Losing a part of me

Category: Meal Replacements

  • Day 1270

    As I had the previous day, I stuck to my program religiously yesterday… with the (again) pinch of grated cheese that I nibbled as I was giving Princess Sophie hers. In fact, owing to a weird schedule and a possibly failing memory, it is possible that I ingested even less than I am supposed to – I might have only had three meal replacements rather than the four that are medically recommended. I have made a note to try to do better both with remembering and with the consistency of timing so that I make sure I do get all of the vitamins and nutrients that I need to be healthy.

    In addition to those, I had my coffee (as usual) and, as I was sitting on the balcony studying (and because it was 36° and sunny) I decided to pour myself a cold iced tea. I sweetened it with aspartame rather than the raw sugar that I use for my coffee, and I do not think that would be considered a cheat.

    I also drank my water. Folks, it is much easier to remember to drink copious amounts of water when the weather is scorching than it is in the winter. I am easily going through at least four litres of water a day, and probably more than that.

    Remember my plan from yesterday morning? I had gotten up to pee however many times the previous night, and so I was going to try to make a note to stop drinking after 8pm? That did not happen… I studied on the balcony until nearly 9:30pm, and then sat there watching TV on my iPad. It was still hot, so I kept drinking water to stay hydrated. When I went into the house to get ready for bed I counted the empty water bottles next to the sink… between the time I finished my evening meal replacement (around 7:30pm) and the time I went to bed I drank a little over 1.5l (54oz) of water. The result? I peed three times between coming into the house and going to sleep, and I got up from sleep another four times. Will I never learn?

    Despite that, my sleep was much better than the previous night. My sleep score was 79, up from 58. I’ll take it.

    Yesterday afternoon I was asked by a couple of friends to go out to a bar for the evening. I politely declined, telling them that I need to study… and in fact that is what I did. What I did not tell them is that I was on Day 3 of my program and I was not ready to spend a night at a bar surrounded by all of the temptations of food and drink. It is much easier for me to keep my resolve if I stay home alone.

    Today is Day 4, and I am remembering some of what I was going through on Day 4 on my previous attempts. It has now been two days since my last bowel movement, and so I added fibre to my meal replacement this morning. I was very sluggish on Day 1 & 2, but I think that is behind me. I remember that I was very cold from within, owing to the sheer volume of water I was drinking. Wouldn’t it be nice for that to happen while it is this hot? It hasn’t kicked in yet if it is going to… I’ll keep waiting.

    My weight has dropped drastically these last three days but that is not unusual for the first few days of the program. Wouldn’t it be nice to see that trend continue? It is unlikely. Yes, if I stick to the program, then my weight will continue to drop… but not at the tremendous rate it has fallen these three days. As it is, I have already dropped all of the weight that I gained this last month.

    This year has been a dumpster fire for so many reasons. My weight dipped below ‘that horrible mark’ only one day this year – back in January. Since then it has skyrocketed and I do not even want to say how bad it got. Suffice it to say, I want to get back below that horrible mark, and if I can do so by the end of September then I will be a happy man. No, that is not entirely true… I will be a relieved man. I will only be truly happy when I have lost every single pound that I gained back since falling off the wagon two years ago.

    Is it a coincidence that I fell off the wagon when my heart was shattered in November of 2023, and then again when it was shattered in April of 2025? I doubt it. I am the only one to blame, but it does not take a genius to recognize that the actions of others is the root cause of these falls.

    A good friend of mine has been asking for help with his computer for a couple of months, but every time we have scheduled to meet he has been called away for work at the last minute. As of this minute he is supposed to come after work today, and unless there is an incident that necessitates his working overtime then I will see him then. He is one of my friends who has gone through the medically supervised program that I did, so he will understand that no, I will not let him take me out to dinner as a thank-you, but we will be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar to chat and catch up. It will be great to talk with him because he knows what I am going through and if he cannot advise me then he can at least listen with a sympathetic ear.

    Other than the visit from my buddy, my plan is to once again study until I cannot read the words on the page for one more minute. My exam is scheduled for precisely 49.75 hours from this minute as I type, and I am nowhere near confident that I will pass. I will do everything in my power to do so, and if nothing else I will walk into the exam room confident that I have done all that I can to prepare.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1269

    I made it through Day 2 of the program mostly unscathed. As much as I hate myself and my weight gains these last eighteen months (and especially the last three), I know that I have to force myself to stay on track because the only way that I will ever not hate myself is to force myself to lose the weight. I suppose I should clarify that it is the only way that I will not hate my body… there is so much more going on that it is hard to think that this alone will solve my ills.

    Did I stay true to the program yesterday? Yes I did… with one very minor cheat (which I repeated this morning). Princess Sophie has me trained to sprinkle some shredded cheese on her food in the morning, and when I did I took a very small bit for myself. I cannot see the harm in that… at least not if it is my only aberration from the program. Other than that, I had four meal replacement shakes, most of a pot of coffee (with a very small bit of milk and sugar), and a metric fuckload of water. It is no wonder I slept worse last night than the previous… I was up to pee four times! While I will try to drink as much water today as I did yesterday, I will try to be smarter and drink less of it after 8pm.

    While I will not be discussing hard numbers for a while, I am happy that after two days I am down 8.5 lbs from what I weighed Thursday morning, which was my heaviest weight in something like three years. There are so many reasons why, but the end result is that I hated myself more that morning than at any point in a long time… as pertains to my body. The rest of my mental crap? That’s another story.

    Aside from catching up with an old friend and colleague via video chat this afternoon, my plan is to spend most of the day studying. My exam is in three days and I am still not confident that I am ready for it. I am going to do my best though.

    I am also going to do my best to stay true to the program today.

  • Day 1267 – Afternoon

    I was afraid this was going to happen. I had my meal replacement shake at lunchtime as I was planning to, and I have been drinking water. Right after lunch I realized I had a headache so I took a couple of Aspirin. They didn’t help. Why? My headache – and now my sluggishness – are my body telling me that I am hungry. I have two hours to go until the end of class and I will be able to rest, but I am not happy with how I am feeling. I hope this only lasts a couple of days at most because I really need to spend the weekend studying for my CISSP exam which is Tuesday, and I need to be able to focus on it with zero distractions. In the meantime I am sticking to the plan… I will have another meal replacement after class, and another one some time during the evening, and that will be it… aside from a lot of water.

    I was planning on eating my last three eggs tomorrow morning for breakfast (as I did this morning) but I think I am going to give them to a neighbour. I want to get on the program completely… although I suspect there will be an exception for alcoholic beverages.

    I am feeling like shit but that doesn’t matter… I need to lose the weight. I need to get back on track. I need to stop hating myself.

  • Day 1155

    I briefly considered reweighing myself after I had a second (and more productive) bowel movement after Princess Sophie and I came in from our walk. I decided not to simply because I had a large glass of water, and I am trying to stay focused on the downward trend and not the individual plots on the weight loss graph. As such, we weight this morning remained constant with what it was yesterday. Tomorrow morning it will be lower than it is today… as long as I stay true to my program.

    I have been feeling hunger in the afternoon and evening, and am trying to remind myself that there is a difference between actual hunger and my stomach reminding me that I am not giving it as much food as it is accustomed to. I am having a small plate of pasta with olive oil and some cheese at lunch, but in the morning, and then after my class I am only having shakes. I knew yesterday that if I did not prepare a meal replacement shake during my mid-evening break I would likely not have been able to make it through the class, and that would not be good for anyone.

    I know I am impatient and that the weight will continue to come off, but I am really hoping it happens sooner rather than later. I am sick of wearing the one vest that fits me and I am tired of having to select the shirts that are not too tight. I realize that if I am going to continue eating pasta in the afternoon I will not experience extreme drops every day, but I need to make it through this week and next… and the boxes of spaghetti that were in my pantry are not cheating on the no groceries plan. I remember every truism that I have told myself over the last three years and am going to continue to try… and I will get there. Eventually.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1152

    Day One of my renewed efforts saw slight but not total fails. I found myself away from home for longer than I expected, and I bought a bag of potato chips. I was certain that when I weighed myself this morning I would be back up to 212 lbs.; what a relief that my weight was in fact down by a pound from yesterday, making for a total drop since Thursday morning of 4.4 pounds. Considering how disgustingly heavy I was then I am not calling this a resounding success, but at least I know that I am trying to regain my footing and begin to make progress.

    I was sitting with a Lodge brother yesterday and I told him, without going into the details of how, that I decided to drop twenty pounds before the banquet. He told me that he would encourage me and discussed his weight loss goals as well. I was glad that he did not try to discuss his strategy and did not ask me about mine. I really do not feel like discussing my plans for how I will do it but am happy to have the support of people who are encouraging me to do it.

    I also had a lovely video chat with my wife yesterday. It is hard living so far apart, and I am glad that technology allows us to not only talk but to see each other as well. I cannot imagine how much more difficult a long-distance relationship would have been before the era of video chats, let alone reasonable phone calls. I dated a girl when I was in the Army, and she lived in the United States. I cannot imagine how much money we wasted on long-distance calls… before she came to Israel to see me, and we both realized that it was a mistake. My marriage to Leslie is absolutely the right thing, but I am still glad that we do not have to pay thousands of dollars on phone bills!

    I did not sleep very well last night, and it was in large part because of my shoulder which has been bothering me. I spoke with a Lodge brother who is a chiropractor, and he is going to help me out, but first I have to have a day when I can go to his office. That will not be for a couple of weeks yet, and so I am thinking about taking a couple of pain killers in the evening before I go to sleep. I am hoping that helps, but we will see. If not, then I will stop taking them and I will try something else. In the meantime, my sleep score of 63 from last night does not bode well for how this day will go; I will be teaching from 8:30am until 5:00pm, and then from 6:30pm until 10:30pm. It is going to be a very long day… and I have three of those this week, while Tuesday and Thursday I am only teaching the daytime class.

    I said last week that I was hoping the packed schedule would help me with my eating, but it did not… if one can go to the grocery store to buy provisions, one can eat; also, once one is at the grocery store already then it is easy to just buy a couple of things that are counterproductive to weight loss. Knowing that I will not be shopping this week, but will be relying solely on meal replacements, is going to be most helpful. I am still weaning myself off food and will likely have my last plate of pasta for lunch today. Okay, I actually have plenty of pasta in the house, but only one meal worth of pasta sauce, so that should do it. I am giving myself this option because I know that the first few days of the program are extremely difficult, both emotionally and physically, and so if I find myself lagging in class this morning then I will give myself the option. I will not absolutely eat, but if I need it then I shall. I also know that if I do not eat it for lunch, but after a long day of teaching I feel I might need it to make it through the evening of teaching then I will have it between classes. It is a safety net if nothing else.

    So far this morning I am doing well on water and coffee, and I did remember to add fibre to my morning meal replacement. Also, in anticipation of a resounding success getting back onto the program, I have ordered more shakes.

    Wish me luck folks… and have a great day!

  • Day 1151

    One habit I am going to try to get back into, as I embark on this ‘No Groceries’ diet, is writing my journal article first thing in the morning (after my morning rituals, washroom, dog walking, and making coffee and my meal replacement). There have been too many days when I have forgotten, and it is meant to be a way for me to record my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to keep me honest. Not doing so every morning has led to where I ended up… and doing it half-assed is why I have spent most of the last four months hovering between 298 and 313 pounds. It is time for a reset, and I am going to give it my all.

    This morning, following my walk with Her Floofness, I had my first meal replacement shake. Okay, that is a lie; after I finished typing that sentence, I looked to my right and realized that I have taken three sips of it and am actually currently drinking my first meal replacement shake of the new regimen. I have some food that I will make for lunch, but I finished the eggs yesterday and am not going grocery shopping. Today is effectively Day 1 again.

    In the spirit of what I wrote in the first paragraph, I am feeling apprehensive. I do not know if I have the willpower to do it, and while I hope that I do, we all know that hope is not a strategy. I want to be able to fit into every shirt and jacket and suit and tuxedo and vest in my closet, and right now I do not. There is one suit that fits very tightly, and a few shirts that are still comfortable. None of my sports jackets fit, and only one of my vests fits. I have been wearing that vest over the few shirts that fit for every single class I have taught, and I am done with that. By next week I want to be able to wear the largest of my sports jackets. **Okay, I was wrong… kinda. The first of the sports jackets that I had made for me when I was first losing weight fits decently. I forgot about it because I had put it into a bag to donate in Cuba and forgot about it. I have not been back to Cuba for a year, so it has been sitting in my closet. Midway through writing this paragraph I pulled it out, tried it on, and then hung it up in the washroom. I also plugged in my hand steamer. When the steamer is heated up, I will steam the wrinkles out of it and will thus be able to wear it this week. I do not consider that any sort of victory, but at least I can give my vest a break.

    There are a couple of things that I need to remember to do while I am on the program. The first is to drink a lot of water; it is harder to remember to do that during the cold winter months, but as we slide into spring, I hope to be able to remember. The second is that I should be taking fibre. I had the jar of fibre powder on the counter this morning, but I still forgot to mix it into my meal replacement shake. I killed two birds with one stone by mixing a teaspoon of fibre into a glass of water and I downed it. Now I just have to remember to keep with it. Drinking a lot of water is one of the ways my body will flush some of the waste from my body. The fibre is important because as I curb and then cut out solid foods I want my bowels to stay regular. It is bad enough that there will be days when I do not move my bowels successfully; I remember how painful some of those movements can be, and I do not want to relive that!

    I do not know how long I will go. I know that next weekend I am driving to Montreal and do not plan to stick to the program during my four-day trip; the reason for my trip is too stress- and anxiety-ridden for me to even try. The next ‘break’ after that will be the weekend of April 11-12 because of the banquet and subsequent breakfast that I am obligated to attend, followed by that evening (Saturday) being the first Passover seder, and I will try to find one to attend. My hope is that after that I will have a box of matzah which I will enjoy for breakfast, but the rest of my meals will be replacements. I will decide closer to the actual date what I am going to do. This might be a 30-day sprint to drop 20-pounds, or it might turn into another push for my ultimate goal. We will see.

    This afternoon and evening I will be in Grimsby seeing friends, but before that I will be doing some work and having a video date with my wife. Aside from that, I have some work to do to prepare for some upcoming classes. That should be fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1150

    I did not buy groceries yesterday or today, but that is not really saying a lot. When I spoke with my wife yesterday afternoon I discussed my plan with her. Doing that gave me the opportunity to solidify my plan in my own mind. I will continue to eat what is in the house, but as it depletes, I will be replacing meals with protein shakes. That will begin tomorrow morning, as I finished the last of my eggs this morning.

    I do not know if this plan will get me down under the terrible mark before my trip to Montreal, but it will at least be a start. What I am really hoping is that by the time my banquet comes around (in just under four weeks’ time) I will be able to wear either of my tailored suits without worrying that the jacket is too tight. I wore one of them to Lodge Thursday evening and yes, I could have buttoned it… barely. I have four weeks to go from barely to comfortably. Wish me luck.

    I met a few of my Lodge brethren this afternoon for a number of discussions that had to happen. I left both meetings happy to have seen them and satisfied with the outcomes of the conversations.

    Today was also the first day I was able to leave the house without a jacket. Spring is definitely around the corner. Looking at the long-range forecast the high temperatures will be 7°, with the remaining days all hitting double-digits. The nights will still be chilly, with low temperatures ranging from -2° to 4° over the next ten days. Chilly, but improving.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1149

    I am invited to an Orthodox Sabbath dinner this evening and while I am looking forward to the evening and traditions, I wish my weight was in a better place where I would not feel guilty about the foods.

    This morning I printed a one-month calendar that I taped to the inside of my door. It reads (in bit bold letters): NO GROCERIES. I have decided to finish the food that I have on hand, but go back onto protein shakes for much of the next month. Yes, there are going to be times when that will not work – a four-day trip to Montreal starting next Saturday, and then a banquet I am obligated to attend April 11. Other than that, I am easing myself back onto my full extreme program as the food on hand runs out.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1054

    By all rights my weight should have been up this morning, and not down .6 lb. From yesterday morning. But for a very late delivery guy I would have gained two pounds. I was weak, and when Ryan ordered the pizza, I was really looking forward to having a slice… or two. Fortunately, ninety minutes after he ordered them, they had not yet arrived, and I decided to take my leave. I enjoyed a protein bar in the car, and an omelette when I got home. Yes, I ate some peanuts and even a little popcorn throughout the day, and that was bad. Pizza would have been a disaster. 

    Following my dinner, I got onto the treadmill and jogged 5km. It was the third day in a row that I jogged, and the second that I completed 5km. I am quite happy with that and will try to continue to do that. My next goal is to start increasing the speed and distance… although not necessarily at the same time. I did kick up the pace for the last .2km, but that is not the same. I want to increase my maintained speed, rather than just ‘sprinting’ the last few metres. It will not be a quick increase, but if I do it gradually over time then I will be happy with my results. At my current pace of 4mph I would need over 6.5 hours to run a marathon. By increasing my pace to 5mph that would drop to 5.24 hours. I would still not qualify for the Boston Marathon, but I would be thrilled with myself if I could do that. 

    I am teaching today until 4:30pm, and then I have to go to the supermarket to pick up eggs, milk, and one or two other provisions. I will try to be good and not buy any cheats. At 7:00pm I am visiting a lodge in Burlington with a friend. I have never been to this lodge, but it is much closer to me than my own. By all rights that is where I probably should have joined, but I had my friends at my lodge and here we are. It should be a fun evening. I just have to remember to not eat! 

    My current steps-goal streak is nine days. I am not sure when I will be able to get onto the treadmill, but I will do my best to do so either before or after my lodge visit. I would love to extend the streak to ten days. Actually, according to my fitness watch my longest streak is sixteen days, and I would love to be able to beat that… but I am going to do it one day at a time, which means for today extending my current streak to ten days… and then tomorrow will be tomorrow’s problem. 

    I spoke with a buddy yesterday and we decided that later this week (probably Friday) we are going to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY for the day. We both have a few parcels to ship, and as Canada Post is on strike, there is no inexpensive way to ship anything to the USA. Maybe we will make a day of it (and not just run across and back like our last trip), but if we do then I had better plan ahead. To that end, I now have three protein bars in the armrest of my car so that if I do get hungry, I do not have to settle for foods that are incompatible with my weight loss goals. 

    I started this entry at 8:15am. It is now 12:30pm and we broke for lunch. It has been a pretty easy morning – I am teaching a very high-level overview of a technology that I know, and we will not be getting deep into anything. I just finished my afternoon meal replacement shake and so far, I am feeling satisfied. I hope that continues for the next few hours. If I could get through to the end of class before needing another meal replacement, and then when I get home from the Burlington lodge, I can hit the treadmill for 5km and then have my final mean replacement, then I will have succeeded 100% in my goals for the day… which is to say that I will not have cheated, and I will have had the necessary nutrition, and I will meet my steps/exercise goal. That is the plan. 

    We know, of course, that the best laid plans of mice and men do not always work out… but I am going to try. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 1040

    I was a bit surprised to see that my weight was up slightly this morning, but not terribly so. Today I will be eating the last of the chicken that I have in the house, and starting tomorrow I will be eating breakfast and then only meal replacements for the rest of the day. If my knee holds out I will also start walking. In fact, It looks to be a pretty nice day out today (albeit chilly), so I may go for a walk after my appointment.

    I do not know if this is the time that I will start and get all the way to my goal weight, but I am going to try. To that end, I printed a new fridge chart to encourage me. I have to do more than print papers though; I need to redouble my efforts and make it happen. I have to stop eating but more than that I need to stop cheating. I need to change my attitude toward food, and I need to once and for all break the unhealthy relationship that I have with food.

    While I am planning to walk outside today (with high temperatures of 7°C (41°F), I just went into my bedroom and cleaned everything off the treadmill. If it is my intention to use it this winter to keep active, then I have to as of right now stop using it to hang clothes. Yes, that stereotype is real… except in my case it will be temporary.

    Yes, I went to the supermarket yesterday. Knowing that I have a meal or two left, I purchased vegetables so that I can have a salad with them. I also bought a handful of trail mix which I should not have done… but I also thought about buying breakfast cereal and stopped myself. A smaller transgression is better than a larger one.

    I finally got a good night’s sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed, and while my body battery was low from the time I woke up, the 80 on my sleep score was a relief to see. I will try to sleep well again tonight and am hoping that if I do exercise then it will contribute to that.

    When I picked up my prescription meds yesterday, I also took the opportunity to get my Covid-19 and Flu vaccines. I have still had no ill effects and hope this proactive measure will help to keep me healthy.

    Have a great day folks!