Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 321

    I have been having a very difficult time of it of late. I have glossed over a lot of it, not wanting to share the depths of my despair, but the last few days it has been harder to hide. I walked out of the house yesterday on my way to Eduardo’s, and as I walked out the front door, I thought to myself ‘why bother?’ It is getting harder and harder, and I am getting less and less results and frankly less support, so why do I bother? I don’t care about myself, whether I live or die, so why do I care if I lose weight? Why don’t I just splurge, go out to Montana’s and pick up a huge order of deep fried Buffalo wings? Why don’t I pick up a bag of chips – or three – and watch the World Cup the way I would have ten years ago? Chips, wings, beer or whisky (or at least sodas), and pizza? How great would that be? Okay, maybe that would be excessive… maybe I could just go out for wings though. Fuck it all and damn the torpedoes.

    I did not do any of that. I wanted to, believe me. I was depressed enough that I thought about it, but I did not do it. My compromise was to have a piece of bread with a slice of cheese while watching the games. For lunch, I had a bowl of Cheerios… with skim milk. While not on my program, it was certainly not the worst thing I could have done. Even when Eduardo asked if I wanted to go out for lunch between the matches, I said no thank you. Thinking back on the options I would have had to eat in a restaurant, and how low my defenses were, I think we can all agree this was a very smart move.

    I am not going to Eduardo’s this morning. Yes, I will go in the afternoon for the second match, but I have things to do this morning. I am also so down that I do not think that I could be strong for a second day in a row, so I plan to stay home until after lunch. I am less likely to splurge out there if I have already eaten a full meal that I prepared at home… a meal, I should add, that is fully in line with my program.

    My weight was indeed down this morning, but who cares? The way I am feeling, I sure don’t. I want to give up… not just on weight loss, but on everything. Despite so many opportunities presenting themselves now, I feel like a complete and total failure. I am not employed, but despite having several contracts, as well as opportunities for more contracts on my plate, I hate where I am at. I am reticent to take a job in Canada, knowing that I will be moving to the United States in less than a year. At the same time, until I have my visa for the USA, I am not allowed to take a job there. I am at the whim of those who offer me contracts; thankfully those have sustained me. My problem is that while I am motivated to fulfil those contracts, my motivation to grow beyond where I am has fallen of late. I am trying, but I find it so hard to pull myself up, and when I am not contracted, I am wasting my time. I have to either be learning, or writing, or even working out. How do I get from where I am to where I need to be? That is the Sixty-Four Dollar question.

    Will I be able to succeed with that? Will I be able to get back on track with my work, with my life? I don’t know if, and I don’t know how. This morning my ex-wife and I had a meeting with a school that we are considering sending our son to, and I reflected (as I so often have) on my part in his life, and if he might not be better off if I was not around. This question is not limited to him. Maybe the world would be a better place… but until I figure that out, I will make my chicken and salad for lunch, and then I will go to watch the afternoon football match… and I will put on the brave and happy face that most people think is the real me, and I will continue to fool almost everyone. I wish I could fool myself.

    This is likely the most negative entry I have written in eleven months of writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Most of the time I am upbeat and happy, at least on the outside. When I am not, I try to put that face on anyways. After all, weight loss journals are not supposed to be about wanting to give up and end it all… but here I am. I do not have the energy or the will to lie about it today. If I have one drink today then I will open and finish a bottle, so I will not do that. If I take one pill, then I would do the same thing. If I went to a restaurant, I would not have the ability to order a small plate of anything, and unlike the Chinese food that Leslie and I shared a couple of weeks ago, not only would I not be throwing anything out, there would not even be any leftovers. Knowing all of that, I have put my chicken into the air fryer to make my lunch. After posting this entry as a blog article, I will go prepare my salad. I picked up Charlie (the neighbour dog) to come over to play with Princess Sophie, in the hopes that their playing would cheer me up a little. Here’s hoping.

    Have a great day folks. I won’t, but hope you do anyways.

  • Day 320

    My emotions are getting worse. As I try to do better, things keep getting harder for me. This includes but is not limited to my weight loss. It is harder for me to put on a brave and happy face for my friends, and I think they are starting to worry. They cannot help me, I have to help myself, or rather, I have to get help from a professional who can guide me through the process of getting better. I need someone who will call me on crap and hold me accountable; I need someone who will make me accept hard realities and to face them. I hope I have the courage to accept these realities… and to fix as much as I can.

    I arrived at my friend’s house in Cambridge yesterday without the means to make a meal replacement. I indulged in the sort of junk foods that I know are going to make me gain weight immediately. Of course, that is exactly what happened. This morning I am heavier than I am. If I am to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022, I need to lose fifteen pounds in the next twenty-five days. Is that achievable? Yes. Is it as realistic today as it was three weeks ago? No.

    I hate getting it wrong. I am not talking about weight loss, or at least not exclusively about that. Every time I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, I wonder how it happened. There was a time in my life when I would do what I wanted to do, whether I knew it to be wrong or not. That is not the case now. I keep trying to do right, and I keep failing. Things that I think are right, okay, and acceptable are coming back to bite me… hard. I wonder though how come it is okay to be punished for trying to do right? I am willing to learn. I am trying to improve. I am starting to wonder if that is good enough… and if I can ever be good enough.

    In a few moments I will drive to my friend’s house to watch the World Cup, and I will try again to put on a happy face. I am not happy. I don’t think that matters to anyone anymore. Even the act of putting on a happy façade is held against me. Hey look! Autocorrect actually put a cedilla under the c.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 319

    I was almost perfect on my program yesterday, and yet my weight is up nearly a pound from yesterday. It is so frustrating, but I also know that weight loss is about the trend, and not the individual dots on the chart. I will keep at it today. I am going to be out for a lot of the day, to Milton for the first match, then Cambridge for the afternoon… where I hope they will allow me to watch the second match on one of the several televisions in the cigar lounge. Other than that? I just have to stay on track and keep my eyes on the prize.

    Aside from my weight this morning, yesterday was a resounding success. I went to the walk-in clinic, where they prescribed the same meds that had my knee feeling better a couple of weeks ago. After three pills so far, the pain is gone! That does not mean that I will stop the course of treatment… I want to keep the pain away. I went to the lab to have my blood sucked by the vampire, and while I waited, I went out to the pharmacy in the lobby to fill my prescription, telling them I would collect it after my appointment. I was halfway home by the time I realized I had not done so and would have to double back. No matter, I continued into Burlington, where I filled my gas tank, filled my empty propane tank, and stopped in to Sleep Country to redeem my warranty claim on my mattress. The new one will be delivered next Monday.

    From there I doubled back to the pharmacy to collect my pills. As it turned out, the doubling back was not out of the way. While I was in Burlington, Sam called me to invite me to his cousin’s place to watch the match and to smoke cigars. It was truly a great afternoon; the cousin (Tony) and I got along very well, and I doubt this will be a one-off visit.

    Off to start my day all! There’s football to be watched.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 318

    My psychological and emotional pains continue to haunt me. I have to find a way to peacefully get past my hurdles. I said months ago that there would be a point where I need help, and I think I have reached that place. I have reached out to a therapist I used to work with, and hope that she can help me to continue to get better and to grow. I do not think these issues are what are stopping me from doing better on my weight loss program, although I am sure they are a contributing factor. I do know that five years ago, when I first lost all of my weight, she was able to help me.

    Yesterday did not go terrible, but I could have done better. For example, I could have eaten part of a challah roll… instead of two of them with peanut butter. I think that was my only transgression. I finally relented and let Eduardo give me a bowl of Thai chicken curry soup. While the nutritional values were not listed (which I thought very strange), the ingredients did not seem overly dangerous. There was a lot of chicken in it, which is not a bad thing.

    My plans for today are waiting confirmation from a friend of Eduardo’s. Either we three are going to spend the afternoon at Sam’s cousin’s house, or Eduardo and I will watch the afternoon match at his apartment. Before that, I plan to go to the walk-in clinic. My knee has gotten bad again, and I need to have it looked at. Assuming it is the same issue I had before (gout), the temporary solution will be another round of anti-inflammatory meds. With that said, I am hoping the lab is open today, so I can also get my blood work done. If it is not, then that will be my plan for Monday morning. While I will have to miss one of the football matches, my health is more important. I also suspect that I will not be watching tomorrow’s matches, as I am visiting with Ryan and his crew… and while they consider themselves sports fans, that really only means they watch American football.

    Unless things go bad at the walk-in clinic (which is to say, if I have a five hour wait) then I will also go to Sleep Country to arrange for my new mattress to be delivered. My warranty claim was finally approved last night (I received it at nearly 8:00pm), and while I have been sleeping comfortably on this defective mattress for over a year, I do not know how long it will take for them to deliver my new mattress… I want the new mattress to be here in time for Leslie’s next visit (25 days from today).

    Okay, I just spoke with Eduardo, and I am going to hit the road. First stop: Walk-in clinic. After that? That will depend on a lot of things, including timing and the next call I get from Eduardo.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 317

    Some things are just too ridiculous to be made up. There is a lettuce shortage in Canada. Yes, there is an actual run on lettuce. It seems that much of Canada’s lettuce comes from farms in California that have of late been affected by a bug of some sort that has damaged or destroyed most of the crops. This is why I have been paying Five Dollars for a head of romaine these last few weeks.

    The run on lettuce has, until yesterday, been a minor financial inconvenience. My son the younger and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner, where he ordered his usual… ten pieces of boneless wings with barbecue sauce, and a plate of fried mozzarella sticks. I also ordered my usual: a crispy chicken salad with no cheese or bacon. All is well, right? All was well until the waiter returned to the table several minutes later to inform me that because of the lettuce shortage, the restaurant cannot currently serve salads, and would I like to order something else? Knowing that every other item on their menu would be completely incompatible with my eating program – and really any weight loss program – I decided to decline, eating my son’s celery and carrots (which he never eats), and waited until I got home to prepare my normal chicken dinner and salad (I am not hoarding lettuce, but I do have most of a head of romaine in the fridge).

    I know what you are thinking. You know that my main meal is usually enjoyed at lunch, to maximize the digestion time between eating and going to sleep. Well, things did not go completely as planned yesterday, so I did not expect to lose any weight on my bathroom scale this morning. The 3.6 lbs. drop was a real shock, but a welcome one. I am still above 305 lbs., but I am still within reach of my goal to lose one hundred pounds in 2022. I have twenty-nine days to lose just over ten pounds. That is realistic… if I stick to my program.

    My plans for today are, once again, to watch World Cup football with Eduardo. I will leave there after the second match, which should be around 4:00pm. I will stop at Fortino’s to pick up my challah, and I will call my beautiful wife to light the candles and to say the Sabbath prayers. If there is one thing I need today it is peace in my heart and in my soul. The blessings of the Sabbath do bring me a modicum of peace, and I desperately need that. I need other things too, but that is another story. I am reaching out for those things as well, and hope that I can get what I need.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 316

    I am just in from walking Princess Sophie. If there is one thing we can count on in Canada it is that sometime around December 1st we are going to truly notice that it is winter. I was listening to CBC Radio, and they were talking about the blustery weather in downtown Toronto. I would not classify the weather here in Burlington as blustery, but it is certainly cold and windy. While I doubt that this is quite what Shakespeare was talking about, now truly is the winter of our discontent… unless you happen to like cold and blustery weather.

    The weather turned on a dime yesterday. When I took Her Floofness for her morning walk, it was hovering around 9° Celsius. When I left Eduardo’s apartment after the second football match, it was hovering around the freezing point, with gusting winds and a bit of snow. When I came home, I prepared my meal, and had been pretty good on my program to that point. Later in the evening, I took Princess Sophie for another walk, and it was cold and windy; it was the sort of weather that gets into your bones, and I just could not warm up when we came home. I decided to warm up some of my homemade chicken soup. A couple of bowls later, my insides were nice and warm.

    CBC Radio did a segment this morning about scarves. They sent a correspondent out to ask people about their scarves, and even invited listeners to call in to discuss their heartwarming scarf stories. A year ago I would have laughed at the idea. As they talked to passers by about theirs, I thought of the scarf that I was wearing. It was knit for me with love by the woman who I would later marry, but at the time we were dating. It is not only warm and long and gorgeous, I feel especially warm when wearing it because of the love that went into it. While the broadcaster discussed people having a variety of scarves in their wardrobe for different occasions, I thought of the two that I have. The first I bought in Nara, Japan. While it is made of silk and very pretty, it has not made an appearance around my neck since Leslie gave me the scarf she made for me. I love it and cherish it. I should also mention that it is sized perfectly, because even though I am nearly ninety pounds slimmer than when she gave it to me, it still fits!

    Speaking of weight loss: my weight once again dipped below the 310-pound mark today. I am going to do much the same today as I did yesterday, and hopefully I will drop another pound tomorrow morning. We’ll see. In the meantime, I am going to head to Eduardo’s. He is going to try to feed me (as he did yesterday). I am going to politely but persistently refuse. As long as I can smoke my cigars, I am happy. I also have a couple of meal replacement shakes with me… should I get hungry.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 315

    The last couple of days were very emotional for me, and with that came some emotional eating. Today is the day that I get back on track. Yes, I miss her… but I will be good. I am going to spend a good part of the day at Eduardo’s condo watching World Cup football. The morning games are less interesting to me than the afternoon when Argentina is playing Poland. I have always been an Argentina supporter, and while I was absolutely cheering for Canada this year, they are not going forward, so I will revert back to my long-time favourites.

    Can I stay true to my diet today? I am going to do my best. I will bring meal replacements with me so that I do not have to cheat while I am there. I know it is had, but I have to get back on track!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 314

    Leslie went home yesterday, and I am very sad. Last night when I got home (after a stop-over to see a buddy and have a cigar) I ate my feelings. Most of what I ate was not bad for me, but the quantity of what I ate was. I should also point out that I had a steak for dinner because the chicken would have taken far too long to defrost. I did defrost the chicken for today, and I will resume my regular meal plans going forward.

    I am not sure how much weight I gained between September 2021 and January 2022, but it is clear that the apex of my weight during the last fifteen months since I bought my bed would also be the heaviest I have ever been – just under four hundred pounds. This is relevant because very early on in my ownership of the bed I noticed that it was losing its structural integrity along the sides – where I would sit on the bed to put my shoes on, for example. With a fifteen-year warranty on the bed and mattress, I decided yesterday that it was time to make that call. I spoke with the customer representative, and she sent me a link to submit photos of the damage. I did that this morning, and within a few days I should find out that they will be sending me a new mattress. Yay. Now that I am ninety pounds lighter than my maximum, I am reasonably confident that I will not be having the same issues with my new mattress. If I do… well, I will go through the same process again, in another forty to fifty pounds.

    Dropping Leslie off at the airport is always painful for me. I miss her so much, and aside from my binging on food last night, I also did not sleep very well. It took me an hour and a half of lying in bed to realize that I should take a melatonin gummy. During her visit I do not think I had a problem falling asleep once. We have to find a way to expedite our living together. The whole ‘It’s going to take another year’ thing is painful.

    My plans for today are to get back on my weight management program. That’s it. Nothing else. Well, my house cleaner is coming today as well, so I will stay out of her way and let her do my thing. Aside from that, I have nothing going on. I might watch a football match in the afternoon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 313

    I was shocked to get on the scale this morning to discover I am three pounds down from what I weighed the first morning Leslie arrived. The surprise is from the fact that I have not been on my program. I have not been going overboard, but I have not been sticking to it. There were only three days when I did not have a meal replacement shake for breakfast, including today; this morning was the only time we went out for breakfast, but we have eaten out several meals over these ten days. While we did not eat out last night, I prepared a spaghetti and meat sauce for us, which is absolutely not on the program… but it was good. Three pounds down… truly the best I could have hoped for, especially since I was expecting to be five pounds up.

    Today is a very sad say, knowing that after lunch I will be driving Leslie to the airport. We are starting the countdown to her next visit, another thirty days. It breaks my heart knowing that we will be apart for that long, and I know it pains her as bad if not worse.

    Over those thirty days, it is my intention to stick to my weight loss routine. I will be doing much less (and hopefully no) cheating than I have been doing. Additionally, I will be hitting the gym several times per week. I will make sure I am doing a mixture of cardio (mostly on the treadmill) and muscle building (mostly with the machines). I know that these are a good combination to help me to lose weight. I will make sure to eat healthy proteins after, as well as a small amount of carbohydrates before each workout. I will be mindful of my knee, but the knowledge that my problems there were caused by gout and not by an injury means that I will be able to ramp up to a good level quicker than if I had to baby that leg.

    While I am not counting my weight as a victory (nor as a loss), I do have one non-scale victory to report. This morning I was able to squeeze into my Levi’s 501 Size 40 jeans. You may remember that a few weeks ago – a couple of days after slicing open my finger – I tried to wear them by accident and thought I might have been able to close the top button if I had use of my finger. Today they are tight, and it did take me a couple of tries to secure that top button, but they fit, and I am wearing them comfortably. Owing to the smaller waist of the pants, I am also wearing my Size 40 belt that I was not able to wear before. Woohoo!

    After dropping Leslie at the dreaded airport, I will meet Eduardo to watch Uruguay in the World Cup. He is a huge fan, and knowing that Canada has no chance to advance, I will support his team to defeat Portugal. Yes, I am officially supporting Argentina, but I can also get behind my buddy’s squad. After the match, we will likely go to his house for a cigar. I wish I could spend the afternoon and evening with my wife. The countdown’s on.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 312

    Yesterday was a very relaxing day for us. I prepared an omelette for breakfast, and we shared the leftover challah roll from the previous evening’s Shabbat blessings. I then enjoyed a cigar on the balcony in the morning as Leslie sat knitting. We did not need the heater on which is impressive for November 26 in this part of the world. We took a very relaxing afternoon nap together, which is something we both enjoy tremendously!

    We spent the evening at Lyle and Dorothy’s, together with Rob and his wife Pippa. It was a lovely evening, and as always, the food was spectacular… even though both Lyle and Dorothy were not pleased with the presentation of their parts of the meal. Just sitting and socializing was nice, but the food (and the dessert) was quite tasty!

    After charging it the previous evening, I forgot to don my fitness watch in the morning, so my long walk with Princess Sophie did not get registered. If that is the worst thing that happened in a day, then I am considering it a win! I do not care that Garmin thinks I only walked 2500 steps in a day… we know better!

    Today is Leslie’s last full day in town. Tomorrow afternoon I have to drive her to the airport, and we will be facing yet another month-long separation, which is always hard for both of us. I am glad that she will be back in time to welcome in the New Year, but our time apart keeps getting harder and harder. I pray that in the new year, the Department of State will finally see fit to approving my spousal visa so that we can live together forever.

    On tap for today… not much. I think we are going to have a fairly quiet day close to home. If there is anything that we decide to do then we will, but our main focus will be on being together and maximizing our time together. The forecast calls for a high of 6° Celsius, and for rain much of the day. We have plenty of food in the house, both ready to prepare and leftovers, so unless there is something that really piques her fancy, we will likely eat in.

    Tomorrow afternoon I will with a heavy heart drive my wife to the airport, and then I will drive to Milton to hang out with Eduardo. He bought a mezuzah, and I will hang it for him and say the proper blessings for that. Tuesday morning, I will start my new regimen of going to the gym nearly every day. No, I will not commit to going every day, but most days. Now that my concerns about my knee (as well as the excruciating pain) are behind me, I can get into beast mode. No, I am not going to push myself too hard… but I will be combining aerobic and anaerobic exercises to get my slimmer body back into shape. I will also, after the leftovers are gone, be going back onto my religious food intake program that I was doing so well with… and there will be no cheating for the entire month that Leslie is in Dallas. I am relieved that the weight that I gained during my knee issues and her visit has been minimal, and I look forward to attacking that best-weight-ever territory again… once I have lost about six pounds. My food intake and my workout regimen will make that a reality, and while the 50 kg year is looking more and more unlikely, the 100 lbs. lost in the year is still very much on the table. It is important to set goals in my weight loss. It is also important to remember them every time I am tempted to cheat.

    I am going to see if Leslie is awake, and if she is not then I will sit on the balcony with a cigar. If she is awake, I will spend more quality time with her. She needed the rest, so I let her sleep in (and prevented Princess Sophie from interrupting that as well).

    Have a great day folks!