Losing a part of me

Category: Plans

  • Day 343

    No, I did not do well yesterday. I took my son for Greek food, and while I ordered a salad (which had way too much dressing and cheese on it), I also indulged in the pita and tzatziki. Other than that, I also ate too much turkey in the evening. One advantage of not having leftovers on a regular basis is that if I want to eat more than I cook, I have to actively make the decision to cook more. With leftovers, I simply go into the fridge, add more onto my plate, and I am done. Fortunately, the turkey that I brought home from Cam and Amanda’s will be done today, and I will be back to cooking as usual.

    I do not have any great plans for the day today. I do have a session with my personal trainer, which means that I will spend a couple of hours in the gym, including a good workout, followed by 30-60 minutes on the treadmill. After that, I will spend 10 minutes on the hydro-massage table, then 15 minutes in the sauna. All of that should help my body remember the consequences of getting off track, and why I need to get back onto (and stay on) track for the new year.

    I know I need to get back on track, not only with my fitness but with my diet as well. I also know that Saturday is New Years Eve, and I will be visiting with friends who are gourmet chefs. After that day, I am going back on my program… and will be in the gym as much as I can. I know that beginning the second week of January I will be teaching a lot, which is good… but I will still find time for fitness. While work is important, and as a consultant I need to make hey when the sun is shining, I also need to make sure I am healthy. I want to be alive and healthy for years to come… no matter how down I may get sometimes (see posts from 2-3-4 weeks ago).

    As long as the weather cooperates, today should be a good day to sit on the balcony with a cigar. I am just praying that the wind is not too bad because the temperature will be above the freezing point all day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 342

    I completely fell off the wagon yesterday. Am still down a couple of ounces. It is a Boxing Day miracle!

    I pulled the meal replacement bars out of the pantry, because I had planned to eat one on the way to Strathroy, so that I would not be tempted by the spread of finger foods that Cam and Amanda always put out. Pulling them out of the pantry is not the same as taking them with me. You see where this is going, right?

    What saved me was the fact that all of the desserts had dairy, which I cannot eat after meat (or in this case, fowl). While it all looked wonderful, I decided that if I could not be true to my diet, I should at least be true to my religious beliefs. While everyone enjoyed Cool Whip pie and shortbreads and other yummies, I took a handful of cashews and pistachio nuts, which I enjoyed with my after-dinner coffee.

    Today I am taking my son the younger for lunch, and I know what I have to do. I will stay on track today, and lunch will be a salad. If he opts for a restaurant where that is not an option, then I will abstain. I have plenty of leftover turkey that came home with me last night, so I don’t even have to cook. I will prepare a salad to go with it, and that will be that.

    By this afternoon the weather should reach today’s forecast high of -2°, which means that it might be comfortable enough to enjoy a cigar on the balcony. We will see. Cam and Amanda gifted me a bottle of 14-year-old single malt whisky (they always know my size!) but I think I will abstain. I am still in the first week of taking medications that are designed to affect my mind, and I do not think that drinking alcohol is a good idea… at least not until I have seen the doctor after the second week. No, I will stick to coffee and tea, which considering the fact that it will be -2° and I will be sitting outside is probably not a bad idea anyways.

    I have to acknowledge a couple of non-scale victories… or at least, changes in my behaviour this week:

    First of all, as I sit at my desk typing, there is a pile of wrapped presents next to me… along with a large box of dark chocolate Chanukah gelt coins. Some of those coins are for my sons, some for friends who I will see later in the week. The old me – no, that is not right… I have not changed; Had I behaved the way I used to behave, I would have thought to open a bag (or two) of the gelt for a snack. These coins have been in the house since mid-November, but they have been on my desk for a week. I have not taken a single coin.

    Second: I mentioned that I went to visit Eduardo Sunday evening. He had received from his family a fancy package of dried fruits and nuts, which he opened and put out for us to snack on while we enjoyed our cigars. At a certain point we were both done with them, and I decided to put them away. I know myself, and when there are finger foods (especially wonderful things like nuts and dried fruits) easily accessible, it does not matter that I have had enough… I will take more. Putting them away and out of reach (and out of sight) made it easier for me. When Eduardo told me I should take them home, I politely declined. He insisted, telling me that he would not eat them. I told him: ‘My friend, I thank you for your kindness. You know that I am on a diet, and I have a track record for not having great self control around food. If I take them home, I will eat them all in one sitting, as I have nobody watching. If you keep them here, you can offer them to me again the next time I visit, and I will eat some of them… because you are here, and I will be conscious of someone watching me so I will not gorge. That way, they may be here for two or three more visits. If I take them home, they will be finished before I go to sleep tonight.’

    These two acts are things that I would not have done had I not been focusing on awareness. Focus and Awareness are two of my themes that I have called out these last few days as things that I have to work with. Whether the ADHD meds are helping with that or not, I do not know… but I am working on them, which is what I need to do.

    Okay, I am off to the UPS Store. My godson loved the Lego set that I bought him for Christmas. Unfortunately, grandma and grandpa brought him the same set a couple of hours later; I gave him the option (which he took) of my taking it back and ordering him another set. This was done in consultation with his father (who is more obsessed with Lego than any adult I have ever met), so this time it should work out. I find it hilarious that when you return an item on Amazon (Canada) they ask you why you are returning it. Some of the options require you to pay return shipping costs, others do not. If you select an option that requires it, you can go back and select another. Also, I found it weird that they offer you the option to exchange, but the exchange items are from a limited list… none of which had anything to do with the original gift. No matter, the return is in progress, and the new kit will be delivered to Douglas at his home on Thursday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 341

    It has been a mostly lazy morning in the Garvis household today. After Princess Sophie and I came in from her walk (the last bit of which involved me carrying her because she was favouring a paw), I had my coffee and futzed around on the Internet. Really, there is not much going on. I did finally schedule my last two sessions with my personal trainer for later in the week, which should help me get on track. As I do a quick self-evaluation of my body, the only thing that is bothering me (other than tightness and creaking from being old) is my knee, but that is only when I am lying down. In addition to supplying me with meds for my ADHD, he also told me that based on my recent bloodwork, my uric acid levels are under control. This does not mean that I will not have the occasional gout flareup, but overall, my body is ready to be working out on a regular basis.

    In a few minutes, Princess Sophie and I will get into the car for the nearly two-hour drive to Strathroy to visit with my friends and their children (my godchildren). Somewhere along the way I will have to fill the gas tank… I noticed that while my levels are not low yet, I know that even if I could get there on what I have, I would not be getting back. Fortunately, the price of gas is not quite where it was a couple of months ago. Also, knowing that I now have teaching contracts for the new year (and prospects for more of them), I am less concerned about money than I was a few weeks ago.

    I had a terrible scare today. This morning, as I bundled up to take Her Floofness out, I noticed that my scarf was missing. In my life I have never been so scared that I might have lost a scarf. This scarf is special though. Aside from being gorgeous and warm and comfortable, it was also the first gift that Leslie made for me. Its sentimental value is through the roof. Knowing that HRF needed to go out (and had been very patient with me as I slept in until 9am, and then took my time in the shower), I grabbed my old backup scarf from the closet. I would deal with this potential heartbreak when I got home… which I did. I called Eduardo (whose house I went to last night for a cigar), and he confirmed that I had left it there. Knowing that it is safe and that I can pick it up later in the week, I breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

    Knowing what is coming for dinner, I will take a protein bar with me for the car ride to Cam & Amanda’s. I will not risk snacking along the way – there will be too many cheats this day as it is, and I do not feel the need to pile on to that by buying snacks along the road. I have been planning for this turkey meal for weeks, and I am not going to hork it up.

    I took the plunge last night. I have been thinking about doing it for days, and last night as I sat with Eduardo I decided to do it. I went onto Amazon and ordered a pair of Size 40 khakis. I have a couple of pair of jeans in that size, but I have been wearing the Size 42 khakis for a couple of months, and I have had to pull my belt tight to keep them up. I am hoping that if this new pair does not fit immediately, it will within a week or two. With that said, I am optimistic about the new year and what it has to bring. I have not been on track with regard to my weight loss, but I also have not lost any ground; that itself is a victory. I am not nearly done… but for the time being, I want to be comfortable in my clothes. If (or I suppose when) they fit, I will order another pair (or two), and will be able to donate my current Size-42s to charity, and notch up one more non-scale victory… which I will not do until I know that they fit.

    It is cloudy out, but it is mostly dry, and the high winds that have been exacerbating the recent cold spell have abated. Today’s high is -4°, although that number should be a bit lower where I am going. As long as the driving conditions are okay, I won’t mind. Princess Sophie will get to try her new car-harness, which would keep her safer in the event of an accident, but will also make for less distracted driving, as I will not have to focus on where she is at all times.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 338

    I am running late this morning, but it is not because of a lack of focus. In fact, quite the opposite. I have had a very productive morning. The training company that I am starting to work with in January asked me for some of my previous course evaluations, and I had to track them down. Some of them are easy – I have them in my e-mail, and for the Microsoft courses I have delivered there is an online evaluation system called Metrics That Matter which has been in use as long as I have been a trainer. With that said, most of the non-Microsoft courses (the ones that I am currently focusing on) are not as easily accessed, as there is no central collection repository for them. I have found (and shared) what I could, but I have also requested more from the other training centres I have worked with. We’ll see what I get – for a top trainer (which I like to consider myself) it is always nice to see the evaluations that come from the students, many of whom I will stay in touch with long after our week or weeks together are done.

    I did something this morning that I do not remember doing in recent memory. I woke up at 7:30am, got up to use the washroom quickly, and then went back to bed and slept until 9:15am. I do not know if it has anything to do with the new meds that I am on, or if I have simply been tired for a few weeks and knew that I had no obligations this morning, but it was glorious. Princess Sophie, who had been sleeping in her own bed on the floor most of the night, climbed up onto the bed and snuggled in with me, as if to let me know that not only was it okay to not take her out right away, but that it was a really good idea to have a lazy morning.

    After finally getting out of bed and doing my morning washroom rituals, I took a look out the window and knew right away that Princess Sophie would only step foot out the front door is she really needed to go. I usually do not start the coffee pot until we are back from our walk, but this morning I opted to do so before we went out. Sure enough, we got to the front door, she took one look outside, and set her feet firmly on the indoor carpet. She is not a fan of precipitation in any form, and the blowing snow that she saw the second I opened the door was not at all to her taste. We came back upstairs, and we were settled in before the coffee pot was half full. She did ask for a play date with her friend Charlie, and the two of them are currently frolicking around the apartment behind me.

    I had a very productive bowel movement this morning, which is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it means my bowels are purging a lot. It also means that I have eaten more in recent days than I am used to, which is not a good thing, and is something that I will work on starting today. As I mentioned yesterday, because of the forecast weather I am essentially hunkered down inside for the next few days, and there will be little opportunity to cheat – I have enough food to last for nearly a week, but I do not believe I have anything really bad for my diet… unless I decide to defrost the Montreal Bagels that I have in the freezer – which I do not intend to do. No, these next few days should be easier to stay on track.

    Again, I have been distracted while writing this journal entry, but not by Facebook or other nonsense. I had a positive email exchange with the training company and have another contract with them starting in February. Additionally, I received a message from Esti (my father’s partner) and called her back to not only to catch up and to wish her a Happy Channukah, but also to discuss with her a number of issues pertaining to myself, my family, and hers. These may be distractions, but at least one of them was a necessary one (for professional reasons). Income is important, and when a call goes out to trainers, the difference between signing a contract for $11,000 dollars and getting nothing can be a matter of minutes. I think we can all agree that this is a distraction worth being distracted by!

    My psychologist called me yesterday to offer me a regular meeting time beginning in January. I am thrilled by this, but I will have to be careful about scheduling. My classes will conflict with the appointment time, and I will have to remember to schedule meal breaks around that. It is not something I have no experience with, but I will have to remember to look at my schedule carefully when planning courses out. Hopefully with my newfound focus (thanks to the chemical help) I will not forget to do that.

    With a little over a week to go, I think I have given up on my one hundred pounds lost in 2022 plans, but I do still hope I can achieve that goal in the year since starting the program (January 20, 2023). All I have to do is focus. Isn’t that a huge overarching subject of my last few weeks, and especially my hopes to address the ADHD issues? Focus, Focus, FOCUS!

    Because I slept in, I ate my morning meal replacement earlier, which means that I can now start preparing my lunch to eat at 1:00pm, rather than at 11:45am. I hope that will help me to get through the day successfully, without having to worry about adding extra meals (or even meal replacements) throughout the day. These last couple of days I had an extra meal on my plate (and on Wednesday it was actually two extra meals). Today’s only program aberrance will be my Shabbat challah bread.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 337

    I cheated yesterday. Sorry, not sorry.

    It started after my doctor’s appointment. I went shopping and I decided, in addition to my regular chicken, that I would also buy a couple of packages of meatless hamburgers with the wonderful, seeded buns that Leslie and I discovered. By the time I came home, I was extremely hungry – I had eaten my morning meal replacement quite early, and due to several delays, it was way past lunchtime. I prepared one of the buns and two of the burgers. They were delicious! They also did not completely satisfy me, and an hour later I decided to prepare a piece of chicken with salad. With that, I was good… and would have been sated for the evening, had my ex-wife not told me (at 3:00pm) that I was invited to join her and our son for dinner that evening. I had a salad, but it was still a cheat meal.

    I took my first Adderall yesterday after shopping. Since my appointment with the therapist last week, I have been thinking about all of the issues that I have, many of which affect not only me but others around me, that can be attributed to ADHD, and I have been anxiously and eagerly waiting to see my doctor so that I could get a prescription. My doctor is extremely cautious, and insists we start with a low dose. I am hoping that in the next few days I will see tremendous improvements in my focus.

    It was wonderful to see my son (the younger) and to light the candles with him. I felt so bad that I forgot the presents that I bought for him at home (along with the Channukah gelt), but that will only give me another opportunity to see him in the next few days… after the storm. Yes, we are expecting a storm that should begin this evening with rain; as the temperatures drop, the rain will transition to snow. Anyone who has lived in Canada will realize that a bad storm that starts as rain and turns to snow means that the rain that has already fallen turns to ice and makes for extremely dangerous winter conditions. The walking will be bad, but the driving will be terrible and dangerous. The prescribed advice by Environment Canada (as well as basic common sense) is to stay home. The rain is set to start in the evening, so any errands that might be needed should be done earlier in the day. I went shopping yesterday, so there is not a lot that I need… but I will go to Fortino’s to pick up challah rolls for tomorrow’s Shabbat prayers. After that? The only time I need to go outside is to walk Her Royal Floofness; she is quite unimpressed by stormy weather, whether that be a little rain or a giant winter vortex. She will step outside briefly to do her business, but she will be back inside before my step counter reaches 200.

    My only obligation today is a meeting with a company I plan to do some training for in the new year. That consists of familiarizing myself with their LMS (Learning Management System) environment, and then a quick orientation meeting to welcome me to the team. I know… dress professional, speak professional, take attendance, look good so we look good. I am happy to comply! After that, I will head to the store for what little provisions I need. After that? Knowing the storm is coming, I might sit outside under the heater (the calm before the storm) and enjoy a cigar. We’ll see.

    Leslie asked me yesterday afternoon if I was feeling a sudden laser-focus after taking my first meds, and I did not. Truth be told, I was thinking from beginning that the first indicator that I was experiencing any benefits from the medications would be the level of distraction writing this journal entry. So often these last few months I have taken over an hour to write, not because I am slow, but because I am easily distracted. Whether it be email or Facebook or whatever, on days when I do not have appointments it is not uncommon for me to start writing at 9:00am and finish a thousand-word entry three hours later. While I did get pulled away briefly (the training company sent me an email asking for some information), I still think I have gotten through this entry with more focus than usual. I started at 9:10am; it is now 9:40am, and I am ready to wrap it up. Is this because of the meds, or is it because I said to myself that this is what I needed to do in order to show measurable progress? I do not know… but it is one of those, and I suppose that my wanting to show progress and thus making progress is in and of itself progress. To quote an old adage: Fake it until you make it!

    The numbers on the scale this morning were exactly where I expected they would be, knowing how badly I veered from the program yesterday. Today I will do better, and tomorrow’s numbers will reflect that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 334

    I cannot say that I do not deserve for my weight to be up this morning. It is not because of the little Chanukah treats that I enjoyed last night (which were I so tasty!), but because on top of those, I added two bowls of soup and a bowl of popcorn. Let me say it one more time for the cheap seats: CHEATING WILL NOT LEAD TO WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS.

    I originally thought it would be nice to have a steak to celebrate the Argentina victory, but I opted for my usual chicken and salad. Had I stopped there, and not indulged in all of the rest of it, I might be in a better place today. All I can do is try to do better today. I looked at the defrosted chicken soup in the fridge (which I took out of the freezer nearly a week ago) and realized that if I did not eat it soon, it would go bad. At this point I think I should have thrown it out rather than eat it, but I cannot change the past; I can only try to do better going forward.

    I have a lot of studying to do this morning in preparation for a demo teach that I have to do at 1:00pm. After that, my cleaning lady is coming in the afternoon. I have done what needs to be done to prepare for her (laundry so that she can change the bedding, fold, etc…) and will be able to relax once she is here. I have some e-mails to respond to, but once today’s demo teach is done, I will be done for the year. I will do some studying in the next couple of weeks, but aside from a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, my calendar is clear. I will be able to split my time between relaxing, studying, working out, and seeing some friends.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 330

    After another mostly good day on the program yesterday, I was secretly hoping that the bathroom scale would have me back into best-weight-ever territory. I had to settle for a .6 lbs. drop to tie my previous best, which was back over a month ago (November 11). Hopefully I can register another cheat-free day today (I actually did cheat yesterday because I was running late leaving Eduardo’s place and heading to the gym). Yes, that means I worked out (with my personal trainer, as well as a couple of kilometres on the treadmill).

    I am still trying to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022. I said yesterday that when you shoot for the stars, if you fall short then you can still hit the moon. Leaving aside for the moment the myriad other celestial bodies between here and there, I have almost ignored that between where I am now and that one-hundred-pound mark there is another major milestone. Even if I do not achieve that one in 2022, I really want to get below the three hundred pounds mark; I am only three pounds shy of that right now, and I have sixteen days to achieve it. Absent other factors, I might be planning a steak dinner celebration for dropping below that mark. Not this time, folks… not with there being only five pounds between that milestone, and the one-hundred-pounds-lost milestone. I may be refocusing my immediate short-term goals on the 300-pounds, but I am not forgetting that losing one hundred pounds in the calendar year is still an achievable goal… and would be that much harder if I were to indulge. A few weeks ago, I had plenty of leeway to veer from the program and still achieve these two goals. Right now, with just over two weeks left in the calendar year, I have zero room for mistakes.

    With my new mattress in place, I should mention another non-scale victory that I have noticed over the last month or so, and not just today. Even when I was twenty pounds heavier, if I would sit on the end of my bed, it would pop the back of the bed up. With the design of the bedframe, the front wheels (which are a couple of feet behind the front) would act as a fulcrum, and my excessive weight would force the front of the bed down. That is not happening anymore, and I am happy for that. I can now sit on the front to put my socks and shoes on, which might in a small way prevent a recurrence of the damage that necessitated replacing the mattress in the first place. After all, it was not my lying in the middle of the bed that damaged the sides.

    The weather today is horrible. Freezing rain for the morning, then snow… lots of it. I would like to stay home and not even walk outside for a minute, but at the same time I feel my throat is bothering me a little, and knowing that I have to teach this evening, I really should stock up on lozenges. I might bite the bullet and run out to the pharmacy before it gets too bad. As it stands, Princess Sophie has now twice stood in the frame of the front door, looked at the weather, and refused to go outside. Fortunately, her bladder is as strong as her resolve, and has never had an accident yet (when she was not sick). Now the question of the day is simple: To go to the druggist, or to suffer through this evening with no lozenges. Stay tuned.

    Because I was running late yesterday (the traffic from Eduardo’s to the gym was lousy) I did not get to do as much pre-workout warming up/stretching as I would have liked. Fortunately, at my age it is clear that things that I once took for granted can now be considered exercise. These include the getting up from a seated position without using my hands, and the getting into and out of the car stretches. Yes, I am feeling my age these days. The workout yesterday was not painful, but some of the exercises reminded me that I am middle aged, overweight, and out of shape. I am working on all of that… or at least on two out of three. I am not sure what I can do to not be middle aged anymore.

    I have my weekly check-in with my diet buddy this afternoon. The only thing I can say that is better than last week is that my weight is down. My mood and situation have not improved much, and if anything, things are worse now than they were then. I know I should not be so affected by outside factors, but it is hard. I am trying to stay positive, hoping that the current situation is just temporary, and that things will get better. I hope that things will get better. I am praying that things will get better. Most importantly, I am trying to work on bettering myself so that things have a better chance of getting better.

    Okay, I should not put it off any longer, as the driving conditions are not getting any better between now and class time. I’ll venture out, praising my snow tyres the whole time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 329

    As difficult as life is right now, yesterday was a success. I stuck to my eating plan (absolutely no cheating). I worked out with my trainer (which was a bit uncomfortable because I forgot my shorts, which meant I had to work out in my very tight Size 40 jeans). Eduardo threw me a curve when he told me he wanted to watch the football match at a resto-bar, which had me worried. While I briefly considered ordering a bowl of chicken gumbo, the staff was unable to provide me with the nutritional information, so I decided to abstain, and drank coffee all afternoon. Argentina won, so I was extremely happy.

    I came home to a happy puppy (who spent the afternoon at Charlie’s playing) and had a short cigar on the balcony. At about 5:00pm, I came into the apartment, changed my shirt, warmed up my coffee, and started my class. I hope my students feel that it went well. I am confident I am a good instructor, but I am always worried that someone will not like my style. I will ask the students today to let me know if there is anything they want me to change.

    The shirt I changed into is a button-down shirt that I bought fifteen years ago that has a Microsoft Certified Trainer logo on it. I do not think I have worn it in thirteen years and know that for much of that time it did not fit… save for the two brief periods when I had lost weight. I consider being able to comfortably wear a shirt that did not fit be before a non-scale victory, and this week I need to look for those to keep myself on track.

    Yesterday was a very good day for achievements. I worked out, I resisted all temptation at the sports bar, and I stuck to my meal plan religiously. What do I get for that? The opportunity to do it all over again today, except today I’ll be going to Eduardo’s to watch the second semi-final match between France and Morocco. I should be able to resist the temptation to eat whatever he tries to put in front of me, as long as I eat my lunch at home before I go over there. If I do that, then I can get there, light a cigar, and tell him ‘Sorry, I’ve already eaten.’ That is my plan.

    I hope I can follow through. The days left in 2022 are dwindling, and with every cheat, so are my chances of achieving those two milestones that are so close and yet so far: The 300-pound mark, and the 100-pounds-lost mark. There is an old saying: Aim for the stars, and if you miss you can still hit the moon. Would it be so bad to lose only 95 pounds in the calendar year? Maybe not… as long as I can finish off that hundred by the 1-year anniversary of my embarking on the journey.

    I should mention that while I seem despondent for not getting a reward for my weight management success, I did lose a significant amount of weight on the bathroom scale as of this morning. With a three-pound drop from yesterday, I am once again within spitting distance of best-weight-yet territory. I am also back to needing to drop less than four pounds of hitting the 300-pound milestone, and within nine pounds of hitting the 100-pounds-lost milestone. I am beginning to think that all of these might be doable again; I also know that if I do not stay focused and true to my weight management program, I will not be achieving my goals. That is key. Stay focused, stay true. That will be my mantra for the rest of the year.

    While I did stay true to the program yesterday, I will mention that I had my last meal replacement shake much later than I am comfortable with. Following the end of my class, I sat outside and tried to smoke a cigar. I knew exactly how many cups of coffee I drank yesterday, and doubted I would be able to fall asleep quickly, so why not? I selected a cigar that turned out to not be enjoyable, so I put it down after fifteen minutes. I came into the apartment and made that last shake after 10:00pm, which is much later than usual for me. While it seems to have had no effect on my weight loss this morning (it is hard to imagine I would have lost even more weight for skipping it), I did wake up in the morning and was immediately hungry. For as long as I can remember, eating late at night has had that effect on me. It was not a debilitating, must eat now hunger, but it was a noticeable pang as I went through my morning ritual. More than anything, that is why I try to not eat after 8:30pm.

    My plans for the day are simple: I am going to Eduardo’s condo to watch the football, and I do not want to go there hungry. I will prepare and eat my lunch (my only meal of the day) a little earlier than usual so that I know I will be fine for the afternoon. After the match, I have my next (and I think my last) session with my personal trainer at 5:00pm, which means that I will have to skip out from Eduardo’s pretty quickly to get there. Again, if the game goes to extra time, I will have to be mindful of the clock. Getting to the gym a few minutes late might not have the professional implications of arriving to class late, but it is disrespectful, and I try to be on time. Unlike with the Argentina match, if I have to leave early, it will not pain me.

    If I can stay on the path for another few days, there is a good chance that I can get back into best-weight-ever territory by the weekend… and that is being very conservative. Really, I am less than a pound from that, and it is not uncommon for me to lose that in a day or two when I stick to the plan religiously. That is my goal… if I can actually get there in a day or two, then by Monday or Tuesday next week, I might be at the 300-pound milestone, which would give me just under two more weeks to get to that magical 100-pounds lost before New Years goal. As they say, hope is not a strategy. If I stick to my program for both food intake and exercise, then I can do it. If I do not, then I likely will not. I just have to keep going in the right direction and do my best.

    I am still not sleeping as well as I would like. I have things going through my mind that I keep analyzing and over-analyzing and trying to keep them from overwhelming my mind is exhausting. The new mattress is comfortable, but it is not the bedding that is the problem. The problem is my life, and some parts of that are harder to keep controlled than others.

    I am glad to see that my potential for contract work has gone up recently. I have another interview today, and I am hoping it goes well. There are a few contracts that I am still waiting on but should confirm shortly. If they do not, then I will be going into the holiday break with a great deal of uncertainty weighing on my mind. I am hoping that does not happen.

    Okay, it is time to get back into a positive frame of mind so that I can go into that interview and wow them. After that, I will prepare my lunch so that I can then head over to Eduardo’s without worrying about being tempted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 328

    I was good yesterday except I had a bowl of homemade soup in the evening. I do not know what the nutritional values are for my soup, but I know that I did not veer from the program at all aside from that, and I know that I gained weight again. My emotions are killing me these last couple of weeks, so I do not know which way is which.

    My new bed was delivered yesterday. I put fresh sheets on it and climbed gingerly into bed around midnight. I did not expect to sleep well, but that had nothing to do with the bed or bedding. I am dealing with a lot of emotions that I am completely uncomfortable with. Nonetheless, once I was able to get to sleep, I was able to sleep through the night. That might mean six hours of sleep, but that is still better than it might have been. My original intention was to have Princess Sophie sleep on the couch, but last night she could tell that I really did need my emotional support animal, and she insisted. Thank you, Princess Sophie, I needed you last night. Actually, what I needed was not available to me. I wanted to climb into a bottle. I wanted to dive into a plate of disgustingly fattening foods. That I did neither of those is a testimony to my dedication to not giving up.

    My plans for the day have only changed slightly. In a few minutes I will leave for the gym. I will work out (first alone, then with the trainer). After showering, I will come home, take Her Floofness for a walk. Depending on what time it is at that point, I will either make my lunch, or I will head straight out to Eduardo’s to watch the football. If I do that, I will make sure I have a meal replacement with me, as I do not want to cheat. I just do not know that I will have enough time between working out and the start of the match to prepare and eat lunch, but we will see. After the match, I will come straight home so that I can be ready for my class delivery. In a perfect world, I will be online by 5:00pm, but that will depend on a lot of factors. I mentioned yesterday that if the game goes to extra time and then penalties, as hard as it will be, I will have to leave Eduardo’s at 4:30pm at the latest. Yes, my Argentina squad is playing in the semi-finals. Yes, I am extremely invested in that emotionally. No, I am not willing to compromise my professional integrity and reputation for a football match. Go Argentina! Work must still take priority.

    However terrible my weight issues have been, I have to consider it a huge victory that through the emotional turmoil that has been the last couple of weeks I have not slipped. Yes, my weight this morning is still up from yesterday, and I have not made any progress these last two weeks… for someone who is used to emotional eating, the status quo is a huge victory. No, I have not made progress… but I have also not fallen off the wagon (or cliff, as it were).

    A project that I have been working on the last few days is nearly done, and it has to do with letting go of the past. I have been cleaning out my e-mail. It started because I realized that on my phone, when I would search for e-mails through subfolders, I had scores of them that were no longer relevant… former contracts, old jobs, and so on. I have always kept them all within my account so that I could access them whenever I would need to… and in truth, I do search old emails regularly. The benefit of being able to do that on my phone was outweighed by the sheer heaviness of the ten gigabytes of stored messages (including myriad attachments) in my active email account. I did not want to delete them outright; as I mentioned, I do need to find things from the past from time to time. Instead, I created an Archive mailbox, and have been offloading messages and sub-folders into that. I did not realize how complicated that would be, but owing to the sheer volume, it has not been a simple ‘press here, dummy’ operation. The project has allowed me to see a lot of old emails (some dating to my previous marriage). One email from three years ago even reminded me that an uncle asked me to try to find a picture of someone. Three years ago, that ask was impossible. This week, I was able to search through old photo albums (many of which had been in storage in Ottawa at the time of the original ask) to find pictures of a long-deceased aunt, which my uncle had wanted to add to the family archive. Cleaning out my Inbox has been cathartic. I did not exactly throw anything out, but I have been putting it into long-term storage, which I can call up when I really need it… but which will not bog down my day-to-day.

    Okay, I have put off the inevitable long enough. It is time to head to the gym. My knee was hurting in the night, but it was not the gout (which might or might not be gout), rather the familiar pain I have had these last couple of years when I sleep on the wrong side. To make that issue less simple, the correct side is not a constant. Isn’t getting old fun? Anyhow, I have taken my anti-inflammatories this morning, and I do not feel any pain as I prepare to head out. Nonetheless, I do plan to remind my trainer of two things: 1) We have to take it easy because of the knee; and 2) I am going to stretch before my workouts… but it will not be the stretches she recommended. I will follow the KISS principle. As I mentioned yesterday, any stretching routine that requires me to watch YouTube videos each time I go to the gym to remind me of what they are, and which make me concerned I am going to lose my balance and fall and injure myself, is simply not realistic. I do not want to be Mr. Universe; I simply want to be the best me that I can be.

    Have a great day folks!