Losing a part of me

Category: Plans

  • Day 681

    My weight crept up a full pound this morning, but after yesterday’s extreme drop of 3.6 lbs. I am not surprised that my body adjusted back a bit. Oh, and I also had more sweet potato fries than I probably should have eaten with my dinner. I will stay on track today, and tomorrow will be back on the losing track.

    I had plans for today, but they fell through. That is not a big deal and should not affect how my day goes. I am going to try to take it easy. I have a couple of errands I need to run, which I will do after lunch. After that I will likely sit on the balcony with a cigar and my tablet. My week has been an emotionally draining one, and I just need to decompress and relax. Tomorrow, I suspect a friend is coming over for a couple of hours. Until then I am happy relaxing and decompressing.

    Ahh… I just realized I have no chicken or fish in the house. I suppose I will be running those errands before lunch, otherwise there’s no lunch. I guess I’ll take that as my cue to get going. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 680

    I was hoping that my weight would be down this morning. I did not expect such a steep drop though. It was once again below 250. If I can stay on track for a few days, then I am hoping that I can make that a permanent thing. I do not know if that delineator has any relevance other than psychological, but the psychology is real. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to get below 220, and then make that my point of… whatever it is.

    I am working this afternoon, and while I thought briefly about going out afterwards, but have almost completely talked myself out of that. While it will be raining all day, the forecast predicts it will be drying up around the time my class ends. If that prediction comes true, then my forecast for the evening looks a lot like this:

    • Light the candles and say my prayers;
    • Eat a healthy dinner; and
    • Smoke cigars on the balcony while watching TV on my tablet.

    Of course, at some point I will also take Her Floofness out for a walk. She refused to go this morning, which means that my current step count is 700. It is not that she just wouldn’t walk out the door, but she must have sensed that her best friend Charlie was with our neighbour, and she ran right to her door. That deprived me of the 2,200 steps I would normally take in the morning. She just might get a much longer walk this evening… but we’ll see.

    Take care and Shabbat Shalom!

  • Day 674

    It is much later in the day than I would normally sit down to write my daily entry. Here I am.

    I got a much later start than I normally would this morning. I did not get out of bed until 9:00am or so, which means that by the time I got home from taking her Floofness out it was closer to 10:00am. I made breakfast (as normal, if later). I then studied for thirty minutes before running out to have my haircut. When I came back home, I studied for another hour before deciding that I did not have any more time to get any smarter before I needed to sign in for my exam.

    I have been trying to study all week, but my mind has just not been in it. I have really just been staring at words on the page; My mind was absorbing nothing. The only thing I had going for me was that I do know the field. Cybersecurity is not exactly unknown territory for me, although oftentimes the exam questions are written in a way that make really intelligent people scratch their heads. However much last-minute cramming I might get in, I was resigned to the fact that I was going to fail this exam.

    I was not at all prepared for the exam, and as I sat looking at the screen, I was doing my best to just pick the answers that made me look least clueless. That was not an easy task. By the halfway mark, I was just hoping that my final score would not be too embarrassing. I was encouraged toward the end of the exam when the last ten or so questions seemed easier… not easy per se, but more straightforward; the answers were obvious if you understood the material. There was suddenly a chance that I would pull this off, but I was still doubtful.

    I pressed the ‘Review’ button after I answered the last question. At this point I had the opportunity to review any questions I might have marked, but this is not something I normally do when sitting for certification exams. I clicked ‘End Review.’ At this point I just wanted to know if I passed… or how badly I failed. No! before that, there is a short survey they would like me to complete… not so much a survey as a questionnaire, and not so much short as… something like twenty questions. I answer them honestly, partly in protest but partly because I know soon enough, I will know for sure that I failed the exam. There is also a small part of me that is convinced that if you do not answer all of their questions honestly, they will dock you ten points from your final score. I know, that is not how it works… but maybe it is!?

    Okay, it’s done. Now I will know for sure how badly I failed. The screen comes up telling me that the passing score is 750 (of a possible 900). My score is… 753. I let out the breath I had not realized I was holding in. I actually passed. I did not expect to pass. Monday or Tuesday I will receive an email from CompTIA congratulating me on my new certification. I called my buddy Jay who knows more about cybersecurity than I ever could, just so I could share the news with him. I did not make any more calls, although I did message one friend – a reader of the blog, who was chatting with me yesterday about it. I told her I was not likely to pass, and she told me she believed in me. I am happy to say that she was right. Funny… I don’t feel happy. It’s just a saying.

    Alright, so where are we on the weight loss front? After the tremendous jump yesterday, I was relieved to see a slight drop on the bathroom scale this morning… although not as much as I would have liked. I had gained a full five pounds the previous day, so dropping only 1.4 lbs. this morning was a bit of a letdown… although an expected one. That kind of weight is not likely to shed off in one or two days. Yes, I am still above that dreaded 250 lbs. mark. I hope that tomorrow I can drop below it again. We’ll see.

    It is now 7:15pm, and I reached out to my weight loss buddy to see if she is free for a call later tonight. If she is, then I will light up the balcony heater and pick a cigar. If not, then I will likely just stay inside and watch TV. I don’t know… we’ll see.

    That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 661

    My life is no better today than it was yesterday. It is still a complete and total disaster from which I see no way out and no way forward. Still, I have to go forward. Aside from the fact that my religion forbids any form of self-harm, there are people who love me and care for me. I have to remember that. There are people who know that I would never hurt the people that I love, and that I would in fact go to the furthest extremes to protect them. So I move forward, and I try to continue to do my best to not give up the progress that I have made through nearly two years of hard work… even as I see that I am losing those which are most dear to me.

    One of the ways I encourage myself to keep going is with numbers. I have been trying to weight for six hundred and sixty-one days, and when I need the push, I look at the numbers. I am in the worst place I have been emotionally in many years, and so I decided to turn to my numbers for at least some encouragement.

    clip_image002[8]

    This graph represents my weight every day since September 30 (excepting the 26-29 of October, and November 5). The yellow line represents my lowest weight ever – 238.6 lbs. on October 18. The red line is my highest weight in the forty-three-day period that I selected (249.4 lbs., this past Wednesday). The green line represents my weight today (243.4 lbs.). The vertical black line is the day my world fell apart. I had a bad slip for a few days… what with the pizza dinner splurge Friday night, my life crashing down on me destroying everything on Saturday, and then the travel day on Sunday. With all of that, knowing even that I had gained a full eleven pounds from my best weight by Wednesday, but have been able to reign that back in and get back on track. This morning my weight is less than half a pound up from that terrible day… even though every day since has been even worse. I am now less than 5 lbs. from getting back to my best weight ever.

    I am still not sleeping well. Admittedly, I did do a little better last night than any of the previous seven, but that is probably owing to the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to me. According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only a 49/100. My body battery was an abysmal 31/100 when I woke up, and at 11:15am it is down to a 26. There were a number of times that Leslie offered to give me a few of the pills she has to help her sleep, but I refused. I know I was right to, but I am still kicking myself that I do not have anything in the house (aside from copious amounts of scotch) that would help me to rest.

    It was good to see my friends yesterday. They are the first to know what is going on and how I feel. I do not know if or when I am going to start talking about it… but it is not today. Today will be spent trying to help a friend with his computer that seems to have died so I will go over and try to salvage everything he has lost. In the evening I am tutoring one of my students who needs extra help, and who seems to have started my class behind the eight ball because her instructor for the previous class (which is a pre-requisite for this class) seems to have taught way too fast and using way too much jargon for anyone, but especially for a non-native English speaker to understand. I promised I would help, and I will help. Hopefully in doing so I will be able to keep my mind off the fact that I really have no interest in living anymore.

    One day at a time.

  • Day 653

    I knew my weight would be slightly up this morning and I am not the least bit sorry. As a cheat-treat, and to put a big smile on her son’s face, Leslie and I decided to order pizza for dinner last night. Yes, I wrote in these very pages yesterday morning that we would be cheating, and I do not regret it. In truth, I am surprised that the numbers on the bathroom scale were only up by .4 lb. I will take it and call it a win.

    This afternoon we are going to an entertainment complex where we will probably be feeding the boy. I will do my best to not eat there for a number of reasons: I am trying to not gain any more weight during this trip than I already have, but also I know from experience that it is extremely difficult to keep kosher at those places. I will probably put a handful of peanuts into my pocket before we leave home and will nibble on those if I need it. I do not know what we will be doing for dinner, but I can assume that it won’t be very diet friendly. That’s okay… as of this morning I weigh a little less than 1.5 lbs. more than I did the day I flew to Texas; I had expected to gain up to 5 lbs., and that is clearly not going to happen. I will still not go nuts, but if I have one more cheat meal (and then my travel day, which usually adds a pound as well) then I will still be well within my goals for this trip.

    I have not gotten any walking done during this trip. I will not have the opportunity this coming week either, owing to my ridiculous schedule. I do not know what the weather will be in Canada next weekend, but I suspect I might have to start making regular trips to the gym if I do not want to fall off the working out wagon. I will still try to walk if the weather is nice, but November in Canada is not always conducive to outdoor activities. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 651

    Another day, another tiny but welcome drop on the bathroom scales. I was better yesterday than I was the day before, although I did snack a little bit (some peanuts and a couple of slices of dried mango) I ate well. I ate my usual breakfast, and when I came home from the lounge I made myself an egg sandwich with cheese. Despite stresses and anxieties I did not dive into anything delectable.

    I am going to see if I can muster the strength to go for a long walk today. I have not exercised since I am in Texas, and I know it would do me a world of good. I will wait for the temperatures to get up to something reasonable (I will still be wearing long pants) and then I will go for it. Later in the day I will also have to go to the Verizon store to drop off my old cell phone… as soon as the new one is unlocked so I can transfer my eSIM onto it. It’s a long story, but it makes sense.

    I will most likely pick up salads for our lunches today. I do not know what Leslie has planned for dinner, but I will go with the flow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 650

    My friend and rabbi sent out an email this morning suggesting, as we as a people are enduring these terrible times, that we write two things that we are grateful for in a journal every day this month. As this is my journal, I should start with that. I am grateful that. I am grateful that I have the friends and loved ones that I do. My life is not perfect but I am sitting ten feet from my wife whom I love dearly. When we consider the odds of us meeting were truly amazing, I am grateful that we found each other. I am grateful that despite the hardships that we are living with (separated by geography most of the time until we can finally get approval to live together) we can afford to visit each other often and spend time together. I am grateful that despite the growing pains of our relationship that we are able to work out our differences and continue to grow as a couple.

    I am back on track with my weight loss. While I am still 5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever, I am 2 lbs. lighter than I was yesterday, and 1 lb. lighter than I have been any day since I arrived in Texas. I am happy with that. I am especially happy knowing what I ate yesterday. Breakfast was mostly the same omelette, although since I did not have the right amount of eggs, I added a couple of slices of toast. I spent several hours helping a buddy’s mother with her computer issues, and while I was there her daughter brought us lunch – hamburgers and French fries from Wendy’s. This meal alone might have put an end to any hopes I might have had of happy news from the bathroom scale. It was our last night together alone before Leslie’s son comes home, so I offered to prepare dinner – I bought us salmon (which I prepared with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs) and two potatoes (which I sliced up and tossed with a very little bit of sesame oil and served as air-fried potatoes). After dinner we also indulged in a small sweetie (a pastry straw filled with hazelnut. Yum!) We shared a bottle of wine. All in all, I might have expected my weight to be up from yesterday but it was not. Perhaps that is another thing that I am grateful for.

    I had my regular omelette for breakfast this morning, and I will spend a few hours at the cigar lounge doing some work. I have a bunch of emails I need to answer. I also need to try to make sure that everything I had on my old phone is transferred to the new one (which arrived yesterday) so that I can bring the old phone to Verizon (we traded in). I might have a salad for lunch. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening and will trust Leslie to pick up whatever she and our boy are going to eat for me as well.

    It would be nice if I can stay on track, and tomorrow I can see another decent drop from the bathroom scale. I suspected from the beginning that I would gain a few pounds during this trip. My hopes and goal is that I do not gain too much. I currently weigh two pounds more than my weigh-in from the day before I left Canada. I am painfully aware that I have weighed as much as five pounds more than that since arriving. If I could stay around where I am this morning then it will be a success.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 644

    We arrived at our hotel safe and sound, and despite some minor issues (mostly to do with the Internet) there were no real hassles, and we were asleep before 1:00am. That may sound reasonable, but the 6:05am alarm I had set tells another story. Fortunately I am used to that life (even though I don’t really live it anymore) and am able to function quite well on five hours of sleep.

    My diet program is going to be on hold for a few days. That is not to say that I am going to go overboard splurging, but I am not going to pay attention to everything I put into my mouth. This morning I did not have as much time as I would have liked, and the options for breakfast were not great. I splurged on the buffet, which included an omelette, a bagel, and some fruit. I will try not to do the buffet again while we are here. It is just to tempting to ‘try to get my money’s worth.’ I cannot think like that anymore!

    We did not bring the bathroom scale with us so my next morning weigh-in will be Monday morning. If I can stay under 248 lbs. (which would mean a 3-pound gain over the next four) then I will call it a victory.

    (For my Facebook support group)

    I grew! I am two inches taller because of my weight loss! Okay, that is not exactly true… but it could be! The story:

    A couple of years after I got out of the Army, when I was gaining huge amounts of weight unchecked, I acted in a play. The wardrobe guy (I have been trying to remember the proper term) was fitting me for pants and he said ‘Oh right… fat people wear their pants under the belly. Normal people wear them up around their waists.’ Screw you, buddy. I never forgot that…

    After losing 150 pounds (and twenty-five years after that hurtful comment) I decided to try it… I have been buying pants with a 30” length for all these years. When I pulled them up to fasten my belt around my waist, they fit… but my ankles were cold. At least people could see my fun socks!

    I ordered a new pair of pants last week – with a 36” waist – and decided to try an experiment. I ordered 36×32. I put them on yesterday morning and… they fit perfectly! I was equally worried that the 36” waist would not fit comfortably as the 32” length, but both were perfect. I am so excited and am going to order a couple more pair… and when I get back to Canada, I am going to do another purge to deliver more clothes that no longer fit me to the charity drop-off!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 643

    After speaking with my wife last night I made a decision. I have adjusted my weight goal on the app that ties to my scale. I am feeling so much better about myself than I have in so many years, and while I think I still have a little way to go, I also recognize that I want to be slim, but not sickly thin. With that, my new weight loss goal is 210 lbs., both for my well-being and for a number of other reasons.

    I had a stressful day yesterday and I did eat (and snack) a little more than I should have. I was a bit concerned about the numbers, but sure enough (after a half decent bowel movement) I had lost .6 lb. from yesterday morning. I am not back to where I was before my stumble began, but I have always said that down is better than up. I will call it a win!

    I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that now that I am wearing my pants around my waist and not around my belly there is a significant difference in the length. For decades I have bought pants in a 30” length. Since changing to the waist I have been showing off a lot more sock than I used to. Late last week I ordered my first pair of pants that were a 36×32… the smaller waist and the longer leg. They arrived at Leslie’s mailbox on Friday and were here when I arrived. I was afraid to try them on – not because of the length, but because of the 36” waist. I know I have a couple of pair in that waist that do fit, but I have several others that do not. This morning I tried them on. Lo and behold… they fit perfectly! I was (and am) so excited about that!

    One more thing that I realized a while ago was that my underwear has been much looser than it could be. I ordered several new pair, some of which arrived Monday. For the first time in I don’t know how long I am wearing Size Large! It has been so many years since I have worn anything that was not XL (or XXL or XXXL…) and it really feels great to be able to order some things in regular sizes. I am not going to say that I am over the moon about underwear, but it is a nice feeling to know that I can wear normal sizes.

    Today will be a very long day. I am teaching from 8:00am to 8:00pm, and then we are driving to Houston (probably a 4-hour drive). When we get to the hotel, I am sure we will both be ready to collapse into bed immediately! My workday tomorrow begins at 8:00am again, although it is mercifully much shorter. In the evening we are going to the Davidoff event at the Blend Bar – the entire purpose for our trip to Houston, and the reason behind the timing of this trip. Yes, there will be fatigue, and the anxiety of working from a hotel room, but it will be worth it. We will look like a million bucks together as we enjoy our event… and our weekend away together.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 622

    I was only a wee bit disappointed to see that the numbers on the bathroom scale this morning were the same as they were yesterday morning. As I had previously written, it is not surprising after several days of dropping for it to stay the same (or even go up a little) for a day or two. Despite my decision to go out exercising after class yesterday (which I did not think I would have the opportunity to do this week) my weight stayed put. That’s quite alright… I would rather it stay put where it is than go up.

    There are two milestones that I would like to achieve before my next trip to Dallas (in just under three weeks):

    • I would like to drop below 240 lbs. (and then below 235 lbs.).
    • I would like to drop out of the Obesity Class I category.

    I am less than 10 lbs. away from not being obese for the first time in twenty-five years or more. I will still be, according to the Body Mass Index (BMI), be Overweight, but that is not nearly the same animal. I am a fifty-one year old man who has no aspirations to be an athlete, but I do want to prove to myself that obesity no longer needs to define me.

    I was rewarded last night, after logging my walk, to see that I have cracked the top 9% on the 2023 Challenge. Of 206,000 participants I am ranked 18,520; that puts me in the top 8.99% of participants. I never thought that I would crack into the top 10%… not even with half that number registered! I am not competing against them – I do not know who any of them are – I am just trying to push myself to be the best me that I can be, and if those faceless names attached to the other participants registered help to encourage my being more active then so be it… thanks Peep T. and Matthew H. and Bill J. for that.

    I suppose I did not get enough sleep once again last night. I am really feeling it this morning, and I am going to need to focus on staying awake and alert… not to mention relying on my pot of coffee to help that. I hope that I will get more sleep this evening, but that is entirely on me; I know what time my alarm is set for in the morning, so it is my responsibility to go to sleep earlier when I am feeling tired. After my walk last night I picked a very long cigar which kept me on the balcony rather later than I should have stayed out. This evening I will select a much shorter one… if I smoke one at all. I do have to teach until 9:15pm today, so a short cigar would still allow me to be in bed by 11:00pm. I will endeavour to be in bed and asleep by then.

    Today will be a long day, but I doubt it will be overly taxing. Yes, my daytime class is a bit of a challenge, but it is technology that I am pretty comfortable with, and I have a small and good group of students. My evening class is the same group I have been working with since July and I know the material cold, so I am not worried about that. Nonetheless I am still looking at a thirteen-hour day, so it will just be long. I know how to handle that.

    I also know that unlike these last few days I will not be out and about, which means I will not have the (convenient) ability to buy peanuts. My plan for today is to space my meal replacements out well enough so that my last one is before 8:00pm. I feel that the earlier I stop eating the better chance I have of a successful number on the scale the following morning. As I will not be exercising today, it is a good opportunity to test that theory.

    Have a great day folks!