Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 341

    It has been a mostly lazy morning in the Garvis household today. After Princess Sophie and I came in from her walk (the last bit of which involved me carrying her because she was favouring a paw), I had my coffee and futzed around on the Internet. Really, there is not much going on. I did finally schedule my last two sessions with my personal trainer for later in the week, which should help me get on track. As I do a quick self-evaluation of my body, the only thing that is bothering me (other than tightness and creaking from being old) is my knee, but that is only when I am lying down. In addition to supplying me with meds for my ADHD, he also told me that based on my recent bloodwork, my uric acid levels are under control. This does not mean that I will not have the occasional gout flareup, but overall, my body is ready to be working out on a regular basis.

    In a few minutes, Princess Sophie and I will get into the car for the nearly two-hour drive to Strathroy to visit with my friends and their children (my godchildren). Somewhere along the way I will have to fill the gas tank… I noticed that while my levels are not low yet, I know that even if I could get there on what I have, I would not be getting back. Fortunately, the price of gas is not quite where it was a couple of months ago. Also, knowing that I now have teaching contracts for the new year (and prospects for more of them), I am less concerned about money than I was a few weeks ago.

    I had a terrible scare today. This morning, as I bundled up to take Her Floofness out, I noticed that my scarf was missing. In my life I have never been so scared that I might have lost a scarf. This scarf is special though. Aside from being gorgeous and warm and comfortable, it was also the first gift that Leslie made for me. Its sentimental value is through the roof. Knowing that HRF needed to go out (and had been very patient with me as I slept in until 9am, and then took my time in the shower), I grabbed my old backup scarf from the closet. I would deal with this potential heartbreak when I got home… which I did. I called Eduardo (whose house I went to last night for a cigar), and he confirmed that I had left it there. Knowing that it is safe and that I can pick it up later in the week, I breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

    Knowing what is coming for dinner, I will take a protein bar with me for the car ride to Cam & Amanda’s. I will not risk snacking along the way – there will be too many cheats this day as it is, and I do not feel the need to pile on to that by buying snacks along the road. I have been planning for this turkey meal for weeks, and I am not going to hork it up.

    I took the plunge last night. I have been thinking about doing it for days, and last night as I sat with Eduardo I decided to do it. I went onto Amazon and ordered a pair of Size 40 khakis. I have a couple of pair of jeans in that size, but I have been wearing the Size 42 khakis for a couple of months, and I have had to pull my belt tight to keep them up. I am hoping that if this new pair does not fit immediately, it will within a week or two. With that said, I am optimistic about the new year and what it has to bring. I have not been on track with regard to my weight loss, but I also have not lost any ground; that itself is a victory. I am not nearly done… but for the time being, I want to be comfortable in my clothes. If (or I suppose when) they fit, I will order another pair (or two), and will be able to donate my current Size-42s to charity, and notch up one more non-scale victory… which I will not do until I know that they fit.

    It is cloudy out, but it is mostly dry, and the high winds that have been exacerbating the recent cold spell have abated. Today’s high is -4°, although that number should be a bit lower where I am going. As long as the driving conditions are okay, I won’t mind. Princess Sophie will get to try her new car-harness, which would keep her safer in the event of an accident, but will also make for less distracted driving, as I will not have to focus on where she is at all times.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 339

    It is Christmas Eve, and, as usual, I have received a couple of notes from friends asking if I was okay. They know that with Leslie in Texas, I am alone for the holiday. What they do not understand is that it is not my holiday. I respect that with all the hype around it, people naturally think that everyone celebrates Christmas. I do not. I will not sit about the house sulking the next two days. I will go about my business as I normally would on a day off. Why? Because that is what it is. I am not sad or morose being alone… at least, no more so than I usually am when Leslie and I are apart. I wish all of my Christian friends a very merry Christmas, as I look forward to lighting the candles for the seventh night of Chanukah this evening.

    HRF Princess Sophie is not a fan of weather. She does not like extreme cold or wind and is truly opposed to any form of precipitation. She is my true California Girl. I was not surprised, knowing that she was out late in the afternoon yesterday, that she was not setting foot out the front door last night… but I knew that sometimes comes with consequences. No, she did NOT have an accident, but at 4:20am she told me that it was time to go out. The snow was still coming down lightly, the winds were howling, and the thermometer read -17°. We got to the threshold, and she took one look outside and thought better of it. We went back upstairs, but she looked at me with those expressive eyes and said ‘Daddy, I HATE the weather… but I am a princess, and this princess will NOT do her business inside her castle. Let’s go back downstairs… but it’s going to be FAST!’

    All of this to say that between the storm and my dog, I am not getting a lot of steps in these few days. While the storm seems to have passed, I am staying true to my plan to stay home unless I get an unexpected last-minute invitation from someone that I cannot turn down. The snow may be over but that does not mean that all of the roads are properly cleared and salted. Yes, I drive a Subaru, and yes, it is not only equipped with all-wheel drive, but also with four snow tyres. As I reminded a friend yesterday, you can have all of the right equipment to stay safe, and you can drive as cautiously as you will; that will not protect you from the dunderhead coming down the road who is neither equipped for winter driving nor smart enough to drive slowly and cautiously who will crash into you because they cannot control their car on the icy roads. I would rather stay safe than embark out in possibly dangerous driving conditions if I can avoid it. Of course, the fact that it is seventeen degrees below zero with howling winds does not increase my desire to risk it!

    I have not slept well these last couple of nights. I should probably amend that to I have had trouble falling asleep, because really, once I fall asleep, I am fine. I tried to sleep without taking a melatonin gummy last night, but at 1:00am I relented and downed one. The fact that I had to wake up in the middle of the night, get dressed (for very cold and snowy conditions), go outside (twice), and then come back upstairs, get undressed, and try to fall asleep again did not contribute to my good night’s sleep… but it did contribute to my deciding to sleep in again this morning.

    Last night, for reasons I cannot figure, I indulged in a large bowl of Corn Flakes. Added to the challah rolls that I ate for Shabbat, and we have yet another failed day. My weight stayed where it was the previous day, but that is not a success. Today will be better. That seems to be another theme these days. I need to get through today and tomorrow, knowing that Monday I will be driving to Strathroy to see my godchildren, and knowing what their mother is likely to serve (and how powerless I am to decline her oh so yummy kryptonite). My goal is to be two pounds lighter by then, which I can only achieve if I do not cheat on my program the next couple of days.

    They say that when it rains, it pours. In October, I had a major career setback, which I thought might put an end to my career as a technical trainer. These last few weeks I have made some new contacts, and reconnected with a couple of old ones, and have some great prospects (not to mention actual training contracts) coming in the new year. I remember how despondent I was when I realized where I was at just two months ago. Now it seems like I have a bright future in my preferred field… if we put aside that I’d rather spend my life as a cigar-smoking sommelier and raconteur!

    While we only stepped outside for a brief moment this morning, Princess Sophie is happy to have her friend Charlie here for a playdate. While the pair of them combine to be one hell of a distraction to my writing (between begging for treats, jumping on my lap, and whatnot), they are happy, which makes me happy. I admitted to Leslie earlier in the year that Princess Sophie is not really an emotional support animal. With the emotional turmoil I have gone through these last weeks, I am beginning to think that what started as a farce to bring her into my office at Sony Pictures might not be a real benefit to me. I have been terribly down at times in the last month, and she has made life a little more bearable for me. I will speak with my therapist about that when she and I begin meeting mid-January.

    Yes, I have been distracted while writing this journal entry, and not only by dogs. But hey, it is Saturday, it is Christmas Eve, and it is holy-crap-degrees-below-zero outside, so I am in no rush to be done with it. I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday, and the best for a great new year!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 338

    I am running late this morning, but it is not because of a lack of focus. In fact, quite the opposite. I have had a very productive morning. The training company that I am starting to work with in January asked me for some of my previous course evaluations, and I had to track them down. Some of them are easy – I have them in my e-mail, and for the Microsoft courses I have delivered there is an online evaluation system called Metrics That Matter which has been in use as long as I have been a trainer. With that said, most of the non-Microsoft courses (the ones that I am currently focusing on) are not as easily accessed, as there is no central collection repository for them. I have found (and shared) what I could, but I have also requested more from the other training centres I have worked with. We’ll see what I get – for a top trainer (which I like to consider myself) it is always nice to see the evaluations that come from the students, many of whom I will stay in touch with long after our week or weeks together are done.

    I did something this morning that I do not remember doing in recent memory. I woke up at 7:30am, got up to use the washroom quickly, and then went back to bed and slept until 9:15am. I do not know if it has anything to do with the new meds that I am on, or if I have simply been tired for a few weeks and knew that I had no obligations this morning, but it was glorious. Princess Sophie, who had been sleeping in her own bed on the floor most of the night, climbed up onto the bed and snuggled in with me, as if to let me know that not only was it okay to not take her out right away, but that it was a really good idea to have a lazy morning.

    After finally getting out of bed and doing my morning washroom rituals, I took a look out the window and knew right away that Princess Sophie would only step foot out the front door is she really needed to go. I usually do not start the coffee pot until we are back from our walk, but this morning I opted to do so before we went out. Sure enough, we got to the front door, she took one look outside, and set her feet firmly on the indoor carpet. She is not a fan of precipitation in any form, and the blowing snow that she saw the second I opened the door was not at all to her taste. We came back upstairs, and we were settled in before the coffee pot was half full. She did ask for a play date with her friend Charlie, and the two of them are currently frolicking around the apartment behind me.

    I had a very productive bowel movement this morning, which is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it means my bowels are purging a lot. It also means that I have eaten more in recent days than I am used to, which is not a good thing, and is something that I will work on starting today. As I mentioned yesterday, because of the forecast weather I am essentially hunkered down inside for the next few days, and there will be little opportunity to cheat – I have enough food to last for nearly a week, but I do not believe I have anything really bad for my diet… unless I decide to defrost the Montreal Bagels that I have in the freezer – which I do not intend to do. No, these next few days should be easier to stay on track.

    Again, I have been distracted while writing this journal entry, but not by Facebook or other nonsense. I had a positive email exchange with the training company and have another contract with them starting in February. Additionally, I received a message from Esti (my father’s partner) and called her back to not only to catch up and to wish her a Happy Channukah, but also to discuss with her a number of issues pertaining to myself, my family, and hers. These may be distractions, but at least one of them was a necessary one (for professional reasons). Income is important, and when a call goes out to trainers, the difference between signing a contract for $11,000 dollars and getting nothing can be a matter of minutes. I think we can all agree that this is a distraction worth being distracted by!

    My psychologist called me yesterday to offer me a regular meeting time beginning in January. I am thrilled by this, but I will have to be careful about scheduling. My classes will conflict with the appointment time, and I will have to remember to schedule meal breaks around that. It is not something I have no experience with, but I will have to remember to look at my schedule carefully when planning courses out. Hopefully with my newfound focus (thanks to the chemical help) I will not forget to do that.

    With a little over a week to go, I think I have given up on my one hundred pounds lost in 2022 plans, but I do still hope I can achieve that goal in the year since starting the program (January 20, 2023). All I have to do is focus. Isn’t that a huge overarching subject of my last few weeks, and especially my hopes to address the ADHD issues? Focus, Focus, FOCUS!

    Because I slept in, I ate my morning meal replacement earlier, which means that I can now start preparing my lunch to eat at 1:00pm, rather than at 11:45am. I hope that will help me to get through the day successfully, without having to worry about adding extra meals (or even meal replacements) throughout the day. These last couple of days I had an extra meal on my plate (and on Wednesday it was actually two extra meals). Today’s only program aberrance will be my Shabbat challah bread.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 337

    I cheated yesterday. Sorry, not sorry.

    It started after my doctor’s appointment. I went shopping and I decided, in addition to my regular chicken, that I would also buy a couple of packages of meatless hamburgers with the wonderful, seeded buns that Leslie and I discovered. By the time I came home, I was extremely hungry – I had eaten my morning meal replacement quite early, and due to several delays, it was way past lunchtime. I prepared one of the buns and two of the burgers. They were delicious! They also did not completely satisfy me, and an hour later I decided to prepare a piece of chicken with salad. With that, I was good… and would have been sated for the evening, had my ex-wife not told me (at 3:00pm) that I was invited to join her and our son for dinner that evening. I had a salad, but it was still a cheat meal.

    I took my first Adderall yesterday after shopping. Since my appointment with the therapist last week, I have been thinking about all of the issues that I have, many of which affect not only me but others around me, that can be attributed to ADHD, and I have been anxiously and eagerly waiting to see my doctor so that I could get a prescription. My doctor is extremely cautious, and insists we start with a low dose. I am hoping that in the next few days I will see tremendous improvements in my focus.

    It was wonderful to see my son (the younger) and to light the candles with him. I felt so bad that I forgot the presents that I bought for him at home (along with the Channukah gelt), but that will only give me another opportunity to see him in the next few days… after the storm. Yes, we are expecting a storm that should begin this evening with rain; as the temperatures drop, the rain will transition to snow. Anyone who has lived in Canada will realize that a bad storm that starts as rain and turns to snow means that the rain that has already fallen turns to ice and makes for extremely dangerous winter conditions. The walking will be bad, but the driving will be terrible and dangerous. The prescribed advice by Environment Canada (as well as basic common sense) is to stay home. The rain is set to start in the evening, so any errands that might be needed should be done earlier in the day. I went shopping yesterday, so there is not a lot that I need… but I will go to Fortino’s to pick up challah rolls for tomorrow’s Shabbat prayers. After that? The only time I need to go outside is to walk Her Royal Floofness; she is quite unimpressed by stormy weather, whether that be a little rain or a giant winter vortex. She will step outside briefly to do her business, but she will be back inside before my step counter reaches 200.

    My only obligation today is a meeting with a company I plan to do some training for in the new year. That consists of familiarizing myself with their LMS (Learning Management System) environment, and then a quick orientation meeting to welcome me to the team. I know… dress professional, speak professional, take attendance, look good so we look good. I am happy to comply! After that, I will head to the store for what little provisions I need. After that? Knowing the storm is coming, I might sit outside under the heater (the calm before the storm) and enjoy a cigar. We’ll see.

    Leslie asked me yesterday afternoon if I was feeling a sudden laser-focus after taking my first meds, and I did not. Truth be told, I was thinking from beginning that the first indicator that I was experiencing any benefits from the medications would be the level of distraction writing this journal entry. So often these last few months I have taken over an hour to write, not because I am slow, but because I am easily distracted. Whether it be email or Facebook or whatever, on days when I do not have appointments it is not uncommon for me to start writing at 9:00am and finish a thousand-word entry three hours later. While I did get pulled away briefly (the training company sent me an email asking for some information), I still think I have gotten through this entry with more focus than usual. I started at 9:10am; it is now 9:40am, and I am ready to wrap it up. Is this because of the meds, or is it because I said to myself that this is what I needed to do in order to show measurable progress? I do not know… but it is one of those, and I suppose that my wanting to show progress and thus making progress is in and of itself progress. To quote an old adage: Fake it until you make it!

    The numbers on the scale this morning were exactly where I expected they would be, knowing how badly I veered from the program yesterday. Today I will do better, and tomorrow’s numbers will reflect that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 336

    I am sleeping better these last couple of nights. The weather was pretty nice yesterday, so I fired up the propane heater on the balcony and enjoyed a cigar after lighting the candles with Leslie and her son. I once again cheated a bit too much yesterday, with an evening meal in addition to my afternoon meal. That, and a couple of bags of popcorn scattered throughout the day. The results were exactly what you would expect, which is not what I want to be saying the morning I have my doctor appointment and weigh-in. Lying about it would do no good… I could say that I ate like a supermodel who was told to lose five pounds or lose her livelihood, the numbers on the scale are still going to be what they are. You see, I can type whatever I like in my journal, but that will not change the numbers on the scale when I get to the doctor’s office in an hour. If I were going in a little earlier in the day, I would expect to be down about one kilogram from my last weigh-in. Weighing in closer to noon? I do not know what the numbers will show, but I doubt it will be a loss. I can hope and I can pray, but neither of those will do any good. The numbers will be what they are.

    I finally did my online shopping for my godchildren this morning. This after finally pinning their mom (who I love dearly!) to commit to what they are currently in to. That also gave her the opportunity to tell me that they were actually inviting everyone for dinner Boxing Day and not Christmas Day, which works just fine for me… I have nothing else planned for those days (or for the week for that matter) so I am not concerned about moving things around or conflicts. What I am concerned with is how much turkey I am going to eat… and how to politely but firmly refuse deserts.

    —

    Okay, I did not gain weight, but at 1/5th of a kilogram, which is essentially exactly where I was two weeks ago. Yes, as I mentioned, I was weight much later in the morning than usual, but that does not make it any better. I have lost my focus, and while I have not started down that slippery slope, I am not making progress. Hopefully with the new meds that I just started today that will change. I need to regain my focus. I need to start making progress again.

    I am off to see my children to light the candles. It’s been one of those days. Tomorrow will be better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 335

    Yes, my weight is down from yesterday according to the bathroom scale. Does that mean that I was true to my weight loss program yesterday? It does not. I was very not good. Aside from the single portion of dried mangoes that Leslie gave me for my Chanukah gift, I did not eat anything that was not prescribed on the program. I did have an extra piece of chicken with another salad in the evening. I am not supposed to do that!

    There have been numerous times when I have told Leslie that I am going to eat something that is not on the program (or have already done so), and she asks a very good question: Am I hungry, depressed, or bored. While I am not sure that bored is the exact right word, I think it is certainly in the ballpark. It might be something like idle hands are the devil’s workshop sort of thing. When I have nothing else to do – or more specifically, nothing occupying my mind – I often default to eating. I have to figure out a way to deal with that. I am hoping that – along with several other issues that I have, most pertaining to focus and concentration, will be addressed and start to improve once I have seen my doctor tomorrow, assuming that he agrees with my recent diagnosis and prescribes meds to deal with it.

    I am going to try to go to the gym today, but I have to find some sort of motivation. I am not feeling well – light-headed, despite having just finished my morning meal replacement and my third cup of coffee. I know my blood pressure is often quite low, and I am wondering if that might not be the start of an actual problem. I know, it is much better than the opposite; nonetheless, it is something I will speak with the doctor about tomorrow… in addition to the ADHD thing. Additionally, tomorrow I know I have to go out… twice, in fact. I will endeavour to go to the gym after the doctor’s appointment, or if not then, right before going to see my sons to light the Channukah candles (which I get to do tomorrow).

    Speaking of children: I have five children who I get to spoil for Christmas and Channukah. I have my own two children (although at twenty-four years old, my son the elder wants nothing this year). I have Leslie’s son, and I have my two godchildren. Last night, Leslie, her son, and I lit the candles, and he opened the first of his tangible (non-edible) presents over video call, which was fun. He has one more present to open, and we agreed that he would get to do so on Night Six, which is Friday. Today I will be ordering presents for my godchildren, who I will be seeing Christmas Day. I am waiting for confirmation from mom and dad about my choices, but I think I am good. Of course, I am not writing here to say what they are, but trust me, they should both be happy.

    This is a perfect example of my need to focus. While I really have nothing else going on this morning, it is more than two hours since I typed the first line of this journal entry. I have to figure out a way to concentrate, and if that requires me to go on medication, that is what I am going to do. I am looking forward to speaking with my doctor about that tomorrow… I really do want to get better. I will say that I am still feeling light-headed, so I am not going to go overboard today. I will take it easy, and if I need to take a nap at some point, I will. I thought I slept pretty well last night, but I might still be overtired from the last couple of weeks of not sleeping well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 334

    I cannot say that I do not deserve for my weight to be up this morning. It is not because of the little Chanukah treats that I enjoyed last night (which were I so tasty!), but because on top of those, I added two bowls of soup and a bowl of popcorn. Let me say it one more time for the cheap seats: CHEATING WILL NOT LEAD TO WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS.

    I originally thought it would be nice to have a steak to celebrate the Argentina victory, but I opted for my usual chicken and salad. Had I stopped there, and not indulged in all of the rest of it, I might be in a better place today. All I can do is try to do better today. I looked at the defrosted chicken soup in the fridge (which I took out of the freezer nearly a week ago) and realized that if I did not eat it soon, it would go bad. At this point I think I should have thrown it out rather than eat it, but I cannot change the past; I can only try to do better going forward.

    I have a lot of studying to do this morning in preparation for a demo teach that I have to do at 1:00pm. After that, my cleaning lady is coming in the afternoon. I have done what needs to be done to prepare for her (laundry so that she can change the bedding, fold, etc…) and will be able to relax once she is here. I have some e-mails to respond to, but once today’s demo teach is done, I will be done for the year. I will do some studying in the next couple of weeks, but aside from a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, my calendar is clear. I will be able to split my time between relaxing, studying, working out, and seeing some friends.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 333

    I have made no secret that I have not been happy these last couple of weeks. I have done everything I can to stay as upbeat as possible, but that has not been very much. I have been and will continue to be coy about what has been causing this sadness, and I shall continue to be so. With that said, there are some days that show a glimmer of hope. Yesterday was such a day. Thank you.

    Once again, I was hoping to drop into best-weight-yet territory this morning, but it was not to be. In truth, I stepped onto the scale five times this morning, with one register in b-w-y territory… but the other four registers were too consistent to ignore. I did not cheat yesterday, and I will try to not cheat today. If I continue as I have, this plateau will eventually break, and I have to be patient with that.

    The new meal replacement bars that I ordered from Amazon Canada arrived yesterday, and I tried one of them. I was surprised to see that their caloric values are much higher than I expected. With that said, they taste really good. I do not know if I will make them a daily item, but as an occasional treat they will work well.

    Returning home from my walk with Her Floofness this morning I was and continue to be light-headed. Until now I thought it was just hunger and a need for calories, but I am nearly finished my morning meal replacement shake, and I am still feeling it. I will keep an eye on that, and if it continues then I will do something about it.

    I am off to Eduardo’s to watch the final match. My Argentina side versus the hated French. Let’s go Argentina! Bring it home for us!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 332

    I am doing terrible in life, but my weight loss is not so bad. After the terrible numbers yesterday morning, this morning they were almost back to where they had been Thursday. This, despite my eating the challah yesterday evening.

    I am intentionally not writing about some of the worst trauma and anxiety I am suffering these past few weeks. The probably diagnosis from my new therapist gives me hope that I can get better, but it might be too late to save me. I am going to try my best, but I cannot lie… last night as I sat smoking my cigars, I had a bottle of scotch on the table. I spent the evening trying to remember that getting drunk will not only not solve my problems, but will also hinder my weight loss.

    I don’t want to go on but I cannot give up. It is a terrible feeling. This Sabbath has brought me no peace, no joy… only misery and anxiety. Tomorrow evening we light the Chanukah candles for the first night, but I don’t see it being any better.

    Have a great day folks.