Losing a part of me

Category: Clothes

  • Day 365

    What a number. Today is the last day of the diet year one. Looking at myself now versus then is… well, the transformation is amazing. While I am still a work in progress in so many ways, I am absolutely a different person. I have shed in one year just over twenty-five percent (25%) of my bodyweight! In pants, I am down from a Size-46 to a Size-40. My shirts are down from a very tight XXL to a comfortable fit XL. While I still have a few pounds to go before I am at my best weight from 2017, the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made back then fit, and only the jackets are slightly tight. While it is not really measurable, my face is noticeably slimmer. These are just the physical changes.

    A year ago, I hated myself. I hated what I looked like, I hated what I had let myself become. I absolutely hated myself knowing that not only had I lost over one hundred pounds and then gained it all back… but I had done it twice in under five years. I honestly did not know if I had it in me to do again, and if I might not be destined to spend the rest of my life as a fat man. I hated knowing that one day I would be a burden on the medical system and on my family because I did not have the discipline to control my appetites. I hated that I had the choice of wearing XXXL shirts that exposed my belly or spending money on XXXXL shirts that would cover it… but would also make losing weight a less pressing issue. I absolutely despised myself for having to buy a 4XL winter jacket, because in Canada having a winter jacket that fits is non-negotiable. On the eve of my weight loss program’s 1st anniversary, I have not worn that jacket… I am wearing the much smaller one that I have had since 2006. I know that next winter I will have to buy a new winter jacket… this one will be too big on me. All of my XXXL shirts have been donated to charity or given away to friends. My blood pressure is extremely low (yesterday it was 107/62), and my pulse is on the verge of imperceptible (58 beats per minute). The two medications I am on have nothing to do with my weight issues (or any health issued caused by them). With that said, they are both directly contributing to my quality of life, and that directly affects my happiness. The difference between today and a year ago is that when I look at myself in the mirror naked today, I still see a fat man… but when I put on a nice shirt and pair of pants, I look in the mirror and realize how good I look… and how far I have come.

    I will be dealing with food addiction for the rest of my life, which means that obesity will be hanging over my head, like the sword of Damocles. It would take only one slip – forgetting to be vigilant with how I eat – for me to fall back into it. That is a difficult reality to contend with, but to underline the importance of it, let’s review the lesson of the previous paragraph: the more weight I lose, the less I hate myself. Corollary: The slimmer I am, the more I love myself. If the size of my body is directly related to the feelings I have for myself, then every time I start gaining weight, I have to remember that as much as I might dislike myself for gaining five pounds, how much worse will I hate myself for gaining twenty… or fifty. Mindfulness, vigilance, and dedication to maintaining a me that I will love. Of course, I am sure that aside from my wife, every psychologist in the world would tell me that I have to learn to love myself no matter how large or small I am. That is a great theory, but if I can stay slim, then I can continue to work with my therapist on all of the other issues that I have that contribute to negative feelings about myself.

    This morning was the first day in a while that I did not lose any weight. Actually, that is not entirely true… As with so many mornings, I did not weigh myself once, but thrice. The first time, I was .2lbs. down from yesterday. I decided to not save that and stepped back onto the scale. I was .4lbs. heavier than yesterday. That really would not do! I weighed myself one last time, and the number was exactly what it was yesterday morning. Even a week or two ago I would have kept trying until I got back below that weight… even to the original .2lbs. down number. I decided that the stagnant number would be a punishment for my impatient to lose weight that I am losing… even though I am not losing it as fast I want to lose it. As my wife has pointed out to me several times, my weight loss is not going to be the constant downward trend on a line graph. There will be ups that counter the more frequent downs. I also need to remember that every weight loss expert in the world tries to discourage people from weighing themselves every day. It is exactly because of the discouragement that people experience when the numbers do not do what we want that they give this advice. There are so many reasons we fail on our weight loss journeys, and discouragement is a big one. I will not be discouraged. I will continue on. If I persevered the last two months of plateau and zero progress (despite extreme emotional crises), I can look at a single day of not dropping any weight and laugh it off, continuing on my journey.

    My plans for today are to start studying. I have wanted to continue on my certification journey for a while, but my ADHD has really hindered that. Honestly, I always knew that I had trouble concentrating and setting my mind to studying, but I never realized that there was a medicinal solution for it. While I had heard of people who used drugs to focus, I never thought that I would be one of them. Today will be the first time in a very long time that I am going to sit down and study… I do not know how far I will get today, but I will do what I can. After all, it will be a huge adjustment. I do have incentive though… I will be working together with a couple of friends (well, one friend and her adult son) in a study group to prepare for the exam. Liz has always seen me as some sort of certification prodigy. I don’t know about that, but I have been able to pass a lot of exams… as long as the content is in my comfort zone. The course we will be working on is probably adjacent to my comfort zone, but unlike so many other exams that I have passed, there is no way that I could sit down at the exam computer today and pass it. Maybe in a few weeks… we’ll see.

    Of course, this evening I am teaching again, which is great because not only do I love teaching, I also love the knowledge that sometime in the not-too-distant future someone will be paying me for teaching! While I am looking at job opportunities, right now the only income I have is from my teaching contracts… so woohoo, teaching tonight!

    I plan to stay on track with my four meal replacements today. Aside from taking Her Floofness out for her walks, I have no reason to leave the house today. I thought about going to the gym, but I think studying is more important. The other benefit to that is if I do not leave the house, there are fewer temptations. For example, I know that in the next couple of days I need to go to Bulk Barn. I am running low on doggie treats, so I need to pick some up. In addition to that, there are a couple of other items that I want to get, but if I did not need to get Scooby Snacks, I probably would not walk into that store… there are just too many temptations there. I am going out tomorrow, Saturday, and probably Sunday too… I will gird myself to go into the store and not pick up peanuts or almonds or anything else.

    I also think it is time for me to change the theme of my blog. The more I look at it, the more I see that the theme that I picked is missing a lot of things that it should have. I’ll try to spend no more than twenty minutes on that.

    There is a simplicity to being on the strict program that I had not put together before. Since the Army I have said that best way to make sure that people make the right choice is to only give them the one option. When I was on my modified program, I had so many choices to make. Many times, but not always, I made the right choice. If I had made the right choice every single time, then I would have lost a lot more than one hundred pounds in the year. The strict meal replacement program means that I do not have to choose what protein to cook for my meal… and trust me, I know that I was always making too much. I do not have to decide what vegetables to add to my salad, or how much olive oil I should sprinkle on before dousing it with (how much?) balsamic vinegar. The only choices I have to make are: 1) What time should I have my next meal replacement, and 2) Have I had enough water today? That’s it. There are no other choices to make… which means there is so much less opportunity to make the wrong choice. I have already made the decision that I will have one pot of coffee per day (three cups), with 1/3 teaspoon of raw sugar and a splash of It’s-Really-Easy-To-Believe-It’s-Not-Milk. By eliminating all food, let’s look at how my life is simpler… and how my weight loss program is actually easier:

    • I know what I am eating… every meal, every day.
    • The only time I ever need to go into the supermarket (the den of temptations) is every couple of weeks to buy milk/not-milk for my coffee.
    • Portions are not an issue… every meal is contained in a single pouch.
    • I can work through lunch (if I want to) because it is as easy to drink the meal replacement shake at my desk as it is at the kitchen table.

    There are probably other benefits, but these are four that really stick out to me. Of course, Princess Sophie is a bit miffed because she is no longer getting the cartilage from my chicken… but we have plenty other treats in the house, and she is not going hungry. Just because I need to lose weight does not mean that she needs to go without.

    Okay, it is time for me to get off my butt and get things done. It is time for my second meal replacement of the day, and when that is prepared, I will sit down and answer a few emails before I start studying.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 362 (For real this time!)

    As I wrote yesterday, there was no way for the bathroom scale to register a weight loss this morning without bringing me to the point of a one-hundred-pound loss. Following my morning washroom routine, I walked into the bedroom and looked at Princess Sophie and said ‘Girl, let’s hope to see the integer drop. Even if the fraction is .8, I would love to see the whole number as 294. 295 would reach it, but let’s hope that I surpass that number. I stepped onto the scale, looking straight ahead for five seconds as I always do so that the weight can be confirmed. The numbers on the scale read 294.6 lbs. I did it. Three days short of the one-year anniversary of my weight loss journey, I have surpassed the one-hundred-pounds milestone. I do not have a mirror in my room, but I can only assume there was a big smile on my face. I am not nearly at my goal weight, but I reached the next huge milestone.

    In the end, I did not go for my drive yesterday. I did not go to see Lyle yesterday. In fact, I did not leave the building except for when I walked Her Floofness. So, it is easy to jump to the conclusion that I did not accomplish anything. In fact, I went through all of my shirts (and I had a lot of them!) and tried them all on… or at least, I tried on all of the ones that I have not worn in the last week or two. I know that my custom-tailored shirts all fit, so that is fine. I was thrilled that all but one of my guayabera shirts fit. There are a couple of long-sleeved ones that I am really happy I can wear again. There is one that does not fit, but it should fit in a couple of months… if I keep up with my progress.

    I actually made three piles, in addition to the nineteen shirts that I put back into the closet: Shirts that don’t fit yet went into a bin with the rest of my pants that do not fit yet, along with a few t-shirts. Shirts that are too big were divided into two piles: one to donate, but the other pile is of really nice button-down shirts that I am offering to a friend who is bigger than I am, but who might be able to wear them. That pile has a dozen shirts that were all very expensive and are in very good condition. If he does not want the then I will offer them to another friend, and if he doesn’t want them then they are all being donated. This will all happen this week. In the meantime, my closet is so much cleaner with so muck more space that it has had in a very long time! I even re-hung the hang-down soft shelves unit that I was planning to take to Dallas with me. Only this morning did it occur to me that I am not quite done… there are shirts hanging in the closet in Dallas that will either come back to Canada with me or will be donated in Dallas. The timeline for that is not clear, but if nothing else, some of those shirts might make the trip back to Canada to be donated here, if only so that I can use them as packing material.

    I could not understand why my apartment was so cold yesterday. I was absolutely freezing by around 4:00pm, which was weird because yes, it was cold outside… but it was much warmer than it had been even earlier in the day, let alone the last few days. It was only after I got up to turn the thermostat up – and realized it was already at 75°F – that I knew something was wrong. I am feeling fine – not a hint of sick – so what is wrong with me? And then it dawned on me… I had already drunk 4-6 litres of water in the afternoon, and that makes all the difference. During both of my previous extreme weight loss attempts, I had made notes that the huge quantities of water that I drink have several effects, including, most relevant to this topic, is that it causes me to feel really cold… especially my extremities! While that does not solve the problem, at least it helps to know what is causing it. Yay.

    Something that I was worried about as I prepared to start my intensive program was that I have food in the house. When I first did the program in 2017, I emptied the fridge and the cupboards. I threw out everything… including spices. The only thing that I had in the cupboards for the twelve-week intensive program were boxes of my meal replacement shakes. This time around, I did not make that jump. If I wanted to, there is plenty of tuna and salmon in the pantry, plus a couple of cans of soup… and yes, all of my spices are still there. I don’t have much other than condiments in the fridge (except for a couple jars of pepperoncini, partly because I really like them but also partly because I always thought it was fun to hear Leslie’s reaction when she saw them. In the freezer I have a lot more… aside from a half-dozen Montreal bagels, there are a couple of steaks, several pieces of fish, a couple of packages of Beyond Meat burgers (and a package of the ground beef), and a box of a Buffalo Cauliflower meal that I think I bought to make when Leslie was here last but never did. The point of this is that I have plenty of opportunity to cheat… and like at lunch on Saturday, I get to prove to myself each time I open the fridge that I have the willpower to resist the temptations. In addition to everything else, it is another way that I can try to change my behaviours for the long term, all with the goal of breaking my unhealthy relationship with food.

    Like every day since Wednesday, yesterday’s intake was four meal replacements only. The difference is that yesterday morning I made the switch from the American product (with fewer calories, but more shakes per day) to the Canadian product. Unlike the American program, the Canadian one calls for four shakes per day; at 225 calories each, that makes a 900-calorie day. Add the negligible calories from what I add to my coffee, I will still be under 950 calories per day. As long as I can continue to lose weight on that, I will be happy. Now if plateau again, the only change that is left to make would be to cut out coffee… or at least the sugar and milk (or non-milk) that I add to it. I have not decided how long I will stay on the program, but I do have some thoughts on it that I will share later.

    I have been spending so much time these last few weeks about achieving the under-300 lbs. milestone and the losing 100 lbs. milestone that I have not really taken the time to recognize another, which is less clearly delineated that these others. In all of my serious weight loss attempts over the past six years, I have established and then several times changed what my ultimate goal weight is. That number has fluctuated between 195 lbs. and 225 lbs.; in the app that tracks my weight that came with the bathroom scale, that number is currently set to 210 lbs., only because the app needs you to enter a goal weight. In truth, I realized a while ago that I have not weighed under 250 lbs. (which was already fat) since the 1990s… in other words, my mid-20s. As I write this, I am fifty years old, and I recognize that the older body will not look like what the younger body looked like. In other words, my goal is to be slim… but I do not know what slim at my age (and with my body type) will look like on the scale. The important thing for me to recognize is that I want to get slim, and whatever my slim weight will be, for the first time since I started this journey a year ago, I do not have to lose one hundred pounds to get there. It is unlikely that I will ever weigh under 195 lbs., but if that is where I need to be to slim, then by the time I realize that I will likely be within 15-20 lbs. of that number anyways.

    I have so much more to say, but I have to head out to start my day. I am making sure to take two meal replacement shakes with me (along with a shaker bottle, not knowing for certain how long I will be out. Unlike during my modified program, if I am out and about without a meal replacement, I cannot drop into Bulk Barn to pick up some peanuts without it being a clear violation of my program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 358

    It is not often that I get out of bed in the middle of the night and come to the computer to write. I have not fallen asleep yet, so while it is now tomorrow, I feel like it is yesterday because I have not slept. As expected, I had a very uncomfortable conversation yesterday evening, and I cannot get it out of my mind… nor the repercussions, and things that I will have to do to finish that off. It is too painful to sleep, and I wish I was not on a diet so I could crawl into a bottle of scotch and drown myself in my sorrows. I do not really have that option though, do I? It is the middle of the night, and I have to be bright and alert to teach tomorrow… and what a long day it will be; I am scheduled to log on to my daytime class at 9:00am, and I will sign off of my evening class shortly before 10:00pm. I will have three 15–20-minute breaks during the stretch but my lunchtime, usually reserved to sit, relax, and eat, will be taken by an appointment with my therapist. While it will be a very long day indeed, I can think of no day more in need of a conversation with a therapist.

    The only thing I am looking forward to tomorrow (today?) is stepping onto the bathroom scale. After my first full day on the strict program, I expect I might be down a pound. Yesterday morning (or today?) I weighed 310 lbs… which means that in the next day or two I will finally break through that elusive 300-pound mark and into what I once dubbed two-town. I do not know how my stress and inability to sleep will affect the numbers on the bathroom scale; while I am hopeful for progress, I am not expecting anything. The stress of the day might affect my body in unpredictable ways. I might be five pounds down or five pounds up for all I know. There is no way to predict it. I am just going to have to wait and see.

    While yesterday was supposed to be my first day on the strict program, I actually did not conform completely. I was meant to have five meal replacement shakes for a total of 800 calories. In fact, I only had four, totaling 640 calories. Add to that my three cups of coffee, including almond milk and raw sugar, and I did not even come close to seven hundred calories on the day. Yes, I have been hungry for the last couple of hours… but I do not want to eat after 9:00pm. I did drink a lot of water during the day as well, which is prescribed on the program. I really should keep better track of my water intake, but it was probably at least two large Blender Bottles – probably between 1.5 and 2 litres. I will try to keep that up for the next few days and will endeavour to keep better track of it.

    Okay, I am going to go back to bed and try once more to sleep. I will eat another melatonin gummy in the hopes that sleep will not continue to elude me. One can always hope, right?

    —

    It is perhaps a bitter irony that on the morning after I got the terrible (but expected) news, after the restless and mostly sleepless night that followed that news, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and I saw the number that has been just out of reach for two months. My weight this morning has dropped below 300-pounds for the first time since I started my diet just under one year ago. I wish I could share the celebration with Leslie. Unfortunately, that is not in the cards. I am at a loss for words on that subject.

    Yes, today is the first day of my residency in Two-Town. I was going to say that I hope that I am now a permanent resident, but I remembered that hope is not a strategy. I am going to have to work hard to stay here, and to become more deeply ensconced in it. While the Jeffersons moved on up, my goal now that I am here is to move downtown… I am at the very top of the Two-Town neighbourhood; by spring I hope to be in the 260s, and by the end of autumn I would love to be around 210. Is that possible? I do not know. These are goals; whether I will achieve them in that timeline I cannot say, but I am going to work on it. To quote Paul Simon’s Crazy Love: “Well this will eat up a year of my life… and then there’s all that weight to be lost”

    When life gives you shit, it is important to try to find at least some positive. You can see shit as smelly waste that leaves a bad stench, or you can see it as fertilizer that eventually give you roses.

    • Let’s start with the fact that I was able to stick to the full, unmodified program yesterday. I was truly concerned that I would not be able to. Whether that will be sustainable for a couple of months or even a week or two is still unknown… but I will do my best to stick with it for as long as I can. More on that in a few minutes.
    • As I mentioned in an earlier article, I have decided to wear a shirt and tie (often with a jacket) when I am on camera from now on. The first three days of this week I wore shirts that I had custom-tailored for me when I weighed sixty pounds more than I do and had altered to fit me again about forty pounds ago. Today I put on a shirt that I had tailored when I weighed thirty pounds less than I do today, in 2017. It fits perfectly… even over an undershirt. In honour of that, I am also wearing the tighter sports jacket that I had made at the same time.

    …yeah, that’s about it. I cannot think of any other positives this morning. I am glad that when I start telling them I will have the full support of all of my friends… but I am not ready to start telling people yet. I will start with my therapist, with whom I have my first regular appointment today during my lunch hour (which, with the consent of my students, I pushed by 30 minutes to accommodate). Two of my friends knew (not suspected) that it might be coming. Everyone else? I do not feel the need to advertise my pain.

    I want to get back to the meal replacement program. I mentioned that yesterday was my first day on the strict program, and that I have enough product to make it through next week when I will have the time to drive into Scarborough (with the current traffic it would be a one-hour drive each way). This is a combination of the American and Canadian products, which are different in a number of ways. I have done the math, and I have enough American shakes to get through the third meal replacement Sunday. If I replace two of the shakes with soups (also American product), then I make it through Sunday night. I will have a couple of soups left over, but that’s neither here nor there. Monday morning, I will start on the Canadian product, which changes the program in two significant ways. The advantage of the Canadian program is that it gives you an extra 100 calories, which is that much more energy consumed. From experience, I know that I have been able to survive and even thrive on the Canadian program. The advantage of the American program is that while it is fewer calories, you eat more often throughout the day – five meal replacements instead of four. Eating less, but more often throughout the day, has real psychological advantages, and even with fewer calories, I know I was able to survive and thrive on this program too, and eating less but more often is a good solution to the boredom-eating that I am prone to. Starting with a few days on the American program and then changing to the Canadian one after a few days will give me those few days to get used to only eating meal replacements… five of them for five days, before transitioning down to four of them on Monday.

    My goal most days is to stay on track, or right the course, or to not cheat. Today is a much harder day, and my goals are:

    • Make it through the day without falling apart.
    • Do not fall off the program – consume my five meal replacements, and nothing else.
    • Figure out how to be completely professional all morning, then open up to my therapist at lunch, and then immediately transition back to being professional right after lunch.
    • Stay awake! I am working on a total of three hours of fitful sleep, and I have a twelve-hour day ahead of me. While I seldom do this, I expect that I will be preparing a second pot of coffee today.
    • Try to get a good night’s sleep tonight. However tired I might have been, sleep eluded me last night, and I will pay for it today. I might need the coffee to stay awake today, but however tired I might be, I will need to cut myself off around mid-afternoon so that the only thing impeding my sleep is my brain, and not the chemicals.

    Will I succeed? I have to… my career depends on it. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I have a reputation of being a top-notch technical trainer; I have learned the hard way a couple of times that a minor slip can have devastating consequences… and this cat is on his seventh if not eighth life in some things. No matter how sad and depressed I might get, I have to put on a brave face for the students… and for the training centre. I can fall apart on the weekend… as long as I schedule it in advance.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 356

    Today’s article is almost complete, but it has been a VERY busy day! I will post the real article this evening, but in case I do not, I do not want to lose my streak!

    Okay, here we go:

    Yesterday went pretty much as I expected it would yesterday. I taught all day, and the class went well. There are some technical issues that the training centre will deal with, but my teaching is on point, my presentation is good, and the students (all four of them) are engaged. All in all, I am happy with the week. I made lunch exactly as I had planned to, and it was very tasty! Today will be my last solid food for a few days… I do not know how long that will be, but I want to break out of this damned plateau, and at this point, a complete shift is what I need. I have one piece of chicken left in the fridge. After lunch today, I will cut out all solid foods for a few days… maybe a week, maybe a month. Who knows.

    Knowing that my day today is a going to be a very long day without a break (I am teaching from 10:00am to 9:30pm), I went to the pharmacy and the supermarket last night. I picked up my refilled prescription with the new dosage, and then went to pick up a salad. Yes, for the first time in memory I did not buy vegetables to make my own salad, rather I bought a pre-packaged salad. My logic was that it is hard to buy just enough lettuce and tomato for a single salad… and seeing as this would be my last day of solid foods, buying a pre-packaged Asian salad was not a terrible option. I was surprised by the cost when I got to the register, but I did pick the one with the fewest calories (it was the first one that I picked up, but I checked them all) so I am not upset with it. At the morning break I will prepare the last piece of chicken, and at 12:35pm I will turn the air fryer on. I will have my chicken and salad, and then I will be done with food for a while.

    I checked my stock, and I have enough of the meal replacement shakes (the original ones from the program, not counting the third-party ones that I have) for six days. That is actually four days of the American shakes and then two days of the Canadian ones. Tomorrow I will finish with my food (and have two meal replacements), and then I should be good until I can drive out to Scarborough on Monday to pick up the new stock. I suppose that will give me the time to prove to myself that I can stay true to the program again… even for a week or two.

    Please remember before you read this next thought process that while I have usually been awake over an hour when I do, I have not had my coffee when I take Princess Sophie out for her walk in the morning. As we were walking down the street, I could not remember what day it was today. I mean, I knew it was Tuesday… I just could not remember if today was my first day on the full program (rather than my modified program), or if I had one day left with a meal. I had a moment of panic, wondering if today was the day that I had to prove to myself that I can actually make it through a day without solid foods. It was only after a couple of minutes that I realized that no, today is not Day 1… rather, it is that in-between transition day, with the salad from the supermarket and a single piece of chicken (rather than two). Okay, I can make it through today.

    Honestly, I have given a lot of thought to the idea of simply cutting the size of my meal down – have a single piece of chicken rather than two. After however long I spend on the intensive program, I will probably do that. Even when I am past this plateau, I want to continue to lose as much weight as I can comfortably lose. If I do not feel deprived eating a single piece of chicken and a salad rather than two, then that is what I am going to do. Today will be a test of that… although despite however well I do on it, tomorrow I begin the intensive meal-replacements-only phase of the program. Again, I do not know how long I will stay with that, but I am hoping for at least a week… and at least until I have shed the remaining pounds to hit both fast-approaching milestones… the 300-pound mark and the 100-pounds-lost mark.

    It is almost as if my body is telling me that it does not want to transition off foods completely. This morning the bathroom scale was once again kind to me, with a drop of nearly one pound. That takes me firmly into best-weight-yet territory! I can imagine my body recoiling in fear, saying ‘No! Do not modify the program! See? It really is working! That plateau? It was just caused by your head, not by me the body!’ While I was thrilled to see that number (and to be within 1.5 lbs. of that next huge milestone), I am not aborting or changing my plans for the next week or two. The intense program starts tomorrow, and the only thing that I will do different from the first time I did the program is that I will be drinking coffee. I am not ready to give that up just yet.

    I have decided to make a wardrobe change this week. Seeing as my tailored shirts and jackets now fit, I have started wearing a shirt and tie (and often a sports jacket) to teach. Yesterday was my first time, and it feels good. I truly feel more professional when I am dressed up. Maybe looking good will hide the sadness inside. I don’t know if it will or not, but it will start me down a path to change my image.

    Knowing how busy today would be, I expected to be able to finish and publish this article before class started. Unfortunately, the training centre needed my help trying to resolve an issue that took nearly forty-five minutes… and the class that I taught today had no labs, so I was lecturing all day. We are now an hour into my evening class, and we finally started our first lab of the day, so I was able to finish it up. Tomorrow morning should be a bit more relaxed… in this regard. In the other, knowing that tomorrow will be the first day of no solid foods for a bit, it will be a bit stressful. Knowing that in the evening I am likely having a conversation that I do not want to have, it will be much more stressful still. There is nothing I can do, my fate awaits… for good or for bad. In the meantime, I am nearing the end of the day of my single-piece-of-chicken day, and while I am hungry, I also know that I am due or overdue for a meal replacement, so I made it. The smaller meal was not so bad. Tomorrow we will see what it is like with no meal.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 346–New Year’s Eve

    I was hoping that when I stepped onto the scale this morning that I would be in Best Weight Yet territory, but it was not to be. There are two ways to look at where I am right now. I could say that I failed; I wanted to lose one hundred pounds in the calendar year 2022, and I did not accomplish that. Or I could say that I succeeded; Anyone who can legitimately claim a ninety-pound weight loss in a calendar year cannot be a failure. Don’t get me wrong… I know now that I have three weeks to get to the hundred-pound milestone in my complete year on the program, and I have every intention of making good on that.

    These last two months have been replete with stresses and anxieties that have hampered my success. Aside from all of the emotional issues – an extreme hit to my career, the physical separation from my wife – there was also an injury scare (which turned out to be a gout flareup in my right knee), and a soft diagnosis of Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. While both of these are manageable with medications, the realization of just what ADHD does, and how it has impacted me so many times (and never in a good way) over the entire course of my life… that has been hard. I am happy that I am now on track to improve (I am now in my second week of the meds for that), but thinking back to how much it has held me back – the professional setbacks (including this latest one), the friends and loved ones I have hurt or pushed away, the missed opportunities in every aspect of my life – the negative affects of the undiagnosed condition can be attributed to so many things that I have done or not done over the last forty years. All of that has been a real psychological blow, and one that I know has driven me to distraction and despair these last few weeks since the realizations began.

    I have heard many times that when you come to a terrible realization such as this, you can spend a certain amount of time mourning or in despair or whatever, but then it is time to move past it and focus on making things better. I cannot build a time machine and start over. What I can do is figure out how to move ahead now that I am being helped by the medicine. It is only a coincidence that tomorrow is the start of the new year, and a perfect demarcation point to start new things. That includes my diet; tomorrow I will begin to redouble my efforts to lose weight. This plateau will be behind me.

    That is not to say that I plan to cheat today; I am going to Lyle and Dorothy’s house for lunch, and they are making a turkey noodle soup. Knowing Lyle and his recent health scare, it will be very healthy. This evening I will go visit Eduardo for a couple of hours. He was extremely sad that he was going to spend New Year’s Eve all alone, so I will spend a couple of hours smoking cigars with him. Several times he tried to convince me to go for dinner with him, but I stood firm. I am not going out to eat. I will have my turkey soup for lunch, and if I need another meal then I will prepare it for myself. That way I know exactly what it is that I am preparing, and how healthy it is. I should be home by 10:30pm and hope to have a video chat with Leslie… and yes, I will enjoy a cigar on the balcony to ring in 2023.

    Tomorrow is New Year’s Day, and I can only imagine that the gym will be packed with people who made New Year’s resolutions. No matter, I will try to get in for a couple of hours after lunch. I have sufficient stock of chicken and vegetables so that I do not have to go shopping until Monday; I also have my new meal replacement bars which arrived yesterday. They are tasty and satisfying, and even my personal trainer recommends them. In other words, I will not be drawn to cheat because I have everything I need to not cheat. Really, that is what I need to keep reminding myself. I have the tools, so use them!

    I was thinking yesterday about the first time I started on the medically supervised meal replacement program in 2017. The day before I started, my housekeeper was working in my apartment, and I told her to remove every stitch of food from my refrigerator, freezer, and pantries. There was no option o cheat without leaving the house and buying something, which I did not do. The twelve-week program was a resounding short-term success. Of course, we know now that it was a long-term failure, because I gained all of the weight back. I have discussed in this journal many times how I feel that my hybrid program which allows for one proper meal per day has a better chance for long-term success. I have to remember that may be true, but that also means that I have to have food in the house, which means that I am bound to be tempted. Yes, I have cheated plenty this year. Not only have I had food at home (and sometimes the wrong foods), I have also gone to plenty of restaurants. I take my son (the younger) for dinner or breakfast or lunch every couple of weeks, but I have also gone out with Leslie and with friends in that time. While these outings may have hampered my short-term success, I think they have actually helped my prospects for long-term success. I have eaten out… but when I go to a restaurant, I consider the foods I choose more carefully. Whenever possible, I look at the nutritional values of the menu items. That is something I never really did before.

    Thinking back, I suspect that this is the year that I have sat alone in restaurants the least. That is something I have a long history of. While some people consider it a stigma, I have always enjoyed sitting in a restaurant alone, either reading a book, watching TV on my tablet, or just watching people. I remember doing that as far back as the Army (where my wife would not be surprised to learn that I had ‘collected’ a waitress at Planet Hollywood in Tel Aviv). In 2022, I have eaten at restaurants alone… but mostly when I was traveling, mostly to Montreal. With that said, I have probably cooked for myself more meals this year than any previous year of my life… including the years when I was dirt poor and should not have been wasting money on restaurants. That is a huge triumph. I have to remember one of the few lessons from my mother that rings true – eating at home is always healthier than eating out… and is almost always cheaper. Long after I have lost all of my weight, when I am finally at my goal body size, I will have to remember this. It is not only healthier but much cheaper to shop and cook than it is to order off a menu. (Of course, I still eat most of my meals alone, and I almost always do so with a book or my tablet. Some things don’t change!)

    This is traditionally the time of year to reflect on things past, and to consider how to make things better going forward. I consider that a terribly unhealthy way of improving. My e-mail signature has the Japanese word Kaizen at the bottom, which means ‘Continuous improvement.’ That means that you can make small improvements and adjustments every day without worrying about having to make huge ones in one giant lump. With that said, by some coincidence of timing I am making a few changes around this time of year. I do not simply mean that I am getting back on track with my diet tomorrow; I joined the gym in November but have not gone steadily. That has to change now, and the fact that three huge excuses are behind me means that I can do it. I added a daily calendar reminder for myself and will follow through. In the second week of 2023 I am starting work for a training company that I think I taught for a couple of times over a decade ago, but they want to have me working more and more this year (and we already have $15,000 worth of contracts signed). There are a couple of other training vendors which I will be working with, but these guys seem to be my best bet. Until I can actually get a job (long story), these contracts are how I earn a living. I love teaching, even though there are some days when I feel like I am done with it. Chances are, that will never really be the case. I started taking my ADHD medications only ten days ago, so that is another huge change around the same time of year… but that coincided with my diagnosis, and its timing relative to the calendar is coincidental.

    One last change that I am glad I was able to get in for 2022… This morning I put on my new Size-40 pants, and they fit comfortably, they do not feel too tight, and I am really pleased by that. I remember too often in the past I would down-shift to a lower pants size too soon, and I would end up with split pants. There is no indication in the fit of these that will be a concern. I have been wearing Size-40 jeans for the last month, so I do not know why I did not think to try this sooner. The fact that Day One of the new size is Day Last of the year is, again, coincidental… but it is one last non-scale victory for the old year.

    Okay, I suppose it is time for me to head on out. Lyle and Dorothy will be waiting for me around 11:30am, and I do not like to be late. I will see if Charlie wants to play with Princess Sophie, because I know that she will not want to come with me because of the weather. I have a bottle of wine to bring for them, which I cannot forget. I’ll press ‘Publish’ on this piece, then I will wrap the bottle and head out. The next time we meet, it will be the new year.

    Have a great day folks… and Happy New Year!!

  • Day 345

    For all of my recent trepidation about my stalled plateau, I had a real non-scale victory yesterday. The pair of Size-40 pants that I ordered arrived, and they fit! I was so happy about it! I was on the phone with Leslie when they came in, and I tried them on with her. We were so happy. I am going to order one (or two) more pair, and I have removed the two pair of Size-42 Dockers that I have been wearing and placed them in my ‘ready to donate’ bag.

    In the movie The Hunt for Red October, Captain Marko Ramius (brilliantly if insensitively portrayed by the late great Sean Connery) says: “When he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result, his men were well motivated.” Sometime in 2020 I was at my best weight since I started gaining weight after the Army. I had collected a huge Ikea bag filled with clothes that did not fit me anymore. My plan was always to take them to a donation box and to help clothe the homeless. I never did, and that bag of clothes ended up as my safety net. As I regained all of the weight that I had worked so hard to lose, I did not have to buy new clothes; all I had to do was reach into that bag. I will not do that this time. Eleven months ago (on Day 12 of this journal) I wrote that I had separated all of my clothes that did not fit because they were too small into five bins:

    • XXL Shirts & T-Shirts
    • Pants Sizes 40-42
    • XL Shirts & T-Shirts, Pants Sizes 36-40
    • Suits, etc.…
    • Taekwondo – doboks & non-current belts

    Over the course of these eleven months, I have emptied most of these bins. My XXL shirts fit me and are now mostly too loose on me. My suits and tailored shirts are now hanging in my closet, dry cleaned and pressed; they fit, even if I do not have a lot of opportunity to wear them. I still have a bin filled with XL shirts and t-shirts, many of which do fit or are still a little tight but will fit by the time the warm weather returns. I still have a few pair of Size-36-38 pants that will not fit me for a couple of months.

    I am not going to go through this again. I gained the weight back because of a lot of bad decisions coupled with a lot of hard and traumatic times, but it was easier to do because I had my fat clothes that I could fall back on. I will not make it that easy for myself this time. If I fall off track and find that my ‘slimmer’ clothes do not fit anymore, it will be a financial burden to gain the weight back. Why? I am donating every pair of pants, every shirt that does not fit me. I am not leaving them in a large bag in the corner of my room for that scenario… I am getting rid of them. When Leslie was here in November, we took a few bags to the donation box, and it felt good to be rid of them. Not only am I shedding pounds, but I am also burning my ships. As a result, I will be more motivated to succeed. Just like Cortez did (or at least, as he did according to Captain Marko Ramius). Every time one set of bags is gone, I am ready to start a new one. I did that yesterday… and I ordered another pair of Size-40 pants, which should arrive early next week.

    I had my usual lunch, and then sat on the patio with a cigar, video-chatting with my wife. It is wonderful to be able to talk with her more freely again – when she has her son, it is harder. We have now had two cigars together in as many days, and two long conversations catching up on so many things we have not had the time or freedom to talk about for a fortnight. After that time, I went out to buy groceries, as I at the last of my lettuce for lunch. Supermarkets are always a great place to be tempted and to fall off the wagon, but I think I did pretty well. I did buy challah for tonight, but no other real cheat items.

    The universe tested me at the supermarket! I picked the first grocery cart in line, and in it there were two boxes of chocolate almonds that kids sell to raise money for their cause. I love chocolate almonds! There they were, two sealed boxes. I left them in the cart, thinking about what to do with them. I bought everything that I had planned to buy – chicken, vegetables, challah rolls, and as I mentioned a few days ago, I picked up a box of Corn Flakes breadcrumbs to make my breaded chicken. When I got to the self-checkout, I asked the girl overseeing the area if these boxes might be something they actually do sell in the store. She confirmed that it is not. She was probably in her late teens and was astounded that not only did I find one, but two of them. It was a spur of the moment decision to give her one of the boxes. She was extremely grateful. As I was walking toward the exit, I made the decision. I could lose weight, or I could bring the second box home with me. I found another employee in her late teens and handed them to her, wishing her a happy new year. It was the right thing to do… and it made two kids feel good at the same time.

    I had a good chat with my diet buddy, who is now a month post-surgery, and seems to be on the right track to shed a lot of weight. For the few cheats that she told me about, I reminded her that there are much better reasons to go to Mexico than weight loss surgery; I told her that while her stomach has shrunk, it would not take a lot of effort to stretch it again… and the best way to not let that happen again is to not fall back into the old habits. As one of the ADHD reels I watched yesterday pointed out, I am much better at giving good advice than I am at following it.

    Following our call, I went out onto the balcony for a cigar. Princess Sophie asked to invite her friend Charlie over, and the two of them romped and played for a couple of hours. When he went home, she jumped up onto the chair where her blanket was already laid out for her, and she hardly moved the rest of the evening. In fact, it was the first time that I can remember that when I got up to go into the house (not to get a drink or a cigar, but for the night) and she did not make any move to come inside. I cleaned out the ashtray, I washed my dishes, and when I was ready for bed, she was still there. I finally picked her up, blanket and all, and carried her to the bed. She is really a sweet princess! I was reminded of a childhood memory when we came home late from somewhere, and my father picked me up out of the car and carried me to bed, and I fell right to sleep. I do not have any memories of doing something similar with my own children… although funny enough, the ex-girlfriend in California had a teenaged daughter, and one day her friend’s father rang the doorbell and told us that Hannah was passed out drunk in his car. I picked her up and carried her up the driveway, into the house, up the stairs, and put her into bed. I can assure you that Princess Sophie showed me more gratitude and love just for carrying her in last night than that twat did the entire time I was with her mother.

    My plans for today are simple. After lunch I will go to the gym for my last session with Kezi, which will not only be fun, but it will also be important because I need to remember to stay on track and go to the gym on a regular basis after she and I are done. When I am home from the gym, I will likely sit on the patio with a cigar. It might be raining, but as long as it is not windy, I will be able to stay dry and enjoy it. At the moment the mercury reads 13°, and by the time I am ready balcony it should drop by two degrees… which still makes it unseasonably warm for the Greater Toronto Area for this time of year. In fact, according to the long-range forecast, the next time the temperature is predicted to drop below the freezing point is Tuesday night. I can live with that! At sunset I will light the candles and say my prayers, and then I will once again retire to the balcony. I see no reason to sit inside, when I can comfortably sit outside.

    On the subject of weather, it has been so nice these last two days to not need my heavy winter jacket. Yes, during the day yesterday it was a bit breezy, and I opted to put on my gloves with my spring/fall jacket… but it is still infinitely more comfortable than having to wear my heavy ski jacket. I will ride this weather as long as it lets me!

    I just added a calendar reminder for myself every day to go to the gym. Knowing that most of my currently scheduled classes are in the evening, I have haphazardly added it in for 1-4pm every day. Of course, there will be a lot of days that I cannot go, and there will be a lot of days when I will not go in that time slot. For the second week of the year (January 9-13) I am teaching during the day, so those reminders have been deleted. I am also teaching two nights that week, but I have created reminders for the other days to go. I know it is so cliché to start this at new years, but in fact that is a coincidence, and I really started a couple of months ago… it has just taken me this long to get my shit in order. Hopefully it is.

    My only real cheat yesterday was a small handful of almonds (which were not covered in chocolate) on the drive home from the supermarket. In the evening I realized I was hungry again, and I am completely out of meal replacement bars, so I prepared for myself a meal replacement shake. The new bars that I ordered a couple of days ago are scheduled to arrive tomorrow, which will make my life a little easier. Yes, I enjoy the shakes… but there are times when I would rather chew my calories than to sip them. That is one huge advantage the American plan (on which my modified plan is based) has over the Canadian plan. In Canada, you spend twelve weeks drinking four shakes per day, for 900 calories. In the US, you have five meal replacements per day (for 800 calories), but rather than having the choice of chocolate or vanilla shakes, you can choose soups and meal replacement bars as well. Sometimes I find the bars more satisfying than the shakes. All of that to say that this morning my weight was down once again, and I am less than a pound and a half from my best-weight-yet. It would be a nice end to the year if I could get there by tomorrow, or by New Year’s Day.

    I just now found out that my plans for New Years Eve fell through. Lyle and Dorothy are going to have a quiet and intimate movie night, which actually works in my diet’s benefit because I will not be tempted to make excuses for another cheat night. The weather for tomorrow evening is cooler than today, but by the evening the rains will have stopped. To make up for it, he and I are going to have lunch tomorrow, which will be leftover turkey at his place. This is likely the longest stretch in over a year that I have not seen Lyle, but that will end tomorrow. We have a lot to catch up on!

    Okay, it is time for me to get cracking with my day. Today is Friday December 30th, which means that everything and everyone is allegedly business as usual. Of course, we all know that is not entirely true, but for my needs it is. I cannot think of anything that I have to do that will require the input of anyone who might be taking a half day for the holiday or blowing off work (sorry… calling in sick) to extend their weekend. I have to focus on me… food, gym, cigars, Shabbat.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 341

    It has been a mostly lazy morning in the Garvis household today. After Princess Sophie and I came in from her walk (the last bit of which involved me carrying her because she was favouring a paw), I had my coffee and futzed around on the Internet. Really, there is not much going on. I did finally schedule my last two sessions with my personal trainer for later in the week, which should help me get on track. As I do a quick self-evaluation of my body, the only thing that is bothering me (other than tightness and creaking from being old) is my knee, but that is only when I am lying down. In addition to supplying me with meds for my ADHD, he also told me that based on my recent bloodwork, my uric acid levels are under control. This does not mean that I will not have the occasional gout flareup, but overall, my body is ready to be working out on a regular basis.

    In a few minutes, Princess Sophie and I will get into the car for the nearly two-hour drive to Strathroy to visit with my friends and their children (my godchildren). Somewhere along the way I will have to fill the gas tank… I noticed that while my levels are not low yet, I know that even if I could get there on what I have, I would not be getting back. Fortunately, the price of gas is not quite where it was a couple of months ago. Also, knowing that I now have teaching contracts for the new year (and prospects for more of them), I am less concerned about money than I was a few weeks ago.

    I had a terrible scare today. This morning, as I bundled up to take Her Floofness out, I noticed that my scarf was missing. In my life I have never been so scared that I might have lost a scarf. This scarf is special though. Aside from being gorgeous and warm and comfortable, it was also the first gift that Leslie made for me. Its sentimental value is through the roof. Knowing that HRF needed to go out (and had been very patient with me as I slept in until 9am, and then took my time in the shower), I grabbed my old backup scarf from the closet. I would deal with this potential heartbreak when I got home… which I did. I called Eduardo (whose house I went to last night for a cigar), and he confirmed that I had left it there. Knowing that it is safe and that I can pick it up later in the week, I breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

    Knowing what is coming for dinner, I will take a protein bar with me for the car ride to Cam & Amanda’s. I will not risk snacking along the way – there will be too many cheats this day as it is, and I do not feel the need to pile on to that by buying snacks along the road. I have been planning for this turkey meal for weeks, and I am not going to hork it up.

    I took the plunge last night. I have been thinking about doing it for days, and last night as I sat with Eduardo I decided to do it. I went onto Amazon and ordered a pair of Size 40 khakis. I have a couple of pair of jeans in that size, but I have been wearing the Size 42 khakis for a couple of months, and I have had to pull my belt tight to keep them up. I am hoping that if this new pair does not fit immediately, it will within a week or two. With that said, I am optimistic about the new year and what it has to bring. I have not been on track with regard to my weight loss, but I also have not lost any ground; that itself is a victory. I am not nearly done… but for the time being, I want to be comfortable in my clothes. If (or I suppose when) they fit, I will order another pair (or two), and will be able to donate my current Size-42s to charity, and notch up one more non-scale victory… which I will not do until I know that they fit.

    It is cloudy out, but it is mostly dry, and the high winds that have been exacerbating the recent cold spell have abated. Today’s high is -4°, although that number should be a bit lower where I am going. As long as the driving conditions are okay, I won’t mind. Princess Sophie will get to try her new car-harness, which would keep her safer in the event of an accident, but will also make for less distracted driving, as I will not have to focus on where she is at all times.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 316

    I am just in from walking Princess Sophie. If there is one thing we can count on in Canada it is that sometime around December 1st we are going to truly notice that it is winter. I was listening to CBC Radio, and they were talking about the blustery weather in downtown Toronto. I would not classify the weather here in Burlington as blustery, but it is certainly cold and windy. While I doubt that this is quite what Shakespeare was talking about, now truly is the winter of our discontent… unless you happen to like cold and blustery weather.

    The weather turned on a dime yesterday. When I took Her Floofness for her morning walk, it was hovering around 9° Celsius. When I left Eduardo’s apartment after the second football match, it was hovering around the freezing point, with gusting winds and a bit of snow. When I came home, I prepared my meal, and had been pretty good on my program to that point. Later in the evening, I took Princess Sophie for another walk, and it was cold and windy; it was the sort of weather that gets into your bones, and I just could not warm up when we came home. I decided to warm up some of my homemade chicken soup. A couple of bowls later, my insides were nice and warm.

    CBC Radio did a segment this morning about scarves. They sent a correspondent out to ask people about their scarves, and even invited listeners to call in to discuss their heartwarming scarf stories. A year ago I would have laughed at the idea. As they talked to passers by about theirs, I thought of the scarf that I was wearing. It was knit for me with love by the woman who I would later marry, but at the time we were dating. It is not only warm and long and gorgeous, I feel especially warm when wearing it because of the love that went into it. While the broadcaster discussed people having a variety of scarves in their wardrobe for different occasions, I thought of the two that I have. The first I bought in Nara, Japan. While it is made of silk and very pretty, it has not made an appearance around my neck since Leslie gave me the scarf she made for me. I love it and cherish it. I should also mention that it is sized perfectly, because even though I am nearly ninety pounds slimmer than when she gave it to me, it still fits!

    Speaking of weight loss: my weight once again dipped below the 310-pound mark today. I am going to do much the same today as I did yesterday, and hopefully I will drop another pound tomorrow morning. We’ll see. In the meantime, I am going to head to Eduardo’s. He is going to try to feed me (as he did yesterday). I am going to politely but persistently refuse. As long as I can smoke my cigars, I am happy. I also have a couple of meal replacement shakes with me… should I get hungry.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 296–Remembrance Day

    On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month the guns fell silent for the last time.

    Not quite.

    This morning I eschewed my regular fedora, deciding instead to wear my military cover. I did not expect anyone to recognize it for what it was, although one fellow dog walker commented that it was an interesting hat. As she often does, Princess Sophie decided to stop and play with Davey as the kids waited for their school bus. One kid (maybe nine or ten years old) said ‘That one minute of silence… it feels like ten hours!’ I wanted to tell him about my friends, boys really not that much older than him, who were silenced forever. I wanted to tell him how ten hours of constant explosions can feel like a minute… and an eternity.

    Last night I folded my laundry and had a bittersweet moment. Knowing that tomorrow will be the last day with a forecast high of double digits for several months, I separated my golf shirts (which are the main component of my summer wardrobe) from my long sleeve shirts and put them into a drawer. Among those that went away for the season are several that I will likely never wear again, having shrunk out of them. I have been wearing mostly XXL shirts for the few months, but there were (until last night) two 3XL shirts in my rotation: a purple one that I always loved, and a pink one that has always been Leslie’s favourite. Come spring, most of the shirts that I put away last night will likely be given to charity. The purple one will go for sure. Leslie will not let me get rid of that pink shirt, no matter what. As strange as this might sound for a golf shirt, I might try to get it tailored down to size. We’ll see. Maybe it will just live in my drawer forever, or when I finally move to Dallas, hanging in our closet.

    It feels really good to be shrinking out of my clothes. I am really looking forward to the day when even the custom-tailored suits that I have been waiting for be able to wear, which were bought when I was at my lowest weight of the last twenty-five years, no longer fit and have to be either put away or given to charity. Even though when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see a morbidly obese reflection of myself, both the numbers on the scale and the fit of my clothes are good indicators of the tremendous progress I have made. The reflection looking back at me? That is a morphing of the road I have ahead, and the psychological damage of a kid who would never be good enough.

    I did my first full workout with Kezi yesterday, and yes, I did all of the warmups before starting. Today is our next workout, and I will once again do all of my warmups. I promise. I swear. Prior to the workout, I decided to pick up a handful of dried apricots, which gave me the carbohydrates to fuel the workout. Honestly, I do not know if the carbs work or not, but I ate them, I enjoyed them, and I will do the same today. As it was, I was feeling a bit dizzy and light-headed during the workout, which is most likely due to my low blood pressure. I do not want to make it worse by not having the fuel to keep me going.

    One thing I asked Kezi to adjust going forward. The workout that we did yesterday was mostly with free weights. I told her that if we would be working out together long term that would be fine, I feel that for my program to be sustainable for the long term, we should focus on the machines. We have five more workouts together, and the reason I paid for the package was because I want to know the best way to work out alone. I think the machines are a much smarter way for me to go than trying to remember every workout with free weights, especially knowing that I don’t know if my form is right or not. She told me she understands and will adjust her plans for us accordingly. I am looking forward to seeing how that plays out today.

    The only cheat on my program yesterday was the dozen dried apricots, and the numbers on the scale reflected that. My bathroom scale this morning read 303.0 lbs. which puts me back into the best-weight-ever territory (by only 0.2 lb.) . After my workout yesterday, the needle on the scale at the club read 299 lbs., making it the first time I have registered under 300 pounds since February 17, 2021. Of course, the post-workout weigh-in may feel good, but it is meaningless for me. The only weigh-ins that count are my morning weigh-ins, and the only ones that I actually register in this journal consistently are the semi-weekly weigh-ins at my doctor’s office. The next one of those is on Wednesday, November 23. I hope by then to drop from 139kg to 136kg… 299.8 lbs., with my clothes on.

    If 2022 will truly be the year I lose 50kg, then as of my last weigh-in I am still 10kg (about 22 lbs.) from that goal, and I have less than two months to achieve it. The 100 lbs. loss is certainly achievable, as I am only about 8 lbs. shy of that number. Losing eight pounds in seven weeks is absolutely achievable. Losing 22 lbs. in the same seven weeks? I am going to try my best, but I will not be terribly upset if I fall slightly shy of that number. If I do, then I will settle for losing fifty kilograms in 365 days, which gives me until January 20 to do it. I am still going to try to get there by December 31 though!

    I do not know why I agreed to an 11am workout on Remembrance Day, but I did. We will have to start a couple of minutes late, as I will observe my minutes of silence. I do not expect those around me to, but it would be nice if they did. I know that my wife is thinking about me today. She has already told me that she is thinking about me and my service this morning. I have not responded, but I will call her right now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 295

    My weight seems to be back on track today. While I am still 1lb above my best weight from a few days ago, I am a full 3 lbs. down from yesterday’s disgusting reading.

    The thing is, I stepped onto the analog scale at the gym yesterday, which is probably more accurate than the one I have at home. I did weigh myself after my workout, which can be deceptive, but the needle was straddling the 300 lbs. line. I would be extremely happy if that was the accurate reading; with that said, I have been trusting my bathroom scale at home for nearly 300 days of weight loss, and however inaccurate it might be, it is a mostly consistent inaccurate.

    I went to the gym yesterday, splitting my time between the treadmill and the elliptical trainer. While I know how long I was on the two machines (slightly under an hour), I do not have accurate measures of my distance or pace. Had I written down what registered on the machines I would have that information; unfortunately, based on my redundant fitness trackers (fitness watch, smartphone app) I have nothing other than the times. I have to remember going forward that when I am holding on to the handles of the machine (which it likes to prod you to do for heart rate monitoring) it is impossible for those devices to detect footfalls… or if not impossible, then at least highly inaccurate. With the elliptical trainer, you do not have a choice. On the treadmill, I do. I’ll remember that from now on.

    This afternoon I am working out with my personal trainer for the first time in five years. While I did work out with a personal trainer when I was living in Ottawa in 2018, I always preferred working with Kezi, who I worked with for a few years when I was previously living in Burlington. We had our first session together on Tuesday, but that was just for her to see where I was at, what my goals and expectations are, and to weigh me. Today is when the real workouts begin. She did give me a series of eight warm-up exercises that she wants me to do prior to our session. Stretching and warming up has always been my Achilles heel. I know that they are important and will go into the gym today 30 minutes early to get that done. I know that I am not a young man anymore, and the chance of injury is higher than it once was. I promise to do the stretches!

    Last night when I came in from the balcony, I decided to crack open the clothes-that-do-not-fit-yet bins. We did not go deep into the short sleeve shirts because it will not be t-shirt weather for a while now, but I did pull out three long-sleeved t-shirts that fit just fine… and which definitely did not fit when I packed them into the bins. To my slight disappointment, there were no Size 40 pants. This is because when I was losing weight last time, I ordered a few pair from Amazon, but slid down to the Size 38 so quick that I was able to return those and exchange them for the smaller size. I do have two bags marked Sizes 38/36, which I know will take me a while to open. In the meantime, in a few weeks I will likely be buying a couple of pair of Size 40 pants (my 30” inseam should not have changed).

    The number of clothes-that-do-not-fit-yet bins has shrunk from five to two or one, depending on how we classify the Taekwondo bin (much of which did not fit, but would fit now). I was able to amalgamate a couple last night and eliminate one more this morning. I had one that was suits; one suit is still going to be tight, and the sports jacket does not fit… yet; they are close enough that they can be taken to the dry cleaners and then hang in my closet. There are two suit jackets that are too big, and they are going into the ‘donate now’ bin today. Even if they did fit, I am not sure I still have the matching pants. Nevertheless, dropping from five do-not-fit bins to two is a huge sign of amazing progress, especially on days when I look at myself and still see a fat man.

    Today is going to be another gorgeous day in Burlington, Ontario… one of the last ones of the season, it would seem. While both tomorrow and Saturday have forecast highs of 14°/13° Celsius respectively, tomorrow has an 80% chance of rain, and Saturday will be cloudy all day. With a forecast high of 18° today with sun all day, it will be my last day to sit outside comfortably. I will do just that. I will see if Eduardo wants to come over again, knowing that he would have to come earlier and leave by 4:00pm, so that I can get to the gym for my torture session with Kezi!

    I am making one minor adjustment to my nutrition regimen today. Prior to my workouts, I am going to stop and pick up a handful of dried fruit – usually apricots, but that can change at a whim – to get some carbohydrates before I hit the gym. Walking is one thing, if I am going to be doing anaerobic muscle-building exercises, I should have some carbs in my system for fuel. Aside from that, I will try to not cheat today. I will have my usual lunch, and then I will have a cigar on the balcony… whether Eduardo comes over or not.

    My diet buddy is on her way home. She checked out of the hospital yesterday and crossed the border into the USA. Today she and her partner will be flying across the continent, arriving home sometime this evening I would imagine. We knew in advance that we would not be checking in today, although she has been sending me progress reports, so I know she is okay. I look forward to chatting with her again next week. How cool would it be if by then I drop below the 300-pound mark!?

    Have a great day folks!