Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 438

    My weight this morning was terrible. I know there are several factors involved, and I also know that I probably overdid it for a few weeks, so this blip (and it will be only a blip) is not going to bother me. I had little sleep, I had a reasonably unhealthy breakfast at the airport, I had a decent lunch, but between this and that, with the snacks I bought for the airplane (and which I had more of with a cigar later), and with the food I ate when I got home (in addition to a bowl of cereal, I also had several slices of dried fruit – and all of that very late at night), it is no wonder that the scale this morning was trying to scare me. Today I will be more mindful, and while I am not going back onto my full-fast, I will be more careful of what (and when) I eat. I am still taking a few days before going back onto my modified program, hoping that a couple of my issues do right themselves. I hope that by the time I get back to Canada they will all be a distant memory, and I can get back to losing weight.

    I did not jog yesterday, but I did decide to walk back to where I am staying from the cigar lounge. It was a 6.5 km walk which is absolutely nothing that would be a problem for me, but I was wearing sandals; even had I not slipped and stepped into a mud puddle reminiscent of the La Brea Tar Pits, I would still have had blisters. As it was, when I got back, I spent ten minutes spraying mud off the sandal… and my foot. I was planning to take a break from jogging for a couple of days, but I still wanted to reach my daily steps goal. I crushed it!

    Today I will not be jogging again, but I am going somewhere later in the day that will, once again, involve a lot of walking… and standing around. I will wear much more sensible shoes today and will take better care. The blisters on my feet are more a nuisance than they are a pain, but if I do not take care of them then I may be taking a longer break from jogging than originally planned.

    My goal is to return to Canada a week from today no more than ten pounds heavier than when I left. As long as I am mindful, I will be fine. If that sounds like a lot, you are right… but when you go from eating no carbs or starches to eating a lot of them, the weight can jump back quickly. Yesterday was a bad day for that, but the rest of the week I will be much more careful.

    Yesterday morning I posted on my Facebook wall before and after pictures, with the following message:

    I want to thank those of you who have offered words of support over my journey. Fourteen months ago I made the decision to stop being fat. I have been overweight since shortly after the Army, and I decided I did not want to be overweight anymore. To all of you with whom I was short when asked about it or offered advice, I am sorry… not sorry. Too many people have offered too many opinions and advice, and none of them are doctors or weight loss professionals.

    To those who want to know how much weight I have lost, the simple answer is that I have lost a healthy buxom supermodel… maybe a little more.

    To those who want to know how I did it, the simple answer is cigars and the flesh of those who thought their unsolicited advice was so necessary to foist on me.

    To those who have been supportive and offered words of encouragement, who have not tried to get me to eat or drink just this once, I thank you.

    To all of you, I love you all. While I have maintained a weight loss blog (that was always openly accessible, but never publicly discussed on open forums, this is the first time I am publicly discussing it and sharing my before and current photos. I say current and not after because I am not done… but it is time.

    I will never offer unsolicited advice, and I know what works for me might not be right for you. But if you want positive support and encouragement from someone who has been there, reach out.

    Picture 1 was taken on January 19, 2022. Picture 2 was taken on March 30, 2023.

    The response from friends and colleagues has been amazing. Now I have to stay like this… or keep getting better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 431

    I slipped last night. The salad I had in the evening was likely of little consequence. When I got home (after 11pm) I had that last bag of pop chips (actually called Crispy Minis I realized) in addition to my meal replacement shake. Combine food that I should not be eating at hours when I should not be eating anything, and the result is what I got on the bathroom scale this morning. I hope the nearly two-pound jump from yesterday, in addition to surging above that previous monumental achievement of dropping below 260 pounds, and you have a big, loud wakeup call that will serve as a reminder of the consequences of not being mindful for just a few moments.

    I had trouble falling asleep, but once I had, my precious puppy let me know at about 3:15am that she really needed to go outside. She is not a fan of inclement weather, and while I had taken her outside several times during the day (and when I got back from Toronto), she had only sniffed briefly at the grass, peed a little, and then insisted we go back inside. When we went out before bed to blustering winds and freezing rain, she did a little bit of business, but then made an about-face and guided me right back into the building. I was pretty sure we were done for the night, but that was not to be. As a result, my sleep definitely could have been better.

    There are two measurements that my new fitness watch tracks which my old one did not. In truth, there are several… but these are the two I have been watching and am focusing on now. The first is sleep, which I suppose my old one probably tracked too, but with its much shorter battery life I never wore it to bed. Whether the other one did or not, the new one provides a sleep score, which for last night is telling me that: ‘You slept long enough, but you spent too much time awake. You may not feel well-rested today.’ I could have told it the second part, although I am impressed that it thinks I slept long enough. I think he mistook my lying in bed resting (and checking my phone) with actual sleep.

    The second measurement that it is providing me is called body battery, which provides a number for estimating my changing energy levels throughout the day. Right now, it is at 84, the highest number it has been since Tuesday before my jog. I also know that it likely takes a few days wearing the new device to get an accurate picture of that, so when Monday (the first day that I wore it and that I exercised) it registered a 100 (and then only dropped to 37 after 8km on the treadmill) I will assume that it was just trying to calibrate. Following Friday’s nearly 80 minutes on the treadmill my battery dropped to 11, and by the end of my relaxing Saturday it had not risen above 75. I will keep an eye on it as a matter of interest and curiosity, but I am pretty good at knowing when I should and should not work out.

    Speaking of which, today will likely not be a jogging day, for a slightly amusing reason. I do not always clip my toenails as well as I should, and I believe that the nail of my pinky toe on my left foot has cut into my next toe with all of my recent running. I will clip them on both feel today, and if I feel the need to jog later in the day (a definite possibility, especially with the weather forecast) then I will bandage my second toe before heading out. I am not sure I have ever put a Band-Aid on any but my big toe before, but there can always be a first time, right? The critical importance of having healthy feet is a lesson that was drilled into us in the Army, and I will not disappoint those who drilled that into me by letting a toe get infected for no reason other than stubbornness. In the meantime, if after my lunch with my son (the younger) I can clip them and then go for a run before Julie comes over then I will gladly take the opportunity; the forecast is for a sunny day with a high of 9°, making it a brilliant day to hit the road. Tomorrow’s forecast promises chilly temperatures with a mix of rain and snow all day… if I am going to jog outside this week, it looks like today, Tuesday, and possibly Thursday are the days to do it. The rest of the days will be gym days only.

    Yes, my diet buddy is coming over this afternoon around 4:00. I joked with her that instead of out usual coffee we might go out for beers and to ‘score some chicks’ which was my feeble attempt at Sunday morning humour. Her wife is in Yukon and mine is in Dallas so we joke like that a lot… and look forward to the day when we can actually go to a bar to see which women check both of us out. Neither of us would ever follow through with anything, but it will be nice to be looked at. We have both been overweight for so long that we are used to being ignored. We both have wives who love us and who have always been attracted to us, but it is nice to know that other people can look at us that way too. As it stands, we will sit at my place and have coffee; after these last few days I feel that I do need the touch point to get back on track, so it will be good to see her for that reason as well as just seeing my friend.

    I am taking my son the younger for lunch today, and I hope he picks one of the places with fewer temptations. No, he just confirmed that he wants Lone Start Texas Grill. My response to his mother was ‘Fucking Lone Star.’ There is nothing wrong with the restaurant of course… and I can have my usual salad there (and not finish it or take it home with me). It is just those damned tortilla chips and salsa that kill me every time. I MUST RESIST. Maybe I will ask Tex or Dakota or whatever stupid alias the server uses that is supposed to sound Texan to bring me celery sticks to dip into the salsa instead. I will find a way to resist, even if I have to eat the damned salsa with a fork. When I get home this afternoon, I will be proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation. I swear to G-d I will figure out a way. The salsa is high in sodium but if I ate three ounces of it with celery, I would be at 18 calories with 3g of carbohydrates. I can live with that.

    I am back from lunch, where I did mostly okay. I ordered the grilled chicken fajita bowl, eschewing the cheese (of course) and the rice (mostly). I did eat four of Gilad’s tortilla chips. Four chips is immeasurably better than all the chips! When I was dropping him off, his mother told me I should come in to bring his brother his birthday gift. My son the elder was quite impressed by my selection and invited me in to sample it. I had the smallest portion of whiskey possible, and it was absolutely delicious. I could easily have poured another three or four measures for myself; instead, when he brought out pecan halves, I took six – a reasonable portion by any measure. We spent several hours talking, with some amazing revelations which I will not share here.

    It is a beautiful afternoon – it is still sunny, and the forecast high temperature is two degrees behind us. I am going to clip my nails and go for a jog. Julie had to cancel, so we will have a phone call instead. That’s life. The day is mostly done, and my biggest temptations and hurdles are in the rearview mirror. I was not strictly on my program today… but in the balance I will chalk it up as a success. Tomorrow morning when I write of this afternoon’s jog I hope to do so with a spring in my step, as I plan my trip to the gym to attack the treadmill with gusto.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 429

    After serious thinking and discussion with the woman I love I decided this afternoon that I was going to defrost and prepare a steak. I told Leslie that I wanted to do a really good jog first, but I have been tempted too much these last few days, and I was going to eat smart. I tried to do a 10km jog, but that proved too much. I jogged 7.25km and walked the remaining 3km to get home, which did give me the 10km that I was hoping to achieve. Before I even showered, I jumped into the car to go to the supermarket to pick up some vegetables to make a salad. I came home, showered, got dressed, and prepared my meal. It was delicious! My housekeeper had unearthed a bag of pop chips, and I devoured those as well. That was a terrible decision, but much better to do it with pop chips than with potato chips. Knowing that I had the remaining vegetables in the fridge, I weighed the options of having another cheat day today, or just making another salad in the evening. I opted for the second choice, which I prepared with the last package of smoked salmon that Leslie had given me for my birthday. It was delicious! I hope now that the temptations of fast-food restaurants and deep-fried chicken wings will be behind me. In other words: sorry, not sorry.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 7.25 km (6.02 km)
    • Duration: 57:03 (33:05)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m53s (5m29s)
    • Steps: 8,850 (5,065)
    • Calories burned: 754 (720)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 155 (153)

    I am back on track today, but I am starting to realign my thinking. With the tremendous progress that I have made, especially in these last two months of being on the full-fast program (excepting for my trips to Dallas), it might be time for me to start looking at an endgame… a time to start weening myself off the full-fast program, and in fact working toward being off any programs. I have said recently that my intention is to get through two more months on the full-fast (excepting, of course, another trip to Dallas), and then to begin transitioning off the program. That transition might take many forms, and it would not be a quick process, but it is something to start thinking about. I am also thinking, after yesterday’s multi-meal indulgence, that over my last couple of months – that is, between now and when I start transitioning – it might not be so horrible to have a healthy planned cheat meal every two weeks, or every week, or whatever that might end up looking like. I will give it some thought over the next few days.

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale with the full expectation that I would have gained two pounds, taking me back over the 260 lbs. mark. In fact, I gained only .6 lb. which was a much more reasonable result from the decisions I made yesterday. In truth, had I stopped with the steak and salad, I likely would have lost an ounce or two this morning; also, I know the evils of eating late at night, and preparing my fish and salad at 9:30pm was counterintuitive. I am back on track today, and I will recover what little ground I lost in my journey over the next couple of days.

    Today is Friday, March 24th. I am planning to go to the gym today, seeing as the weather will be cloudy and cool. In fact, looking at the ten-day forecast, there will not be too many days that promise enjoyable outdoor running conditions, so I will likely be spending quite a bit of time on the treadmill. As long as I go today, I will be continuing my streak – I have jogged every day since Monday, for a total of 31km jogging. Today will be Day 5 of that streak, and I am planning for at least 10km today. There is a Garmin Connect badge that I would collect if I can do one fifteen-kilometre jog during the month of March, and I might try for that… but I also will not push myself too hard. I have to listen to my body and let pain be my guide.

    I find it hilarious that my gluteus maximus muscles are aching these last couple of weeks; Until a few months ago, my posterior would hurt most often from sitting on it for long stretches of time. Knowing that it is aching because of the tremendous amount of jogging I have been doing makes me want to make them ache more! That is not to say that I have not thought about finding a decent massage place that might be able to make those muscles (and the rest of them) ache less, but that is not my number one priority right now. I am a strange bird in a lot of respects. I consider the aches that I am feeling my body’s penance for neglecting it for so long. While there are days when I take a couple of aspirin (I think I did that one day this week), that has been the extent of my need to deal with any discomfort. Well… that and readjusting how I am sitting a few times!

    There is a song that I remember learning from a buddy who was a sergeant on a base that I served on for a couple of months. Funny, I do not remember his name, but I remember him walking up to where I was standing post and singing ‘Today is Friday… and tomorrow is the Sabbath, the Sabbath for us to rest.’ The thing was that he was singing it to me on a Tuesday, and I kept yelling (in jest) ‘LIAR!’ Well, today really is Friday, and while I do have to teach this evening, tomorrow really is the Sabbath. I will remember the Sabbath as holy as I always do… observing the Fourth Commandment (as it is written in Exodus 20:8. I am afraid that I do not observe the Sabbath Day as holy as the Commandment decrees in Deuteronomy 5:12) by lighting the candles this evening and reciting the blessings and praying for the health of my family and friends. The list of my friends for whom I pray continues to grow, which is sad. I do not mean prayers for general well-being, of course. I mean the list of my friends who are sick. A number of them have cancer and are undergoing treatment for that. Two were in terrible automobile accidents and continue to recover. So many others are going through so many different health-related issues that I sometimes feel guilty that I am, for the most part, in perfect health. I am still obese, but I am not morbidly so as I was. My gout has not bothered me in months (thanks to a pill that I remember to take every morning). My ADHD is under control (thanks to the other pill that I remember to take every morning). When I pray for Sophie and Marty and Sean and so many other friends who are hopefully going to get better I also thank Hashem that I am not in their place. I am truly blessed to be in good health, and I hope going forward to never take that for granted… as I did for so many years by ignoring the importance of a healthy body weight.

    My plans for today are to stay mindful, to stay on track, and to stay focused. A ten (or more) kilometre jog on the treadmill will be nice, but it will not be an excuse to have a second consecutive cheat day. I do have some work to do on my teaching workstation today – I noticed a lot of slowdowns on it recently and decided that refreshing the operating system was just what the doctor ordered. Of course, that also means that I have to reinstall a lot of my applications, and that I have to log on to my class a few minutes earlier than I normally would, just to make sure that all of the tools I need to teach have been reinstalled. While I am on the treadmill I might try to calibrate my fitness watch because I am pretty sure that while it does great when running on the street (it has a great GPS in it), it is not properly calibrated for my pace on the treadmill. I will set a lower pace on the machine, and then try to get it properly calibrated so that my future measurements – as I get more into shape and more into running – will be more accurate. While I do plan to finish my pot of coffee today (and hopefully I will remember to buy more fake milk), I have no plans to consume anything else beyond my meal replacements. If needed, I will also pop a throat lozenge during class. I do not know if the bathroom scale will reflect it tomorrow morning or the next, but my weight loss progress will resume, and I know that what I have been doing is working. I will keep that up!

    I have reached out to my diet buddy who will likely be coming over tomorrow or Sunday for a cup of coffee. Once she confirms which day works better for her I will reach out to my son the younger and I will take him out for lunch the other day of the weekend. I will not be eating with him though… and if he insists on going back to Lone Star Texas Grill then I am going to use it as an opportunity to prove that my resolve is stronger than my desires, and that I do not have to succumb to every temptation. I hope he picks somewhere else though… but I have not seen him in a month, and ultimately it will be his choice. Feigning a stomach virus so that I do not have to order food is not a bad idea, but not eating those chips is more important. I am going to start thinking about that now and will go into whatever restaurant he chooses with the resolve to stay on track.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 415

    Sorry… not sorry. I was completely expecting to be two pounds heavier this morning than I was yesterday morning and I was. My weight has snuck back above 270 lbs., but that will be a short-term thing. I had a fabulous evening with my wife, I indulged in sushi goodness, and then we had a fabulous cigar on the balcony. All is well in the world.

    Leslie keeps calling me tiny. I love when I catch her looking at me in continued disbelief at my weight loss. It makes me happy to see the look on her face. I am so happy with her and being with her makes my life better.

    Leslie has to go into work for a couple of hours. I have a meeting at 11:30am, after which I will go for a jog. I am not sure how far I will be able to go before I stop and continue walking, but I am going to shoot for better than the usual 3km that I have been doing on a pretty regular basis. The weather will be much more amenable to it – I do not have to wear layers and layers – so maybe that will help. It would be wonderful if I could do 5km, but whatever I do, it will be better than staying home reading a book and smoking on the balcony. Please allow me to rephrase: It will be better for my weight loss journey if… because for just pure enjoyment, that other option sounds pretty good too!

    I will have a salad for lunch, and I will go shopping this afternoon for chicken breasts, which I will coat with breadcrumbs and prepare in the air fryer. Maybe I will get some cauliflower to prepare as a side dish. We’ll see what strikes my fancy as I peruse the aisles. It is also erev Shabbat, which means that Leslie and I will light the candles… and I brought challah rolls for the occasion. I will not go overboard, but I am excited to welcome the Sabbath in as it is meant to be welcomed in.

    My plans for today are to be better than yesterday, which is an easy goal. I started the day with a shower and felt refreshed, even though I had a bit of a headache (after sleeping much later than I even expected to). I made a meal replacement shake and a cup of coffee. As for the rest of the day, I listed my intentions in the previous paragraph. There are temptations abound but there are also really good reasons to not succumb to them. The way my wife looks at me seeing how well I am doing, and how strong I have been these last couple of months… how could a few snacks ever compare to that? I will stay mindful and I will get back on track. Yes, this morning my weight was up slightly over two pounds; on my last visit in January that was exactly where I was the day after I landed, and I ended up losing 3.2 lbs. that trip… and more if you consider the trip home! All this to say that I am not worried about today’s weight gain blip. I will get back on track starting now and will be able to continue to hit my short-term goals. Right now, two of those are real huge milestones: a) Hit my best weight from 2020 (260.4 lbs.); b) Drop below 260 lbs. c) Drop below my best adult weight ever (255 lbs.). If I can achieve that last one by the middle of April, I will have a very quiet and personal celebration. By the way, if it takes until May 1, then what can you do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 414

    Welcome to Dallas! After three restful hours of sleep, I kicked out of bed at 2:05am to get ready so that fifty minutes later I would alight the back seat of an Uber to take me to the airport. It had not occurred to me that March Break is starting, and that the airport would be a madhouse. No matter, I got through – despite much longer lines than usual at every step – and was safely ensconced in a restaurant in Terminal 3 ordering breakfast at 5:05am. This was my first meal of my cheat day, and I ordered a breakfast wrap (which I had to specify no meat) and a cup of coffee. As the only dairy option for the coffee was cream I drank it black; I realized as I drank it that the coffee that I did not like at Starbucks had not been bad, so much as now that I am drinking it without any sugar, and often black, I am just more discriminating. On my way to the gate I did stop at Starbucks where I was able to grab a coffee with oat milk to take onto the airplane; this blend (True North) was much more pleasant than the Pike Place blend that I did not like the other day. It could also be that after the diner coffee it was just that much better in comparison.

    I cheated on the airplane, but I knew well in advance that I would. I bought a bag of salt and vinegar flavoured Pop Chips, as well as a tin of Lays (of the same flavour). I had some of each, but when I had my fill, I threw both of the containers out. I was not sure if I would be doing that but am glad that I did.

    My weight on the bathroom scale was up slightly from yesterday, but that was expected; I usually weigh myself around 8:15am, a full ten or eleven hours after my last meal replacement. At 2:30am I was scarcely five hours past my last shake. Last night I told Leslie that I knew that this morning’s weigh-in would be meaningless. Even so, I still expect tomorrow I will be up a full two pounds from this morning. Today is a real cheat day! Leslie and I are dressing up and going for our sushi indulgence this evening, which is fast becoming a tradition for my first night in town. I will settle down tomorrow and will be much better over the next few days. Yes, I am off the full-fast program, but that does not mean that I plan to let myself go on this trip. I will be having two meal replacements every day, a very reasonable lunch (as I did today with my Thai tofu salad from Salad and Go), and a proper evening meal. I will be planning almost every meal in advance, whether we are cooking at home or eating out. Starting tomorrow I will also be working out every day, whether that be in the gym or out for a jog. My goal for this trip has always been to gain no more than two pounds, and I know that I can do that if I am smart… and ever mindful.

    I am tired today, but that is to be expected. Even after a proper night’s sleep I am always tired from traveling, so with the short sleep and long lines at the airport I would not expect otherwise. Still, I am thrilled to be here. Leslie and I are finally together again, and whatever fatigue I might be experiencing it counterbalanced by the excitement of that. We belong together, and we will make the most of this week.

    Today is the first day in a while that my plan is not to stick to the program, but I am not sorry for it. I have been planning for today and have been so regimented these last few weeks. The key is to not go overboard… and to get back on track tomorrow.

    Leslie was shocked when she put her arms around me today. We were snuggling and she was amazed by how well I have been doing. She saw me a scant five weeks ago and is amazed at the progress since then, to say nothing of how much smaller I feel to her from when I was at my heaviest. While she is not the only reason I am on this journey, she is certainly among the top three reasons. I want to look better for her – she deserves that. She also deserves to have a husband and lover who can… well, do better with less than I could ever do with more. In June I told her that as I lost weight I would be much more into certain activities that I will not discuss here. On my last visit I reminded her of that conversation; she told me she was not sure at the time that she believed me but was pleasantly surprised that I was right. It will just keep getting better babe… I promise!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 390

    I was disgusted with myself as I dropped my son off after our lunch together. I forget the draw of the chips and salsa that are brought unbidden to the table, and I ate a lot of them. It was only later that I looked them up to discover that the serving is 310 calories with 68g of carbs. I think the 4g of sugars is irrelevant… I should not have touched them without looking them up first, and once I looked them up, I should not have touched them at all… but once I touched them, I should absolutely have limited myself to 5-6 chips. Once my meal came (which was what I had planned) I ate all of the vegetables and about half of the chicken, but I had almost none of the rice. I do not think that is a good trade-off for the chips, but it was at least a minor penance.

    Driving home I realized the gravity of my mistake and tried to figure out how best to handle it. I decided that if carbs are fuel for the body, then I should work out. I had a number of reasons why going to the gym would not have been convenient, so I decided to go for another jog. When I got home, I suited up, and remembering some of the discomforts of yesterday I made two modifications to my wardrobe. Looking through my front closet, I found a pair of gloves that I bought specifically for running (they are branded The Running Room, which means that I was married to my first wife when I bought them), as well as a headband that I suspected would double nicely as a neck warmer. I told Leslie that I was going for an hour, and I set out on my trek.

    My pace was not as quick as it was the previous day, but that did not matter as much as getting out and doing it. I chose to take mostly the same route as yesterday, except I opted to run through the park. While there was a brief area where I was careful because I was not sure if it was water or ice, the trail was mostly dry. I knew it was unlikely that I would be able to do the whole 6.5 km path jogging, but I was determined to do a little better than I did previously. I forced myself to jog until I had three kilometres behind me, then I pulled up, reset my trackers, and walked the remainder of the way home. With the slightly longer route through the park that I took, the total distance was 3.6km, which took just over 1h5m. Whatever the pace was, I consider that a successful outing, and if there was anything I could do to mitigate the stupid lapse in judgement at lunch.

    I do not know what the jog did to counterbalance my disgusting indulgence, but despite the horrible 1.6 lbs. gain this morning, I am still glad that I did it. The exercise was necessary, whether as a penance for my transgression, or simply as way to clear my hear and refocus my energies on what I need to do. This morning I sit looking out on a new day, and I will be back on track with my program. There will be no eating off the program this week. I will be sticking to it religiously, and by the end of the week I will be beyond that next minor milestone… below the 280 lbs. mark.

    I should mention that I really hated seeing the number shoot up on my push to best weight ever spreadsheet. Today is the eleventh day that I am maintaining it, and to see the comparison to 2020 shoot up from 2.4 lbs. yesterday to nearly 7 lbs. this morning hurt. I should take a peek into my previous journal to see what I did on July 30 to drop so sharply the next morning… but it shot back up the following day, so whatever it was, it did not last. Tomorrow’s comparison number will be better.

    I had to help Leslie with a difficult issue in the afternoon, after which we were able to relax with a couple of lovely cigars on the balcony. Video dates with her are tough, but in the grand scheme of things we both know that technology makes us easier to stay connected now than it would have even a decade ago. We both hate the distance, but at least we can have these times together with our video calls.

    Today I have nothing much going on in the morning, and then my housekeeper is coming in the afternoon. I have to remember that when I leave the house to pick her up from the train, I need to stop at the supermarket to pick up distilled water for my humidor’s humidifiers, which ran empty this weekend. Even though Kerry will be here, Eduardo might come over in the afternoon for a cigar, which will be nice. He wanted to come Wednesday, but that would not work for me. It will be nice to catch up with him; I have not seen him since I went to Dallas. I will teach in the evening, but unlike the stress of last week, this week I teach three evenings for 3.5 hours each. That is nothing I have to worry about, and it will be a relatively stress-free week. Tomorrow I am having a haircut and then going into Toronto to help someone with some computer issues they are having, and the only stressful part about that is having to drive into Toronto (and then out of it) during the week. I am tempted to take the train and ask them to pick me up and then drop me off (or at least take an Uber). Driving in Toronto is the epitome of not fun. I thought for a few minutes to change my haircut to a haircut and straight razor shave, but that was when I thought it was $15. I just went online to look, and they charge $80 for the combination… for that money, I will shave my own damned stubble, thank you very much! Yes, the straight razor shave feels so wonderful… but at that rate it will always be an occasional indulgence, and not a monthly occurrence!

    My plan for the day is to stay on track, and not lose focus as I did yesterday. I need to regain my forward (downward) momentum. I would think about going to the gym, but after two jogs over the weekend, I think I am going to take a couple of days to rest my quadriceps. One thing I am surprised about is that these last couple of days I have not had any pain or even minor discomfort in my right knee. I know that even as late as Friday I was taking Tylenol to ease it. I wonder if whatever is wrong with it is improved by the exercise, which is interesting because every study and anecdote I have ever heard about states that jogging is bad for the knee. Maybe it is not that my knee is better, but the recovery pains in my quads are distracting me from it. Who knows? Whatever it is, I am going to keep it up!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 354

    Today is Sunday, and I have no plans other than staying home and relaxing. I will do some prep work for the class I start teaching tomorrow, even though it is a very basic class. Also, I think I am going to create a number of new Azure AD accounts for myself, each corresponding to one of the training centres that I teach for. That way, I can segregate certain things without worrying about overlap.

    This might sound like an irrelevancy, but I am also thinking about moving my laptop from the left side of my ‘teaching’ desk to the right side. The way my desks are set up, I have a shelf that swings out from the side of each desk, and the laptops sit atop that shelf. When my desks are not cluttered (which is something else I will work on today), it gives me more room and a more comfortable workspace. My desks sit at a 90° angle to each other, with a corner table between them on which my printer sits (along with a bunch of other junk, some of which I might declutter today as well). At present, the shelves are both attached to the left of each desk; this means that for my main workstation, the shelf swings out over the printer, and for my main workstation, the shelf swings out over Princess Sophie’s food and drink station… and if I am careless, it would not be difficult to bump it while walking by. I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that I would move the shelf for my teaching desk to the right side of the desk, which would then swing out over the corner table, and might give me a slightly cleaner feeling to the rest of the room. If I do that, I will also be changing the placement of my teaching camera; the laptop is connected to a 34” ultrawide monitor which is my main screen, but when I teach, I only share my laptop screen, which I need to be able to see and talk to. If I leave the camera where it is, I would be showing my students the left side of my head, rather than looking and speaking directly at them. The reason I did not go forward with this change when I first thought about it a couple of weeks ago is that I could not find the proper screwdriver bit. I thought about buying a new one but did not get to a hardware store. I found it yesterday, and the project can proceed. Yes, that is how boring my life can be sometimes.

    As I mentioned yesterday, I went for lunch with my son. I ordered the grilled chicken fajita bowl, which is listed at under 800 calories. How sick is our society that the menu option with the fewest calories is still that high? Of course, I ordered it without cheese, but that is not a huge difference. The really big mistake that I made was with the chips and salsa that they bring you to indulge on while you wait for your food to come. The smart move would have been to refuse them, but then my son would have nothing. The next smart move would have been to push them to the other side of the table, where he could chomp on them out of my reach. The really boneheaded move was to leave them where they were and eat a lot of them. Fortunately, the dish is not too big… and when they were done, I rejected the waiter’s offer to bring a refill. I ate about a quarter of the fajita bowl and then packed it up to take home (as my son, always predictable, was ready to do the same with his wings, queso, and chips). Giving it some real thought, I made my first smart decision of the day (or at least at the restaurant). I did pack it up to go… but I left it on the table as we walked out.

    After dropping my son off, I came home and was still hungry. Yes, I had devoured the chips, but I hardly touched my protein… and empty calories do not really fill you up for long. I decided to compromise, so rather than making my usual meal, I made a single piece of chicken with a salad. Add to that a protein bar later in the day, and I was good. No… I was not good. The chips made me very bad. My appetite for the day was satisfied, which is far from the same as being good.

    The bathroom scale this morning read the same as it did yesterday, which is not at all surprising. Frankly, it is a bit of a relief that with the chips and all that I was not heavier. My goal for today is to eat normally and not veer from my program… and hopefully tomorrow that number will be down.

    Over the last couple of months, I have written many times about the emotional and psychological troubles that I am going through right now. I am not sharing here because while this journal is meant to be my outlet, it is also meant to be dedicated to my weight loss journey, and not about the rest of my life. In good times I tend to share many things that I would not be willing to share in bad times. These last couple of days I have finally opened up to a very close friend about what is going on. I also know that Thursday I will be meeting with my therapist for the first session in our new regular cadence, and I will speak with her about it. I mention this because a couple of friends have reached out to me and said ‘Hey Mitch, I read what’s going on. If you need to talk, I am here for you.’ My response has always been negative, but the sentiment is always appreciated. I want these friends – and anyone thinking of reaching out – to know that I am not bottling things up. I am just not going to share certain aspect of my life with the Internet. This is the third time that I am writing such a journal; the first two times they were completely private, so I could unload without fear of anyone reading it. This time around, every journal entry is also a blog post. My hope is that one day both the blog and the journal can be an inspiration to others who are going through a similar weight loss journey. The positives are helpful, but some of the negatives are too private to share.

    As I prepare to redouble my efforts on the program, I am renewing my hunt for the meal replacements that are actually on the program that I want to follow, rather than looking for things that might be similar on Amazon. The ones that I like are part of a medically prescribed program, and they include all of the nutrients that our bodies need. It is not simply about calories, proteins, and the regular macronutrients that we are all focused on. As I have stated before, while I will not name the program (for a number of reasons), it is slightly different between Canada and the USA. In the USA I can buy the products on eBay, but not in Canada. As I do not know when I will be back in the USA, I am going to see if I can source them here. I think I have a lead, and hope that this week I can confirm the source. Unlike previous attempts, I am not looking exclusively at buying from people who dropped off the program. I have a lead on a source that is a doctor’s office. I might have to give them my health card info so they can charge the government for a doctor’s visit… but that does not bother me. I will keep you in the loop as to how it pans out.

    This morning was the first time in a couple of weeks that Princess Sophie and I went out for our walk and the temperatures were below freezing. Yesterday during the day, it dropped below 0° as well, but it was only when I came home in the early evening (from smoking cigars with Eduardo) that they dropped. The high for the day should be at the freezing mark, which is still unseasonably warm for January in Canada. Yes, it is a big country, and some parts of it are warmer; for the Greater Toronto and Hamilton Area, 0° is above average for the first week of January. A month ago, there was a report from Environment Canada that predicted that after a couple of extremely cold weeks, the rest of the winter would be quite mild. That is exactly how it has panned out so far. With that said, I am not rushing to sit outside today. I just do not know if I am in the mood for a cigar. Before anyone gets worried that I am signaling that I have been kidnapped, there are times when I am not in the mood for a cigar. I am not saying that I couldn’t be convinced, but I am not yearning for it. Also, even with the heater, I do not feel like sitting outside in the cold today. Knowing what my schedule looks like for the week, I likely will not have an opportunity to smoke before next weekend… but that is not the end of the world.

    Have a great day folks! It is time to prepare lunch.

  • Day 342

    I completely fell off the wagon yesterday. Am still down a couple of ounces. It is a Boxing Day miracle!

    I pulled the meal replacement bars out of the pantry, because I had planned to eat one on the way to Strathroy, so that I would not be tempted by the spread of finger foods that Cam and Amanda always put out. Pulling them out of the pantry is not the same as taking them with me. You see where this is going, right?

    What saved me was the fact that all of the desserts had dairy, which I cannot eat after meat (or in this case, fowl). While it all looked wonderful, I decided that if I could not be true to my diet, I should at least be true to my religious beliefs. While everyone enjoyed Cool Whip pie and shortbreads and other yummies, I took a handful of cashews and pistachio nuts, which I enjoyed with my after-dinner coffee.

    Today I am taking my son the younger for lunch, and I know what I have to do. I will stay on track today, and lunch will be a salad. If he opts for a restaurant where that is not an option, then I will abstain. I have plenty of leftover turkey that came home with me last night, so I don’t even have to cook. I will prepare a salad to go with it, and that will be that.

    By this afternoon the weather should reach today’s forecast high of -2°, which means that it might be comfortable enough to enjoy a cigar on the balcony. We will see. Cam and Amanda gifted me a bottle of 14-year-old single malt whisky (they always know my size!) but I think I will abstain. I am still in the first week of taking medications that are designed to affect my mind, and I do not think that drinking alcohol is a good idea… at least not until I have seen the doctor after the second week. No, I will stick to coffee and tea, which considering the fact that it will be -2° and I will be sitting outside is probably not a bad idea anyways.

    I have to acknowledge a couple of non-scale victories… or at least, changes in my behaviour this week:

    First of all, as I sit at my desk typing, there is a pile of wrapped presents next to me… along with a large box of dark chocolate Chanukah gelt coins. Some of those coins are for my sons, some for friends who I will see later in the week. The old me – no, that is not right… I have not changed; Had I behaved the way I used to behave, I would have thought to open a bag (or two) of the gelt for a snack. These coins have been in the house since mid-November, but they have been on my desk for a week. I have not taken a single coin.

    Second: I mentioned that I went to visit Eduardo Sunday evening. He had received from his family a fancy package of dried fruits and nuts, which he opened and put out for us to snack on while we enjoyed our cigars. At a certain point we were both done with them, and I decided to put them away. I know myself, and when there are finger foods (especially wonderful things like nuts and dried fruits) easily accessible, it does not matter that I have had enough… I will take more. Putting them away and out of reach (and out of sight) made it easier for me. When Eduardo told me I should take them home, I politely declined. He insisted, telling me that he would not eat them. I told him: ‘My friend, I thank you for your kindness. You know that I am on a diet, and I have a track record for not having great self control around food. If I take them home, I will eat them all in one sitting, as I have nobody watching. If you keep them here, you can offer them to me again the next time I visit, and I will eat some of them… because you are here, and I will be conscious of someone watching me so I will not gorge. That way, they may be here for two or three more visits. If I take them home, they will be finished before I go to sleep tonight.’

    These two acts are things that I would not have done had I not been focusing on awareness. Focus and Awareness are two of my themes that I have called out these last few days as things that I have to work with. Whether the ADHD meds are helping with that or not, I do not know… but I am working on them, which is what I need to do.

    Okay, I am off to the UPS Store. My godson loved the Lego set that I bought him for Christmas. Unfortunately, grandma and grandpa brought him the same set a couple of hours later; I gave him the option (which he took) of my taking it back and ordering him another set. This was done in consultation with his father (who is more obsessed with Lego than any adult I have ever met), so this time it should work out. I find it hilarious that when you return an item on Amazon (Canada) they ask you why you are returning it. Some of the options require you to pay return shipping costs, others do not. If you select an option that requires it, you can go back and select another. Also, I found it weird that they offer you the option to exchange, but the exchange items are from a limited list… none of which had anything to do with the original gift. No matter, the return is in progress, and the new kit will be delivered to Douglas at his home on Thursday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 337

    I cheated yesterday. Sorry, not sorry.

    It started after my doctor’s appointment. I went shopping and I decided, in addition to my regular chicken, that I would also buy a couple of packages of meatless hamburgers with the wonderful, seeded buns that Leslie and I discovered. By the time I came home, I was extremely hungry – I had eaten my morning meal replacement quite early, and due to several delays, it was way past lunchtime. I prepared one of the buns and two of the burgers. They were delicious! They also did not completely satisfy me, and an hour later I decided to prepare a piece of chicken with salad. With that, I was good… and would have been sated for the evening, had my ex-wife not told me (at 3:00pm) that I was invited to join her and our son for dinner that evening. I had a salad, but it was still a cheat meal.

    I took my first Adderall yesterday after shopping. Since my appointment with the therapist last week, I have been thinking about all of the issues that I have, many of which affect not only me but others around me, that can be attributed to ADHD, and I have been anxiously and eagerly waiting to see my doctor so that I could get a prescription. My doctor is extremely cautious, and insists we start with a low dose. I am hoping that in the next few days I will see tremendous improvements in my focus.

    It was wonderful to see my son (the younger) and to light the candles with him. I felt so bad that I forgot the presents that I bought for him at home (along with the Channukah gelt), but that will only give me another opportunity to see him in the next few days… after the storm. Yes, we are expecting a storm that should begin this evening with rain; as the temperatures drop, the rain will transition to snow. Anyone who has lived in Canada will realize that a bad storm that starts as rain and turns to snow means that the rain that has already fallen turns to ice and makes for extremely dangerous winter conditions. The walking will be bad, but the driving will be terrible and dangerous. The prescribed advice by Environment Canada (as well as basic common sense) is to stay home. The rain is set to start in the evening, so any errands that might be needed should be done earlier in the day. I went shopping yesterday, so there is not a lot that I need… but I will go to Fortino’s to pick up challah rolls for tomorrow’s Shabbat prayers. After that? The only time I need to go outside is to walk Her Royal Floofness; she is quite unimpressed by stormy weather, whether that be a little rain or a giant winter vortex. She will step outside briefly to do her business, but she will be back inside before my step counter reaches 200.

    My only obligation today is a meeting with a company I plan to do some training for in the new year. That consists of familiarizing myself with their LMS (Learning Management System) environment, and then a quick orientation meeting to welcome me to the team. I know… dress professional, speak professional, take attendance, look good so we look good. I am happy to comply! After that, I will head to the store for what little provisions I need. After that? Knowing the storm is coming, I might sit outside under the heater (the calm before the storm) and enjoy a cigar. We’ll see.

    Leslie asked me yesterday afternoon if I was feeling a sudden laser-focus after taking my first meds, and I did not. Truth be told, I was thinking from beginning that the first indicator that I was experiencing any benefits from the medications would be the level of distraction writing this journal entry. So often these last few months I have taken over an hour to write, not because I am slow, but because I am easily distracted. Whether it be email or Facebook or whatever, on days when I do not have appointments it is not uncommon for me to start writing at 9:00am and finish a thousand-word entry three hours later. While I did get pulled away briefly (the training company sent me an email asking for some information), I still think I have gotten through this entry with more focus than usual. I started at 9:10am; it is now 9:40am, and I am ready to wrap it up. Is this because of the meds, or is it because I said to myself that this is what I needed to do in order to show measurable progress? I do not know… but it is one of those, and I suppose that my wanting to show progress and thus making progress is in and of itself progress. To quote an old adage: Fake it until you make it!

    The numbers on the scale this morning were exactly where I expected they would be, knowing how badly I veered from the program yesterday. Today I will do better, and tomorrow’s numbers will reflect that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 334

    I cannot say that I do not deserve for my weight to be up this morning. It is not because of the little Chanukah treats that I enjoyed last night (which were I so tasty!), but because on top of those, I added two bowls of soup and a bowl of popcorn. Let me say it one more time for the cheap seats: CHEATING WILL NOT LEAD TO WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS.

    I originally thought it would be nice to have a steak to celebrate the Argentina victory, but I opted for my usual chicken and salad. Had I stopped there, and not indulged in all of the rest of it, I might be in a better place today. All I can do is try to do better today. I looked at the defrosted chicken soup in the fridge (which I took out of the freezer nearly a week ago) and realized that if I did not eat it soon, it would go bad. At this point I think I should have thrown it out rather than eat it, but I cannot change the past; I can only try to do better going forward.

    I have a lot of studying to do this morning in preparation for a demo teach that I have to do at 1:00pm. After that, my cleaning lady is coming in the afternoon. I have done what needs to be done to prepare for her (laundry so that she can change the bedding, fold, etc…) and will be able to relax once she is here. I have some e-mails to respond to, but once today’s demo teach is done, I will be done for the year. I will do some studying in the next couple of weeks, but aside from a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, my calendar is clear. I will be able to split my time between relaxing, studying, working out, and seeing some friends.

    Have a great day folks!