Losing a part of me

Category: Meal Replacements

  • Day 10

    I will spare you the ‘what I read in my previous journal’ wisdom today… the entry is not long or impressive, nor in any way insightful.

    I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleased with the number. When you are on an extreme plan such as this one, there are going to be days with multi-pound losses… especially at the beginning. Today’s drop was about 3.4 lbs, which is good… except that I still do not trust the scale because of the lack of stable integrity of the floor on which it sits. The first place I had placed it showed me down over fifteen pounds (from yesterday, not overall), which while impressive is not realistic. There are people who like to just hear good no matter the voracity of the statement. I refer to that as ‘blowing sunshine up my bum.’ I would rather have the real skinny (pun intended as an afterthought) rather than the fake pipe dreams.

    Last night, my girlfriend and I (she beams every time I call her out) spent some time sorting my pants by size. In the end, I had four buckets: Size 44+ (current), Size 42, Size 40, and Size 38/36. I placed each into a clearly marked bag, and then placed all of the ‘not yet’ size bags into a plastic storage bin. The ‘current’ sizes went into my armoire. I should mention that I denote it as 44+ because there are a couple of pair of Size 46 that I suspect are cut quite small and might actually fit for a few weeks. I will try them on this morning to see. If they are too large, they will go into a new group I hope to create and grow soon: the ‘these are too big for me’ sizes. Sometime over the next few days, we will go through the same process with my shirts, which will need to be broken down into more categories (long sleeve, short sleeve, collar vs. no collar, etcetera). Knowing now that she has a little something for men’s’ clothing, it will not be too hard to convince her to help!

    Fitness is going to play a big part in my weight management strategy, and it is odd that I have not made any mention of it yet. By Day 10 in previous journals, I had discussed long walks I had gone on, or plans to make use of my gym membership. Because of the pandemic the gyms are currently closed (or extremely limited). With the windchill it is currently -28°C outside, and because of a recent injury I am walking on a bad leg. I call this all out because I want to be clear that I will start walking soon. Yes, I am taking Princess Sophie out for her walks, but at these temperatures she does not want to go very far either. I will wear my fitness watch… but I have not been wearing it religiously these last few weeks.

    What I will say regarding my fitness watch, which I have put on a few times, is that the band is much larger on me than it was. No, it has not stretched; my wrist has shrunk noticeably with the diet. Woohoo!

    My plans for today are the busiest I’ll have had since the diet started: this morning my diet buddy came by to pick up her share of the product I picked up yesterday. It was the first time we had met, which is cool because it feels like we know each other so well. Princess Sophie is always excited when someone she has never met before greets her by name… it reminds her that she is famous, if only ‘Internet Famous.’

    In a couple of hours, I will drive out to Strathroy, which is a two-hour drive from here. I have a godson (Douglas) and a goddaughter (Cynthia) who live out there (with their parents, of course) and I have not seen them since Canadian Thanksgiving. I was supposed to go there for Christmas, but they were all sick. I was supposed to go there a few weeks ago, but there was a potential Covid exposure, and the mom had to quarantine. Today, everyone is healthy, and it will be great to see them all again. Amanda will be disappointed that I told her not to prepare food for me because of my diet… she knows that I love her cooking, and that is one of the ways she shows she loves her people. I will not discuss the Thanksgiving turkey dinner that she prepared… but it was out of this world! I am thrilled that I will be able to see my friends… who really are family! (Cheat note: If you have a friend that you want to be able to legitimately call family, make them the godfather (or godmother) to one or all of your children!)

    If there was going to be a dinner involved, I would likely have stayed there all evening… but as there is not, I will take my leave around 5:30pm, and drive to Cambridge to see another friend. He is a good buddy who has had some difficult times with anxiety over the last few months, and I like to check in on him every few weeks. Usually, it is as his place of work (which is much closer to home than Cambridge), but this is not only en-route, but he also has a heated garage/man cave/cigar lounge. It was he and his buddy (another friend of mine) who helped to bring my new humidor from the previous owner’s house (yes, my humidor is that big that it took two men with a pickup truck to transport) a few weeks ago. While I did gift them each a handful of cigars for their efforts, it was too cold to smoke here, so we will enjoy a cigar together this evening (one of mine, I promise) to thank them once again for their efforts.

    All in all, today will involve at least four hours of driving, in addition to several hours at friends’ houses who will all a) try to feed me, and b) have food out and about for everyone else, as I am the only one on this crazy diet. I will have to make it my primary mission to redouble my willpower, and to not succumb to any temptations. What I might do, when driving from Strathroy to Cambridge, is to try to find an all-beef sausage somewhere… or better yet, just a package of almonds. I will only do this if I really feel my resolve weakening. Hopefully, I will be able to get through it all without veering from the program. Just in case, I will take an extra meal replacement bar with me… which truly would be the best possible way to address the need to ‘cheat.’

    In summary, today cannot help but to be a great day for friends and stuff… but for it to be a great (and successful) diet day will depend entirely on me, and my willpower. As with so many things in life, today will be what I make of it.

  • Day 9

    As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

    I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

    Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

    Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

    I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

    I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

    I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

    So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

    Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

    Time to hit the road… Have a great day!

  • Meal Replacements, and ‘The Program’

    I have gone out of my way to not name the program that I am following for several reasons. My blog and my journal are not meant to be an endorsement of one particular product; rather, they are intended to share with others who might be going through a similar experience, possibly on a different program, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Studies have shown that people going through a similar journey are likely to experience similar emotions and thoughts, and hopefully this journal might help someone.

    With that said, the program that I am on has two variations. In Canada, you are provided with four (4) meal replacement shakes per day. Each one is 225 calories and is meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs… and no more. Nine Hundred (900) Calories per day. In the United States, you are provided with five (5) meal replacements per day, which can be either shakes, soups, or protein bars. Each one is 160 calories and is also meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs, and no more. Eight Hundred (800) Calories per day.

    I have never been clear on why there is a difference, but I am sure it has to do with regulations at the FDA versus the Canadian version of the FDA. I have successfully done the program twice… once in Canada, and once in the USA. Yes, after the program was done, I fell off the wagon, but that’s not the point. Both programs can work.

    In 2017 as I started the program the first time, I was nervous that the shakes-only diet would be untenable. How wrong I was! It did not take long for me to become quite happy with them, to the point that at one point during the program I spent a week on an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, and I was not tempted to break my diet once.

    In 2019 as I embarked upon the program the second time, my doctor in California told me that the program had much better variety – not only were there strawberry shakes (in addition to the chocolate and vanilla that Canada had) – there were also three varieties of soups, and three variety of protein bars. I told him point-blank that I was not interested. I learned in the Army that the best way to ensure someone makes the right choice is to give him little or no choice. I had made it through twelve weeks of the program on only chocolate shakes once, and I was going to try to do the same again.

    It was only when the doctor’s office did not have any of the chocolate shakes in stock that I had to branch out and try the other products. I was glad that I did. It was easy to create a regimen where I had a shake for breakfast, a soup for lunch, a bar for the afternoon and evening snacks, and a soup for dinner. That routine worked very well for me.

    I stopped the program at a certain point, but I still had several cases of the meal replacements left. When I relocated back to Canada, they came with me. They sat on a shelf in the pantry for several months, but they were here. When I decided to start the program again (Thanks Julie!) I did not have to go looking for them, I knew exactly where they were. I had about a three-week supply… still on the American (800 calories) program. I have bars and soups… and yes, I have shakes too.

    In two weeks, I will be out of the American product, and I will be forced to resume using the Canadian product. I am not at all concerned with the jump from 800 to 900 calories. I suspect that it will be a very long time before my body stops losing weight consuming under 1500 calories per day… let alone 900. What concerns me is that I grew used to the variety of the meal replacements, knowing that if I was tempted by someone eating a chocolate bar that I too could grab a chocolate bar… even though it was not the same sugary snack as his, it was still good enough, within the confines of the program.

    It is funny that I am having the exact opposite fear now as I did in 2019. Back then, I was afraid that if I did not stick to the shakes, I would succumb to the temptation. Today I am afraid that if I am limited to only having the shakes, I might succumb to the temptation.

    How things change!

    This afternoon, Julie and I are meeting with a woman who purchased all of her shakes and then decided this program is not for her, and so she is selling them. We are buying for sure. I just wish she was selling the bars and even the soups as well. No such luck.

    I might end up ordering some of the bars from the USA. My girlfriend lives in Dallas, and she has offered to let me ship them to her, and then she can send them to me. I am seriously considering it. Maybe not the soups, maybe just a case of the protein bars. The size of the case of six boxes of the soups is much larger, heavier, and more expensive to ship than the bars. I don’t know… I’ll decide today.

    I might just give it a go, two weeks from now, without the bars or soups, and see how well I manage.

    I will say this… if I feel that I am going to falter, I am going to find a way to get those bars and/or those soups, despite the fact that the American prices seem to be much higher than the Canadian ones. I think my success on the program is worth the cost.