Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 279

    I guess it was going to happen. After my vaccine, I found I was ravenous. I had crackers (the last of them) and pop chips (the last of them) but that was not enough. I was going to make myself a proper chicken meal, but I realized I had frozen all of my chicken. The large pack would not fit in the microwave to defrost, so I put it in the fridge to start on today and defrosted a steak. I could have kept eating but thank G-d I pulled myself away from the table and grabbed a cigar. The result? A 2.4lbs spike on the scale this morning. I stayed below that 310lbs milestone, but not by even half a pound.

    I will do better today, and the weather is helping. To look outside, that might sound strange… It is a typical autumn day, but with heavy fog that is supposed to lift in the afternoon. I have a haircut booked for this morning, and Lyle was going to meet me there after I was done so that we could smoke a cigar, and then have lunch next door at Son of a Peach, a very good pizzeria. Instead, we are going to meet at his house at 2:00pm… after the fog lifts, but also after I have had my lunch, which will be what I am allowed to eat on my program. We will enjoy our cigars on his patio, and I will not be having a second consecutive cheat day.

    Yes, I overdid my cheat yesterday, and I paid for it dearly. I suspect though that a lot of the 2.4lbs that I put on overnight is from the salt and water retention, which means that if I am good today, I should have a significant drop on the scale tomorrow morning. Either way, if that is the only ill-effect of the vaccine (well, and the injection point achiness) then I’ll take it and run. I did think I was getting the flu shot as well, but the technician at the pharmacy did not know anything about that, so I let it go… and called my doctor to make sure I could get it on my next visit, two weeks hence.

    My ex-wife texted me this morning to tell me she was in the hospital, having had an emergency appendectomy last night. She assured me that our son the elder and her partner are taking care of our son the younger. I told her that if she keeps it up, she will surpass me in the number of scars. Hopefully I will not be much competition going forward, knowing that the last of my scars is over twenty years old.

    Okay, it is time to head out to the barber. This afternoon I will be heading to Hamilton, but not before I come home for lunch… and Princess Sophie is explicitly invited to smoke with us, so I will be collecting her as well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 275

    I did slightly better yesterday than the previous couple of days, but I am still not happy with my cheating. I have to get off that merry-go-round. Leslie had a good talk with me about it, and I told her that I have just been out of sorts this week… in my head. I assured her that it is nobody’s fault but my own. I am hoping that with the coming of the weekend, and the nicer weather, I will be able to get back on track. While it might be windy, it should be warm enough for me to enjoy a cigar on the balcony after lighting the Shabbat candles this evening. I do not know if I am cheating because I have not smoked a cigar since Saturday, but they do help.

    This morning I got onto the scale before I showered and was a pound down from yesterday. I then got onto the same scale after I showered and weighed .2lbs more than yesterday. I am sticking with the first weigh-in… I don’t know how 20 minutes can make the difference of 1.2lbs, but I also know that weight loss can be maddeningly frustrating. Again, it is not the points on the graph that matter, it is the overall (hopefully downward) trend.

    If you ever wonder if people can really change for a person, I am sitting at my desk at 8:30am listening to the new Taylor Swift album, which dropped last night. It is pretty good! I am also enjoying a cup of coffee, waiting for my students to come into the room. I took Her Floofness for a walk, then came home and said my prayers before making my coffee and shake. Leslie is a huge fan of Ms. Swift, and while I will not automatically like anything for anyone, I am happy to give it a shot. She has a pretty good sound… so far, I think my favourite song on the album is called Vigilante Shit. I’m not sure why, but I like it!

    Today is going to be a tough day of teaching. It is the last day of class, and I am way behind in the material, so I will have to zip through a lot of it. Normally, I lecture for a bit, and then give the students lab work to do. I am likely going to leave all of the labs for the end of the day (and the weekend) because I have to get through all of the lectures. I am rarely in this spot, but I have been in worse spots… the students should be happy in the end!

    My goal for the day is to not cheat. I will have my chicken and salad for lunch, and the only carbs I will have are in the challah and wine I have for the Shabbat blessings. If I can make it through to the end of class, then I will be able to have a nice bit of challah, and that should satisfy my out-of-band hungers for the day. All I have to do is get to 5:00pm… and the peace and blessings of the Sabbath, which along with challah and wine will also bring a cigar.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 274

    The last few days have been hard. I am not in the right headspace for my class; I am not in the right headspace for my diet. I have been cheating, and I know I need to stop. I am working on it. Hopefully today will be better. I have to do better. Fortunately, I have not slid too far – I am not at my original stated goal of the week (under 310lbs), but I am also not over 312lbs. I have to remember that even when I slide, it is important to not slide too badly. A week of treading water is better than a month of perfect swimming… and then drowning.

    I booked my fourth dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. Monday afternoon I will get stabbed one more time. Twice, actually… I am also getting my flu shot at the same time.

    I wonder if my weight-management troubles these last few days might not have something to do with the weather. Yes, I have my heater on the patio, and I am able to smoke my cigars all winter long. With that said, I am not sure that I am ready for these temperatures yet. The high temperatures since I got back to Canada has not hit double-digits, and it has been cloudy and a bit rainy all week. That changes tomorrow, with a forecast high of 14° Celsius, and gets even nicer for the weekend. In fact, the ten-day forecast (which is akin to voodoo) shows highs from between 13° and 19° every day, with sunny or partly cloudy predicted for most of those days. I can definitely get with that… and maybe it is not such a bad thing that I have been mostly sequestered in the apartment teaching this week, and not next week.

    Today will be the fourth day in a row that Princess Sophie’s best friend Charlie spends the day with us. His mom has to work all week, and I was only too happy to help. He is delicious and they love each other, but I only wish that sometimes they would play a little quieter. My students can hear them, and they can be a little distracting.

    When I first moved into this building, the first person who introduced herself was a downstairs neighbour named Wendy. She has a dog named Bella, as well as a cat named Oliver. She told me that if I ever needed anything, I could ask her. When I needed someone to take care of Princess Sophie in my absence, it was her suggestion that I ask Susan (and Liz, Charlie’s Mom). I knew before I left for Dallas that she was not feeling well, but I did not know any details. I found out yesterday that she is dying. While she has all of her faculties (I am told by her family), her body is riddled with cancer. I am truly sad and will miss my conversations with her. She is a lovely woman who always has a kind word. Liz and I were talking yesterday about the pros and cons of a quick death, both on the person and on the family. I see Wendy’s family coming and going at all times – I assume they have to take care of her 24/7, and someone has to take Bella out – and cannot imagine what they are going through. I am keeping them all in my thoughts and in my prayers.

    I expect this evening I will have my weekly check-in with my weight-loss buddy. It will be good to touch base because of how badly I have been doing this week. Of course, I am less than a pound heavier than I was a week ago, so all things considered, not the worst stumble I have had.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 273

    Rule Number One of weight loss: STOP CHEATING. Thus endeth the lesson.

  • Day 272

    I have to stop cheating! Get back into the habit of sticking to the program… not a little, not mostly, but completely. I can do it; I have to do it! I lost weight on the scale this morning, taking me back to my best weight ever… tied for last Wednesday. That is a success despite failing. I am hoping that today I will be able to succeed completely, and tomorrow my weight on the scale will be lower.

    I went shopping yesterday evening, picking up the right chicken for today. I am not sure why I did not think to buy lettuce, which means another trip to the supermarket this evening after class. That’s okay, I do not seem to get as tempted at the store as I used to. If I go today, my next trip will be Friday afternoon, when I can pick up more vegetables, probably more chicken, and a challah roll and small bottle of wine for Shabbat. In my efforts to be truer to my faith, I made that commitment, and Leslie has been very supportive. She and I have been lighting the Sabbath candles together every week for nearly a year. She understands that getting more in touch with my faith is important to me and has concerns that it might become all-encompassing. I assured her that while my faith will always be a part of me, it will never be a very time-consuming part of me. For example, I just put on my tefillin and said my morning prayers, and it took me about ten minutes. I do not think that she would consider that an unreasonable amount of time to reconnect with G-d once per day! However, as she has no previous experience with Jews, it is a fair concern.

    I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning, and the temperatures are certainly cooler than I have gotten used to over the summer! Today’s forecast high is 8° Celsius, with rain predicted throughout the day. Fortunately, it was not raining when we were out, and she was very cooperative. It is much easier to walk one dog than two. I say that because my neighbour asked me yesterday to take care of Charlie during the day, and he will be with us all week. I could hardly say no after all she and our other neighbour do for me when I am away! I expect he will be coming over soon, and if they can keep their voices down, they mostly entertain each other during the day. Of course, Charlie tries to convince me that his Mommy never feeds him and that he is a poor, starving, neglected puppy. I can assure you, he is not! He will get a couple of treats though… because he is a very good boy!

    I have another day of teaching ahead of me, which is good. I am enjoying it as always, although I think a few of my stories yesterday put us a bit behind schedule. I will hit the gas today and make sure I can catch us up. This is not the first time I have had to do that for a class. I do, however, have to be more cognizant of which screen I am sharing. Yesterday, for about five minutes at the end of the day, I was sharing the wrong screen. I do not think there was anything overly inappropriate on it, but I hate doing it anyways!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 269

    Yesterday went exactly as I expected that it would. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, leftover Mexican food for lunch, and Italian food for dinner. The only real cheat in there was the dessert that my wife and I shared… a decadent piece of cake with a canoli on top (which she insisted I have). It was only because of that I was concerned that when I got onto the scale this morning I might be disappointed… but I was not. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised. Wednesday I was in best-ever territory, before giving back a little over 1.5lbs over the next couple of days. I am back to within .2lbs of where I was, and that is a good feeling.

    As we were getting dressed for the event yesterday, I decided to try to put on one of the new belts that I bought last month, which did not come close to fitting then. It was tight, but I was able to wear it. I am calling that another huge non-scale victory. I doubt it will fit with every pair of pants that I own, but if it works with some then I am happy by the minor progress.

    Another victory, and it is partially connected to the scale, is that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is under 40. In fact, it has, over the past two weeks, registered under 40 on five days, not surprisingly the five days when my weight was at or under 311lbs. The best that it has ever been was 33.4 on September 27, 2020… my best day from my last weight loss journey. It is disheartening to realize that even with all of my progress this time around, I am still fifty pounds heavier that I was then, and that it might take me another five months to get there.

    I know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint, and there is no healthy (and non-surgical) way to lose weight quickly. I just wish I thought I could do the full program completely (meal replacements only, no food at all) for a couple of months and drop it all… but I do not think I would be able to do it. I am worried that I would, as I always have, fallen off the wagon… hard. No, slow and steady is my best course to long-term success. I know that, and I plan to follow that… I just don’t have to be happy about that.

    Our plans for today have changed. We were originally going to drive out to Cigars International again for the event, but after yesterday’s Davidoff event (which was a real bust), we decided to stay closer to home. I am a member of a cigar lounge that is a five-minute drive from the house, and we will have just as good a time on the patio there as we would on the patio of the lounge at CI, which is a bit of a schlep. The staff told us what we could expect from the Oliva event today, and frankly there is nothing that will tempt me. Had we gone out there, we would have had to buy a couple of boxes of cigars to make it worth our while, and truthfully, I don’t mind spending the day at Addison. It is just more of a homey feeling to it.

    My goal for today is to relax with a few cigars, and to eat reasonably smart. I had a meal replacement for breakfast; we might have salads for lunch, but that will be up to Leslie. Dinner tonight will be our last dinner together for this trip, which is sad… but at least we know that in just over a month, she will be coming to Canada for ten days. With that said, I am not looking forward to flying back to Canada tomorrow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 266

    Best-Weight-Zone is a great place to be. I am back to what I weighed at the end of February, 2021. My best weight of that year would be three days later, the day that I started my contract with Microsoft. I weighed 305.6lbs that day (March 3). By March 31, I weighed 325.2lbs. I had not quite given up… but I was close to it. My actual give-ups were probably the day that my father passed away (April 19), and then the day I returned to Canada (July 16). That will not happen this time.

    I worded that in a way that made it sound like something happened to me. No, it was me doing it, and so a better way to say it would be I will not do that this time. My goal is to get slim and to stay slim… no matter what external forces push me. That is a great goal of course… but the reality is that it is an extremely difficult course that I am on, and I have to remember to persevere, no matter what. If I falter one day, I have to get back on track the next day.

    The psychology of weight loss is complex. Anyone who says otherwise does not understand the forces at work. It is simple to say ‘I will not eat anything bad. I will not eat excessively. I will continue to exercise.’ It is not nearly as easy to maintain that attitude long-term. That is what I have to do… and if I fall off the wagon on any given day, I need to pick myself right back up the following day and continue. Alcoholics use the mantra ‘One day at a time.’ I have to keep going. I have to remember what I discussed months ago in this very journal, about how overeating is an addiction just like alcohol. To treat it otherwise is to belittle the difficulties in losing weight, at least for someone who has been obese their entire life (or in my case, my entire post-Army life).

    Several months ago, I wrote an entry called Temptations and Cravings in which I discussed the allure of a particular fried chicken restaurant… I discussed how after the last time I ate it I felt nauseous. I knew that I should not be tempted by it, but I was. That was on Day 9. You would think that by today, 257 days later, I would be over that craving. Yet just three days ago, as I was driving toward the salad place which was closed, I saw this chicken place and was sooo tempted. I know it made me sick! And yet there I was, so tempted to pull in to take home a bucket of extra crispy. Whoever said that food is not addictive was completely out to lunch… pun intended.

    My foot is hurting again today (and has been since last night). Perhaps the six kilometre walk yesterday was not my best idea. I’ll get over it, but if tomorrow I feel like heading out, I will first decide if the pain is worth it. I am perfectly ready to say that it is… but Leslie might have another position, as she does not enjoy seeing me in pain.

    The plan for today is to spend it at the cigar lounge. Leslie is going into her office for an event, and so I could either sit at home pining for her (which I will do anyways), or I could sit at the cigar lounge enjoying a stick or two. I quite think I prefer that second option. For the first time in a fortnight, we will be alone this evening – her son went back to his father’s house. As such, this evening will be a date night, with a nice dinner, and then drinks and cigars on the patio. While we love spending time with the boy, we also love spending time alone. Also, after her week with him at Disneyland, I know she needs a bit of a break from him, and a bit of adult time will do her well.

    It is another beautiful day in Dallas, and we are going to enjoy it. I will probably sit outside at the lounge today, depending on a few different factors.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 264

    Yesterday did not go well for me. I fell off the wagon. I do not know what happened to me, but it was bad. It was not a cheat day; it was a failure. Today I have to get back on the wagon. I am starting it right, with a meal replacement and a cup of coffee.

    What is the difference between a cheat and a failure? Intent and enjoyment. A cheat meal would be if I were to say: ‘You know what? I deserve a bowl of pasta. I have been good this week, and while it is not on my program, I can afford one bad meal.’ A cheat is something I will enjoy, that is planned. When coming home from the lounge at nearly 9:00pm, I realized I was hungry. Trying to be good, I drove up to Salad To Go at 9:00pm exactly, and had just missed them by one minute. A success would have been to go home and have a meal replacement. What I did was I drove across the street to Panda Express. I do not even like Panda Express. That was a failure, pure and simple.

    My foot is still in pain. It is not as bad as it was… not nearly. I suspect it was a bout of gout, probably because of the carne asada from Friday night. Whatever it was, I was stupid for not just picking up some painkillers Saturday morning. When I walked into the apartment yesterday, among the first things that I did was to take a couple of Ibuprofen. All that to say, I am hoping to resume my fitness walking tomorrow. I think I need one more day though.

    My plan for the day is to spend a good deal of it at the cigar lounge doing some reading. Around 4:00pm I will come home to shower and change my clothes, and at 5:30pm I will be at the airport to pick up Leslie and her son. I saw them Saturday but have missed them! I am really looking forward to hugging my wife. I will stop by Salad to Go to pick up a salad for lunch, and will not leave the lounge until it is time. Today should be an easy day to control my food intake.

    By the way: I wrote yesterday that I hoped to be below 315lbs this morning. I was not – I am 316.2lbs, which means I gained five pounds on the trip… but I honestly expect that much of that is from yesterday, with all the crap… much of it was salty. NOT GONNA DO IT TODAY!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 263

    The Day of Disney was enjoyable, and while I did not stick to the plan, it could have been much worse. I had avocado toast for breakfast on my way there, then mid-afternoon Leslie’s son wanted pizza. My options were either non-kosher, or cheese pizza. Yes, I ate lousy pizza. Leslie (my biggest supporter) and I agreed that there were no better options.

    On my way home from the park, I decided to pick up chicken from El Pollo Loco. I seem to recall my ex-girlfriend loved the food there. I don’t understand it, but to each their own. It is not that it is bad, just… well, having eaten at Zankou this week, I know there are much better options.

    My step count was exceptional. I do not remember the final tally, and because I am in the air I cannot check. Aside from the park (which is a lot of walking to begin with), I decided to return my rental car last night, and then walked back to my hotel. Yes, for a regular fitness walker, the extra mile (quite literally) should not be a problem. However, when you are walking around on a foot that is in agony, it was a challenge.

    I confess, I also had a bag of chips last night. Bad Mitch! After doing so well at the park, the chips was not the worst thing in the world… but it was not good.

    At the park, I did have a bite of Leslie’s churro, and I also had three spoonfuls of the milkshake monstrosity they shared. By the way, four of us could have shared the thing and still been over our daily calories limit. I am glad I was able to restrain myself. The boy was hugely excited about the thing, but that’s why they sell them.

    My breakfast options at the airport were not great. Again, I opted to eat kosher-style, so a turkey avocado sandwich was my only option. That and a cup of coffee satisfied me nicely. In flight, I did have the cookies with my coffee, but only one (I usually ask for a second).

    Leslie was worried that I would not be eating the chicken legs & thighs that I have in the freezer today, but I gotta say that after nearly a week on the road, I am really looking forward to cooking my own food. I am probably meeting friends this evening, so when I am back from the airport it will be my midday meal.

    Oh, and I have a new friend. For the first time in a while, I brought a second carry-on bag with me, so my new R2 unit could comfortably fly with me. I’ll post pictures to Facebook when I am home.

    I expect I’ll have gained a couple of pounds this week, but it should not be disastrous. I am crossing my fingers though… if I stayed under 315lbs I’ll be happy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 259

    Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. We fast from sundown yesterday to sundown today, which means there will be neither meals nor meal replacements until dinner. It is a day when we ask G-d for forgiveness. I have a lot to ask, and will be in synagogue all day. Actually, I will be at the Canyon Club, which is a hall my synagogue rents for the High Holidays every year… but it’s the same thing.

    I did eat out yesterday… breakfast (a piece of avocado toast with tomato and a poached egg), and lunch (a half turkey sandwich from Von’s). Neither was over the top, although it would have been smarter to eat less bread.

    For dinner, my friend Kareene offered to cook for me, which was very nice of her. It gave me the chance to see her children (and her dogs). She prepared seasoned chicken brochettes with rice and grilled vegetables. On the surface, that sounds like a healthy meal that is completely friendly to my program. It should, by all accounts, have been a good meal to start my fast with.

    It may sound good, but in fact it was disastrous for both my fast and for my diet… although only temporarily. Here’s how:

    1. The brochettes were store-bought, and while they were very tasty, they were so salty that within 30 minutes my mouth and throat were crying out for water.

    2. The salt content caused me to retain water, and the numbers on the bathroom scale were extremely unfriendly this morning.

    I assume they over the next couple of days, the numbers on the scale will stabilize back to where they were yesterday. However, by the time I got home to my buddy’s house, I needed water. There was no way I could have made it through the night without.

    There are Jews who do not fast on Yom Kippur. There are some who will drink water only, or coffee, or whatever. I try to eat and drink nothing at all. This year I failed in that. I own it. With that said, I woke up this morning and did not have coffee, and I did not take a drink of water. I did brush my teeth and took my pills, but until we break the fast this evening, there will be nothing else. I hope that it is not too hard.

    It is great to see all of my friends down here. I don’t miss everything about California… but I do miss them.

    Have a great day, and an easy fast, and the best for a happy, healthy, and sweet New Year.