Losing a part of me

Category: Progress

  • Day 83

    It is extremely important on days when I do not lose (or actually gain) weight that I take not of and remember all of the cheats that I took throughout the day… even if they are minor and insignificant. It is equally important on days when I lose weight – especially significant loss – to do the same. This morning I woke up and I was more than a full pound down from my weight yesterday morning, and I am thrilled about it.

    I did, however, have a number of minor cheats and deviations from the program. For example, I made Leslie a tuna melt on a challah roll for lunch. I prepared enough tuna for her sandwich and for me to have a bowl of it. I used low-fat mayonnaise, as well as onions (of course). For her sandwich, I added extra mayo onto the roll, and sprinkled generous amounts of shredded cheddar into it. I also melted butter into the bottom of the pan that I heated it in. It looked and smelled delicious; suddenly my tuna salad looked boring. Leslie ate most of her sandwich, but when she left over a bit of it, I took three bites of it. The difference that the cheese and butter and challah roll made was night and day. It was absolutely delicious! I am glad I did not make one for myself, but I am glad I got to taste it.

    I had a couple of pieces of dried mango, which were also absolutely delicious. I limited it to two pieces, which was enough to satisfy my cravings.

    For dinner (our last dinner together for nearly a month) I prepared a couple of gorgeous salmon steaks, and she prepared the jasmine rice. The scheduling screwed us up for eating together, but the food tasted delicious. The rice is not on my plan, but I did not see the harm in having a little bit… especially since Leslie prepared it with love.

    It is extremely important that I remember that I got away with these cheats yesterday, but that I cannot make a habit of it. I will not say to myself ‘Well, I had some challah bread and rice that day and I lost weight, so I guess I can always do that!’ That would be a bad idea. I need to remember that there are some things that I can take a bit of for the occasional cheat that I cannot make a regular part of my diet. Just like when I do reach my ideal weight, there are some foods that I will be able to enjoy very rarely for a special occasion but cannot be a regular part of my diet.

    One of the phrases that the original program that I went through kept telling us – and that I truly believe is the key to long-term success – is that I need to break my unhealthy relationship with food, which means that so many of the foods that I used to love on a regular basis cannot ever be that again. Not only that, but I will also have to adjust my idea of a regular portion size. If I can do those two things – stop craving the fattening (and terribly fattening, and disgustingly fattening) foods, and keep a better handle on my portions (of healthy and especially of unhealthy food), then I should be able to get thin and to stay thin. That means that I should not go searching for whatever tempting foods that my loving girlfriend might have hidden from me in anticipation of her leaving. Yes, I was able to eschew the bag of dried mangos that sat next to her desk all week… but that was a short-term resistance; It was resisting temptation while she was here, and even if I was to get tempted, she was here to support me and to encourage me to make the smart decisions – the right decisions. When she is gone, when I am down and despondent and low, and especially while I am sitting at my desk for five hours every night listening to a mostly boring class for the next three weeks, it would be so easy to reach over there and grab a handful… just one would be all that it would take for me to finish the bag. I cannot do that.

    I sometimes take for granted how helpful Leslie is to my weight loss. Her presence here is so important for many reasons, not the least of which is that I would be ashamed if she saw me chow down on fattening and unhealthy foods. She has told me time and again that she loves me and will love me no matter what… and I believe her. To the extent that she needs to do so, she has proven that over and over again. It was never she who was encouraging me to start the diet, and she has told me time and again that I should not be dieting for her. She has also told me, since I started my diet, that she remembers sitting with me before the diet, and being amazed at the amount of food I could consume. She never said it in a judging way, rather in response to something that I said about how I have to change my ways. I am so grateful to have her in my life, and while I am not dieting for her, I hope that by losing the weight I will be able to live a longer and healthier life with her. Today is the day that she and I always dread – the day I have to drive her to the airport, the day we set the countdown timer to her next visit (27.5 days, for those who are counting down with us). I am going to miss her terribly, but I have to make sure that in her absence I do not fall off the food wagon. It may not be fast enough for my liking, but I have been losing the weight at a decent pace, and I have to continue to do so… whether the love of my life is here or not.

    It is the most gorgeous day of the week. The sun is shining, and the temperatures are in the mid-teens. Once I have posted today’s article, I will sit on the patio with a cigar while Leslie is working. When she is ready, we will get into the car for that sad drive, but we do so knowing that the next time she arrives – four weeks from tonight – we will be together again… and we will be going on vacation to the islands the following day!

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 82

    While my weight yesterday morning did go up from the previous day’s, it was only by half a pound. Today it is back to where it was on Saturday, which means that for the third day in a row I have remained below 350 lbs.

    The last few days I have been sharing an omelet with Leslie; I am relieved that these have not pushed my weight up at all. That is not to say that I will continue to make them for myself when she goes home, but I am happy that I it has not hurt my progress. I am relieved that Lyle and Dorothy did not want us to stay for dinner yesterday, and so before we left the house, Leslie marinated a couple of pieces of chicken, which we ate with her yummy rice. I succumbed to the temptation of a couple of pieces of her dried mango, but aside from that I was good.

    Another huge non-scale victory is that I noticed a significant drop in the size of my belly and of my (groan!) man-boobs. It is not something that I have been paying ongoing attention to, but I know that they were GIGANTIC and now they are significantly less so. I think I will take this opportunity to measure my chest… okay, I am back… and I have lost about 2 inches on each of the three measurements. Woohoo… but I still have a long way to go.

    I am going to pick up fish for dinner again, and while I am out shopping, I will have to remember to pick up Kleenex and vegetables… as well as eggs for tomorrow morning’s breakfast. If I can find a pack of 6 eggs that would be great, but I am not holding my breath.

    I have been told to hold off on working on my customer until they figure out their budget for Q2. That means I have some reading to do, which I will do on the balcony with a cigar. I also have to go shopping, which I will do when Leslie gets onto her next call. She just told me that she has never tasted a bagel that she liked, so I am going to see if Fortino’s has a good Montreal bagel for her to try. They would not be authentic, but they would still be better than any bagel that has ever set foot in the State of Texas. That is not to say that I will buy one for myself… but I will buy one for her to try.

    Later this afternoon, Leslie and I have to drive out to Etobicoke to run an errand, which will be a couple of hours of our lives that we will never get back. Don’t get me wrong, we will be happy to be together in the car… but we would be equally happy being together not in the car.

    I have made another decision. If next week, when I get weighed at the doctor’s office, my weight in my clothes is still below 350 lbs, then I am going to treat myself to a steak. I have not prepared any beef for myself since January, and although I have had beef a couple of times (such as at Ryan’s house the other night), it has not been a juicy homemade steak. That will be my one guilty treat to commemorate my accomplishment.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 80

    Woohoo! The bathroom scale registered me below 350 lbs for the first time in a very long time today. While I suspect the next few days will have me above that mark again, it is indeed a banner moment. I had not mentioned it in any previous article, but that is the magic number – the maximum weight on my doctor’s medical scale. Of course, when I get weighed there, I am fully clothed, and so I have to plan for 3-4 pounds more loss before I can weigh myself on the imperial scale there. (On the metric side of the scale the maximum is 160kg, which is 352lbs.)

    Leslie and I decided on seared tuna for dinner last night, and if I do say so myself, it was quite nice. The fish monger only had frozen tuna steaks, but they defrosted in time for me to prepare them. It was the first time I ever cooked seared tuna, and I think it came out well… although there is plenty of room for improvement. I heated the frying pan to the hottest the burner would go, and then I seared each piece for 15 seconds on each side. Leslie made the rice, to which we added furikake (a Japanese seasoning that she has been raving about, and which I really enjoyed). I sprinkled black sesame seeds onto my tuna, but she did not. We finished the presentation with a dollop of pickled ginger. It was, if I do say so myself, an amazing meal! Yes, tuna is a fatty fish (as is salmon), but it is very healthy… and I like that we are experimenting in the kitchen.

    While I do not mind the boring chicken – salmon rotation that is my usual dinner, I do not want to drag Leslie into my boring meal routine. I have a friend in California who would come over with her dog, and she would make fun of me for it. ‘Let me guess… you want to make chicken and salad for dinner? Wow you are so predictable!’ I stick to the routine because it is easy, because I like it, and because I know that it does not hurt my diet. However, I do not mind expanding beyond that… especially if it helps my culinary knowledge! The first time I bought salmon I was really hesitant, and it came out really well. Now I have expanded even further and can keep going if I like!

    Cam and Amanda had to cancel our plans for today, which is too bad, but makes our life a little more convenient. We will probably drive to Cambridge to spend a few hours with Ryan and company, but Cambridge is a 40-minute drive each way, whereas Strathroy is a 100-minute drive each way. I would have loved to introduce her to my friends and my godchildren, but that will have to wait until a later trip. In the meantime, I am sure that Cam and Amanda will invite me to see the kids in a few weeks, which is just fine by me.

    I wanted to try my next size of pants down on this weekend. Leslie said that I shouldn’t; knowing that I have a huge scale victory today, I am going to see if I might also have a non-scale victory to report. We will see. I think I am going to… if only to see how far I have left to my next size-switch.

    Speaking of sizes: Leslie brought the shirts and bathing trunks that I ordered to her address for our Cuba trip. Of the six shirts and two bathing trunks, half fit. That’s right, three shirts and a bathing suit fit. The other three shirts were still too small… but the other bathing suit was way too big. Okay, no problem… we will return those to Amazon, and we ordered new ones – this time different patterns of the styles that we already know fit properly. We are very excited to be heading out on our first vacation together… we leave one month from tomorrow and could not be more excited!

    Whatever your plans are for this weekend, have a great one. See you tomorrow!

  • Day 77

    The nurse weighing me directed me right to the ‘heavy’ scale this morning, but I asked her if we could see if the regular scale would do yet. It was not quite… but within a pound of it. We stepped onto the heavy scale, and I was half a kilo over… so I have lost another 2.5kg since my last weigh-in. A lot of people would poo-poo a 2.5kg drop over a two week period, but if we add it onto all of the other similar losses, and I am down 18kg, or 40 lbs over the past 2.5 months. It is slow progress, but it is significant progress. Add to that, my blood pressure is 112 over 70, making me the healthiest morbidly obese person I know.

    Of course, I cheated a little… but not intentionally, and it couldn’t be helped. I was taking my time this morning, and suddenly realized I had the appointment. I took HRF Princess Sophie for her walk, and then made a quick cup of coffee before I headed out the door. Normally, I would have had my second cup of coffee and a shake before heading out. I do not know what effect that would have, but I am taking the win.

    By my next appointment (in two weeks) they will be weighing me on the regular scale, and I will never look back. The one nurse is usually very nice, but there is another who is quite judgmental, and having to follow her into the other room and then have her standing over the other scale counting how far my weight went over the ‘max’ to calculate my true weight… I could always hear her silently clicking her tongue at me. Yes, I will still be fat… but there will be no more of that, thank you!

    The countdown until I pick Leslie up at the airport is down to hours now, and I am really excited. I hate that we live so far apart, and that we can only see each other every month or every six weeks. I think at some point I am going to have to do something about that. It is just not a tenable situation for me. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see her tonight! HRF is excited too… but I think she will be excited to see her, whereas my anticipation is bursting through now.

    I have some work to do today, but I might find the time for a cigar on the patio before I start teaching my class this evening. We’ll see.

    My goal is to stay the course today… and if I do pick up peanuts. To pick up less. I know that I am going to eat whatever I buy, so maybe if I only buy a small handful (50g has 284 calories!) then I will only eat that small handful.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 73

    Despite my reasonably faithful adherence to the program yesterday, my weight stayed exactly where it was this morning. I suspect that is because the scale was playing April Fools games with me yesterday. I don’t mind that I do not lose weight every day… it is the days that I gain weight that bother me.

    I finished the last of the milk in my first cup of coffee this morning, so when I finish writing I will probably head to the store. I will also have to check my vegetable stocks – I think I have enough chicken and fish for a few more days, but I might as well check everything. One never knows what fish might be on sale this weekend!

    I had a non-scale victory yesterday. In 2016 my friend Eduardo bought me a bracelet for either Christmas or my birthday or for something. It did not fit until I lost a lot of weight in 2017. I know that when I can put it on, it means that I am on track losing weight. It is by no means loose on me, but it closes and is comfortable to wear. That is a good start.

    I am taking my son (the younger) for breakfast tomorrow, and I am looking forward to that. I have been chatting with my ex-wife, who tells me that she is finally having surgery on her knee in May. That has to be a relief for her, as she has been in pain for a long time. I remember seeing how hard it was for her to walk on my first visit to their house back in July, and I felt terrible for her. Hopefully this will bring her some relief.

    I have plans on the calendar for every day between now and Wednesday, which is when Leslie finally arrives. This afternoon, Eduardo is coming for a cigar. Tomorrow morning, I will see Gilad. In the afternoon I will go to Cambridge for a cigar with my friends out there. Monday I am having my summer wheels put onto the car (and I am relieved that I decided to wait until after my Montreal trip). Tuesday the cleaning lady is coming during the day, and Wednesday I get to pick up my girlfriend at the airport. I have been waiting for that last one for far too long, and I cannot wait to have her back in my arms again!

    I am halfway through my second cup of coffee… this time without any milk. I thought I might consider cutting the dairy out of my diet, but I think I will wait a few more weeks before I really consider that. I do enjoy my coffee, but since I took my first sip of it at 5 years old, I have always taken it with coffee and some sort of sweetener (at the time my father was a Sweet-n-Low guy, so that’s what I started with. I am now mostly on Sugar in the Raw). Changing it now… well, we’ll see.

    I spent some time earlier this week installing some of the apps that have always only been on my US cell phone onto my Canadian one. One thing that I did not think to transfer at the time was the app for my Garmin fitness watch. I did that this morning and went through the entire configuration process. I have not yet started to be active, but with the confluence of my weight loss thus far, and the weather starting to get nicer, I thought it a good idea to start getting ready for it. In fact, I think I am going to go for a walk right now… I can go to the supermarket to pick up milk. That will not be a very long walk, but it will be a first walk. Every journey starts with a single step and walking to the store is as good a place to start as any.

    I will mention that I am not going to go to the supermarket I would usually go to. I know that I need to buy vegetables and milk. If I needed other things then I would need to go to the Fortino’s which is a little over 2km away, and I would have to walk back of course. No, the grocery store nearest is about 400m from here, and that will be fine. I might, now that I think of it, also walk to the pharmacy, which is probably another 500m from the grocery, so that would be a really good start! I make no promises… we will see how I am feeling after I get out there.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 71

    Today is the last day of March. I took HRF Princess Sophie for a very wet walk this morning. If April showers bring May flowers, we should also be ever vigilant that April rains can bring emotional pains. I do not think that I am depressed, but I am going to keep an eye out for signs, because that monster can come out of the shadows at any point. I know that Leslie will be here in six days, which makes me extremely happy, and should ward off any signs of depression for the time being.

    One of the side effects of my weight management program is that I am not always as regular as I used to be. I usually move my bowels every morning, but there are some days that I miss. Today, for example. No matter how long I sat there, I was just not able to produce anything. I suspect that is a contributing factor to why my weight is just about the same as yesterday (actually up .2). The peanuts might not have helped. I do know that the new formula for the shakes I am using have fibre, but the old formula does not… and I accidentally bought some of the older ones. I have been trying to drink those first, but maybe I should be mixing the newer ones in. I assumed that the salads I eat would contain enough fibre to keep me regular, but I looked it up (just now) and discovered that the lettuce I am eating contains less than 5% of the recommended fibre for the day. Either I can start eating fifteen heads of lettuce, or I can mix the newer shakes in. I only have one box left of the older shakes, and then will be fine.

    I was hoping to be into my next size of clothes by now, but I can see it is going to take longer than that. If we are going to start today’s article with one saying (April flowers…), we might as well end it with another. Slow and steady wins the race. It is never the most satisfying way to get there though, is it? We want that surge! We want both scale- and non-scale victories on a daily basis! At what cost? If I get to where I want to be, stay there for a few weeks, and then turn around and end up right back where I started from… that’s not winning, is it? I have to find a way to achieve my goals, and then maintain the weight loss. Who knows? Maybe by the time Leslie gets here next week, I will be able to try on some of my smaller pants? I know she will appreciate being here for every NSV… and to support me when I try but don’t succeed.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 69

    After the disaster that was the weekend, I am happy to report that I did not veer from my program at all on Monday. A shake for breakfast and for my evening snack, a salad for lunch, and chicken with a salad for dinner. I went to bed a little peckish, but overall, I am happy with how the day went. I only wish it was not quite so cold, or I might have been able to go out for a walk.

    HRF Princess Sophie came home right about the time I was set to start teaching, and she had eaten and been for her walk. I suspect she was tired from a fun-filled weekend with Natalie… we had a wonderful reunion (as we always do), and then she spent most of the evening in her daybed supervising as I taught, until it was time to move into the real bed for a proper night’s sleep with Daddy. I won’t lie… I have missed having her next to me at night. She gave me a little bit of love, but mostly lay down at the foot of the bed. I think she is a wee bit upset with me that I left her for three days.

    The bathroom scale is heading in the right direction again, but I know it will probably take a week to recover the progress that I lost in just a few days.

    It is not fair. Over the course of three days, I did not eat well but I also did not eat too badly, and yet I still gained something like four pounds. It is now going to take at least a week of assiduous dieting to lose those four pounds. That is simply unfair. The math simply does not work. Let’s be honest: If I had gorged myself on some of my favourite foods – Montreal Smoked Meat, Buffalo Wings, Pizza, and things like that – then I would understand. I just do not see how it is fair that I ate a little bad and have to pay for it for so long. Where’s your manager? I would like to file a complaint!

    Okay, let’s get down to it. I am going to stick to the program again today, and hopefully get back down to where I was… before I can continue to move forward.

    Once again, I am reminded that I just do not understand women. I just don’t get them. I don’t think I ever will. FML.

    I was going to write about some of the non-scale victories I have noticed over the last few days, but all of a sudden, I just don’t feel like writing so screw it.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 64

    Another day of following the prescribed regimen, and once again the bathroom scale is down. I am quite pleased with that, but more important, I am feeling lighter today. The shirt that I am wearing, which a month ago had my belly hanging out, is now much more comfortable. It is a good day to be going to the tailor to be fitted for a few custom dress shirts and pants, and possibly a vest and even a sport jacket. I will not be buying a suit at this time, but the rest I am ready for. I will not spend thousands of dollars at the tailor… but it is likely that I will spend more than $1000. I’ll be sure to take my American credit cards!

    Something that has been weighing on my mind is an issue that I only realized fully the last time I had lost most of my weight. At a certain point, if I do lose all of the weight, I am going to have a lot of excess skin and might need cosmetic surgery to remove it. If I am ever going to have the body that I really want to have, then that is a reality that I am going to have to face. I have been obese since very shortly after I got out of the Army, which is now over twenty-five years ago. It was a nice thought that my skin would bounce back because I was young… I am not so young anymore. I have never liked the idea of cosmetic surgery, but I remember how much of that skin was left – in my belly, in my chest – and I will not want to spend the rest of my life with it. Also, if I do go through that, then maybe I can look at the surgery as a delineation point – WAS fat, AM slim. Maybe that will be the daily reminder of why I cannot eat like I once did.

    I have my check-in meeting with my diet buddy this afternoon. It will be our first meeting in three weeks – she was off traipsing around Yukon… if traipsing is something that one does in the Great White North. According to her words, she needs to debrief. I suspect that while my last couple of weeks have seen me down, she will not have been so successful. That is not uncommon when one is on vacation. I have already decided that when Leslie and I are in Cuba, I will be suspending my diet program. That does not mean that I will not try to eat sensibly, but I will not be taking meal replacements with me. I rather suspect that eating sensibly in the tropics, where fresh fruits and salads make up a good part of the diet, will be easier than eating sensibly north of 60°, where a head of lettuce can cost $20.

    For those of you who are wondering if it would even be possible to stay on my meal-replacements-only program at an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, the answer is yes… and I know that because I have done it. In 2017, when I first went through the program, Eduardo and I spent a week at the Be Live Turquesas resort in Varadero, which is only a couple of kilometres from the resort Leslie and I will be at. I had four meal replacement shakes per day, and whenever someone asked if I wanted a drink, or if I wanted to join them for a snack, I just told them I was recovering from a bit of a stomach bug, and I was taking it easy. I remember the fear when we went into Havana, and I thought that I had forgotten my shakes at the hotel (in Varadero). I was so relieved when I discovered at the restaurant that I had not in fact forgotten them. I do not plan to subject myself – or Leslie – to that stress. I will be eating in Cuba, and when I come back, I will continue from where I left off.

    It is interesting… when I started this journey (again), I was reading my old journals from 2017 and 2019 nearly every day. I stopped doing that after maybe ten days or so… but thinking back on that trip, I decided to open up my first journal. Days 26-34 were spent in Cuba, and I got through it. It is amazing to look back on a trip like that and realize that I lost 3-4 pounds during that week. Okay, it is hard to be precise, because I had only registered my weigh-in six days prior to the trip. The first time I went through the program, I did it through a hospital bariatric clinic, and was not getting onto a bathroom scale. I was only registering my weight when they weighed me. On Day 21 I had lost 33 pounds, and by Day 35 I had lost 41 pounds. For those of you keeping track, I am currently on Day 64, and have not yet lost the full 40 pounds… but I am not on the same strict program that I was on, and I cannot expect to see the same drastic results. Yes, I plan to achieve the same results (minus the long, slow descent back into obesity), but it will take longer.

    Tomorrow morning, I am driving to Montreal for the weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, but I am also looking forward to the relaxing alone time in the car. I will switch off between podcasts and the audiobook that I am listening to (remember when they were called books on tape? I am getting old!) and podcasts, and I will be smoking cigars as I like. I will do my best to not cheat on the program, which means that I will be taking a good number of meal replacement bars with me. Still and all, I know that I cannot follow the program the way I normally would, and I am hoping that when I weigh myself on Tuesday, I will not be more than a pound off from what I weigh tomorrow. Here’s hoping!

    While it is cloudy out, the temperatures are going to 11°c, and the wind does not seem so bad. When I get back from the tailor, I will be enjoying a cigar on the balcony.

    Have a great day!