Day 104

Microsoft technology is annoying me again today. I am not spending the same time trying to figure it out as I did a couple of weeks ago, I just shifted to another computer. Argh. You would think that a set of technologies that I know so well would not be quite so frustrating.

I went to bed yesterday evening knowing that I had eaten more peanuts than I should have and knowing that I had an extra meal replacement bar in the evening. I had to assume that my morning reading would not be a pleasant one. Quite the opposite, I was down significantly… back into the ‘lowest weight since starting the diet’ territory. I am not giving up on my diet, but I might just give up on trying to understand how this damned weight loss thing works.

I have been thinking a lot these past few days about what my long-term diet strategy should be. I am now mostly used to living without breads and starches. I am not eating out, and I am losing weight. Unlike my previous attempts at this diet program, I am only partly relying on the meal replacements. Yes, they are helpful… but as the world loves to point out, they are not a good long-term strategy.

I counted this morning, and I have about 12.5 boxes of shakes left. With my current plan, that means I could go another twelve and a half weeks before having to either buy more or end the program. I think what I might do is continue as I am until I run out of product, with three exceptions:

  1. I will be off the program for my week in Cuba, which starts one week today.
  2. I will be partly off the program for my week in Dallas, which is in in 32 days.
  3. Leslie will be in town in July, and immediately after that I am going to a buddy’s wedding in Long Island.

The key to everything – the long-term strategy – is knowing that I can take those breaks from the program and not go nuts and keep my weight stable (or even continue to lose weight) without the meal replacements. I have to believe that if I am able to keep my food intake to under 1800 calories, and more importantly stay away from carbohydrates and starches, I should be able to continue on the right track. I suppose that should be my ultimate goal.

I have struggled with my weight all of my life. Yes, I was slim for a few years – that’s what being in the military (and eating and working out accordingly) will do. It is easy to blame my mother, but she is dead and I am not. Whatever trauma she inflicted on me, I have to overcome. Whatever bad eating habits she gave me, I have to unlearn. There is nobody but me who can fix my flaws. I was going to say that there is nobody but me who suffers from the results of them, but that is not true. The people who love me suffer. Leslie and my children would suffer if I were to have a heart attack, stroke, or any other obesity-related illness or death. I have to overcome these for me, but also for them.

The last few days have been difficult for me. You might or might not know that the Hebrew calendar is different from the Gregorian calendar that is in common use in the western world (and most of the eastern one). My father passed away on April 19th last year (although because of time zones, I actually found out on the 18th). The funeral was a couple of days later, on April 21. The first anniversary of his passing was therefore two weeks ago yesterday, and of the funeral, a couple of days later. Unfortunately, on the Hebrew calendar the anniversary (yahrtzeit) is this coming Sunday. It feels therefore that I have a three-week mourning period for the anniversary. It has taken a toll on me, and I have been in pain from it. More pain that usual… I miss my father every day. I miss being able to call him, to know that he is just on the other side of a phone. I have felt that for an entire year, but this three-week period seems harder than most. I will be visiting Montreal to visit his grave on Sunday, and I will say the Mourners Kaddish for the last time in the year. I have recited it twice per day, every day, and I realized this morning how strange it will be to not have to recite it anymore. The prayer is not what makes me miss him though. I miss him every day, and I have to assume I will continue to miss him whether or not I am obligated to recite a prayer. Anyways, I am hoping that after Sunday I will start to break out of my funk. Leslie coming to Canada the following day, and the two of us getting onto an airplane for a romantic getaway the day after should help, I would think!

My son the elder is coming for a drink this evening. It will be wonderful to spend time with him. While I see my son the younger every couple of weeks pretty regular, my deal with Aaron, so as not to make it feel like pressure, is that I let him approach me. This morning he sent me a text message inquiry about something, and I took that as an opening to invite him for a drink. It is supposed to start raining in the next hour or so, and the hourly forecast shows a 90-100% chance of rain through at least noon tomorrow, so it is unlikely that we will sit out on the balcony. That is fine, I know he is my inverse – he much prefers the drink over the cigar, where I much prefer the cigar over the drink. Frankly, that has been the case for my entire adult life. While there have certainly been days when I said ‘Wow, I need a drink!’ I have always done my best to temper my intake. I enjoy a dram, but it is seldom that I feel the actual need for it. When I was his age, I certainly drank more than I do today… I was in the military. He drinks a lot, and I do my best to not lecture him about it. He is sensitive, and I know that every time I trigger him – usually accidentally – he pulls away from me. That is not what I want. I want him to want to be in my life, and to have me in his.

Okay, it is nearing lunchtime, and I will prepare my chicken and steamed vegetables. Have a great day folks!

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