Losing a part of me

Category: Meal Replacements

  • Day 1038

    I took a nap yesterday afternoon, and paid for it at night… I could not fall asleep. So this afternoon, after I came back from my busy morning, I did the same thing. I know… that was stupid. I told Leslie that I will probably take a sleeping pill this evening (despite how much I hate doing that) in order to try to get back on track.

    I did not write much yesterday, so I did not write about the previous day; on Thursday when I brought my car in to change my tyres I went for a walk. I walked 5km, thinking I was not making very good time. In fact, I was making very good time, despite the lack of athletic shoes. I am not unhappy that I was doing about 9.5 minutes per kilometre wearing my Blundstones!

    I am still not back on track… but I am working on it. Hopefully today was better than the previous few days, and the numbers on the bathroom scale will reflect as much tomorrow. I also mentioned to Leslie earlier today that for the first time in my memory I am getting bored with chicken. While there are a lot of ways I could address that, I decided that once the chicken I have in my fridge is done, I will go back to two meal replacements per day (plus my usual breakfast). I would like to get down not only under the terrible mark, but much lower. I may not be able to do it over the holidays, but if I can get down to 280 lbs. before Hanukkah they I will be quite happy with myself.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1004

    You know you spend a lot of time traveling when the officer at US Customs and Border Protection’s secondary screening office greets you by name… before he is handed your passport. Because I am in the middle of the Green Card application process, every time I cross into the United States I am scrutinized to make sure I am not planning on staying. This trip was no different, and the nice officer put me at the front of the line and had me out of there in minutes. I was able to relax at the Admiral’s Club Lounge and enjoyed a reasonably (not entirely) healthy breakfast. The days of my worrying that I must have forgotten something are long behind me, and in a few minutes I will head down to the terminal to board my flight.

    By the way… I did forget something. I meant to bring a few meal replacement shakes with me, and I forgot to pack them. I am not worried because I brought plenty of protein bars for Leslie, so I might eat a few of them.

    It is so exciting that we are lets than five hours we will be together again. I am so looking forward to seeing her, my stepson, and of course the gorgeous Duchess of Mischief! Of course, when I dropped her off at Susan’s apartment last night it seemed that Princess Sophie knew that I was leaving again… I had forgotten to bring her bowl so I ran home to grab it, and when I returned she refused to come to me and looked at me with a glare that told me that she was not pleased with me. Sigh.

    The last couple of days have been unseasonably beautiful and warm in the Greater Toronto Area, and that is predicted to continue through Tuesday before the Canadian seasons return. That will have no affect on me until I return though, with the Texas autumn set to keep me warm during the days and cool but comfortable in the evenings.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 951

    Despite getting out and exercising my tushie off yesterday, I felt like I had failed yesterday because my friend from out of town took me to the pub for dinner. I should have politely declined, but she is not in good health, and she wanted to continue our conversation. It is great spending time with friends, but I hate that sometimes I have to do so at the expense of my success. In any event, I was wrong… my weight this morning dropped 1 lb. From yesterday. Yay! 

    I am teaching all day today, so my plan is to stay the course… which is much easier to do when I am teaching than when I am not. It is not as if I could go out to pick up food, right? Before you say it, I do not think I have even once ordered food in to this apartment since I am living here… which might be three years today if I’m not mistaken! No, lunch will be a meal replacement shake because I don’t have any other option. Yes, I could go out shopping after class… but as of right now I have no intention of doing so. I want to stay on track. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could get my weight down below 280 lbs. in time for Leslie’s visit?  

    I had a follow-uo conversation with a medical office yesterday about a colonoscopy which my doctor assures me I need to have. It does not sound like anything enjoyable. Sigh. The joys of getting older. I suppose it does beat the alternative, right? 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 950

    Despite the heat yesterday, I logged a 9km walk. I ate breakfast and lunch, and then I had two meal replacements in the late afternoon and then evening. I do not think it right that my weight was, once again, up this morning. Phooey.

    Don’t get me wrong… it was only up a few ounces – .6 lb. to be precise. However, I do not feel that I deserved that up. I really felt that this morning my weight should have been down… and not just a little. Not fair. I know, the constipation might be a factor; that does not make me feel a whole lot better.

    I am not going to jump off the wagon because of this… I am going to once again remember that weight loss is not about individual points on the graph; with that said, the last two points present an upward trend which pisses me off.

    My plan for today is to forego the lunch. I ate my breakfast but will only have meal replacements the rest of the day. Depending on how I am feeling, I might go for another walk. We’ll see. I know that tomorrow I will not have that luxury as I have to teach all day. I know that I really should go out for that walk… and I probably will. I am just hoping that before I do my bowels decide that they are finished punishing me.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 943

    I was saying to myself (and possibly to Leslie) last night that sometime in the next few days my weight will finally drop below 290 lbs. Today was not that day, even though it did drop a little from yesterday.  

    My alarm either did not go off or it did but it did not wake me up, and so I was rushing in the morning. I suspect that had I had the time to sit and relax, then I might have been able to successfully move my bowels, thus my weight might have dropped more than the 0.6 lbs. That it did. As it stands, I hope that I will be successful either later today, or else tomorrow morning.  

    I took Princess Sophie out for our walk later than I usually do, and she seemed happy to stay in bed for the extra hour. I would have been too, had I not had work to get to. With that said, my sleep score and body battery both benefited from the extra hour. 

    While I am deliberately not focusing on a comparison to it, my weight yesterday morning dropped below what it was on May 22, when I last tried to restart my weight loss. I remember being disgusted with myself then for having gained 53.2 lbs. Since my best weight; imagine how I felt a little over a week ago when three months on that number had risen to 62.8 lbs.? I have a lot of reasons for having gotten back on track, but first and foremost of those is how terrible I felt about myself. This morning I am 51.8 lbs. From that best weight ever, and I know that I need to continue to work toward it. I still have that goal set for myself to shave my goattee when my weight drops to 240 lbs., and I intend to reach it. I do not know how long it will take… but I will get there. 

    In the meantime, I have other short-term goals to strive for. This morning, I tried to wear a shirt that was a bit tight, and two of my sport coats as well. I want to be able to comfortably wear any outfit in my closet without discomfort… or worry that something might rip. 

    It is another beautiful day in southwest Ontario, and I am stuck inside teaching. No matter, I might take my lunch on the balcony with a meal replacement and a cigar. I know that is what I will be doing after I am finished for the day… and once Her Floofness has been out for her walk. I hope to get through the day without cheating, and if I can do that for a couple more days then I know that before long my weight will drop below 290 lbs… and then hopefully to 285. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 940

    I do not know why I was so hungry last night. Once again, I ate more thank I should have… but still within the parameters of what I had been doing the whole week. I was again afraid that my weight would be up this morning… especially since it is now a few days since I have had a half-decent bowel movement. In fact, my weight dropped another .4 lbs., bringing my weight loss since Sunday to nine pounds. That is nothing to sneeze at indeed, but I have to find a way to keep it going. The mental and emotional side of weight loss is the hardest part.

    Last night I was out after my class to pick up dog food and treats for Her Royal Floofness, and I briefly considered stopping into Fortinos to pick up a challah roll for Shabbat. I decided not to, and I think that is the reason my weight was down this morning. It is bad enough that I am not able to stick to only eating meal replacements in the evening, but if I were to add carbs and starches into my diet I know the results would be disastrous.

    Will I be able to get out to exercise today? I might try. The afternoon forecast is rain, so I would have to get out earlier. I have a couple of errands I need to run, so maybe I will go out in a few minutes and then do some work in the afternoon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 938

    Yesterday evening was somewhat similar to the previous one, insofar as I veered from the program… but not very far. Following my class, I went to the store and bought the provisions I had planned for (minus the coffee, which means I will have to go back today). I came home and prepared my early-evening meal replacement. I was still hungry, so I made myself an omelette, and then had a protein bar. That is a very large aberration from the norm but was offset by my not eating anything else (including my late meal replacement) until bed. Nevertheless, I was worried that I would not lose weight – or even gain a little – this morning. Fortunately, that was not the case. My weight is now down 8.4 lbs. Since Sunday morning. I feel I did a little better yesterday than I did the previous day; I will try to do a little better today than I did yesterday. 

    My knee is hardly bothering me at all this morning! I am not completely out of the woods yet, but I am still much better than I have been in the last couple of weeks. I am not going to stop taking the anti-inflammatories just yet, but I am relieved for the improvement. Hopefully by this weekend I will be able to get some exercise in. 

    It is another sunny and beautiful day in Burlington, but I have the air conditioner going and the balcony door closed yet again because there is a very loud road crew working outside. Hopefully this afternoon I’ll be able to open the door and enjoy some fresh air as I teach. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 937

    I was weak last evening. I felt weak, and I gave in to a little temptation. I did not go overboard, but I did break from the program; I made myself a small (2-egg) omelette, and then I ate a protein bar (which is equivalent to drinking an extra meal replacement). I told my wife about the omelette but I think that by the time we spoke, I had forgotten about the protein bar. It was not meant to be dishonest. In any event, I was worried that I would gain weight from these. Fortunately, I did not. Indeed, my weight dropped again this morning. According to the bathroom scale, I dropped another 1.2 lbs., which brings me below the 295 mark for the first time since July 30. I have to keep going though… two days of progress does not a success make. 

    I told Leslie last night that my next goal is to drop to 280 lbs. By the time she visits. That means I have to stay true to the program for the next 3.5 weeks. It means that I am going to have to decline a number of social invitations over the weekend which will be sad, but necessary. I want to get back on track, and the last few weeks have proven to me that I cannot do that if I am going to make an exception for every occasion. 

    We also discussed my failure to maintain a reasonable weight. I have not even been able to type into this journal that horrible number that my weight exceeded four times over the past few weeks. I must be strong and get back on track, which means getting my weight as far below that number as I can. I know that she will love me whatever my weight, but it is not so easy to love myself when I am that morbidly obese. Without going into detail, there was a marked improvement to certain parts of our relationship as I dropped the weight… and if for no other reason than that, then being back above that number is somewhere I never want to be again! Of course, there are also all of the nice clothes that I have that I want to be able to continue to wear more comfortably, and those that I have that do not currently fit at all. Two of my suits fit and two of my sports jackets fit (but tightly), and the rest do not. As for shirts… I know that some of them are tight, and others are not wearable. I will get back into all of them… and soon. 

    It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood, but I will be teaching until nearly 5:00pm. No problem… once I am off I will shed my jacket and tie, and I will put on a pair of shorts and a golf shirt. After I have my second meal replacement of the day I will go shopping for coffee and eggs and the vegetables I need for my omelettes, and then I will take Princess Sophie for a nice walk. I will follow that up with a cigar on the balcony. Leslie’s son is coming home to her this afternoon, so I do not know if we will be able to have a video date. If we can, then yay! If not, then I will read. 

    Yesterday after class I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I took a nap. That allowed me to have a cigar date with my wife in the evening. Monday evening, I was so tired that I could not, and I thought I might be sick until Leslie reminded me that my body was rebelling against the severely reduced caloric intake. I am hoping that either today or tomorrow my body will be in ketosis and that will be behind me. If not, then I will take more naps. I will not sabotage my progress by eating (as I did yesterday). At least when I ate yesterday, was not carbs or starches, so I did mostly stay with the program. Hopefully today I can do better. 

    Can I get down under 290 lbs. By the weekend? That would be great. I will not veer from my program which would sabotage myself. Let’s see if I can do it. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 936

    I am not going to lie and say that yesterday was easy… but it was worth it. I found myself without energy much earlier than I normally would. Of course I got through my class without any issues, but by the time I signed off I was quite hungry for that second meal replacement. I then sat on the balcony with a cigar and relaxed. Around 8:30pm I took Her Floofness out for a walk, again realizing that I was quite hungry. We got home around 9:15pm and I immediately prepared my final meal replacement of the day. My plan was to finish that, and then pick another cigar and sit out on the balcony and wait for Leslie to come home from her evening activity and join me on a video call. Realizing how tired I was, I decided instead to get ready for bed. Leslie and I did have our video date, but it was not a cigar on the balcony date. 

    It was hard to get through yesterday, but when I got onto the bathroom scale this morning I was glad the effort had paid off. My weight dropped a full three pounds, bringing me back down to 295 lbs. Even. It is the first time this month that I have dropped to that number. Now I want to try to keep the streak going and lose more weight every day this week. 

    I hate the fact that so many of my clothes do not fit, and I hate the fact that I have to plan my daily wardrobe based on what will and what will not. My first major goal is to get back down to 265 lbs. Which is what I weighed the last time my tailor was in town. I do not know if I will be going back to him when he is here at the end of September, but whether or not I do, I still want to make sure that my clothes from my last fitting fit and fit well. 

    My next major goal after that remains to get my weight back to 240 lbs., which is when I will shave my beard for Leslie. It also means that I will be back to within a couple of pounds of my best weight ever. 

    In the meantime, I am renewing my minor goals of the five- and ten-pound milestones and am going to resume tracking my progress on the chart on my fridge door. I hate the fact that nearly three months later, I weigh more today than I did when I first drew up that chart (on May 22). I am a few days away from getting back down to that weight (291.8 lbs.) and will use the same chart to track it. My goal is to get myself back in shape. It was only ten months ago that I was at my best weight of this millenium and I want to get back to that… And I do not want to take ten months to do it. I am hoping that before the spring of 2025 I will be able to shave my beard at 240 lbs. 

    I should mention that my knee is not yet completely healed, but it is feeling better than it was. I hope that by the weekend I can get out for a nice long walk without aggravating it any further. I am still taking the anti-inflammatory meds, but I am down to a single pill, three times per day. I expect that by the end of the week I will not need them at all.

    Okay, I’m going to go back to my class now… we are on a break, but I also want to check my email. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 935

    I told my wife last night that as of this morning I would be eating breakfast, and then I would only be eating meal replacements. It is now 1:10pm and I have had my first meal replacement and while I am a bit hungry still, I am going to see this through. 

    When I stepped onto the bathroom scale yesterday morning, I was disgusted with myself. I expected to see the same this morning, but possibly a minor drop. No sir, the bathroom scale had me a full 3.4 lbs. Down from yesterday, and back below that terrible number. That does not mean that I am changing my plan. I will lose ten pounds this week! Okay, that is a bit ambitious… but I do want to get below two or three numbers that I had said were terrible before I got to the last terrible one… and I am going to stick to it. I realized last night that there is no chicken and no vegetables for salad in the house. I will go shopping this evening, but only to buy onions (for my breakfast omelette) and coffee beans (which I am running low on). That is is. 

    I am teaching this week, so my days are going to be busy. As for my evenings, I will spend a great deal of time on the balcony with a cigar. I will get back on track this week… I promise me! 

    Have a great day folks!