Losing a part of me

Category: Health

  • One Pound Lost is Three Pounds of Progress

    A pound is a pound, right? By any definition of weights and measures, one-pound equals sixteen ounces. It is very simple.

    In a recent conversation with a friend who is on the same weight loss program as I am, she told me that she had been disappointed that she was only losing one pound per week… but she was finally at peace with that, knowing that she was sticking to the program religiously. She would have to settle for what she was doing.

    I disagreed with her, much to her surprise. I told her that she had not lost a single pound, she had actually lost three. She – along with the others who were involved in the conversation – looked at me confused.

    Let’s look at the math: Take the number 150. If you weigh 150lbs and you lose one pound, you now weigh 149lbs, right? 150-1=149. That is one pound actually lost.

    Weight loss is extremely difficult. It would have been just as easy for her to have not lost that pound. She would not be 149lbs, but still 150lbs. 149+1=150. That is one pound potentially not lost.

    My friend stayed the course of the weight loss program… but what if she had cheated just a little during the week? Say, rather than having two poached eggs and a salad for breakfast on Saturday, she had instead had the bacon cheese omelet with a side of buttered toast? All of a sudden, instead of losing a pound she would actually have been up a pound. 150+1=151. That is one pound possibly gained.

    Every pound lost – nay, every ounce lost, is not only one ounce closer to your goal, it is one ounce you might not have lost, and in fact you might have instead gained. So in fact, every pound lost is not one pound, rather it is those three pounds – the one actually lost, the one potentially not lost, and the one possibly gained.

    In 1990 Paula Abdul had a hit song called Opposites Attract… ‘I take two steps forward; you take two steps back. We come together ‘cos opposites attract.’ While we may support each other, but dieting is an individual event. There are no opposites; the forward steps are successes; the backward steps are setbacks. Staying in place is the eternal glass-half-full question… did I fail for not losing, or did I succeed for not gaining? It all depends on the individual perspective, but the optimist looks at it as a success and the pessimist sees it as a failure.

    Who is right? Neither is… and both are. We all have different personality types. Some people will see the stagnation as a reason to redouble their efforts. “I stayed where I was, but I am optimistic that if I keep at it, I will get past this plateau.” Some will see it as a reason to quit. “I worked so hard on my diet and stayed the same… I might as well quit.” It is important for the pessimist’s support system to remind them how far he or she has come, and how a plateau is a temporary body adjustment. The optimist, on the other hand, might need to be reminded that too many plateaus might mean they need to make a change – in my case, they might suggest I stop adding milk and sugar to my coffee. The point is that both the optimist and the pessimist are right… and at the same time, both might need encouragement and adjustment.

    Progress is what you make of it, whether it is forward progress or the occasional backward progress. The difference between seeing the one-pound weight loss as ‘I only lost one pound’ and ‘Wow! I lost a pound!’ Can be the difference in the future between long-term success and the alternative. Keeping a positive attitude is so important and can propel a stagnating dieter to ultimate success.

  • Day 58

    Yesterday morning my friend Eduardo picked me up, and we drove down to St. Catherines to spend a few hours with his son. There was some minor computer work that needed to be done – having to do mostly with Quickbooks, which made it more Victor’s area of knowledge than mine. The three of us then went for lunch at a nice Greek restaurant on the Welland canal. I was good – I had two chicken brochettes on a plate of salad. There was more salad dressing than I strictly needed, but still less than my friends put on the Caesar salad last weekend. I also enjoyed the tzatziki – certainly not on the diet, but better that it was on the chicken, and not scooped up with pita bread. No, I did not indulge in than particular sin.

    For dinner I had a slightly larger helping of chicken than I probably should have but did not go terribly overboard. I had my salad, and because it was such a lovely day, I had three and a half cigars on the patio. I was saddened by news that a close friend of my father’s had a heart attack on Wednesday, and I spent a bit of time thinking of him. I am praying for his speedy recovery. He was younger than my dad… but not by much. He was also a lifetime smoker (in addition to being a cigar smoker) and did not live the healthiest lifestyle. As Leslie and I discussed it last night, I told her I am trying to lose the weight, but I was not planning on giving up my cigars anytime soon. Esti (who told me the news) said that we all have a bullet out there with our name on it. Well, I have avoided far too many of those bullets (and none of them were figurative) to live my life in fear… and I will not give up my cigars because of that.

    I have to drive to Brantford this morning to pick up another collection of meal replacements. It is amusing that I am driving all over G-d’s green earth to pick them up… as if they were contraband being delivered by one of Cosmo Kramer’s shady friends. Never mind… I have to go out to do some grocery shopping anyways, and it is another nice day. I might bring a cigar along, although I have not decided on that yet.

    Lyle is coming over for a cigar in the afternoon, which will be nice. I really enjoy sitting and chatting with good friends. I cannot think of any other plans I have for the day, or for the weekend. I am sure something exciting will come up!

    Have a great day!

  • Day 49 Part 2

    I am up from two weeks ago. Only one pound, but I have to get back on track. I hope I have my head on straight now, and I can refocus my energy on the weight loss plan.

    My doctor asked me what exercises I have been doing, and I told him that because of my feet and my knees I have not been doing anything. He prescribed the colchicine, and hopefully over the next day or two things will start feeling better. As directed, I took two pills immediately, and will start taking one pill every evening before bed. The scrip reads twice daily, but I am going to start slow and see if I actually need two. I will say that it has been only a few hours, and my feet are already feeling much better. Hopefully that is just what the doctor ordered… no pun intended.

    I miss my Leslie, but we were able to chat for an hour as I sat on the patio with a cigar (okay, two of them). My doctor told me that smoking can be bad for your health, but I told him that they save lives. He asked what I meant, and I told him there are several people who I have not punched in the face because of cigars. He laughed, and agrees that if I am not inhaling, and if I need them to stay on track losing weight, then I should not stop. He also suggested that swimming is good exercise… I asked him where he would recommend going with all the pools closed. I think the simple answer to that has been staring me in the face… and tomorrow morning I am going to finally book our trip to Cuba!

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 33–Monday, February 21, 2022

    I have made no progress in a week… but with all the crap that has happened, I am just glad that I did not lose any ground either.

    Leslie and I went shopping yesterday and we bought two gorgeous dress shirts for me to wear for the next couple of months, until my nicer dress shirts start to fit. I spent more than I was planning to on the second shirt, but Leslie is so good to me, how could I deny her? Also, I thought it was a gorgeous shirt too!

    Yesterday I was good until I was not. Lyle made a fabulous dinner of boeuf bourguignon, which he prepared for me without noodles. I also ended up having a few of Leslie’s noodles when she was done, which means that not only did I go overboard on the portions, I also had the carbs which I have to work so hard to avoid. I will not have any more this week!

    It was a very nice weekend. Leslie and I spend at least an hour on the phone every day, but there are some things that are just easier to talk about (or at least to go into detail about) in person. It has gone both ways, and we have both had things to talk about. We also spent an hour on the patio yesterday smoking a very fine cigar, and I read her my favourite Rudyard Kipling poem from a book of his that I purchased a couple of weeks ago… printed in 1899. The book is delicate, but how much more romantic can it be than to read poetry to your beloved… even if it is a poem about having to choose between a woman and cigars.

    I am working this evening, and Leslie is working during the day. She plans to audit my class tonight, which will be fun. She has heard me present to an audience before, but she has never actually seen me teach. Also, it has been a year since I last had an in-person audience! While she works, I will be sitting on the balcony smoking – it is a beautiful day, the first in a series of days that will be unseasonably warm. Tomorrow afternoon Lyle will come for a cigar or two, which will be nice. Of course, Dorothy is always invited, but she works during the days, so that won’t work out. Hopefully Leslie will have enough of a break between meetings to join us for a bit.

    My goddaughter’s birthday party was supposed to be next Saturday, but her mom messaged me yesterday telling me it is postponed by a week. She (the mom) tested positive for Covid-19 and is isolating for two weeks. I am sending her positive vibes for a full and speedy recovery.

    After a couple of hours of distractions, I am on my way to finish my day. My friend the cleaning lady is here, Leslie is working, I have had a salmon salad for lunch. I do not have to teach for another five hours, and I am going to choose a fine cigar and sit out on the balcony for a few hours.

    Have a great day!

  • Fast Food: A Treat, Not a Lifestyle.

    For all of the blame I put on my parents for the psychological damage that led to my obesity, there were some things that they did right. Fast food (whether it was McDonalds or Wendy’s or Harvey’s) was always a rare treat, not a regular occurrence. I have fond memories of my father taking us to Harvey’s for a hamburger and French fries and a Coke. He enjoyed it as much as we did, but it was an occasional weekend treat. Even when we were on vacation, we would eat at (slightly) healthier restaurants.

    Paper routes aside, my first job was working at a computer store called Montreal Data Products, on Mackay Street above St. Catherine Street. It was during that era that I started to go to McDonalds on my own, with my own money. I went a lot. I guess it was when I had my own disposable income (and not just my allowance) that I was able to do so, giving little heed to whether or not it was a good idea.

    I do not remember if I ever told my parents that I was doing this, but I do know that had they told me it was a bad idea it would have encouraged me to go more. Remember the psychological trauma I experienced at the hands (both figurative and literal) of my mother? By the time I was fourteen (which is when I started working) I was rebelling. I remember the last time my mother raised a hand to me, I raised mine back at her. I was done doing as I was told for fear of being hit. Unfortunately, there are no good lessons to tell a fourteen-year-old boy making that transition how to differentiate between what is good for you and what is not.

    When I was living in Tel Aviv, I worked at a t-shirt and army supply store in Tel Aviv that catered to tourists, and right downstairs from our store (in Dizengoff Centre) was a McDonalds, and I ate there more than occasionally, switching it out for a few other fast-food restaurants in the area. Eventually, a Thai sandwich shop opened down the block, and they made a spectacular chicken sandwich which may not have been truly healthy but was certainly much more so than. McDonalds.

    I spent a couple of years eating kosher, so most fast-food restaurants were off limits. Toward the end of my military service, probably the last two or three months, I started to hitch a ride down from my post in the Golan Heights to a bus station which had a McDonalds in it, and I probably did this 2-3 nights per week. By this time, I had grown to hate Army food, and while there were other options, not many of them were as convenient. There was also a girl I was flirting with who worked at the army supplies store next door, so that probably played a part to my frequency there.

    My return to civilian life and Canada made much more and much more unhealthy fast foods so readily available. I always preferred either a Montreal smoked meat sandwich with French fries or a large plate of Buffalo wings over a burger… not to mention that the pizza in Montreal is absolutely incredible.

    If you want to know how I came to be disgustingly fat, here is your answer. I love a good steak, and I do not need or want any sauce on it, which means it is healthy. I don’t need a giant baked potato next to it. All of this to say that a good steak dinner is not entirely fattening… assuming that whatever negative health effects that may bring on, it is still healthier than any of the fast foods that I mentioned. I became fat off of fast food and an overabundance of junk food snacks, ranging from chips to chocolates to gummies and G-d knows what else.

    Is fast food evil? Of course not. Should it be part of your healthy diet? No. As with everything else in life, it is fine… in moderation. If someone makes fast food (all of them are terribly unhealthy, but some are worse than others) an occasional treat with an otherwise healthy diet, they will not balloon up to 300+ pounds. If, on the other hand, the fast food becomes your daily routine, then you are going to pay for it in the end. Weight gain is not the only ill-effect either. Expect to see your cholesterol raised and your blood pressure and all manner of other body measurements that your doctor tracks.

    One of the problems with fast foods is that not only are they tasty, but they can also be addictive. Aside from the salt (which is certainly a substance that our body craves), most fast foods contain myriad other chemicals, and once we are used to them, our body craves them. Additionally, the large chains spend billions of dollars on feeding those cravings. McDonalds’ colour scheme is not what it is because Ray Kroc loved orange and yellow and red; they have scientific findings that prove that these colours make you hungry and lower your inhibitions which might allow you to order the extra-large fries or the ten-piece nuggets instead of the six-piece nuggets.

    The fast food industry chains (not only McDonalds… all of the chains) have marketing budgets that could cure hunger in the third world, and they spend that money every year reminding you that you deserve a break today, or you can have it your way, or they will deliver in 30-minutes or it’s free, or they have the meats, or whatever the ad campaign might be to get you through their doors, or dialing their numbers. Of course, if you deserved a break yesterday, don’t you deserve one today too?

    If you find yourself eating more fast food than you did when you were younger, these are just some of the reasons.

    The goal of my weight loss routine is not only to lose the weight, but also to get healthier, and to change my eating habits. I know that I need to change my unhealthy relationship with food. This is going to mean, when I am off the extreme program, that I will be cooking for myself most days, with the occasional restaurant indulgence. More often than not, that restaurant indulgence should still be something healthier. You can eat healthy at a Chinese restaurant, but most of the foods that I like there are wok fried and battered in sauce, which means they are poor choices. Sushi, on the other hand, is a much healthier choice. I believe that when you look at a piece of food and you can easily identify all of the individual ingredients by sight then you are likely eating something healthier than something that is unrecognizable.

    Does this mean that I will never eat fast food again? Probably not. I am sure that there will be times when I am on the road, when I know that I have been eating well and exercising and staying in shape when I might allow myself to indulge. With that said, it has to be a treat, and never a lifestyle.

    I confess I have never watched that movie about the guy who only ate McDonalds for a year. I do not know what the outcome was, and I do not particularly care. All of our bodies are different, and I know that eating fast foods (what my grandfather would have referred to as dreck) is bad for me and will cause me to return to my previous (current, but hopefully soon it will be previous!) morbidly obese size. I do not want that. I also do not want my doctor to ever have to tell me ‘Okay, now that you have had a heart attack, this is how you have to start eating.’

    Conclusion

    The occasional hamburger and fries will not cause morbid obesity. In fact, it is relatively simple to make a hamburger and French fries healthy, or at least less fattening. The burger and fries that I would make at home would almost certainly be tastier and would most certainly be healthier than anything I get from a fast-food burger joint. However, it is not only the food that is addictive, but also the convenience that draws us. We live in a hustle and bustle world of in which two-parent families have two parents in the workforce, and so many single parents have to struggle to fit everything into the day, and the time spent shopping, preparing, cooking, and then cleaning for and after a meal can be cut into a fraction by ordering in or taking out. Single people know that it is no fun preparing food for one, and the convenience of take-out is a draw… especially when you do not even have to get out of your car to grab dinner on the way home.

    While the convenience is a draw, we have to consider the negative health effects (both short term and long term) of these unhealthy food choices. When we do, hopefully we will make them far less frequently than we do today… and just maybe the chains who spend billions to lure you in through their doors will have less money to spend on marketing.

  • Day 20

    My cheats yesterday included the last of the almonds, and a bit of cheese. I had two bits of cheese in the fridge when the diet started, and I realized that while one of them was sealed and new, the other was not sealed at all, and had grown moldy. I decided to cut away the mold and what was left was about an ounce of aged sharp cheddar. I enjoyed it, after paying the Cheese Tax to Princess Sophie.

    Speaking with Leslie last night, I decided that this morning I would go into my closet and try to find a button-down shirt that might fit. I have several that were candidates, but different companies cut their 3XL shirts differently. The first, a branded Microsoft Server shirt, did not fit. I decided on a shirt that has a cute pattern but does not have the vibrant colours that it did when it was new. I am expert at many things, but laundry is not one of them.

    Today is my appointment with my family doctor, and I plan to discuss my weight loss program and progress with him. In two or three weeks I will be able to get onto his scale to get an accurate reading, but I am reasonably sure that today I still weigh more than the maximum capacity. I am embarrassed by that, but optimistic for the day when that will no longer be true. I know that day is not far off. I plan to ask him to see me every few weeks to check in. While he is not a bariatric or weight-management doctor, he is willing to see me in person, and he has known me personally for many years. I am going to try for a semi-weekly cadence… for my American readers, no there will be absolutely no cost to me for these visits. (For my Canadian readers, who as fellow taxpayers are subsidizing these visits, remember that these visits are an investment in my weight loss, and it is in the service of not needing much more expensive treatment at a later date.)

    I was speaking with my friend/cleaning lady yesterday. She has also had weight struggles for much of her life, and she was telling me about a class she had taken – really weight management support groups – in which she was the only one who was there to get help losing weight. Most of the people there were either anorexic or bulimic or whatever and were trying to learn to eat properly to gain weight. This is not a problem that I have ever had to contend with, but it is important to remember that if there are extremes on one side then there are extremes on the other.

    (I should mention that if ever I thought that I was in the extreme overweight category then a simple trip to most any WalMart store in the US will remind me how wrong I am… but that does not mean that I should not work my tail off to lose the weight.)

    —

    I am back from speaking with my doctor, and we have come up with a visit schedule. I will go every two weeks, alternating between just seeing the nurse to get weighed, and actually seeing him. He knows that accountability is a huge help for my weight-loss and is going to support me completely. We broached the subject of a weight management clinic that I used to be a patient at. While they were good at what they did (education and accountability), they are currently not doing in-person visits, only telemedicine. Add to that the fact that unlike my family physician, you seldom saw the same doctor at that clinic, and I do not feel that marking numbers on a chart makes me accountable. He (my doctor) has been my doctor for fifteen years, and there is a personal connection which helps; I cannot pull the wool over his eyes, and he cares about me as a person, rather than as a generic patient file.

    A buddy is coming for a cigar this afternoon, and I look forward to shooting the breeze with him. He is one of my closer friends and sitting on the patio with him is always enjoyable. He has some errands to run first, so I will likely get a head start after my 1:30pm bowl of soup.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 13

    At 11:55pm I posted on my weight loss blog that I had cheated. Over the course of the day, I ate two or three (measured) handfuls of almonds, and that I felt bad about it. Not because I was worried that 30 almonds were going to ruin my diet, rather that the break in the routine – and breaking the disciplined regimen of not veering from the plan – might. I promised myself that I would not cheat today… at all.

    There are not many things that I really dislike about my apartment in Burlington. Yes, it is smaller than I would like; were I going into an office to work every day it would be fine, but working from home, I do wish I had a second closed-off room to make an office of. That is one of the reasons why my apartment in California truly was perfect. My bedroom was at one end of the apartment, my office was at the other (adjacent to the living room, which was even further from my bedroom). These were separated by the bathroom and the kitchen, and the way the building was laid out made it so that each room had a window to one side or the other of the building. The leasing agent told me I was lucky, that it was the only layout in the entire complex that had two rooms that did not share a wall. That mattered less to me because I lived alone with Princess Sophie but would have made a big difference to a family with children. I miss that apartment.

    The number one feature of my current apartment that irks me is the floors. Both the realtor and later the owner of the apartment told me at the beginning that there are issues with the floor, and when walking barefoot you can tell that there are some places where it is uneven. I don’t much care about that. What really bothers me is that in the bathroom, I can place the bathroom scale in one spot and get what I thought was an accurate reading… and then I can move it six inches, and the reading is a full 4 lbs different. Yes, throughout the course of the day, your body weight will fluctuate… but not in 2-3 minutes. That is caused by an unsteadiness in the floor. I suppose that for the time being, my actual weight from day-to-day and week-to-week matters less than the downward trend of it. If we can assume that from spot to spot may be inconsistent, but the same spot will be consistent, then what I am going to have to do is to figure out a way to place the scale in the exact same spot every day. What I might do is paint two lines – one from each wall – that I can align the sides to. I don’t know… I’ll figure something out.

    Aside from the almonds, yesterday was mostly a good day. Earlier in the day I was not good about drinking water, although by the time I went to bed I had finished two of my 74 oz bottles worth. Rather than drink it all starting in the late afternoon, I really should make sure to start earlier in the day and spread the positive effects of it out over the course of the day.

    (Directly after writing that last paragraph I went to the kitchen, got my water bottle, and took a giant gulp from it. It is not my first water of the day but having the bottle at my desk will be a constant reminder to drink… and I will!)

    Previously, I have been a patient of two bariatric clinics in Ontario, Canada. The first in Hamilton, the second in Ottawa. Yesterday I called both of them to see if I could get a prescription for the medically supervised meal-replacements that I want to use, and both said no. It has been too long, and I would need to see a doctor. Additionally, because the Province of Ontario will not cover someone going through the program twice, I would have to do it with a private clinic. I am not sure if I want to go that route, or if I want to continue to buy the product on the second-hand market. After all, they are not drugs, so it makes very little sense that one would need a prescription to buy them. In the meantime, I have made an appointment to see my doctor for next week. I don’t suppose it would hurt to get a referral to the clinic, if that is the way I do decide to go.

    When I was at my friends’ house over the weekend, I noticed next to the sink a bottle of keto-strips, and I was curious. I did not know that there was a product that you could buy that would let you know if your body was in ketosis or not. I briefly considered buying some – I even looked at them on Amazon when I got home. I then decided against it, simply because as long as I am losing weight, I am on track… aside from it not mattering if I am in ketosis or not, I think my energy levels (and consistent weight loss) are proof enough that I am where I need to be. If I was on the program for specific health reasons (other than morbid obesity), then it would be a different story. For the time being, I have decided that I do not need to pee on a stick to know what’s going on.

    I have just a little bit of work to do during the day, and then in the afternoon a friend is coming over for a cigar. I am teaching in the evening, but that does not get started until 6:00pm. It is good to have a schedule, and I am not meandering through the day aimlessly, giving myself more opportunity to cheat. Today will be a good diet day!

  • Day 12

    In my previous journal I wrote that on Day 12 I was starting to feel a real difference in how I walk. Yes, it is less than two weeks into the diet, and I have shed nearly twenty pounds. I feel the difference in my pace, and the ease with which I am able to get there and back (wherever there might be). When I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning the mercury read -12°C, which believe it or not is a lot nicer than it has been. We walked to the park and back, meeting a golden retriever friend who was a lot of fun.

    There is a rather unpleasant task that doggie daddies do that has become easier these last two weeks, and I am not sure if it is solely because of the weight, or possibly also because my ankle and knee have healed better. Kneeling down to collect her poop is much easier than it was. I am sure it will get easier still, as the amount of weight my knees have to support drops.

    Something else that I discussed in my previous journal was that I did not want people to know about my weight loss program, and that I was furious that after I confided in a friend about it, he then told his seventeen-year-old daughter… who then tried to grill me about it. He proved to me a few months later that he was not at all a friend, or at least not in the way that I need my friends to be. Days 11 & 12 were both foreshadowing the ends of relationships, but neither had anything to do with my weight loss. It is so difficult to make friends in Southern California, because so many of the people there are fake and will use you for what they need, and then throw you away. I was blessed, after I moved from Glendale to Westlake Village, to meet a group of friends who have proven time and again their sincerity. They will always be my true friends.

    Yesterday turned into a very productive day, even though I had originally said it was going to be a lazy day at home. The at-home part was true, but I got through a major task that I have discussed before. I never realized just how many clothes I own, and I am a little embarrassed by it. With Leslie on video chat, I folded and sorted all of my clothes. Yes, the other day I did that with my pants. One plastic storage container worth of them. Big deal. I was utterly amazed by how many shirts I own… and with only two exceptions, the two large containers worth were all golf shirts and t-shirts. In the end, I decided to change the system. I now have five storage bins in the corner of my bedroom with the following labels:

    • XXL Shirts & T-Shirts
    • Pants Sizes 40-42
    • XL Shirts & T-Shirts, Pants Sizes 36-40
    • Suits, etc…
    • Taekwondo – doboks & non-current belts

    That last container is large, filled to the hilt, and much more accurately labeled than that. Having been, over the years, affiliated with three different clubs (in the GTA, in Ottawa, and in California), I have several uniforms with different branding, plus my two pre-Black Belt uniforms. I also have a number of pair of training pants that I would wear under the more-important uniform top and belt. I am hoping that when I drop another 30 lbs I will be comfortable enough to start training again. While I live less than 2 km from the club I used to be affiliated with, owing to the change in management (GrandMaster retired) I will likely reach out to friends who opened a club in the same style. We’ll see.

    Considering that I am not a fashion guy, the fact that I have four storage containers filled with clothes, not having actually touched my closet, is amazing to me. It is not that I need this vast array of clothes; it is simply that over the years there have been three distinct sizes of Mitch, ranging from extra-fat (where I am now), to slimmest-ever (where I have been twice, once in August-October 2017, and again from July-November 2020). Judging from the volume of shirts, I guess most of that time was spent in the middle – the XXL shirts and t-shirts piles were far larger than the other two. This is good in the short term, because in a month I hope to fall into that bracket and will spend a couple of months there.

    While I wish I had not benefitted from doing so, I wish I had not kept all of my fattest clothes. It was not my intention to. In August 2020 I emptied my closet and drawers of everything that was ‘fat Mitch’ – the XXL and XXXL shirts and the Size 42-46 pants – and put them into a bag to donate. That bag sat in the trunk of my car for a couple of months behind my golf clubs and was only taken out (into my apartment) because I was driving a couple of friends to the golf course, and we needed room for their clubs. The bag then sat in a closet for months, until my friends who were emptying my apartment in California and shipping all of my stuff to me shipped the fattest clothes. Had they not, I would have had to buy a lot newer clothes than I did. I have no problem spending money on thinner-me clothes. I loathe wasting money on clothes that I want to shrink out of and never fit into again.

    I my first weight loss program cheat yesterday… albeit a minor one. In the early evening I prepared a bowl of soup, and while I was putting it on the table, my hand slipped, and I spilled half the bowl. I decided to replace the lost protein and calories with a handful of almonds. While I did not gorge myself on them, I do think that the handful that I took was much more than what I had spilled and would likely have been the equivalent of an entire meal replacement, if not a touch more. I was glad as I prepared for bed hours later that I was not overly hungry and made the conscious decision to skip my last meal replacement bar of the day.

    I want to mention that as I sit here typing I can feel my knees. They are not in pain; they just feel like I have been exercising. In other words, they feel like they carry around far too much weight and will be much better off once I am at my goal weight. That might be many months away, but every pound that I shed is a pound that they do not have to carry. I expect that they will continue to feel better as I succeed with my weight loss.

  • Temptations and Cravings

    I am just back from going to pick up a haul of meal replacements (regrettably all shakes). I now have some 185 meal replacements more than I did an hour ago, which will be split between me and my diet buddy. They are irrelevant to the point of this piece.

    Driving to where I was meeting the person, I passed a fast-food chicken restaurant that I have often craved. I looked at it for a very quick second and then said, ‘not today.’ I considered it a minor victory.

    Here’s the problem: A few weeks ago, I picked up a meal from this very same restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, it still tastes good… but it was greasy, both the French fries and the salads were terrible, and within an hour of a reasonably sized meal I was… well, if not actually sick, then maybe sick adjacent. I was nauseous for sure. Although I had enough chicken and salads left over for another meal, I wrapped it all up and walked it to the garbage room. Within fifteen seconds of seeing the sign, I remembered this very recent event, and was glad the craving passed.

    Driving home, I passed by another outlet (same chain, different store). For a brief moment, I had those same cravings. Their special recipe of herbs and spices (still not naming the restaurant) is not only tasty, but it has also been carved into my aware for so many years.

    Shortly after I moved to Israel, I was living in Rishon LeZion and working in Holon. At the end of the day, I would take an Eged bus home, and it would drive right by the mall (which I believe was called Canyon Zahav, or Golden Shopping Centre). One day while driving by I noticed a sign that read (in Hebrew): NOW OPEN! <The southern fried chicken restaurant>. On many occasions I would get off the bus, pick up a bucket, and dinner was served. I would then get back on the bus for the remainder of the ride home. This was certainly inconvenient… but I loved the food so much!

    I was reminded again just a few weeks ago that I do not love the food anymore… and even if I did, it certainly does not love me. So why is it that as I pass it by, I cannot help but think – even fleetingly, before my rational mind kicks in – how nice it would be to stop in for lunch.

    The same goes for fast food hamburgers. I love a good burger, but between stopping at either McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Harvey’s or A&W (trying to name as many as I can so that I do not appear to be focusing on any one chain), or stopping at the grocery store and picking up some ground beef and vegetables and buns to make my own burger… the burger that I make will be far superior to all of these (not to mention healthier). Then why is it that when I see the arches or the redhead my mouth starts to water?

    I suspect the answer to this question is twofold:

    1. Between the billions of dollars that these chains have spent on marketing over the years, and the fact that I really like the food (or at least I once did), it is not unreasonable that when I see them my initial thought is longing, rather than disgust.

    2. None of these restaurant chains came up with their menu, image, and branding in a vacuum. They hired experts – including scientists who have done studies on what colours make people hungry, and what sounds and smells make them lower their food-related inhibitions.

    3. Many of the ingredients in the foods they serve actually are addictive. I’m not saying that any of them put cocaine or nicotine into their foods… but salt and sugar are addictive.

    When I have reached the end of my weight loss journey, I will have to remember that it is only the beginning. I remember when I earned my first Black Belt, my Master congratulated me and told me, ‘Now you can start learning martial arts.’ The belt was not the goal; it was a small stop on what would be a lifelong journey. When I reach a weight where I am happy with myself, I will no longer be replacing food with meal replacements… but I will still be on a lifelong journey, and every day for the rest of my life I will have to weigh the consequences of everything that I put into my mouth.

    They say that learning a new language is much easier if you do it as a child. I suspect that learning good nutrition is easier as a child too, and I wish I had learned it. By now it would be second nature, and not something I have to consciously think of every day.

  • Day 9

    As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

    I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

    Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

    Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

    I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

    I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

    I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

    So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

    Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

    Time to hit the road… Have a great day!