Losing a part of me

Category: Progress

  • Day 650

    My friend and rabbi sent out an email this morning suggesting, as we as a people are enduring these terrible times, that we write two things that we are grateful for in a journal every day this month. As this is my journal, I should start with that. I am grateful that. I am grateful that I have the friends and loved ones that I do. My life is not perfect but I am sitting ten feet from my wife whom I love dearly. When we consider the odds of us meeting were truly amazing, I am grateful that we found each other. I am grateful that despite the hardships that we are living with (separated by geography most of the time until we can finally get approval to live together) we can afford to visit each other often and spend time together. I am grateful that despite the growing pains of our relationship that we are able to work out our differences and continue to grow as a couple.

    I am back on track with my weight loss. While I am still 5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever, I am 2 lbs. lighter than I was yesterday, and 1 lb. lighter than I have been any day since I arrived in Texas. I am happy with that. I am especially happy knowing what I ate yesterday. Breakfast was mostly the same omelette, although since I did not have the right amount of eggs, I added a couple of slices of toast. I spent several hours helping a buddy’s mother with her computer issues, and while I was there her daughter brought us lunch – hamburgers and French fries from Wendy’s. This meal alone might have put an end to any hopes I might have had of happy news from the bathroom scale. It was our last night together alone before Leslie’s son comes home, so I offered to prepare dinner – I bought us salmon (which I prepared with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs) and two potatoes (which I sliced up and tossed with a very little bit of sesame oil and served as air-fried potatoes). After dinner we also indulged in a small sweetie (a pastry straw filled with hazelnut. Yum!) We shared a bottle of wine. All in all, I might have expected my weight to be up from yesterday but it was not. Perhaps that is another thing that I am grateful for.

    I had my regular omelette for breakfast this morning, and I will spend a few hours at the cigar lounge doing some work. I have a bunch of emails I need to answer. I also need to try to make sure that everything I had on my old phone is transferred to the new one (which arrived yesterday) so that I can bring the old phone to Verizon (we traded in). I might have a salad for lunch. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening and will trust Leslie to pick up whatever she and our boy are going to eat for me as well.

    It would be nice if I can stay on track, and tomorrow I can see another decent drop from the bathroom scale. I suspected from the beginning that I would gain a few pounds during this trip. My hopes and goal is that I do not gain too much. I currently weigh two pounds more than my weigh-in from the day before I left Canada. I am painfully aware that I have weighed as much as five pounds more than that since arriving. If I could stay around where I am this morning then it will be a success.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 635

    In the late summer of 2020 I optimistically bought several pair of pants in a Size 36. They did not fit me yet, but within a month of two they would. I was making great progress and I had no doubt that they would fit me soon. I do not remember how much I spent on them but the thought that they would fit me soon made me feel amazing. I had no idea that I was about to fall off a cliff from which I would never recover… at least, not until I had hit rock bottom again.

    In the early days of my weight loss journey I separated all of my clothes that did not fit into bins that were labeled by size. As I have lost weight, I have gradually gone from six bins down to one. This morning I decided to pull that last bin out of the closet to see where I was at.

    There were several pair of pants in the bin, and of course they would not all fit the same. Trying on the first pair there was no hope for them – my gut cannot be sucked in nearly enough to close the gap needed. Those would have to wait a while longer. I knew that the Levi’s jeans – there are three pair of them – will not fit yet. I did not even pull them out. I then tried on the last two pair – one Dockers and one Timberland – and… they fit! For the first time in memory I am wearing Size 36 pants… and yes, I am wearing them comfortably.

    If you remember back a month or so ago I wrote that I would no longer be wearing my pants under my belly, but around my waist as they are intended. I am certain that every pair of pants and jeans in that bin would fit just fine under my belly, but that is not how I will be wearing my pants going forward. I put those pair that did not fit back into the bin and will revisit them in a few weeks. For now, I am thrilled with this non-scale victory!

    After a 12.75km walk yesterday (which included a kilometre jogging at 5.56 min/km) I was hoping that my weight would drop more than a pound this morning. Hoping… but not expecting. I know, when I have bad cheat days it can take a few extra days to get back to where I was. I gained nearly three pounds overnight; it will take a few days to lose them again. The best I can do is to make sure that I stay on track the next few days so that I will lose them before I fly to Dallas in five days.

    I had trouble falling asleep last night, but there was no good reason for it. I got into bed and I closed my eyes… an hour later I realized that I was still lying there contemplating the universe. I suspect I had a cup of coffee later in the afternoon (or early evening) than I usually would, and I paid for it with my wakefulness. Lesson learned: no late-night coffee! This is not a new lesson of course, but no matter how much I dislike wasting things… when I realize at 5:30pm that there is coffee left in the decanter I would do well to throw it out rather than throwing it into a cup to heat up in the microwave.

    I do not have much to report today. I will stay on track! I will see how my legs are feeling before I embark upon another mammoth walk, but if I do not then at least I can walk to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. I have a lot of prep work to do for my class next week, so that should keep me busy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 631

    I did not expect my weight would be down this morning. I certainly did not expect that it would be down 2.4 lbs. from yesterday. Wow! I am now within .6 lb. of my best weight ever from Saturday. I will keep on track as best I can!

    Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought chicken and vegetables. I cooked the chicken with spices in the air fryer and I prepared an Israeli salad (with balsamic vinegar instead of lemon juice or white vinegar). The meal was finished, and the dishes put away by 5:30pm, and I ate nothing else the rest of the evening. I was not hungry; if I had been then I would have prepared a meal replacement shake. All was good though.

    I am going to enjoy a cigar date with my wife in a few minutes. After that I will prepare an identical meal as the one I ate yesterday. Because I will be eating much earlier today than I did yesterday I fully expect to need a meal replacement sometime either before my class, or else during the break. We will see.

    I am counting down the days until I get onto an airplane to go see my wife. Our time apart keeps getting harder for both of us. It is likely that this time is even harder for us as I try to get orders to deploy overseas. This war is not easy on anyone. My list of prayers for the Sabbath is too much longer today than it was just a week ago.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 618

    I exceeded my expectations on the jog/walk yesterday. I jogged the first 2km (which is what I was hoping for) and walked another 14km. Had I not had that bag of chips last night my weight would have definitely been down this morning. As it stands, it was .2 lb. up, which is much better than it might have been.

    I have to stop making excuses that ‘Oh, I exercised like crazy today, so I deserve (or can get away with) this.’ The math has always been simple: When I follow the program, I lose weight. When I veer from the program I do not. QED.

    I am likely taking the day off from exercising today. I have a lot of work and studying to do which I should have done yesterday but did not. I am now on the balcony with a coffee and a cigar and nothing else to do but that.

    I did achieve one nice non-scale victory yesterday. In March and April I talked about the MapMyFitness.com challenge to walk/run 1,023 kilometres in the year 2023. When I first wrote about it there were a little over 130,000 participants registered, and I was happy that when I first wrote about it (Day 427) I was in the top 25%. Within a few weeks (Day 448) the number of registrants had risen to 141,000 but I had jumped into the top 18.6%. Less than a week later I was in the top 16%. This morning, with more than 205,000 participants in the contest, I am now ranked in the Top 9.85%. That puts me ahead of nearly 185,000 others. I am under no delusion that I will either crack the top 5% or win the prize (which I understand will be drawn at random of everyone who completes the 1,023kms) but none of that matters; what does matter is that I am sticking with it and that I am improving myself.

    Yes, I had a pretty bad lapse which saw me gain 25 lbs. while not doing any exercising to speak of for a few months, but I am back on track. Despite that stumble I weigh 6.1kg less than I did that first day of the challenge; I could look at that as ‘I only lost 13.5 lbs. in six months which is terrible.’ I choose instead to look at it as ‘I had a bad couple of months but have recovered and am back on track and have now lost 29 lbs. in the last 2.5 months and have lost about 150 lbs. on this journey.’

    It is equally important to recognise our successes as our failures. It is the only way that we can maintain a positive attitude. Thomas Edison once said that he did not fail 2,000 times… he simply discovered 2,000 ways how to not make a lightbulb. I am not inventing anything that will change the world… but I am following a program and a plan that will change my world (and possibly my wife’s) for the better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 616

    I continue to make progress. This morning I am 1.4 lbs. heavier than I was the morning that I left for California which means that I am within easy reach of surpassing that and stepping back into the waters of Best Weight Ever Lake. Within a few days or so I should be there again!

    I was mostly good yesterday but this morning after my dentist appointment I stopped at Bulk Barn and picked up some almonds. I have to stop doing that. While I do have a lot of work to do today, I am also planning to go out for a long jog/walk. I think I will do that when I finish writing today’s journal entry.

    This evening I have a meeting with my weight loss buddy. We did not check in last week because I was on vacation but hopefully we will be back on schedule now. I look forward to hearing how well she is doing. I was so excited last Wednesday to tell her that I had dropped below 245 lbs., and frankly after this past week I am not terribly upset to be back above that milestone; I am comforted by the fact that I am less than a whole pound above it after the week I had. Okay, I am 1.4 lbs. above my best weight ever, and on my way back down after a week of indulgences. How am I getting back on track? Eating properly (today’s almonds notwithstanding) and a whole lot of walking and jogging. That is what I need to do in order to continue to lose weight.

    It’s a lovely day out there and I am going to make the most of it. I do have a few errands I need to run but nothing too stressful. I will go out for two hours, and then when I come back I will make my phone calls and do my studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 606

    I wrote yesterday that it had taken nine days from crossing off 250 lbs. to crossing off the next number (248.0) on the sheet on my fridge. Even with the amazing exercise I did yesterday I did not expect that I would be taking another triumphant walk to that sheet again before I returned from California. Knowing that I did not stick to the program yesterday I was doubtful I would see any progress on the bathroom scale… although thanks to the exercise I did not expect to lose any ground either. How thrilled was I then to step onto that appliance with which I have a longstanding love/hate relationship and see a drop? It was no minor drop either… I weigh 2.2 lbs. less this morning than I did yesterday! While it will be impossible to know for sure, another half-decent (and not even extreme) drop from today to tomorrow will mean that I am actually going to fly to California below 245 lbs… and I will have officially lost one hundred and fifty pounds.

    Why impossible, you might ask? With my flight scheduled for 7:00am I will be leaving the house at 3:30am to drive to the airport. Even if I was not planning to pack the bathroom scale to take with me, a 3:00am weigh-in is meaningless. I will step onto the scale Wednesday morning in the hotel room when I know my weight will be up a pound or two because of the travel day, but I will still be in good stead compared to where I was a week ago. During the trip to California having the scale there will help me (as I have discussed), but I do not expect to return from the trip weighing less than I did this morning. My goal is to not weigh over 250 lbs.

    I went for my longest walk in months yesterday and I felt amazing for it. I will go for another outing this afternoon, although I will consciously not exert myself to the extent that I did yesterday. The 15km that I walked yesterday was amazing and it felt great, but I did not have to spend the following day on airplanes. I will plan for a 10-12 kilometre walk today, and no more.

    The timing of yesterday’s walk screwed with my meal replacements. I had intended to prepare a meal replacement before going out, but something distracted me. When I returned it was after 4:00pm. While this was not my plan at the time what I ended up doing was this: I had a meal replacement immediately after my shower, and then at 9:30pm (way too late, I know!) I made an omelette. The omelette was not only an aberration from the program, but it was also way too late, which is why I was fully expecting to not lose weight today. I should mention that while both of these facts are true, I was still allowed (according to my modified program) 450 calories on the day; the omelette I prepared accounts for about 350 calories, with 27g of protein and only 14g of carbohydrates. As far as cheating goes, this was not much of one!

    I have to pack my suitcase today! I am very excited about that. No, I do not enjoy packing. When packing means that I will be seeing my wife shortly then it is a happy chore indeed! Speaking of my wife, I am going to take a bit of time this morning to have a video cigar date with her. After today our next cigar date will be together. Yay!

    The next journal entry I write will be from the airport tomorrow morning. I know that I will be eating my breakfast in the airport, and I will be careful to not indulge. I must not allow myself those breakfast potatoes which I do not love but never seem able to resist. I will do so tomorrow. Wish me luck!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 605

    I wonder if the tremendous loss that I recorded on the bathroom scale this morning was my body catching up with the week that it spent messing with my head, or if it was because the weight of this week’s anxiety and stress drained from my mind and body throughout the day yesterday. Whatever it is, I was 2.8 lbs. down from yesterday morning… and 1.6 lbs. down from my previous best weight! You read that right… This morning I am once again at my best weight ever! This despite my eating another hearty dinner of chicken and broccoli last night. Happy New Year indeed!

    Adding to the elation of all that, my BMI is now below 32 for the first time (it peaked around 49.7 when I began this journey), and my BMR is down to 1958 (down from about 2900 at the outset). The bathroom scale might have known that it has not been nice to me this past week and it just wanted to make it up to me… but unless it really changes its mind in the next two days then I will be flying to California under 250 lbs… and while I would need to see another significant drop in the next forty-eight hours to get to 245 lbs. (as I had hoped I might just a couple of weeks ago), I might just be closer to that goal than my last one.

    Speaking of goals… I crossed another number off on my refrigerator this morning. It took nine days from the day I hit 250.0 until I dropped below 248.0, but I walked triumphantly to that paper and crossed it off triumphantly right after Floof and I got back from our walk. I don’t think either Leslie or I care who wins that bet that we made but I know that we are both doing very well… and the fact that we are encouraging each other makes it a victory for both of us!

    I am hoping that I will not be tempted to veer from my program today. Let me rephrase that: Of course I realize that I will be tempted to veer, but I am going to do my best to stay on track. I had a lovely omelette this morning, and for the rest of the day I will endeavour to have three meal replacements (properly timed), the rest of my coffee, a lot of water, and a cigar… or more likely two. As I have told many people, cigars are non-fat, zero calories, keto and gluten free, so if I indulge then the only affect it will likely have on my weight is to distract me from wanting to eat. I am also hoping to go for a good jog/walk today. I had planned to yesterday, and then I sat down to the task of changing passwords, one that I started earlier in the week when I realized how many older and reused passwords I had. It is not something that many people think of, but changing a password can take a couple of minutes; if it only takes 2 minutes to change one password then it is worth it, right? Well I had 275 passwords that needed changing and while I had probably gotten through fifty of them during the week, that left 225 or so that I changed yesterday. That makes 7.5 hours of effort! By the time I looked up from it I realized I had not only missed my first meal replacement of the day, but it was actually dinner time. I will do better today… and should sleep a little easier knowing that my password manager security score has gone from an abysmal 43% to a very respectable 82.4%. For someone who claims to be a cybersecurity-minded guy I do not think this was a waste of time.

    I suppose I should not sit at the computer all day again… it looks to be a beautiful day outside and I am going to take advantage of that. In fact it is my intention to turn the computer off in a few minutes and to not turn it on again until tomorrow. I don’t know if that is realistic, but I think I can give it a go.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 596

    As of this morning I am once again at my best weight ever. It is a tie – I did not break it yet, but I have officially recovered from the terrible slide that began right at the end of May. This morning the bathroom scale reported that I weigh exactly what I weighed the morning of May 27th… after which is all went downhill. On July 11 I weighed just under 25 lbs. heavier than I did… and than I do. What do I do now? I make sure to keep going. Like any good addict I will not say that I will never cheat; I will say that I am not going to cheat today.

    I did not exercise yesterday because of my class, after which I was so exhausted, I could hardly believe it. I also really felt like cheating. I spent an hour sitting at the kitchen table chewing gum and watching TV for an hour before I got hold of myself and called Leslie. We had a wonderful video date during which she could not help but notice how tired I was. I suppose we all have days like that, don’t we?

    My diet buddy and I had our check-in call last night. It is always good to talk with her and to remember that we have come so far. We help each other with a lot of the psychological issues that we face; last night we discussed how it is likely that we will spend the rest of our lives being offended by things people say… and traumatized by things people have said to us as far back as high school. I am really looking forward to not being overweight, but I will always have a fat man inside me who is ashamed of it… even now, knowing I am not usually the most overweight person in the room.

    I wore my dress pants around my hips yesterday and they fit fine. I am so happy about that, not only because it means that I do not need to spend the extra money on pants when I go to the clothiers next month, but also because it means that I am actually able to use my hips! I did not mention that the previous day I had worn my jogging belt above my hips, and it fit just fine… although the bottle that I brought was not very comfortable in it. I ordered two new ones which arrived yesterday, and I will take them out for a spin later today. Yet another non-scale victory that I can be proud of!

    I have given a lot of thought recently to eating disorders. I do not know when mine developed, although I suppose there are a lot of signs that could point me in the right direction. I am a food addict. Is it healthy? No. Is it something I can overcome? I have been working so hard these last 596 days to do so… and several years before that. What of people with other eating disorders? What about someone who gains weight because of a combination of psychological trauma and medication, who finally finds a program that might work for them, and is then afraid that if they veer from the program even a little that they will be a failure? I have spoken with so many people who have done this program over the past few years and I know people who have real psychological traumas that might make such an extreme program a bad idea. I did not fully understand when I first went through the program in 2017, why the team at the clinic consisted of not only doctors and nurses, but also psychologists and other mental health workers. Having spoken with so many people whose experiences have been so different from mine I understand now why… and why some people were not successful. Looking back, I wonder if it doesn’t make sense that the company that makes the meal replacements only sells them through medical facilities. I consider myself to be pretty psychologically sound, and I have had real difficulties with the program. How much more challenging might it be for someone whose demons are fresh and strong? I think it makes sense, looking at it after having spoken with some other people, to not let people do the program without close supervision from a team of professionals who know and understand the program. I am happy that my doctor agrees to see me every month, but does she really understand my program? My older doctor did, but I do not think I have ever explained to the new one what the program is. I see her when I get back from California. I should probably talk to her more about it.

    It is time to get moving. I am torn about what to do first but will chat with Leslie and ask her thoughts. I am supposed to see a friend this afternoon. The last time I saw him I cheated on the program. That will not happen today.

    The topic of conversation with every fur-parent we met on our morning walk this morning was how much more comfortable the weather is today, and how they are all glad that the heatwave is behind us. I reminded them all that we live in Canada and that winter is coming. With that said, I am going to try to fit an exercise outing in today. Hopefully my buddy won’t mind my not coming as early as he wanted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 594

    That’s more like it. According to the bathroom scale, as of this morning I am back on track. I wonder if it is just my body adjusting to the season (September is, after all, a whole new thing!), or if it was just a blip of sympathy for my wife whose progress is not going nearly as well as she would like (despite her following the full program religiously). Or maybe, just maybe, it might have to do with the 12.5km outing I did in the heat yesterday (2km jogging, 10.5km walking, 32° and sunny).

    With that the number is back down to three… or four if you include today. I weighed less than I do today from May 25-27, and that is it. My BMI is tied with those days. I am less than half a pound from tying my best weight ever. This is exciting! If you think I am not jogging and walking again today, then you are just not grasping how it feels to be this close.

    I did screw up a little though. Yesterday I set out for my walk at 4:05pm. I did stop for a couple of breaks along the way (very short ones – once to buy more water and Gatorade). By the time I came back in it was nearly 6:20pm; I showered (obviously) and was ready to make my second meal replacement of the day when Her Royal Floofness looked at me and told me that she needed to go out. We only walked to the park, but she decided that she wanted to sit in the bleachers of the baseball diamond for a little while. We did not walk back into the house until 7:20pm. I made my meal replacement, but I also knew that I would not be able to get my third one in unless I broke my rule about eating very late. I went to bed a little hungry, but not terribly so. Then there is the matter that I stepped onto the bathroom scale for a pleasant surprise this morning. Okay, maybe whatever I did yesterday worked out!

    In a few moments I am going to have a cigar date with my wife. After that I will go for my jog/walk. I will spend the afternoon preparing demos for my class tomorrow. I am excited about that. Today is either the second or the third day in a row without a bowel movement, but I am hoping that later in the day that comes.

    Oh, and I have a non-scale victory to report! When I first started walking, I tried to wear the fanny pack water belt that I had from when I was jogging in my 30s (when I was married to my first wife). There was nothing I could do to keep it on, and so I replaced it with the shoulder pouches. Now that I have viable hips again, I tried it on this morning… and it looks like it will fit just fine! I am going to order the bottles for it and will begin using it. I know that the shoulder pouch works, but it is slightly uncomfortable. This might just do the trick. Yay!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 590

    I do not know why but yesterday evening was extremely difficult for me. I was feeling weak and like I wanted to give up. I knew that I had the provisions to make any number of cheat meals after my class… pasta, tuna or salmon salad… well, maybe not a huge number, but at least a couple. I was lonely – Leslie was with her son and Princess Sophie was next door with her friend – and I sat at the kitchen table staring at my tablet. I did not even go onto the balcony to have a cigar. I just sat at the table and did something I have not done in a long time: I kept taking a piece of gum, chewing it until the newness of the flavour started to fade, and then spit it out and took a new piece. I’m sure by the time I was done I could have made a squash ball from what I had spit out.

    I might have gone through half a cup of bubble gum… but somehow, I managed to not cheat. I went to bed almost shocked that I made it through the evening without breaking my program.

    I know the days of losing multiple pounds in a day are behind me (unless I cheated for a few days, gained a lot, and then went back onto the program). Still, I confess I was hoping for a massive drop when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning. It would have felt wonderful to be able to walk over to the fridge and cross another number off. Of course this was unrealistic… I crossed off 252 only yesterday morning so expecting to drop below 250 today was just unrealistic. I did drop .4 lb., and I am satisfied with that.

    I did not get as much studying done as I had hoped, although I did finish the last of the course videos I needed to watch. I went out for a jog/walk (third day in a row) and while I really did not feel like going on, I did manage to jog the first kilometre and then walked another eleven. I needed to take a break after 7.2km so I sat down to rest at the corner of Appleby Line and Dundas… but after five minutes I forced myself to continue. I suspected my pace slackened a little, but it turns out that my overall pace was better than the previous day… even though Thursday I jogged 1.5km and yesterday only 1km.

    My class wrapped up about where I hoped it would, and we now have a break for the next week. I challenged them to see how many could pass the exam for the first section before we come back, and I suspect there will be at least a couple of takers. I look forward to hearing of their successes. I remember the day I passed my first certification exam. It was March 31, 2003. What I thought at the time to be the greatest credential – Microsoft Certified Professional – was earned by passing Exam 70-210 (Windows 2000 Professional). I went out and got business cards printed with my fancy new logo, and I walked into my office and quit my job. It changed my life. Hopefully it will have a positive (if less harsh and bumpy) effect on some of my students as well.

    I am not sure if I wrote that I successfully moved my bowels yesterday, but I did… and when I cleaned myself up, I noticed there was bright red blood on the paper. I will keep an eye on that, but the fact that it was bright red worries me much less than if it had been darker. Most likely the sharpness of the stool cut the outsides a little. If it were internal bleeding it would have been darker. Nonetheless I will make sure to add a little more fibre to my diet the next few days.

    I have to shop today. I am not happy about that and am going to do my best to get into and out of the supermarket as quickly as possible. I have enough eggs for tomorrow’s omelette, but that is it. I am also completely out of shredded cheese and am almost out of hot sauce. If one wonders if I am a creature of habit, then one need only look at my breakfast while I am on this program. It changes occasionally only in what vegetables I add to the omelette… and which hot sauce I use. Hey, it works, right? As long as I am not cheating the rest of the day then I know that this breakfast is harmless to my weight loss. Would I be losing weight quicker if I were on the strict program? It is possible… but it would be an insignificant improvement when put in the balance against the fact that I suspect it has kept me from cheating more often than I do. I started this paragraph anticipating my trip to the supermarket; I will buy eggs, shredded cheese, Cholula, Tabasco, and milk… and nothing more. I have to summon the internal fortitude to stay away from the peanuts… and every other temptation I might come across in those aisles.

    Today is the first day of our September heat wave; that is to say that the weather, which has been reminiscent of mid-autumn this past week, should turn much hotter going forward. While today’s forecast high temperature is only 25°, tomorrow that jumps to 31°, then 33° for the following few days. There is no precipitation in there anywhere. Today’s gorgeous weather will be enjoyed on the patio at Lyle and Dorothy’s house, as Dorothy is away for the day with her father (leaving Lyle with no car). No matter, I enjoy going there; my only concern is that I seem to be drawn to Bulk Barn with I go there. I am going to have to pay special care to not cheat today, what with that and my trip to the supermarket.

    Tomorrow the plan is to see Eduardo and Sam. I am still unsure if they are coming here or if I am going to see them, and if I am driving there, I will once again have to focus on not cheating. It is really much easier when I am not getting into my car. I was thinking yesterday during my walk as I passed a fast food restaurant and, realizing how intoxicating the smells emanating from the place were, I was still not tempted to stop. I was exercising, and that garbage (and I know that it is garbage, no matter how good it might smell) would destroy the progress I had made on my walk… to say nothing of the last five hundred and ninety days of doing so well. It is different when I am driving, and I am not sure that I can adequately explain it even to myself. When I am walking, I am actively participating in my diet and working toward my success. In the car I am simply driving, in a conveyance, with no stake in my success or failure. There is nothing to remind me of the hardships I have endured to get as far as I have, nor how uncomfortable I was when I was fatter. I have to remember when I drive to stay more mindful than I normally might be for fear of how easy it would be to cheat… just a little. It has been over a year since I last took myself for fast food… peanuts are a different story though, aren’t they?

    Okay, it is time for me to get at it. I am going to head to the supermarket and come back quickly so that I do not have to remember to do so after Lyle’s… especially knowing that is when I am so often weak and would end up stopping in the peanuts aisle. I will come home and prepare my kit, and before I head out to Hamilton, I will prepare my meal replacement shake… complete with a heaping spoon of fibre.

    Have a great day folks!