Losing a part of me

Today will be better than yesterday.

I wrote last night that I was having a very difficult time of it. I was down and depressed with no motivation to do anything other than binge-watch reruns of old television programs. It was weird though; I was not completely out of sorts, I was just… blah. I enjoyed my cigars, but I was just not enjoying life. I thought perhaps it was because I was angry with myself over my failures of the previous day.

They say that therapists need therapy and that attorneys should never represent themselves. I spend so much time writing about positive attitudes and stratagem that it might make one think that I am some sort of fifties television father who never gets cross, or at least never too much and never for too long. I try to be as positive and upbeat as I can be, even in the face of sadness, disappointment, and failure. Most of the time it works. There are also days like yesterday when it really does not.

There is a quote from one of my favourite TV shows: “Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it till you make it.” I sometimes put on a brave and happy face even when I am not feeling brave or happy. I do so in the hope that if I do it enough, the maskirovka will become reality. Last night during our chat Leslie wrote: “If only it was as easy as you giving me some patience and me giving you some of my self discipline…” The funny thing about that is that while I do my best to demonstrate the greatest patience at all times, it is not my normal state. My inner nature is one of instant gratification. That impatience has never served me well and I do my best to suppress it, but I do my best to always maintain that outer calmness… even when my interiors are bursting with ‘I want it now!’

I think of all of this, and I think of how I fell completely off the wagon on Saturday, and how rather than letting myself go I forced myself to be better yesterday. I think of how it is when I am alone and down when food would really make me feel better… if only for a little while. I think of days like yesterday and how, despite being emotionally miserable, I stayed true to the program. It is because I was able to do this, because I was able to tell myself that my depression was rooted in the higher numbers on the bathroom scale that were caused by the cheating of the previous day that I was able to say to myself: ‘It does not matter that food will make me feel better now… I want to feel better tomorrow, which is exactly why I cannot eat now. Leslie reminded me that however the food might make me feel in the present, it is only a temporary high. In that way it is exactly like an addiction to narcotics, which is a comparison I have often made… although I am not sure I have ever framed it in the context of a food-high. It is nevertheless quite apt a comparison. Foods – and especially unhealthy foods – give us an emotional high that makes us feel better now… even while it is making us fat and unhealthy. I suppose I do not need a twelve-step program; I only need to chat with my wife and then think about what she said as I write in my journal. Wisdom achieved.

While I did not do so on purpose, I woke up and got ready earlier today than I usually do. I needed a shower – I just felt dingy – and then I took the Floof for her walk. I had my omelette, and as I sit here typing the end of today’s journal entry it is not yet 9:30am. Having had too many days when, knowing I am not working, I might procrastinate and check Facebook and whatever else until I realize that it is time for my midday meal replacement, and then wonder where the day went. Not today. By 9:45am I will be outside on the balcony with my coffee and cigar with my computer in front of me, noise-cancelling earplugs in to block out the distractions, and I will be studying until it actually is time for my midday meal replacement. In the afternoon I am getting together with friends (either one or two, depending on who shows up), and at 5:00pm I will send them on their merry way so that I can enjoy my late-afternoon meal replacement before I begin my class. Following my class I hope my wife will be free to talk, but I understand that when her son (my stepson) is with her she is not always able to do so. I might enjoy another cigar on the patio and, if Leslie is not available, I might watch television for an hour, comfortable in the knowledge that it is a short distraction after a full and productive day. I will try to be asleep at a reasonable hour.

Okay, so right there was my first distraction. I went to check my calendar to see if I had forgotten anything I need to do today and ended up also checking a few other things. I lost maybe fifteen minutes on it and will still be out and getting things done in the next twenty minutes or so. I would give my ADHD meds credit for my not getting so easily distracted, and for not going down the rabbit hole for quite so long… but then why did I do so several days over the last week? No, I think this morning I am just focused and determined to be productive.

Before I close, I do want to write a bit about the timing of my meal replacements. I mentioned last week that I suspected one of the reasons I failed a couple of times was that I was pushing my meal replacements too far, and in so doing I was letting my hunger get past the point of being satisfied by a 225-calorie meal replacement. Yesterday I realized at a certain point that I was due (or overdue) for my midday meal replacement, but I wanted to finish my cigar, so I waited even longer. I decided then to be cognizant of that and fight any urges that I might feel. I did feel somewhat peckish in the afternoon, but not so bad that I needed to cheat. The excellent cigar I was smoking (and the glass of iced tea) might have helped. I then forced myself to have my second meal replacement at 5:30pm, even though it was only three hours since my previous one. That way I was well positioned to prepare my final meal replacement at 8:45pm… at the tail end of the worst of my glumness, and early enough that I would feel accomplished in not eating any later in the evening (which is never good on any weight loss program).

The timing of meal replacements on a program as extreme as this is so important to plan. Begin too early in the day and you can find yourself near the end of the day with no more allotment of calories, but still hungry. Begin too late in the day and you might find yourself eating or drinking the last one way too late to promote good sleep and healthy weight loss. When I was on the extreme program – remember, I am having my morning omelette so it is a modified program – I remember each time I began doing the math to see how far apart I should space them, as well as what time I should have the first one. There are other factors at play here… if you are commuting or taking care of a child or in meetings then it might be necessary to plan around those. That is why each person’s program will look a little bit different… but the stratagem are equally important to all of us.

After an extremely good one yesterday I was hoping that I would be able to successfully move my bowels again today, but despite adding fibre to at least one and often two shakes every day, it seems the dry spell was only briefly interrupted by one good storm, and my efforts today have again thus far been to no avail. I would have thought that following the cheat day I would have at least gotten a couple of days of crap out of it, but so far that is not to be. The weird things we think of when dieting and trying to change our bodies. In any event, while my efforts in the W.C. provided none, I did get good news from the bathroom scale: I dropped the weight I had gained from Saturday’s cheat and my weight is once again below 260 lbs.

Have a great day folks!