Losing a part of me

Category: Food

  • Day 864

    I was not impressed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning to find that I had actually gained weight… and not just an ounce, but 1.2 lbs.! Grrr. This is going to happen sometimes, but I did not expect it to happen so early in my program. Had I fallen off track yesterday then I would have felt that it was at least warranted, but I did not. I did change the program a little, but not badly… and certainly not ‘gain over a pound in a day’ badly!

    Firstly, my change to the program: I had my morning and midday meal replacements at around the normal times. I came in from walking Her Royal Floofness at 9:30am and had Shake #1, and then at around 1:30pm I had Shake #2. Eduardo came over for a cigar at 2:00pm, and when he left, I went out for a jog/walk (at 3:30pm). When I came back, I had a shower and then instead of a shake, I had a protein bar. I was still very hungry, so I decided to go to the store to buy almonds. I bought 90g of unsalted almonds, and that was the extent of my cheat. I drank my final shake of the evening after a cigar – around 9:00pm.

    <Warning> The following paragraph contains a tasteless joke that may be considered offensive by some readers.

    Yes, I went over my 900 calories by about 500 calories, but I was still under 1500 calories on the day… and while there is a lot of (healthy) fat in those almonds, the 5g of carbs that I added to my day should not have accounted for this blip. Who knows, maybe it’s my time of the month?

    </Warning>

    I am now 100% convinced that the calibration of my treadmill and fitness watch (with respect to the Treadmill activity) are completely wrong. It was a beautiful day, and I decided to do my first outdoors run/walk. I jogged two kilometres and walked 8.5km. On the basis of what my treadmill measures, that would be roughly 18 minutes of jogging (with the pace set to 4.3mph) and 2 hours of walking (at 3.5mph) … yet I completed the jogging in 14m10s (about 5.25mph), and the walking in 1h16.5m (around 4mph). I did not feel like I was walking or jogging harder on the street than I do on the treadmill. I will have to remember this if I ever do decide to train for a marathon!

    Following my exercise, I took Floof for her walk. We walked our usual turn which took us through the park and the playground. Because we were out at a different time than our norm, where we encountered a different crowd of children with their mothers. There was a group of five mothers speaking Arabic with a Palestinian accent, three of whom were wearing pendants shaped like the entire State of Israel (including Judea, Samaria, and Gaza). It was only five years ago that I discovered that this pendant, in the shape of a map that I have been familiar with since grade school, is their symbol calling for ‘From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free.’ Normally I would not warrant a second glance from any of them, but it so happens that I was wearing an IDF t-shirt (I was fresh from my exercise and had not yet changed when we went out), and so the group of them stopped talking, and glared at me with a hatred in their eyes that I seldom feel in Canada. We did not stop or even slow our pace. A few blocks out of the park, we encountered an SUV flying a large Palestinian flag. They were stopped at a stop sign, and we were stopped because Princess was sniffing around. They stopped for longer than they needed to, the eyes of the driver and passenger glaring at me. I smiled and pointed at the logo on my chest. I had never realized how many Palestinians live within a six-block radius of me. I will be paying closer attention. I will not stop wearing my t-shirts (when I jog) and my pins… but I will be more cognizant of those watching me. It is sad that in Canada I have to be aware of these things… but that has always been the lot of my people.

    I have been having trouble with the program I am on… as is demonstrated by the fact that I have had to supplement it with almonds almost every day of it. Combine that with my activity (which has been exceedingly high these last ten days) and I find my body completely out of energy in the afternoons and evenings. Because of this I told Leslie that I am thinking about transitioning back to what I used to call my partial program – breakfast and lunch, and then two shakes in the afternoon and evening. She recommended that I wait either until I hit the 270 lbs. mark (from which I am now more than a pound farther than I was yesterday), or until at least next Wednesday (when she picks up her son, and so goes off the program). I thanked her for her encouragement… without it, I would have gone shopping this morning. As it is, I am still thinking about it. It is 11:00am – I had my first meal replacement less than two hours ago, and I am already hungry and light-headed. I will not make any decisions yet… but if I am feeling this way still after my second meal replacement then I am seriously going to consider it. I have a very long week of teaching ahead of me, and I cannot afford to faint on camera.

    It has been rainy all morning, although that is set to abate by 1:00pm. I have not decided what I am going to do about exercising today… with my goal-streak at 13 days, and knowing there is no way to extend it beyond 14 days, I can either push myself to hit the 16,400 steps my watch is challenging me to hit today, or I can take it easy and rest my body (which I have overtaxed these last ten days). I have a number of decisions to make today. I will not rush into any of them.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 852

    I woke up this morning thinking that if today was to be my last day of eating before I reembark on my extreme diet program with Leslie tomorrow, then I might consider going a bit extravagant… rather than the same old chicken that I would prepare in the air fryer. Those thoughts came to an abrupt end when I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw the horrible number. 291 lbs..

    I had my usual breakfast, and then I took a coffee and a cigar onto the balcony to enjoy while chatting with my wife. We are both starting that program, and we are both a little nervous about how difficult it will be to get started. A little later on a friend came over and we chatted about a number of topics, including mental health. Despite us all having different problems, it is nice to be able to talk to someone who will understand.

    I went shopping, and it was much easier than normal… seeing as I am not going to be eating store-bought foods for a few weeks. I bought a chicken and a roll that I will eat today, and that’s it. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and prepare my first meal-replacement shake in over half a year. It is scary. It is exciting. Knowing that Leslie and I are doing it together will make it easier.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 851

    I have missed a couple of days blogging, and have not been too happy with myself. My weight yesterday morning was 289.2 lbs., a very short step to that dreaded 290 lbs. mark which I have been trying to stay away from. This morning I actually hit that mark for a minute… which is to say that after returning from my walk with Her Floofness I was preparing breakfast and felt the need to move my bowels, which is something I have not been very successful at these last few days. I finally had a good poop, and because I had not eaten yet I decided to reweigh myself. My weigh-in at 8:45am this morning had me significantly down from that, and from yesterday’s weight. Phew!

    Leslie and I decided a few days ago that when her son goes back to his father’s house for a few weeks that we will do the extreme program together for that time, and it begins on Wednesday. I have enough eggs for tomorrow morning’s breakfast, and I will shop today for tomorrow only. I miscalculated on my shopping only because I realized only this morning that today is a holiday and that the grocery stores are closed. The only food I have in the house is a couple of meatless burgers, so that will be my lunch with a salad. I will go out for dinner, but I will eat carefully. While it could be considered a ‘last splurge’ meal, I am not going to go nuts with it. Maybe I will pick up a shawarma plate or something. I will figure that out later today… but not too late, as I am teaching this evening and do not want to have my meal after 9:00pm.

    The past few days have been interesting. I wrote on Friday that my son the elder came over for a dram and a cigar, which was exciting as I had not seen or heard from him since October 11. We had a nice chat, and I invited him to come with me to the suits and tuxedo sale that my lodge was holding Saturday morning. He met me here at 7:30am and we drove down to Grimsby, where we both picked out a tuxedo. He was disappointed that they did not have a better selection of regular suits, but was nevertheless pleased with his new formal wear… as was I. We pulled into my parking lot shortly after 9:00am, and he was able to get to work on time for his shift… which had been my major concern.

    In the early afternoon on Saturday I tried on all of my new duds, and was extremely upset that the pants that I had selected did not fit. I ended up going back in the afternoon, at which point I not only got a pair that did fit, but also got a tails, and at the urging of a couple of the brothers I also picked out a couple more vests, cummerbunds, and bow ties.Now if I can only lose the weight to fit back into the smaller pants then I will be happy with myself.

    Following that, I went to a cigar and barbecue event at a friend’s house down that way. This particular friend hosts events on a regular basis and has been inviting me down for seven years, but this was my first time attending. It was a lot of fun, but I could not eat any of the barbecue because it was all pork products. I did snack, which I should not have. After one cigar I went home and prepared a proper meal for myself.

    Sunday was a strange day. I had very little energy, and although I had planned on going shopping for groceries, I kept putting it off. Around 5:00pm, after eating an early dinner, I lay down for a nap. I had a weird series of dreams that mostly involved my tossing and turning in bed trying unsuccessfully to nap, trying to get to a class that I was teaching and did not want to be late for, and dropping off my dry cleaning while alternately being hindered from doing so by the casts of Seinfeld and Friends… not the actors mind you, the actual characters who were doing their best to make sitcom bits of the dry cleaning experience. I found none of it funny, and when I woke up I was not at all rested, and it was too late to go to the supermarket. I was concerned by three things: one, I was as unrested after a long nap as I had been before the nap (you try dreaming about not sleeping well); two, would the supermarkets be open on Monday  which would be Victoria Day (Spoiler alert: They are not); and three, after having had a full meal at 4:30pm, would I need to eat again. I did take a couple of yoghurts, but nothing more.

    Something else that I was concerned about, although not necessarily just then, was that I had not posted either Saturday or Sunday. If I am going to get back to my best weight ever (I am fifty pounds up!) then I have to be on track. My journal is one of the ways that I keep myself accountable to that, even though it has not helped me these last seven months. Getting back on track is extremely important to me, and I am going to do it. Having Leslie doing it with me will make it a bit easier… it is an extremely difficult program, but doing it alone makes it even harder. She and I discussed it this morning and agreed that having each other to keep us company should make it a little easier. I am nervous… but I am going to succeed. I have to. I want to look good in my tuxedo, after all!

    I have a little more energy today than I did yesterday… but not much more. I have work to do so it cannot be the same sort of lazy Sunday as I had yesterday; even though today is a holiday in Canada, I still do most of my work for American companies, and so they have expectations that do not revolve around Queen Victoria’s birthday. Next Monday is Memorial Day in the US, although I still do not know if I am teaching that night or not. I sent an email just now asking for confirmation, although I have to assume that I am. I will also work during the day, as I am now on a writing project that will require no interaction with anyone else.

    I have changed my mind. After I finish writing this entry I am going to run out to pick up food. I am going to check in on the other supermarket to see if they are open, although I dout that they will be. I will pick up my restaurant meal for lunch, and will have the veggie burgers and a salad for dinner. It makes more sense to eat the heavier meal earlier in the day. After lunch I will probably rearrange my office because I am working on a project that will require me to be recorded for the end result, and we (the recording team and I) agreed that having my very busy apartment as a backdrop might work for live classes, but would not work for a proper and professional recording. I will take Princess Sophie to the neighbour’s so that she is not here while I am moving furniture around.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 846

    After nearly a week of it, my weight is finally back down under 285 lbs. this morning. I was not worried by what I ate yesterday, but I confess I was a little concerned because of the huge (and marbled (read: fatty) steak that Lyle brought over and prepared for our dinner. It was delicious, and seeing my weight drop a full 2.4 lbs. on the bathroom scale made me glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did… not to mention the fabulous dram of whisky that we enjoyed with our post-steak cigars.

    I suspect that one of the contributing factors both to yesterday’s weight gain and this morning’s severe weight drop is the extremely successful voiding of my bowels yesterday after lunch. I had not exactly been backed up the last few days, but maybe I had not been going as well as I might have. That ended yesterday. My stomach was still unsettled for a few hours, but I felt five pounds lighter.

    Today is another day of teaching from 10am to 10pm, and I am going to get through it without a problem. My student during the daytime class (yes, I have one single student) is a great guy and we are having a good time going through the material that he really wants to learn at his pace, which makes my life a bit easier. I still will not have the time to go shopping today, which means that the only ‘cheat’ that I have in the house is an apple… so if I do feel a bit peckish in the afternoon then I will eat one. I have a half of a chicken that I’ve already cooked which I will eat for lunch, and for dinner I will probably enjoy a couple of meatless burgers. Both will be accompanied by a salad, although I might cheat and air fry some frozen French fries with the burger. We’ll see.

    It seems to be a lovely if windy day out, and I am going to try to run out to the grocery store at a certain point to get milk and chicken for tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last daytime class of the week, and tomorrow evening I am not teaching, so I can go to the store and take my time. For now, I need the provisions to get through tomorrow end of workday, and I need to be back as quickly as possible. If the stores around here were open until 10:00pm I’d be able to go after class, but they are not… and I am teaching until 9:00pm.

    One more thing that I need to do: I need to reach out to my diet buddy and to get back on track with our check-in calls. We have both dropped that ball… it is time to pick it up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 844

    After two terrible days in which I was up a disgusting 5.4 lbs., it was small relief to see another drop on the bathroom scale this morning; even so, I am only down three pounds in the last two days, so I am still net up from Thursday morning, and still over that dreaded 285 mark. It is some comfort to know that while I flirted with it, I did not actually hit the 290 mark. I know that this has all been my fault, and all because of some terrible decisions that I and I alone made. My emotional state be damned, I cannot falter like this. Saturday morning I had gained fifty pounds from my best weight in October, and my clothes do not fit me properly. I have to get back on track.

    I went shopping yesterday and followed the plan. I purchased chicken, eggs, vegetables, and cleaning products. The only cheat item was yoghurt, which I am fairly certain has aided my morning bowel movements. If I can limit them to two per day then I should be fine. If I cannot then I deserve to be a fat slob.

    Last night I lit three candles for Yom HaZikaron – Israel’s Remembrance Day for our fallen soldiers and victims of terror attacks. I wrote the following and posted it on Facebook and LinkedIn:

    Some gave all; all gave some.

    In memory of my brothers from my Army days, both those who made it… and those who did not. Every year on Yom HaZikaron I light the best cigar in my humidor and I lift a dram to their memory and to their honour. I always say that Remembrance Day is not for soldiers to remember… we remember every day of our lives; Remembrance Day is a day for those who did not serve to reflect on what we gave for our countries, and to remember those who did not make it back… or who came back injured, dismembered, disfigured, or with mental trauma from which they might never recover.

    Every year I light a yahrtzeit candle for our fallen brothers. This year I lit one more for those who were massacred on October 7, and for the ones who have fallen in our efforts to retrieve our hostages and to destroy Hamas. I lit a third candle, but not a yartzeit candle, to show the world that all of our remaining hostages are in our minds and in our hearts every day; if every Jew and friend of a Jew or of the Jewish people were to do the same, maybe together we could make a light so bright that the hostages will see that light.

    The full name of the day in Hebrew is יוֹם הזִּכָּרוֹן לְחַלְלֵי מַעַרְכוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל וּלְנִפְגְעֵי פְּעֻלּוֹת הָאֵיבָה‎, or Yom HaZikaron le’chalilei ma’arechot yisrael ve’l’nifge’ei peulot ha’Eiva… or in English: ‘Memorial Day for the Fallen Soldiers of the Wars of Israel and Victims of Actions of Terrorism.’ This year, more than ever, we have all felt the effects of terrorism and war… and the hatred and lies that our enemies spread about us around the world. This year, more than ever, it is important to remember what we as Israelis – and by extension every Jew in the world – live with. It is also equally important to remember that we will continue to survive… and to remember our fallen.

    I stand with Israel. The nation of Israel is alive. We always have been… and we always will be.

    I sat on my balcony smoking my cigar and remembering my friends… and the others. I did not eat and I only drank a cup of tea, which I consider a small victory.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 843

    I forgot to post yesterday. I just had one of those days when I vegged all day and did not do much of anything. If I had posted, then I would have written that I was extremely upset with myself because I bought four rolls on Friday and ended up eating all of them. It was no surprise that my weight was up yesterday morning to my highest weight since January of 2023. I weighed 289.2, and it was small wonder that my weight stayed below 290 lbs. I kicked myself, and then I ate properly yesterday. I dropped two pounds this morning, and will continue to eat properly.

    I have to go to the store today because I have an extremely busy week ahead, which was not supposed to be the case. Friday afternoon I was given a daytime class to teach this week, which means that with my evening classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will be teaching tomorrow and Wednesday from 10am to 9pm. Long days indeed. I have enough food for today, but as I will likely not have the time to go to the supermarket tomorrow I will be doing my grocery shopping today. I will bypassing the bakery for sure, and will only be buying chicken, vegetables, and eggs… along with some cleaning supplies that I need. I have been saying all along that I need to get back on track, and that means getting my mindset back into it. Mindfulness and focus and resolve have to be my focus. That means that I will not be buying eggrolls or bread or any of the other little cheats that I like to pretend are things that I can only have a reasonable portion of. I will not buy peanuts. There will be no snacking this week. A buddy might be coming over Tuesday evening to barbecue, and he would be bringing steaks and potatoes. If he does, then that will be the only starch that I allow myself this week. I have no Lodge meetings this week so that wouldn’t be an issue (I ate poorly at the dinner Thursday evening as well), so I will not be tempted.

    I hate that my pants are so tight that I have to suck my belly in to close the few pair that actually fit… and that my beautiful jackets mostly do not close. I hate that I have lost my way. The only solution is to get back on track. Fortunately I have the support of my friends and my beautiful wife to fall back on if I feel weak.

    This evening into tomorrow is Yom Hazikaron… Israel’s Remembrance Day. For the first time I will light two candles… one for my friends and brothers, and one for the hostages in Gaza. May they all return home soon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 837

    I was certain that after how I ate yesterday, I would have gained even more weight this morning. Fortunately that was not the case, and I even dropped a pound from yesterday. Today I did not snack much, and I stuck to my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and then a protein bar because I felt like I was not going to make it through the end of my class. Today was my only complete 8am – 9pm day of the week, and I was mostly sitting at my desk. I did walk Her Floofness this morning, and somehow my steps are above 4,000 on the day. In a few minutes my evening class will be over, and I will take her out for another walk.

    I did not sleep well last night. I also did not move my bowels well today. Hopefully both of those will be resolved tonight and tomorrow morning. I also hope that if tomorrow is a nice day that I will be able to go for a nice walk.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 834

    I know I did not eat very well yesterday, what with the snacking and having leftover pizza for dinner, but I had hoped that with my exercise I would have at least lost a couple of ounces. I stepped onto the bathroom scale to see a slight increase. I was not pleased, but I deserve it after the way I have been eating these last few weeks. The fact that I will be returning to Canada under 290 lbs. is a success… I would love to have been under 280, but unless there is a miracle tomorrow that is not going to happen.

    I went for another walk/jog yesterday. The first kilometer I jogged with Duchess, and because of that my pace was nowhere near what it would normally be… but it was still a good jog. I brought her home after a circle of 1km, and then proceeded to walk another 6.25km. I was quite satisfied with that, knowing that I have been out of it for so long. My pace for the last kilometer was much slower than the previous ones, and I am glad that I did not try to extend the path.

    I had my omelette for breakfast today, and for lunch Leslie and I shared the leftovers of chicken and a tiny piece of steak, and the sautéed mushrooms from the other night. I do not know what we will do for dinner, as it will depend on what her son is in the mood for. Whatever it is, I will try to eat carefully.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 833

    I knew that eating pizza for dinner was not going to be a good idea for my diet, but I did it anyways. I did not expect to gain quite as much weight overnight as I did, but it is a small price to pay to make a young boy happy on his first night home with us in a week… and his first night back in his previously usurped bedroom in months. I ate too much, I ate too late, but I did not expect to gain three pounds overnight. I will do better today; in the event that we decide to get something else for dinner that is incompatible with my progress then I will have my leftover steak for my meal as Leslie and her son indulge.

    I can blame my eating as much as I want, but something has to be said for the fact that I barely broke 1,000 steps yesterday. Yes, I worked… but I did not walk the dog, I did not do anything… I do not even remember leaving the house at all, owing to a forgotten lunchtime meeting which saw Leslie run to the grocery store to pick up provisions. I will make sure to take Duchess out for a good walk this afternoon, and hopefully tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me than it was this morning. Tough love hurts.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 832

    I did it! Yesterday after I published my article (and did a few other housekeeping items that I needed to get done) I went out for my walk/jog. I walked the first kilometre, jogged the second, and then walked the rest of the way, totaling just over 6.5km in total. I will call that a win indeed!

    After I showered and cleaned up Leslie and I sat down for our last Passover meal. We had the same salad I’ve been making all along, but instead of the balsamic vinegar and olive oil we decided to substitute an Asian dressing. While we both applaud the concept, I think the dressing we chose was too subtle for what we were looking for. Live and learn, right?

    After lunch we completed some paperwork which was hanging over our heads, and then to celebrate we had a cigar on the balcony. Leslie then went back to work, and I had a number of calls and meetings I had to join as well. I then made a reservation for dinner, and then answered a slew of outstanding emails.

    As I might have mentioned, this trip was a last-minute and sudden one, so I packed a bit haphazardly. Had it occurred to me when I was packing that we would be celebrating our anniversary together then I would have packed a jacket and tie. I am glad that I had a button-down shirt and a bow-tie that I had ordered from Amazon. When Leslie emerged from the room in her gown I was breathless, and felt between my weight gain and my lack of a jacket that I had severely married up. I couldn’t help but thinking that I love being married to the most beautiful and radiant woman in the room… wherever we go.

    We headed to Chamberlain’s for dinner and I had already decided that I was not holding back. While I would not violate the dietary laws of my faith, I was not going to be on a diet this night. We had two cigars for each of us (one for before the meal, and one for after). I ordered a very lovely scotch whisky and Leslie ordered a cocktail, and we enjoyed our cigar with those until the appetizer came. We shared a plate of bison meatballs that were delicious. For our main course Leslie ordered a filet mignon and I ordered the bone-in rib steak, only because I knew that Duchess was being elevated today and that she would really enjoy the bone. For our sides Leslie ordered the mushrooms (probably her favourite vegetable) and I ordered the green beans. Everything was delicious, and for possibly the first time in my life I did not finish my steak, opting to take some of it home. Could I have polished it off? Yes. Would that have been the right thing to do, knowing that I was no longer hungry? I think I did right. Also, I will have the leftovers for lunch, making it a win-win!

    I had told Leslie that, as Passover was officially over, we could order an indulgent dessert. Non need… Kelly (our fabulous waitress) brought over an amazing cake for us to share. If the cake had not been among the most deliciously decadent chocolate cakes I have ever had (and it was) then the presentation would have still been award-worthy. It was gorgeous and it was fabulous… and despite knowing I could easily have taken those last few bites, we left some of it over. As it was I knew that I had sinned against my diet, and I felt that having the willpower to not polish it off showed that I am not just paying lip-service to it.

    Following our post-dinner cigar (a fabulous Davidoff Royal Robusto) we were both ready to head home. I took Duchess out for her walk because Leslie’s ball gown was probably not what you want to be wearing when you are traipsing through the grass and bending down to pick up poop. I came home knowing that we had enjoyed a wonderful second first anniversary.

    My weight was, of course, up this morning. In fact, it was slightly above 280 lbs. again. After last night’s dinner, coupled with two days of not being able to move my bowels, I was neither surprised nor upset. Tomorrow it will be better.  have had the last matzah that I need to eat for another year, and my bowels should go back to normal pretty quick. To that end, after my breakfast this morning I was able to finally have a good movement, and am already feeling a couple of pounds lighter.

    Have a great day folks!