Losing a part of me

Category: Travel

  • 2026 Day 23

    First and foremost… it is bone-chillingly cold out there. Princess Sophie begrudgingly went out for a very quick pee, and then turned right around and headed inside to the warmth and comfort of our neighbour’s couch. Even with her pretty sweater she was having none of it. The fact that I have to go out – and to downtown Toronto no less – fills me with dread. My original plan was to take a relaxed train ride into the city, but with this cold I checked and there is plenty of indoor parking at my destination, and so I will go by car. Aside from the cold, there is a security issue as well. I am picking up sensitive documents that I cannot lose for any reason, and the chances of having my backpack stolen on the train are greater than if I got safely into my car.

    My weight was down nearly another pound this morning, which means that I have dropped 17.8 lbs. since my Day 1 (despite the week of falling off the wagon), and 20 lbs. even since I saw my doctor in November, which puts my weight loss since then at just over nine kilos… and one kilogram away from fulfilling my promise when I see her on Monday. I will be very happy if I can achieve that, despite how disappointed I am with myself knowing how much better I could have done. Those damned stressors and anxieties.

    After two pretty bad nights, I slept well last night. In fact, compared to the previous nights, I slept like a baby!

    • Sleep score: 82 (Good)
    • Duration: 6h39m (Fair)
    • Stress: 14 avg (Good)
    • Deep: 1h15m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h05m (Good)
    • REM: 1h19m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 6m, 30 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    At some point in the middle of the night Her Floofness woke me up because she wanted a drink, and I took that as an opportunity to pee. I had an alarm set for 6:15am because of my planned foray into Toronto, so my sleep really was time limited. With all that, I know that any night I do not turn off the lights before 11:45pm will not be excellent… but I’ll take it.

    At this point I am just procrastinating. I do not want to leave the house before 9am to avoid the worst of the traffic, but at the same time I do not want to leave so late that my return would inhibit productivity this afternoon. I have a lot to get done, and I want to get it done!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1175

    I did not do well yesterday. Travel days are always difficult for me. I will do better today. It is still ridiculously cold out (-5°, with winds it feels like -8°) so I did not have a cigar last night. It is unlikely that I will have one today because I do have to teach this evening.

    My sleep was not great… I woke up a few times trying to figure out where I was. It was weird because I have spent more nights than I can count in hotels. I did get seven hours of sleep… it just was not restorative (according to my fitness watch).

    I am going downstairs to get a cup of coffee because while there is a Keurig in the room there is no milk. I will then make my way over to my client site where, for the first time in four years, I will teach in front of a live audience. Yay!

  • Day 1174

    Holy crap it is cold out there. Yesterday afternoon I joked with someone that if there was any more inclement weather this season it would be my fault because I had my winter tyres switched out for the summer tyres Monday morning. we laughed ironically in the way we would when we blame someone who had their car washed for the rain. We probably should have checked the forecast before laughing.

    As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep last night I could not help but notice the howling winds outside. It sounded like we might see the Wicked Witch of the West searching for her sister’s feet under neighbourhood houses this morning. I figured at least the storm was blowing through in the night, and should be passed in the morning. No such luck.

    As I dressed to take Her Floofness out this morning, I checked the weather as I always do. The temperature was a brisk (sic!) -6°, but with the high winds (with gusts up to 50km/h) the windchill would make it feel like -17°. Just to clarify, we are in the second week of April, and no, this is not normal. Our walk was not as long as it usually would be on a clear spring morning.

    After a disastrous night the previous night, I did take a couple of naps yesterday and was able to make it through my class. When I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I had plenty on my mind… and none of it was good. I did not expect much, but when I woke up this morning I could not remember waking up in the night. My sleep score was 87, and while I only slept 7 hours it was quite restorative. I am now eager to attack today with gusto!

    What do I have going on today? I have to pack my car and drive to the other side of Toronto to check into my hotel. I will pick up my dry cleaning on the way, but until 6:30pm (when I am meeting a friend for dinner) I have nothing to rush. I do have some work that I would like to get done, so I might do that before hitting the road. We will see.

    The week before last I was a bit off my game, and the instructor evaluations for the class I taught reflected that. I knew going into last week’s class that I needed to redeem myself, and I think I did. This morning I was able to review my evals for last week’s class and not only did the numbers reflect my success, but some of the student comments absolutely made my morning. A couple that stood out:

    “(Mitch) has been an amazing instructor and i will remember these past 5 days due to how engaging he has been. I took this course a few years back and i can hands down say he is my favorite teacher! 100 stars if i could”

    “Mitch is a seasoned instructor with excellent delivery of information. He is able to provide examples and definitions. He has character and charisma. Mitch is probably the best instructor that I’ve had to date, he keeps me captivated and engaged, he’s able to take something boring and make it interesting. He both asks and answers questions from students, he is very dedicated to the subject which he teaches and has a delivery of the subject that is better than any instructor that I’ve had in my life.”

    “Thank you for the great examples you gave in class. When I took a practice test for Security+, I remember them, and they helped me to answer the questions more easily. Your way of teaching really helped me understand the material better.”

    “Mitch needs a raise”

    These were, it should be mentioned, from four different students. Even so, not everyone was 100% satisfied… I just don’t know why not because he or she did not leave a comment. Oh well.

    The sun is shining bright through my window and I have to remember that were I to step outside I would be blown away and frozen solid. Okay that is an exaggeration, but it is cold and not exactly ‘walking outside comfortably’ weather. I hope the wind will abate by this evening so I might be able to enjoy a cigar outside my hotel… if not? it will not be the end of the world.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1171

    I am not having an easy time of it emotionally. I am doing my best to stay focused, and I am trying my best to stay on track with my program. It is mostly working, and my weight continues to drop day over day. I am seven pounds lighter than I was on Tuesday, but that still has me at a terrible number. The fact that my world seems to be falling apart around me does not make it easy to stay on track.

    I am looking ahead at the week, and I know that I will be in a hotel from Tuesday through Friday, and then Friday evening is my lodge’s banquet, and then Saturday evening is the first Passover seder. While I was hoping to be below 300 lbs. in time for the banquet that is not realistic, but I am hoping to at least continue to lose weight through my three days on the road. I know, it is strange that I will be ‘on the road’ in the same city, but that is the way it is when you live in a city this big.

    I have been taking it easy today, but in a couple of hours will head down to Grimsby to see a couple of friends.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1169

    I am back on track with my partial program, and am while I am seeing results, two days is not enough to see anything really. I need to go for a few weeks to make it real.

    There is an old saying that if you do not like the weather in Canada… wait a minute. Yesterday the temperatures were hovering around 0°, with the wind chill making it feel like -5°. It snowed and when I looked out around 5:30pm there was probably 3″ of accumulation – not unheard of, but certainly not common for this part of the country on the second day of April. This morning when I took Her Floofness out there was only a hint of snow left, with temperatures hovering around 14°. It is rainy and windy (the wind chill right now has it feeling like 5°) but the actual high temperature is expecting to hit 17°by noon. The wind is not forecast to abate until the evening. Welcome to springtime in Canada.

    Since Princess Sophie did not feel like walking much in the rain, I am thinking about taking her out at lunch. I will, of course, also take her out before I head to Grimsby this evening… but we will see. I might have to answer a bunch of emails at lunch so that might not be feasible.

    I did something today that I have not done in decades: I popped the top button on my shirt from sneezing. It was not because my neck is bigger today than it was the last time I wore the shirt (it is not), but rather because I knew that I had secured it improperly… probably too high on my neck; it felt tight, and I was about to adjust the collar when AHCHOO!!!! pop goes the button. I decided to wear the shirt anyways – my tie was already tied, and I was running late because I slept through my alarm. Looking at myself in the mirror I still look dapper, so I will let it go. With that said, this shirt will go into a pile to go to the tailor.

    Speaking of sleeping in… I must have needed it, because I do not even remember my alarm going off this morning. While it is set for 5:45am, I rolled out of bed around 7am to the slight panic of ‘Crap, I’m late!’ I knew that I was not really late… especially since breakfast is no longer a sit-down meal, but a blended meal-replacement shake. I was still sitting at my computer at 8:05am with my shake and coffee. Had Princess Sophie wanted to go for her full walk that would have extended to 8:30am, which would have still had me logged in for my class thirty minutes early. No problem. My sleep score was 80 for the second night in a row. Owing to some difficult news I received on Tuesday, my sleep the previous night did not feel very good, but I guess the biometric measurements don’t lie. Last night felt better than the previous night, but that could be because I worked the 14-hour day, and was truly exhausted by the end of it.

    My class this week is going very well. I am really engaging with the students, and I feel that they are really enjoying it. What a relief after the class I delivered last week… I felt like a fish out of water and just could not get my footing. It is a relief to be back on terra firma. Next week I am teaching Wednesday through Friday, and I have to travel for it. It will be my first work-related hotel stay in over four years and I am traveling to… Toronto. Yes, Toronto is so big and the commute would be so long that they are putting me up in a hotel for three nights. Without traffic it would be an hour-long drive. In rush-hour that could easily be 2.5 hours each way, which would be fine for Thursday (when I am free in the evening), but Wednesday evening I have to teach and that would not work. I was not going to argue when they suggested I get a hotel.

    Okay, I guess I should get into the headspace for my class. Showtime is in ten minutes. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1162

    When I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale yesterday morning I wanted to vomit. Despite all of the stress and anxiety, and not to mention the travel, I could not believe that I had gained nine pounds in four days. I was not back to where I had started… I was a couple of paces behind that. So when I stepped onto that horrible device this morning I was hoping to see a significant drop… but would I? I was not exactly perfect with my program yesterday. The drop of more than five pounds was a relief. I was back below 310 lbs., and honestly I was about where I thought I would be after the Montreal trip.

    I am going to do my best to curb my eating today, but I was not able to make it through the day yesterday, so I picked up some pasta (I had to go to the supermarket to get milk, so I made a slight detour down that aisle).

    Today is a short work day… which is to say I am only working from 8:30am to 5:00pm, and will not have to teach in the evening as well. That is tomorrow. I was also booked last-minute for another class next week, which means that I’ll have the crazy Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule again. How fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1161

    Holy crap, my first instinct was right. Despite a number of successful bowel movements these past few days, I gained a ridiculous amount of weight since leaving for Montreal. It is time to get back on track.

    I do have to go to the supermarket today… the milk in my fridge turned, and I do need it for coffee. Actually, it is more likely that I will go tomorrow, as I am teaching from morning until night.

  • Day 1147

    A 500kg weight was lifted off my chest yesterday morning. The interview that I have been stressing over was for my U.S. Green Card. When the Consular Officer told me that she was approving my visa I remained calm. I thanked her and I asked the list of questions I needed to ask, and then without showing any outward emotion I walked out, collected my smart phone and watch from the locker (they make you stow any electronics before entering) and I walked out into the snowy Montreal streets.

    Considering my lack of sleep I was feeling pretty awake. I sat in my car for twenty minutes calling first my wife (she was always going to be my first call whether I was approved or not), and then one Lodge brother who I have been sharing my struggles and anxieties with. I then texted a local friend who I was hoping to have a coffee with while I was in town. I picked up bagels and then drove to his office. By noon I was driving back to where I was staying, stopping along the way to pick up a Montreal smoked meat sandwich for lunch. Yes, I ate poorly yesterday, and there is a good chance that I will not do a lot better today. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my program resumes in earnest.

    I wrote most of what is above in the morning before I hit the road, but I was not able to concentrate and so I packed up and hit the road. It was a long drive with a lot of stops, but I am now home. As I expected (and predicted in the previous paragraph) I did not eat very well today. Driving days are never good for my program. I stopped for lunch, but I then stopped for an early dinner with a friend just north of Toronto. I then made another stop to have coffee with a close friend who has been very supportive of my immigration struggles, and I wanted to tell him in person before just about anyone else.

    I do not know if it was related to the stress and anxiety of it all, but I had not had a proper bowel movement in several days. This morning that changed… and how! I was relieved (both literally and figuratively). When I arrived back home, I had another extremely successful movement, so while I know my weight will still be up tomorrow morning, it is possible that it will not be as bad as I expected it might be. I was expecting to see a five-pound jump. What will it be? Who knows. We will see in the morning.

    Speaking of tomorrow: I will be right back into the thick of it. Tomorrow and Friday I am teaching once again from 8:30am until 10:30pm, and Thursday from 8:30pm until 5:30pm. No rest for the wicked, as they say. As such, I am going to go collect my doggie, and then I am going to try to get some sleep.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 1158

    Yesterday was not a good day for me.

    I was a bit out of sorts when I woke up, but that was not a big issue. I hit the road around 11am and was all ready for a nice and relaxing drive to Montreal. When my diet buddy texted me I called her so that I did not have to text while driving. With no ill intention she caused my stress and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I pulled off the road and fell off a cliff with regard to my eating. Large bags of potato chips are never a good idea. While it is bad that I turn to eating junk when in emotional crisis, at least I recognize it.

    When I arrived at my friends’ house I got some horrible news about his health, and I am doing my best to be as good a friend to him and his wife as I can be. When he woke up this morning we went for a walk and I talked to him about everything, including his feelings and intentions. He will not know a course of treatment until he speaks to his doctors tomorrow, but he has a very positive attitude which is important.

    To top everything off, my wife called me in a panic after our American puppy (HRF Duchess of Mischief) was viciously attacked by a large dog who had gotten away from his owner. We spent quite some time talking because she was in a state, but she did everything right and handled it perfectly, and I told her how proud I was of her. It is fine to fall apart after dealing with a situation; falling apart during an incident is where we fail.

    I am sure I gained seven pounds yesterday, but it is what it is. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1157

    Yesterday was a very hard day, if only because I had to work a fourteen-hour day on about three hours of sleep. I am glad I got through it, and while I did not immediately drop off to sleep after class (I always need time to decompress), I was in bed within fifteen minutes of turning off my computer. My fitness watch registered seven hours and forty-seven minutes of sleep with an incredible sleep score of 92. Whew!

    Princess Sophie went to the neighbour’s yesterday evening, so my morning routine was thrown off this morning. I am not sure when the last time I was this disorganized in the morning! No matter, in a little while I will get into the car and begin the drive to Montreal. I might stop along the way to see a friend along the way, but that is to be decided later. I have a new audio book on how nation-state actors have used malware to wreak havoc, and how it might lead to the destruction of our civilization as we know it. For many this would sound like dystopian fiction, but in my field it is a cross between a bit of light ‘reading’ and research.

    I did not lose weight this morning, but I stayed pretty much where I was yesterday. The combination of having needed another plate of pasta yesterday to make it through my evening class (and the fact that my attempts at moving my bowels this morning were fruitless) makes the status quo a bit of a victory. Now I just hope that I can make it through the trip without losing too much ground, and that I can return home on Tuesday to resume the program Wednesday morning.

    My stress and anxiety levels are again through the roof. My appointments on Monday will determine my future and there are too many factors that are outside of my control for me to be calm and relaxed about it. I have packed sufficient cigars for the next few days… and a bottle of whisky in case I need it.

    Have a great day folks!