Losing a part of me

Category: Pain

  • Day 671

    I do not know if I am having a harder time today than I have the last few; I do know that the emotional pain and anxiety are crippling today. I am not sure if part of that is because when I took Her Floofness for her walk we met up with her friend Angus… a corgi. The lot of us then met up with Molly. Their mommies are very nice ladies and chatty and sociable, and we did our full walk for about half an hour and all that time I pretended that everything was okay when everything really is not. Looking at Angus… it is just painful inside.

    While I was speaking with the doctor yesterday, I told her what was going on and she asked me a lot of questions trying to determine if I might be in a state of mind to do harm to myself or to others. I assured her that my religion precluded me from self-harm; my religion and my desire to be a good person preclude me from harming others. I have no interest in hurting anyone. I do not want to hurt myself either. The fact that I do not know how I can carry on does not change the fact that I do not plan to end it all. No, that is not how I am going to go. As bad as things are, I am hoping that I will come out of this into something better. That might take a long time, but it will get better.

    I had mentioned that my weight was up significantly yesterday from the previous day. Fortunately, that righted itself this morning; according to the bathroom scale I weigh the same today as I did Monday. I hope to do better today so that tomorrow morning that number goes down again. I know, hope is not a strategy. I will work to make sure that is the case.

    It has been five months since my housecleaner has been here, and she is coming over this afternoon. While the apartment is not a complete pigsty, I am looking forward to having her mop the floors and do a bunch of other things that I normally forget to do. I did not book her in anticipation of my buddy coming into town next week, it only worked out as a happy coincidence. There is so little happy in my life these days so I will take what I can get.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 455

    I have not been talking about my elbow because I have thought every day for the last couple of weeks that it was just because I slept badly on it, and that it would get better on its own. Yesterday evening at Taekwondo, I realized how much it is really hurting; this morning, I could hardly use my right arm. I took Aspirin and an anti-inflammatory and will baby it for a few days. If I do not feel any improvement by tomorrow morning, then I will go to the clinic and have it looked at. If nothing else, I only have one anti-inflammatory left, and I will need a new prescription if the issue persists.

    Because of the weather, I worked out at the gym yesterday. I did not take the time to recalibrate my fitness watch or my iPhone app, so both of them recorded strangely weird totals. According to the treadmill, I walked 3.2 miles, which translates to slightly over 5km. While that alone was not enough to reach my daily steps goal, I would do so within the next hour, and by doing a lot of jogging in place while waiting in line for my turn during two consecutive Taekwondo classes, I would shatter the goal by nearly 7,000 steps. After bringing Her Floofness for her morning walk, I needed only register another 6,300 steps today to extend my streak to ten, tying my best streak ever. While waiting for my tyre and oil change, I decided to go for a walk around the buildings. It was not a power walk by any means – I was even smoking a cigar as I went, but by the time my car was ready I had registered a 4.15km walk, and I have officially tied my previous streak. I do not know if I will run this afternoon or not – that will depend on a couple of factors – but it doesn’t matter… by the end of the day I will have reached my 10,000 steps, even if that is just from taking the dogs out for a couple of walks. Yes, I said dogs… Charlie’s mom asked if I wouldn’t mind, and of course I do not. Tomorrow I will be jogging,

    I am still off the program. Yesterday I bought a smoked turkey leg which I enjoyed for dinner. I was not thinking about how much salt there is in a turkey leg, but after dinner when I realized how much water I was drinking I knew what was going on. I also knew that this morning I would be grossed out by the numbers on the bathroom scale. I also knew that it would be temporary. I cheated again today, but not nearly as bad. I made some salmon and rice for lunch, this time not completely destroying the rice. I will continue on a partial program for the day and will see how I am feeling tomorrow. The rest of my food intake today should be meal replacements only. We’ll see.

    I am really excited that I received notification from DHL when I woke up that my new clothes will be delivered Monday, which means that I will be able to bring them with me to Dallas and California with me. That does not change the fact that this afternoon I have an appointment with a tailor to have my suit taken in.

    I went to the tailor to discover that while my suit does need to be dry cleaned, it does not need to be altered. That is a relief, and I dropped it off at the dry cleaner. I also left with the tailor two pair of pants and my vest to have them taken in. It will be nice to get a few more months out of those.

    I guess the day has gotten away from me, but I did have a cigar on the patio, and am in front of my computer in time to publish this article before I start my class.

    Have a great day folk!

  • Day 441

    I ended up splurging yesterday evening. We decided to go for burgers. It was sooo good, but it is not something that I will miss having for the next two or three months. It was my only aberration from the program, and I still did reasonably well. For the first time since I left Canada, my weight dropped ever so slightly this morning. It was a welcome relief, even though I made the conscious decision to get off the program for my trip. I am not upset by what I weigh today… I would just prefer for my weight to not go any higher than it is now.

    This morning I had a bowl of breakfast cereal, which will be my last leavened food for eight days. My lunch will likely be a salad, but starting this evening I will be eating matzah (unleavened bread) with every meal. It is a Jewish tradition that commemorates the exodus from Egypt following the ten plagues; with the Pharoah Ramses II’s army chasing them, they did not wait for their dough to rise. Knowing the effects on the body that matzah can have, I suspect it might commemorate how tight their butt cheeks were knowing that if they were caught, they would be slaughtered. All this to say that 1) I am glad I have fibre for if (when) I need it, and 2) I am really glad that I have been able to clear out the backup in my bowels over the last few days, because it might be starting to build up again.

    Speaking of that, yesterday morning I finally moved my bowels three times, which went a long way to relieving the stomach discomfort that I have been experiencing these last few days. I was also successful with that this morning, so hopefully that is a sign that my issues are abating. It was less painful today than it has been, which I hope is a sign that my hemorrhoids are finally starting to go down. These last few days have been uncomfortable in so many ways, and it is nice to know that these pains are not permanent. For a minute there it felt they might be!

    My plan for today is to work, although in the afternoon I will migrate that work to the cigar lounge. I will have a salad for lunch, and after class this evening I will have a light dinner… maybe a chicken breast, but we will discuss our options shortly. I will start eating matzah as our laws and traditions dictate with dinner. Tomorrow, I have a lot of cooking and other food prep to do, which will take up most of my day. In the evening I will serve a traditional but very abridged Passover Seder meal, which will consist of the foods I prepare (including the full Seder Plate, but other than that it will be roasted chicken).

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 411

    I wrote yesterday morning that I was ‘…on the fence between going out for a jog for the next hour or getting back into bed for that hour.’ I decided to suit up and head out. I knew stepping out the door that I was not going to try for another 11km+ foray, but I figured that if I wanted to try to minimize the possibility of this morning’s weigh-in being up from yesterday’s, there was a better chance if I got at least some exercise in before the drive to Cambridge. I did set a couple of personal bests, but that was not the point of the outing.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3.04km (6.3 km)
    • Duration: 24:51 (51:52)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m10s (8.14s)
    • Steps: 3,800 (7,900)
    • Calories burned: 800
    • Elevation gain: 29m (84m)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (153)

    Walking

    • Distance: 4 km
    • Duration: 42:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m32s
    • Steps: 4,900
    • Calories burned: 526
    • Elevation gain: 12m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116

    It was nice to get out, especially knowing that it is the second day in a row that I was able to do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it again today. The weather will not be as nice as today, but we will see. When I took Her Floofness out, she did not want to go beyond the front lawn, where she did her business, and then politely but adamantly insisted we go back into the building. In a few weeks we will be beyond the cold and snow and salt on the pavement, and dogs will be happier because those signs of winter hurt their paws. As for myself, I would like to get out for another jog… even if it is a short one.

    I wrote yesterday as well that I was fully expecting that after the tremendous drop from the previous day that my weight would either stay the same, or more likely it would sneak up a couple of ounces. In fact, it dropped .4 lb. which might be my body trying to make things right for the frustrating plateau that was last week… or it could be reminding me that sticking to the program, as well as getting out and exercising, are the combination that will lead to my ultimate success.

    As planned, Princess Sophie and I spent the afternoon with our friends in Cambridge, which was really nice. I see one of them a lot more often, but a couple of them I had not seen since December. It was great to catch up with them… even though a lot of the time we just spend watching TV and talking about nothing in particular. Even though they (they are a couple) got engaged since the last time we caught up, beyond a quick ‘congratulations!’ to them, most of the talk was about pets and stuff.

    I am chomping at the bit to start packing my suitcase. We talk about ‘counting down the hours…’ well in sixty-six hours I will be getting into an Uber that will take me to the airport. I might get five hours of sleep, but likely will not because of the excitement and anticipation… and because I have to teach until 9:30 Wednesday evening. I am holding back because every Israeli is taught that you never pack a suitcase and leave it unattended. I do not care how secure my apartment might be… but I might just take my suit and a few shirts and put them into a garment bag

    I woke up this morning and lay in bed for a few minutes before getting up. It was only when I moved to kick out that I realized that my leg muscles – particularly my quadriceps – are really feeling the effects of my jogging. While some might call it pain, I realized as I lay there analyzing it that it is not actually that… it is just a bit of an ache that is reminding me that I need to stretch before heading out. I know, I should not be neglecting that. As a martial artist I know how important it is, and the fact that I neglect it so often is absolutely on me. I promise I will spend a few minutes stretching before heading out this afternoon. I promise myself!

    I have a few thoughts that I plan to share today in a separate article, so I will sign off now. The plan for today: 1) Stay on track with the program. 2) Try to get out for a jog. 3) Do some studying for my next exam. 4) Stay focused and stay mindful!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 320

    My emotions are getting worse. As I try to do better, things keep getting harder for me. This includes but is not limited to my weight loss. It is harder for me to put on a brave and happy face for my friends, and I think they are starting to worry. They cannot help me, I have to help myself, or rather, I have to get help from a professional who can guide me through the process of getting better. I need someone who will call me on crap and hold me accountable; I need someone who will make me accept hard realities and to face them. I hope I have the courage to accept these realities… and to fix as much as I can.

    I arrived at my friend’s house in Cambridge yesterday without the means to make a meal replacement. I indulged in the sort of junk foods that I know are going to make me gain weight immediately. Of course, that is exactly what happened. This morning I am heavier than I am. If I am to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022, I need to lose fifteen pounds in the next twenty-five days. Is that achievable? Yes. Is it as realistic today as it was three weeks ago? No.

    I hate getting it wrong. I am not talking about weight loss, or at least not exclusively about that. Every time I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, I wonder how it happened. There was a time in my life when I would do what I wanted to do, whether I knew it to be wrong or not. That is not the case now. I keep trying to do right, and I keep failing. Things that I think are right, okay, and acceptable are coming back to bite me… hard. I wonder though how come it is okay to be punished for trying to do right? I am willing to learn. I am trying to improve. I am starting to wonder if that is good enough… and if I can ever be good enough.

    In a few moments I will drive to my friend’s house to watch the World Cup, and I will try again to put on a happy face. I am not happy. I don’t think that matters to anyone anymore. Even the act of putting on a happy façade is held against me. Hey look! Autocorrect actually put a cedilla under the c.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 307

    This morning I did something that I have not been able to do for over a week. I went about my morning routine, took my pills, but did not include pain killers. Yes, my knee is actually starting to feel semi-normal again! I am very happy about that. After making a scrumptious breakfast of French toast for my wife (of which I only had a few small bites), I had a meal replacement shake. If there is any better sign of my commitment to eating but not overdoing it this week, I do not know what that might be! For lunch, I am going to pick up one of Leslie’s favourites… and one of mine too. Shawarma is a huge delicacy in parts of the world where I have spent a great deal of time, and I have always considered it to be part of my culture. Strictly speaking, it should not be too much of an aberrance from my weight loss program… as long as I do not do it too often.

    It seems to be turning into a lovely day outside, and I suspect that Leslie and I will take advantage of that by sitting on the balcony and enjoying a cigar. Even if I have to turn the heater on, it will be lovely for us to be able to do that. Last night we went to Eduardo’s for a couple of cigars, and that was truly nice… but we also enjoy smoking when it is just the two of us. Today will be such a day. I know that tomorrow we are going to Cambridge, where we will smoke with Ryan et al, and Thursday we are going to Hamilton to have Thanksgiving dinner with Lyle and Dorothy (as well as with Rob and Pippa), so being able to spend a day where it is just the two of us will be a delight.

    While my weight yesterday morning was up above the 310-pound mark, today it is down nearly half a pound, at 310 pounds even. I am okay with that, knowing that I only have a few days left of ‘vacation with my wife,’ after which I will go back to my boring routine. I am truly hoping that by the end of the week my knee will be back to normal. While I doubt I will be back in the gym before she leaves, I would like to resume that next Monday. Knowing (or at least now strongly suspecting) that the injury to my knee was not an injury at all, but was in fact just gout, I will be able to hit the ground running. Even so, I suspect that I will be skittish about my lower body and will spend a lot of focus on my upper body strength for a bit. The treadmill will be my go-to lower-body routine for a bit.

    Today should be a relaxing day with my wife… a bit of shopping, a lovely lunch, and soaking up all of the love that a married couple should have.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 306

    The doctor at the clinic suspects my knee injury is actually an inflammation of gout. While I did not know that gout could manifest off the foot, this is amazing news. It means that with the right meds, I’ll be right as rain in a couple of days. I already woke up this morning in significantly less pain than the last week! I do confess though that I think it is part of getting old… I am hurting, and for no good reason.

    I am eating regularly this week, although I will be very careful. I want to enjoy my week with Leslie, and once she is gone I will go back to starving myself and the gruelling exercise routine. I deserve a break… but I will not go nuts.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 305

    After a long day not being able to do anything, we drove my son the younger home, and I took Leslie for a scrumptious Greek dinner. Here’s a tip: it hardly matters how good you are on your diet. If you finish dinner with a Chocolate and Almond Baklava with a scoop of ice cream, you are unlikely to lose weight that day. I was only up a fifth of a pound, which I’ll call a success.

    Leslie and I ran errands today after sharing an omelette for breakfast. I made chicken with a Buffalo sauce for lunch. Now we are sitting at the walk-in clinic hoping the doctor will magically fix my knee.

    Dinner will be leftovers – both Greek from last night and chicken from lunch. I am hoping my knee will not be in so much pain, and I can resume some sort of physical activity.

    I did not sleep badly last night. Tonight might be better… we bought new pillows!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 304

    Yesterday was a very divided day. It was always going to end wonderfully, as I picked Leslie up from the airport. It is so wonderful having her back in the Rectangle-Free Zone! Her plane landed early, and she was in my arms by 11:00pm. That is where she belongs!

    Unfortunately I got some bad news yesterday midday. My ex-wife called me and told me that our son the elder had a seizure and was in the hospital. We still have no word on why, but we are praying for the best. The fact that I was able to deliver the remainder of my class in a semi-competent and coherent manner speaks to… something, I don’t know what. I will say that it was exhausting, trying to stay focused on IT security while my mind was entirely elsewhere. Hopefully my students were satisfied by the delivery, but I know I could have done a better job.

    After class, I waited for Leslie to get to the airport in Dallas, and we lit the candles and said the prayers over WhatsApp. I hoped that they would bring me calmness but was obviously praying for my son. I think I was crying as I read the benedictions that I have recited thousands of times without a thought. When it was over, I devoured the challah with peanut butter. That, and a couple of biscotti-thins at Eduardo’s later in the evening, accounted for the sum total of my cheating… and must be the reason I once again gained nearly a pound this morning.

    I am wondering if my knee inflammation – which is huge, and excruciating – might have something to do with my weight gain this week. Yes, it is preventing me from exercising… but it is also extremely inflamed. I do not know how that works and am going to assume it is not, but it might be partially to blame. Who knows? Not I.

    Once again, the pain disturbed my sleep last night – worse than ever. I decided yesterday morning to wear a knee brace for a couple of hours to see if it helped. I know from past experience that wearing one all day increases the pain. By the time I removed it midnight was in the rear-view mirror, and there was no comfortable way to lie down. I did fall asleep for a couple of hours, but once I got up to pee, there was no position that worked. I finally got out of bed, knowing that sitting up is less painful than lying down. This is something else I do not understand. I sat at the kitchen table for an hour before realizing I have a perfectly good couch, and I did manage to get another 30-40 minutes of sleep before having to wake up to pick up my son the younger.

    Theresa called me when she got home from the hospital last night and asked me to pick him up at 7:30am so she could return. The original plan was for Leslie and I to pick him up and take him for breakfast. When I came in from walking Her Royal Floofness, Theresa called and told me he had not slept well and wanted to come to my apartment to sleep. That is exactly what happened, and he is fast asleep in my bed. The Princess goes into the room every few minutes to see that he is okay, but he has not moved in over an hour. I do not know how long he will sleep, but Leslie and I are content to be together and keep our voices down. We never had plans to go out today (we might have, but nothing was planned), and neither of us takes issue with a quiet and lazy day at home… especially knowing it is Holy Crap Degrees Below Zero outside. To wit, when I came in from the walk with HRF, I touched her face to kiss her with a hand that was never out of my leather glove, and she freaked out from how cold it was. Yes ladies and gentlemen, winter has arrived in Southern Ontario.

    When my son wakes up I assume he will be hungry, and we will all go out for lunch. We will let him decide where, but I am not driving to Buffalo Wild Wings… he can pick any restaurant he wants, as long as it is in Burlington. As it happens, if he was not here today, I would likely be sitting in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic, because after last night it is now clear to me that I need to have a doctor look at my knee. Spending an hour with my foot on the gas pedal is not going to happen. Wherever he decides to eat, I will be good. I want my weight to be slightly lower tomorrow morning, and not slightly higher.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 302

    I lost 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, which is a good bit of progress. These last two days I am down 2.4 lbs. It is still only about a third of the more than 7 lbs. that I gained in this recent slide, but positive progress is better than the alternative. I have written before that you can claw your way to losing five pounds over the course of a week, and then ruin it with one good (really bad) meal. Positive progress is slow, but regression can come too quick.

    My knee is still aching terribly, but if I am not mistaken there might be a bit of improvement over yesterday. It is still stiff and painful, but it might be less so than yesterday. I am hoping that trend continues. I have been giving a lot of thought as I lie awake at night thinking about the workout that probably did me in. I knew as I was doing them that the knee extensions were hurting me on that leg, but I did not want to back down. I will be very careful about anything around my knees going forward. Hopefully it is getting better, but I will continue to ice it and take the anti-inflammatories. If it is still bothering me on the weekend, I will go to the clinic.

    I got a call from Eduardo earlier today asking me to drive his estranged wife to the airport tomorrow. She needs to be at the airport for 5:00am, which means that I set an alarm for 3:30am. I will be going to sleep very early this evening. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day! I am picking Leslie up at the airport at 11:00pm, which means that I will not be in bed before 1:00am. A 22-hour day would have been common a few years ago, but not anymore. Fortunately I will be able to sleep from 6:00pm to 10:00pm after my class (and after walking Princess Sophie). Otherwise, I am not sure I would be able to manage it.

    It is mid-afternoon, and I have not cheat-eaten yet. I had my chicken and salad for lunch, and after my class, I will have a meal replacement. It would be nice if tomorrow morning I am down another two pounds, but that is reaching. I only hope to keep inching my way back to my best-weight-yet territory, but I am more than four pounds away from that, so hopefully by Monday.

    Today’s entry is late, and tomorrow’s is going to be extremely tired. I strongly suspect that tomorrow will be a two-pots-of-coffee day.

    Have a great day folks!