a lot of smiling the previous few days; since she told me I have hardly stopped smiling! We had a great chat last night, and while I was concerned that I might not be able to sleep from the excitement I was truly exhausted and got six hours of very deep sleep. Yes, only six hours… My eyes popped open early, and I was not getting back to sleep no matter how I tried.

    While I had a second omelette yesterday, my weight was still down slightly this morning. Hopefully I can continue to lose weight over the next few days. I had said just a few days ago how exciting it would be if I could be at my best weight ever when I next saw Leslie. There is no good way for me to lose nine pounds in five days but at least I have not completely fallen off the program. Indeed, if my weight stays exactly where it was this morning then I will be ten pounds lighter than the last time she saw me!

    I got up early this morning and so while I have spent a bit of time futzing about, I am nevertheless ready to go… and it is only 10:45am. I invited the neighbour doggo for a playdate with her Royal Floofness, and they are having a grand old time. I am not going to head out to my friends’ place until 1:00pm or so I think I will sit on the balcony with a breakfast cigar and the last of my coffee. It will be a relaxing morning. I have no plans to veer from the program today… but then, I never do. I just have to stay strong and get through it without anything extra.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 574

    It’s not fair. Yes, I cheated yesterday. I had a few peanuts, as well as replacing my afternoon meal replacement with another omelette. My body’s punishment to me was nearly a full pound weight gain. That is not only excessive, but it is also cruel and unusual. There is no reason I should have gained that much weight for an omelette.

    My buddy came over yesterday for a cigar and we had a nice time. It is always great to see good friends. I wish I was not so tired though… I had not been sleeping well the previous nights, and I felt I might fall asleep as we were smoking. Fortunately I got a decent night’s sleep last night and should be able to make it through today unscathed.

    My plans for today are simple. I have a lot of studying to do, and while the forecast calls for wind, there should be no precipitation until 9:00pm. As such, I will be doing my studying on the balcony with a cigar in my hand. Hopefully I will be able to spend some of that time chatting with my wife, but other than that I will be focusing on cloud security. Fun. I will stay on track, and I will not be preparing a second omelette today. I know now how dangerous that can be.

    Have a great day folks!