Losing a part of me

Category: Willpower

  • Hunger

    It is 2:30pm on Day 6, and I am hungry. I had my first meal replacement around 9:30am and then my second at 1:00pm, which means I am not due for my next one until 4:30pm… but I am hungry. Crap.

    I am not sitting around bored today. I have work to do, and I am also making notes for my class this evening. This would be worse if I was bored. What should I do?

    Since I have not taken a real lunch hour today, I am going to see how windy it is outside. If it is not too bad, I might have a cigar. The temperature (on my phone) is reading -6°C with a windchill of -12°C, but as I discussed in an earlier article, those are the measurements down by the water. If it is not too uncomfortable, I think I’ll bundle myself up, make a hot cup of coffee, and sit outside with a cigar.

    I could easily add another protein bar. If I cannot take my mind off of my hunger then I might do that. What I am hoping to do though is to make eating my last resort, rather than my go-to solution to make things better.

    I’m still drinking a lot of water, but I do not think that I have had nearly as much today as I have the last couple of days. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons for my hunger. Before I go outside I’m going to take a big glass full and see if that helps at all. Of course, before I go outside I will also relieve myself, so that I don’t have to do so fifteen minutes into my cigar.

  • Day 5

    I am more than halfway through the first week of my diet. Woohoo!

    Yesterday was a pretty good day, owing partly to the fact that I was able to smoke cigars (which I had not expected). I was also really pleased that my friend came over, as it is nice to spend time with him. When I went on the program the first time around, he was one of very few people who knew about it and knew most of the details. He was supportive then, and I am sure he will be supportive once again.

    I got to the end of the day, and I was a bit hungry, and could have done with another protein bar. I decided against it, making it the fourth day in a row that I was able to make it to the end without cheating. I feel quite accomplished for it, as I know how hard it is… and that I had only given myself about a 30% chance of making it through one week. Knowing that I am now more than halfway through the first week feels good.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she faltered. I talked her through it and told her that the next time she feels week and tempted she should call me. She promised that she will. Unfortunately, as I was told at the bariatric clinic where I first went through the program, the statistics of people sticking to the program, and then keeping the weight off long-term, are not good. If both of us succeed that will mean that in our very small sampling, we have a 100% success rate. I hope we do both succeed… but I know that I am planning on it!

    Let’s review yesterday: I essentially worked all day, save for the 90 minutes Eduardo was here. My work project ended on a positive and successful note, which was certainly not a certainty. I was able to stick to my diet, and I drank in excess of 200oz of water. I definitely wore a path from my desk to the restroom.

    After two discouraging days, the scale this morning was finally down from yesterday… significantly. There are reasons (which I have mentioned) that we are discouraged from weighing ourselves daily. I am relieved that I was able to stay the course so that this morning the numbers would be positive.

    Numbers on the scale aside, I will not really consider myself to be making serious progress on the program until I feel more comfortable in my fat clothes. There is no reason that my belly should be hanging out of a 3XL shirt; when that’s over then I’ll start to smile about my progress.

    My Day 5 entry from 2019 shows that I was stressed at work, and that my ankle was bothering me in a Taekwondo class. I also spent a lot of time discussing how embarrassed I was that my belly was hanging out of a shirt. I suppose that correlation is pretty clear!

  • Cigars and Timing

    If you are a regular reader of either of my other blogs, or a friend (either Facebook or otherwise) you know that I am a cigar smoker. When I went through the program in California a couple of years ago, I found that smoking cigars was a good way to not be tempted by food. After all, a cigar might last from 40-90 minutes, and I never eat while smoking. It would satisfy the ‘oral urge’ that is the reason we sometimes snack, and it is a good way to pass the time.

    Speaking with my (then) doctor, he told me that of course he would not endorse any form of smoking. I told him that I often smoke them as a substitution for eating, and he said that it was not an entirely terrible idea, as at the time obesity was the greater health risk.

    On Day 0 (Wednesday) I sat outside on the balcony with a friend and smoked a cigar. The temperature was about 3° Celsius, and with the heater going it was very nice.

    The following day, the (high) temperature dropped to -8°. Saturday was a bit warmer, but way too windy to be enjoyable.

    All this to say that I am on Day 4 of the program, and I have not been able to enjoy a cigar since I started. That is just bad timing. It is during the first week that I need the distraction most, and not being able to have it means I am going to spend more time thinking about food, which is what I do not want to do.

    As the clock approaches noon on Sunday, the Environment Canada web site says that the temperature is -6°C, but with the windchill it feels like -12°C. That is not comfortable smoking weather. With that said, those readings are measured at the lift bridge, which is right on the shore of Lake Ontario (and of Burlington Bay), where I suspect it is not only windier, but cooler than here… even though it is only 9km from here. As such, I have spoken with a friend who is planning to come over for a cigar in a couple of hours. We reasoned that if it is too cold for a cigar, then we can still chat inside.

    If there is one reason why the program was probably easier for me to succeed with living in Southern California than it is in Canada, it is that. In another few weeks the temperatures will be on an upswing, and it will not be hard for me to sit outside with a good cigar. For now, I know that the temperatures over the next ten days or so are not going to be terribly conducive to my hobby, but if the wind is not too bad then I should be okay. In the meantime, if I am ever stupid enough to go on such an extreme weight loss program while living in Canada in the future… I’ll try to plan it to start in April and take me through the summer, when the smoking will be more comfortable.

  • Day 4–Sunday, January 23, 2022

    I am not going to add the date to the title every day… maybe once or twice per week. When I went through the program on my own last time, I did not actually mark the starting date, and it became a bit weird trying to calculate… especially when I had not recorded in my journal for weeks or months.

    Reading back on my Day 4 last time around showed little but impatience. I was glad that the numbers on the scale were down, and sad that my clothes were not fitting better. I think it would be asking a lot to see significant changes in 96 hours. I don’t know what I was thinking!

    Yesterday might as well have been a regular workday for me. I do not usually work Saturdays, but when working on client servers, some operations require significant downtime, and they cannot be performed during normal business hours. Aside from the pain in my knee, I’m doing okay. I would like to see some movement on the scale, but that was not to be. I suspect that is going to take time… I don’t think the scale is going to be good to me for a week or two, and I just have to live with that.

    Aside from working, I spent time with my son (the younger) yesterday. I picked him up for a few hours, and we picked up dinner (for him) and brought it back to my apartment. This led to a rather uncomfortable time. You see, when one is drinking a lot of water throughout the course of the day, one has to use the restroom several times throughout the day. I did just that before I left my apartment and took a water bottle with me for the drive. It is a 20-minute drive to get there. I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he told me a restaurant that was a 10-minute drive, mostly in the opposite direction. This meant that the drive from the restaurant to my apartment would be as much as 30 minutes. However, he is my son, and I am happy to buy him what he wants for dinner… especially since I wasn’t eating, so I did not have to concern myself with what I would like.

    We called the order in from their place, and we were assured it would be ready in 20-25 minutes. We headed out, and I decided to run an errand along the way, so that we would arrive at the restaurant around the time it should have been ready.

    We arrived at the restaurant. I walked in and told the manager that I was picking up an order, but I really needed to use the restrooms first. “I’m sorry, but our restrooms are not open for customers.” Yes, it is because of Covid… and if the food had been ready or nearly ready it would not have been a burden. Instead, I had to wait 25 minutes longer than their original estimate. I then had to drive home (25 minutes). By the time I got into the restroom at home, I am not sure I had ever been in that much discomfort for that particular reason in my life. I have a pretty strong bladder and I can hold it with the best of them… but this was an extreme situation. It was a little funny and a bit embarrassing explaining to my 12-year-old son that I needed to run from the car into the apartment the second we got home.

    I remember from my first attempt at the program that sitting with my son the younger as he ate was one of the temptations that was impossible to avoid. I had to be strong and resist. That my son decided he wanted chicken wings – one of my favourites, as well as one of the unhealthiest options – with a side of tortilla chips and queso dip would make it harder for me… but I was not going to falter on Day 3!

    I decided that the best strategy was to eat my meal replacement as he ate his dinner. I prepared a bowl of soup and did just that. Of course, he takes longer to eat than I do, but I had planned for that too… or at least it worked out that way. By the time 5:30pm rolled around and we were eating our dinner, I had only had two meal replacements throughout the day. After a bowl of soup, I was able to have a ‘desert’ – a chocolate bar. While I was still drooling over Gilad’s wings, I was able to resist because I was sated, if not satisfied. I even had the willpower to give Princess Sophie a few of the tortilla chips without taking any for myself!

    I chatted briefly with my diet buddy today. She was not as religious on the program as she wanted to be, but the pickled carrots that she ate are not the worst thing in the world. She also told me she did not do as well as she wanted to with regard to water intake, and we discussed a couple of strategies that she might use in the future to do better.

    Speaking of water, I am not as happy with the water bottle that I purchased as I had expected. The biggest issue is that it is a right-handed bottle. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to drinking, I am ambidextrous; however, the way my desk is configured, it is less comfortable that would be a left-handed bottle. I went looking and found something that I hope will be a more comfortable fit for me. It should arrive tomorrow, and I will report in then!

    It is 11:30am on Sunday, and I am going to wait until noon for my next meal replacement. I don’t really have to… but sometimes I want to remind myself that I am the master over my appetite, and not vice versa.

  • Day 2

    I made it through Day 1! …I think.

    If that sounds hesitant, I’ll explain. I lost track of how many meal replacements I had eaten, and at 10:30pm I had to grab another one. Yes, hard as it might be to believe, I made it through to 10:30pm on 640 calories (plus maybe 75 calories for my coffee with milk and sugar). Had I not been teaching until 11:30pm I likely would have just gone to sleep.

    This morning I do not feel a whole lot different than I did yesterday. I know that it will take a few days for that. In the meantime, I am proud that I was able to make it through Day 1 without cheating. I also drank a lot of water, which is extremely important on the program that I am doing.

    In our chat yesterday, Julie acknowledged that she nearly faltered as well… not because she was hungry, rather because she was cold. She thought about making herself a bowl of soup. As I had, she said to herself that if she is going to cheat, it will not be on Day 1. The discussion that sprang from this was about alternatives to the product that we have chosen to use. In Canada, the company provides two options – chocolate or vanilla shakes. In the US they have those, plus strawberry shakes… and soups (chicken, vegetable, and tomato, although the tomato soup is vile), and protein bars (I am partial to the apple cinnamon bars, although I rather like the chocolate, and do not mind the occasional peanut butter bar).

    I brought up the American product because I thought that it might be worth doing some research to find out if there are equivalent products to the soup in Canada. It does not have to be from the same manufacturer, it only has to have equivalent nutritional value. If so, then she would not have to worry about cheating if she wanted a warm bowl of soup. As the current temperature in Burlington is -18°C (with a wind chill of -26°C) that soup (or anything that might warm us up) would not be a bad idea.

    I am lucky… Among my possessions that were shipped from Canada there were several boxes of the soup, as well as of the bars. It will be some time before I run out and need to buy more. In the meantime, I have reached out to the company I used to buy from to see if they would ship to Canada. In case they do not (or in the event the price would be too high), Julie has found a number of sources where we can buy the products in Canada… just not the soups or the bars.

    It is cold outside, so I do not plan to go out until it is time to collect my friends from the airport (a commitment I made last week and am happy to do). Their plane is scheduled to land at 9:30pm, by which point the mercury will have risen to an almost balmy (sic) -12°. If it were 5-8 degrees warmer, I would sit in the airport’s cell phone waiting lot and smoke a cigar until they cleared customs. As it is, I doubt I will leave that early to get there. The only thing I have to remember to do is to pick up a carton of milk, lest I have to drink my coffee black in the morning.

    Who’s That Mucking About in the Kitchen?

    As I read through the intro pages to my journal from my last attempt at this program, I was reminded of a few differences between the two previous attempts that made a difference.

    One of the major differences was that in 2017 I was living alone, and in 2019 (at the outset of the program) I was not. It made a huge difference. When I started in 2017, I emptied my kitchen of everything. All of the food, even the spices were removed from my apartment. There were no temptations… and there was nobody eating around me (and causing temptation). I was also not in a relationship, so there was no temptation (or reason) to sit with anyone who was eating.

    When I started the program in 2019, I was living with Liza, and while she understood at (or said she did) that I was not going to sit with her while she ate her meals, that did not last long. I had to sit with her. When she made a Sabbath meal, she expected me to at least say the blessing on the bread (bread is strictly forbidden on this program), and usually eat something. She never accepted that I did not want to veer, and the fact that I did on a particular day was not a sign that I would want to cheat either later that day or the following day. Quite the contrary, actually… if I cheated on a meal, I would want to get right back onto the program… but she did not understand or accept that.

    The fact that Liza was also morbidly obese made things difficult for me… any time I tried to talk to her about trying to join me on the program was met with… well, about exactly the reaction you would expect from a woman when you point out that she might be happy to lose a few pounds.

    Needless to say, between the woman I was living with eating (and pressuring me to eat), and the fact that there was always a kitchen full of food, it was a challenge to succeed. In truth, I was much more successful on the program once I moved out of her house and into my own apartment, where I was once again able to maintain a mostly empty kitchen.

    This time around, I am once again living alone. While I did not completely empty my pantries and refrigerator, I did get rid of anything that was perishable, or fattening. The spices and hot sauces will keep, as will the jars of whatever is in jars. Wednesday evening my friend (a professional chef) was over, and I went through both my shelves and my fridge and gave him a huge bag of groceries that I will not need. Next week my cleaning lady will go through the pantry to clean the shelves (there have been a number of spills in there), and once that is done, I am considering sealing the doors. Maybe that would be a bit extreme, but we will see.

    Over the next few months, I hope to see a tremendous (and positive) transformation of my body. I will do my best to do what I can to make that happen… and if that means throwing all of the food out of my pantry or sealing them shut then I will do that. I don’t think it will come to that. I am highly motivated, and plan to succeed!