Losing a part of me

I lay in bed a few hours ago trying to take a nap before class, and I was thinking about how to open this journal entry. I spent several minutes bandying about the opening sentence of, “I followed some really bad advice yesterday, and because of that I find myself in a bad spot.”

I was tossing and turning as I thought about that. I do not think I was able to relax and get some sleep until I realized how unfair that statement was. The advice was essentially that with my schedule this week I should not be restricting myself to 900 calories if my body was not reacting well to it, and that I should get some healthy protein to get through the week, and resume on the strict program over the weekend. What I did with that was turn it into ‘Well, I am teaching until after 9:00pm, and then I need to take Sophie for a walk, and the supermarket will already be closed anyways, so I will order food in…and as long as it is somewhat healthier than the Chinese food that I had ordered the night before then I could feel good about myself.’ I knew as I ordered the shawarma plate that it was not as bad for my diet as Chinese food… but there is a gaping chasm between not as bad… and good. That was on me, and not on anyone else.

By saying that it was bad advice I was trying to pass the blame onto my diet buddy for my not sticking to my program. It was absolutely not her fault, it was mine. Had I followed her advice then I would have gone to the store, picked up a piece of fish or beef or chicken, and cooked it healthily at home. That would have been the smart thing to do, and I will probably do that today. Her advice was good; the way I (mis)interpreted was terrible, and is on me.

I am definitely having trouble getting through this week, but honestly if I was only working then I would be fine. The fact that I had to take my car to the shop on Tuesday took 2-3 hours of possible sleep away from me (not to mention that Her Floofness got me out of bed early because she needed to go outside). Wednesday afternoon I could have slept right up until it was time for me to start teaching my evening class… except I had to set my alarm to go pick up my car before the shop closed, which deprived me of another 90 minutes of sleep. Between my evening class and my overnight class I should have been able to get three solid hours of sleep… but I had some work I needed to get done for another project before midnight, and I ordered food, and so I ended up getting 45 minutes of sleep. The lesson learned for the next time I have this kind of schedule is to go completely offline for the week except for my teaching.

I know that I should not be weighing myself at unusual times and expecting good results. I stepped onto the scale at 4:20 (before I went to get my car) and was up by 5 lbs. – partly due to the time of day, but also because I ate extremely salty and fried Chinese food the previous evening. I have nobody to blame but myself.

It has been a rough week, but I will take the necessary steps today to ease myself back into good habits. I will pick up some healthy proteins so that I do not order in. Saturday I will resume my program and I will get myself back on track.