Losing a part of me

Category: Progress

  • Day 184

    I cannot speak for anyone but myself. I was going to open today’s article with the words ‘Anyone who has ever set out to lose a lot of weight will tell you…’ As I look in the rearview mirror of my life, I remember too many times that I have gotten in trouble for speaking out of turn, for saying ‘All people this’ or ‘All kids that’ or whatever it is. I am trying (against the very nature of every fibre of my being) to be more humble.

    I can tell you that every time that I have set out to lose a lot of weight that milestones are huge. They are the goals we set for ourselves to continue to strive for. Long term goals are great: Hey, I plan to lose 150-pounds. It is the short-term goals – those milestones that are more easily reachable in the incremented short term – that encourage us to keep going.

    I have always looked at the following milestones as the bellwethers of my success. The first is the Decades. When I drop below a multiple of 10, it is an achievement for me. ‘Hey, I dropped from 350.2 lbs to 349.9 lbs!’ That might not seem significant, as it is only a drop of less than half a pound. However, it is the cumulative result of losing the ten pounds it took to get from 360-pounds to below 350-pounds.

    Of course, I also look at how my clothes fit as a bellwether of progress, but it is being able to fit into a shirt or a pair of pants or whatever that previously had not fit that I see as the significant milestones. As an example: a couple of days ago, I wore a tank top on my fitness walk that I had not been able to fit into for two years. Yes, it was tight, and yes, it did not completely cover my belly… but I was able to wear it comfortably. That is a milestone. Over the next few weeks, that shirt will start to grow; first it will cover my belly, then it will stop being so tight. That is definitely a non-scale victory… but it is not a milestone.

    I have several tubs of clothing, along with quite a bit hanging in my closet, that do not currently fit. Most of them are sorted into various sizes, and every so often I pull something out that had not previously fit to see if it does yet. While I have myriad polo shirts and things that I am looking forward to being able to wear again, the next huge clothes goal is to be able to wear the custom-tailored suits and shirts that I had made for me in 2017, when I was at my lowest weight. I was able to wear them for a few months in 2020 again – I wore them to the High Holidays services – but it has been nearly two years since. I am looking forward to wearing them again.

    It will come as no shock that I wrote about milestones this morning because I achieved one. I dropped into a new decade – one that I have not been in since falling from it in April, 2021 – the week my father passed away. It has been fifteen months since my weight registered below 330-pounds, and this morning it did. Of course, owing to the instability of my floors, I am still unsure if that measurement is accurate or not. All I know is that I have been following the plan, and am not suspicious of losing six pounds in five days… at least, not since my dramatic change to my single-meal plan.

    Yesterday was my third straight day of following the new meal plan perfectly. I had three meal replacement shakes (at or about 9am, 6pm, and 10pm), and one very healthy meal when I got back from my walk, probably around 2pm. When I say healthy meal, I mean in both respects: It was protein (chicken) and salad… but I am also aware that I am still eating larger portions than I probably should. Just as I adjusted my regimen this week (shifting from two meals and two shakes to one meal and three shakes), I know that my next step – when I plateau and am not losing weight anymore – will be to reduce the size of that meal. That will be an important step for my long-term success, because I will need to start simply eating less, especially if I want my stomach to shrink and eventually require (and desire) less food.

    So why, you might ask, don’t I just do it now? My simple answer is that you take one step at a time. While there is a school of thought that diving in is better (as most weight loss clinics start you on four meal replacements per day, often dropping you from 2500-3500 calories per day to 900 calories per day from Tuesday to Wednesday), I have done this three times… each time I was extremely successful in the short term, and a complete failure in the long term. So yes, I am doing my progression gradually, and will make the necessary changes as I see fit.

    While I woke up today feeling the aches in my feet, I am still planning on going for a fitness walk. I have a meeting at 11:00am, and after that I am going to look at a map of my neighbourhood and see what paths there are that might be more interesting than the roads I have been walking. It might also help if I plan out a shorter walk, rather than just setting out and realizing when I am two kilometres from home that my tanks are nearly empty.

    For those who are worried, no I will not overdo it, and no, I will not ‘kill myself.’ If I only exercise on the days when nothing hurts, then I will never exercise. If, on the other hand, I accept that aches and pains are part of my struggle, then I will be able to overcome them.

    In the Army we were taught that the difference between a pain and an injury was huge – it was the difference between going on and overcoming obstacles, and getting a bet or a gimel – essentially a day (or two or three) of bed rest, either in the infirmary or at home. Of course, in unit training it also meant dropping out of the unit. In my case, if I was injured, I would stop… but I am not, I am just feeling achy. That is what you get when you are morbidly obese, and are working toward slim and sleek.

    One thing I know, before I set out on my fitness walk, I will be choosing the right shoes. I have several pair of running shoes, and some of them (like the ones I selected yesterday) have hundreds of miles on them, and are no longer suitable for long walks. I am not taking any chances today, I am going to the top-tier shoes… my newest pair of Adidas (gifted to me by the lovely and generous Leslie).

    —

    Several times over the past couple months, Leslie has pointed out that she can see and feel a noticeable difference in the size of my belly and my dreaded man-boobs. I have felt it too… and while it does not yet feel great, it certainly feels like I have made great progress.

    On my computer desktop I have two pictures of me called MDG-Before-1 and -2 which were taken Thursday, January 20th… otherwise known as Day 1. While I still look in the mirror and see a fat man, there is no denying the tremendous progress that I have made in these six months. I am not half the man I was… but I am certainly much smaller than I was. Losing sixty pounds is no joke!

    I write this because this morning I noticed something… when I lift my belly, when I lift my man-boobs, they feel huge… yet significantly smaller than they were. I remember what it was like in December and January, and I know that I have come a long way since then. I want to keep going, but there is only one person who can make that happen. It is my intention to keep making it happen, day by day. As with overcoming any addiction, I have to do it one day at a time. I cannot simply say ‘I will never…’ I have to tell myself every morning: ‘Today I will stick to the program. I will not cheat. I will exercise. I will stick to it. I will go to bed with the knowledge that I got through today without falling off the wagon.’

    Like alcoholics and Valerie Bettinelli like to say, it’s one day at a time.

    Have a great day, folks!

  • Day 170

    It is not fair that when you have a great diet day, you wake up the following morning and your weight is not down (or is even a little up). However, as Leslie keeps telling me, the chart of a diet’s progress is never a straight downward line, rather it is a squiggly snaking line trending downward; as long as it is trending down, I am on track. Also, after a few days of tremendous drops, it is normal for the progress to level out for a few days. I know that I am doing well on my program, and Leslie continues to point out the progress that she is seeing in me. Yay!

    I ate mostly well yesterday, although if I were to add up my cheats, they would include a Japanese biscuit, a quarter of Leslie’s tuna sandwich at lunch, and four boneless chicken nuggets at dinner (Leslie ordered ten, and knowing how much I love wings, she gave me what she did not finish). Even put together, those three things would not amount to an egregious weight gain. Yes, I am up a little bit this morning… but since a week ago today, I am down a lot. That is the trend, and that is what matters!

    My walk was a good one, and I have to remember that not every measure of success is numeric. Yes, my pace was slower than it was the previous day, but that does not take into account the fact that I went for the walk despite my legs still feeling the previous day’s walk. It also does not account for the higher temperatures. Additionally, my thighs are still chaffed because for my first walk of the week I did not wear the proper shorts. It was a longer walk than I have done, and I am very happy with it.

    • Distance: 7.5 km (7.25 km)
    • Duration: 1:22:42 (1:17:03 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 11:01 (10:37)
    • Steps: 9.3k (8.8k)
    • Calories burned: 429 (419)
    • Elevation gain: 28m (27m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 112 (114)

    I made a scrumptious omelet for breakfast this morning. To change it up a bit, I decided to cook an all-beef hotdog into it, which of course meant no cheese. While the hotdog was good, Leslie and I agree that it is not nearly as good as the all-beef salami I used to buy. The difference is that I had the hotdog in the house, and I do not need to go buying a kilo of salami for one meal… because of course we know that it will turn into several meals over not nearly a long enough time.

    For lunch I plan to make a chicken salad. I have been marinating two chicken breasts in Mojo for the last day and a half. I plan to bake them in the air fryer, and then chop it up and then blend it with some onions and dill, and then mix it with mayonnaise. In a few minutes Leslie and I are going to the supermarket, and I will pick a couple of very nice and fresh buns to make sandwiches.

    We are driving to Strathroy for dinner; Leslie is going to meet my god children! Today is Douglas’ birthday, and we have some very exciting presents for him… and of course for Cynthia as well. I haven’t seen them (or their parents) since April, and it will be wonderful to spend time with them. Amanda is aware of my dietary requirements with regard to religion, but with regard to the weight loss plan, the best I can hope for is to be able to exercise moderation. Cam will try to ply me with scotch… I will try to be good though.

    Tomorrow is the ‘big’ birthday party that my friends are throwing for me. Leslie and I will start the day with a reasonable breakfast (or brunch), and then we will drive out to Cambridge for the festivities. I do not plan to be good, but I also do not intend to gorge myself.

    It feels good to be able to close the week knowing that I am tremendously down from a week ago… especially with the travel, the birthday celebrations, the stress and anxiety of so many things. I do not expect to lose seven pounds most weeks… but if I can lose two to three pounds per week, I will be a very happy man.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 134

    This should be easy math: Yesterday I did not (really) cheat, and therefore my weight this morning was down. While it is certainly the case today, it frustrates me that it does not always work this way. Yes, my measurement on the bathroom scale was a good one (not quite my lowest weigh-in, but close). I am not unhappy with my progress. I simply wish that every day that I do not cheat, my weight would be down. Such is not the case. Oh well.

    On April 9 I was thrilled to drop below 350 lbs. It is nearly two months on, and I have not dropped below 344 lbs. I am sick of that, and hope that last week’s revelation about peanuts will allow that to change… and no, this past weekend’s terrible cheating did not help one bit, but if I can stay the course for the next few days then hopefully I will drop below 340 lbs. I know that in two weeks I am flying to Dallas, and after that will be my birthday, and after that a quick jaunt to Long Island to celebrate a friend’s wedding. I know that I will likely be back to the 340s for most of those… I just want to get below them to prove to myself that doing things the right way will show results.

    It might seem strange to many that I speak in pounds, and yet my official weigh-ins are in kilograms. Of course, if you are following along on my blog then you will not see that… I do not post my weights there. Yes, I grew up in a household where we were taught pounds and ounces; the 2.5 years I spent in California did not hurt that. Fortunately, my physician’s office is Canadian, and they work in the metric system. While I cannot convert pounds to kilos as seamlessly as I can do miles to kilometres, I do understand both systems. I should eschew the antiquated and senseless imperial system in favour of the completely logical metric. Old habits do die hard though, so I still do both.

    Leslie finally received the right birthday gift yesterday, and I decided to pull the trigger and buy myself the same Ninja dual-zone air fryer that I bought for her. Before I did, I made sure that I was able to return the essentially no-name one that I had bought previously. I still had a few days left to return it, so all is good. I am glad that I saved the box for it… I will pack it up and drop it off at UPS on my way to the golf course later this morning. Amazon asks you to select the reason you are returning something. This, dear reader, is an IQ test. If you answer, “I do not want it anymore,” or something similar, the return shipping cost was $65. If you go back and change your answer to, “It did not perform the way I had hoped,” then the return shipping is free. What can you do, right? The new machine will cost a lot more than the old one… but I really did not like the old one.

    As I alluded to briefly in the last paragraph, I am golfing again today. I must be a sucker for punishment, right? Hopefully today’s round will be slightly better than my last one, which was abysmal. If I had any brains on the subject, I would sign up for golf lessons… or at least spend some time on the driving range before heading out on the course again. At least the weather forecast for the day is not nearly as extreme as it was Monday, with a predicted high temperature of 21°c. I will not be as hot as I was… although heat had never bothered me.

    I was paid for two separate and unrelated payments for work done yesterday, which was a bit of a relief. It is not that I am running out of money, it is simply that I do not like having to chase the companies that I contract to. There are still a couple of outstanding payments owed, but the oldest of those is less than 60 days old, and so I am not entirely concerned. That is also owed to me by a company that a) loves me and wants me to continue to work for them; and b) paid another invoice yesterday. Again, not worried. It is just nice to see money going into my bank account… especially knowing that my actual day job has been stagnant for the past two months. I exchanged emails with them about that yesterday, and there is progress on the horizon… I just wish it was quicker!

    Two weeks from today I am flying down to Dallas to see my baby, and I could not be more excited. Monday afternoon I took delivery of my new threads that I ordered in March. Unfortunately, they all still fit perfectly. Yes, that sounds weird… but I do wish that by now I would have lost enough weight that they would already be loose. No such luck. I am hoping that by the time we get married in November, I will fit into my older suits and shirts. Here’s hoping and praying!

    Have a great day folks… I’ve got a couple of errands to run before hitting the golf course, but that’s what I have planned for the day. Whatever you have going on, try to enjoy it!

  • Day 97

    This week I am more stressed than usual. I have a deadline to finish creating a course which I have been working on, and which I must deliver Thursday. I will make my hard deadline, but it will be close. If I had been able to work Sunday afternoon (as had been the plan, then I would be much less tight about it. Such is life.

    While my weight was up this morning, it was not by any significant number. I am under no delusions that I will lose weight every day, so knowing that I was down the last two days is quite satisfying, and the .4lbs that I was up this morning is a minor adjustment.

    I took a chicken breast out to defrost last night, and that will be my afternoon meal… along with either steamed vegetables or a salad. Food will not be my main focus today, for I have too many other things to think about. The only thought that I shall keep at the forefront is that I will not veer from the program. Yes, I have a lot of work to do today. That does not mean that I should be snacking while I do so. While I have what to cheat with if I wanted to, I have, thus far, no desire to do so and indeed, I am hoping that by next Wednesday, a fortnight since my last weigh-in, I will have once again lost the 2.5 kilograms that I had been happy to lose each previous weigh-in… until the last one.

    In December, before I started on my program, I saw the doctor, and he proposed I get my bloodwork done. I told him that I would rather wait until I have lost a few pounds, but that I would. Now, on the cusp of having lost fifty pounds (although not quite there yet), I think it is time. I have the requisition form (which his office recently emailed to me), so all I have to do is pop into a lab and get stabbed. The next four days will be very tight, but I should be able to do it either Saturday or Monday at the latest. While it would have been interesting to see the difference in readings that forty-five pounds makes, I was too embarrassed to do it then, knowing how bad it would have been.

    Every doctor I have seen in the past twenty years or so has told me that I need to lose weight. It is nice to be going to see a doctor who is encouraging me to lose weight, but knows that I am on track, and knows that nagging me will not be helpful. In my article Awareness and Honesty which I published just yesterday I wrote about the positive long-term relationship I have had with this doctor, and hope to continue. When I went through the program in California, I saw a doctor who was also very encouraging. He helped me through the program for a few months as well. What a difference a good doctor with a positive bedside manner makes!

    It is another lovely day outside, and it would be nice to be able to sit out with a cigar. My schedule today will not allow for that, but by the weekend I will be able to relax and do just that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 94

    Today’s article could just as easily be titled ‘Perception of Progress: Do not trust your memory!’ I suspect I will have a lot of people who know exactly what I am talking about.

    I am in the phase where I feel like I have lost a lot of weight, and that I haven’t lost anything.

    Anyone who has ever had a huge belly will know that you can put your hands under it and lift it and see just how fat you are. The same goes for man-boobs. You lift them and bam, they are huge. I will not discuss the obesity of a woman’s chest for two reasons. First, having no first-hand experience having them, I cannot speak to it, and secondly, I expect that this is the one area where many women do not necessarily wish to shrink.

    I put my hands under my belly this morning and lifted, and it is truly large. It is easy to get discouraged by the sheer size of my belly. It is hard to remember that three months ago it was that much bigger… and while it is easy to say, ‘I’ve gotten nowhere,’ in truth I know that is it much smaller than it was.

    In fact, when Leslie was here a couple of weeks ago, I remember saying that I noticed that my man-boobs were much smaller than they had once been.

    With regard to weight loss and the shrinking of our body, perception is not in fact reality. That is why we need to measure ourselves. While I weigh myself on a daily basis, I only measure myself very occasionally, and I mark those numbers down even less frequently. My reasoning is simple: Every time I measure myself, I am disappointed. It disheartens me to see that I have only lost half an inch, or whatever it might be, after a month or two or three. It is interesting that I get excited by a 2kg weight loss over a fortnight, but not over losing 2” around my belly in eight weeks.

    After I wrote that last paragraph, I decided to measure myself. I have actually lost about 3” around my belly and a little over 3” around my chest. That is pretty huge, even if I have so far to go. What I have to remember though is that three months ago, my Size-44 pants were all tight, and there wasn’t a single size-42 pair that I could hope to wear. I had shirts that would not even come close to buttoning up, and I had to buy a larger winter jacket because neither my ski jacket nor my spring/fall jacket came close to doing up. Today, some of my size-44 pants are too loose to wear, and the ones that are not are getting there. I am wearing size-42 blue jeans. Most (but certainly not all) of my larger shirts fit or are close to fitting. Both of the jackets that I had set aside are a little tight, but certainly wearable.

    Okay, all of that is great, and hugely meaningful. Some of the other things I have to remember though are that it is not strictly about size. As I walked HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I realized how much more comfortable I am walking her, and how much easier it is to bend down to pick up after her. I am not even referring to the fact that earlier in the week I was able to go for a five-kilometer walk, which is huge… but the everyday things that need to get done are easier to do than they were. I am finding it easier to put on my socks and my shoes. I am not having the same difficulties walking. My knees still hurt when I walk up or down stairs, but that is in part due to injuries. I have an easier time getting out of bed, standing up (either from a chair or from the porcelain throne). I still do not find my low couch to be very comfortable, but I have no problem sitting or lying on it, because I can much more easily stand up from it. All of the activities that were (and still might be) more difficult with all of the weight are getting easier. It is a gradual process, but it is progress.

    A month or so ago, my doctor asked me what exercise I am doing. I told him that I am walking HRF a couple of times per day. He told me that unless I had a larger and more energetic dog, it was unlikely that the start-stop pace of dog-walking was going to get my cardio going. He was right, but now I can go out for those much longer walks when I want to. I will try to do it more often as the weather gets nicer. I know that in a couple of weeks I will be in Cuba, and I will try to get some good walks in there (no excuses on the weather, other than some might find it to be too hot).

    I have a long way to go; in truth, I am probably under one third of the way to the total weight loss I want to achieve. Every journey starts with a single step, and every diet starts with a single day. Today is the ninety-fourth day of my journey, and while there have been bumps and even severe bumps along the way, I am confident that I can continue to lose weight so that in time, hopefully within a year, I can have the slamming body that I always wished I could have.

  • Day 90

    It is hard to believe that today is my ninetieth day on the program. I have not lost as much as I would have liked, but I have covered that before… I am not on the program religiously, but a modified program. Hey, losing nearly fifty pounds in ninety days is nothing to sneeze at, is it?

    Yesterday’s workout was great, but there is no question, you really do feel it later in the evening. I have a new diet buddy that read my article on Food Addiction and told me that she will now be reading my blog for encouragement. She also told me she would love to walk with me. I told her I would be delighted, but she would have to be able to maintain the pace that I was at yesterday. I do not want to make her feel bad if she cannot keep up. We all need to start out at our own pace.

    On much the same topic, yesterday was the best single-day views on my diet-blog, www.losingapartof.me. I find that on days when I share a specific (and topical) article with one of the Facebook groups that I am active on, I see a real spike in readership. How cool would it be if even twenty percent of those people subscribed… or at least read the blog on a regular basis!? All told, yesterday’s total views peaked at one hundred and seventy-nine… and while the majority were from North America, there were viewers from ten countries and six continents in total (although only one hit each from Asia, Africa, and South America)! Considering my average readership has been around 450 views per month, that is really exciting.

    I am proud of my weight-loss, but I am also proud of my writing. Knowing that there are so many people out there fighting the same fight that I am is heartwarming and being able to share with them is great. Don’t think for a minute that my current readers (especially my number one fan) are not enough for me… I write for myself, and hope that along the way, somebody thinks that what I wrote might be important or relevant to them. In the meantime, with all of the views yesterday, I only added one follower… which is exactly the same number of followers I added on the previous day.

    I would have preferred, after yesterday’s strenuous workout, to see the numbers on the scale down this morning. Alas, that was not the case. Instead, I am up half a pound. I am looking forward to my weigh-in at the doctor’s office tomorrow, where I can be assured of the accuracy of the scale. Until then, I have to suffice myself with the knowledge that if I am going to weigh myself every single day, then my body weight will not drop consistently every single day… and even days of perfect behaviour will often only show results a day or two later. That is the reality of life. That is among the myriad frustrations of dieting and weight loss.

    I am super excited that I have my ticket for Dallas booked. I got a frantic call from Leslie worrying that she did not have staples that I use daily, such as a coffee pot or an air fryer. I know she is just excited that I am finally coming to visit and wants me to feel perfectly at home. There are no problems, only solutions; When I first moved into my apartment, before I bought my Ninja coffee station, I bought a single-cup filter coffee filter which I will bring. As for the air fryer, I lived without one for what – forty-nine years? I can live without one for another week in June.

    The only cheating I did on the program yesterday was an extra meal replacement bar in the evening. I figure I burned a lot of calories on my walk, so an extra 160-calorie bar won’t hurt me. Still and all, the higher-than-yesterday weigh-in bothered me… and I have to remember that it was not a meal replacement bar that caused it.

    I have a lot of work to do today, and I am glad the temptations of good weather for sitting outside are completely absent from the forecast of the day. As HRF Princess Sophie and I took our morning walk, there were cars covered in yesterday’s snow – a true sign that the temperatures had not risen sufficiently to melt it. Additionally, while the wind was certainly blowing unpleasantly this morning, Environment Canada has issued a Special Weather Statement warning of strong winds and wind gusts for this afternoon and evening (with northwesterly winds gusting 70 to 80 km/h). All of that, I assure you, is conducive to my not going outside again today, other than to take my pup-princess for her evening walk. With my frustrations with technology abated (for the moment), I hope to be able to make good headway in putting together the slides for my upcoming class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Food Addiction

    There is a difficult side to food addiction that most other addictions do not have. It makes it hard for people who are not addicted to understand it. It makes it difficult for people who are not overweight to ‘get’ why we don’t just cut down on our food intake. Eat less food = lose weight, right?

    If you are addicted to drugs, you stop doing drugs. That is not to belittle how incredibly difficult it is to get off drugs as an addict, but that’s how it works. The same thing with booze. “Hi, I’m Fred, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi Fred!) It’s been 473 days since my last drink and…” While I have never been to an AA meeting, that is how they are portrayed in pop culture; I have to assume that at least one of the myriad screenwriters who have portrayed this scene has been to a meeting and is doing their best to convey them accurately. Whatever it might be that you are addicted to, by cutting it out and spending the rest of your life not doing it, then you have conquered your addiction.

    Food does not work like that. You cannot cut food out of your life. You need food to survive. Sure, you can cut certain types of foods out of your life… if you are addicted to sweets, you can to a great extent cut sugar out of your diet. You cannot cut food out completely.

    People see food addicts as weak, but the truth is that if we overcome our lifelong battle with obesity and do manage to get slim, then we are among the strongest people in the world. Alcoholics say that if they have just one more drink, they will go back to drinking. While this is always portrayed in pop culture, I have seen it firsthand, from people I know to be alcoholics. When I lose all of my weight, will I be able to just have a small order of whatever it is that I crave? I will have to… but it is more likely that I will have to avoid a lot of foods completely.

    In September 2020 I weighed 260lbs. I was at my lowest weight since I first became overweight after the Army. I had been doing so well. After an event at my synagogue, the rabbi invited the volunteers to join him for a l’chaim (a drink). That would never have gotten me. It was the other volunteer who brought homemade baked goods that she insisted we all try that was my downfall. I had one… then another, because they were there. We all left the event, and I went straight to the grocery store… to the prepared foods department, where I picked up a large order of fried chicken.

    For the previous six months, I had eaten properly. I was combining my meal replacements with a healthy diet of food that I cooked myself – mostly chicken and salad – and I had lost a tremendous amount of weight. It took a cookie to bring that all to an end.

    Food addicts cannot cut out all foods. We have to change our habits to those of moderation, and that is not an easy ask. We have to learn to say ‘Thank you, but no thank you’ when people offer us foods that are tempting, but which are not on our diet plans. Had I turned down that cookie, would I have gone off the program? Probably not… I know that had I not gone to pick up the fried chicken that night then my life today might be extremely different than it is.

    Now here’s the rub… How can I say all of this, and then turn around and say, ‘When I drop below this or that milestone, I will allow myself a cheat meal?’ Or ‘When we are on vacation, I am pausing the diet.’ How can I say these things, knowing what I know? I know that I have not beaten my addiction… but I also know that I have learned from my missteps and will fight like hell to do what I need to do. I know that yes, I have cheated… but every time I have, I have been able to get right back on track the following day. I know that I have the love of my life who will ask me (upon our return from Cuba next month) if I am back on the program… and if I say ‘No,’ she will encourage me to get back to it.

    I also say it knowing that I am nowhere near where I need to be yet. I am not talking about my weight; I am talking about changing my relationship with food. I am still a food addict and know that it would be simple for me to revert back into gluttony. I do not want to do that, and I will not let myself do that. Yes, when we are in Cuba, I plan to eat. No, I do not plan to gorge myself. I might bring healthy snacks for when there is nothing else available, but in truth there is usually something available that I can eat. In truth, the only food in Cuba that really will tempt me is the proteins – the chicken and seafood, mostly – and that you get one helping of at your meal.

    On the resort, we will mostly be eating at the buffet. By tempering what I take, and by loading my plates down with salads, I will be able to stay mostly on track. When we are in Havana or the town of Varadero, I will not go nuts… I would rather spend my money on great cigars than on decent food.

    Food addicts cannot cut our addiction completely out. We will spend the rest of our lives battling our demons and trying to keep our addiction in check. I have now lost the fight three times – I have been below 275-pounds three times in my life and gained nearly (or over) a hundred pounds three times. This time around, I plan to win, knowing that I can never really go off the program… not really. If I plan to win, then I will need to be aware of and careful with what I eat every day for the rest of my life.

    If only I were simply addicted to drugs…

  • Losing and Gaining and Losing Again

    I wrote earlier about the times I have lost weight, and then gained it back. After I finished that piece, I decided to go back to look and see just how long it takes to fall from grace.

    The first time I lost the weight, I was following a medically supervised intensive program. I lost one hundred pounds in just over twelve weeks. It was great! I was feeling wonderful, I was looking better than I had in years. The Province of Ontario’s medical insurance (Ontario Health Insurance Program, or OHIP) allows you to do the program only once, and only for twelve weeks. After that, they essentially kick you to the kerb. I struggled to stay on track; I even tried to get back on the program. Unfortunately, the discipline required to restart once you have stopped was, at the time, beyond me. In July 2017 I weighed my best, around 265 lbs. By New Years or so I was back up around the 300 lbs mark. A year and a half later, in July 2019, I weighed around 370 lbs.

    My next honest try was in California. It was still supervised by a doctor, but this time I was paying for it out of pocket. I did not stay true to the program for one extended period of time, but over the next fourteen months I dropped down to my absolute best weight, 260.8 lbs on September 28, 2020. It was two months later that I last popped back over the 290 lbs mark, and on December 22 of that year I was back over three hundred pounds. I got back down to just under 285 lbs toward the end of January 2021, but on February 18 I was back above 300 lbs, where I have been ever since. By March 18 I was at 320 lbs, and around the day my father died (April 19) I was over 330 lbs. On the morning I flew back to Canada (July 16, 2021) I weighed in at 348.2 lbs. Over the next six months, during which I did not really weigh myself, I gained another forty-five pounds.

    I was not able to accurately weigh myself then, but on January 20, 2022, I was at my heaviest weight ever, somewhere around 392 lbs.

    Let’s recap: In August 2017 I weighed 262, and twenty-three months later I weighed 370. In September 2020 I weighed 260.8, and seventeen months later I weighed 390.

    If ever there was proof that I cannot let my guard down ever, and that this struggle with my weight is one that I will need to actively fight until the day that I die, it is those numbers right there. It took me less than two years to gain 108 lbs. It took me less than a year and a half to gain nearly 130 lbs.

    All it takes is my letting my guard down, thinking that I can eat the way I used to eat… or more accurately, not thinking about how or what I eat.

    I have lost about forty-five pounds in the last eighty-four days; at this rate, I will be down to my ideal weight in just under a year. It has taken a lot of hard work, willpower, and sacrifice to get this far, and I know it will take even more to get to where I want to be. I cannot throw all of that away again. I’ve already done it twice; this time – the third time has to be the charm. If not, I am eventually going to eat myself into an early grave – in a coffin that will break the backs of six pallbearers.

    The third time is the charm; with dedication and perseverance – and the love of a wonderful woman – I will get to where I want to be, and I will stay there.

  • Day 84

    I regained half a pound from yesterday, but that is not surprising, knowing that I had lost over a pound over the last few days. I am still maintaining below 350 lbs, which is confidence inspiring. It means that what I have been doing is working.

    It is likely that before I finish this article, My Weight Loss Diary 2022 will hit eighty thousand words… not to mention the 120 pages that I am glad are not on paper. It is the third journal I have started over the past five years, which would be filling well over five hundred pages if I were to ever print them all out. I would not be worried about all of that paper if I knew that I could inspire readers with huge success; as it is, with two failed attempts behind me (which is to say, I have lost over one hundred pounds twice and gained them all back twice), I would consider it a waste of paper and dead trees to print them out.

    Yes, I am a little fatalistic this morning. While they do say that the third time is a charm, I also know that I have been addicted to food – primarily, the wrong foods – for far too long. I know that I have to not only succeed at the diet now, but I have to then find a way to maintain the weight loss for the rest of my life. Even if I do not get back to my absolute ideal weight, I cannot slip back into my old ways. In September of 2020 – less than two years ago – I weighed 260 pounds. I was still about sixty pounds overweight, but I was also ninety pounds (more or less) lighter than I am today… and a good one hundred and thirty pounds lighter than I was on Day 1. Okay, I fell off the program… but instead of finding a way to maintain my weight, I slipped back into my old unhealthy ways. Yes, there were all sorts of stresses that can explain why it happened… Yes, I lost my job, and yes, I lost my visa status (although to be fair, I did not realize that at the time). Yes, my father passed away. Yes, I ended up very suddenly and unexpectedly moving back to Canada. All of those were terrible things… but I still should have found a way to not fall back into my old ways.

    A little over a month ago, I had a terrible day. It was not yet noon when I told Leslie that I was off the diet for the day. I went to Wendy’s and got a burger and fries. I can’t remember what else I ate that day, but I ate a lot more that day. I was bad. I was terrible. The next morning, as I had told her I would, I was back on track. I did exactly what I should have done in September, 2020… I had a cheat day, and then I got right back onto the horse. In September 2020 after the Jewish High Holidays, the rabbi gathered his volunteers (of which I was one) and gave us all cookies and tequila. I figured, “What the Hell? It’s only one night!” I then went to the supermarket and picked up fried chicken for dinner. Only the special was however many pieces for five dollars, and that was enough for a few meals. I ate it that night, the following night, and the next night as well… and my diet was done. The downward spiral began and did not stop until January of this year… one hundred and thirty pounds later.

    I cannot let that happen again. I need to stay focused, but if I lose my way for a day, I have to get right back onto the horse… not the next week, rather the next day. I have to keep on track. That is the only way I will ever be able to lose the weight and keep it off permanently. That is my goal.

    I wrote about my food intake for yesterday last night. During the lectures, I went through a bunch of sugar-free lozenges. I suspect that despite them being sugar-free, they will still be bad for my weight loss. No matter, they helped to stave off my hunger until I got over the emotional roller coaster. During the dinner break, as planned, I had my last shake of the evening. At our last break, I was truly hungry, and I had one of the meal-replacement bars (160 calories instead of the 225 in the shakes), but that won’t kill me. I drank more water throughout the evening than I have been doing, and so my rest room breaks were more frequent than they have been.

    I made the decision, and have discussed it with Leslie, that I will be taking a hiatus from my diet while we are in Cuba. More accurately, from the time I pick her up from the airport the night before we leave until the time I drop her off at the airport after we are back, I will be mindful of what I eat, but I will not be dieting. That means that I can eat and drink freely in Cuba… I just want to be careful not to gain too much back. I also need to promise myself that immediately upon after that time period I get back on the wagon, which means the morning of May 18th I will be back on the program. That happens to be the day that HRF Princess Sophie goes to the spa, but that is not important. The diet resumes that morning!

  • Cravings

    I dropped Leslie off at the airport a few hours ago and miss her already. After trying (unsuccessfully) to run a couple of errands, I came home to make dinner. I made boneless and skinless chicken breasts that I had been marinating since yesterday, and I a nice salad. I have to remember to buy more lettuce tomorrow. I think I have all of the other vegetables I usually put into my salad, but I will check before I go out.

    Following my meal, I was still hungry… or at least I felt hungry. I wanted to eat something else… and I know that I have a lot of food in the house that I could have turned to. I was tempted to have a meal replacement bar to satisfy my cravings, but I decided not to do that either. I know that the hunger is not real, rather it is my emotions telling me that since Leslie is gone… since I am sad, I should fill the void with food. I drank two glasses of water and washed the dishes instead of eating, and then came to my desk to join my class. Sometime in about two hours, the instructor will give us a twenty-minute break for dinner, and I will have my evening shake. I am glad that I had the willpower to overcome the temptation, and to defeat my emotions.

    One tool that I could have used when overcoming the temptation is my blog. This morning, when I got off the scale and saw how well I had done – and how much weight I have lost over the last few days. I have lost six pounds since Thursday morning, and I was elated each morning when I got off the scale. I do not want to ruin all of that with what… a jar of peanut butter and a spoon? Whatever I might have eaten, it would not have been as satisfying as knowing that this weekend I put on a pair of jeans that had not fit in a year and a half. I also know that a single misstep can begin a slippery slope that would lead to all of those great colourful and flowery shirts and bathing suits that I bought for our Cuba trip no fitting me.

    I won’t do it. I will check myself every time I feel the need to indulge. I will call Leslie I will call my diet buddy if she is not available. I will do whatever I need to do in order to not fall off. I have come so far… I have not lost fifty pounds yet, but it is close. While I am nowhere near where I want to be, losing nearly fifty pounds is huge, and I have vowed to not go back. Every bit of progress, every milestone, every pants size, every pound lost is a bit of progress, milestone, pants size, and pound that I never want to see again. I know I will fall from time to time – I have done so already, and I am sure I will again – but falling down and getting right back up again is so much better than falling down and giving up. I will remember the Japanese saying… Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

    I am going to start paying attention to my class, but I will be back tomorrow morning. As I seem to write at the end of every article… Have a great evening!