Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 33–Monday, February 21, 2022

    I have made no progress in a week… but with all the crap that has happened, I am just glad that I did not lose any ground either.

    Leslie and I went shopping yesterday and we bought two gorgeous dress shirts for me to wear for the next couple of months, until my nicer dress shirts start to fit. I spent more than I was planning to on the second shirt, but Leslie is so good to me, how could I deny her? Also, I thought it was a gorgeous shirt too!

    Yesterday I was good until I was not. Lyle made a fabulous dinner of boeuf bourguignon, which he prepared for me without noodles. I also ended up having a few of Leslie’s noodles when she was done, which means that not only did I go overboard on the portions, I also had the carbs which I have to work so hard to avoid. I will not have any more this week!

    It was a very nice weekend. Leslie and I spend at least an hour on the phone every day, but there are some things that are just easier to talk about (or at least to go into detail about) in person. It has gone both ways, and we have both had things to talk about. We also spent an hour on the patio yesterday smoking a very fine cigar, and I read her my favourite Rudyard Kipling poem from a book of his that I purchased a couple of weeks ago… printed in 1899. The book is delicate, but how much more romantic can it be than to read poetry to your beloved… even if it is a poem about having to choose between a woman and cigars.

    I am working this evening, and Leslie is working during the day. She plans to audit my class tonight, which will be fun. She has heard me present to an audience before, but she has never actually seen me teach. Also, it has been a year since I last had an in-person audience! While she works, I will be sitting on the balcony smoking – it is a beautiful day, the first in a series of days that will be unseasonably warm. Tomorrow afternoon Lyle will come for a cigar or two, which will be nice. Of course, Dorothy is always invited, but she works during the days, so that won’t work out. Hopefully Leslie will have enough of a break between meetings to join us for a bit.

    My goddaughter’s birthday party was supposed to be next Saturday, but her mom messaged me yesterday telling me it is postponed by a week. She (the mom) tested positive for Covid-19 and is isolating for two weeks. I am sending her positive vibes for a full and speedy recovery.

    After a couple of hours of distractions, I am on my way to finish my day. My friend the cleaning lady is here, Leslie is working, I have had a salmon salad for lunch. I do not have to teach for another five hours, and I am going to choose a fine cigar and sit out on the balcony for a few hours.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 32

    It truly feels wonderful having Leslie here. I was so happy that she decided to come, and when her plane arrived nearly 30 minutes early, I was elated! Five minutes after her plane was scheduled to land, she messaged me to say that she had her suitcase and was coming out to the kerb. I was only halfway through the cigar that I had been smoking, which is fine because Leslie loves when I smoke cigars. I finished that cigar on the drive home, rather than lighting a fresh one (which had been the plan).

    I was mostly good on the diet yesterday. I did have a bag of almonds on the way to the airport, but it was a small bag, not the big size I would have bought before the diet. I had my piece of chicken and a bog salad, and then I polished off Leslie’s chicken when she said she was done. None of that is really more than I have been doing on the accepted hybrid program I’ve been on. One last shake in the evening, and I estimate that I might have had 1300 calories yesterday, all healthy ones.

    This morning, I prepared a very nice omelet for Leslie, with all-beef salami, onion, and mushrooms. She loved it, but I did help her to finish it. I did not even have a quarter of it, and with the exception of the salami, it was all very healthy. I do not feel bad about it.

    The plan for today: As long as it is warm enough, Leslie and I are going to spend the evening with our friends Lyle and Dorothy. Lyle will be preparing dinner (he is an award-winning gourmet chef), and I expect that he will make something for me that is within the guidelines of my program. In case he does not, I will have a shake and a shaker bottle with me… just in case. Knowing my friend, I will not need it. He has promised Leslie a gastronomical masterpiece heavy on the mushrooms (Leslie is a fiend for fungi!) and served over a bed of his homemade pasta. While I am sure I will eat well as well, I suspect I might be just a little jealous of what they will be eating!

    The cigars that Leslie brought me were… well, there is no other word for them – spectacular. She brought me two limited edition boxes of Davidoff cigars, plus ten Padron 1964 Anniversary (the Cigars International Cigar of the Year). They are absolutely drool-worthy! We took the pictures, and then we put them nicely into the humidor. We then affixed the new LED light strips that I bought into the door of the humidor. The result is amazing… unless you press the flashing button, at which point it feels like a 70s discotheque (minus the LSD).

    I will stick to the plan today! Again, the plan does not have to be as strictly regimented as I once thought… I can replace a meal-replacement shake with a piece of chicken, and I can have a few bites of Leslie’s scramble (I called it an omelet before; in truth, when I tried to flip it and failed, it transformed into a scramble) without beating myself up over it. The spirit of the program is more important than the rules… no starches, very minimal carbs, and smaller portions. I failed on the portions a couple of times this week, but not today. I’ll stick to it today as well.

    Tomorrow is a holiday in both Ontario (Family Day) and the USA (Presidents’ Day), although I will be teaching my group in the USA from Ontario in the evenings. No matter, I love what I do… and I certainly love knowing I am earning a full salary while on shortened hours at my day job!

    Have a great day, and enjoy your day off tomorrow!

  • Day 31

    As Princess Sophie and I stepped out of the front doors this morning, she was in a way. There was a pile of snow, and she did her business. It took her five seconds. I am unsure if this is because she had been holding it in, or because she realized that this morning might have been the blusteriest morning we have had since she arrived in Canada. For a girl who had spent her first four-plus years living in Southern California… the worst ever. Really, it was not too bad, with the temperatures hovering around -8°c, but with the wind chill it was ten degrees colder than that, and the wind was howling indeed. While the temperatures won’t bother me, I do hope the wind will die down over the next few hours.

    Yesterday was not a good day on the diet. A mix of anxiety and sadness, tinged with the happiness of knowing that today Leslie will be arriving. I just got off the phone with her. She is at the airport waiting to board her plane. I have a few things to do today, but at about 2:30pm I will be in the cell phone waiting lot for her to call me and tell me she has her bag and is meeting me outside. We are both jumping out of our skin! I wish she was coming to better weather; maybe she will bring it with her from Texas.

    I drank more water yesterday, which is important. I have to pay attention to that today, although I will balance it with the fact that from the time I leave home until the time I return will probably be three hours, and I do not want to be looking for a public washroom if I can avoid it. I will take a cup of coffee in the car, which I know will be rather small (I know how big my travel coffee cups are). Before parking in the cell phone lot, I will stop at the nearby Tim Hortons to refill it and will use the washroom there. Hopefully that will be fine until I get home with Leslie.

    Oh, right… I also have to replace one of my propane tanks! I’ll do that before heading to the airport.

    My goal for today is to not cheat on the diet. Yesterday was another bad day, and the only good thing I can say about it is that I have now finished the aged cheddar that was in the house and will not be tempted to buy more. I will be preparing food for Leslie – I love making her breakfast, and I found out recently how meaningful it is to her. She keeps telling me that she does not want me to do anything for her food-wise that I would not be doing for myself, but I am going to do it anyways. Besides… if I take a bite of her omelet, it will not harm my diet.

    For a while this morning, I thought I was coming down with a cold. I realized a while ago that my eyes are dry and itchy, which is usually a symptom of allergies, and not of a cold. I do not know if that is better or worse, but I have taken an allergy pill, and will try to pay attention throughout the day to see if they helped. I know that I will be rather preoccupied later in the day… Leslie’s presence (after nearly two months) will be quite distracting, and I might not pay attention to things like itchy eyes!

    My goal for today: do not break my diet. I want to stay the course, and to get back on track. I know that Leslie’s support will be a big help for me!

    Have a great day folks! Enjoy your weekend!

  • Day 30

    It’s been just about a month, and I am down just under 30 lbs. One pound per day. How could I really be disappointed by that? If I was following the strict program, then it would have been more. I have stated before that I suspect the moderate approach will give me the best chance for long-term success.

    Yesterday I went to prepare a salad with my dinner, only to realize that I had no lettuce… or cucumber, for that matter… but it is the lettuce that is usually the base of the salad. For a minute I considered going shopping, but realized the weather was not quite agreeable to that. Instead, I took the bag of shredded carrots that I had and used them as the base of the salad (rather than an almost-garnish). I chopped tomato and onion onto it, sprinkled some pumpkin seeds, and then a drop of oil and a healthy portion of balsamic vinegar. It was unusual but not unpleasant.

    I think my class is going well. I am enjoying teaching them, although I had a mic blunder yesterday. Prior to class I was speaking with Leslie on the phone. Thinking my computer mic was muted, I told her of two students who I know are phoning it in… they have not done any of their labs, and I do not think they are even sitting through the class. I do not know if they are having their program paid by a government program which mandates they attend… and then I realized my computer mic was hot. I apologized to the group and took the opportunity to remind them that I mark attendance for those who log in, but the school has a record of who is doing the labs and who completes them, and that is out of my hands.

    —

    I was halfway through this morning’s entry when my phone dinged. A buddy was downstairs waiting to come up. I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and it was great to sit and chat with him. The original purpose of his visit was to bring some cigars that I was buying from him, and we sat outside and enjoyed a beautiful cigar. Despite the chill, it is a beautiful sunny day, and we had the heater going. Once it was too cold to continue, we sat inside with another cup of coffee discussing cigars and golf and dogs and whatever else we wanted to. I really enjoy it when friends come to visit. I do not mind smoking alone, but cigars are a social lubricant best enjoyed with friends – old or new.

    Something that I have to be more mindful of is my water intake. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee does not change the fact that I need to drink a lot of water, and I know that I have been neglectful of that the last week – since driving to Montreal, I suppose. If there is one thing you do not want to do when you have a six hour drive it is to drink so much water that you need to stop to pee every fifty kilometers. Leslie asked me about it Wednesday, and I confessed that I was not drinking as much as I should. I have tried to remedy that, and am so grateful for her help!

    I suppose I do not have a lot to report today. I have to go shopping now – I am woefully short of salad fixings, and I am out of chicken as well. When I come home, I will prepare a meal, and I will likely sit outside to finish the cigar that I left over. I am a firm believer that you finish a cigar in one sitting, and if you let it sit too long it goes bad. The 2-3 hours that this one will have been sitting should not be too rough, but if it is, I will just pick a new stick.

    I always look forward to the weekend (as does everyone, I suppose), but knowing that tomorrow Leslie is coming I am looking forward to it even more. It is so exciting knowing that my baby will be in my arms in just over 24 hours. I have mentioned before that she is very supportive of my diet, and I have been trying to make her understand that just because I am on this program does not mean that she has to be. As such, I made a date for us to spend the evening with Lyle and Dorothy on Sunday. Lyle is a world class chef, and Dorothy is an amazing baker. When we were last there, Lyle discovered that Leslie loves mushrooms, and promised to make her something special on her next visit. The fact that I will not be able to enjoy that something special does not mean that we should not go and spend time with our friends, and yes Leslie should enjoy her mushrooms and homemade pasta and all of that wonderful stuff. Lyle is aware of my dietary restrictions and will likely make me a fabulous piece of chicken or fish to enjoy while they are indulging. I am really looking forward to it… but I saw Lyle last week and Dorothy a couple of weeks ago, and I have not seen my girlfriend since December. I am really looking forward to her visit!

    Wherever you are and whatever you have planned, you enjoy your weekend, and I will see you all soon!

  • Day 29–February 17, 2022

    Weight: Down 1.4 lbs, 28.4lbs overall

    The last few days have not been great on the diet, but I daresay that yesterday was at least a little bit better than the three previous days. I woke up and had my breakfast shake, and then did not actually have a second meal replacement midday. Instead, I went shopping (which I will need to do again either today or tomorrow), and when I arrived home I prepared my evening meal, which was really a mid-afternoon meal. Two pieces of chicken and a large salad. I suspect that in a few weeks I am going to want to cut down to a single piece of chicken, but for now it is working, I am still losing weight, and am seldom feeling deprived. In the evening, rather than preparing another shake, I made a big salad… and added a half tin of canned salmon to it. It was very tasty… and while it was not strictly speaking part of my diet, it was not the worst possible cheat.

    My weight loss this past week was abysmal if we take out the dire psychological factors, not to mention the trip to Montreal. If we take all of those factors into consideration, the fact that I lost any weight at all is a success. While I would like to be down 40 lbs by now, I’ll satisfy myself with just under 30 lbs in four weeks I know that had I stuck with the program religiously I would be down much more, but I also know that this program is hard, and the lenience is making it just a little bit easier.

    I got several pieces of excellent news yesterday, all from my girlfriend. She knows that I have been extremely down this past week, with all of the emotional baggage that have opened up in me. She asked has asked me every day since the revelation what she could do to support me, and I have not had a real answer, other than ‘just be there for me.’ That’s how I am. She asked Monday if she should come to visit me this weekend, and I told her that it was an expensive trip, and that I would be okay. When I realized that she is really trying to support me, and that however brave a face I might be putting on, the diet cheat of the last few days has been proof that maybe I am not coping as well as I might. Yesterday when we were speaking in the afternoon, I told her that I would like for her to come if it was not too expensive. Within the hour she sent me confirmation of her flight, and I will pick her up from the airport Saturday afternoon. YAY!

    Leslie likes to bring me cigars when she comes to visit. It is not only that she knows how much I enjoy cigars… she loves enjoying them with me, possibly to the point of being a fetish! She already has two boxes of cigars that she was planning to bring to me, but her plan was to visit the Cigars International Superstore near her house to top up her allotment of what she is allowed to bring into Canada. We will get back to that in a moment.

    My girlfriend knows that I start teaching at 6:30pm, so it was a bit of a surprise to see my phone ringing at 6:32pm, with her name on the call display. Fortunately, I was waiting for the last stragglers to come into the class, so I muted my mic to answer the phone. “I GOT THE JOB!” She had applied for a full-time position with Microsoft, and has been pretty down on herself, figuring she did not get it. I kept telling her that she was absolutely the best candidate for the job (I know a lot of the other probably candidates), and that they would be crazy to not offer it to her. They did!

    Now, instead of picking up some okay cigars, she wanted to get celebratory sticks. She went a bit overboard, but I completely understand – she has something to celebrate, and she wants to celebrate with me, and she wants to celebrate with me smoking very high-end cigars. Saturday afternoon will see several new and wonderful vitolas added to my humidor, none of which I currently own, and only two of which I have ever smoked. Two of them are limited-edition cigars too… very collectible, but I do not collect cigars, I smoke them!

    Leslie also loves HRF Princess Sophie, which does not surprise me, as she (HRF) is absolutely adorable. Someone asked me the other day what HRF is short for, so here it is: Her Royal Floofness.

    Another thing that I am thrilled with is that Leslie has made it clear that she is going to continue to support me on my diet, which means that she does not want me ‘taking a break’ while she is here and does not want me taking her to restaurants and the like. Considering that there was a time when I felt that the best social experience between a couple was to sit together at a restaurant, this is a big change. The first time I was on the program (back in 2017) I remember going on a date with a woman the first week (or possibly second) that I was on it, and she had her lunch while I… watched her eat her lunch. There was no second date. I get that… it is uncomfortable to sit at a table eating while the other person just watches you. Fortunately, Leslie and I enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, and we are very familiar with each other. We can be just as happy sitting on the couch or at the table and not saying a word, or sitting on the balcony, sharing a cigar, and solving all of the world’s problems. I am so excited that she is coming in two days!!

    I have a dentist appointment this afternoon (I lost a crown), and after that Lyle might come over for a cigar. He is still unsure, due to the potential for the weather to change for the worse sometime this afternoon. If he feels the driving will be treacherous, he will likely stay home. I hope he comes… I have a nice birthday gift for him, plus a lot to talk about. After that, class… Thursday is my last teaching day of the week, and I’m looking forward to it… as much as I am looking forward to the weekend!

    Have a great day folks! I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • A Cause to Die For

    I have had a number of causes in my life that I have been (and am) passionate about. I have protested, I have been an activist, and I have been a soldier. I have written articles in support of the causes I believe in and against those things that I oppose. I hope that I have done that well, and I know that in some cases I have changed some minds.

    I hope I have never made my case to someone, and then, being told that it is not their fight, gotten angry with them that they would not take up my cause.

    In case you are not paying attention, there are a number of protests going on in Canada, most specifically in Ottawa and at the Detroit-Windsor border crossing. The protests are around vaccine mandates and passports, and the terrible effects that the two years of pandemic have had, and how bad the government’s response has been. “IT’S ABOUT FREEDOM!” Maybe it is, maybe it is not. I am not taking a hardline position on this. I have told several of my friends that this is not a cause that I am willing to take on as my own. It is not that I oppose their position… I am just not going to be passionately supporting them.

    I have three friends – none of whom are only Facebook friends – who are extremely passionate about the cause. Each of them has tried to convince me, in their way, that this cause is the most important thing in the world. Each of them has equated the Canadian government of 2022 to Nazi Germany, and each of them has told me that if I am not willing to stand up and fight for this then I am as bad as the people who stood idly by as Jewish businesses were being shut down, leading eventually to the deportation of the Jewish population to the death camps at Treblinka, Sobibor, Chelmno, Belzec, Majdanek, and Auschwitz-Birkenau. Each of them has told me that if I served in the Israeli Defense Forces and am not willing to stand up for their cause then it is obvious that the IDF does not stand for freedom.

    Each one of them is infuriating.

    Firstly, and I cannot stress this enough, I served 2.5 years in the IDF and rose to the rank of Staff Sergeant. While there is an official position and mission of the IDF, it is not set by Staff Sergeants… certainly not by one who did his conscription service and was discharged twenty-five years ago. On top of that, if you have ever tried to get ten Israelis to agree on anything, from the peace talks to the lunch order, then you will know that it is a futile task at which kings and deities have failed.

    I have tried to tell each of them that I am not taking a strong position on this movement. Each of them has tried to guilt me into it. Each has tried to convince me that I am letting another Holocaust happen and standing by passively.

    I respect that some people are against getting the Covid-19 vaccine. I do not agree with them, but hey, it is their choice. To equate them to Jews in Nazi Germany is absurd. Jews did not have a choice. It was not only Jews who wore the black hats and shtreimels and wore side locks who were sent to the gas chambers; if you had one Jewish grandparent, you were considers tiersch untermenschen and would be cleansed from the face of the earth. That was Nazi Germany. In Canada, if you want to be able to eat in restaurants, if you want to be able to travel to the United States (a mandate from the US, by the way), then get the vaccine. It’s as simple as that.

    Two of these friends have told me that for the people not getting the vaccine it is like trying to tell a Jew to be Christian. I’m sorry, but for me that is a ridiculous comparison. We are dealing with a global pandemic, and the only way out is through a combination of science (by doctors and scientists), and the cooperation of the rest of the population. If you are unable to get the vaccine (and there are people who have legitimate medical reasons) then that is one thing. If you just do not believe in the vaccine and do not want to get it, well that is also legitimate… but it can be helped.

    I have a friend whose son was laid off from Canada Post because he is unvaccinated, and he accepts that. When we take a stance and are willing to accept the consequences for that stance, then it is commendable. Mohammed Ali refused the draft; he was stripped of his title and went to jail for his principles. He did not flee the country or hide in some underground, he stood up and said ‘I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong.’ You may or may not agree with his position on the war (which is much easier to look at as black and white in 2022 than it was in the heat of 1966), but you have to respect his actions.

    In the middle of a global pandemic, anyone who refuses to get vaccinated (simply because they do not believe in the science) but expects to be treated like everyone who did get vaccinated, is taking a stance but is unwilling to accept the consequences. ‘You must be vaccinated to cross the border.’ That is (a very simplistic wording of) the law right now. Will it change? Maybe yes, maybe no. If your job requires you to cross the border but you refuse to get the vaccine, then you cannot break the law. Can you protest the law? Absolutely. Is it a just and fair law? I don’t know. Do you have the right to require me to protest the law? No. Do you have the right to take over an entire city, or blockade international border crossings? To make your point, I suppose you do… but do it for a weekend and then go home. When protesting the government, you have a better chance of winning widespread public support if you do not inconvenience the people who you think you are fighting for… at least, not beyond the time it takes to make your point.

    I am not saying that ‘I do not work in the auto industry, and so my livelihood does not rely on the Ambassador Bridge traffic, and so I am not protesting.’ I am not saying that ‘I do not live in Ottawa, therefore I have not been inconvenienced by the protests, and so I am not protesting.’ I am saying that while I understand why people are protesting, I am not going to get worked up about it, and I am certainly not taking a strong position either way. Trying to force me to do so will not change that, and that position does not make me ‘just like those who stood by and let the Holocaust happen.’ That, my friends, will raise my hackles, but not in favour of your cause, rather against you for having the nerve to equate pandemic measures to the worst crime in human history.

  • Day 28

    For the first time since I started this journal, this is not the first entry that I am writing today. I started by writing the 1200-word essay I call “A Cause to Die For” which I will publish today as well. I am sick of people equating the current situation in Canada with Nazi Germany, and I had to say something.

    My emotions are not getting a whole lot better, and my food intake yesterday shows it. I had two pieces of chicken, a couple of pieces of cheese, and a couple of extra meal replacements. I am not proud of myself for it, and I hope that I will be able to rein my eating in a bit today and going forward. I have been lacking discipline, and the only good thing that I can say about it is that I did not completely go nuts and order a pizza (or something equally bad for my diet.

    Leslie is being a big help, although she thinks she is failing me. She wants to be here for me, and in truth I wish she was here… but we are in a long-distance relationship, and her next visit is not for 33 days from now. Yes, I would love for her to be here to hug me and hold me. Her caring for me, even from Texas, means everything to me. She keeps asking how she can help or support me, not realizing that just being there for me means the world.

    I woke up this morning angry with how I ate yesterday, and hopeful that today I can do better. I do have to go shopping though… I am out of chicken and tomatoes, and while I do have half an onion left, it is not the sweet onion I usually buy (it was a Spanish onion that was mislabeled). The weather is unseasonably warm (although I suspect rather windy), and Lyle will come over in the afternoon for a cigar. In the meantime, I’ll do my shopping, and I want to go through the labs that I will be working on with my students this evening. They are all Linux-based, which means that they are not really in my comfort zone, as would be Windows-based labs. Not a problem, but I like to stay ahead of them as we go through the class. (It is not the first time I have taught the class, but CompTIA released a new version of the class in January, and the labs are mostly brand new). So: class-prep, shopping, and cigars… and then teaching in the evening. It sounds like a pretty normal day!

    I am wearing the shirt that finally arrived in the missing package yesterday. Wouldn’t you know it? It is the first of the shirts that I ordered to Leslie’s house that actually fits now… none of my stomach is showing! That does not mean that I’ve lost weight, rather that the shirt that I ordered in October is the only one that I ordered in the correct size.

    Have a great day folks!

  • The Case of the Missing Package

    As I drove into the east side of Toronto yesterday afternoon, I got a notification that Canada Post had delivered a package. Actually, I got the notification from the US Postal Service, through which the package was sent. I was excited, knowing that Leslie had shipped me a few things that I needed… including meal replacement bars!

    I arrived at the front door to my building, and there was an envelope for me, but no box. Hmph. I took my bags upstairs, and indeed there was a box for me on my doorstep! It was an Amazon box, and not a USPS one. Okay, still not right, but at least the new lighting for my humidor arrived.

    It has happened a couple of times that the Amazon delivery guy would leave a package for me at the next building over, so before doing anything else, I took a walk over there to check. Nothing. I went upstairs and knocked on the door of the condo association president and asked if he could check the video footage for the past couple of hours. He went to look, discovering that the monitor was broken so he could not check. I started to think that there was a problem but hoped that the mailman pressed ‘Delivered’ when she meant to press ‘Held at Post Office’ which meant I would get a notification.

    It was at this point that I started to think the box was lost. Speaking with Leslie last night, we lamented that it was fortuitous that she had listened to me and not included the very expensive box of sexy cigars that she bought me for Valentine’s Day, opting to hold on to them until our next visit together.

    IMG_2005This morning, I got a cautious text from Leslie. ‘Okay are you ready for the f-up of the century? What is your address?’ When I told her last night that the package was marked as delivered, but was not here, she decided to go back and check… it seems she fat-fingered my address and typed a 3 when it should have been a 6.

    I was in the middle of my morning shake but told her that as soon as I was done with it, I would bundle up and take a walk across the street. I did just that, and sure enough the package was in front of the door of the apartment with the same number as mine. Interestingly, there was no security to get into the building… I could have walked up, taken the package, and been on my merry way. As I did not want to appear to be a mail thief, I rang the bell, and had a quick chat with the resident (who I had quite obviously roused out of bed). Once he understood me (English was not his first language) he wished me well.

    As I rode the elevator back down to street level, I took a picture of the package and sent it to Leslie. I did not open the box until we were on a video call together, and she could see my reactions.

    Not only did I receive my meal replacements (which had the cutest Valentine’s Day stickers all over them!), I received a great little drawing of a cartoon dog and a kiss (not drawn!). I also got a shirt that I ordered to her from Amazon in October, and which was reported delivered October 30. It had not arrived, and a couple of weeks later Amazon refunded my money (saying that if I did receive it eventually, to keep it). The shirt arrived earlier this month (February, so over three months later) with no explanation. It has now gotten lost in the mail twice; to avoid a potential third time, I will wear it tomorrow.

    Interestingly enough, this was not the only package to be marked as ‘delivered’ yesterday, that was not. A delivery for Princess Sophie (that had also been feared lost in transit) was reported as delivered… but is nowhere to be found. I hope that it turns up, but I am not holding my breath. While there are a couple of extras in it, the most important contents have been replaced. We’ll see what happens today… and I will ask the mailman if I see her.

  • Day 27

    Either the weekend’s cheating was too much and prevented any weight loss whatsoever, or the bathroom scale (on the uneven bathroom floor) is not reporting properly. I know that I cheated in Montreal, but I did not think it would be so bad that I would not be at all down from Friday morning. A week from today I will drive to the doctor’s office to get weighed, and we will see if I have made any progress whatsoever. In the meantime, I plan to stay the course. If, however, by next Tuesday my weight has not dropped below 350 lbs, I am abandoning the hybrid approach and going back to the regimented plan.

    On the drive home from Montreal, I did buy an all-beef pepperoni stick. I am not even sure that I was that hungry, and I do not know why I did it. The emotional turmoil from the last few days, matched with the anticipation of my evening meal of chicken and salad. I broke down, and I shouldn’t have. I should have just lit another cigar and waited until I arrived home to eat. I wonder how much of my weight-stasis is owing to the high salt content of that treat. I know that I should not be touching any processed foods, but I did, and now I have to move forward.

    I am not sure how I will be able to move past the emotional and psychological realizations I made this weekend. They were hard and painful, and I do not know what I am going to do. I know that there are people who are concerned about me, but I do not know if I can overcome them. My parents, my sister… when I went off to the Army I should never have come back. I should have changed my name and disappeared from their lives, and screw them all for whatever hurt it might have caused them. Lord knows that my mother and my sister never gave a damn about causing me hurt, and my father’s failure to protect me… I would not have wanted to intentionally hurt him, but I should have protected myself whatever the consequences to him and to them.

  • Day 26–Monday, February 14, 2022

    Happy Valentines Day. My Valentine is 1600 miles away, but at least I will be able to speak with her. I sent her and her son a couple of gifts which they received and enjoyed over the weekend, but I really need to remember to ship her box to her this week!

    Yesterday was not a good day. I started out by visiting my father’s grave, and while it was -28° with the wind chill, I had some things I needed to say to him. It was cold but I said my peace. I did not rush it. I lit up a cigar, and by the time I was done, my cigar was nearly finished too.

    As I prepared to leave the house, I made sure to take my shake pouch with me. What I neglected to take was my shaker bottle, which meant that I could not actually make it. As I left Stephane’s house (where I smoked my second cigar, while chatting with a few friends), I took a handful of mixed nuts. As I sat with Caryl and Lawrence, I had a few slices of cheese. Either of these (or even both of them) would have been fine. It was the breaded foods and egg rolls that I had during the Super Bowl that were the killers. I did not overly pig out, but I did have a couple of egg rolls, a couple of chicken strips, and six wings. While the chicken was breaded, I take at least some comfort in knowing that they were baked and not fried, which would have been so much worse.

    Today has to be a better day for my diet. I have to get through it without cheating. I will be driving much of the day – I only sat down at my computer so that I could write and maintain my routine. Once I finish, I will pack up my kit (most of my stuff is already packed, and I am somewhat relieved that I am leaving Montreal with fewer bags than I came with) and hit the road. I will stop in Brockville to top up my fuel… or at least, fuel up enough to get to Tyendinaga, where gas was $0.16/litre cheaper than it is anywhere else along the road in Ontario (which is another $0.10/litre cheaper than it is in the Province of Quebec). Fuel prices have skyrocketed these last few weeks. I do not know if they are at an all-time-high (which is possible), but they are certainly higher than I have ever seen them.

    The drive will look like this: Brockville for gas, Tyendinaga for gas and a chat with a friend and potential business partner, and then probably one more stop to pee. I just finished my morning shake (it is 9:10am) so I will pull over somewhere around 1:00pm to prepare Shake #2. That should already be past Tyendinaga, but I do not need to map out everything with military precision. Taking a leisurely pace and the planned stops, I would like to be home by 3:30pm or so. There are advantages to not needing to stop to eat!

    I do have to pick up Princess Sophie from Nathalie’s house. I really have missed her this weekend, and especially knowing all of the crap that I have been going through it would have been very nice to have her here. If the timing works as planned, and if nothing else comes up, then when we get home we can take a nap before I have to start teaching at 6:00pm. Oh, and I should make sure I have lozenges and lip balm.

    Have a great day folks!