Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 331

    I have a very specific weight loss program that I try to follow. When I follow it religiously, I lose weight. When I do not follow it, I do not lose weight. It is not more complicated than that. As the title of this journal entry says, today is the three hundred and thirty-first day that I have been on my weight loss journey, but if I had to guesstimate how long I have been following this specific program, I would guess a little less than half of that time.

    Being dishonest about weight loss is like arguing with the petrol gauge in your car. You can fight and make excuses and explain why you had to accelerate and brake so often, and nothing will change the fact that you have burned through X number of litres of petrol. Likewise, I can claim that I have been good, I can swear that I ate well, but at the end of the day, the numbers on the scales will be what they are, despite all reasons and excuses. I could write in this journal (as I have daily for three hundred and thirty-one days) that I was good on the program on previous days, but the numbers on the scale will be honest no matter what I write herein. In other words, lying will help nobody.

    Yesterday I was not only within the parameters of my program, I was under them. I am usually allowed my morning meal replacement, my afternoon meal, then a meal replacement in the late afternoon, and one in the evening. I drink one pot of coffee per day which amounts to 3.5 mugs, each with a splash of milk and a little less than half a teaspoon of raw sugar. Because I was teaching last night, I also added two cups of tea (Japanese Royal Milk Tea, 60 kcal each) and two lozenges (of which I am unsure of the nutritional contents). However, I consciously decided to forego my last meal replacement, which should more than counterbalance the extra calories and carbohydrates from the tea and lozenges.

    Yesterday was the second or third consecutive day in which I was completely true to the program. I wrote in my journal entry yesterday that according to the bathroom scale, I was even with my best-weight-ever. I expected this morning to surpass that number, which a loss of even a couple of ounces would have accomplished. It was more than a little frustrating to step onto the scale to see very much the opposite of what I had expected and hoped for. I had gained nearly 2.5 lbs.

    Fuck you, diet.

    I do not like gaining weight, no matter the reason. When my weight gain is a consequence of cheating on my food program, I understand and grudgingly accept it. I did this, therefore that happened. For every action there are consequences, right? When I do not cheat, I expect to lose weight. Often times, I will not lose, but I will not gain. I don’t much care for that either, but I accept it. This, however, is total crap. It is bullshit. A 2.5-pound gain after three days without cheating? No, Ma’am! I do not accept that as normal or justified.

    Yes, I am pissed off this morning. It does not matter to me that I weighed myself two hours earlier than I normally do (as I am teaching an early class this morning). Might that make a difference? Maybe… but it should not. Also, it is not like I can have a do-over… I cannot just strip naked at 7:45am and re-weigh myself, expecting the numbers on the scale to be better. My first cup of coffee and my morning meal replacement would render any potential change meaningless. No, I have to wait until tomorrow. This stumble also means that I have lost two more days in my quest to achieve my goals before the end of the year, which is fast approaching and almost here.

    I am teaching all day today, which means that during the day I will be mostly at my desk. I have not yet decided if I will try to eat my meal at lunch time, or if I will make it a Shabbat dinner. I am leaning toward the latter, because I do not want to rush my lunch. With that said, if I eat in the evening, I should probably forego the weekly indulgence of the challah bread… or at least, if I do get it, then I will buy one and not two of them. I know that challah is, for me, a kryptonite, and if it is here then I will eat it. I will have a k’zayt of wine (the smallest measure that Talmud allows us to say the kiddush over), but that is it. Also, judging by my current level of fatigue, I might need to prepare and consume a second pot of coffee today. We will see…

    There are now fifteen days left in 2022, and I am back to 6.5 pounds from the 300-pound milestone, and 11.5 pounds from the 100-pounds lost milestone. The fewer days remaining in the year, the less hopeful I am that I can achieve either of these. Yesterday I was a lot more optimistic than I am this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. This morning just sucks.

    It is funny that I should be so down today. Yesterday I thought I was taking a step toward feeling better. In fact, I know that I did. I also know that the first step to fixing as defective heart is often for a surgeon to cut you open and spread your rib cage to cut into it. Yesterday was my first appointment with my therapist in five years. Therapy is meant to take a lot of time before the first breakthroughs come, so I expect that both she and I were surprised when we came to a major realization that might be causing so many of the issues I am having in our very first session. It was unexpected to say the least. The fact that it is also possible that these issues are perfectly normal given a possible diagnosis, and that they can be resolved with a simple medication is also a huge shock. I will be following up with my family physician next week, and if he is able to simply prescribe such a medication, we will be able to monitor for improvements in a relatively short time. If not, then I might need to be referred to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis, which will take more time (but which will likely provide even more insight). That does not mean that I will not be continuing with the therapy – I will be. Hopefully, between the medication and the therapy, we will be able to see improvements in a relatively short time. No promises, but here’s hoping.

    This evening I will light the Sabbath candles, and I will pray for peace, joy, and health for my wife, my children, and for myself. I will also continue to pray for my friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and who this week was informed that the cancer has spread and is quite aggressive. I will pray for her and for her family. I will pray for all of my friends and loved ones, and I will pray for peace. I think these last few weeks, more than anything, I have needed to pray for peace in the world but also in my heart and soul. I have been missing it, and I need to find it again.

    As an aside, as I type this paragraph, this journal should hit the 270,000 words mark. It is hard to believe that despite all of my ups and downs, throughout everything I have gone through this year, that I have, for the most part, stuck with the program. I remember a year ago telling Leslie that I would be starting my diet in the new year, and while it took a few extra weeks, I did… and I have stuck with it. No, I have not stuck with it with the religious fervor that I might have, but I have been trying. I have not given up, and three hundred and thirty-one days later, I have written my thoughts and feelings and stratagem in this journal. Four hundred and twelve pages of my thoughts. I have read books shorter than this. Yes, there is a lot of repetition, but I am not trying to write a Dickens novel, only a weight loss journal. I was accused recently of giving up and not finishing what I start. While that is true in a lot of things (and which might also be helped with medication if the diagnosis is correct), I have not given up on losing weight. I have a long way to go… but I am still on track.

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    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 330

    After another mostly good day on the program yesterday, I was secretly hoping that the bathroom scale would have me back into best-weight-ever territory. I had to settle for a .6 lbs. drop to tie my previous best, which was back over a month ago (November 11). Hopefully I can register another cheat-free day today (I actually did cheat yesterday because I was running late leaving Eduardo’s place and heading to the gym). Yes, that means I worked out (with my personal trainer, as well as a couple of kilometres on the treadmill).

    I am still trying to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022. I said yesterday that when you shoot for the stars, if you fall short then you can still hit the moon. Leaving aside for the moment the myriad other celestial bodies between here and there, I have almost ignored that between where I am now and that one-hundred-pound mark there is another major milestone. Even if I do not achieve that one in 2022, I really want to get below the three hundred pounds mark; I am only three pounds shy of that right now, and I have sixteen days to achieve it. Absent other factors, I might be planning a steak dinner celebration for dropping below that mark. Not this time, folks… not with there being only five pounds between that milestone, and the one-hundred-pounds-lost milestone. I may be refocusing my immediate short-term goals on the 300-pounds, but I am not forgetting that losing one hundred pounds in the calendar year is still an achievable goal… and would be that much harder if I were to indulge. A few weeks ago, I had plenty of leeway to veer from the program and still achieve these two goals. Right now, with just over two weeks left in the calendar year, I have zero room for mistakes.

    With my new mattress in place, I should mention another non-scale victory that I have noticed over the last month or so, and not just today. Even when I was twenty pounds heavier, if I would sit on the end of my bed, it would pop the back of the bed up. With the design of the bedframe, the front wheels (which are a couple of feet behind the front) would act as a fulcrum, and my excessive weight would force the front of the bed down. That is not happening anymore, and I am happy for that. I can now sit on the front to put my socks and shoes on, which might in a small way prevent a recurrence of the damage that necessitated replacing the mattress in the first place. After all, it was not my lying in the middle of the bed that damaged the sides.

    The weather today is horrible. Freezing rain for the morning, then snow… lots of it. I would like to stay home and not even walk outside for a minute, but at the same time I feel my throat is bothering me a little, and knowing that I have to teach this evening, I really should stock up on lozenges. I might bite the bullet and run out to the pharmacy before it gets too bad. As it stands, Princess Sophie has now twice stood in the frame of the front door, looked at the weather, and refused to go outside. Fortunately, her bladder is as strong as her resolve, and has never had an accident yet (when she was not sick). Now the question of the day is simple: To go to the druggist, or to suffer through this evening with no lozenges. Stay tuned.

    Because I was running late yesterday (the traffic from Eduardo’s to the gym was lousy) I did not get to do as much pre-workout warming up/stretching as I would have liked. Fortunately, at my age it is clear that things that I once took for granted can now be considered exercise. These include the getting up from a seated position without using my hands, and the getting into and out of the car stretches. Yes, I am feeling my age these days. The workout yesterday was not painful, but some of the exercises reminded me that I am middle aged, overweight, and out of shape. I am working on all of that… or at least on two out of three. I am not sure what I can do to not be middle aged anymore.

    I have my weekly check-in with my diet buddy this afternoon. The only thing I can say that is better than last week is that my weight is down. My mood and situation have not improved much, and if anything, things are worse now than they were then. I know I should not be so affected by outside factors, but it is hard. I am trying to stay positive, hoping that the current situation is just temporary, and that things will get better. I hope that things will get better. I am praying that things will get better. Most importantly, I am trying to work on bettering myself so that things have a better chance of getting better.

    Okay, I should not put it off any longer, as the driving conditions are not getting any better between now and class time. I’ll venture out, praising my snow tyres the whole time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 329

    As difficult as life is right now, yesterday was a success. I stuck to my eating plan (absolutely no cheating). I worked out with my trainer (which was a bit uncomfortable because I forgot my shorts, which meant I had to work out in my very tight Size 40 jeans). Eduardo threw me a curve when he told me he wanted to watch the football match at a resto-bar, which had me worried. While I briefly considered ordering a bowl of chicken gumbo, the staff was unable to provide me with the nutritional information, so I decided to abstain, and drank coffee all afternoon. Argentina won, so I was extremely happy.

    I came home to a happy puppy (who spent the afternoon at Charlie’s playing) and had a short cigar on the balcony. At about 5:00pm, I came into the apartment, changed my shirt, warmed up my coffee, and started my class. I hope my students feel that it went well. I am confident I am a good instructor, but I am always worried that someone will not like my style. I will ask the students today to let me know if there is anything they want me to change.

    The shirt I changed into is a button-down shirt that I bought fifteen years ago that has a Microsoft Certified Trainer logo on it. I do not think I have worn it in thirteen years and know that for much of that time it did not fit… save for the two brief periods when I had lost weight. I consider being able to comfortably wear a shirt that did not fit be before a non-scale victory, and this week I need to look for those to keep myself on track.

    Yesterday was a very good day for achievements. I worked out, I resisted all temptation at the sports bar, and I stuck to my meal plan religiously. What do I get for that? The opportunity to do it all over again today, except today I’ll be going to Eduardo’s to watch the second semi-final match between France and Morocco. I should be able to resist the temptation to eat whatever he tries to put in front of me, as long as I eat my lunch at home before I go over there. If I do that, then I can get there, light a cigar, and tell him ‘Sorry, I’ve already eaten.’ That is my plan.

    I hope I can follow through. The days left in 2022 are dwindling, and with every cheat, so are my chances of achieving those two milestones that are so close and yet so far: The 300-pound mark, and the 100-pounds-lost mark. There is an old saying: Aim for the stars, and if you miss you can still hit the moon. Would it be so bad to lose only 95 pounds in the calendar year? Maybe not… as long as I can finish off that hundred by the 1-year anniversary of my embarking on the journey.

    I should mention that while I seem despondent for not getting a reward for my weight management success, I did lose a significant amount of weight on the bathroom scale as of this morning. With a three-pound drop from yesterday, I am once again within spitting distance of best-weight-yet territory. I am also back to needing to drop less than four pounds of hitting the 300-pound milestone, and within nine pounds of hitting the 100-pounds-lost milestone. I am beginning to think that all of these might be doable again; I also know that if I do not stay focused and true to my weight management program, I will not be achieving my goals. That is key. Stay focused, stay true. That will be my mantra for the rest of the year.

    While I did stay true to the program yesterday, I will mention that I had my last meal replacement shake much later than I am comfortable with. Following the end of my class, I sat outside and tried to smoke a cigar. I knew exactly how many cups of coffee I drank yesterday, and doubted I would be able to fall asleep quickly, so why not? I selected a cigar that turned out to not be enjoyable, so I put it down after fifteen minutes. I came into the apartment and made that last shake after 10:00pm, which is much later than usual for me. While it seems to have had no effect on my weight loss this morning (it is hard to imagine I would have lost even more weight for skipping it), I did wake up in the morning and was immediately hungry. For as long as I can remember, eating late at night has had that effect on me. It was not a debilitating, must eat now hunger, but it was a noticeable pang as I went through my morning ritual. More than anything, that is why I try to not eat after 8:30pm.

    My plans for the day are simple: I am going to Eduardo’s condo to watch the football, and I do not want to go there hungry. I will prepare and eat my lunch (my only meal of the day) a little earlier than usual so that I know I will be fine for the afternoon. After the match, I have my next (and I think my last) session with my personal trainer at 5:00pm, which means that I will have to skip out from Eduardo’s pretty quickly to get there. Again, if the game goes to extra time, I will have to be mindful of the clock. Getting to the gym a few minutes late might not have the professional implications of arriving to class late, but it is disrespectful, and I try to be on time. Unlike with the Argentina match, if I have to leave early, it will not pain me.

    If I can stay on the path for another few days, there is a good chance that I can get back into best-weight-ever territory by the weekend… and that is being very conservative. Really, I am less than a pound from that, and it is not uncommon for me to lose that in a day or two when I stick to the plan religiously. That is my goal… if I can actually get there in a day or two, then by Monday or Tuesday next week, I might be at the 300-pound milestone, which would give me just under two more weeks to get to that magical 100-pounds lost before New Years goal. As they say, hope is not a strategy. If I stick to my program for both food intake and exercise, then I can do it. If I do not, then I likely will not. I just have to keep going in the right direction and do my best.

    I am still not sleeping as well as I would like. I have things going through my mind that I keep analyzing and over-analyzing and trying to keep them from overwhelming my mind is exhausting. The new mattress is comfortable, but it is not the bedding that is the problem. The problem is my life, and some parts of that are harder to keep controlled than others.

    I am glad to see that my potential for contract work has gone up recently. I have another interview today, and I am hoping it goes well. There are a few contracts that I am still waiting on but should confirm shortly. If they do not, then I will be going into the holiday break with a great deal of uncertainty weighing on my mind. I am hoping that does not happen.

    Okay, it is time to get back into a positive frame of mind so that I can go into that interview and wow them. After that, I will prepare my lunch so that I can then head over to Eduardo’s without worrying about being tempted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 328

    I was good yesterday except I had a bowl of homemade soup in the evening. I do not know what the nutritional values are for my soup, but I know that I did not veer from the program at all aside from that, and I know that I gained weight again. My emotions are killing me these last couple of weeks, so I do not know which way is which.

    My new bed was delivered yesterday. I put fresh sheets on it and climbed gingerly into bed around midnight. I did not expect to sleep well, but that had nothing to do with the bed or bedding. I am dealing with a lot of emotions that I am completely uncomfortable with. Nonetheless, once I was able to get to sleep, I was able to sleep through the night. That might mean six hours of sleep, but that is still better than it might have been. My original intention was to have Princess Sophie sleep on the couch, but last night she could tell that I really did need my emotional support animal, and she insisted. Thank you, Princess Sophie, I needed you last night. Actually, what I needed was not available to me. I wanted to climb into a bottle. I wanted to dive into a plate of disgustingly fattening foods. That I did neither of those is a testimony to my dedication to not giving up.

    My plans for the day have only changed slightly. In a few minutes I will leave for the gym. I will work out (first alone, then with the trainer). After showering, I will come home, take Her Floofness for a walk. Depending on what time it is at that point, I will either make my lunch, or I will head straight out to Eduardo’s to watch the football. If I do that, I will make sure I have a meal replacement with me, as I do not want to cheat. I just do not know that I will have enough time between working out and the start of the match to prepare and eat lunch, but we will see. After the match, I will come straight home so that I can be ready for my class delivery. In a perfect world, I will be online by 5:00pm, but that will depend on a lot of factors. I mentioned yesterday that if the game goes to extra time and then penalties, as hard as it will be, I will have to leave Eduardo’s at 4:30pm at the latest. Yes, my Argentina squad is playing in the semi-finals. Yes, I am extremely invested in that emotionally. No, I am not willing to compromise my professional integrity and reputation for a football match. Go Argentina! Work must still take priority.

    However terrible my weight issues have been, I have to consider it a huge victory that through the emotional turmoil that has been the last couple of weeks I have not slipped. Yes, my weight this morning is still up from yesterday, and I have not made any progress these last two weeks… for someone who is used to emotional eating, the status quo is a huge victory. No, I have not made progress… but I have also not fallen off the wagon (or cliff, as it were).

    A project that I have been working on the last few days is nearly done, and it has to do with letting go of the past. I have been cleaning out my e-mail. It started because I realized that on my phone, when I would search for e-mails through subfolders, I had scores of them that were no longer relevant… former contracts, old jobs, and so on. I have always kept them all within my account so that I could access them whenever I would need to… and in truth, I do search old emails regularly. The benefit of being able to do that on my phone was outweighed by the sheer heaviness of the ten gigabytes of stored messages (including myriad attachments) in my active email account. I did not want to delete them outright; as I mentioned, I do need to find things from the past from time to time. Instead, I created an Archive mailbox, and have been offloading messages and sub-folders into that. I did not realize how complicated that would be, but owing to the sheer volume, it has not been a simple ‘press here, dummy’ operation. The project has allowed me to see a lot of old emails (some dating to my previous marriage). One email from three years ago even reminded me that an uncle asked me to try to find a picture of someone. Three years ago, that ask was impossible. This week, I was able to search through old photo albums (many of which had been in storage in Ottawa at the time of the original ask) to find pictures of a long-deceased aunt, which my uncle had wanted to add to the family archive. Cleaning out my Inbox has been cathartic. I did not exactly throw anything out, but I have been putting it into long-term storage, which I can call up when I really need it… but which will not bog down my day-to-day.

    Okay, I have put off the inevitable long enough. It is time to head to the gym. My knee was hurting in the night, but it was not the gout (which might or might not be gout), rather the familiar pain I have had these last couple of years when I sleep on the wrong side. To make that issue less simple, the correct side is not a constant. Isn’t getting old fun? Anyhow, I have taken my anti-inflammatories this morning, and I do not feel any pain as I prepare to head out. Nonetheless, I do plan to remind my trainer of two things: 1) We have to take it easy because of the knee; and 2) I am going to stretch before my workouts… but it will not be the stretches she recommended. I will follow the KISS principle. As I mentioned yesterday, any stretching routine that requires me to watch YouTube videos each time I go to the gym to remind me of what they are, and which make me concerned I am going to lose my balance and fall and injure myself, is simply not realistic. I do not want to be Mr. Universe; I simply want to be the best me that I can be.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 327

    Yesterday was mostly a success. I had an extra protein in the evening – Not a full meal, but one chicken leg – because I was quite hungry after a good workout. I also had some dried apricots before the workout for carbohydrates. Neither of those is likely the reason my weight was slightly up this morning. That is most likely from the inability to move my bowels this morning. If I can get back on track these next few days, then I have confidence that my weight will begin to fall again.

    I am not worried about the bowels by the way. I have a good friend who spent a week suffering from constipation so bad that he tells me he was vomiting and needed to see a doctor. While I am usually regular enough to set a clock by, I have been known to miss a day… especially when I have had diarrhea for a day or two, followed by a really good BM. If I go two days without a successful poop, then I might consider speaking to my doctor… if I am in pain, which thus far I am not.

    I mentioned that I had a good workout yesterday. Yes, I finally got back into the gym. I did a little over two miles on the treadmill, and then some weight machines. While doing leg extensions, I started to feel that the issue with my knee might not be gout after all. As my doctor requested, I will get an x-ray done this week. It is entirely possible I have a touch of osteo-arthritis… not a pleasant option. With that said, it is still a manageable condition that if I have to, I can live with.

    While it was supposed to come Friday, I finally got the call this morning that my new (replacement) mattress is being delivered today between 1pm-4pm. Yes, it was always supposed to be delivered today, they just told me I would get the call about the timeframe three days prior, rather than the day of. Okay, that is not a problem. I was scheduled to be here all day until the call came. Now I can manage the rest of my day… I did not have plans to go anywhere today but decided in the end to change my haircut appointment from next week. After all, I am teaching on camera this week, and as my wife pointed out last night (again), the beard has gotten quite a bit out of hand!

    My personal trainer emailed me that she is back from vacation, and we are scheduled for our next two sessions. Tomorrow morning at 10am is the next one, which means that if I want to be ready, I have to be at the gym by 9:00am to do my stretches. I think she is great, but I also think she is completely unrealistic with the stretches that she wants me to do. I plan to tell her that tomorrow. I know, she wants me to be buff and toned and everything… I do not believe that in order for a fifty-year-old man to stretch for his exercises, he needs to balance his back leg on a bench and do maneuvers that he feels zero balance on and is afraid he is going to injure himself on. With all due respect, there has to be a better way. I know that what she is showing me is great, and probably better for people who plan to be hardcore… anything. I do not have to be hardcore; I just need to be limber enough to not injure myself when I work out. I will go into the gym early tomorrow, and I will stretch… but I will stretch as I would in advance of a Taekwondo class, which will not involve any apparatus or implements, just me.

    Today is a cool and cloudy day. The forecast is for a high of 0°, which is about average for this time of year. It is also calling for wind gusts up to 20 km/h, which means that there will be a sustained breeze. All this to say that it will be a comfortable day for walking my Princess Sophie, as well as for sitting on the balcony with a cigar this evening, should I choose to do so. We will see. In the meantime, I am going to try to do some studying today, as well as preparation for my class which begins tomorrow evening. I am currently waiting on someone else for something, which is never fun… I do not understand why the site is saying that they can reset my password automatically, but that option is just not working. Yes, I know it is a technical glitch, and that they are not open on the weekends… but what a pain!

    I guess I forgot to close this as other errands and tasks came up. My day has so far gone well – I went for my haircut (without any stops for cheats along the way), I had my lunch (the normal chicken with salad), and my mattress was delivered. I think I should go do some grocery shopping because I finished all of my vegetables today.

    I realized that tomorrow will be tight – after my morning workout with the trainer, I will come home and make a quick lunch. The World Cup match is at 2:00pm, which means I need to be done with lunch and on the road by 1:30pm. In the worst-case scenario – if the game goes to extra time and then to penalties – the game will be over by about 5:00pm… but if it does go that long, I will have to cut out around 4:30pm. I am teaching tomorrow evening, and I like to be logged on early for my class – especially the first day. Here’s hoping that my Argentina side wins handily in regular time!

    It is amazing how easily a day can get away from you. What I thought would be a simple day in a simple week has since changed completely. While I usually close my journal entry early in the day, it is now 4:15pm, and I just got off the phone with a training broker who wants to work with me. That phone call lasted over an hour, most of which was not discussing professional topics… although he was extremely complimentary about my speaking voice and cadence, which as a trainer is important. I also had to spend some time on the phone with tech support for the company that provides the labs for my class that starts tomorrow. I have not gone shopping, but plan to try to do that now. I am not going to the gym this evening – I have a session with my trainer at 10:00am tomorrow, and those two would be too close together. I will do my shopping, and then at some point I will take my Princess Sophie for a walk. I forgot to put it on this morning, so my fitness watch is reading 1,000 steps at 4:15pm. Not nice. Gotta make some of them up!

    Have a great day folks… whatever is left of it!

  • Day 326

    I have to remain strong today. Yesterday went almost identically to Friday, with the exception of the challah – there was none. I was down below 305 lbs., but now it is time to get serious. We are ten days from New Years Eve; if I am going to achieve my 100-pound loss in the year 2022, I have to lose just about one pound per day between now and then. It will be tough.

    Today is the first snowy day of the season. It is not the first time we have seen snow, which did happen a few times in November. Rather, it was the first time we woke up to significant accumulation outside. The cars are covered, the streets and sidewalks and lawns are equally white. Princess Sophie, never a fan of precipitation, was not impressed. I could not coax her beyond the grassy area just outside the door, where she did her business quickly before turning around and heading right back inside. I know that when Charlie goes out later she will be more willing to venture further, but alone she was having none of it. All this to say that if I want to get any exercise today, I will be heading to the gym… which was part of my plan anyways.

    I am still down. I do not want to document here why I am down but suffice it to say that I really hope that the therapist I reached out to is able to fit me into her schedule. I know that I cannot fix me without outside help. I only hope that I can get that help without waiting too long, which might have consequences. I am thinking that is she does not get back to me by then, I will ask my doctor for another recommendation the next time I see him, which will be in ten days.

    I am going to spend a little time studying before heading to the gym. My original plan was to stay home so as to avoid external temptations, but I think the gym is a smart move. I will go after lunch, which means that I will not be tempted to stop along the way… and that I will have energy stored in my body from the meal. No, there will not be any carbohydrates in my lunch, but I am not going to do anything severe enough to need them. I will start slow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 325

    I will try to write more later, but I am rushing to get out the door to go watch the match. Yesterday I was tempted by spanakopita at Eduardo’s place. Between that and the challah that I ate with dinner, my weight was exactly where I predicted it would be. No, I am not seven pounds up, which I told Leslie would likely be the case. My hyperbolic prediction was just frustration with my inability to stay on track two consecutive days. My plan for the following few days will be to stay home. There are much fewer temptations at home than there are out there. Of course I will take Her Royal Floofness for her walks (despite the seemingly bitter cold), but for the next few days I will not go out aside from that, and the gym (which I am integrating back into my routine starting Tuesday.

    Just so you know, I do this with the knowledge that there are no football matches Sunday or Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday I will go to Eduardo’s. Thursday and Friday there are again no matches, so I can stay home. Saturday and Sunday I will again watch with Eduardo, and that is the end of it. If I can maintain my cloistering four of the next eight days, that should give me plenty of opportunity to succeed.

    I am weak, but I am trying to be strong. I will push through, and I will persevere!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 324

    Yesterday was the first day that I remember that I did not eat or drink anything off my program. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, my usual lunch, a meal replacement shake in the afternoon and that was it. It was my intention to have another shake in the evening, but I got distracted; by the time I realized I was allowed one more, it was 11:15pm, and I have never been happy the following morning when I had something to eat late at night. Princess Sophie spent the evening at Charlie’s next door, so she had a good time. I am still very down but trying to get focused.

    I started the day yesterday optimistic. That did not last. I had a lot of work to do, so it was three o’clock by the time I got up and went out. I had to go back to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was going to get an x-ray of my knee, but by the time I was done at the lab, the radiologist was not taking any more patients for the day. I guess I have another trip to make down there before my next doctor’s visit, which is in two weeks. I did drop my prescription for the anti-inflammatories off at the pharmacy, for when I am going to run out.

    When I came home, I realized that the video I had been downloading for my learning was complete, but I had accidentally recorded it (and the last two) without sound, which means that I have to start over from the beginning. Crap. I started it again and will be done in a few more days. Just one more thing that went wrong this week.

    I got an interesting offer for a contract today, which would have been a great opportunity. It would actually have been a full-time job with a company that would in turn have been contracting me to another company. The problem is that the opportunity started with ‘Are you willing to relocate to New York City?’ While I would be for the short term, I am hoping that once my visa comes through, I will be relocating to Texas to live with my wife. The search continues.

    I did accomplish all of the goals I set out for myself today. It took longer than I thought to properly translate my CV into French. Once it was done, I sent it off… or at least I thought I did. A couple of hours later, my contact responded that there was no attachment. Sigh, how often have we done that? Okay, it is sent.

    Today’s plan is to stick to the program again. Eduardo and I had discussed going to the sports bar to watch the World Cup, but when we talked in the evening, I think I convinced him that watching it at his apartment with cigars was a better plan. The real method to my madness is that at his apartment, I am less likely to cheat. I will bring a meal replacement shake with me, and a few cigars. If Eduardo does entice me with food, I know that it will be relatively healthy, and that I can control the portions.

    I have given some thought these last few days to revising my program to be orthodox – five meal replacements per day, no other food. If I cannot get through the next few days without cheating, then I am going to drop the hammer on myself and do that. I hope it does not come to that. If I can get back on the downward weight trend, losing weight consistently, then I will not have to do that… yet. It is a tool that I have in my arsenal in case I cannot get back on track. I know that if I want to force myself back on track at some point, it will be there.

    The bathroom scale was, once again, quite kind to me. I know that is because I was strict on my program, but I also know that there have been days when I have been good, and still unhappy the following day. As it stands, I am now .2 lb. from tying my best-weight-yet, and I am now 8.2 lbs. from achieving my goal of losing one hundred pounds in the year 2022. With three weeks left to go, I am hoping and praying that I will be able to stay true to the program, and actually achieve that goal.

    Speaking of goals, I am going to add a second one to my short-term list. While the New Year is three weeks away, the one-year anniversary of my embarking on this journey is forty-two days away. I would like to be able to claim a 50 kg loss in that time. The difference between 100 lbs. and 50 kg is little over 10 lbs… or 4.7 kg. That means that I have 12 kg to lose in just over 40 days… 26.5 lbs. Can I do it? Maybe… but it will be a challenge. I am going to try for it, but if I do not succeed, then I will at least not be a total failure; to lose 47kg in a year is still no mean feat!

    I am off to watch the football. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 323

    The last few days have been among the hardest emotionally in recent memory. I am hoping that today I will start to feel a little better. As I keep saying to myself (and to a couple of others), I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. There is really no other way for me to go forward. I am hoping that today will be the day that I do not feel as bad about myself, and that my mood starts to improve.

    My weight on the bathroom scale reflects somewhat better than my recent mood and fatalism my dedication to losing weight. To read my journal, to read my Facebook, it would be easy to extrapolate that my weight would be up five pounds this week. In fact, according to my bathroom scale (not the most trustworthy of sources, but mostly a good indicator of progress and trends) my weight is actually down from last Thursday. It has not been a direct line down, but it is in fact down. I have had many reasons to give up this week; the fact that I have not thrown in the towel is not only the greatest indicator that I am serious and dedicated to eventually attaining my goals, but it is also a testament to the fact that I know that whatever external forces or resources or supports I usually rely on, there is only one person and one person only who is responsible for my success, and to whom I am ultimately answerable.

    I remember one time, some twenty years ago, when I was trying to lose weight. I would eat things that I should not have, and for reasons that confound reason I figured that if nobody else knew about my cheating then it was okay. Again, whatever external influences I might have, there is no connection between what I tell others and whether I succeed or fail. By that rationale: If I am lying: if I tell people that I am going out to splurge on pizza and wings with a pitcher of beer, when in fact I am going home to have a meal replacement shake and another bottle of water, then I will continue to lose weight. On the other hand, if I tell people that I am sticking to my program, yet I am really splurging on whatever culinary indulgences that I might, then I will continue to gain weight. My body is as illiterate as it is deaf, and it cannot be fooled by words, whether spoken or written down. Put another way: the only factors that my body cares about with regard to my weight loss is my actual food intake and my actual physical activity. ‘Hey, I walked five miles!’ Those words mean nothing to my body. Walking five miles matters.

    I had to point out to someone yesterday that I write this journal for myself, and not for anyone else. Why do I write it for myself? I write because it allows me to check in, on a daily basis, what I have done right and what I have done wrong on any given day, which means that I can look back to any given week to see what worked and what did not… as well as how my emotions and other external factors might affect my weight loss. If that is the case, why do I share? I share because when I do well, I can inspire others… and when I fail, I can show people the truth of the old Japanese proverb about falling down and getting up. Yes, I fail… but I do not give up. Am I an inspiration to others? I do not know. Are my successful days an inspiration to myself? I hope so; I also hope that my unsuccessful days are a reminder to myself that I need to work harder and to do better.

    The plans for today are simple. I have been asked by a potential customer in Montreal to translate my curriculum vitae into French, and that will take up a few hours. Yes, I speak and write French… but writing it (and especially translating it) is not my strongest skill. I have to continue downloading videos of a class that I sat a few months ago, which I want to re-watch (or continue to re-watch) so that I can pass the exam. That is a much more drawn-out process than you might think… the videos are not shared in a downloadable format. I have to stream them (real time) and record them. In other words, the sixty hours of video will take sixty hours to download… and the ones that I recorded over the last couple of days corrupted, so I have to start from zero today. I have some studying to do for another certification I plan to take, as well as looking into passing an exam that I do not think I will need to study for. I have been told by two training brokers that I will be hearing from two different customers for interviews and to present demo teaches, which is easy for me… but depending on the asks of the customers must be prepared in advance. Okay, that’s long and drawn out, but relatively simple.

    In short, I have a lot of things to do today… and while they are all time consuming, none of them are particularly difficult. I am glad for this because the only saying about idle hands and devils are true… the busier I am, the less likely I am to fall off my wagon. Busy days are good. Tomorrow will be a little more challenging – Eduardo and I will be getting together to watch the World Cup and will likely be going to a bar to watch the second match (Argentina vs. Netherlands). The first match (Brazil vs. Croatia) is also an interesting match-up, but the bars around us do not open in time for the start. As a long-time Argentina supporter, the second match is the one I will be cheering, so when Eduardo suggested going to a bar, I agreed. That does not mean that I will be cheating. I have found that it is easier to not cheat when it is obvious – hey, I should not order beer or wings. I am more likely to cheat when it is subtle… there is a bowl of peanuts pretzels or whatever, so having a few won’t matter. My goal: DO NOT CHEAT.

    If all goes well, I might go to the gym this afternoon… as long as I get all of my work done. Remember, I do not need to be sitting and watching the video streaming in order to capture it, so it is only the other things that I need to get done. I will work on them… and I will work on trying to get back into the gym today. I also have my check-in call with my diet buddy today… I have

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 322

    It was touching when a friend reached out yesterday to see if I was okay. She mentioned that she rarely visits my blog, but for some reason she did yesterday. She was worried about me. I have to be honest, I am worried about me too.

    This has been a very busy morning, starting at the doctor’s office (where I weighed in 2kg less than two weeks ago), and discussing a number of issues with him. One of the more aggravating issues we discussed was my blood work that I took over the weekend. Everything looks good… I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is fine, yada yada… but the vampires forgot to test my uric acid levels, which was exactly the reason I went to have my blood drawn in the first place. One day later this week I have to go back, for no good reason other than the lab screwed up. I confess I am not too keen to go. It is not because I like the pain caused by gout – trust me, I do not – but because I just don’t care about myself very much right now. I just don’t give a damn.

    Yes, I am writing from a place I seldom write from. I do not remember a time in recent memory where I was so down, and I have no recourse. I have nobody to turn to. I just do not think anyone really cares right now. I am hurt down to my soul, and I do not know how to get out of it. None of my usual avenues are currently open to me, so I guess I just have to keep struggling. I hate this… and I hate myself right now.

    All of this, despite what I think was a very good demo teach for a company that wants to hire me for contract work. I seem to do well when I am on camera. Off camera? I just want to crawl into a hole. If not a hole, then maybe a booth at a restaurant where I could gorge myself on the foods that I have been denying myself this last year. After all, if nobody else seems to care, why the fuck should I?

    Despite this, I am forcing myself to go on. I am making my chicken and salad for lunch and will smoke cigars on the balcony this afternoon. I want to study for an exam, but I do not have it in my soul today. I am broken, and I cannot seem to figure out what glue I need to put myself back together.

    Princess Sophie is at her quarterly spa appointment and will come home looking gorgeous and coifed. After I bring her home, I might try to go to the gym. Maybe getting onto a treadmill will help. I cannot imagine it will, but I am going to try. In the meantime I literally feel like Marvin the Paranoid (and inappropriately named) Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Don’t talk to me about life. Maybe I can have a competition with the toaster to see which one of us can rust to death faster.

    Have a great day folks.