Losing a part of me

Category: Progress

  • Day 1290

    I was in bed and asleep at a reasonable hour last night… but when I woke up to pee around 1:10am I got into my head. My worries over both of my children (who are of very different ages and who have very different problems right now) kept me awake for a couple of hours. My sleep before and after that was good, which is how I ended up with a sleep score of 67… but yeah, I had it pretty accurate – looking at the data from my fitness watch, I was awake from 1:06am to 3:06am. I likely would have slept another 30-60 minutes were it not from a phone call from my son the elder at 8:30am. I have heard from him more this past week than likely any time in the past decade, and I am so grateful for it! I will also not be upset with him for a phone call at 8:30am, even if it did wake me up. Sorry society, but that is not an unreasonable hour for a call!

    My weight dropped a full pound from yesterday! That brings my current weight loss to 28.2 lbs. in 24 days. That is certainly nothing to sneeze at! I did cheat with peanuts again yesterday, but I find that if I replace one meal replacement with a reasonable amount of unsalted peanuts then it does not harm my progress. It is when I have the peanuts in addition to my complement of meal replacements that I get into trouble. That, and the day of my exam when I ate salted peanuts (because that was what was available).

    Today will be a challenge because I am taking my son the younger for lunch. I know that I will be tempted, but I will do my best to stay strong. I cannot give in to temptation! I will also then take him grocery shopping, and the instructions from his mother are to let him buy what he wants. The only item I need for myself is coffee, and I hope I do not forget. If I do, then I will be scrambling tomorrow morning!

    It is another beautiful day, and my friend Eduardo is coming over this afternoon. He needs help with his computer, and I am always happy to see him. I doubt that his issues will take me more than a few minutes to solve, after which we will sit and enjoy a cigar on the balcony.

    I scheduled another certification exam for Wednesday because I have been asked to teach the class the following week. While it is certainly a topic I will not have any issues with, they want me to be certified so I will take the exam. I will also spend some time studying over the next few days – while I am not worried, I still want to be prepared. I spent more time studying for the CISSP exam than for any I have ever taken… and it felt good to know that pass or fail, I gave it my all. Seeing as I have work I need to do on Monday and Tuesday, I will spend some time this afternoon (after Eduardo leaves) and tomorrow with my head in the books.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1288

    With my weight down another pound this morning, I am, after three weeks, down 26.8 lbs., and while I am impatient with my slowed rate, and somewhat disappointed by the week-over-week loss of only 3.2 lbs., I nevertheless have to remember that while my commitment to the program has not wavered, nonetheless my strict adherence to it has this past week has not been great. It has also been quite an emotional week, what with my passing my exam, my son the elder going off to begin his Master Degree, of course that on top of all of the usual excrement that is pervasive in my life… I will take it and run.

    With all of that said, I have no excuses for this week coming… at least, not that I can think of. I will be taking care of my son the younger from this afternoon until next Wednesday – he will not be staying with me, but I will be dropping in to see him twice per day as his mother and her partner drive our son the elder down to university. She specified that I can take him out to eat only once maybe twice… and I will use her instructions as my excuse to him. For the times that we do go out to eat, I will simply not eat. If I am terribly tempted then I will do what I did Tuesday evening… I will order a plate of carrots and celery. I cannot allow anything to get in the way of my success. If in the next week I achieve the same weight loss as I did the last week then I will be able to say that in four weeks I dropped thirty pounds. If I falter? Well to put it bluntly then I will not succeed.

    I was in bed and asleep at a more reasonable hour last night, and while my sleep score was up, it was only a 75. Nothing to write home about. With regard to my other bodily functions, I have not been able to move my bowels this morning. Thinking back to how I was two weeks ago, I am tracking this because I do not want to be back in the position where I am in pain because of it… let alone such extreme pain as I was in on Day 8 (Day 1275). I know that I moved them yesterday, and that while I am not eating solid foods it is not always going to happen every day… but if I go more than two days without voiding my bowels then I am prepared to take the second of the two packets the pharmacist gave me that helped clear me out. I do not want to be in a position where I am in agony before I act.

    After I pop in to see my son this afternoon after my class, I then have to drive down to Grimsby again to meet with someone with whom I have been trying to connect for the last six weeks or so. For this meeting I have no choice but to meet at the resto-pub that I was at Tuesday… the man I am meeting with is the owner. I hope he does not get offended that I will refuse his hospitality but my diet cannot afford for me to eat. If he insists then I will accept the carrots and celery that I indulged in the other day.

    Last night as we sat on my balcony, it started to rain… and rain it did! I do not know how long it lasted, but this morning was notably cooler than it has been these last couple of weeks; they say the rain broke the heat wave. While it was not raining when Her Floofness and I were out, it was clear that it had rained quite a bit overnight. There is no more rain predicted for the day, and while the rest of the week’s forecast is sunny, the temperature predictions are definitely lower than they have been. It will not be chilly, but they will be seasonable.

    My goal for the day is to get through it, then go to see my son, and then get to Grimsby and back without breaking my program. Wish me luck!

  • Day 1280

    I have been a bit out of sorts since I woke up this morning. I did not sleep particularly well, and I am worried about how that will affect my entire day. My sleep score was only 60, and I know I was up several times throughout the night. A couple of times to pee… and a couple of times to fret about my exam. One way or another that will be behind me in six hours.

    The fibre that I have been adding to my meal replacements seems to be helping. Yay!

    The bathroom scale was kind to me this morning, with a day-over-day drop of nearly 1.5 lbs. On Day thirteen I am down twenty-three pounds, which is nothing to sneeze at. I always knew that Week 2 would be nowhere near as successful as Week 1 was, but I am still happy with the incredible ongoing progress I have made. To be clear, today is not the week-over-week weigh-in… that is not until tomorrow morning. With that said, in the last six days my weight is down 7.4 lbs.; even if I give back a couple of ounces from this morning’s huge drop tomorrow, I should still be down, on average, an amazing one-pound-per-day. I am getting ahead of myself though.

    This is going to be a very short journal entry. It is now 9:50am; I am planning to leave the house at 11:15am to get to the exam centre thirty minutes early, and I will spend the time until then doing some last minute studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1279

    I was going to say that I spent the morning procrastinating, but in truth I have been diligently writing emails that needed to be written. I have also (at long last) made an appointment to get my eyes checked (I suspect it has been three years since I did) so that I can then get new eyeglasses, which I suspect has been a problem for me the past year or so.

    While my bowels are again stopped up (It has now been two days since a successful movement) I am not worried because it has also been thirteen days since I last ate solid food, and …

    Okay, that was fortuitous timing. I was right in the middle of writing about it that I felt the urge, and was quite successful in the endeavour. Here’s to the fibre I have been (since Friday) religiously been remembering to add to my meal replacements in the morning!

    I have often in the past talked about how my clothes fit was a good indicator of my progress. I have a masonic ring that I purchased in the autumn which over the last couple of months has been quite tight on my ring finger. There have been days when I wore it on my pinky, and others when I did not wear it at all. These last couple of days it has fit much nicer – it is a bit tight going over the knuckles, but is comfortable to wear. I look forward to it being even a bit looser in the next few months.

    Yesterday I reported that my weight had, for the first morning weigh-in since I started on the program, was slightly up. This morning it righted itself, with a 1.6 lb. drop from yesterday (and a 1.2 lb. drop from the previous day). I was not discouraged yesterday; I know that there will be days when this happens, and I do not have to be worried or disheartened on those days. When it happens I need to remember that what tiny progress I lost on Day Q will usually more than be recovered on Day Q+1. As I have written in these pages so many times, weight loss is about the downward trend and not about individual plots on the graph.

    My sleep score last night was up from the abysmal previous night, partly owing I would think to the fact that it recorded 8.25 hours of sleep. It reported that I did not get enough REM sleep. Still and all, a sleep score of 75 is much better than yesterday’s 56. I’ll take it! How well will I sleep tonight? That depends on how prepared I feel for my exam… which is tomorrow. Right now I do not feel like I am adequately prepared. I have less than twenty-four hours to get just a little bit more prepared… if that is even possible.

    The company that offers the certification for which I am testing tomorrow is called ISC2, and I have been certified with them in other programs since December. I was made an Authorized ISC2 Instructor in April, and yesterday was my first delivery of one of their courses. The class was for the very basic entry-level certification, and is meant to be a 2-day course. The training provider scheduled it as a 1-day class, and I only saw the discrepancy over the weekend. I was worried that I would not be able to inject the class with my usual panache, and in the afternoon felt like I was rushing through material at a pace that nobody (or at least not a beginner, which is who entry level classes are for) would be able to follow. Even with cutting the lunch hour to forty-five minutes and with the rushing my lecture went over time by three minutes. With trepidation in my mind I nonetheless apologized for rushing through and asked the students to fill out their evaluations. When I read them this morning I was elated to see that yes, they all wanted to class to be longer… but gave the instructor perfect scores. That is the only metric that I am judged on, and I was quite relived to see it.

    I have to get working on my studies… there have been too many necessary distractions today and while none of them were wasting time, they were also not studying for my exam. The rest of the day will be dedicated to that. I’m not sure if I will write tomorrow’s entry before or after my exam, but one way or another I’ll see you all on the morrow.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1277

    It has been three months (and then some) since my fitness watch measured a sleep score of 89. Last night was bliss. I only slept 7.5 hours, but I woke up refreshed and ready to face the day.

    After ten complete days on the program, my weight has dropped slightly over twenty pounds. Yes, that is a great feat. I am still just about fifteen pounds heavier than I was the day my terrible issues started near the end of March. I will be past that in three weeks, mark my words. In fact, by Friday August 1 I would like to be there. I am hoping that it will not take as long, but within six weeks (from today) I would really like to drop below the terrible mark… and hopefully that will be the last time I ever cross that threshold in either direction.

    There are some things that are seldom discussed, and others that are just taken for granted. However, it has always been the purpose of this blog to be open with my journey. You read these past two days that Friday was a difficult day because of a blockage in my colon that affected my back as well as my bladder. All of that is behind me, but I was standing in the washroom last night peeing and thinking to myself how easy it is to take for granted the satisfaction from a strong urinary flow. I have been peeing well since the blockage cleared (as can be read in yesterday’s journal) but it has been consistent. I am trying to drink more water than I had been (which is hard because I was drinking a lot) so it is frequent, but knowing what it was like Friday to try to squeeze out a few drops… just a big relief.

    I placed an order for more meal replacements yesterday. I have enough shakes to last me until Friday midday, and I ordered two more weeks’ worth which should take me through the first week of August. If I can continue to order every two weeks then I think it will be easier to manage both from a financial and from a space standpoint – after all, the boxes are not small and do need to be stored. Two weeks at a time should be just fine.

    I will be at my desk working for most of the day today. Not only do I have to study for my exam (which is more important than anything else), and I also have to prepare for the class I am teaching tomorrow, but I also have to rebuild my demo lab environment. Owing partly to flaws in the version of Windows Server that I used, and partly to a very minor but critical error I made some weeks ago, the environment that I had built is no more… or at least, a lot of work needs to be done to restore it. That work will be done today (and in fact is already underway) so that tomorrow during class I will be able to demonstrate my concepts should I need to. In other words… it’s going to be a long day for me.

    I have been having issues with the computer keyboards that I have. I have three of them but one the keys stick (especially when it is humid, but not exclusively); one of them some of the keys do not work unless you hit them twice. The last one (the one that I had been using) seems to randomly pop open other windows as I type – as an example, if I am typing into a web browser it might randomly open a new tab. While it is possible that it happens because I am fat-fingering, I suspect that it happens far too often and far too consistently for that to be the reason. Either way, I need to be able to type quickly and reliably without needing to constantly delete fifteen consecutive characters after a key stick, or having to stop six times mid-post so that I can close out new tabs and then find the original browser tab that I had been working in. I do not consider myself extravagant with regard to keyboards – the three that I have include one that was purchased for me by my company six years ago, one that was gifted to me, and one that I needed for a second computer (on which I needed to be able to type simultaneously and without needing to un-plug and re-plug the keyboard. I did not order a cheap keyboard, but I also did not go wild. I am hoping that this Bluetooth Logitech keyboard and mouse set will last me for years to come. It will arrive tomorrow. Yay.

    I suppose, with that, I have procrastinated quite enough for the day and should be getting to work. Actually, I have been working on the servers all this time, but only on reinstalling the host operating system on the two physical servers… and copying the contents of my Storage Area Network (SAN) onto a physical disk so I can re-configure the SAN while I am at it. I will take 30 minutes to prepare my notes for tomorrow’s class, and will then spend the remainder of the day studying.

    …and I should mention that this keyboard is sticking as well. I wonder if it is the humidity? Just in case that is the case I have closed the balcony door and turned on the air conditioner. That will drastically lower the ambient humidity of the apartment!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1275

    It felt like I was walking around with an anvil on my back from the moment I could not sit my exam on Tuesday until the minute I received an email from ISC2 at 2:00pm yesterday afternoon telling me how I could now rebook my exam. Precisely forty-nine hours and fifteen minutes. That weight is now gone, leaving the weight of preparing for what is likely the hardest exam that I have taken in a long time and the stress and anxiety that goes along with that… but there is a deadline for that which is next Wednesday at noon. Suffice it to say I am not making any social plans for this weekend so that I can prepare for the exam, as well as for the class that I am teaching Monday. I maintain a spreadsheet of every certification exam I have ever sat, and for the first time ever I created that new line for my upcoming exam in advance. Why? I do not really know, but it likely has something to do with my anxiety.

    My food intake yesterday was in most respects identical to the previous day. Aside from two things I was able to stick to my program again, but when I got into my car to drive out to the cigar shop I realized the remaining peanuts from what I had purchased the previous day were there, so I finished them. Additionally, once again felt the need late at night to take a pinch of grated cheese. I can assure you that Princess Sophie is happy that I continue to need that as she always benefits from it.

    Even with the cheese my weight continues to drop at a rate of not quite one pound per day, which is tremendous. At this rate (which of course will not continue) I could not only drop below the terrible mark in the next month, but also by winter I could be back in almost all of my tailor fitted shirts and jackets! Wouldn’t that be something… but we have to assume that within the next week or two that rate will drop to 3 lbs. per week, which means that it is going to be springtime before I am back to where I was when I was at my lowest weight and then started slipping. I never want to be this big again… but of course I have said that before.

    My sleep score this morning was the best it has been since June 19, with the comment that it was restorative. It was such a relief after the previous night’s problems with my back that kept me awake. The only thing I took (which I do almost every night) is melatonin. I did wake up a couple of times to pee but other than that I had no problems. I had been worried the last few weeks that it was Princess Sophie sleeping in my bed that caused my sleep issues, but that was obviously not the case last night. Woohoo!

    I was reminded yesterday of two masonic events coming up this summer that I am being encouraged to attend. I made the conscious decision to decline both as they are both food-centric. I do not need to attend a corn roast as (I love sweet corn, especially in season!) and I do not need to attend a fish fry, as much as I enjoy fried fish. I was not at all tempted (nor was it even suggested I attend) by the pig roast that one of the lodges is holding. Religious observations aside, I am satisfied with the progress I have made thus far, but I do not think I am ready to subject myself to temptations. I do not think I have the willpower to resist yet.

    My plans for the day are to read, study, and smoke cigars. I was thinking that I had a couple of things I needed to pick up from the store, but I decided to order them from Amazon instead.

    In the last hour I have been experiencing more discomfort that feels somewhat similar to what I was feeling a couple of nights ago, but while it is radiating into my back, it feels like it might be related to my digestive tract. It feels like something extremely solid (akin to every other bowel movement I have had this past week) is lodged in there and is applying pressure to both my bladder and a couple of other nerves. It has gotten much worse – so much so that in the middle of this paragraph I got up, found a laxative, and then decided to take a shower to try to ease the discomfort. It might be a little better now than it was thirty minutes ago, but I am definitely looking forward to the time when the laxative begins to work. While writing these last three paragraphs I have had to stand up several times to alleviate the discomfort. Suffice it to say that as soon as I am finished with this journal entry I will be shutting my computer down for the next few hours. Hopefully my ‘throne’ chair on the balcony will be more comfortable. By the way, the answer is yes, I have been adding fibre to my meal replacements at least once per day. My program, being an extreme one, is going to cause disruptions to my body. This is not the first time I have started this same program, and I have experienced changes each time… and not the same each time. I know I have had some discomfort in the past and I only hope that this abates over the course of the day so that I do not have to reconsider staying on the program. Of course my first course of action would be to reincorporate a single solid meal per day… but I am hoping that can wait for a few weeks at the least. I would love to get down well below the terrible mark before I have to do that… but my health comes first, and if I have to then I will do it sooner.

    Okay, it is time for me to grab my book and a cigar and to see if my throne is more comfortable than this desk chair. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1089

    Another day in front of the computer, another pound dropped. Yes, as I am eating less frequently it stands to reason that I am losing weight.

    I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon to get a vaccine for a disease that I am pretty sure I will never get, but it is a requirement. Okay, fine. Aside from that, I have a lot of studying to do and will be at my computer most of the day.

    I slept much better last night… at least, according to my fitness watch. A sleep score of 88 and it really did feel good. My body battery only got up to a 60 which means that I likely need a couple more days of good sleep, as well as some exercise, to get that up. My knee and back are still aching, but both seem to be on the upswing. Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll be able to get onto the treadmill.

  • Day 1049

    I am always pleased when I see good numbers on the bathroom scale. It has dropped seven of the last eight days, for a total loss in that time of 11.8 lbs. Woohoo!

    There are times when numbers are important, and there are times when they can have a deceptive or misleading affect on us. Why is it that I see a difference of two or three points on my sleep score as being relevant? A few days ago I was disappointed that it was only a 79, yet this morning I was thrilled that it was 82. It does not make sense, but there we have it. It is not as if I am taking a test, and the difference between passing and failing is those three points. Yes, my sleep score was 82… and I woke up after eight hours of sleep… at 5:45am. I should mention that I did not change my routine last night, and I did not wake up with a headache. Maybe I am getting used to the new element.

    I got a lot done yesterday, and I still managed to get onto the treadmill for 5km… although I was dragging a bit and decided to slow my pace for the last kilometre. With that, and this morning’s walk with Her Floofness, I am under 4km from reaching the 1024kms goal of the fitness challenge. If I get on the treadmill today, then I will achieve it. If not, then it will be tomorrow morning. Either way, I am glad that I am approaching the finish line on that. I am hoping that I will be able to keep this habit going into the new year and beyond.

    I am meeting friends for dinner this evening and I am going to have to be careful, and possibly even deceitful. They are in from out of town, so I want to see them, but eating out is not a good idea. I am likely going to tell them that I am not feeling well so I will just have a drink as they eat. We’ll see.

    I am actually meeting someone else for coffee this morning, but he is local and that is a business meeting. Still and all, he is going to offer to buy me a muffin or doughnut. That is going to be easy to decline. He is a larger man and likely understands the challenges of taking it off and keeping it off. With him it will be easy to say ‘Sorry, I am on a diet… but you should enjoy one.’

    I realized last night that I had volunteered to make potato latkes for my Lodge’s holiday dinner (which is December 17th). When I discussed it with Leslie she agreed that it was a very bad idea… there is too much temptation for me to make such a dish while I am on a strict diet. I decided that I am going to let them know that I will not be able to deliver on that promise. It is bad enough that I will be eating the turkey dinner that night… deep-fried latkes would not be a smart addition to it.

    As I prepare to close out this article, I am looking at the bottom of the page in my Microsoft Word document. The page number is 999, which means that unless I am very short tomorrow, then I will cross that threshold on Day 1050. I know that over the last 1049 days I have had a lot of good days and too many bad ones, but I think it is this journal that has, more than anything, kept me from falling off the cliff completely. There were days when I was angry and just posted a word or two… and there were a number of days when I forgot to write but got back to it the next day. Each time I open this document I am reminded that I need to try to do better today than I did yesterday. That is my goal.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1033

    I was disappointed this morning when there was no drop on the bathroom scale. I suppose that when I cannot move my bowels that is more likely to happen. As usual, I took Princess Sophie for her walk, then as I was preparing breakfast I felt the need to go. I had not eaten yet so I was still within my own self-set guidelines, so I stripped down and weighed myself again. I did not recover all of the weight I had gained yesterday morning, but at least I was down half a pound.

    I did not sleep very well and have a packed day today. I will at least try to eat well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 965

    We remember.

    I went out for a good walk yesterday after lunch. I wanted to jog the first kilometre, but I was having trouble, so I jogged the first half, then the first and last quarter of the second kilometre. In other words, I still jogged a kilometre, just not in a row. I did keep up a tremendous pace for the entire nine kilometres I was out, with only one kilometre coming in over 9m40s. I was quite pleased with the effort!

    Last night did not go anywhere near according to plan. Leslie had a call at 7:00pm, after which we were going to sit on the balcony with an exceptionally fine cigar and a couple of glasses of Cuban rum. When she came out to tell me she needed to see a doctor, I sprang into action. Before any of you ask, 1) No, I will not go into any further detail; and 2) She is fine. After being told to F&ck off by my usual walk-in clinic (very angry with them), we headed to the ER at the hospital in Hamilton. We were out by 10:45, got her meds (thank you to Lisa at Shoppers Drug Mart!) and headed home. While we did sit on the balcony to enjoy a biscuit as we calmed down, the cigars and rum were put away to be enjoyed this evening.

    My weight was down slightly this morning, for which I am thankful. Three cookies at 11:30pm could have made this morning much less pleasant. I will go for another walk today, and hopefully I will continue this downward trend. In the meantime, I am at my lowest weight since June 30, when I weighed in at .2 lb. lower than this morning. While I am not crossing numbers off on the fridge chart, I am making good progress… I am now 9.6 lbs. down since Saturday morning, and that is nothing to sneeze at!

    Have a great day folks!