Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 50

    I woke up this morning unsure of how I was feeling. As is customary, I sat on “the throne” for near on an hour, which is not unusual; it is where I check my email, Facebook, and I complete any games that I might play on my phone (I only really play two games – Words With Friends and Trivia Crack). I then brushed my teeth and stepped onto the scale. When I saw the number, I stepped off, zeroed the scale, and checked again. I am down significantly from yesterday morning’s weigh-in. I grinned with satisfaction as I began to go about my regular routine… which, for the first time, now includes taking a colchicine tablet.

    After taking the first double-dose yesterday afternoon, I felt no pain in my foot whatsoever. I knew this was likely my brain tricking me because of the excitement of the medicine. While colchicine is supposed to act pretty quickly, it would not be a matter of hours, rather a couple of days before the real relief came. After my walk with HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I can honestly say that there is still pain in my feet… but not nearly as much as there has been over the last few weeks. I imagine that by Sunday it will be gone, and I will be in much better spirits overall. I just hope that the pain that I have been feeling in my knees should disappear as quickly and conveniently.

    I have a few errands to run today, including picking up another batch of contraband meal replacements. After that, I have another dentist appointment, and then a haircut. I am teaching this evening but hope that between the haircut and class I will have time for a cigar on the balcony. Also, if all goes well, Leslie and I will finally be booking our vacation today.

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 49 Part 2

    I am up from two weeks ago. Only one pound, but I have to get back on track. I hope I have my head on straight now, and I can refocus my energy on the weight loss plan.

    My doctor asked me what exercises I have been doing, and I told him that because of my feet and my knees I have not been doing anything. He prescribed the colchicine, and hopefully over the next day or two things will start feeling better. As directed, I took two pills immediately, and will start taking one pill every evening before bed. The scrip reads twice daily, but I am going to start slow and see if I actually need two. I will say that it has been only a few hours, and my feet are already feeling much better. Hopefully that is just what the doctor ordered… no pun intended.

    I miss my Leslie, but we were able to chat for an hour as I sat on the patio with a cigar (okay, two of them). My doctor told me that smoking can be bad for your health, but I told him that they save lives. He asked what I meant, and I told him there are several people who I have not punched in the face because of cigars. He laughed, and agrees that if I am not inhaling, and if I need them to stay on track losing weight, then I should not stop. He also suggested that swimming is good exercise… I asked him where he would recommend going with all the pools closed. I think the simple answer to that has been staring me in the face… and tomorrow morning I am going to finally book our trip to Cuba!

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 49 Part 1

    In a few minutes I am off to the doctor’s appointment to get weighed, and hopefully get meds for my gout. I am disappointed that I have not lost more weight; in fact, I suspect that my weight will register the same today as it did two weeks ago. That’s what happens when you fall off a cliff. Fortunately, I do not expect to weigh more than I did then… after the crap that went on in my head this past weekend, it could have been much worse than status quo.

    My diet buddy moved up our meeting from tomorrow (our regular Thursday meeting) to today. She is a teacher, and she is going away tomorrow for Spring Break. Originally, her plan was to go to Florida, and she wanted to lose as much weight as possible so that she might not be the fattest person on the beach (her words, not mine). She changed her mind and is going to Yukon. She assures me that it is to see her ex-wife, and not commentary on her weight-loss failures.

    Okay, I’m off to see the doctor. Wish me luck!

  • Day 48

    “The problem with living outside the law is that you no longer have its protection.” -Truman Capote

    This quote came to me as I was pondering what to write about yesterday. There are two ways to look at yesterday:

    1. It was a total failure… insofar as I ate more than I should.
    2. It was a complete success… I did not eat anything that would be considered verboten.

    Which one is accurate? I don’t know. When I was originally doing the program religiously in Canada, you were allowed to buy enough shakes for the week… and not one more. While there was nothing stopping you from eating other foods off the program, you could have four shakes per day, and that was it. In the US when I was doing the program religiously, I had the option to buy as many products as I wanted… but the cost kept me in line. Now that I am doing a hybrid program, I can allocate X number of meal replacements per day, but I have to self-police with regard to foods not on the program… my salads, my proteins, and so on. I had a day last week when I probably had two more meal replacements than I should have, on top of the salads and proteins.

    Where yesterday was a resounding success is in comparison to the weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday were terrible cheat days – I drove the program right off a cliff, eating chips and fast foods and deep-fried Chinese food smothered in sugary batter. Yesterday I had a shake for breakfast, a salad with a can of salmon on it for lunch, two large pieces of chicken and a salad for dinner, and another shake in the evening. Did I stick to the script? No. Did I drive off a cliff? No. In contrast, I will call yesterday a success.

    There are days when we will fall down. The trick is to get back up again before the ref counts to ten.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 47

    I did not have a good day yesterday either, but I vowed that today would be better. So far, it has been. I know that there was a terrible hit to my mood over the weekend, and I am hoping that it is over. I really want to be back on track, and to be a happy person in general.

    Leslie got her confirmed start date at her new job! I am thrilled about this. She was worried that two discrepancies on her background check might be an issue. I assured her that the two issues were not going to be factors, and the confirmation came today. Unfortunately, the new start date interferes with her next trip here, and the countdown jumps from 14 days to 30 days. We are both up disappointed by that, but the job is a good opportunity, and I do not want her to do anything to jeopardize it.

    It is nearly 1pm, and I have had only my coffee and my morning shake. When I finish writing I will make a salad for lunch, and I should be good for the day – chicken is defrosting for dinner, and I went shopping for more vegetables. No more cheating, as I did so badly over the weekend.

    Yes, I know the weekend was horrible. I promised Leslie yesterday afternoon – and I promised myself – that I would be back on track today. Yes, I slipped. Now it is time to get back to business.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 46

    While today has not been a perfect start to the day, I am going to make it better than yesterday. That is my only goal. It is windy out, but unseasonably warm. I am going to drive over to Lyle and Dorothy’s house for a cigar or two, and probably dinner. It will be good to see my friends. Yes, I was with friends yesterday, but you can never have enough time with friends.

    I only wish my girlfriend could be here too. I am counting down the days!

    As expected, my bathroom scale was up a terrible number this morning. I could not have imagined it would be otherwise; honestly, before I stepped onto it, I predicted the number. I was off by .2 of a pound. It is time to reset. Today, better… tomorrow, better than today. That is the only way to move forward.

    Have a great day!

  • Explaining Today… or Yesterday.

    It was just past 1:00am when HRF Princess Sophie and I walked back into our apartment in Burlington. With gasoline at the highest price I have ever seen in any country ($1.849/litre as I was arriving home) I was not really thinking about that; I knew that we would be driving about 375km on Saturday, but I did not particularly care. We were going to celebrate my goddaughter’s birthday (a week late thanks to Covid), and the price of gas was not going to stop that. Thirteen hours ago, when things were completely unraveling and my rage was through the roof, I was not angry about the price of gasoline, nor about the war that is the cause of it. I was just having a terrible day. Everything was falling – out of my hands, out of my pockets, and when I put my prepared shake down as we got into the car, that fell too. Nothing was going right, and I could not keep a handle on my emotions. I started screaming and swearing and screaming and swearing some more.

    I Remembered that five years ago I spilled some of a shake in my car, and I paid the price for not cleaning it up right away. Until the day I sold the car, the stained leather was a daily reminder that I had not cleaned it up. I had nothing in the car to wipe up the mess. Despite the anger and rage that was coursing through my veins, I decided to leave Princess Sophie in the car for a few minutes, and I went up to the apartment to get a roll of paper towels. I came back down and cleaned as best I could. I think I did a pretty good job of it. It didn’t matter, my emotions were morphing from rage to distraught sadness.

    I called Leslie, but I knew that she was busy with her son and was not surprised that she did not answer the phone. I doubt it would have mattered. The message I left for her was that I was going to Wendy’s, I was ordering a hamburger and a large non-diet soda. I was not dieting today. I do not think there is anything she or anyone could have said to talk me down from that. I pulled into the drive-through lane and ordered the single hamburger with no cheese, French fries, and I decided to stick to the sugar-free soda. Even knowing that the soda would not be my worst transgression of the day, I still opted for the diet.

    As I pulled out of their parking lot I reached into the bag, only to discover they had given me a cheeseburger without any of the other toppings. I might not be respecting my diet today, but I am sticking to my religion. I turned around and went back.

    I do not think the brainless idiot at Wendy’s realizes his good fortune. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he might have a brain, and might have just been too stoned to understand what I was saying. I am not talking about the original mistake – mistakes will happen, and I get that. The three-minute conversation I had to endure with this 18-24 kid was maddening, and the fact that I did not rip his head off is a testament to my something. I am not sure how difficult it is to understand ‘I ordered a burger with no cheese but all the regular toppings, you gave me a burger with cheese and no other toppings. This entire three-minute conversation took place as he held the hamburger I had handed to him in his hand. It was only after that conversation, and after he went to clarify something with his manager, that he came back and tried to hand the burger back to me. ‘I’m not allowed to take this back.’ Then throw it out. I am not sure what I would have said had he told me that he could not even do that. The old me, in the already highly agitated state I was in, would have been a lot louder, less calm, and most likely insulting. A small miracle indeed… and seven minutes after this conversation started again, I drove away with the right sandwich.

    The fast food was not the only nor was it likely the worst cheat of the day. I will not enumerate what the others were, but I was bad. There were a lot of chips, there was spaghetti, there was birthday cake. Saturday was a complete and utter failure.

    I did not harm anyone. I did not even lash out at anyone. I am not sure how I managed it, but while I told a couple of people that I was having a crappy day, nobody suffered from it. Nobody, of course, but me. I am sure Leslie suffered as well – she is very empathetic, and when I am not doing well, she feels my pain.

    Speaking of pain, let’s add a bad left knee to the list. I have no idea how, but it feels like there is a bruise. I have no recollection of smashing it, but there it is. However painful the gout in my foot might be, today it was muted by my knee’s phantom injury. When I say the gout pain is muted, I should really refer to it as immensely overshadowed by a different pain. I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday and am definitely going to speak with him about the gout. I expect my knee will be fine by then. However, I have been complaining about the gout since Wednesday, and taking Naproxen and pain killers since then. While it might eventually clear it up, it is certainly taking its time. Time to bring in the big guns.

    I am going to sleep. Tomorrow (later today) better be a better day.

  • Day who cares

    I want to kill people today. Taking the day off.

  • Day 44

    I am rather looking forward to seeing my doctor on Tuesday and asking him – at gunpoint if need be – to prescribe me Colchicine. In the meantime, I continue taking Naproxen, Aspirin, and Tylenol thrice daily. I have to wonder if over the years I have developed a resistance to Naproxen, having taken it for so many things. I know that my left foot is swollen terribly and is in a lot of pain, despite the anti-inflamatories and other pain relievers I am taking. I have (and am still refusing to use) the narcotic pain killers I have left over from my root canal last autumn. I do not think it will get quite so bad as to have me taking that. The good news is that when I am not moving, I am not in a lot of pain. In other words, unlike my knee (which was much more painful, but is no longer bothering me), it is not impeding my sleep.

    I have a couple of meetings today: one for a customer, and one with my American accountant to do my taxes. I put that meeting off a few weeks ago, not because I am afraid to speak with her, but rather because the appointment conflicted with a dentist appointment. When things fall out of your mouth, it is best to have them fixed at the dentist’s convenience… tax season or not.

    I have been working over the last few days (nearly a week by this point) on booking a trip to Cuba with Leslie, and a couple who are friends from California. I am hoping that today I will be able to get that done; I am looking forward to spending a few days on the beach, and if possible, a few days in Havana as well.

    I indulged yesterday. I do not care a whit about the second salad that I made myself after lunch because I was still hungry. Once that was done, I sat eating pumpkin seeds for a few minutes. I probably had 250 calories worth of them. Again, not the worst thing in the world… but I have to be able to rein myself in! Today will be better.

    The bathroom scale situation is frustrating. I have always been able to hold myself better accountable when I weigh myself and see that the weight is not coming off. I have always rejoiced in being able to track definite downward trends on a daily basis. Not being able to do that because of the inaccuracy of the scale is maddening. I know, I will go to the doctor’s office every two weeks and get weighed there… but being able to see daily progress has always been helpful. No, I am not going to move to an apartment with a more solid floor in the bathroom… but I might start exploring the floor in the bedroom to see if I can get a consistently accurate reading there.

    Tomorrow I am going to see my god kids, and I am looking forward to seeing them… but not to seeing the foods their mother will be putting out for me! Willpower is the word of the weekend!

  • Day 43

    The beginning of Week 7, and I am not sure that I am on the right track. I know, I should not be expecting the meteoric weight loss that I experienced when I did the program religiously, but I wonder if I have taken too many liberties with it. I will spend another week or so trying to follow my hybrid program fully, and if I do not resume my weight loss, then it is time to re-think things.

    Don’t get me wrong… I am still about 30 lbs down from where I started. However, as I have been doing the program without much direct supervision, I have to wonder if the slow (or sometimes stalled) weight loss progress is because I am trying to follow the program half-assed, or if it is just normal to not be seeing the weight completely melt away the way it does when I am on the full program.

    If my foot was terrible yesterday, it is better (but not healed) today. I am going to stick with the Naproxen and hope that the pain abates completely over the next couple of days. Either way, I am going to speak with my doctor next week (I am seeing him anyways) about getting a prescription for Colchicine, which unlike the Naproxen is specifically made for this. Of course, it also means that I am going to have to take it for the rest of my life, just like my father did.

    In addition to my thoughts, I think I have to start tracking everything that I eat. I do not want to get to the point where I am ingesting too many calories to lose weight, but do not realize it because I am not paying attention. I’ll use the MyFitnessPal app for that and see what it looks like at the end. I also need to be drinking more water… I am not going through nearly enough, and that is probably another reason for both the stagnating weight loss and the gout.

    The weather today is colder than the last couple of days. In fact, it is the only day on the 10-day forecast that the high temperature will not reach above the freezing point. Nonetheless, if the wind dies down, I will try to enjoy a cigar on the balcony in the afternoon. If not, I guess I am home bound. With HRF Princess Sophie to keep me company, there are worse fates

    My plans for the day: Stay the course. Salad for lunch, chicken for dinner. Meal replacement bars in the mid-afternoon and mid-evening. Drink a lot of water. Lose weight.

    Have a great day!