Losing a part of me

Category: Weight Loss

  • Day 414

    Welcome to Dallas! After three restful hours of sleep, I kicked out of bed at 2:05am to get ready so that fifty minutes later I would alight the back seat of an Uber to take me to the airport. It had not occurred to me that March Break is starting, and that the airport would be a madhouse. No matter, I got through – despite much longer lines than usual at every step – and was safely ensconced in a restaurant in Terminal 3 ordering breakfast at 5:05am. This was my first meal of my cheat day, and I ordered a breakfast wrap (which I had to specify no meat) and a cup of coffee. As the only dairy option for the coffee was cream I drank it black; I realized as I drank it that the coffee that I did not like at Starbucks had not been bad, so much as now that I am drinking it without any sugar, and often black, I am just more discriminating. On my way to the gate I did stop at Starbucks where I was able to grab a coffee with oat milk to take onto the airplane; this blend (True North) was much more pleasant than the Pike Place blend that I did not like the other day. It could also be that after the diner coffee it was just that much better in comparison.

    I cheated on the airplane, but I knew well in advance that I would. I bought a bag of salt and vinegar flavoured Pop Chips, as well as a tin of Lays (of the same flavour). I had some of each, but when I had my fill, I threw both of the containers out. I was not sure if I would be doing that but am glad that I did.

    My weight on the bathroom scale was up slightly from yesterday, but that was expected; I usually weigh myself around 8:15am, a full ten or eleven hours after my last meal replacement. At 2:30am I was scarcely five hours past my last shake. Last night I told Leslie that I knew that this morning’s weigh-in would be meaningless. Even so, I still expect tomorrow I will be up a full two pounds from this morning. Today is a real cheat day! Leslie and I are dressing up and going for our sushi indulgence this evening, which is fast becoming a tradition for my first night in town. I will settle down tomorrow and will be much better over the next few days. Yes, I am off the full-fast program, but that does not mean that I plan to let myself go on this trip. I will be having two meal replacements every day, a very reasonable lunch (as I did today with my Thai tofu salad from Salad and Go), and a proper evening meal. I will be planning almost every meal in advance, whether we are cooking at home or eating out. Starting tomorrow I will also be working out every day, whether that be in the gym or out for a jog. My goal for this trip has always been to gain no more than two pounds, and I know that I can do that if I am smart… and ever mindful.

    I am tired today, but that is to be expected. Even after a proper night’s sleep I am always tired from traveling, so with the short sleep and long lines at the airport I would not expect otherwise. Still, I am thrilled to be here. Leslie and I are finally together again, and whatever fatigue I might be experiencing it counterbalanced by the excitement of that. We belong together, and we will make the most of this week.

    Today is the first day in a while that my plan is not to stick to the program, but I am not sorry for it. I have been planning for today and have been so regimented these last few weeks. The key is to not go overboard… and to get back on track tomorrow.

    Leslie was shocked when she put her arms around me today. We were snuggling and she was amazed by how well I have been doing. She saw me a scant five weeks ago and is amazed at the progress since then, to say nothing of how much smaller I feel to her from when I was at my heaviest. While she is not the only reason I am on this journey, she is certainly among the top three reasons. I want to look better for her – she deserves that. She also deserves to have a husband and lover who can… well, do better with less than I could ever do with more. In June I told her that as I lost weight I would be much more into certain activities that I will not discuss here. On my last visit I reminded her of that conversation; she told me she was not sure at the time that she believed me but was pleasantly surprised that I was right. It will just keep getting better babe… I promise!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 412

    I continued my streak yesterday, running for three kilometres and then walking six. My jogging pace is picking up a little bit which is good. I am looking forward to seeing how well I will be able to do when the roads and sidewalks are all dry, and I can wear my nicer running shoes.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3 km (3.04km)
    • Duration: 23:08 (24:51)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 7m42s (8m10s)
    • Steps: 3,600 (3,800)
    • Calories burned: 355*
    • Elevation gain: 0 (29m) *
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 156 (154)

    * I suspect there was an issue with my devices, as I am reasonably sure that the walk was not completely flat… and jogging the same distance as I did Sunday, it is unlikely that I burned less than half the calories.

    Walking

    • Distance: 6.05 km
    • Duration: 1:06:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m56s
    • Steps: 7,500
    • Calories burned: 689
    • Elevation gain: 37m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 112

    I am not sure why it is that a couple of hours after I came in, I started feeling nauseous and light-headed. It might have to do with the weather, or I might just be pushing myself a bit. The fact that my apps are telling me that I am burning more calories per day than I am consuming is not necessarily a bad thing… but yesterday I set out a little after noon, and unlike all of my previous outings I decided to wait until I got back home before drinking my second meal replacement. That might have been ill-advised. I will make sure, going forward, that I am not straddling the line of when I should be eating… I will make sure to set out after having one.

    The result of my not feeling well was that I lay down for a nap. Knowing I had to be awake to teach my class, I set an alarm. I felt a little better in time for class, but by the end of it I was ready to get back into bed. I will be keeping an eye on my body these next two days… There is no way that I am going to push myself so hard that I fly to Dallas under the weather. We will see how I am feeling tomorrow, but I know that I have an appointment in the middle of the day, and that might get in the way of when I would usually want to head out. If I have to put the brakes on jogging for a couple of days, then I will… if I have to.

    My weight was up this morning, but only by .2 lb. It is frustrating when you do everything right for so long, and then you see the regression… but I know that over the last four days I lost nearly four pounds, and it is not unreasonable for there to be that slight adjustment. I will live with it. I got a frantic text from my weight loss buddy this morning who was upset that on the four-month anniversary of her surgery, she found herself up .7 lb., which she was quite distraught over. I called her and reminded her that she is not .7 lb. up from four months ago, only from yesterday… and she is really severely slimmer (and lighter) than she was four months ago. I reminded her of the importance of the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph. This calmed her down significantly; she thanked me for calling and told me that she needed to hear that. She also told me about two encounters over the past few days where people have commented on how fabulous she looks. In one of those encounters she blew it off and attributed it to her new haircut and outfit, but the other was an old friend and she brought her into the circle of people who know. She knows that I advise people to keep that circle as small as possible; it is nobody’s business a) That she is losing weight, b) How she is losing weight, and c) How much weight she has lost. She agrees, but this was an old friend that she trusts.

    I realized this morning that I was out of my gourmet coffee, and I had to grind some of my Cuban coffee to make the pot. I will definitely go shopping today. It is not that I do not like the Cuban coffee, but it is not quite as tasty as what I usually make for myself. I only have one more whole pot of coffee to make before I fly to Dallas, but I should have it in the house for when I get back to Canada. I have a number of other errands to run today, and while I would usually go to a particular supermarket to pick up the coffee that I really like, there are a few things I need to pick up at Fortino’s (including my shoes, but also certain treats that I will be bringing to Dallas to surprise my wife), so I will just get coffee there… despite their having discontinued the particular blend that I used to favour. I will do that before my therapy appointment, which for the first time will be in-person. Until now our sessions have all been on the phone, but due to my being unavailable for our usual Thursday session, she had this appointment available. It will force me to get out of the house, which will, in turn, force (or at least encourage) me to go to pick up my shoes, along with the treats and the coffee. While I am out, I might also pop up to Milton to see Ryan, who has been encouraging me to change my windshield wipers at his shop. If I had computer advice for him, I would expect him to follow it. He knows cars and especially windshields (which is his business), so I have been planning to do that since he told me to… but my schedule has not allowed for it. This afternoon I can do it.

    Sometimes the universe puts things in place that just make sense. For the first time in several days, the sun is out but temperatures are -4°, and the wind is blowing cold… and picking up significantly in the afternoon. Today would not be a good day to be jogging, or at least it would be quite uncomfortable. I could easily plan to go to the gym for a couple of hours, but I have really been pushing myself these last few days so if I do, I will take it easy. Maybe a few weight machines, twenty minutes on the treadmill, and then a hydro massage followed by a good shvitz. I probably will not do any of that, but I will also not be suiting up for a jog outside… which I enjoy so much more than the gym. I suspect that my next several workouts – outdoors or otherwise – will take place in Dallas. Leslie and I talked about going to the gym in her apartment complex together, which sounds like a wonderful activity that we can share.

    I suppose, looking at it, I have quite a few items on my calendar for today, even though it looks bare. I have my therapist at 1:30pm, but I also have to run several errands. All of that will keep me busy, which is not a bad thing. I much prefer being busy than not being busy. I might try to do some studying today, but I might also just relax with my book. I downloaded a book onto my e-reader before I flew to Dallas last time, and I had not picked it up in several weeks until just a few nights ago. It is a crime drama from before the time when cops had cellular phones, and aside from the pure kitschy predictability of their stereotypical behaviour (bad-ass LAPD cop on the outs with his chain of command is paired up with the female FBI agent for a case that nobody thinks is a real case, and not only do they find evidence but they also end up sleeping together), it is funny when he says something like, ‘My pager started beeping, so I pulled off the road alongside the first payphone I saw.’ Kids today would not believe how different the world they know is from the one I grew up in. Still and all, it takes place in Los Angeles, and it is interesting to see how different my reading of that city is now that I have lived there. I wonder what it would be like to go back and read the Decker/Lazarus novels that I read for so many years, never having known where the Foothills, or Van Nuys or Tarzana or any of the other geographic references that they made were. All this to say that it would be nice to sit on the couch with my book and take just one day away from my cybersecurity and networking studies and teaching. I make no delusions that I might sit outside with a cigar though… the winds were unpleasant this morning and they are forecast to get worse as the day progresses.

    Until I started on the full-fast program, and not even at first, but really since I returned from Dallas just five weeks ago and resumed it, the predictability of my body schedule has gone out the window. For years I have reliably sat on the throne in the morning and produced. I have alternately referred to my morning routine and morning ritual, which has always meant heading to the washroom, taking my pills, brushing my teeth, and sitting on the throne (often for longer than necessary while checking e-mail, Facebook, and whatever else). I would then shower, shave, and then walk to the bedroom to weigh myself on the (no longer appropriately named) bathroom scale before getting dressed, and then taking HRF Princess Sophie out for her walk. Over these last few weeks, including today, I have sat unproductive on the toilet for long enough to realize that nothing was coming, and then I would continue with the routine. Were this something I kept an active record of, I would be able to count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times over the past two years that I have had not had a successful bowel movement, or when I have had one after 9:00am. That is, until this past month. It really has been weird, but I have to accept that my body is changing in so many ways… most of them positive, but I did like the predictability.

    Speaking of changes, I noticed something today that is hard to describe but impossible to miss. Looking at my naked body in the mirror, the shape of my stomach has changed. On the sides there are these massive… indents? I don’t know how to describe them… but I do know that there was a time not too long ago that my belly extended from one side of my body to the other. Now it seems to be pushed in on the sides… except that is not right, because if it was pushed in, then it would extend out further. Imagine taking a balloon in your hands and squeezing it. The volume of the balloon does not change, only the distribution of it, right? That is not what is happening with my belly. It is pushed in on the side, but it is not pushing out. That has to be a huge non-scale victory, as well as an indicator of a couple of things: the first is that I am absolutely losing weight at a tremendous rate… and really, I have now lost over 125 pounds, so there is no denying that. The second is that I am beginning to see the sagging skin that I wrote about last week. When all this is over I will need to have surgery to have excess skin removed, or else I will look like… what? I don’t know, but I cannot imagine going through the rest of my life with all of that excess skin hanging down. I know! I would look like a child wearing an adult costume… or more accurately, a slim man wearing a fat man’s suit. Only, the suit would be made of skin and not wool or silk. There will be more than one consequence to my years of obesity. One of the prices I will pay for that, and for no longer being that, is that I will have to go under the knife to have that excess skin removed. Once I do that, I cannot imagine I would ever want to gain weight again. The thought of it just disgusts me.

    A couple of days ago Leslie mentioned that she did not like the idea of my having weight loss surgery, be it Roux-en-Y, or any of the other options… but that she would support me if I felt I needed it. I told her that I do not want that… but I appreciate her willingness to support me. I also told her that when I am there, I will explain to her why I do not want to have the surgery, which is not a fear of going under the knife, but much more than that… and more than I want to explain over a video chat or by text. I have given a lot of thought to it, especially since I was originally scheduled to have it in 2015 and was ultimately rejected from the program for reasons I will explain to her in person. I had not given it much thought of late, until October, when my diet buddy told me that she was going to do it. I do not know how much of it I have ever really discussed with anyone, so I am glad that I have had a few days to think about how to explain myself to Leslie. She is, after all, my wife. She is the one person from whom I do not want to keep any secrets, much less my thinking on weight loss, of which she has been so supportive over the past thirteen months.

    My plan for today is to stay on track. I am getting up to head to the airport in 42-hours, and this is just not the time to fall off the program. Thursday evening Leslie and I will get dressed up and we will go out for our sushi dinner, and I will have my first meal since the great nachos and salsa incident. If I can wait until then, I can enjoy that meal without guilt, indulging in the deliciously prepared raw fish on rice. If I were to break down now, then there would be little special about the meal itself, although being with Leslie would be enough special to make up for it. No, I should be sharing my first meal in nearly a month with her, and not on any tempting cheats that might present themselves between now and then. Stay on track, stay mindful, stay focused; if I do that, it is entirely possible that when I arrive in Dallas, I will weigh a full twenty pounds less than when I left.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 411

    I wrote yesterday morning that I was ‘…on the fence between going out for a jog for the next hour or getting back into bed for that hour.’ I decided to suit up and head out. I knew stepping out the door that I was not going to try for another 11km+ foray, but I figured that if I wanted to try to minimize the possibility of this morning’s weigh-in being up from yesterday’s, there was a better chance if I got at least some exercise in before the drive to Cambridge. I did set a couple of personal bests, but that was not the point of the outing.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 3.04km (6.3 km)
    • Duration: 24:51 (51:52)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 8m10s (8.14s)
    • Steps: 3,800 (7,900)
    • Calories burned: 800
    • Elevation gain: 29m (84m)
    • pb Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (153)

    Walking

    • Distance: 4 km
    • Duration: 42:14
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10m32s
    • Steps: 4,900
    • Calories burned: 526
    • Elevation gain: 12m
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116

    It was nice to get out, especially knowing that it is the second day in a row that I was able to do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it again today. The weather will not be as nice as today, but we will see. When I took Her Floofness out, she did not want to go beyond the front lawn, where she did her business, and then politely but adamantly insisted we go back into the building. In a few weeks we will be beyond the cold and snow and salt on the pavement, and dogs will be happier because those signs of winter hurt their paws. As for myself, I would like to get out for another jog… even if it is a short one.

    I wrote yesterday as well that I was fully expecting that after the tremendous drop from the previous day that my weight would either stay the same, or more likely it would sneak up a couple of ounces. In fact, it dropped .4 lb. which might be my body trying to make things right for the frustrating plateau that was last week… or it could be reminding me that sticking to the program, as well as getting out and exercising, are the combination that will lead to my ultimate success.

    As planned, Princess Sophie and I spent the afternoon with our friends in Cambridge, which was really nice. I see one of them a lot more often, but a couple of them I had not seen since December. It was great to catch up with them… even though a lot of the time we just spend watching TV and talking about nothing in particular. Even though they (they are a couple) got engaged since the last time we caught up, beyond a quick ‘congratulations!’ to them, most of the talk was about pets and stuff.

    I am chomping at the bit to start packing my suitcase. We talk about ‘counting down the hours…’ well in sixty-six hours I will be getting into an Uber that will take me to the airport. I might get five hours of sleep, but likely will not because of the excitement and anticipation… and because I have to teach until 9:30 Wednesday evening. I am holding back because every Israeli is taught that you never pack a suitcase and leave it unattended. I do not care how secure my apartment might be… but I might just take my suit and a few shirts and put them into a garment bag

    I woke up this morning and lay in bed for a few minutes before getting up. It was only when I moved to kick out that I realized that my leg muscles – particularly my quadriceps – are really feeling the effects of my jogging. While some might call it pain, I realized as I lay there analyzing it that it is not actually that… it is just a bit of an ache that is reminding me that I need to stretch before heading out. I know, I should not be neglecting that. As a martial artist I know how important it is, and the fact that I neglect it so often is absolutely on me. I promise I will spend a few minutes stretching before heading out this afternoon. I promise myself!

    I have a few thoughts that I plan to share today in a separate article, so I will sign off now. The plan for today: 1) Stay on track with the program. 2) Try to get out for a jog. 3) Do some studying for my next exam. 4) Stay focused and stay mindful!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 407

    Her Floofness looks amazing back from the spa, as she always does. She got home and immediately went to play with her best friend Charlie, and I finished my teaching throughout the rest of the day and evening. In her absence, I realized it was a gorgeous day outside, and I spent my lunch with my wife on the patio… through our rectangles. It is hard to be apart, but at least we have technology to keep us closer. It was the first day in several months that I was able to sit on the balcony without a heavy jacket, wearing only my vest over my shirt and tie. I pointed out to Leslie that I love the look of the vest, but am looking forward to getting new ones that were not tailored for me last March; it is amazing to realize that since my last visit with the tailor, I have lost 80 lbs. The vest is the only piece of clothing from that fitting that was never altered down, but it is also the only one that has a tie in the back that allows me to tighten it. This evening after class I am heading back to meet the tailor and will pick out fabrics for new vests… as well as a new sports jacket and several shirts. It is very exciting!

    It is official; my hopes of my weight dropping below 270 lbs. for this evening’s visit to the tailor are over, as are my hopes of dropping any weight at all from yesterday. I did not gain weight, but I did not lose any either. One week out from my flight to Dallas and I am certainly likely to drop below the 270 lbs. mark… but hitting 265 lbs. would require a nearly seven-pound drop in a week; it is just not realistic. I will settle for meeting my goal and will not try to set the even more ambitious one that I hoped for, but never clearly enumerated.

    This morning I did have a successful, but still difficult, bowel movement. I am going to increase my fibre intake to two tablespoons twice daily for the foreseeable future. I suspect that when I am in Dallas it will not be as much on an issue, as I will be eating plenty of salads. For now, the idea of sitting on the toilet being an exercise in pain and difficulty is not an appealing one, so I will do what I can to try to mitigate that.

    The reasons my weight loss is slightly slower than it was are many, but one is clear when looking at the numbers. As I have mentioned so many times before, I love examining the numbers on my weight loss spreadsheets and using the data to explain patterns. For example, on my comparative spreadsheet from 2020 I see that my gain over the pace from my last weight loss attempt was tremendous this morning, and I am now back to 6.4 lbs. ahead of my pace to my best weight from 2020, a two-pound jump over yesterday. That could have been caused by a sharped weight loss, but of course it was not. It was caused by the cheating and subsequent consequences of same from the 2020 attempt. Reading my journal from that week is interesting – aside from the cheating, I also found this paragraph from that journal’s Day 364 that talks about my ex-girlfriend using me as an emotional punching bag, a topic that I discussed with Leslie just the other day. I also discuss the failures of the previous day, which included a couple of meat sticks from a convenience store, as well as a bag of almonds. I am glad that I am not turning to things like those anymore because the sodium content must have been through the roof! No, the numbers that I was actually referring to at the beginning of this paragraph are in the BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) column of my body fat scale spreadsheet. There is a huge drop in that from when I started my journey – over 750 calories per day – which simply put means that my body at rest does not burn as many calories as it did a year ago. On a day like yesterday when I hardly moved from my desk chair, I would not have been burning as many calories as I would have not been moving a year ago, which means that the weight loss would be less pronounced. I know that I need to be moving to lose weight, and this weekend – as well as all of next week – I am going to get my butt in gear. I know that I will not get to 265 lbs. by next Thursday… but under 269 lbs. is definitely achievable if I stay on track and move my tuchus!

    Going back to my comparative spreadsheet for a moment, I am going to set a timed goal… something that does not always work well for me. Today my comparative weight to 2020 is ahead by 6.4 lbs. March 20 (the first time I will weigh myself back in Canada after my trip) correlates to September 4, 2020, when I weighed 270.6 lbs. If I were to lose an average of .5 lb. per day between now and then, that comparative weight will be up to 7.8 lbs. ahead. If we adjust that rate down to a very reasonable .4 lb. per day, then I will still be ahead by 6 lbs. That will be my goal… to be at least 6 lbs. ahead in the comparative chart on my first day back in Canada. That will allow me to have my cheat meals but will also encourage me to be as mindful as possible so that I do stay on track. It should help that the weather in Dallas will be much more consistently amenable to jogging than is the weather in Canada this month!

    Incidentally, if I do keep up that .4 lb. per day loss, I will achieve my best weight from 2020 by March 31, and my best post-Army weight on April 13. At my current rate (since February 1) of over .5 lb. per day, those predictions move up by a week, to March 25 and April 5 respectively. I could weigh less than I can ever remember weighing in the first week of April. I am floored by that. I am truly astounded to know that by either of those rates, my true best-weight-ever is a short-term goal of less than 45 days. Mind. Blown.

    I will get through the day with my carful mindfulness, not veering from the program at all. After class I will drive into Hamilton for my appointment with the tailor, which is truly exciting. With all of these predictions and forecasts from the previous paragraphs, I cannot think that I would be tempted to indulge in any cheats along the way. Whether my best weight ever comes on April 5 or 15 or 30, I am not going to fall off my program and lose the amazing momentum that I have built up. Despite the aches in my hip that are reminding me how long it had been since I jogged, I am disappointed that I will not be able to get out for another run until the weekend. I will get through my day today on my usual 950 calories, and I will come home with pictures of fabrics that will be my new wardrobe in 6-8 weeks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 405

    It was pointed out to me yesterday that I made a numbering error on the blog, this time the other way. It seems I had repeated Day 402 twice. Fortunately, that is a much easier issue to correct!

    How dare the bathroom scale be so cruel this morning? Knowing that I was true to the program yesterday (save for two throat lozenges throughout the day), how could it possibly revert my weight back to Sunday’s 273 lbs.? How can it kick me back into Obesity Class II from yesterday’s victory? I am extremely unhappy about it. It is as if simply the act of handling the snacks that I ordered to bring to Dallas for Leslie is sufficient for me to gain nearly an entire pound. It was painful to see, despite knowing the likelihood that tomorrow it will recover, and possibly even pick up a few extra ounces. In the meantime, it just sucks. I will not let this temporary setback take me from my path. I have an appointment with my tailor two days from today, and I will not fall from grace ahead of that – or just nine days from my flight to Dallas – because of one morning’s disappointment. I wrote just Sunday that, ‘This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2.’ I have to remember that and stay on track.

    I made it through yesterday without feeling the same weakness or fatigue that I had the last few times that I taught late, and I am grateful for that. I was worried, following last week, that I would need either a cup of tea or an energy drink to get through the grueling 13-hour day. In fact, I was fine. That is not to say that at the end of my class I was not really ready for it to be over, or that I did not really need that final meal replacement. Getting through these days is not an option, only how well I get through them. There is an old saying that you make hay when the sun is shining. When I am offered these long-day contracts (rather, they are two coinciding contracts, but from the same company) then I am going to take them. Just one week of that per month ensures that I will be able to pay my bills, plus a little extra on the side.

    As has been the case every day this month, my plan is to stay on track today. I am only teaching during the day, which means that my schedule looks pretty reasonable. If the weather forecast stays true, I might try to go for a short jog after class, followed by (if she is amenable) a cigar date with my beautiful wife. I know that her son comes back tomorrow, which means that the next time she might be able to have another cigar with me will be when I am actually there… nine days from today! Of course, it is not inconceivable that I might try to do that mid-afternoon instead. The temperatures here will be mild for the season, and if Leslie does not have a meeting in that slot, then who knows what could happen? We’ll see. As long as I am not eating. Enjoying a cigar with my wife would not be the worst way to spend my lunch break!

    Today is the last day of February. It is amazing to realize that in the entire month I have had two meals… one on the 1st because of my flight debacle, and one on the 12th with my son. I have made it through an entire month on two meals, and probably 110 meal replacements. I feel like I have had so many successes this month that it is almost a shock that I am only fifteen pounds down from February 1… but the experts say that even on such an extreme program you can expect to lose about two pounds per week… and I have beaten and nearly doubled that, so there is no logical reason for me to be disappointed. I am just impatient with it. No matter how many times I remind myself that this is a journey that takes time, I cannot seem to shake that impatience.

    Leslie and I were talking yesterday, and I realized something that I had never considered before. There has never been any doubt that the tremendous changes to my body are having a huge psychological affect on me; it never occurred to me that it would be affecting her as well. I suppose I just thought that I was slimming down so I would be more attractive to her. I never stopped to consider that yes, she has always loved me… but the man that she fell in love with has shrunk tremendously. While I would gain thirty pounds from when we first met face to face to my apex weight, I am still ninety pounds lighter than I was when she first wrapped her arms around me… or at least, as much as she could. On my last visit to Dallas, she was surprised that she could actually wrap her arms around me completely… with inches to spare. I have to remember that I am not alone in this, and that while there are no negatives to losing the weight, I have to be cognizant that she is affected too. This came to light after I sent her a picture from my heaviest weight in 2019, before I began my second extreme weight loss journey. We talked about it yesterday, and I hope we will continue to talk about it.

    After the extremely successful bowel movement on Saturday, I have not had any success in that department. I have also not gone out to get the fibre supplement which I mentioned. This evening I will try to go to the store to pick up more non-milk and will remember to pick that up as well. It is not that I am not now feeling that I would like to… but it is the first time in three days that I am feeling that. Perhaps sometime today it might happen. Maybe that success would have mitigated this morning’s ridiculous weight bump. Who knows?

    Okay, it is time to start my day. Princess Sophie went for a very brief walk this morning, but the rest of the day should go like clockwork. Stay on plan, stay focused, and tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 403

    I told Leslie last night that this morning I would weigh less than 274 lbs., and I was right. In fact, I beat it by a whole pound. Who knows? Maybe it is because according to my comparative chart to my 2020 race for my best weight, in that attempt I knew there was a tremendous day-over-day loss… or maybe it is simply because I have been sticking to my program, not cheating at all, and I had a really good bowel movement yesterday afternoon. More on that later, if you can believe it. Even dropping 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, I still lost ground on my comparison, based on a 2.6 lbs. drop from then. No matter… in the race to my best weight from 2017, I am now just over half a pound away… if I do not achieve it tomorrow, then it will certainly be by Tuesday.

    This is not the first time during my journey that the bathroom scale has shown a very slight gain from Day X to Day X+1, only to make up for it greatly on Day X+2. Looking back on the last few weeks, this is the third time since I am home from Dallas that it has happened. With the exception of the Great Nacho Chips & Salsa Debacle, my weight loss trend has been down quite steadily since then. For me to lose twenty pounds in one month is tremendous, but it is hard to see when just looking at the scale day after day. I decided to export a graph from Excel to show it:

    clip_image002

    While there are a couple of distinct spikes, the overall trend is undeniable. The only conclusion that can be derived from this is that what I am doing is working!

    I did end up going to Milton for a cigar with Sam yesterday, and it was delightful. Eduardo did not join us, which changed the dynamic. Sam and I have not had a discussion like we had in a while. It was quite nice. On my way there, I stopped by Starbucks, and once again I was disappointed by the coffee. Now that I am not adding sugar to my coffee, I am not sure if I simply do not like the blend that I chose, or if I am simply going to have to prepare my coffee at home from now on. The next time I go, I will try a different blend. If I don’t like that, then I will save some money, so it is not the worst thing… and I will save my shekels for when I want to splurge for a latté… especially when I am smoking a particular cigar with my wife.

    When I got home, I was finally able to have a really good bowel movement. It is rare, since I am on the full-fast, that I am able to have a really good BM, and tis was the second one this week. I am frankly a little amazed that I was able to do it… but it is painful, and I am going to have to look into a fibre supplement or something. The next time I go out, I will stop into the pharmacy and pick up a fibre supplement. I asked one of my support groups for opinions on which work best, and if there is one thing I have found in these groups it is that a lot of people are willing to share their opinions and experiences. It is one of the few places (aside from the occasional article here) where I am okay discussing my digestive tract, and the workings thereof. There are some things that I just do not like talking about with most of my friends…

    My diet buddy is coming over after my study group today. When I reached out to her yesterday, she told me that she really wanted to come because she had a bad week. I really hope that is only on her diet. I know that her kids were in town for study week, and she was worried about the food that would be readily available. I will do everything I can to talk her through getting back on track. I know that she will do fine though. I know a lot of people who have had bariatric surgery and who have gained the weight back, and I know she needs my support to not let that happen. The surgery makes it easy to lose the weight initially, but the psychology of food addiction makes it hard to keep it off. That is where having a diet buddy to call or text is most important.

    After my time in the loo yesterday I decided to once again try on my Size-36 pants. That was a mistake. I am not going to try them on again until I am at my Best Weight Ever. I am nineteen pounds away from that goal and am not even sure if they will fit then. I know that none of them (and admittedly there is a range of an inch or more when holding up the waists to each of them) are even close to fitting now, and every time I try them, I am reminded again that I am not there yet. It may take another six weeks, but I will put a note on the bin to leave it in the closet until I am there. I do not know what I was thinking in September 2020, but I have seven pair of pants in that size. It is a good thing that I should be in them for a while!

    I decided over the last few days to order a couple of new belts. It is amazing to think that when I separated out all of my clothes into bins a year ago, I had something like ten belts that did not fit me, but that once did. Looking in my armoire this morning I have three belts that fit me, one that is not only a bit long, but is stretched out and ratty, and none that are too small. Of the belts that fit, none of them are on the last hole. In fact, they are all on the third or fourth hole. A few months ago, I remember ordering Size 38 belts, and then returning them because they did not fit yet; at the time it did not seem like they ever would. I eventually bought them again, but only once I was sure. This time, despite the belts most likely not fitting yet, I know that they will within the next 4-6 weeks. I want to be ready, especially when my new tailored pants and sports jacket come in (which likely will not be until mid-May), by which point I will definitely be sporting that smaller size.

    The forecast for today is above zero for most of the afternoon. While I told my buddy in Cambridge that I will not be driving out there today (most likely we will do it next week), I messaged Sam and we might get together after my diet buddy leaves. We’ll see… I did not feel like making the trek out to Cambridge, but Milton is not nearly as long. As well, it is easier to stay on track there… the man cave in Cambridge has snacks and temptations everywhere you look, and I just do not feel like I have the capacity to avoid them all today. It is one thing to not go looking for junk; it is quite another to have it readily available and have to stay strong throughout the afternoon. There are days when I know that I have the willpower. Today is not one of those days. I have been feeling more tempted than usual to cheat these last few days. I have not done it, but I am not going to put myself in that position today. It is bad enough that I know what I have in the freezer should I decide to eat… that would require food preparation. Sitting within easy reach of a handful of nuts (and then another handful, followed by peanut-filled pretzels) requires nothing other than letting my guard down for just a moment. That moment will not be today. Once I get past today, I know that this week is a maelstrom of long days – teaching morning to night three days, and then Thursday evening I will head to the tailor to be measured for my new clothes. I am really excited about that… especially knowing that I will almost certainly weigh less than I did when I first got measured by them in 2017!

    I guess I should get moving. My study group starts in a few minutes, and I should publish my blog and get ready. Oh, I also realized that cutting my coffee down to half a pot per day is going to wait… I really felt it Friday, and that was an easy day compared to the week I have ahead.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 401

    While trying to nap yesterday I felt my hip again, and it felt weird that there was definition to it, and not the layers of fat that I have been used to. Still and all, there are parts of me that I wish would change quicker. Leslie has been saying for a long time that I have no butt, and I did not understand what she meant. I do now, and I am wondering if as I lose more weight in the areas surrounding my posterior if that will change. Maybe the back fat that I seem to have a lot of is preventing any curvature in that area. I don’t know what I was like back then… whether I ever had a defined butt or not. I am sure I did, but it is more than half a lifetime ago when I was last slim… and in those days I would never have been so self-aware of a physical trait, other than my legs. I remember many times, both before and during my service, that people would remark on the musculature of my legs. These are weird things to remember, but it is something that I recall.

    The bathroom scale was inconsistent again this morning, but the final reading stayed constant over three (of five) readings, and I was not displeased that it was the lowest of the three different readings that was the consistent one. Taking both my 1.8 lbs. drop from yesterday, and my 1.6 lbs. gain from the comparable day in 2020, and my comparative weight is now 5.4 lbs. down from then. This morning’s drop (which I suspect will give back a few ounces tomorrow) has me less than 2 lbs. from my best weight from 2017… and 13.8 lbs. from by best weight 2020. These are numbers that I have had in my sights for some time, as I kept meticulous records from those years. The one that I missed was from 2005, which I realized just a week ago when reading old blog articles that I took offline at the beginning of this journey. While those records are lost, the anecdotal evidence is that I weighed 255 lbs., and I am now 19.2 lbs. from there. I am calling that my best weight ever, and it is now fifth on my list of upcoming goals. Yesterday it was sixth… but this morning I dropped below 275 lbs., which means that I have achieved the first of those goals!

    My therapist asked me yesterday if I had watched any of the videos she had mentioned to me about adults who came from crappy childhoods. We had discussed them in a different context during a previous session. I told her I had not watched them, and that I did not think that I would. It was not that I do not believe that I had a crappy childhood, but that it was caused primarily by a toxic and abusive mother who is dead and buried. I told her that it is not that I do not think her abuse had terrible detrimental effects on me… it did. When I was first in therapy with her, that abuse and those effects were a primary focus of our sessions. Today, five years after her passing, I think about her sometimes… and most of the time it will be in the context of, ‘This is how she would have dealt with a particular situation. What can I do differently to be better… as a husband, as a father, and as a person.’ It is not that I have a knee-jerk reaction like, ‘she did this, so I have to do the opposite.’ I am aware that she did some things well, and I try to recognize those things. There are some things that she did terribly, and it took me a lot of years to unlearn those lessons that she taught me. I do not fly off the handle and yell at people… especially (but not only) those who are important to me. There are times when I do lose my cool, but I try to keep my voice down and use my words – without swearing or cursing or whatever – to get my point across. She (my therapist) thought that this is a great way to handle things.

    It is still cold outside – the wind chill when I took HRF Princess Sophie out this morning was -21° – but at least the sun is out. The forecast on my phone app predicts we will see a high of 1°, but that is a very lonely prediction, with Environment Canada predicting a daytime high of -4°, dropping down to -10° overnight. Through next week they are predicting that the daytime highs will be between a couple degrees below and three degrees about the freezing mark, with overnight lows dropping to as low as -8°. None of that will matter during the week, of course, as I will be teaching day and night throughout the week, leaving the apartment only briefly to walk Her Floofness. As such, I will try to get to the gym today and over the weekend, but I also have a lot of work to do here.

    My plan, of course, is to stay on track. Sticking to the program is so important if I am going to achieve my goals; knowing that in less than two weeks I will be in Dallas with Leslie is just one more good reason to stay mindful and to stay on track. Next Thursday is my appointment with the tailor, and I reached my goal of dropping below 275 lbs. for that… nearly one week in advance. The following week I will fly to Dallas, and I need to lose only 4.2 lbs. in the next thirteen days to get to my stated goal for that day and will try to exceed it by as much as I can. It is unreasonable to expect this, but if I can average a loss of 3.5 lbs. per week (.5 lb. per day) then in just over one month from today I would surpass my best weight ever mark. It is unlikely, especially as I will be taking a hiatus from the full-fast program while in Dallas. I played with the spreadsheet a little, and see that if I maintain my weight during my trip, and maintain that 3.5 pounds-per-week pace outside of it, then on April 15 I would weigh 254.7 lbs. This is, of course, all wild speculation and dreaming. I will continue to do my best. I will stay on track until I get to Dallas, when I will stay mindful even while enjoying food on the modified program. I will do the same level of research I did for P.F. Chang’s for every meal that we plan to eat out, and knowing the weather in Dallas in mid-March will be more amenable to it than it has been this week in Canada at the end of February, I will do as much jogging as I can to try to mitigate any weight gain that might otherwise come from my gastronomic dalliances. I will do everything that I can to succeed, and when I drop below 255 lbs. I will have a quiet celebration with my wife and with my journal… and then I will move on, knowing that I will still have a long way to go.

    I made another change this morning that I might or might not stick to. Rather than making the full pot of coffee, I set my machine to make a half pot, which is just over two cups of coffee. So far, I have not noticed any ill effects, but it is still early. Perhaps by the time I have to teach this evening I will need another cup, but we’ll see. Okay, I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get on with my day. I have some studying to do. I am thinking that I might get ready to take my next certification exam before I fly to Dallas, but in order to do that I will have to put my head down and really get to it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 399

    I was expecting this morning to fall slightly back in the comparative number from 2020 because back then, following my return from Las Vegas, I dropped 2.2 lbs. the following morning. An unexpected massive drop of the same number from yesterday kept me on pace, and while I know that will fall off somewhat tomorrow (I had two straight days of that same pace in 2020, followed by two days of terrible gains), it will level out Friday.

    After taking HRF Princess Sophie out for thirty seconds this morning (she hates snow and freezing rain), I prepared my shake and my coffee, and I sat down at my computer as I always do. I was midway through the first sentence of the first paragraph when I realized that I had a doctor’s appointment! I locked my computer, put the remainder of my morning shake into the fridge, and headed out the door. I honestly did not know what the shake would taste like when I got home, but it was not bad. It was not as good as it usually is freshly blended, but it was drinkable.

    On Monday I wrote that I was hoping to drop at much as 4 kg from two weeks ago. I dropped 3.4 kg, and am not disappointed by that… especially when I think back on the Great Nachos and Salsa Debacle.

    Both the doctor and nurse are extremely pleased by my progress. The doctor asked me what I have been doing, and I told him about how I adjusted my program. Remember that he had not seen me since January 18, and I have lost 8 kg in that five-week period. I told him that with the exception of my trip to Dallas, I have been on the full-fast program, and that even when I was in Dallas, I was able to maintain and even lose weight. He is extremely happy to see me doing so well. We discussed BMI, and I told him that mine was currently measured at 35.4, which means that another .5 drop will have me in Obesity Class I.

    We discussed several other issues, including the difficulties of the long-distance issue. I told him that things are looking rosy in every aspect of my life right now. I also told him about one conversation that Leslie and I had just yesterday, that will need much further discussion. More on that in a minute.

    I am not stupid. I told the doctor that I have started jogging, and that I have been out four times in the past ten days. I told him that so far, the jogging has not affected my knee at all, and that my issues when lying down are the same – no better, but certainly no worse. He told me that it was more important now to do the imaging for it, and I went downstairs after we were done to finally have that done.

    He asked me why I prefer to jog over a brisk walk. I told him with a grin that I am a soldier, to which he replied, ‘Yes… but you are an older soldier with a lot more weight than you once carried.’ I then told him my real reasons, which are a lot more practical. Ten minutes earlier, his nurse had measured my resting heart rate at 62 bpm, which is even higher than what my fitness watch usually measures it at. It has always been so… even my commanding officers joked that I was truly cold-blooded. The point is that it takes a lot to get my heart rate up. A brisk walk might get my heart rate up to 140 bpm (I took a moment to look back, and my average heart rate during an 8.5 km walk in September was 125 bpm). On Monday’s jog, I see that my heart rate was 164 by the end of the first kilometre, and steadily climbed to 180 throughout the rest of my jog. The higher the heart rate, the higher the metabolism, the more fat burned. That’s why I jog. He was convinced but told me that we are going to keep an eye on my knee, and if it starts to get worse then I am going to have to cut back. I agreed.

    The conversation that Leslie and I had that I told him about was what will maintenance look like? At what point will I say to myself and to my doctor that, ‘I do not need to lose any more weight, because I am happy with where I am.’ From there, Leslie asked me to start thinking about how she can best support me when I am there. For example, was this program something that I could go back onto if I gain weight again? Could I just decide at any time to do it for 6-8 weeks? I told her that yes, I could do it any time I needed, but that I hoped that I would never let myself go to a point where I would need to do it for that long. I do not know what my ideal weight will be, but I know that whatever size clothes I fit into at that point will be the size that I want to wear the rest of my life. I doubt then that gaining more than ten pounds would be comfortable. These are conversations that Leslie and I will continue to have, but the truth is that until I am there, I do not know where there will be… and so I cannot be sure how she will best be able to support me. The fact that she is asking though means the world to me.

    —

    I honestly do not understand why some people join Facebook support groups for weight loss, unless it is just to brag about how well they are doing, and to make themselves feel better when they talk down to others. The interaction:

    Original Post: Second time around and I can’t find myself to stick to it… clip_image002…I need encouragement or a support buddy.

    Response: How do you suppose an Internet support person can change your behavior? This is your journey, your call. If you can’t do it admit it and try later when you ready.

    My response: that is extremely short-sighted and just bad advice. I have supported several people through their journeys. They cannot change your behaviours, but they can be there for you to talk you through challenges, they can help get you back on track when you falter, and they can celebrate your successes. If you think weight loss is just about doing it alone then why bother with support groups at all? Why is it that so many clinics that use <The program> require regular meetings and support sessions? Do you really believe that THEY cannot change your behaviour, so they must be useless? Come on… 95% of this journey is psychological and knowing that you are not alone is a HUGE support.

    I then reached out in a private message to the original poster and wrote:

    I am begging you to ignore the TERRIBLE and completely counter-productive advice of <Response>. diet buddies and supporters are HUGELY important and beneficial, and it is not JUST about accountability. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ignore her and find someone that you can have regular check-ins with, as well as being able to call them when you are weak.

    There is a weight loss support group in Toronto that used to advertise on the radio, and they ended all of their commercials with the tag, ‘If you could do it alone, you’d have done it already.’ How true is that? Yes, there are people out there who are going to be able to lose as much weight as they want, and they are going to do it on their own. I have tried and failed many times, and I have spoken to so many people over the years who are in the same boat as I am. In 2020 I organized a number of support groups where we would have our weekly check-in meetings and discuss our successes and our failures. We would learn from each other, and we would lean on each other when we felt weak. We would celebrate and commiserate. One of the women I met in one of those groups is my diet buddy today, and she and I are helping each other once again. We both failed in 2020, but in 2022-3 we are succeeding, and we check in with each other on a weekly basis. We also call or text each other when we feel weak. There have been several times one or the other has texted and said ‘HELP! This is what I’m facing!’ The other would always talk them down from the desire to cheat.

    —

    The weather will be getting progressively worse over the next few days. Even during the drive home from the doctor’s office, it was snowing. The temperatures were a little below freezing. We are under a freezing rain warning, which is never pleasant. While I might go to the gym today, knowing what the driving could be like this afternoon I am going to take a wait and see approach to that.

    I do have a lot of work to do today, both studying and preparation. I am trying to build my virtual environment to be able to do every demo that I want for my classes, but also so that I can have every tool that I might need to prepare myself for my own certifications. It is not easy, but I am up to the challenge. One more thing that the doctor and I discussed today was the dosage of my medications. I told him that most days I am okay, but there are still days when I cannot focus at all. I told him that if it’s okay, I would like to give this dosage two more weeks, and then re-evaluate then. He thought that was a good idea, but told me that if we need to, he is not opposed to increasing my dosage. I will see how that is in two weeks… the day before I fly back to Dallas. I am truly so excited about that trip that it has the potential to be all-consuming… but I am trying to be calm!

    My plan for today for activity will depend on the weather, but for food it is simple… stay the course. There is no reason for me to fall off when I have been doing so well! It is amazing to think that I have lost over 17 lbs. since January 27, the second day of my last trip to Dallas, which is twenty-five days ago. I know that pace will not continue as I lose more weight, but it is still encouraging.

    Tomorrow is Day 400 of my weight loss journey, and I have lost an absolutely astonishing 30% of my body weight. Yes, I have lost 119 lbs. in that time, and I am just amazed by those numbers. If I lose another 30% of my body weight then I will weigh under 195 lbs., which is a weight that I simply do not remember… ever. I do not know what I weighed during the Army, but I remember clearly standing on a scale a year prior to my conscription (when I was living on the kibbutz) and weighing 100 kg… 220 lbs. I was a completely different person with a very different body back then, so whether I could get below that is possible but another unknown. I only have to lose another 20% of my current body weight to get back to that number, and I look forward to seeing what I look like then… and then evaluating if I want to lose any more. If I get there, that will account for about a total drop of 43% of my original weight… and I will not be unhappy with that!

    Stay on track, stay mindful. Whether or not I exercise, I will not cheat. If 220 lbs is my ultimate goal, then I am just over 55 lbs. from reaching it. In the meantime, looking at my short-term goals from just a couple of days ago, I am one pound from dropping below 275 lbs. before I see my tailor next Thursday, which means that unless I fall off the wagon into a vat of Buffalo wings, then I will achieve that goal easily. I am 3.4 lbs. from dropping to my lowest weight from 2017, which at an average of .4 lb. per day I will achieve by next Thursday as well. Lastly, I am 5.8 lbs. from dropping below 270 lbs. before I fly to Dallas in fifteen days… which means that if I lose an average of .4 lb. per day, I will do it. At the rate that I have been losing weight over the past few weeks, I know that I can do it all… as long as I stay on track and stay mindful.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 396

    For no good reason, I started reading articles from my original weight loss blog. In an article I wrote in January 2015 I wrote that when my first wife left me in February 2005, I weighed about 255 lbs. According to the article, his was down from a previous peak of 310 lbs. that I weighed in 2003. I guess I was a little off on my calculations for my best weight in twenty-five years… but only by about five pounds. Okay, that gives me a new milestone to add to my list of mini milestones that I keep handy!

    Another one of the entries I read was about everyone who wants to offer their advice and opinions. Thank you, but I am doing well on my own. I looked at one person who tried to tell me how I should lose weight and I said, ‘You know, in this conversation, at least one of us has lost over one hundred pounds. Anyone who has may offer advice.’ This offended them… possibly as much as their unwanted and unwarranted advice offended me.

    I wrote my article on food delivery services yesterday, and I decided to share it to my Facebook support group. I got a lot of positive feedback, but one busybody decided to scold me. I told her that before she scolds me and chastises me, she should read the whole article, rather than just the highlights… and if she still wants to speak down to me, she should just keep it to herself. She responded defensively of course, and I blocked her. I do not need that kind of negative energy in my life. I am doing well, and when I face challenges, I write about them. She took offense. Thank you, go away. Why can’t people understand that supporting others can be positive, and if you have nothing positive to say, then just don’t say anything? It took me years to understand that.

    I was not expecting a huge drop on the bathroom scale this morning, but I was pleasantly surprised. I was thinking that if I nudged back up to 280 lbs., even for a day, it would not be the end of the world. I did not veer from the program at all, but I was prepared for it anyways. Sure enough, I was down 1.6 lbs., which made me feel elated. Punching that number into the comparative chart from 2020 I am now 2.8 lbs. ahead of Day 17 from back then. What’s more, back then I dropped below but then back up, and it was not until Day 28 when I was at today’s weight, and then continued to drop. It also means that I am now 8 lbs. from achieving my best weight from 2017, which feels good as well.

    It took until Day 15 for me to be ahead of the 2020 pace. Now, unless I fall hard and drastic, it is likely that the number in the Compare column will be in the positives for good. If I can lose ten more pounds in the next eighteen days before I fly to Dallas – a stretch, but not impossible – then even if I were to gain two or three pounds during the trip, I would still be on pace to beat my 2020 pace to my best weight ever. I enjoy playing around with the numbers on the spreadsheet, so for the fun of it I did the math for if I came back to Canada on March 19 weighing 270 lbs., and then lost 2.8 lbs. per week, I would match the final day perfectly. Here’s the thing though: I plan to come home from Dallas under 270 lbs., and if I do not veer from the program at all then that is a very conservative estimate of my potential pace. It is not out of the question that on April 1st I could be at my best weight from 2020… and by April 12 (which would match the best weight pace from 2020) I might be at that best post-Army weight that I recorded from February 2005. Just for fun, I punched that same weight loss pace in from today, which would mean a .4 lbs drop per day. At that rate, I will be 255 on April 18. I could live with that!

    My plans for the day will depend on a couple of factors. I have reached out to Sam to see if he is still free to smoke cigars for a couple of hours. It would be nice to see him and Eduardo, but I understand that he is a busy man. The forecast calls for a high of 9° and partly cloudy, which means that if they do not come through, I will almost certainly suit up for a jog. I have not been out in a few days, and it will be good to get active. Looking at the hour-by-hour forecast, the highs are expected between 2-4pm, which is a perfect time for me to hit the trails… so to speak. Although now that I think of it, I might look up online to see what trails there are in Burlington. Even if I have to drive to get there, it would be nice if I could jog through wooded parks, and not on the sidewalks along semi-major streets. I will see if I have time to do that before my study group, which starts in a few minutes.

    Once again, I will stay on track. I will stay focused, and I will not fall off the wagon. It felt great when Lyle and Dorothy told me yesterday that even since they saw me last (about mid-January) they can tell that I have lost more weight. Yesterday I changed my Facebook profile picture, and several people commented that I was looking great and must have lost weight. If I can keep this pace up and shatter all expectations, then I can get to Dallas 18 lbs. lighter than when I left just thirty-six days earlier. I love feeling better with every pound I drop, but I am not going to lie… there is one person for whom I want to look good, and that is my wife. When she fell in love with me, I weighed a lot more than I do today, but that does not change the fact that she is younger than I am and prettier than I am, and she deserves the best looking me that I can give her. She was shocked when she put her arms around me and for the first time, she could wrap them completely around me… every drop in my weight will make that even more pronounced.

    I said just yesterday how important it was for long-term success to set short-term goals. It astounds me that after hitting all of those short-term goals that I have set for myself over the past thirteen months, I am just over three pounds shy of having lost one hundred and twenty pounds. It is a number that I am still having trouble wrapping my head around. It is hard to believe that yesterday I gave away the last of my fat clothes, and that I will never have to wear a XXXL shirt or a Size-40 pants again… and most of my XXL shirts don’t fit well either, to say nothing about my Size-46 pants that I started in. I look at myself in the mirror and when I am naked, I still see a fat man; when I put on clothes that are somewhat stylish, I am beginning to see the man that I want to be looking back at me. The first time that happened was on Day 267, when I walked into the washroom at the Mexican restaurant where Leslie and I were eating. It has gotten progressively better since then, although it is sad that in 130 days, I have only lost 30 lbs. At least I know that I am past that two-month plateau from Hell, and that I am back on track… I hope for good.

    Okay, it is time to get moving. My study group is about to start, and I do not want to be late. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 394

    I had a bit of a false alarm this morning that left me a little disappointed, but I also know that the disappointment is silly. For the first time in a couple of weeks I put on a pair of jeans this morning, and they felt a bit loose in the waist. That is a huge victory of course! It led me to think that if the Size-38 jeans are a bit loose, I wonder if… I went down to the locker and with fear and trepidation I pulled out the last bin of clothes that do not fit yet. Peeking inside I saw several pair of Size-36 pants and jeans, many of which still have the tags on them. If they fit, then that was it… I would have no more bins of clothes that do not fit yet. I brought the bin upstairs and pulled out a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans. They do not fit. Nor do the Levi’s 505 jeans which seem to have a slightly bigger waist to them. The disappointment set in… until I remembered that when I bought these on a whim in 2020, I weighed twenty pounds less than I do today… and they did not fit yet. I do not know if I need to lose another twenty-five or thirty pounds before I can be rid of the bins, but I do know that Rome was not built in a day. I did not gain the one hundred and thirty-five pounds from my best-weight-ever to my worst overnight… so why should I expect to lose all of it that quickly? I have lamented many times that gaining weight is much easier and quicker than losing it. Why do I write these things if I am not going to listen to my own advice? If I can stay on track, I will get there… but it will not be quick and it will not be easy.

    As miffed as I was yesterday to see that I had gained weight according to the bathroom scale is nothing to compare to the elation that I felt this morning to see it tell me that I am down 1.6 lbs. this morning, squarely back in best-weight-yet territory… eight pounds from my best weight from 2017, and exactly twenty pounds from my best weight ever from 2020. It is truly exciting!

    I truly had no motivation yesterday; I am embarrassed to say that I accomplished nothing. I did not study, I did not go to the gym. I wrote in my journal, and I spoke with a few friends. I tried to take a nap, but that proved unsuccessful. I did help Eduardo out with his computer; he called me frantically the previous day telling me that his computer had been hacked. I told him I was teaching, but that I would help him over the next day or two. Yesterday evening, following my check-in call with my weight loss buddy, he brought the laptop over, and I cleaned it out. In truth, there was no hack, only one of those annoying screens that makes it look like you have been attacked by ransomware. It took me about three minutes to fix the problem, but it also gave me the opportunity to call the jackass scam call centre moron in India and to tell him to go shove a motherboard up his posterior. I did not say it so nicely, and it made Eduardo laugh.

    Once that was taken care of, I noticed that his computer was missing some major updates, so I set that in motion while Eduardo and I sat outside with a cigar. Now that he knows the inside joke, he told me that it was a wonderful cigar, but that he would not say that it was the best. Oh well, I hope I did not ruin that!

    The most important thing was that I stuck to the program. I did not veer off the full fast program at all, which allowed me to get through the day without a great deal of hunger and went to bed mostly satisfied. Because I was unable to nap during the day, I did fall asleep pretty quickly, and I slept the night. At around 6:15am Her Royal Floofness asked to come up onto the bed. She has been grudgingly sleeping in her bed next to the bedroom door, but a couple of times in the night she got up to walk around – yes, I hear her every time she does that… especially when I do not take her collar off. The final time she came to my side of the bed and put her front paws up, and I knew she wanted Daddy’s love. She has been so good, and I decided to bring her up for my last hour of slumber before I finally got up and hit the morning routine. She did not want to venture out very far this morning because it was cold and slippery, so unless I do go to the gym, today will not be a good steps day.

    I also want to do some studying today, and I should be able to make time for that. I am teaching this evening, but that does not mean that my daytime should be completely unproductive. I am going to hit the books for sure. Whether I will get to the gym or not I do not know, but I do not have to move from where I am sitting now to study. I was asked yesterday to teach two different classes that I am not currently certified to teach, but one of them I am working toward, and the other is the logical follow-up to this certification. Maybe that will give me the incentive to work hard on it today, and all of next week.

    My plan for the day is to stay on track with regard to my meal replacements. This evening I will light the Shabbat candles. While I might venture out to the supermarket to buy coffee beans, I will not be going to Fortino’s, and I will not be tempted to buying challah for the Sabbath. Yesterday I lamented that it took me an extra day (or two) to return to best-weight-yet territory because of a café latté; I am now half-a-pound from registering under the 280 lbs. mark, and I do not want to set myself up for failure on that. I might hit it tomorrow morning, and if I do not then it will be Sunday or Monday… unless I forget myself and stop concentrating. Focus, mindfulness, and discipline are how I will achieve the three goals I set out for myself for the next couple of weeks, and then on to my final push where it is no longer best-weight-yet… but best-weight-ever! Twenty pounds to go… and from there, I will probably have another 50-65 pounds to go.

    I counted my meal replacements this morning. I have enough to last through Tuesday, plus my first two on Wednesday. I am planning a trip into Toronto on Tuesday to do some volunteer work on someone’s network, so I will kill two birds with one stone. The drive into the city is long enough that I do not do it lightly unless I have a really good reason to… especially with the price of gas today. It is certainly much less expensive than it was a year ago, but as it hovers between $1.40 and $1.50 per litre, I do not see the need to waste it. I am always happy to drive to see friends, and I would have been happy to drive into town to help with the network if I had no other obligations… but if I can be more efficient, then why would I waste it? Not to mention that if I were to just drive there, get my shakes, then turn around and drive right back it would be a two hour round trip… assuming the best for traffic. At the same time, I told Leslie last night that I am going to order American meal replacements to her place in anticipation of my upcoming trip. They are a little less expensive, and if I do not have to pack ten days worth into my suitcase then so much the better.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she slipped and fell on the ice… and did not have any trouble getting up. We laughed and exchanged pleasantries, and then I pointed out how funny it might sound to an outside observer to listen to us laughing about us falling on our tuchus. These are the non-scale victories that we strive for… in addition to fitting into smaller clothes and looking better!

    It is a beautiful but cold day outside, and I am going to do some studying. I will stay on track. I will drop under the 280-pound mark in the next couple of days. I will not falter.

    Have a great day folks!