Losing a part of me

Category: Friends

  • Day 411

    I wrote yesterday morning that I was ‘…on the fence between going out for a jog for the next hour or getting back into bed for that hour.’ I decided to suit up and head out. I knew stepping out the door that I was not going to try for another 11km+ foray, but I figured that if I wanted to try to minimize the possibility of this morning’s weigh-in being up from yesterday’s, there was a better chance if I got at least some exercise in before the drive to Cambridge. I did set a couple of personal bests, but that was not the point of the outing.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3.04km (6.3 km)
    • Duration: 24:51 (51:52)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m10s (8.14s)
    • Steps: 3,800 (7,900)
    • Calories burned: 800
    • Elevation gain: 29m (84m)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (153)

    Walking

    • Distance: 4 km
    • Duration: 42:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m32s
    • Steps: 4,900
    • Calories burned: 526
    • Elevation gain: 12m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116

    It was nice to get out, especially knowing that it is the second day in a row that I was able to do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it again today. The weather will not be as nice as today, but we will see. When I took Her Floofness out, she did not want to go beyond the front lawn, where she did her business, and then politely but adamantly insisted we go back into the building. In a few weeks we will be beyond the cold and snow and salt on the pavement, and dogs will be happier because those signs of winter hurt their paws. As for myself, I would like to get out for another jog… even if it is a short one.

    I wrote yesterday as well that I was fully expecting that after the tremendous drop from the previous day that my weight would either stay the same, or more likely it would sneak up a couple of ounces. In fact, it dropped .4 lb. which might be my body trying to make things right for the frustrating plateau that was last week… or it could be reminding me that sticking to the program, as well as getting out and exercising, are the combination that will lead to my ultimate success.

    As planned, Princess Sophie and I spent the afternoon with our friends in Cambridge, which was really nice. I see one of them a lot more often, but a couple of them I had not seen since December. It was great to catch up with them… even though a lot of the time we just spend watching TV and talking about nothing in particular. Even though they (they are a couple) got engaged since the last time we caught up, beyond a quick ‘congratulations!’ to them, most of the talk was about pets and stuff.

    I am chomping at the bit to start packing my suitcase. We talk about ‘counting down the hours…’ well in sixty-six hours I will be getting into an Uber that will take me to the airport. I might get five hours of sleep, but likely will not because of the excitement and anticipation… and because I have to teach until 9:30 Wednesday evening. I am holding back because every Israeli is taught that you never pack a suitcase and leave it unattended. I do not care how secure my apartment might be… but I might just take my suit and a few shirts and put them into a garment bag

    I woke up this morning and lay in bed for a few minutes before getting up. It was only when I moved to kick out that I realized that my leg muscles – particularly my quadriceps – are really feeling the effects of my jogging. While some might call it pain, I realized as I lay there analyzing it that it is not actually that… it is just a bit of an ache that is reminding me that I need to stretch before heading out. I know, I should not be neglecting that. As a martial artist I know how important it is, and the fact that I neglect it so often is absolutely on me. I promise I will spend a few minutes stretching before heading out this afternoon. I promise myself!

    I have a few thoughts that I plan to share today in a separate article, so I will sign off now. The plan for today: 1) Stay on track with the program. 2) Try to get out for a jog. 3) Do some studying for my next exam. 4) Stay focused and stay mindful!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 404

    I was so distracted yesterday that I did not realize that I was on the cusp of my BMI dropping below 35. I noticed it but did not even discuss it with my diet buddy when she was here. This morning, when I registered .8 b. lower than I did yesterday, I saw my BMI was now 34.9. To many, that will just be another number. For me (and the medical community) it means that I have dropped out of the Obesity (Class II) category and into Obesity (Class I). For someone who was in the Extreme Obesity (Class III) category (sometimes referred to as Morbidly Obese) until November, this is a huge milestone for me! It dwarfs the fact that this morning I also crossed below my best weight from 2017, besting my 2020 effort by a full week. I immediately texted my diet buddy and will tell Leslie (who is a time zone behind us) as soon as she wakes up.

    My diet buddy spent a couple of hours here yesterday and we talked about a lot of things, including her failures last week, and my successes. We also discussed clothes, and what we will do when we are slim. It was nice to discuss a number of things that are so hard for people who have not been through this same program (or one similar to it) will relate to. I did my best to remind her that yes, she had a cheat week grazing while her kids were visiting, but it is time for her to get back on track. I told her that when she starts faltering, she should remember the cost of her surgery, and how she does not want that be a waste.

    After she left, I had my midday shake, which was later than usual… probably around 2:30pm. I then decided that I could either sit on my duff all afternoon, or I could go out for a jog. I know that this week will be a complete wash with regard to working out, and that the weather was a bit chilly and windy, but not terrible. I added an extra layer to my regular kit – a hooded sweatshirt between my long sleeve shirt and my jacket – and headed out. I was hoping to meet or even surpass my previous best of 4km jogging from Monday but did not expect that I would have it in me to go much farther. I was wrong. For the first time since when… I don’t even know when the last time I did it was! Anyhow, I jogged seven kilometres without stopping. I was not breaking any records – I averaged 8m41s per kilometre – but I did it. Seeing as I was doing it for my walking, I might as well record in this journal my stats for my jog, too!

    • pb Distance: 7.08 km
    • pb Duration: 1:01:29
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m41s
    • pb Steps: 9,200
    • pb Calories burned: 1,008
    • Elevation gain: 56m
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 151

    It was without a doubt a great outing, and one that I am sure will be a good benchmark for me. I now know that beating 5km is no sweat for me, and I should be aiming for 10 km sometime during my trip to Dallas. I am trying to plan out what that route would be. I think I know where I’ll start and see what the distance is. I have to believe that pushing myself those extra kilometres – really, just getting out there to begin with, when the alternative was lying down and taking a nap – contributed to my achieving the two milestones that I hit this morning. I will continue to push myself… but not this week, as my schedule is a bear. This weekend though… yeah, I’ll be hitting the road with gusto!

    With two goals achieved today, let’s revisit the next few that I have on my list:

    • Drop below 270 lbs. by March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas). If I lose an average of 0.4 lbs. per day, then I will best that by nearly two pounds!
    • Gain no more than 2 lbs. during my trip to Dallas. As I have commented on several times, Leslie is hugely supportive of my weight loss efforts. While we do have a few splurge meals planned, my goal (with her support) is to approach those with mindfulness, planning ahead as I did before. While I have no expectations of repeating it, I returned to Canada after my last trip a full five pounds down; as such, it is likely that if I am careful on my modified program, I can beat this without any trouble.
    • Drop below 260.4 lbs., my best weight from 2020. I am now 11.8 lbs. from that goal, which feels absolutely amazing!
    • Drop to (or below) 255 lbs., by best weight ever post-Army (from February 2005). It amazes me that when I achieve that I will have lost 140-pounds. Wow.
    • Drop below 250 lbs., that major milestone that I have no recollection of honestly weighing, the half-century.
    • Drop to 230 lbs., at which point I will be classified as overweight, but no longer Obese.

    Remembering that it is about the downward trend and not the individual plots on the graph, if I stick with the program and lose an average of .4 lb. per day, then I am less than 45 days from dropping below 255 lbs. Last week I wrote that short-term goals are those that can be achieved inside that time frame. Is my best post-Army weight EVER really now a short-term goal? It hardly seems possible.

    My class starts in a couple of hours, and I am dressed in my blue suit with a pink shirt and one of Leslie’s favourite ties of mine. She and I picked out my outfit together last night, and I really enjoyed it. I can absolutely get dressed on my own, and I think I have the fashion sense (and the wardrobe) to do so quite stylishly. There is a simple joy to having my wife pick out my clothes for me sometimes… or at least have final approval of my choices. When we are living together, I hope that will happen a lot more often. It is not that I am not able to do it on my own… I simply enjoy that I can get her input. I know that she really enjoys men’s fashion; helping to dress her husband… it is nice to know that we both get enjoyment from it! I only wish I had a similar sense for women’s fashion. I know what looks good on her, but it is harder for me to counsel her on what to wear. I do like that when she wears one of her dresses, I can at least coordinate my shirt and tie to match her. With that in mind, when I am at the tailor later this week, I will be looking for shirts in a couple of colours that I had never previously considered. She has already given me one idea for colours to look for, but with the thought of being able to coordinate to all of her dresses, I will be asking her to give me other ideas as well.

    It is strange to think that this morning I am classified as Obese Class I. It is stranger to think – and even more so to say – that my next goal is to be overweight. At that same trend of .4 lb. per day, I would achieve that goal the first week of June. I have to know that while my exercise might be ramping up, as I lose body mass it is likely that my rate of weigh loss will slow somewhat, making that unlikely. Even changing that average rate to .3 from .4 pushes that out to mid-July. No matter, if I can weigh 235 lbs. on my birthday (which would be about that .3 lb. lost per day average) then it will be a huge success… and would continue the trend, with a one-hundred-pound loss from my last birthday! (The trend being that I lost 100-pounds from the beginning of my journey through the first year)

    My plan for today is to get through it on the program. Knowing how long the workday will be, I expect that in addition to the pot of coffee I will drink between now and 1pm, I will also need either a cup of tea or an energy drink to make it through the evening class. In addition to the Royal Milk Tea which I love, Leslie introduced me to an energy drink that we picked up at Costco. So far, I have not needed any, but suspect that between my afternoon and evening sessions it would not be a bad idea to prepare and drink one. They have 45 calories, 10g of sugar, and claim to have the equivalent caffeine to 1-2 cups of coffee. These are probably not a bad idea for my 13-hour teaching days… as long as I only drink one per day. Not only would that make for a lot of sugar, but I also suspect that much caffeine late in the afternoon might inhibit my ability to sleep.

    We have weather coming. The temperature was -10° when I took Her Floofness out for a very short walk this morning. While it is going up gradually throughout the day to -1° by 8pm, the news on the radio this morning said that with the wind chill it would feel like -12°. There will be a bit of snow during the day, until 5:00pm, when it will start snowing… which will switch to freezing rain as the temperatures rise throughout the night. All this to say that I am not disappointed to be chained to my desk inside today!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 403

    I told Leslie last night that this morning I would weigh less than 274 lbs., and I was right. In fact, I beat it by a whole pound. Who knows? Maybe it is because according to my comparative chart to my 2020 race for my best weight, in that attempt I knew there was a tremendous day-over-day loss… or maybe it is simply because I have been sticking to my program, not cheating at all, and I had a really good bowel movement yesterday afternoon. More on that later, if you can believe it. Even dropping 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, I still lost ground on my comparison, based on a 2.6 lbs. drop from then. No matter… in the race to my best weight from 2017, I am now just over half a pound away… if I do not achieve it tomorrow, then it will certainly be by Tuesday.

    This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2. Looking back on the last few weeks, this is the third time since I am home from Dallas that it has happened. With the exception of the Great Nacho Chips & Salsa Debacle, my weight loss trend has been down quite steadily since then. For me to lose twenty pounds in one month is tremendous, but it is hard to see when just looking at the scale day after day. I decided to export a graph from Excel to show it:

    clip_image002

    While there are a couple of distinct spikes, the overall trend is undeniable. The only conclusion that can be derived from this is that what I am doing is working!

    I did end up going to Milton for a cigar with Sam yesterday, and it was delightful. Eduardo did not join us, which changed the dynamic. Sam and I have not had a discussion like we had in a while. It was quite nice. On my way there, I stopped by Starbucks, and once again I was disappointed by the coffee. Now that I am not adding sugar to my coffee, I am not sure if I simply do not like the blend that I chose, or if I am simply going to have to prepare my coffee at home from now on. The next time I go, I will try a different blend. If I don’t like that, then I will save some money, so it is not the worst thing… and I will save my shekels for when I want to splurge for a latté… especially when I am smoking a particular cigar with my wife.

    When I got home, I was finally able to have a really good bowel movement. It is rare, since I am on the full-fast, that I am able to have a really good BM, and tis was the second one this week. I am frankly a little amazed that I was able to do it… but it is painful, and I am going to have to look into a fibre supplement or something. The next time I go out, I will stop into the pharmacy and pick up a fibre supplement. I asked one of my support groups for opinions on which work best, and if there is one thing I have found in these groups it is that a lot of people are willing to share their opinions and experiences. It is one of the few places (aside from the occasional article here) where I am okay discussing my digestive tract, and the workings thereof. There are some things that I just do not like talking about with most of my friends…

    My diet buddy is coming over after my study group today. When I reached out to her yesterday, she told me that she really wanted to come because she had a bad week. I really hope that is only on her diet. I know that her kids were in town for study week, and she was worried about the food that would be readily available. I will do everything I can to talk her through getting back on track. I know that she will do fine though. I know a lot of people who have had bariatric surgery and who have gained the weight back, and I know she needs my support to not let that happen. The surgery makes it easy to lose the weight initially, but the psychology of food addiction makes it hard to keep it off. That is where having a diet buddy to call or text is most important.

    After my time in the loo yesterday I decided to once again try on my Size-36 pants. That was a mistake. I am not going to try them on again until I am at my Best Weight Ever. I am nineteen pounds away from that goal and am not even sure if they will fit then. I know that none of them (and admittedly there is a range of an inch or more when holding up the waists to each of them) are even close to fitting now, and every time I try them, I am reminded again that I am not there yet. It may take another six weeks, but I will put a note on the bin to leave it in the closet until I am there. I do not know what I was thinking in September 2020, but I have seven pair of pants in that size. It is a good thing that I should be in them for a while!

    I decided over the last few days to order a couple of new belts. It is amazing to think that when I separated out all of my clothes into bins a year ago, I had something like ten belts that did not fit me, but that once did. Looking in my armoire this morning I have three belts that fit me, one that is not only a bit long, but is stretched out and ratty, and none that are too small. Of the belts that fit, none of them are on the last hole. In fact, they are all on the third or fourth hole. A few months ago, I remember ordering Size 38 belts, and then returning them because they did not fit yet; at the time it did not seem like they ever would. I eventually bought them again, but only once I was sure. This time, despite the belts most likely not fitting yet, I know that they will within the next 4-6 weeks. I want to be ready, especially when my new tailored pants and sports jacket come in (which likely will not be until mid-May), by which point I will definitely be sporting that smaller size.

    The forecast for today is above zero for most of the afternoon. While I told my buddy in Cambridge that I will not be driving out there today (most likely we will do it next week), I messaged Sam and we might get together after my diet buddy leaves. We’ll see… I did not feel like making the trek out to Cambridge, but Milton is not nearly as long. As well, it is easier to stay on track there… the man cave in Cambridge has snacks and temptations everywhere you look, and I just do not feel like I have the capacity to avoid them all today. It is one thing to not go looking for junk; it is quite another to have it readily available and have to stay strong throughout the afternoon. There are days when I know that I have the willpower. Today is not one of those days. I have been feeling more tempted than usual to cheat these last few days. I have not done it, but I am not going to put myself in that position today. It is bad enough that I know what I have in the freezer should I decide to eat… that would require food preparation. Sitting within easy reach of a handful of nuts (and then another handful, followed by peanut-filled pretzels) requires nothing other than letting my guard down for just a moment. That moment will not be today. Once I get past today, I know that this week is a maelstrom of long days – teaching morning to night three days, and then Thursday evening I will head to the tailor to be measured for my new clothes. I am really excited about that… especially knowing that I will almost certainly weigh less than I did when I first got measured by them in 2017!

    I guess I should get moving. My study group starts in a few minutes, and I should publish my blog and get ready. Oh, I also realized that cutting my coffee down to half a pot per day is going to wait… I really felt it Friday, and that was an easy day compared to the week I have ahead.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 395

    Holy crap it is cold outside. Knowing that the forecast high is well above the freezing mark, I was not expecting the biting wind and cold of -8°, with the wind chill making it feel ten degrees colder. Princess Sophie, lower to the ground where I suppose the wind is not so harsh, was happy to go for the full turn through the park, which meant that I did get over 2,000 steps in before my coffee, and it also meant I was quietly thanking G-d for the wonderful scarf that Leslie knit for me last year. Even through my leather gloves my fingers were chilled. Nevertheless, I am Canadian born and bred, and I knew to dress properly for this February morning, and aside from my digits, the only discomfort I felt was to the only exposed part of my body… my face.

    I met my goals yesterday. I stayed on track. Save for a single sugar-free lozenge during class, I did not veer from the program. I remember writing yesterday, the words still on the screen if I look at the last paragraph in this immense journal, that I would drop below the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I did not have to wait any longer than that; when I stepped off the bathroom scale this morning, I could hardly believe my eyes, but after re-checking it several times, the numbers read 279.8 lbs. As an added bonus (but wait… there’s more!) my body mass index (BMI), that measurement that earlier this week I railed against, dropped below 36. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov), I am about 7.5 lbs. away from dropping out of Obese Class II into Obese Class I. That precise milestone happens to coincide with another upcoming milestone, which is my best weight from 2017. I have added that as a note on my comparative chart from 2020, which this morning has me 1.2 lbs. better than I was on the corresponding day from that year (Day 16 of my comparison), although that is not entirely accurate, as I was in Las Vegas at the time, as I would be through Day 19.

    I have written before that setting short-term goals is one of the keys to long-term success because they give you something to reach for that is not years away but can be reached within a reasonable period. If I were only looking eighteen months ahead then in the grand scheme of things, why would it matter if I took one day off? With short-term goals, I know that last weekend’s failure with the nachos and salsa delayed today’s milestone by four or five days. I did not cheat again during the week (although that latté also slowed my progress), and I got here. When I started out, the idea of losing the 115 lbs. that I have so far lost was impossibly distant… so I set goals for 20, 40, 80, 100, 120, 140, and 170 pounds. I also set milestones at every 10 pounds, and several other benchmarks along the way. I have strived to reach those… and I have celebrated both the scale- and non-scale victories. Without setting short-term goals, I do not know if it would be possible for anyone to achieve that long-term success. Hitting milestones feels wonderful, and it is these short-term victories that spur us on to not cheat today.

    At the same exact moment that I was about to step onto the bathroom scale, I noticed a text message on my phone from a woman that I am trying to support through her weight loss journey. Through no fault of her own, she ran into a huge obstacle on her journey, and she was desperate to figure out how to handle it. I called her, and we spoke at length about different ways she could get past it. We also discussed how she should start making small lifestyle changes that will increase her chances for success by limiting her exposure to temptations. I have said since the first time I started this program in 2017 that I was lucky that I lived alone and did not have to be around someone else’s food… let alone have to prepare it for them.

    She has a teenage son for whom she has been cooking every evening, requiring her to be in the kitchen with the food every evening. I am not a gourmet chef by any measure (well, measured against the chefs in the Army I suppose I am) but I can tell you that I cannot imagine preparing food properly without tasting it to make sure I got it right. Her husband spends a lot of time on the road for work, but the son has to eat. I suggested that she come up with several meal ideas for him, then take him shopping… and teach him how to cook for himself. This is not only a good plan for her weight loss but will also greatly benefit him for the rest of his life. Start with a simple dish like spaghetti… here’s how to cook the noodles (and if there is anything easier than this other than toast then I don’t know what it is), and here’s how to empty the sauce into a pot and heat it up. Hamburgers! Here’s the patty, here’s the frying pan. You like onions and tomatoes on your burger? Great! Here’s a knife. Let’s make chicken! Here’s chicken-quarters, here’s a pan, here’s some seasoning. You get the picture. Oh, and by the way, kiddo… everything you use, you have to clean… so here’s how to minimize the mess that you make so as to facilitate the clean-up. Trust me, when you move into a university dorm… or when you are sixteen and your parents go away for the weekend… or when you are fifty-years-old, twice-divorced and living apart from your new wife because of the US Department of State… knowing how to prepare your own healthy meals without relying on ordering in all the time will be a huge lifesaver… not to mention that women find guys who can cook for them hot.

    Okay, we have addressed that problem… but what about the meal replacements that her clinic refuses to sell her until she comes in for an appointment, but they cannot fit her in until the beginning of next month? Okay, here’s a solution to that… and until they ship to you, here’s an interim solution.

    Perfect… I just wish that my friends understood. Guess what, lady? Nobody does. Your husband is wonderful and understanding and supportive and that is amazing. That does not mean that he understands. Your friends, who think that the program you are on is unhealthy because they are all so much smarter than you? Not only are they wrong, but they will never understand. This may sound obnoxious or arrogant (and it would not be the first time this week that I have been called either or both of those), but that’s why you have me. I told her the story about the guy who fell into a hole, which rather that typing out, I will copy and paste from the site http://www.westwingtranscripts.com, as it quotes the great Leo McGarry (played by the incredible John Spencer):

    This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

    Like so many others, she is afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is not easy. I asked her what she was afraid of, and she told me that she was afraid that she would disappoint me when she failed. I told her about the nacho and salsa incident last Sunday… how I dealt with it, and how I recovered my footing the next day. I told her about how I did my research and planned out the meal in advance so that I would not fail… and then how I failed… not months ago, mind you; this happened six days ago. I could have told her about myriad other failures along my journey… not to mention the fact that my journey has started three times now, and I have now lost over one hundred pounds three times now… and twice I have regained it all back. I told her that people who do not fail, do not need my support. I told her that if she could do it alone, she would have done it alone. I told her that I would never judge her because I have been her… Hell, I am her. It is far too easy to gain weight and far too hard to lose it. The difference is that there are all sorts of people who will help you to gain it… in fact, it is so easy that you do not usually need their help. While there might be psychological reasons why we gain weight, it is a simple process… make bad choices, eat too much of it, repeat. If she wants my support then she should take advantage of it when she is about to cheat and needs someone to offer her alternatives… or when she has already cheated and needs someone who understands, and who can guide her away from the slippery slope.

    In January 2002 I was on a ski trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. I had not been on skis since 1981, and I knew that I would need lessons. After being fitted for my rental equipment, I spent the morning of that first day on the slopes with an excellent instructor who helped me to remember that I was once a skier, and he spent more time showing me the best trails than he did showing me technique. It really was just like riding a bike. I bade him farewell at the end of the morning, and after lunch at the top of the mountain, I headed out on my own.

    I found myself at a divide between two trails, and I decided that the green dot trail would be too easy for me. I opted for the blue square trail, which after remembering that I used to be a skier was more my speed. It was an unfamiliar trail, but I had been down many ‘blue runs’ that morning, and I would be fine. Pretty soon, that trail split into two… a blue run, and a double black diamond run, which would be far too advanced for me. I was about to make the turn to stay safe when something got in my way… I do not remember if it was another skier or a critter. The slight delay in turning forced my hand, and I was on the double-black run. I was feeling exhilarated! I was doing great… until I realized how fast I was going, and I tried to slow down… but the slope had gotten too steep, and nothing that I remembered from my childhood or from my two hours of lessons that morning taught me anything about stopping on a 70° downward slope of pure powder. My legs did everything they could to stay under me, and I made every turn possible to slow my descent, but it was to no avail… pretty soon I was on my ass (wholly predictable), and it took me another 60-100 metres to stop. I collected my skis (which took longer than you might expect, considering all of the factors), and walked down to safer ground. A ski patrol who had seen what had happened came by and clipped my lift ticket. I was done for the day.

    The trauma from that day stuck with me. I spent the next day (a gorgeous sunny ‘champagne powder’ day) sitting at a bar called The Tap House in town. The following day I did something else. My three-day ski trip turned into a one-day ski trip, with two more days of drinking, eating chicken wings, playing trivia at the bar, and sitting in the outdoor hot tub at the Steamboat Grand.

    The following year, I went on a ski trip to Montana, and I stuck to the green slopes. A year or two later, I went to Park City, Utah… once again, skiing the easiest slopes, except for when I was with a guide… who knew that I was not an experienced skier. The guides knew this from what I told them, not from watching me ski. They all tried to encourage me to try again, but I never got past that slippery slope at Steamboat Springs.

    If only I had not excused my instructor that first day. If only I had the courage to say, ‘I still need help!’ If only I had not thought to myself that I could do it myself and did not need anyone’s help. I wonder how much more enjoyment I would have gotten out of those trips had I just admitted that I needed help.

    That slippery slope can kill you and thank G-d you did not go off a cliff.

    Had I asked for help I likely would not have been on the slippery slope… and had I done so, the help would have guided me to safety.

    I did not need any help on the green and blue trails, and had I stuck to those, everything would have been fine. If my friend lived alone, never needing to expose herself to other peoples’ foods, she would be just fine. There is no shame in asking for help… and if the person that you ask knows what you are going through then they will never judge you for what you perceive to be your weaknesses. They will understand.

    People who do not make mistakes, do not slip, do not falter… they do not need support. The rest of us can truly use the support of others, and we are foolish to eschew it and try to go it alone. Weight loss is a very difficult uphill climb, and as with mountain climbing it is so easy to make one misstep… and fall off the cliff. The difference between recovering and failing is the support that we have. Refusing to reach out to them for fear of judgement is no different from making that last mistake that sees you falling to the bottom.

    Whoever you reach out to for support will be thrilled to celebrate your successes and victories with you… but they will also be there when you falter to remind you that you are not alone. They will give you tips and tricks on how to do better… and they will help you to remember that any weight loss journey will be replete with successes and failures, and that you are human and will make mistakes. Can you minimize those mistakes? Sure. Can you avoid them completely? Probably not. Along the road to being slim a few nacho chips with salsa will fall in your path. Get by them and continue on your journey.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. The fact that I achieved a milestone this morning does not mean that I get to rest on my laurels. I am now 19.5 lbs. from reaching my best post-Army weight… I am 4.6 lbs. from going to my tailor’s appointment under 275 lbs., and I am 9.6 lbs. from flying to Dallas under 270 lbs. These are all short-term goals that I have set for myself, and while they are on the far end of realistic, a single misstep would likely put them out of reach. I will not sabotage myself by falling down now. After my second shake of the day, I am going to drive into Hamilton to see Lyle and Dorothy for a couple of hours. I asked Lyle what I could bring, and he reminded me that I have had a bag of Montreal bagels in my freezer for them for the last several months. I will be glad to be rid of them at long last, and they are currently sitting in my travel cooler by the front door. I might stop in at Bulk Barn near them because there is a snack that Leslie asked for that was not available in the Bulk Barn near me. Unlike so many other snacks that I might pick up for her, these are just too decadent to tempt me seriously. Yes, I would love them… but unlike Goldfish crackers or Pop Chips, I cannot look at a chocolate-covered pretzel covered in M&Ms and make any justification that would sound plausible. ‘Hey, Goldfish crackers, eaten in moderation, are a reasonable snack!’ Maybe so… but who am I trying to kid that if I open the bag today that there will be any left by bedtime tomorrow? No, the pretzels for Leslie and her son will be safe… and by going into Bulk Barn on a day when not only did I hit a milestone, but also on a day when I spent so much time supporting (and then writing about supporting) others through missteps will not hold the same temptation as it might if it were just any other day. Stay the course. Stay on track. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I might weigh 280 lbs… or I might weigh 279.2 lbs. If it is the former, it will not be because I cheated today. If it is the latter, it will definitely be because I did not cheat today.

    (Holy crap! I do not know if I have ever written over 3,000 words for a single journal entry. If you read all of it then power to you!)

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 394

    I had a bit of a false alarm this morning that left me a little disappointed, but I also know that the disappointment is silly. For the first time in a couple of weeks I put on a pair of jeans this morning, and they felt a bit loose in the waist. That is a huge victory of course! It led me to think that if the Size-38 jeans are a bit loose, I wonder if… I went down to the locker and with fear and trepidation I pulled out the last bin of clothes that do not fit yet. Peeking inside I saw several pair of Size-36 pants and jeans, many of which still have the tags on them. If they fit, then that was it… I would have no more bins of clothes that do not fit yet. I brought the bin upstairs and pulled out a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans. They do not fit. Nor do the Levi’s 505 jeans which seem to have a slightly bigger waist to them. The disappointment set in… until I remembered that when I bought these on a whim in 2020, I weighed twenty pounds less than I do today… and they did not fit yet. I do not know if I need to lose another twenty-five or thirty pounds before I can be rid of the bins, but I do know that Rome was not built in a day. I did not gain the one hundred and thirty-five pounds from my best-weight-ever to my worst overnight… so why should I expect to lose all of it that quickly? I have lamented many times that gaining weight is much easier and quicker than losing it. Why do I write these things if I am not going to listen to my own advice? If I can stay on track, I will get there… but it will not be quick and it will not be easy.

    As miffed as I was yesterday to see that I had gained weight according to the bathroom scale is nothing to compare to the elation that I felt this morning to see it tell me that I am down 1.6 lbs. this morning, squarely back in best-weight-yet territory… eight pounds from my best weight from 2017, and exactly twenty pounds from my best weight ever from 2020. It is truly exciting!

    I truly had no motivation yesterday; I am embarrassed to say that I accomplished nothing. I did not study, I did not go to the gym. I wrote in my journal, and I spoke with a few friends. I tried to take a nap, but that proved unsuccessful. I did help Eduardo out with his computer; he called me frantically the previous day telling me that his computer had been hacked. I told him I was teaching, but that I would help him over the next day or two. Yesterday evening, following my check-in call with my weight loss buddy, he brought the laptop over, and I cleaned it out. In truth, there was no hack, only one of those annoying screens that makes it look like you have been attacked by ransomware. It took me about three minutes to fix the problem, but it also gave me the opportunity to call the jackass scam call centre moron in India and to tell him to go shove a motherboard up his posterior. I did not say it so nicely, and it made Eduardo laugh.

    Once that was taken care of, I noticed that his computer was missing some major updates, so I set that in motion while Eduardo and I sat outside with a cigar. Now that he knows the inside joke, he told me that it was a wonderful cigar, but that he would not say that it was the best. Oh well, I hope I did not ruin that!

    The most important thing was that I stuck to the program. I did not veer off the full fast program at all, which allowed me to get through the day without a great deal of hunger and went to bed mostly satisfied. Because I was unable to nap during the day, I did fall asleep pretty quickly, and I slept the night. At around 6:15am Her Royal Floofness asked to come up onto the bed. She has been grudgingly sleeping in her bed next to the bedroom door, but a couple of times in the night she got up to walk around – yes, I hear her every time she does that… especially when I do not take her collar off. The final time she came to my side of the bed and put her front paws up, and I knew she wanted Daddy’s love. She has been so good, and I decided to bring her up for my last hour of slumber before I finally got up and hit the morning routine. She did not want to venture out very far this morning because it was cold and slippery, so unless I do go to the gym, today will not be a good steps day.

    I also want to do some studying today, and I should be able to make time for that. I am teaching this evening, but that does not mean that my daytime should be completely unproductive. I am going to hit the books for sure. Whether I will get to the gym or not I do not know, but I do not have to move from where I am sitting now to study. I was asked yesterday to teach two different classes that I am not currently certified to teach, but one of them I am working toward, and the other is the logical follow-up to this certification. Maybe that will give me the incentive to work hard on it today, and all of next week.

    My plan for the day is to stay on track with regard to my meal replacements. This evening I will light the Shabbat candles. While I might venture out to the supermarket to buy coffee beans, I will not be going to Fortino’s, and I will not be tempted to buying challah for the Sabbath. Yesterday I lamented that it took me an extra day (or two) to return to best-weight-yet territory because of a café latté; I am now half-a-pound from registering under the 280 lbs. mark, and I do not want to set myself up for failure on that. I might hit it tomorrow morning, and if I do not then it will be Sunday or Monday… unless I forget myself and stop concentrating. Focus, mindfulness, and discipline are how I will achieve the three goals I set out for myself for the next couple of weeks, and then on to my final push where it is no longer best-weight-yet… but best-weight-ever! Twenty pounds to go… and from there, I will probably have another 50-65 pounds to go.

    I counted my meal replacements this morning. I have enough to last through Tuesday, plus my first two on Wednesday. I am planning a trip into Toronto on Tuesday to do some volunteer work on someone’s network, so I will kill two birds with one stone. The drive into the city is long enough that I do not do it lightly unless I have a really good reason to… especially with the price of gas today. It is certainly much less expensive than it was a year ago, but as it hovers between $1.40 and $1.50 per litre, I do not see the need to waste it. I am always happy to drive to see friends, and I would have been happy to drive into town to help with the network if I had no other obligations… but if I can be more efficient, then why would I waste it? Not to mention that if I were to just drive there, get my shakes, then turn around and drive right back it would be a two hour round trip… assuming the best for traffic. At the same time, I told Leslie last night that I am going to order American meal replacements to her place in anticipation of my upcoming trip. They are a little less expensive, and if I do not have to pack ten days worth into my suitcase then so much the better.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she slipped and fell on the ice… and did not have any trouble getting up. We laughed and exchanged pleasantries, and then I pointed out how funny it might sound to an outside observer to listen to us laughing about us falling on our tuchus. These are the non-scale victories that we strive for… in addition to fitting into smaller clothes and looking better!

    It is a beautiful but cold day outside, and I am going to do some studying. I will stay on track. I will drop under the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I will not falter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.

  • Day 391

    One thing I should have realized yesterday from my disgusting weight gain was that I had not had a successful bowel movement in a couple of days. It was only after I wrote my article – not to mention after my morning meal replacement and a couple cups of coffee – that I had one. I wonder, had I done that in the morning, if I would have fared better. Probably not, but it is nice to think about.

    I got through the day pretty much unscathed. I did not get any exercise in, and the embarrassingly low step count is something that I would have more closely associated with a day when I taught all day and hardly left my desk. I did do a little bit more walking than I had done most days last week because I went to the supermarket to buy distilled water for my humidor. I have to tell you, the deeper I get into my weight loss journey, the more tempted I am to splurge. I am not going to lie, walking past the aisle of potato chips to get to my distilled water did make me think twice, and I had to redouble my focus to not splurge. I know those potato chips would taste oh so good and would scratch an itch that I have been feeling for weeks. I also know that if I give in to that momentary temptation that I will be paying for it dearly the following morning when I step onto the bathroom scale. I already fell off the wagon with the nacho chips and salsa at the restaurant… but those chips are not the type that really tempt me. I have to stay focused and get through the next twenty-three days until I get to Dallas… hopefully ten pounds lighter than I am this morning. If I don’t then I will never succeed.

    My housekeeper (who is also a friend whom I have known for a decade) came over yesterday afternoon, and we were discussing weight loss because she weighs herself every time she comes over… and she does not weigh herself anywhere else. I have not bothered telling her that when she weighs herself with her clothes on, she is not accounting for that extra weight, but I do not want her to think that I am trying to get her to take her clothes off. Far from it! Anyhow, she was telling me how much she wants to weigh ideally, and she discussed some of the downsides to that weight loss. We then discussed some of the pitfalls to any weight loss journey, and I gave her my ‘I can never order Buffalo wings in a restaurant ever again’ shpiel. Fortunately, before I had to tell her anything more, Eduardo came over and we went outside to smoke.

    How wonderful was it when Eduardo walked into the apartment, looked at me, and said ‘My G-d, Mitch! How much weight have you lost? You look amazing!’ If feels great when friends notice. I generally do not like to discuss my journey (and especially the program that I am on) with anyone, he is aware of it because when I was on the program the first time, he and I went on vacation together a couple of times, and he had to be aware of it so that he would not pressure me to eat. Anyhow, he is extremely proud of what I have been able to lose so far. He told me that he has never seen me this thin before, but I told him that in 2017 I was actually about eleven pounds lighter than I am right now. I am close enough to that milestone that he can be forgiven for thinking I am lighter now than I was then. In any event, it was great to see him, and to catch up after nearly a month.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale dropped only slightly this morning, likely because I did not get any significant exercise. I will try to make up for that today; I might go for a jog later in the day when it has warmed up. When Princess Sophie and I went out for our walk this morning it was gorgeous and sunny… and it was still -2° outside. With a forecast high of 9°, it should be a brilliant day to hit the road again. I am not at all displeased that my appointment to help someone with their network in downtown Toronto was deferred until next week. Not only can I jog during my freed-up afternoon, but it also means that I can have a wonderful and relaxed video date with my wife this evening without worrying about rushing home. It is, after all, Valentine’s Day, and she is my beshert. She told me that I should be expecting a parcel from Canada Post sometime today, and I am really excited to get it! I know that she received her Valentine’s Day gift a little early, but she loved it and her getting it earlier does not detract from the sentiment of it.

    My plans for today are to get my hair cut, and then see if I can get my sunglass lenses taken care of. I will not bore my readers with the details of that. After that, depending on a number of minor factors, I will likely go out for a jog/walk. I know that Sunday I was able to jog 3km before pulling up and walking the rest of the way. It would be great if I could make it to 4km today, but whether I do or I do not, I know that it is most likely irrelevant to my weight loss. What is most important is that I am getting out and exercising, and no matter if I jog two or five kilometres, it is still better than not jogging at all. I also suspect that by finishing the >6.5km circuit, by jogging or walking, constitutes a huge success. Additionally, I will stick to my full fast program and only consume my 900 calories, plus my pot of coffee. I am not lecturing at all, which means I do not have to worry about extra coffee (or tea), or lozenges. While I realize that all of those are likely insignificant it at all relevant to my program, today is a day without them which means I am full-bore on the program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • On Obesity, the Body Mass Index, and Really Bad Advice

    I have a friend that I have known over a decade who told me recently that her doctor told her that she was clinically obese, and that he wanted to put her on weight loss medications. She was furious, claiming that he did not understand that her muscle weighs more than fat, and that she is actually in really good shape. She asked how she could be in such good shape, and still be obese.

    I am obese. I am what is classified by Health Canada as Obese class II, which means that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is between 35.0 and 39.9. A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece called STOP THE PRESSES! I AM OBESE! I wrote this the day that I realized that I dropped out of the classification of Severely Obese (which had previously been called Morbidly Obese). I am looking forward to achieving my next huge milestone, which will be to fall into the Obesity Class I category, which will mean that my BMI is below 34.9. For perspective, today my BMI is 36.1, and on February 1 it was 37. I have lost 6.6 lbs. in that time frame. As I lose the weight, my BMI drops, and I can see my progress, as well as the health benefits from into the lower classification.

    In other words, it is a great tool for those who are overweight and need to lose weight.

    My friend is not overweight. She is extremely muscular, and from her Facebook pictures (of which there are many) she does not look overweight to me. She does not feel overweight. Yet her doctor, who is not a weight loss specialist, looks at her and says that she needs to lose weight.

    The BMI is flawed in that it takes into account two factors only: height and weight. If you are this height, and you weigh this much, then this is your BMI, and you are either obese or not. We have known for decades that muscle weighs more than fat. How then can we say that a man who is 6’2” tall and 225 lbs. of solid muscle is obese? If his twin brother was the same height and weight, but was out of shape with a paunch, then that classification would make sense. To call someone obese based on a chart that accounts height versus weight just does not work.

    When I was going to weight management clinics in the past, the specialists taught us that the BMI is a flawed system. It works for those who are truly fat, but it cannot be applied equally to those who are in good shape. Why then would a doctor look at a patient, having obviously examined them thoroughly, and tell them, ‘According to this chart you need to lose weight.’? It is going to accomplish nothing other than to give the patient a complex. When people are told by their friends that they are overweight it hurts their feelings. When a doctor says it, that means that it must be true, and it can adversely affect their psyche. I do not know what psychological effects this misdiagnosis will have on my friend, but I know that it was weighing on her mind enough that she was complaining about it to me on a Saturday night.

    Doctors know that their words are, for many patients, gospel. If they say the patient is fat then it does not matter what size jeans they wear, that’s it. As such, they should know that there are other factors to a healthy weight than just the numbers on a chart, and if they do not then they should not offer uneducated opinions or advice that will hurt their patients’ feelings for no reason.

    I am glad that my friend refused the weight loss medications that the doctor wanted to prescribe because nobody wants to lose muscle. If she wants to keep her muscular body then she should not be encouraged that ‘this or that very flawed chart says that you need to lose weight, so lose weight.’

    The Body Mass Index is very helpful to me on my weight loss journey, and my family physician who has been monitoring me for the past year has been extremely helpful and encouraging on my journey. He also recognizes that as a general practitioner, he is not a weight loss expert, so when he is not sure about something he would rather give me no advice than bad advice. Perhaps my friend’s doctor should take a lesson from him.

    In our culture, our body image is a huge factor in our self-worth, and while that is probably unhealthy, it is absolutely true. Body shaming is disgusting from our friends and loved ones, and from strangers on the street who feel it is their place to comment on someone’s size. From a medical practitioner it is absolutely unconscionable, and when the doctor is ignorant on the subject it should be left to the professionals… or at least to doctors who are smart enough to know that two factors alone cannot determine a healthy body size.

  • Day 383

    Today is the first day of a very long and grueling week, all of which I am very excited about. I love teaching, and I especially love that as a contractor who ‘eats what he kills,’ my dance card is filling up nicely for the next little while. Knowing that my daytime class today starts shortly, and that my evening class follows immediately after the culmination of the early class and continues to 9:30pm, I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night, my alarm set for 7:00am, ready to face the very long day well-rested. What happens then when you cannot sleep? I fell asleep just fine, but my eyes popped open around 3:45am, and for love or money I could not fall back into slumber. When I finally gave up on sleep (for the short term), I decided to go through my phone’s picture library from the past three years. I am very good at taking lots of pictures, and because I was notified recently by Apple that my cloud storage was full, I even went through them a few weeks ago and deleted hundreds (if not thousands) of pictures that were just not needed. In the middle of the night, my mission was to add a few mew pictures to my Favourites folder. It turns out that meant nearly two hundred pictures of Leslie, several of HRF Princess Sophie, and maybe 5-10 of friends and others. By the time I finally got back off to sleep (around 5:15am) that folder had ballooned from 18 pictures to 230. I broke my general rule and took another melatonin gummy, and finally closed my eyes again… and even though I did not sleep through to my alarm, that extra 90 minutes of sleep was important. I feel that I can now face the day.

    Yesterday evening I told Leslie that after two days at the same weight, I was really looking forward to seeing the numbers on the bathroom scale drop this morning. She told me that if my weight stayed the same, I am still winning. While we had a minor misunderstanding over the homonym lose, I agreed with her that staying where I was would not be a loss. I am glad we had that conversation, because guess what I weighed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning? If you guessed exactly what I weighed yesterday and the day before, then you win the prize! I did not drop below 285 (see my psychology rant from yesterday… I originally wrote 385), but I did not gain. I will stay on track again today, and hopefully tomorrow I will break the plateau. If not, Leslie is right… as frustrating as it might be, it is nowhere near as bad as that plateau just above the 300-pounds mark. I will also mention that today was the third straight morning that I was unsuccessful moving my bowels… that is not uncommon while on my full-fast program, but I do hope to end that streak tomorrow.

    My plans for today are to stay on track, and with my schedule I doubt I will have any opportunity not to. While I have three 15-minute breaks throughout the day, I am supposed to have a 1-hour lunch break, but I have an important appointment that will take up most of that time. As such, the order of the day is coffee with meal replacements… and nothing more.

    My diet buddy came over for a cuppa yesterday, and we had a great talk. It really is great that both of us have stayed (mostly) on track. I had my modified program, and she had her surgery, but a year later and we are both doing great. I really hope our friendship continues to grow even after we have both achieved our goals. We discussed yesterday how difficult it is to know that we will always have to be mindful of what we eat and will never be able to eat like we once did again. It is sad, but an alcoholic cannot have just one drink… for us it will be more difficult because we will still have to eat, just differently. I told her all about the Chinese meal that I planned out beforehand and enjoyed in Dallas, and that gave us both a little hope that while we cannot eat like we once did, at least we can eat and enjoy it. I think one of the big tricks will be for us to switch from eating to enjoy the experience to eating in order to fuel our much healthier bodies. That will not be an easy change for either of us to make… we both love food so much! She was telling me about a brunch she enjoyed that included eggs benedict on avocado toast, and while it sounded delicious, it also sounded dangerous. She enjoyed it but got right back on track. Maybe she is further ahead with the psychology than I am.

    One more thing that we discussed was getting rid of our bigger clothes, which led to a much more important discussion. She told me that she had a colleague who was larger, and she was going to give all of her larger clothes to. I asked her how close she was to that colleague, and she told me not at all. I then advised her not to do it. I reminded her how personal our weight loss is, and that giving her the clothes can be seen in several ways, but almost all of those ways would include having to share her journey with yet one more person… and each extra person you share with takes a toll. That is before we even hear from them their experiences and struggles, and why what we are doing is wrong, but their way is better. She agreed with me and will be donating all of those clothes to charity. The colleague’s loss will be the charity’s gain.

    I want to clarify one thing about my occasional sleep issues. A year ago, I had trouble sleeping because I could not get comfortable with the massive bulk of my body. That is not the case now… but sometimes I simply cannot sleep. I know that the meds I take for ADHD can affect that, which is why I take that pill first thing in the morning, which my doctor assured me is the best way to make sure that it does not affect it too much. There have been several nights over the past few months when I had trouble sleeping, but that was usually due to stress and anxiety caused by factors that were (at the time) beyond my control, but which were still very real. Last night? There is no reason, other than sometimes people have trouble sleeping!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 368

    There are changes that are happening to my body gradually as I lose the weight that are neither immediately obvious to me nor impossible to ignore. A few days ago, Leslie and I were on video chat, and she told me that for the first time ever she could visibly see my collarbone. As the padding peels off, the body that is supposed to be underneath all of that fat somewhere will gradually show itself. I did not think much of it at the time, but a day or two later I realized the implications. What will my body look like when it is not insulated by two hundred pounds of fat? I do not know… but I know that I am looking forward to finding out. I look at myself today and then look at a picture from a month ago – not even a year ago, but a month ago! – and I see huge changes. I then look at people on the street, at the gym, at the store, and wherever else I see normal people, and wonder how I will compare to them when I am at their BMI. It is exciting, but it is daunting.

    I do not know what was so different yesterday, but I felt like I went to the washroom a lot more often than I usually do during the day (and with power and force each time), and then only woke up once in the night to pee. I did not eat or drink anything different that I can think of, other than that at the cigar event I went to I drank a few bottles of Dasani water (which is not my favourite but was all that was available). I will say that I did walk more yesterday than I have in a long time – it was a relatively nice day (for the middle of January in Canada) and I ended up with just short of 12,000 steps… walking HRF accounted for 1.6km, and when I could not sleep in the afternoon I walked just short of 5km. It was not a power walk, and I did not turn on my app, but my fitness watch tracked it, nonetheless. I suppose the exercise does help somewhat. I remember thinking yesterday evening that I seemed to be peeing more than I was drinking (quite the feat!) and I was sure to see a drop on the bathroom scale this morning. I came in from that event late (I had driven into Toronto without my phone, let alone my meal replacement) so I had it when I came home much later than usual, so I was worried that would counterbalance the good of the day. Nope! The bathroom scale registered nearly a full pound drop from yesterday!

    On that subject, I have written extensively about milestones and short-term goals. Since the very beginning of this journey when I started keeping a journal, I have said that every ten-pound loss – into the 320s when I was at 329.8 lbs., down from 330.2 lbs. – was a huge milestone. Since I started back on the strict program ten days ago, I have also realized that every change to the last whole-number-digit of my weight feels huge. Yesterday morning my weight finally dropped to 292.6, down from three days of 293.6 and then 293.2. This morning it dropped to 291.8 lbs. It is unlikely that tomorrow that last integer will change again, but every change to that ‘ones’ column feels like an accomplishment. Whether it is or it is not, it is a sign of actual progress… especially after the two-month plateau that showed such little progress, and when it was made on one day, it was so often eliminated on the next.

    I have another busy day today. Starting in a few minutes I have a study session with a couple of friends for a couple of hours; after that I am driving into Toronto once again to spend some time with another friend who is going through some stuff. If I cannot give wise advice, then I can at least be a friendly ear to let him talk out his own issues. I will bring cigars because that is what we do… it is not the solution for everyone, but for a cigar smoker, a good cigar is more than just a comfort and an enjoyment; it is a conversation starter and can be the lubricant to letting one more freely share difficult emotions… something that many (if not most) men of an age were never really comfortable doing. Unlike yesterday, I will bring my meal replacement with me. My study session is scheduled to go until 12:30pm, so before I leave the house, I will have my second of the day, and will bring my third with me in case (as I expect) I am there longer than a couple of hours. I will endeavour to take my phone as well, but I think I am going to start a new habit of turning it off when I am in serious conversations with people. I notice that since starting my medications I am less likely to pick it up to look at it every time it beeps or buzzes. I can go one step further and change it from being an appendage to something I pick up when I need to… and not a constant (and disrespectful) interruption.

    Have a great day folks!