Losing a part of me

Category: Weather

Day 408

It is not often that I actually swear at the bathroom scale, but this morning it could not be helped. I am truly angry that after a successful week of no cheating, of eschewing every temptation, that I could actually gain over a pound this morning. This is now the first week that I weigh the same on Friday as I did on Sunday. Had I cheated… had I gone off the program or taken a piece of something… had I opened one of the bags of snacks that I ordered to take to Dallas with me, then I would be a lot more accepting of this. How in the name of all that is good and right can I fucking weigh the fucking same as I fucking did five fucking days ago? This, after not one but two jogs in that time frame; after adding fibre to my diet (although admittedly it has not helped yet); after a week of religiously sticking to the program to the extent of not even taking an extra cup of tea in the evening? One day to the next I can understand, but over the course of nearly a week I should absolutely be seeing a downward trend. This fucking sucks. I would not be surprised that if you were to count the times I have used that word in this journal, now amounting to 387,000 words, fully half of them were in this paragraph. (Okay, I counted. 12 usages of the word in the previous 407 days, five in this paragraph. Not half, but almost one third!)

At the end of my class yesterday I took HRF Princess Sophie out for a quick walk; she ran into a friend, and they played for a few minutes. We then went back into the apartment (with the normal inducement of a treat) so that I could grab my shake and go. Knowing that traffic on the highway could be terrible, and on the advice of my GPS system, I opted to take the toll road. It only extends only one exit from where I got on to where I rejoined the traffic leading to the Burlington Skyway, and from the looks of things behind me it might have saved me twenty minutes. Good choice. After circling the block, I decided to park in the hotel’s underground parking lot. I walked into the room with two minutes to spare.

There are times when you look at how things turn out and you realize that they are a sign from G-d that you are an adult, and you have to be able to do things on your own. When the associate showed me to the fabric samples for jackets and vests, I tried to video chat with Leslie, only to find out that she and her son were huddled in their safe room with dinner, the hamster, and a number of his toys because of the tornado sirens. It was not a good time for her to talk. I was reticent because I really do value her opinion, and I have never been good at looking at a small piece of fabric and visualizing what it would look like as a vest, or sports jacket, or shirt. She had given me guidance on colours for the shirts, and with that, the associate and I looked at several options, and then I finally made my final selections. One sports jacket (blue and grey – darker than the one I got last year, and not quite as loud), one vest (burgundies and greys, which we agreed would go very nicely with both my grey and beige pants), and three shirts (a burgundy with white prints, a very light green with blue and green leaves, and a light – to royal blue). At the last minute I also splurged on a funky fabric for the inside lining of the vest which should match it really well.

Leslie texted me that the all-clear had sounded as the tailor was taking my measurements, and that she approved of all of the fabrics… well, she was not a huge fan of one of them, but that is still a pretty good average for me. To counter the one she doesn’t love, she went nuts for the light green one. I am pleased with my selections… and what I am paying for the lot. I have a buddy in California who used to be in the industry, and he has no respect for my Hong Kong haberdashery. I get that, but at the same time, I am not prepared to pay Five Thousand Dollars for a suit and hundreds of dollars per shirt…especially knowing that hopefully by my birthday nothing that I ordered will fit properly anymore. While I know there are much higher quality clothes available, I think that what I ordered looks good, and knowing that I am still wearing clothes that I ordered from them six years ago, the quality is damned good as well.

I do have to wonder about one thing though. This is the second year in a row that I have gone to the tailor and Leslie was unexpectedly unavailable to help me choose. Last year she was called into a customer meeting, this year tornado sirens. Maybe G-d really does want her to only pick my final weight clothes! Okay, I am being silly.

I had another uncomfortably difficult bowel movement yesterday and decided to up my dosage of fibre. I put one or two teaspoons into three of my shakes yesterday, and hope that will kickstart my colon to start behaving. So far, so good… although I still have not had any solid foods, so I do not know from whence is coming all of the solid waste.

As I drove toward the tailor, I was tempted momentarily by a fried chicken chain restaurant… the same one I wrote about in my article titled Temptations and Cravings that I wrote on Day 9 of my journey. I am not sure which came first – seeing the sign, or smelling the… I don’t know what it is that I smelled, because I do not think you can smell the eleven herbs and spices from the car. Maybe it is the grease that I smelled. Whatever it was, I was tempted briefly, before remembering two things: 1) However it might taste, the last few times I ate it I felt horrible afterwards, so it does not like me; and 2) I have been doing too well on my weight loss journey to throw it away on that garbage. I kept my eyes on the road, and shortly after I got home a couple of hours later, I had my fourth and final meal replacement of the day. I realized again that I am seeing these restaurants and being tempted, but so far, I have been able to resist those temptations. In less than a week from now, Leslie and I will dress up and go out for our first cheat meal… our favourite sushi restaurant. The following day I will likely have gained a pound or two on the scale (as I did on my first day in Dallas the last trip… following the same indulgent meal), and I will know that the meal I succumbed to, which had been planned a month in advance, was worth it… and a good decision. I will take my first bite and feel the juices rush through my mouth, knowing how long it will have been since I had a proper meal. I am not throwing that away – not to mention the forward momentum I have been making with my weight loss – on fast food chicken that has no redeeming qualities to it other than the addictive salt and grease.

Today is Friday and I had planned to wear my grey Copley suit. After this morning’s terrible results from the scale, I was not in the mood to don that piece, and I decided to try on my light-gray sports jacket that I bought off the rack in 2017, and which did not fit the last time I tried it on. It fits fine today, so at least I have that. During the course of a five-day class, I do not like to repeat any piece of my outfit; until today that would have required me to wear the light-blue sports jacket which I have had altered down twice, and which I no longer feel fits me properly. I am glad that I can take that jacket out of the rotation. In eight weeks, I will receive my new sports jacket and vest (and my three new shirts), and I will retire this one as well. I do not like to think myself a snob and have never been a clothes snob. I simply feel the difference in the quality between the custom-tailored jackets that I wear and this one. There are plenty of off-the-rack brands that would likely be just as good as the ones that I get tailored; this one was bought off a liquidation rack at Sears, and probably cost me no more than $75. While there is a point at which I would not know the difference, at the lower end of the line you really do get what you pay for. For the time being, it fits, and on camera it will probably look fine… but it will not be a regular featured piece of my wardrobe.

There is a winter weather advisory for the region. According to the radio, we are set to receive as much as 30cm of snow starting this afternoon and going through midday tomorrow. I have no place to be other than here, so aside from taking Her Floofness out for her business, I do not expect the inclement weather will affect me. I will, before class starts, run down to my car to put my windshield wipers up. If you do not understand why, it makes scraping ice and snow off the windshield much easier after the storm. With that said, unless something comes up, I have no plans to drive anywhere this weekend. My repaired shoes will be ready to be picked up tomorrow, but they will still be there Monday. Oh, I might try to go to the gym… but I am not going to dig my car out of 30cm of snow to do so. Hibernation may be the order of the weekend!

I suppose I should log on and get my class started. Today is Day Last of my daytime class, and I promised my students (as I usually do) that I will be online early to answer questions and to offer any help they might need with their homework assignments.

I called the pharmacy to renew my prescription (it would not do to run out of pills when I am in Dallas), and they told me that they cannot renew it until next Friday, the day after I fly out. I told them I was flying, and they told me that because it is a controlled substance, they have no wiggle room, and they would have to get authorization from my doctor to refill it in advance. That, I told her, is why I called so early. While it is possible that Wednesday we will be changing my dosage, I did not want to leave this to the last minute and have to fly without the pills. The pharmacy has a procedure in place for this contingency and will fax my doctor’s office for authorization. Even if he might not be working today (he often takes Fridays off), it will be dealt with on Monday, and I will absolutely be able to collect my prescription Wednesday, with plenty of time to spare. Pre-planning avoids all sorts of problems.

I’ll run downstairs now to prepare my car, and then I’ll start my class. My plan for today is to stay on track… even though this last week that has not done me any good. Yes, I know it would have been worse had I cheated, I just feel… well, I feel like I have been cheated!

Have a great day folks!

March 3, 2023
Day 407

Her Floofness looks amazing back from the spa, as she always does. She got home and immediately went to play with her best friend Charlie, and I finished my teaching throughout the rest of the day and evening. In her absence, I realized it was a gorgeous day outside, and I spent my lunch with my wife on the patio… through our rectangles. It is hard to be apart, but at least we have technology to keep us closer. It was the first day in several months that I was able to sit on the balcony without a heavy jacket, wearing only my vest over my shirt and tie. I pointed out to Leslie that I love the look of the vest, but am looking forward to getting new ones that were not tailored for me last March; it is amazing to realize that since my last visit with the tailor, I have lost 80 lbs. The vest is the only piece of clothing from that fitting that was never altered down, but it is also the only one that has a tie in the back that allows me to tighten it. This evening after class I am heading back to meet the tailor and will pick out fabrics for new vests… as well as a new sports jacket and several shirts. It is very exciting!

It is official; my hopes of my weight dropping below 270 lbs. for this evening’s visit to the tailor are over, as are my hopes of dropping any weight at all from yesterday. I did not gain weight, but I did not lose any either. One week out from my flight to Dallas and I am certainly likely to drop below the 270 lbs. mark… but hitting 265 lbs. would require a nearly seven-pound drop in a week; it is just not realistic. I will settle for meeting my goal and will not try to set the even more ambitious one that I hoped for, but never clearly enumerated.

This morning I did have a successful, but still difficult, bowel movement. I am going to increase my fibre intake to two tablespoons twice daily for the foreseeable future. I suspect that when I am in Dallas it will not be as much on an issue, as I will be eating plenty of salads. For now, the idea of sitting on the toilet being an exercise in pain and difficulty is not an appealing one, so I will do what I can to try to mitigate that.

The reasons my weight loss is slightly slower than it was are many, but one is clear when looking at the numbers. As I have mentioned so many times before, I love examining the numbers on my weight loss spreadsheets and using the data to explain patterns. For example, on my comparative spreadsheet from 2020 I see that my gain over the pace from my last weight loss attempt was tremendous this morning, and I am now back to 6.4 lbs. ahead of my pace to my best weight from 2020, a two-pound jump over yesterday. That could have been caused by a sharped weight loss, but of course it was not. It was caused by the cheating and subsequent consequences of same from the 2020 attempt. Reading my journal from that week is interesting – aside from the cheating, I also found this paragraph from that journal’s Day 364 that talks about my ex-girlfriend using me as an emotional punching bag, a topic that I discussed with Leslie just the other day. I also discuss the failures of the previous day, which included a couple of meat sticks from a convenience store, as well as a bag of almonds. I am glad that I am not turning to things like those anymore because the sodium content must have been through the roof! No, the numbers that I was actually referring to at the beginning of this paragraph are in the BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) column of my body fat scale spreadsheet. There is a huge drop in that from when I started my journey – over 750 calories per day – which simply put means that my body at rest does not burn as many calories as it did a year ago. On a day like yesterday when I hardly moved from my desk chair, I would not have been burning as many calories as I would have not been moving a year ago, which means that the weight loss would be less pronounced. I know that I need to be moving to lose weight, and this weekend – as well as all of next week – I am going to get my butt in gear. I know that I will not get to 265 lbs. by next Thursday… but under 269 lbs. is definitely achievable if I stay on track and move my tuchus!

Going back to my comparative spreadsheet for a moment, I am going to set a timed goal… something that does not always work well for me. Today my comparative weight to 2020 is ahead by 6.4 lbs. March 20 (the first time I will weigh myself back in Canada after my trip) correlates to September 4, 2020, when I weighed 270.6 lbs. If I were to lose an average of .5 lb. per day between now and then, that comparative weight will be up to 7.8 lbs. ahead. If we adjust that rate down to a very reasonable .4 lb. per day, then I will still be ahead by 6 lbs. That will be my goal… to be at least 6 lbs. ahead in the comparative chart on my first day back in Canada. That will allow me to have my cheat meals but will also encourage me to be as mindful as possible so that I do stay on track. It should help that the weather in Dallas will be much more consistently amenable to jogging than is the weather in Canada this month!

Incidentally, if I do keep up that .4 lb. per day loss, I will achieve my best weight from 2020 by March 31, and my best post-Army weight on April 13. At my current rate (since February 1) of over .5 lb. per day, those predictions move up by a week, to March 25 and April 5 respectively. I could weigh less than I can ever remember weighing in the first week of April. I am floored by that. I am truly astounded to know that by either of those rates, my true best-weight-ever is a short-term goal of less than 45 days. Mind. Blown.

I will get through the day with my carful mindfulness, not veering from the program at all. After class I will drive into Hamilton for my appointment with the tailor, which is truly exciting. With all of these predictions and forecasts from the previous paragraphs, I cannot think that I would be tempted to indulge in any cheats along the way. Whether my best weight ever comes on April 5 or 15 or 30, I am not going to fall off my program and lose the amazing momentum that I have built up. Despite the aches in my hip that are reminding me how long it had been since I jogged, I am disappointed that I will not be able to get out for another run until the weekend. I will get through my day today on my usual 950 calories, and I will come home with pictures of fabrics that will be my new wardrobe in 6-8 weeks.

Have a great day folks!

March 2, 2023
Day 401

While trying to nap yesterday I felt my hip again, and it felt weird that there was definition to it, and not the layers of fat that I have been used to. Still and all, there are parts of me that I wish would change quicker. Leslie has been saying for a long time that I have no butt, and I did not understand what she meant. I do now, and I am wondering if as I lose more weight in the areas surrounding my posterior if that will change. Maybe the back fat that I seem to have a lot of is preventing any curvature in that area. I don’t know what I was like back then… whether I ever had a defined butt or not. I am sure I did, but it is more than half a lifetime ago when I was last slim… and in those days I would never have been so self-aware of a physical trait, other than my legs. I remember many times, both before and during my service, that people would remark on the musculature of my legs. These are weird things to remember, but it is something that I recall.

The bathroom scale was inconsistent again this morning, but the final reading stayed constant over three (of five) readings, and I was not displeased that it was the lowest of the three different readings that was the consistent one. Taking both my 1.8 lbs. drop from yesterday, and my 1.6 lbs. gain from the comparable day in 2020, and my comparative weight is now 5.4 lbs. down from then. This morning’s drop (which I suspect will give back a few ounces tomorrow) has me less than 2 lbs. from my best weight from 2017… and 13.8 lbs. from by best weight 2020. These are numbers that I have had in my sights for some time, as I kept meticulous records from those years. The one that I missed was from 2005, which I realized just a week ago when reading old blog articles that I took offline at the beginning of this journey. While those records are lost, the anecdotal evidence is that I weighed 255 lbs., and I am now 19.2 lbs. from there. I am calling that my best weight ever, and it is now fifth on my list of upcoming goals. Yesterday it was sixth… but this morning I dropped below 275 lbs., which means that I have achieved the first of those goals!

My therapist asked me yesterday if I had watched any of the videos she had mentioned to me about adults who came from crappy childhoods. We had discussed them in a different context during a previous session. I told her I had not watched them, and that I did not think that I would. It was not that I do not believe that I had a crappy childhood, but that it was caused primarily by a toxic and abusive mother who is dead and buried. I told her that it is not that I do not think her abuse had terrible detrimental effects on me… it did. When I was first in therapy with her, that abuse and those effects were a primary focus of our sessions. Today, five years after her passing, I think about her sometimes… and most of the time it will be in the context of, ‘This is how she would have dealt with a particular situation. What can I do differently to be better… as a husband, as a father, and as a person.’ It is not that I have a knee-jerk reaction like, ‘she did this, so I have to do the opposite.’ I am aware that she did some things well, and I try to recognize those things. There are some things that she did terribly, and it took me a lot of years to unlearn those lessons that she taught me. I do not fly off the handle and yell at people… especially (but not only) those who are important to me. There are times when I do lose my cool, but I try to keep my voice down and use my words – without swearing or cursing or whatever – to get my point across. She (my therapist) thought that this is a great way to handle things.

It is still cold outside – the wind chill when I took HRF Princess Sophie out this morning was -21° – but at least the sun is out. The forecast on my phone app predicts we will see a high of 1°, but that is a very lonely prediction, with Environment Canada predicting a daytime high of -4°, dropping down to -10° overnight. Through next week they are predicting that the daytime highs will be between a couple degrees below and three degrees about the freezing mark, with overnight lows dropping to as low as -8°. None of that will matter during the week, of course, as I will be teaching day and night throughout the week, leaving the apartment only briefly to walk Her Floofness. As such, I will try to get to the gym today and over the weekend, but I also have a lot of work to do here.

My plan, of course, is to stay on track. Sticking to the program is so important if I am going to achieve my goals; knowing that in less than two weeks I will be in Dallas with Leslie is just one more good reason to stay mindful and to stay on track. Next Thursday is my appointment with the tailor, and I reached my goal of dropping below 275 lbs. for that… nearly one week in advance. The following week I will fly to Dallas, and I need to lose only 4.2 lbs. in the next thirteen days to get to my stated goal for that day and will try to exceed it by as much as I can. It is unreasonable to expect this, but if I can average a loss of 3.5 lbs. per week (.5 lb. per day) then in just over one month from today I would surpass my best weight ever mark. It is unlikely, especially as I will be taking a hiatus from the full-fast program while in Dallas. I played with the spreadsheet a little, and see that if I maintain my weight during my trip, and maintain that 3.5 pounds-per-week pace outside of it, then on April 15 I would weigh 254.7 lbs. This is, of course, all wild speculation and dreaming. I will continue to do my best. I will stay on track until I get to Dallas, when I will stay mindful even while enjoying food on the modified program. I will do the same level of research I did for P.F. Chang’s for every meal that we plan to eat out, and knowing the weather in Dallas in mid-March will be more amenable to it than it has been this week in Canada at the end of February, I will do as much jogging as I can to try to mitigate any weight gain that might otherwise come from my gastronomic dalliances. I will do everything that I can to succeed, and when I drop below 255 lbs. I will have a quiet celebration with my wife and with my journal… and then I will move on, knowing that I will still have a long way to go.

I made another change this morning that I might or might not stick to. Rather than making the full pot of coffee, I set my machine to make a half pot, which is just over two cups of coffee. So far, I have not noticed any ill effects, but it is still early. Perhaps by the time I have to teach this evening I will need another cup, but we’ll see. Okay, I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get on with my day. I have some studying to do. I am thinking that I might get ready to take my next certification exam before I fly to Dallas, but in order to do that I will have to put my head down and really get to it.

Have a great day folks!

February 24, 2023
Day 400!

Four hundred days. If you would have asked me on Day 1 if I would place bets that I would still be persevering and moving forward with my weight loss journey after four hundred days, I would not have put money down. It is not that it has been a straight and unobstructed path, nor an easy one. I have faltered, I have plateaued, I have so many times thought about giving up. I remember one day nearly a year ago when I was getting into my car with Princess Sophie, and I spilled my coffee all over the place. It was the last straw that morning. I was so pissed off that I drove to Wendy’s down the street, and I ordered a burger and French fries… I think I ordered fries. I then remember needing to collect myself before going back to the drive-thru window, wanting to kill everyone on spec, and politely telling the cashier that I did not order a cheeseburger, and had them replace it. I did it calmly and did not lash out… and that might have been my saving grace. I remember so many more days when I thought that just having this or that would have been fine. How many bags of Goldfish crackers did I open thinking they might last a week or two… knowing they might last a day. Through good times and bad I have not been perfect, but I have not given up. There have been so many times when I wanted to… but I know that I cannot. I have to lose all of the weight, and I need to find a way to keep it off when I do.

I was so happy yesterday morning to be 3.2 lbs. from my best weight from 2017. I also know that any day that I drop so much weight, I am likely to give back a couple of ounces the next day… or at least stay stagnant for a day. Today was predictable in that. Despite my sticking to the program religiously yesterday (save for two coffee candies that gave me the boost of energy I needed to get through my class), and despite a very productive bowel movement this morning, the bathroom scale took back .4 lbs., causing my comparative weight to 2020 to drop from 4 lbs. better yesterday to 1.4 lbs. today. I knew that was likely to happen because of the tremendous day-over-day drop from that year. Back then I was on a roller coaster, mostly because of my modified program. I also know that I started a new job that week, which caused a lot of fluctuation. I know I will be back on track on that tomorrow, and that my slow and steady progress, and my dedication to the full fast program, will eventually win the race. Looking ahead at that chart, I suspect I will beat myself in the race to my best weight from 2017 by nearly a week. After that I will think about my race to best weight yet!

The weather sucks today. There is no nice way to put it. We had what people in much of the world would call a blizzard, and what in Canada we call Wednesday in February. Yes, it was bad, and yes, there is 15cm of snow on the ground this morning that was not there yesterday. HRF Princess Sophie was not having any of it, and she would not venture out more than fifteen feet from the front door. It is still nearly -10° outside, with the windchill making it feel much colder. While it will warm up slightly, there are still calls for freezing rain today. Today will be a good day to stay inside and dressed warm. I cannot think of anything that I would need to go out for, so with the exception of taking the puppy to pee a couple of times, I will not be venturing out at all. Yes, the drivers here know how to drive in this weather, and yes, I drive a Subaru with winter tyres. None of that means that going out in this weather is a good idea. I will stick to the full fast program, and I know that tomorrow morning the bathroom scale will be a little nicer to me than it was today.

After the rise on the scale, I decided that this morning called for a non-scale victory. Last week, I tried on a few pair of Size-36 pants, and only one of them fit (and it was tight). I decided that today was the day. I ripped the tags off of it and I put them on. I do not know if it is all in my mind, or if they really do fit better than they did just six days ago. Either way, I am wearing the first pair of Size-36 pants that I have worn in eighteen years! Yes, I bought them three years ago… but I bought them in anticipation of losing more weight and them fitting soon, which never happened. I guess my weight distribution today is slightly different from it was then, and just different enough that the pair of pants that did not fit yet (I am 15.6 lbs. heavier today than I was at my best) can fit today. A week from today, knowing that I will continue to lose weight, I will revisit the other Size 36 pants that were not even close to closing around my waist last week. For now, I’ll take this victory and smile.

Have a great day folks!

February 23, 2023
Day 386

The last couple of days I have found I am a bit weak at times during the day, even when I am taking my meal replacements when I am supposed to. I suspect the ridiculously long days with almost no break in between is a contributing factor. I know that I am able to get by without an issue on the 900 calories (plus my usual pot of coffee) per day because I have done it before – I was doing just fine before I went to Dallas, and I did it just fine for several days after returning from Dallas. I think it is the grueling schedule that is starting to get to me. I was offered a daytime contract for next week which I turned down because they wanted to pay me a very low amount. My reasons for turning it down were because I did not want to undervalue myself, and I did not want either the company or the broker to think that I was going to have a fire sale on my rates. I am glad now that I turned it down for another reason… I need to catch up on my rest. This week is hard on me, and knowing that I would be signing up for the same grueling schedule for two weeks in a row… I made the right decision. I did joke with Leslie that I turned it down because I had a haircut scheduled… but it was definitely more than that.

I am happy about one thing though. Monday and Tuesday I was lecturing from 9:00am through 10:00pm without any real break. Yesterday afternoon my daytime class finally started doing labs, which means that between the lectures, I do get a bit of a respite from speaking.

We are counting down the days again. In exactly twenty-eight days I will be flying to Dallas, and once again I will be with my wife. I know that we truly miss each other when we are apart… even though I suspect I occasionally get on her nerves when I am always there! It is my plan to not book any daytime classes for the two weeks that my trip span – I am there for two days, spanning Thursday to Sunday – because while I will have to teach Monday, Wednesday, and the two Fridays… at least I will be able to spend most of my time with her and not in front of a class. I am turning down those two weeks of work so that I can spend as much time with my wife as possible.

I am excited that I have booked my appointment with the tailor for their next visit to Canada. March 1^st I will go to get measured, and then (with Leslie on video chat) I will pick out a few new shirts, pants, vests, and probably a sports jacket. One of my main goals at the very beginning of this journey was to need a new wardrobe… and custom-tailored shirts and jackets are just what the doctor ordered. By then I will at least be under 280 lbs., and while it will hopefully not be the last time I shrink out of my wardrobe, I suspect it will be my penultimate time. I did write on Day 2 in My Weight Loss Goals that: ‘When I have lost 100lbs I will be changing out my wardrobe again… Goodbye 2XL, hello XL (and the size 40 (0r 38) pants.’ Well, I have lost over 100lbs., and I am in my XL shirts and Size 38 pants… but now I want to modify that goal from over a year ago. I have, as I mentioned before, changed how I dress for work. Gone are my polo shirts and pullovers. I wear a jacket and tie every day, and I feel great about that. While I do have several suits, shirts, pants, and a sports jacket that fit me, I want to start planning for my next fifty pounds. I will be picking upbeat shirts that suit my style, and after yesterday’s experience wearing my vest, I plan to integrate at least a couple of those into my wardrobe. I want to look great for my classes and for my wife… and for myself as well. There are costs involved with losing weight, and I could spend that money on t-shirts and off-the-rack clothes… or I can spend a little more and really be stylish.

The bathroom scale threw me a bone this morning. I lost .2 lb. from yesterday (and the previous day). I know I have to be patient, and that every ounce dropped is progress. Still, I really do want to get to the finish line… at which point I will be jogging in place for the rest of my life. I know I have to be realistic, and to set realistic short-term goals. For the next month, I am setting the following goals:

1. By March 1 (the day I go to the tailor) I would like to weigh under 280 lbs. so if I can lose five pounds in three weeks I will be there.

2. By March 9 (the day I fly to Dallas) I would like to weigh under 275 lbs. so that I can at least have another noticeable difference when Leslie sees me.

3. During my ten-day trip to Dallas (during which I will be back on my modified program) I would like to gain no more than two pounds.

That will take me six weeks out from today. If, on March 20 (the day after I fly home from Dallas) I weigh under 275 lbs. then I will be happy. Looking at my spreadsheet comparing 2020 to now, that would have me under five pounds behind my pace from my previous journey. I am being conservative with my goals for now, and hope that next week, when I can get back into the gym and start moving again, my current stagnant pace will pick up some more. Until I see what results I get from that, I am going to stick with these very conservative hopes… but I will not fall off the program!

It is raining this morning. HRF Princess Sophie took one look outside and planted her paws just inside the threshold. While it is warming up significantly today, the rain will be constant all day. The winds will be picking up in the evening, which might impede my tentative plans to enjoy a cigar on the balcony with Leslie. We will see, but that might have to wait for the weekend. I am hoping that she (HRF) does not get too antsy during the day and lets me take her outside during one of my two short breaks… my lunchtime will be taken up by my appointment with my therapist, and that is very important. Hopefully as well, the neighbour might knock on my door and say, ‘can Sophie come over to play?’ for a bit. I love her and she is very well behaved, but if she steps out for a few hours during the day I will not be upset.

Two things that I have been doing differently from all of the other times I was dressing up is that I am wearing undershirts every day, and as soon as I take my shirt, jacket, and/or pants off, I hang them up properly. These two steps are significantly reducing how often I have to get them dry cleaned. With that said, I do plan to take all of my shirts except one, and all of the pants (which is only three pair) to the dry cleaner this evening. When I get them back, I want to come up with a system that will let me track what I have worn when and how many times. During a five-day class, I want to make sure I am not repeating my outfit. I know that with my sport jacket that will not be avoidable, but the shirt and tie combination will be much easier to rotate. I do have another sports jacket (which I decided to wear this morning, midway through this paragraph) which I can include, but there are a few reasons why it is not among my favourites… not the least of which is that it is off the rack from Sears. I cannot believe that I, of all people, and turning into a clothes snob! My sister, who used to make fun of me for wearing logo shirts always and looking like a walking advertisement, would be shocked. There is the odd occasion that I miss having her in my life.

Okay, the plan for today is to stay on track. How many times have I said that? I am thrilled that for the last month I have done just that! I weigh seventeen pounds less than I did a month ago, but during that time I transitioned from my modified program to the full-fast program, and there was the expected initial sharp drop, which will now be followed by the slow and steady decline. If I lose the conservative two pounds per week then I will achieve my abovementioned goals. All I have to do is stay on track.

Have a great day folks!

February 9, 2023
Day 380

Holy crap kids, it was real. In fact, not only was the extreme weight drop over the past three days real, but despite dropping seven pounds in the previous four days, I actually dropped another .6 lb. this morning. I am in absolute shock and amazement. When I stepped off the scale, moved it to another section of the floor, and got the same reading. Three weeks ago, I finally snapped a two-month plateau and dropped below the 300 lbs. mark; today I am 285.2 lbs. and dropping. I love being in best-weight-yet territory, and I am excited that I am within sight of my next huge milestones. More on that in a few minutes.

With all of the writing that I did over the last few days, I neglected to mention something that I felt a couple of days ago. While lying in bed I realized that my arm was lying on something strange… it was my hip. It has spent the last what… two years shielded by layers of fat that I am once again shedding. It felt weird… and is another sign that I am making progress.

Sitting in the airport terminal yesterday, I wrote my article from the food court, while nursing a large cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I also had some emails that I needed to respond to, mostly because my flight delays were going to cause me to miss meetings, so I needed to reschedule them. Other than that, I was using the computer sparingly, knowing that if the battery died, I did not have a charger. Yes, I traveled to Dallas without a charger, but no it was not a mistake. Leslie has the same brand of laptop as I do, and I knew when I packed that I could just use her spare charger. What I did not know when I packed was that it would take me twenty-six hours to get home. I was so focused on what I needed to get done before my battery died that I forgot to eat the protein bar that was sitting next to my coffee cup the whole time. In fact, the airplane was in the air and the flight attendant was serving drinks by the time I realized it was 10:00am, and I had not eaten anything yet. This is something that would not have happened even a few months ago… I have always been able to wake up and do my morning routine, and even take HRF Princess Sophie for her walk before eating, but to wake up at 6:10am and not eat anything until four hours later, and not be hungry? That is new.

I mentioned earlier that I am back in best-weight-yet territory, and that my next major milestones are in sight. That is not to say that they are within easy reach, but I know where they are, and I can look at my history and predict how long it will take me to get there… if I stay on track. The bathroom scale that I have is a smart one that not only connects to my phone, but it also keeps track of data for me. While it is not the same scale that I bought in June 2020 (which never made the trip from California to Canada), it is the same model, as is the one I bought for Leslie. As such, they all report into my same cloud account, and at the touch of a button, it exports all of my historical weigh-in data dating to June 21, 2020… the day that I stepped onto it for the first time. I downloaded that historical data this morning and see that on July 21, 2020, I weighed exactly what I weigh today. It took me sixty-eight days to drop to the lowest weight I would see: 260.4 lbs. on September 27. It was not a straight downward drop, but in just over two months I lost the 24.8 lbs. that would take me to my best. If I can follow that same trend, then on April 12 I will be back there. Looking at the Hebrew calendar, Monday next week is Tu Bishvat (the New Year for Trees). April 12 is the second to last day of Passover. I could actually be at my lowest weight ever by the end of Passover… if I stay mindful and on track, and do not fall off the program. That is very exciting!

I had to reset my fitness watch this morning. It was completely crashed, and I had to reset it, break the connection to my phone, and then re-sync everything. I do not think that it is dead, and I hope it can give me a few more months before I have to replace it. It also dawned on me that nearly four years ago, I asked my Facebook community for recommendations on new ones because after using Fitbit for nearly a decade, I was not going to buy another. This Garmin watch has lasted me longer than any two (or possibly even three) Fitbit devices had. I am glad that the reset fixed everything, and unless I notice any other weird behaviour from it, I will continue to wear it as I lose even more weight!

Today is a good day to stay inside. While it is sunny, the wind chill this morning registered at -30° Celsius, and the high is forecast at -13° (but still windy). Tomorrow’s forecast is much warmer, and by Sunday the forecast high is 6°. I took HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk this morning, which she agreed should be a short one. Even wearing her fancy coat, she was not impressed by the cold. There will be another brief walk later in the day, but she and I both agreed that today is a good day to hibernate. We can go out for a longer walk when it warms up. It does not have to be a lot warmer… tomorrow’s -3° will be fine and Sunday will be better… but today is a good day to stay inside. As I am still exhausted from the last few days, I have no problem with that. My plan is to stay on track with my full-fast meal replacement program, and to drink coffee to keep me somewhat warm… and somewhat awake. When she does need to go out, I will once again dress in layers and bundle up. Every Canadian knows that is the secret to extreme cold. That, and also minimizing the time you spend outside.

Have a great day folks!

February 3, 2023
Day 377

Responding to a Facebook post

I find it amazing that I am finding myself the voice of reason and good advice for people trying to lose weight. How can someone who has failed so many times be that? It is because we learn from our failures, and experience is what you get right after you needed it… while wisdom is what comes after spending hours, days, or weeks analyzing those experiences.

This morning before I even opened my Weight Loss Journal I checked Facebook, and I saw the following post from someone in one of my support groups.

So last year I did <program> and Saxenda diet/lifestyle change. Then the opportunity came up to do a round of IVF. I had to stop the Saxenda which in turn fell off the shakes and back to all carb diet. (Sadly it didn’t work) From September 1st to yesterday (January 30) I gained 53 pounds. Back on everything 1 day and 7 pounds of water gone. And my foot is still swollen. The part that gets me and all doctors just ignore it, but from Dec 12 to Yesterday was 30 pounds. That works out to 10 pounds every 2 weeks. Is this normal for others? Am I the only one? And no I don’t eat a lot of food just the wrong kinds. I should add not the first time that has happened to me either. I just don’t get it.

I gave it a little thought, realizing immediately her huge mistake… I then took my time to draft the following response. (Note that in both the original post and in my response I have redacted the name of the program, but I have left the name of her medication in)

Hi Jessica. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I have learned from experience that the minute I reintroduce carbs into my diet, I will gain weight in a big hurry if it goes unchecked. I do not know how old you are, but if you are trying to get pregnant then you are younger that I am. When I was growing up, we were always taught that FAT IS BAD. Well guess what? The experts have changed their tune completely over the past few decades. The real enemies to weight loss are carbohydrates, starches, and sugars. That is why we <on this program> see such tremendous success on the program… initially. When you drop from 100-200g of carbs per meal to 75.2g per day, your body reacts by looking for other sources of energy… namely, our body fat. Our bodies LOVE carbs and starches… and that is a really easy source of energy for them when it is available. When you write that you switched back to an all-carb diet, your body was having a field day! I am visiting with my wife this week and have taken a break from the program. I am cooking most nights, but we also planned for a couple of meals out. The first night we had sushi, and I went nuts… and I paid for it the following morning by gaining 2lbs in one day. For our Friday evening out, we were going for Chinese food. What I would have liked to eat (I checked) had 2100 calories and 220g of carbs. What I DID eat was 950 calories and 47g of carbs. Had I eaten what I wanted to, I would have gained another 2-3lbs the next morning. Instead, I was down .6lbs. IN SHORT: Yes, it is perfectly normal and dare I say REALLY EASY to gain 5lbs per week on an all-carb diet. I HATE it… I hate the fact that I have lost over 100lbs 3 times and gained it all back twice (and each time in less than 15 months). If you read my blog, you will see what I go through… I write about my triumphs and failures every day, as well as all of the emotions that go with them.

These are lessons that have taken a long time to learn, and I can only hope that I will not only remember them when times are good, but when I need to. I have to remember that my number one goal once I have lost the weight is mindfulness. If I can remember these (and the myriad other lessons that I have learned about losing weight and keeping it off) then I can live a happy and slim life… once I get there. No, I am not there yet.

I did not eat properly yesterday, but it was one of those weird days when it went the other way. I had my meal replacement in the morning, a Thai salad with tofu from Salad and Go for lunch, and I made a scrumptious dinner of salmon (essentially the same recipe as Saturday, except I marinated the salmon all afternoon) and an air-fried cauliflower that I cut up, drizzled with oil, and seasoned with Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning. That’s all I ate. On a normal day, I would have had a protein bar in the afternoon, and possibly another one in the evening. When I say I did not eat properly, I mean I did not eat enough. Whether I am following the Canadian or the American program, I am supposed to be eating either four or five times per day. The theory is that when we eat smaller meals more frequently, our body continues to burn the calories throughout the day. I am not disappointed, but I will try to not do it again.

Yesterday morning I dropped off a couple of packages at the post office, then I spent a couple of hours at my cigar lounge with a cigar and a cup of coffee. I wrote (or started to write) a technical article for my professional blog which I have been meaning to do for a few days. I left the lounge precisely on schedule. As per the plan, I picked up salads for Leslie and I for lunch. She asked me to pick up a couple of things at the grocery store, but when I went to check out, there was a 45-minute wait. I left my order on the side and walked right out. When I got home, Leslie told me that it would be crazy all day for a couple of days because of the weather. I told her that whatever chaos there might be, I would go back after we ate. I did just that and was relieved to find out that the reason the store was such a madhouse before was only partly due to the weather, but also due to a computer issue that had shut down most of the self-checkout kiosks. By the time I went back, the issue had been resolved. The store was still a madhouse, but the lines were more reasonable. I was out the door in under twenty minutes.

I worked on my article in the afternoon as Leslie worked, and then I made our dinner. It was too cold to sit outside with a cigar, but we were still surprised that the schools, city services, and essentially all of Dallas was closing today! I was laughing then, but not now… the precipitation started around 8:30am, and while the weather report says it is snowing, from my perch across the room from the window it looks more like freezing rain. In Canada we would not think twice about it… but we are not only used to it, we are also prepared for it. There would be trucks salting the roads, and everyone has winter tyres. I had originally thought I might spend a couple of hours at the lounge today, but I think the farthest I will venture out is to pick up salads for our lunch.

I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning to a real shock. I was disappointed yesterday morning when I gained 1.4 lbs. from the previous day. Today I was completely floored to see a 2.6 lbs. drop from yesterday. That not only puts me below my pre-trip weight, but it also puts me squarely into best-weight-yet territory. This was a complete and total shocker that had both Leslie and me slack-jawed but happy about it. To solidify that, I am teaching this evening so my plans for solid foods are to have a salad for lunch, but meal replacements for the rest of the day.

Okay, my plans just got waylaid. Salad and Go is closed today (along with most of the city) due to the weather. Leslie and I will have chicken burgers for lunch, and I will make a salad to eat with it. That change is not going to affect my plans greatly – even if I put my burger between two slices of bread, that will be my only significant carbs for the day, and I can still lose weight tomorrow morning. It is very exciting to know that if I lose just .4 lb. more, I will have crossed into the next decade… this morning’s reading was 290.2 lbs.! I would be thrilled if I could celebrate that milestone with Leslie. Of course, I know that today’s massive drop means that there is a very good chance that no matter how good I am on the program today, I will be in for a rude correction tomorrow. My hopes then are that eating right today will balance out that correction, and I can stay the same. We will see what tomorrow brings… I just know that I have to be good every day, so that the downward trend continues. I have to remind myself every day and with every meal that being mindful is the key to my success. Being cognizant of what I choose to eat – and how much of it – is how I will continue to lose weight.

The snow continues to fall, and all of Dallas is closed down. There will be no cigars today (although that was never really a certainty anyways) and it is unlikely that either of us will leave the house. In the evening I will teach, but before that I will sadly pack my suitcase. Unless the weather dictates otherwise, tomorrow morning Leslie will drive me to the airport and I will fly back to Canada. I hate leaving her. I hope we can at least have a nice evening together once my class is over.

Have a great day folks!

January 31, 2023
Day 375

Yesterday was another day which had a lot of opportunities to go wrong, but I was able to stay on track. Leslie is such a wonderful support for that… there were two really bad decisions that I considered, and she talked me down from them both. Those are not good choices! I wanted the cheats… but I did not cheat. For lunch I wanted the same salad as I had yesterday… the seasonal salad that is 500 calories, with 52g of carbohydrates. Instead, I ordered the Greek Salad which has 300 calories and 18g of carbs. We then went to Costco, and as is always the case there on a Saturday, there were plenty of free samples to try. Thanks to my wife, I eschewed them all. This was not because of nagging – far from it! – but rather because she set the example of not having them when offered. Thank you Quetzal!

We decided to pick up some salmon for dinner, which I prepared with just a bit of lemon juice and a pinch of salt in the air fryer. Leslie cooked some rice, and we put the plates on the table to season as we desire. We both added a little lemon juice, and I decided to put furikake on the rice, and shao kao heat spices on the fish. The flavours were absolutely delicious! I know the rice is a starch, and I know that I ate a little too much of the fatty fish, but I know that I ate healthy, and I was not worried that I would be putting on weight because of it.

This is the third time that I have done the program in one form or another, and it is the third time I have lost over one hundred pounds. It is the first time that I have a supportive partner to help me, to encourage me, and to kick my butt when I am going to do something stupid. There are two sides of the coin; when I started the program the second time I was living with Liza whose words said she would be supportive, but her actions were absolutely not. Leslie is there for me every step of the way, and when I need help or encouragement, or even that kick in the ass, she is there for me. I am so lucky that my coin landed on the good side.

Waking up this morning to see another great drop on the bathroom scale felt great. Of the 2.2 lbs. that I gained the first two days I was in Dallas, I have now lost 1.6 lbs. while still eating a salad for lunch and a proper dinner (proper by the definition of healthy and satisfying while not overly indulgent). With that knowledge, I am optimistic that the remainder of my trip will be successful, by the definition of the word that I set down before leaving Canada. My goal then was to gain no more than two pounds on the trip. This morning I weigh 0.6 lb. more than I did on my last morning in Canada… and all of my planned indulgences are behind me. I had my sushi dinner and I had my Chinese meal. We bought enough salmon yesterday to make two meals, which means that most likely tomorrow evening I will make it again. This evening Leslie and I will decide what to eat, but there are plenty of options for us to choose that will not require me to cheat. It is possible that by the time I leave here on Wednesday I might actually have lost weight on the trip! How amazing would that be?

I realized another non-scale victory yesterday. A year ago I felt pains in my knees walking, but climbing and descending stairs was especially painful. A couple of months ago I realized that walking up stairs was easier, but I was still feeling it going down. Yesterday afternoon as Leslie and I walked to the car I realized going down the stairs that my knees were fine. I remember about a decade ago when I was trying to really get into jogging I was in Montreal and I went for a jog on Mount Royal. That evening I had dinner with friends who are into fitness and I kvelled that I was able to do it. They warned me that I should never jog downhill because it was bad for my knees. I did not understand at the time, but I guess it makes sense. The logic behind that might be the same reason I was able to climb stairs without pain a couple of months before I was able to go down without it. That is something to think about.

Speaking of jogging, I have been thinking for a few days that I might try going for a jog while I am here. Looking at the weather forecast for the next few days, I would have been much better off doing so these last few days when the temperatures were pretty reasonable. Fortunately for every other aspect of the trip, but not for my plans to jog, I got to spend all of that time with my wife, and when we only have a week together I am not taking any time away from us that I do not have to. The apartment complex has a gym, and I will go down there to see how the treadmill is. I would love to be able to start jogging on a regular basis by the time the weather in Canada warms up. For now, I will go back to the gym Thursday, I will lift some weights, and I will also get onto the treadmill for a bit.

While it will turn chilly and rainy tomorrow, today’s forecast high is a cloudy 15°. Leslie and I have a few things we plan to talk about, but I do not think we have any serious plans or errands that need to be done. We will have a mostly relaxing day enjoying each other, and yes that will likely include some time on the patio (unless we decide to go to one of our cigar lounges). We slept in and it felt wonderful to do so, as it was to wake up next to my wife. I could not help but think how much less space I take on the bed than I did a year ago… or the first time I came to Dallas to visit (and marry) her in June. As we snuggled a couple of nights ago she popped her head up with a look of concern and said, ‘What is this bump?’ I felt it and realized that it was the bottom of my sternum. She had never felt it before because it was always covered by a thick layer of fat. This is not the first time she has discovered something on me that had previously been buried under layers of schmaltz, and every time she does we look at each other with a huge smile and chalk up another NSV. One day I will be completely slim, and she will be able to feel every bone and every muscle. I am glad she loves me for who I am, because by the time I am done with this too slow but extreme body transformation, I will look nothing like the man she fell in love with!

I was not ready to get dressed this morning when we decided to have breakfast so I grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on. Only a few minutes later did I realize it was one of my Army shirts that I had brought for Leslie to wear because they have not fit me in years. Each and every time I put on a piece of clothing that was previously in one of the ‘does not fit’ bins I smile. I can do this!

Have a great day folks!

January 29, 2023
Day 345
For all of my recent trepidation about my stalled plateau, I had a real non-scale victory yesterday. The pair of Size-40 pants that I ordered arrived, and they fit! I was so happy about it! I was on the phone with Leslie when they came in, and I tried them on with her. We were so happy. I am going to order one (or two) more pair, and I have removed the two pair of Size-42 Dockers that I have been wearing and placed them in my ‘ready to donate’ bag.

In the movie The Hunt for Red October, Captain Marko Ramius (brilliantly if insensitively portrayed by the late great Sean Connery) says: “When he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result, his men were well motivated.” Sometime in 2020 I was at my best weight since I started gaining weight after the Army. I had collected a huge Ikea bag filled with clothes that did not fit me anymore. My plan was always to take them to a donation box and to help clothe the homeless. I never did, and that bag of clothes ended up as my safety net. As I regained all of the weight that I had worked so hard to lose, I did not have to buy new clothes; all I had to do was reach into that bag. I will not do that this time. Eleven months ago (on Day 12 of this journal) I wrote that I had separated all of my clothes that did not fit because they were too small into five bins:
- XXL Shirts & T-Shirts
- Pants Sizes 40-42
- XL Shirts & T-Shirts, Pants Sizes 36-40
- Suits, etc.…
- Taekwondo – doboks & non-current belts
Over the course of these eleven months, I have emptied most of these bins. My XXL shirts fit me and are now mostly too loose on me. My suits and tailored shirts are now hanging in my closet, dry cleaned and pressed; they fit, even if I do not have a lot of opportunity to wear them. I still have a bin filled with XL shirts and t-shirts, many of which do fit or are still a little tight but will fit by the time the warm weather returns. I still have a few pair of Size-36-38 pants that will not fit me for a couple of months.

I am not going to go through this again. I gained the weight back because of a lot of bad decisions coupled with a lot of hard and traumatic times, but it was easier to do because I had my fat clothes that I could fall back on. I will not make it that easy for myself this time. If I fall off track and find that my ‘slimmer’ clothes do not fit anymore, it will be a financial burden to gain the weight back. Why? I am donating every pair of pants, every shirt that does not fit me. I am not leaving them in a large bag in the corner of my room for that scenario… I am getting rid of them. When Leslie was here in November, we took a few bags to the donation box, and it felt good to be rid of them. Not only am I shedding pounds, but I am also burning my ships. As a result, I will be more motivated to succeed. Just like Cortez did (or at least, as he did according to Captain Marko Ramius). Every time one set of bags is gone, I am ready to start a new one. I did that yesterday… and I ordered another pair of Size-40 pants, which should arrive early next week.

I had my usual lunch, and then sat on the patio with a cigar, video-chatting with my wife. It is wonderful to be able to talk with her more freely again – when she has her son, it is harder. We have now had two cigars together in as many days, and two long conversations catching up on so many things we have not had the time or freedom to talk about for a fortnight. After that time, I went out to buy groceries, as I at the last of my lettuce for lunch. Supermarkets are always a great place to be tempted and to fall off the wagon, but I think I did pretty well. I did buy challah for tonight, but no other real cheat items.

The universe tested me at the supermarket! I picked the first grocery cart in line, and in it there were two boxes of chocolate almonds that kids sell to raise money for their cause. I love chocolate almonds! There they were, two sealed boxes. I left them in the cart, thinking about what to do with them. I bought everything that I had planned to buy – chicken, vegetables, challah rolls, and as I mentioned a few days ago, I picked up a box of Corn Flakes breadcrumbs to make my breaded chicken. When I got to the self-checkout, I asked the girl overseeing the area if these boxes might be something they actually do sell in the store. She confirmed that it is not. She was probably in her late teens and was astounded that not only did I find one, but two of them. It was a spur of the moment decision to give her one of the boxes. She was extremely grateful. As I was walking toward the exit, I made the decision. I could lose weight, or I could bring the second box home with me. I found another employee in her late teens and handed them to her, wishing her a happy new year. It was the right thing to do… and it made two kids feel good at the same time.

I had a good chat with my diet buddy, who is now a month post-surgery, and seems to be on the right track to shed a lot of weight. For the few cheats that she told me about, I reminded her that there are much better reasons to go to Mexico than weight loss surgery; I told her that while her stomach has shrunk, it would not take a lot of effort to stretch it again… and the best way to not let that happen again is to not fall back into the old habits. As one of the ADHD reels I watched yesterday pointed out, I am much better at giving good advice than I am at following it.

Following our call, I went out onto the balcony for a cigar. Princess Sophie asked to invite her friend Charlie over, and the two of them romped and played for a couple of hours. When he went home, she jumped up onto the chair where her blanket was already laid out for her, and she hardly moved the rest of the evening. In fact, it was the first time that I can remember that when I got up to go into the house (not to get a drink or a cigar, but for the night) and she did not make any move to come inside. I cleaned out the ashtray, I washed my dishes, and when I was ready for bed, she was still there. I finally picked her up, blanket and all, and carried her to the bed. She is really a sweet princess! I was reminded of a childhood memory when we came home late from somewhere, and my father picked me up out of the car and carried me to bed, and I fell right to sleep. I do not have any memories of doing something similar with my own children… although funny enough, the ex-girlfriend in California had a teenaged daughter, and one day her friend’s father rang the doorbell and told us that Hannah was passed out drunk in his car. I picked her up and carried her up the driveway, into the house, up the stairs, and put her into bed. I can assure you that Princess Sophie showed me more gratitude and love just for carrying her in last night than that twat did the entire time I was with her mother.

My plans for today are simple. After lunch I will go to the gym for my last session with Kezi, which will not only be fun, but it will also be important because I need to remember to stay on track and go to the gym on a regular basis after she and I are done. When I am home from the gym, I will likely sit on the patio with a cigar. It might be raining, but as long as it is not windy, I will be able to stay dry and enjoy it. At the moment the mercury reads 13°, and by the time I am ready balcony it should drop by two degrees… which still makes it unseasonably warm for the Greater Toronto Area for this time of year. In fact, according to the long-range forecast, the next time the temperature is predicted to drop below the freezing point is Tuesday night. I can live with that! At sunset I will light the candles and say my prayers, and then I will once again retire to the balcony. I see no reason to sit inside, when I can comfortably sit outside.

On the subject of weather, it has been so nice these last two days to not need my heavy winter jacket. Yes, during the day yesterday it was a bit breezy, and I opted to put on my gloves with my spring/fall jacket… but it is still infinitely more comfortable than having to wear my heavy ski jacket. I will ride this weather as long as it lets me!

I just added a calendar reminder for myself every day to go to the gym. Knowing that most of my currently scheduled classes are in the evening, I have haphazardly added it in for 1-4pm every day. Of course, there will be a lot of days that I cannot go, and there will be a lot of days when I will not go in that time slot. For the second week of the year (January 9-13) I am teaching during the day, so those reminders have been deleted. I am also teaching two nights that week, but I have created reminders for the other days to go. I know it is so cliché to start this at new years, but in fact that is a coincidence, and I really started a couple of months ago… it has just taken me this long to get my shit in order. Hopefully it is.

My only real cheat yesterday was a small handful of almonds (which were not covered in chocolate) on the drive home from the supermarket. In the evening I realized I was hungry again, and I am completely out of meal replacement bars, so I prepared for myself a meal replacement shake. The new bars that I ordered a couple of days ago are scheduled to arrive tomorrow, which will make my life a little easier. Yes, I enjoy the shakes… but there are times when I would rather chew my calories than to sip them. That is one huge advantage the American plan (on which my modified plan is based) has over the Canadian plan. In Canada, you spend twelve weeks drinking four shakes per day, for 900 calories. In the US, you have five meal replacements per day (for 800 calories), but rather than having the choice of chocolate or vanilla shakes, you can choose soups and meal replacement bars as well. Sometimes I find the bars more satisfying than the shakes. All of that to say that this morning my weight was down once again, and I am less than a pound and a half from my best-weight-yet. It would be a nice end to the year if I could get there by tomorrow, or by New Year’s Day.

I just now found out that my plans for New Years Eve fell through. Lyle and Dorothy are going to have a quiet and intimate movie night, which actually works in my diet’s benefit because I will not be tempted to make excuses for another cheat night. The weather for tomorrow evening is cooler than today, but by the evening the rains will have stopped. To make up for it, he and I are going to have lunch tomorrow, which will be leftover turkey at his place. This is likely the longest stretch in over a year that I have not seen Lyle, but that will end tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up on!

Okay, it is time for me to get cracking with my day. Today is Friday December 30^th, which means that everything and everyone is allegedly business as usual. Of course, we all know that is not entirely true, but for my needs it is. I cannot think of anything that I have to do that will require the input of anyone who might be taking a half day for the holiday or blowing off work (sorry… calling in sick) to extend their weekend. I have to focus on me… food, gym, cigars, Shabbat.

Have a great day folks!
December 30, 2022
Day 344

My wife mentioned to me last night (and it was not a throw-away) that she has never seen me properly drunk before. It is not often that I get drunk – even when I am not on new meds, and even when I am not on a diet. I am not saying it is unheard of, only that it is a rare occurrence. I think that on my next trip to Dallas I will have to bite the bullet and imbibe. That should be fun!

Our wonderful date night last night culminated a pretty good day. For the early part of it I relaxed, and then I headed to the gym for my penultimate session with my personal trainer. I love Kezi and think that she has been extremely helpful over the years – especially in the beginning when we started working together – in showing me breathing techniques, different forms, and things like that. For this most recent package of sessions which I purchased with my membership I do not think she has been as helpful, but that is not her fault. It is a combination of things. She is a very advanced trainer who likes to use techniques that someone like me might benefit from but will likely have trouble sticking to without adult supervision. I think I will have a better time of it (not only for enjoyment, but for sticking with it) if I follow a regimen of machines, rather than trying to do a lot of things that she has me do with free weights. After we had our conversation a couple of weeks ago, she got better… but at the same time, I wonder if I needed her to show me how to do a leg press or a shoulder pull-down again. It is not on her… it is entirely on me. What these sessions have done is ensured that I have gotten back into the gym on a semi-regular basis. After tomorrow’s session, it will be entirely up to me to make sure I am not just wasting my money.

There must be some freaky science between the algorithms on Facebook Reels. Over the last few days, the feed has stopped being entirely about anarchists trying to intimidate police and public officials and has shown me several (at least ten) reels about ‘Here’s what it is like living with ADHD.’ I do not remember typing those letters into Facebook, so either it is a massive coincidence, or Meta is spying on my private phone conversations. I should note that they also own WhatsApp, which is the primary method I use to communicate with Leslie. It is not out of the realm of possibility that they are listening in (to both chats and video calls) and tailoring what I receive to that. In the past I have blown off these intrusions because they are usually trying to sell me something. The reels I have watched of other peoples’ experience with the condition/disorder/disease that I am just trying to come to terms with are helping me to understand some of the issues that I have – some of which I have had for most of my life, some of which I have fought and overcome. I might spend an hour this morning actively seeking out more of these reels and taking notes, because the condition is such an omnibus condition. To quote one reel that I actually saved (from Austin Cunningham):

ADHD is f-cking depressing. It is a mix of everything. You will fit in everywhere but nowhere. You are extremely arrogant, but you are very much aware of your own faults. Capable of anything yet not motivated to do a thing. Witty and charismatic but have a low tolerance for bullshit. People. Great with advice but follow none of it. You are most likely a genius but have trouble handing your own emotions. You are an extrovert who needs a lot of personal space. You love being different, but you hate being misunderstood. You have brilliant ideas but lack the patience to follow through with them. You have more interests than anyone you know but will get bored with every one of them. Easily understand the thoughts of others but find it hard to translate your own. Surprisingly compassionate yet seemingly very cold. We make it look fun but it’s really not. If purgatory had a face, it would be ours… and we would smile from behind the cell wall as if nothing was wrong.

I made corrections and changes (from the spoken word, not the poorly copied text) only to account for differences between spoken word and written. Other than that, this is the exact text. It hit me like a brick because yeah… that is me to a T. As I said, I will spend some time this morning looking for more. It is nice to see that I am not alone with this.

The temperatures outside are extremely unseasonable. The widget on my computer is currently reading 9° (which is about 48° Fahrenheit for my American readers). That is a nearly thirty-degree temperature swing (or about fifty-five-degree swing for the Americans) from just four or five days ago. Not only will I be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar (or two) today, but I will also need neither my winter jacket nor my heater. I only have one obligation on my calendar for today, which is my check-in call with my weight-loss buddy. She canceled last week because she was hosting for the holidays, but I assume that we will be back on for today. Other than that, I am hoping that my wife will join me for a cigar (or two) as I sit and bask in the beautiful weather.

My back is aching a bit today. It is as if I went to the gym and worked out muscles that I am not used to working. Yes, that is exactly what happened. I am not unhappy with the achiness… I know that it is part of my penance for letting myself get so out of shape.

The leftover turkey is finished, which is a relief. I am happy to say that while I am still 2.5 lbs. from my best-weight-yet territory, I am 2.5 lbs down from where I was yesterday. I had considered preparing a chicken dinner for myself after the gym but decided not to when Leslie invited me out for a cigar date. It was the right decision for a couple of reasons. The first of which is that I should never neglect my wife, and spending time with her is more important than almost everything else. The second reason is that I have been trying to get back on track with my eating, and while Saturday’s gourmet New Year’s Eve dinner at Lyle and Dorothy’s will be an exception, getting back on track yesterday was better than trying to get back on track today. As it is, I did have some peanuts in the car, and that was enough sustenance that when I decided to go to sleep around midnight, I had a lot of things on my mind… but hunger was not one of them. For today, I plan to make my regular chicken and salad for lunch, and then maybe later in the day I will have a meal replacement… or two, if I need it.

Speaking of meal replacements, I ordered a box of them from Amazon yesterday. I usually run like the wind away from anything with the words ‘Cookie Dough’ in the title, but I decided to give them a chance. They are 190 calories each, with 21g of protein, 12g of fibre, and only 1g of sugar. If I like them, I can stick with them. If I do not, then I will suffer through them (there are 12 in the box), and then I will try something else for my next order. As it stands, I think I am due to receive another couple of boxes of the last ones that I ordered in a couple of weeks… their nutritional values were not as good, but they were extremely satisfying, so I decided to not cancel my subscription order just yet. We will see how good these cookie dough ones are…

I have been spending a lot of time this last week trying to gauge my focus on my journal writing as a bellwether to see how well I am focusing (in contrast with before I started on my meds). Today’s article was not done in thirty minutes without interruption… but the interruptions were more that, and less distractions. On the one hand, I do think I want to discuss raising the dosage when I see my doctor next week. On the other hand, I still think I am doing better than I was pre-meds. Speaking of which, there are a couple of potential side effects that I am hoping to see… but they are not things that I will discuss – not even in my private journal.

Have a great day folks!

December 29, 2022