Losing a part of me

Category: Struggles

  • Day 1168

    There are days that are worse than others… sometimes you fall, others you use those hard knocks to remember who you are so that you can pull yourself back up again.

    Yesterday morning my weight was the worst it had been in two years. It is time to end that. I am going to go hard on the program and get back in shape. With spring in the air I am going to start walking more, and hopefully get back to jogging. Not this morning… it was -1° with a wind chill of -9°. I am working morning to night today, but I will try to get onto the treadmill between my daytime class and my evening class. It will be a start.

    I found out on Monday that an old friend who had been suffering from brain cancer lost his battle, and it has had me thinking. I am lucky in that with all of my struggles, my only physical impediment is obesity. Otherwise I am healthy. I have to use that to fight the obesity, whether or not food is an addiction. I have to overcome it.

    I have had too many false starts. Life has really been kicking me hard these last few months and I have let it get the best of me. I have to remember that I am me, and I have to work to make myself the best me that I can be.

    Day One.

  • Day 1039

    I am two pounds closer to the terrible mark this morning than I was yesterday. I was disgusted with myself that I weighed over 305 the last three days, and am really glad that starting tomorrow I am going back to eating breakfast and then meal replacements only.

    I am still not sleeping very well… I took the pill last night but it still took a while to fall asleep. Once I did, I had very weird and disturbing dreams. I will likely be tired today, but I will do my best to not nap so that I will be able to fall asleep at night without medicinal help.

  • Day 775

    I so appreciated the friends and readers who reached out to me after yesterday’s glum post. Yes, I am in a bad spot with my weight, and yes, I have to do something about it. What? That’s a good question. I know I have to cut out starches and minimize carbohydrates. I am going to do that starting today. I have no more bread or breakfast cereal in the house which is a good start. What will not help is that I am heading into Toronto for the day and am having lunch with a friend and then likely dinner as well (with another friend). I am actually hoping that the second friend does not want to eat, and in anticipation of that I have packed a couple of protein bars into the bag I am taking with me. I have to try to do well here, and I think I can… and I want to do it for myself. My weight crept up to and over 270 lbs. yesterday and today, and I want to get back down. Hopefully I will figure this out. If not, then I am seriously considering taking two weeks to do the extreme program I was on… I have the product in my pantry, so if I need to, I can just do it. I hope it does not need to come to that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 741

    I ate much better yesterday (and much less) than I had the previous day, and was surprised to see no drop on the bathroom scale. My weight did not go up, but it did not drop either. Groan. I’ll try to do well again today, and then hopefully I will see positive results tomorrow.

  • Day 676

    My weight jumped again this morning. While it was disappointing to be back above 250, I will not let that phase me. Certainly not when there are so many other things that are phasing me.

    My buddy flew in this morning. It is good to have someone who I can talk to. This evening is the call I have been dreading, and I am trying to figure out how to get through the day… and then how I am going to handle that call.

  • Day 630

    The number of calls and texts I am getting from my amazing friends checking up on how I am doing through this war supporting me and telling me that they have me and my family and my country in their prayers continues to bring tears to my eyes. I just wish I could get over there to join the fight… even in a support role.

    My son the elder came over for a drink after my class yesterday evening. He won’t admit it but he is worried that I might get the call. He tried to convince me that once I tried and was denied (twice now) then I have done my duty and I should stay here and get on with my life. It is very sweet of him… even though he knows that I cannot do that. We discussed a lot of other things too, and it was good to catch up. I love him and when he opens up to me it warms my heart.

    That is not to say that his visit did not cause me some level of anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I had bought a pre-cooked barbecue chicken earlier in the day, resulted in bad things happening on my diet. I am un 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. I will get back on track today and do better.

    I bought the chicken with the intention of trying to integrate a second meal into my day. I originally thought to buy raw chicken to cook, but the timing would not have worked so I bought the cooked one. That was a mistake. It was easy to fall off the program at 11:00pm when the chicken was right there. It would have been a very different story if I had to actually cook it.

    Yes, I am thinking about making that transition from one meal per day to two meals per day. I am going to try again today, which means I will be going to the supermarket shortly. I will not be buying anything prepared. I will buy the provisions to prepare a healthy and tasty lunch. Before I go I should make sure that I have the proper herbs and spices in the pantry… it has been a while since I have needed them!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 505

    I am really not impressed with the numbers on the bathroom scale this morning. My weight has crept up all week, but this morning it shot up by another 2 lbs. which is really starting to upset me. I have been eating breakfast cereal these last few days (which has really helped me with my bowel movements), and that is the only significant change. I am going to cut it out as of this weekend and do my best to get back on track. I know that when I am on the plateaus I will go up a bit, especially when I am not exercising… but I have to find a way for it to not go up this badly. I am still healthy, feeling good, and looking just as good in my clothes as I was a month ago (I think), but the numbers are bothering me.

    As I expected, this morning is a relatively easy one. My students are taking their exam. After they are all done, we will spend some time reviewing it, after which time the students who did not pass will be allowed to retake it. I am giving the rest of them the opportunity to work on labs, as well as practice exams… there is a huge difference between the assessments written by the training centre and the certification exams they will have to take for industry accreditation. We will review some of those questions as well, after which the class will be finished at 1:00pm. I will have lunch, and then at 2:00pm Eduardo is coming over for computer help and a cigar. I expect the first part will only take a few minutes, and the second will take most of our afternoon. I am going to the supermarket to pick up a challah roll for this evening. Leslie and I will be together for the next two Sabbaths, but tonight we are on video chat for one more candle lighting. It is amazing to think that she will be here in two days. I can hardly wait!

    I slept well last night for the first time in almost a week. I suspect it had to do with the clean sheets and tightly made bed. I will pay closer attention to that going forward. I know how important it is to my weight loss, as well as to my overall physical and mental well-being, to get a good night’s sleep. If clean sheets is the answer, then I will not hesitate to change them weekly if needed.

    The spring weather reminded me this morning that summer is not quite upon us yet… and that we are in Canada. Princess Sophie did not seem to mind the light drizzle as we walked this morning, but it was there. The forecast calls for rain all morning, followed by a cloudy afternoon and evening. It should be comfortable cigar smoking weather indeed.

    One more thing that I intend to do today, while I am already going to the supermarket, is to take some of my shirts to the dry cleaners. I am certainly saving a lot of money by wearing undershirts and hanging them neatly immediately after I take them off, but that does not mean that they never need to be cleaned. I suspect I will not have them back until Wednesday, so I will not take them all in. Even with that, knowing my schedule for next week I will have to pick them up before class starts. I do not like to schedule errands for the morning, but there it is.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.

  • And What a Walk!

    Speaking with Leslie today (and over the last little while) I have started to fully understand that I need exercise for a few reasons. It crucial for my weight loss strategy, there is no question that exercise is a critical component to losing weight and getting back into shape. That is an obvious and direct benefit.

    There is a less obvious (if equally critical) benefit to exercising. I know that food is an addiction, and I have to break that unhealthy relationship with food. Leslie reminded me (several times) that if I have been turning to food (and mostly unhealthy foods) to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression then I need a different go-to that I can use to replace food in those moments of despair and desperation.

    I have known my friends Rick and Isolina (The Beard and The Munchkin) nearly twenty-five years. He has been for many years the most faithful and constant reader of my main blog (www.garvis.ca) and has watched trends in my life. He pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago (yet again) that he can tell when I am back at my Taekwondo training from my tone… not only when we talk, but in my writing on my blogs and on Facebook. I know that he is right… although I am going to put in one slight amendment to that statement. I am more upbeat when I am in training… whether that be walking, running, weight training, or of course my primary sport, Taekwondo.

    (Rick is going to read that and within a day I am going to get a phone call from him saying ‘You know, you are probably right… but it is even more clear when you are in Taekwondo; I know that you love it and it shows.’ I love you, Rick!)

    Okay… so if working out in general and Taekwondo in particular are activities that lift my spirits, then why shouldn’t I turn to them as a crutch? ‘Hey, I am having a really terrible day today… I’ll go for a long walk and maybe I’ll feel better.’ Or: ‘Wow, what a crappy day. Fortunately, I can go to a Taekwondo class or two this evening, and that will help me work out my aggressions.’

    It is a question of shifting my go-to from eating bad foods to making healthy choices.

    By the way, if I do that, there will be another added benefit to my general mood. I am always in a better mood when my weight is down. Yes, this morning was the exception to that rule, but sometimes things really do get that bad. Okay, so if I am in a better mood when my weight is trending down, then exercising instead of eating will prevent weight gain and usually cause weight loss. As I wrote in my article ‘One Pound Lost is Three Pounds of Progress’ (republished on my blog March 30, 2022), every pound that I lose not only means that pound, but it also represents the pound that I could have stayed the same, and the pound that I could have gained. Lower weight equals happier Mitch. It really is that simple.

    I started today, and as the title of this entry alludes to, I had one hell of a walk. I don’t know if it was because of the motivation, because I weigh less than I have in years, or if it that I spent ten hours in the car yesterday, or that I have not walked in eleven days. I do know that I am wearing a new pair of running shoes (thanks Leslie!) and that my feet were feeling fine from beginning to end, and that I have a lot of crap in my head that I am trying to sort out. I also know that today’s walk broke a few records. Here are the numbers:

    • Distance: 9.03 km (7. 5 km)
    • Duration: 1:33:28 (1:22:42 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:21 (11:01)
    • Steps: 10.8k (9.3k)
    • Calories burned: 524 (429)
    • Elevation gain: 34.1m (28m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (112)

    There is a lot of bold text there because yes, each one of those is a record. I beat my previous best distance by 1.5km, which of course means that it was 16m25s longer in duration. My previous best pace was 10m37s per kilometre. Today it was a full 16s per kilometre better. In fact, each of my first seven kilometres was well faster than that, and had I stopped after five kilometres, my pace was actually 10m05s per kilometre!

    Yes, I kicked butt out there on my walk, and I am proud of it.

    I do not know if I will walk tomorrow because it is a Taekwondo day (as are all Tuesdays and Thursdays). What I might do is go for a lighter 5km walk… I won’t push myself; I will just do it to get a little more exercise than just the classes. I have to decide how I am going to do that, but we will see.

    I suppose there is another ulterior motive for an extra workout tomorrow… the following day is my fortnightly weigh-in, and it would be good to show progress. As it is, this morning I weighed 2/10ths of a pound more than I did on my previous weigh-in.

    That is another attitude I have to be cognizant of. I cannot act ‘business as usual’ for ten days, and then in the days leading up to my doctor’s visit push myself to get back on track. While weight loss is indeed a marathon and not a sprint, I do not know a lot of marathon runners who slack off for any amount of time during a race. I cannot either. Yes, there will be moments of weakness; what is most important is recognizing them and recovering from them as quickly as possible. All important lessons.

    I would love to push for a huge weight loss between now and the end of the summer, and so I am going to stay close to home. By that I mean I am going to avoid social situations where I am tempted to take peanuts or hamburgers or whatever else. Happily, I have a month-long teaching contract starting next Monday, which will also keep me focused and disciplined. It would be wonderful if Leslie were to come for a visit or if I were to go to visit her during that month, but unlike so many of my friends, Leslie encourages me to stay on track and to eat healthy. After all, I hope she wants to have me around for many years to come.

    As I write this, I realize the following:

    1. I have not showered since coming in from my walk. Yuck.
    2. I have ingested precisely one meal replacement shake today, which means that with the 524 calories that I burned on my walk, I am in a deficit of 299 calories.
    3. I have to get my butt in gear and go pick up Princess Sophie.

    Have a great afternoon folks!

  • Kindly Shut Up!

    I mentioned earlier that I was at a friend’s birthday party over the weekend, and it was a lovely day… that was marred by my friend trying to get me to eat something that I should not eat. In this particular case, he was telling me how good the blood sausage was. I told him that as a practicing Jew, I cannot eat it because it is not kosher. My friend, who was born Jewish but has never practiced the religion, told me something like ‘I know… but today it’s okay to eat it.’ I was truly offended. My friend knew me before I started observing many of the dietary laws of my faith, so I suppose he knows that I would like it.

    It is amazing that thirty-three years after I graduated high school, I am still subject to peer pressure… and this, from an 82-year-old man.

    My relationship with G-d is nobody else’s business, and it is my responsibility alone to eat or to not eat in accordance with my faith. My friend did not hold me down and force non-kosher food into my mouth. I had to make the decision on my own… and I made the correct decision.

    Where I made the wrong decision was when the deserts came out, and I was handed a piece of birthday cake. Again, as someone on a diet, it is up to me to eat or to not eat what I should or should not be eating.

    Where that argument starts to weaken is when people try to tell you ‘Oh, you can diet tomorrow!’ or ‘Just take a break… one piece of cake won’t kill you!’ The (ironically phrased) icing on the cake is ‘Oh you are doing so well! Just have this, it is so good!’

    Let’s put this into context by replacing some of the words:

    ‘Mitch, you are a heroin addict, but you have done so well kicking the habit… one shot won’t kill you!? Just have this, it is so good!’

    Do you see where I am going with this? Food is an addiction and getting off the foods that are so terrible for us – and not just for a day, but for the long term – is extremely difficult, and requires a discipline that many people just do not have. I have been overweight for nearly as long as I have been out of the Army and kicking those terrible habits that I learned for so many years (from people who I thought loved me) is the hardest thing I have ever done. How hard? I have done it twice… and each time I ended up back where I was and am not on my third attempt.

    What is worse is that so many of the people who encourage you to take a day off from your diet are the same ones who told you that you needed to lose weight (or more often made fun of you behind your back). They are often the same people who tell you how great you are looking, and that you should keep it up. They are too often the people who claim to be your greatest advocates for success.

    By the way, some of these people are not actually trying to sabotage your diet… although that is exactly the result. Many of them think that after so many weeks or months of work that you actually deserve that piece of cake, bowl of ice cream, whatever. They do not know what temptations you were exposed to or succumbed to yesterday because they were not there. They do not know what will happen tomorrow because they will not be there. They assume that you can be on a diet 100% of the time… when you are not with them, but when you are with them you should enjoy the same foods that caused you to need to diet in the first place.

    In the end I did not touch the blood sausage, and my religious dietary discipline was maintained. However, the negative advice from my friend consumed my mind, and when it came time for birthday cake, I was not paying attention to the fact that I was doing so well on my diet; I ate the cake and a couple of pastries. While I am always responsible for what I put into my mouth, I was driven to distraction by the negative encouragement. Yes, it is on me… but my friend can claim an assist.

    Let me be clear, and this applies to both religion and to weight management: You can either be my advocate and ally one hundred percent of the time, or you can kindly shut up and keep your critiques and opinions to yourself. Do you remember how well you said I was doing? I did all of that without your advice and I am certainly not going to follow any advice to stop doing well. Some would say that your negative encouragement is counter intuitive. I say it is stupid and offensive, and I don’t want to hear it. Take your ‘advice’ to cheat just this once and shove it up your ass.