Losing a part of me

Today is Sunday, and I have no plans other than staying home and relaxing. I will do some prep work for the class I start teaching tomorrow, even though it is a very basic class. Also, I think I am going to create a number of new Azure AD accounts for myself, each corresponding to one of the training centres that I teach for. That way, I can segregate certain things without worrying about overlap.

This might sound like an irrelevancy, but I am also thinking about moving my laptop from the left side of my ‘teaching’ desk to the right side. The way my desks are set up, I have a shelf that swings out from the side of each desk, and the laptops sit atop that shelf. When my desks are not cluttered (which is something else I will work on today), it gives me more room and a more comfortable workspace. My desks sit at a 90° angle to each other, with a corner table between them on which my printer sits (along with a bunch of other junk, some of which I might declutter today as well). At present, the shelves are both attached to the left of each desk; this means that for my main workstation, the shelf swings out over the printer, and for my main workstation, the shelf swings out over Princess Sophie’s food and drink station… and if I am careless, it would not be difficult to bump it while walking by. I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that I would move the shelf for my teaching desk to the right side of the desk, which would then swing out over the corner table, and might give me a slightly cleaner feeling to the rest of the room. If I do that, I will also be changing the placement of my teaching camera; the laptop is connected to a 34” ultrawide monitor which is my main screen, but when I teach, I only share my laptop screen, which I need to be able to see and talk to. If I leave the camera where it is, I would be showing my students the left side of my head, rather than looking and speaking directly at them. The reason I did not go forward with this change when I first thought about it a couple of weeks ago is that I could not find the proper screwdriver bit. I thought about buying a new one but did not get to a hardware store. I found it yesterday, and the project can proceed. Yes, that is how boring my life can be sometimes.

As I mentioned yesterday, I went for lunch with my son. I ordered the grilled chicken fajita bowl, which is listed at under 800 calories. How sick is our society that the menu option with the fewest calories is still that high? Of course, I ordered it without cheese, but that is not a huge difference. The really big mistake that I made was with the chips and salsa that they bring you to indulge on while you wait for your food to come. The smart move would have been to refuse them, but then my son would have nothing. The next smart move would have been to push them to the other side of the table, where he could chomp on them out of my reach. The really boneheaded move was to leave them where they were and eat a lot of them. Fortunately, the dish is not too big… and when they were done, I rejected the waiter’s offer to bring a refill. I ate about a quarter of the fajita bowl and then packed it up to take home (as my son, always predictable, was ready to do the same with his wings, queso, and chips). Giving it some real thought, I made my first smart decision of the day (or at least at the restaurant). I did pack it up to go… but I left it on the table as we walked out.

After dropping my son off, I came home and was still hungry. Yes, I had devoured the chips, but I hardly touched my protein… and empty calories do not really fill you up for long. I decided to compromise, so rather than making my usual meal, I made a single piece of chicken with a salad. Add to that a protein bar later in the day, and I was good. No… I was not good. The chips made me very bad. My appetite for the day was satisfied, which is far from the same as being good.

The bathroom scale this morning read the same as it did yesterday, which is not at all surprising. Frankly, it is a bit of a relief that with the chips and all that I was not heavier. My goal for today is to eat normally and not veer from my program… and hopefully tomorrow that number will be down.

Over the last couple of months, I have written many times about the emotional and psychological troubles that I am going through right now. I am not sharing here because while this journal is meant to be my outlet, it is also meant to be dedicated to my weight loss journey, and not about the rest of my life. In good times I tend to share many things that I would not be willing to share in bad times. These last couple of days I have finally opened up to a very close friend about what is going on. I also know that Thursday I will be meeting with my therapist for the first session in our new regular cadence, and I will speak with her about it. I mention this because a couple of friends have reached out to me and said ‘Hey Mitch, I read what’s going on. If you need to talk, I am here for you.’ My response has always been negative, but the sentiment is always appreciated. I want these friends – and anyone thinking of reaching out – to know that I am not bottling things up. I am just not going to share certain aspect of my life with the Internet. This is the third time that I am writing such a journal; the first two times they were completely private, so I could unload without fear of anyone reading it. This time around, every journal entry is also a blog post. My hope is that one day both the blog and the journal can be an inspiration to others who are going through a similar weight loss journey. The positives are helpful, but some of the negatives are too private to share.

As I prepare to redouble my efforts on the program, I am renewing my hunt for the meal replacements that are actually on the program that I want to follow, rather than looking for things that might be similar on Amazon. The ones that I like are part of a medically prescribed program, and they include all of the nutrients that our bodies need. It is not simply about calories, proteins, and the regular macronutrients that we are all focused on. As I have stated before, while I will not name the program (for a number of reasons), it is slightly different between Canada and the USA. In the USA I can buy the products on eBay, but not in Canada. As I do not know when I will be back in the USA, I am going to see if I can source them here. I think I have a lead, and hope that this week I can confirm the source. Unlike previous attempts, I am not looking exclusively at buying from people who dropped off the program. I have a lead on a source that is a doctor’s office. I might have to give them my health card info so they can charge the government for a doctor’s visit… but that does not bother me. I will keep you in the loop as to how it pans out.

This morning was the first time in a couple of weeks that Princess Sophie and I went out for our walk and the temperatures were below freezing. Yesterday during the day, it dropped below 0° as well, but it was only when I came home in the early evening (from smoking cigars with Eduardo) that they dropped. The high for the day should be at the freezing mark, which is still unseasonably warm for January in Canada. Yes, it is a big country, and some parts of it are warmer; for the Greater Toronto and Hamilton Area, 0° is above average for the first week of January. A month ago, there was a report from Environment Canada that predicted that after a couple of extremely cold weeks, the rest of the winter would be quite mild. That is exactly how it has panned out so far. With that said, I am not rushing to sit outside today. I just do not know if I am in the mood for a cigar. Before anyone gets worried that I am signaling that I have been kidnapped, there are times when I am not in the mood for a cigar. I am not saying that I couldn’t be convinced, but I am not yearning for it. Also, even with the heater, I do not feel like sitting outside in the cold today. Knowing what my schedule looks like for the week, I likely will not have an opportunity to smoke before next weekend… but that is not the end of the world.

Have a great day folks! It is time to prepare lunch.