Losing a part of me

Category: Progress

  • Day 224

    I hate leaving Dallas, only because it usually means I am leaving my Leslie. Fortunately, this time it is only for three weeks. I will be back in twenty-two days, which makes me happy.

    Last night, we decided to get dressed up and go out for a nice meal. We went to her favourite sushi restaurant, and with regard to my weight management program, we definitely splurged. It was our last night together, and it was our opportunity to dress up. She looked positively ravishing in a cute and flirty purple dress; when she does her makeup – I mean, when she goes all out – she is completely irresistible. We overate for sure, including a splurge with desserts. As we drove home I told her that even if I gained five pounds from the meal, it was worth it.

    As it happens, I did not gain weight. In fact, my weight this morning was back down to match the lowest weight I was at on the third day of my visit. Before I flew out here, I wrote that a victory would be to come back to Canada no heavier than when I left. Barring huge and unexpected somethings, I should weigh less tomorrow morning than I did a week ago today, the last time I weighed myself in Canada.

    I did not eat as well as I could have during this trip, but I also did not eat nearly as badly as I could have. I did not make any fancy (and fattening) breakfasts, and when I was not eating my (usually one) daily meal, I was primarily sticking with my meal replacements. I had only one alcoholic beverage during the week, although I did smoke a good number of cigars. While the anti-tobacco lobby may frown on that, there are no implications on my weight… at least, not negative ones. I have said since the beginning that as long as I am not snacking with them, cigars are a great way for me to not eat, often when I really want to eat.

    I should also mention that during this visit I also went on two great fitness walks, which likely contributed to my weight loss. I was surprised that I was able to push myself so hard in the heat, but I did… and it paid off!

    As I was checking in for my flight last night, I was told that it was overbooked, and I voluntarily placed myself on a list of passengers willing to be bumped to a later flight in exchange for compensation. This is the first time I can think of, with many hundreds of flights behind me, that I want to be bumped. That would not only mean that I might get to spend an extra day or two with my wife, it would also cover the cost of my next trip down here. Here’s hoping.

    Barring that, I am now five hours from being at home with my doggie. I love her and miss her, but yes Sophie, I would rather be with my wife. Please forgive me.

    Have a great afternoon folks!

  • Day 217

    As I approached the bathroom scale this morning, I was scared of what I would see. Just four days ago, I achieved the milestones of 320-pounds, and then all of a sudden, I gained nearly four pounds. All of my plans to fly to Dallas near 315-pounds vanished; my only hope was that I might get back near the 320-pound mark… which should have been a lock, and now was another goal.

    While the number on the scale was down significantly from yesterday (nearly 2.5 lbs), I was still above 320. Okay, that’s life. The more important number today is actually what I see on the doctor’s scale in an hour. I am hoping to have lost a full six kilos (A little over thirteen pounds), but anything over 5 kg will be considered a win. Of course, the next metric milestone that I have not confirmed on the metric scale is absolutely shattered – I will be well under 150kg this morning, and likely closer to 145kg.

    My suitcase is packed, and I am ready to go, but I still have to get through the morning. In a few minutes I will leave to go to the doctor’s office. I just finished writing instructions for the next 90 minutes to my TA, so I can go and not be on my phone trying to multi-task. That’s a relief.

    I just got off the phone with Leslie, who just dropped her son off at school. I really wish I could see him on this trip, but that is not in the cards. I’ll see him in September though, when I will be at least 25 lbs lighter than when he last saw me! It is weird that I use that as such an important measuring stick. ‘Yeah, he met me twenty-five pounds ago… it feels like longer.’ When so much of my focus is on weight loss, I suppose that is not quite so strange.

    —

    While I did not lose six kilos as I was hoping for, I said that anything over 5kg would be a victory, so 5.1kg is just that. I am relieved that it was not worse, and that I did not have to get weighed yesterday. I would not have met that threshold yesterday morning.

    As expected, my doctor was quite happy with my progress, and we had a good discussion, mostly about staying on course and being on the right track. He did check a couple of other issues that I was concerned about, even though I strongly suspected that they were in my head (which he confirmed). He is absolutely thrilled with my heartrate and blood pressure, which are both lower than I ever remember them being.

    I just brought Princess Sophie to the neighbour, who will take care of her for the next week. Leaving her behind is the only sad part of my going away, knowing that I will be with my wife for the next week. I thought about bringing her, but that will wait for a future trip. I suspect that the next time I take her to Dallas will be the only time I do, as it will be a one-way flight.

    Have a great day folks, and I will see you all in Dallas!

  • Saddle Up!

    I was extremely tired at the end of my work day, owing to the often-interrupted sleep I had last night. I felt a pain in my lower left shin, which could have been anything… or it could be nothing. I was unsure if the discomfort I had in my groin earlier in the week was completely gone, mostly gone, or was still there, and I had just gotten used to it. All this to say that I had every excuse in the world to stay in.

    I kitted up and headed out, hoping I could just do a few kilometres. Even as I approached Mainway Rd (less than a kilometre from home) I thought how nice it would be to return home. My first kilometre was 11m00s exactly, which did not bode well for a strong showing. By the time I turned up Guelph Line (3km into the walk) I was tired and hot… but did not feel the need to stop. Approaching Upper Middle (4km in) I had hit my stride, and decided to take a new route. By the time I was 7-kilometres into my walk I knew I could go longer, and kept up my pace. Despite that slow first kilometre, I had five kilometres that were between 10m16s and 10m20s, which is not only an impressive pace, but also speaks well to my form and consistency.

    • Distance: 10.01 km (9.03 km)
    • Duration: 1:44:36 (1:36:44)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:26 (10:42)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m16
    • Steps: 12.3k (11.7k)
    • Calories burned: 1,121 (1,073)
    • Elevation gain: 44.0 (40.0)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (120)

    I realized as I walked that my nice new Adidas shorts which I bought in Dallas are borderline too big for me, and they are going into the donation bag… along with several pair of pants that I pulled off my shelf this afternoon, having discovered to my delight that all of my Size-40 pants (except for the Levis jeans) fit perfectly.

    I have a long way to go. Even with my next two goals (first to 300lbs, and then to 260lbs, which will be my best weight in twenty years), I am over 20- and 60-pounds from achieving each respectively. I am over 100-pounds from my ultimate goal… whatever that final number will be. If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, then I am now eight months, 73-pounds, and hundreds of thousands of steps into my journey. I may not be there yet, but I can look back on where I have come from, then look forward to see where I am going, and know that I have made significant progress.

    As of today, I have dropped from a starting pants size of a 46” waist to a 40” waist… the shirts that I was embarrassed to wear because my belly was exposed are now too loose on me, and while my XL golf shirts are still a little tight, they are certainly wearable. I know that Leslie is proud of me, and I know it is weird to say, but it is equally (if not more) important that I am proud of me. Okay, both are really important!

    I am going to hit the shower, then I will call my wife to light the Sabbath candles. After that, a protein shake and a cigar are the order of the evening.

    See you tomorrow folks!

  • Day 204

    I was at the park with Princess Sophie by the time I realized that I did not feel any discomfort from my previous aches. I suppose I will keep an eye on things for another day, but I hope that I am out of the woods with that.

    Yesterday’s cheat was a handful of pumpkin seeds that I usually reserve for my salads, but which was a very fine nosh for my mid-afternoon pangs. My plans for today are to not do that… although knowing that I have a friend coming over for a cigar, I suspect that he will try to entice me to join him in a glass of whisky. I am probably going to tell him I am on antibiotics, and am unable to drink. We will see. He is a fellow cigar sommelier, and it is not often I get to sit and share a pairing with another trained smoker.

    My weight dropped by another .2 pound today; at this rate, it would take me seven weeks to lose five pounds, so I will continue to try to improve on that. Yes, down is still better than up, and yes, I remember that it is the downward trend, and not individual points on the graph that are important. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to resume my exercise regimen, and that will give my weight loss progress the kick in the pants it needs.

    We are now inside two weeks until my trip to Dallas, and I am thrilled that I will be able to see her again. I only wish it was sooner. Good things come to those who wait, sure… but I hate having to wait to see my wife. Hopefully in the next few months we will be able to sort things out so that I can move down there and we can be together permanently. Our Rectangle Zone dates are nice, but we both need more.

    HRF Princess Sophie is so gorgeous following her spa day yesterday! She loves her new coif, and was the belle of the ball (read: park) this morning. All of the doggies wanted to play with her. Can you blame them?

    Today is the final day of my current class, but not of my contract with this group. I am finishing up the networking lessons today, and will start on security tomorrow. I have a good group of students, and I am glad that I will be them through the end of this month. The paid contract does not hurt either… I miss having a steady paycheque, and these contracts keep me going until I can stabilize and start looking for steady work again.

    The forecast calls for a sunny day today and through the weekend, which should bode well for my fitness walking. I did not want to stop, but I have to worry about my immediate health before I concern myself with my future health. Preventing serious injury is a good reason to take a few days off, but I do want to get back to it starting tomorrow… especially knowing that tomorrow I am planning on preparing a steak for lunch, which will be my first red meat since my birthday, over a month ago.

    There is no doubt that my eating habits have changed, and I find myself eating significantly less red meat than I ever did, as well as more fish. I strongly suspect that when my active weight management program is behind me, I will not be going back to my old ways. Yes, I love a good steak… but I do want to eat healthier for life, which means it will be a rare indulgence, and not a regular part of my diet.

    Have a great day folks!

  • The Hairs on My Chinny Chin Chin!

    A few days ago, Leslie and I were chatting about my progress. She had looked at my before picture, and told me that I hardly look like the same person. She then pulled up a picture that we took on our first date, and told me how much slimmer my face is today than it was just ten months ago. I was thrilled that Leslie sees such a difference, and take it as an honest measure of my progress.

    She and I joke a lot that my beard is especially good for stroking as I think, and this morning I was thinking about something, stroking my beard as I do. I realized that something was missing… the rolls of fat under my beard that once made me look like I had several chins. It is not all gone, of course… I have over a hundred pounds to go before I reach my goal of being just overweight and not obese. There is no way that I could expect any body part to not have some fat, and I accept that.

    In order to stay motivated, we look for non-scale victories, and this is a big one for me. I am really happy with it, and will continue to look for them… and work toward them, because there is no way that any of them will happen on their own. I have to continue to eat right. I have to continue to exercise. I have to stay on track and keep my eyes on the prize. Only by doing that will these non-scale victories come… and eventually not only transition from morbidly obese to obese, but then to overweight, and eventually – one day – to healthy body type!

    I posted earlier that I was thrilled last night to see muscle definition in my legs, and that is a real non-scale victory that comes from the combination of weight-loss and exercise. Unless there has been a discovery that I am not aware of, there are no exercises one can do to lose weight in your face and neck, which means that progress is based solely on the weight loss.

    When I first tried to lose weight nearly twenty years ago, I went to Weight Watchers. One of the tools they liked to use was to show what certain weight loss milestones meant. A pound was demonstrated by showing a pound of butter. Ten pounds was a large bag of flour… and so on. It is not as easy to visualize what seventy pounds looks like. I did a quick image search on-line, and did not really find anything suitable. Then I searched ’70-pound dog images’ and came up with Labrador Retrievers, Boxers, and Bulldogs. Imagine that I have lost the equivalent of one of those.

    With that said, if you want to know what it feels like on my body to be that much slimmer, try this: Pick up a seventy-pound Labrador Retriever. If he or she is amenable, put him or her into a backpack. Go for a walk. Then put the doggie down gently, give them plenty of treats for cooperating, and walk back to where you started from. You feel it? That’s what it is like to lose that kind of weight.

    My children have a German Sheppard named Thor who weighs 95-pounds. I still have to lose a little more than Thor’s body weight before I am slim, but I have made progress, and recognizing that is one of the best ways to continue on the right path. Having a loving and supportive wife who stands by me and encourages me is another, and likely more important than everything else.

    Of course, my doggie, Her Royal Floofness, Princess Sophie, weighs in at a whopping sixteen pounds. Since July 11 (a little under four weeks ago), I have lost her body weight. As such she maybe a wonderful companion and a terrific friend, but when it comes to substantial weight loss, her body weight is not really an indicator of significant progress. I would be remiss, however, to discuss dogs without mentioning the best dog.

    I have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. The only way to measure success is with scales and measuring tapes, along with the size of my clothes. With that said, the best way to continue achieving success in those measurables is for me to see progress in my non-scale victories.

  • Day 199

    Tomorrow will mark the two hundredth day since I made the decision to lose a lot of weight. It was and is a daunting challenge that cannot be taken lightly. When someone is twenty-pounds overweight, they can cut out alcohol and bread for a few weeks, or cut out desserts, or whatever it is that someone who has a relatively minor amount to lose will do.

    My intention – what I needed to do in order to be healthy again – was to lose roughly half my body weight. To put that in terms that will show how unrealistic that felt at the time, I needed to lose the equivalent of a UFC Light-Heavyweight. Look up the current champion, Glover Teixeira, and then think about what it means to lose his entire body weight.

    While I am nowhere near that goal, this morning I hit a milestone; I have given myself more short-term milestones by measuring at home in pounds but at the doctor’s office in kilograms. This morning’s milestones are both in imperial weights – I am both seventy pounds down, and at the quarter milestone of 325.0-lbs. It was an exciting number to see on the bathroom scale readout this morning.

    My friend Eduardo is coming over for a cigar today, and I am going to ask him to take a picture of me in the exact same spot and pose I took my before pictures. I look forward to seeing myself side by side with what I looked like in mid-January. He is coming around 2pm, which means that despite it being a weekend, if I am able to go for a walk, my schedule will not be too different from my working weekdays, in that he will be here until around 5pm, and then I will have a meal replacement shake, and then I should be able to go out around 5:30pm.

    I say in the previous paragraph ‘…if I am able to go for a walk.’ The if is because this morning I am feeling my legs. I have pains in my shins, and no they are not shin splints. They are simply my legs telling me that I am exercising much harder than I have in a couple of years, and that I am doing so while carrying 110-pounds of excess weight (according to the body fat scale app I use, my lean body mass is actually 116-pounds less than my current weight). They are not telling me that I am overdoing it… but that I am approaching that threshold and I should be aware of it.

    While I had set my goal yesterday for a fifty-five-kilometre week, I gave it a bit of thought last night, and again this morning. Fitness walking every day without respite might be overdoing it. I might try to walk 10-kilometres today (making for fifty-kilometres in the past six days), and then taking a day off tomorrow. I am not making any decisions… it will depend on how I feel if I am able to go out for my walk this afternoon, and then how I feel afterwards.

    I will say that over the last couple of evenings, I have noticed muscular definition in my legs that I have not noticed in a long time. It is great to see and feel the progress which results from the combination of eating less and exercising hard. Even on a day with great scale-related victories, those non-scale victories are huge for me.

    Numbers are great; I know numbers, I trust numbers. My emotions need to see progress though… what do those numbers mean where the rubber meets the road. It is nice to know that I have lost the equivalent of a tweenager, but actually seeing the muscular definition was a great boost for me. If I was tempted to succumb to temptations this weekend, that put an end to it. If I am on the fence this afternoon about going out for my fitness walk or not, that will help me to make my final decision.

    I am looking forward to the day because my friend is coming over. Leslie was worried about me when I was shutting myself in and not seeing or speaking with any of my friends. While my state of mind is greatly improved, I am coming out of my self-imposed isolation at a more comfortable pace than could have been. I saw Lyle and Dorothy last weekend; I will see Eduardo today. I am not looking to have a seemingly endless string of get-togethers, and I have not initiated any phone calls or message threads (although I have started accepting calls).

    Tomorrow my son or sons and I are going to Costco, which should be fun. I asked my son the elder last weekend if he wanted to, and when he agreed, my son the younger asked if he could come. That does not mean that he will, but I hope he does. I love seeing them, and watching them grow. Of course, it will usually be an expensive outing for me. I am happy to pay for their groceries on top of my child support, but it can be pricey. No matter, they are worth it. I will also take the opportunity to pick up vegetables, and anything else I might need for the house. Nothing comes immediately to mind, but if I see something, I’ll pick it up.

    The weather forecast for today is sunny and hot. It will not be nearly Texas-hot, but that does not prevent Environment Canada from issuing a heat advisory. As such, if and when I do go out, I will make sure to stay well hydrated along the way.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 197

    It could not last forever. After a seven-day streak of my weight dropping (by nearly six pounds), this morning it was up… and rather significantly, if not disastrously. Yesterday morning the numbers were flirting with crossing a major milestone, which this morning is a full two-pounds away. I know I will get there in the next few days, but my hopes of crossing below 325-pounds this morning were dashed, and I am now a full two pounds from that goal. Tomorrow is another day, right?

    There is a tendency that I remember from my first ever true attempt at weight loss, maybe eighteen years ago. It was not uncommon for me to cheat on a particular day, see no ill-effects the following day, and then see weight gain on the second day. Likewise, if I had a really good day, I might not see weight loss the next day, but the day after I would drop.

    All this to say, I am wondering if the numbers on the scale this morning might be reflecting the bag of popcorn I ate on Tuesday. It probably is not, but it will be interesting to watch for going forward. I know that I has very good yesterday, and my only cheat was a Japanese biscuit after lunch. That was followed by a seven-kilometre walk that saw my fastest cadence (steps per minute) recorded yet.

    I am thrilled that Princess Sophie had, for the first time since Saturday, a solid bowel movement this morning… after sleeping through the night for the first time in that time. Her Mommy and I have been very worried about her, and I was planning to take her to the vet on Saturday if she was not better by then. I am still going to keep a close eye on her for the next few days, but I am hoping she is better. I will say that she had a helluva romp this morning, first with her friend Charlie, and a few minutes later with Lewis and Louis. While she has not lost her playfulness in these last few days, I still see it as a good sign.

    I had another wonderful video date with my wife last night. She is such a wonderful woman, and I am really not liking this long-distance thing. When I am down there in a few weeks, we are going to have a serious discussion about how to remedy that as quickly as possible. Because of the immigration issue, it will not be overnight… but however quickly it can be, we both really want to be together. I love that I can see her every night, but I hate that I cannot hold her in my arms. It is time to figure out the ultimate solution so that we can be together forever.

    My plans for the day are to stay the course. With the exception of the popcorn the other day, I have been good, and the results have been obvious. I am currently three kilograms slimmer than I was on my last official weigh-in day, which is far and away the best two-week loss I have had since I started getting weighed at the doctor’s office. Of course, owing to my teaching schedule I will not be back for another weigh-in until August 24, which is nearly three-weeks from today. I am hoping that in that time I can lose another three kilos, and hear the doctor say to me ‘Is this right?’ He has known me for fifteen years and knows that I can achieve anything I set my mind to; he has also seen me stagnate, and he has certainly seen me falter a number of times. He is a nice guy, but I am not trying to make him happy; I want him to be impressed because of my success, I do not want to succeed to impress him.

    While my heel is reminding me that I might want to change out my footwork, I am not feeling any other ill effects of my working out. That includes my ankle, which did not seem to bother me when I took Her Floofness for her walk this morning. I note that for two reasons. The first of which is the obvious and immediate… yes, I am feeling better, and I can plan for a good walk this afternoon and not have to worry about taking time off for injury.

    The other reason is because I remember back to my first few walks, and then to the first few where I pushed myself. After all of those, I would come home and nearly collapse in place, avoiding falling into bed only because I was disgustingly sweaty. The following day, I would feel my muscles aching with the reminder that they were not used to being used, and needed time to heal. While I certainly can feel in my leg muscles that they are recovering from the walk, I am raring to go for another one this afternoon after class. That is a sure sign of real progress, and a real non-scale victory.

    Adding to that NSV is the fact that I am walking better. I do not mean when I am pushing myself to exercise, rather when I am walking down the street, taking Princess Sophie for a walk, or whatever. Even walking through the supermarket, I feel lighter. It is, frankly, exhilarating. The phrase ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet’ comes to mind, knowing that as I continue to lose weight, my stride will continue to improve.

    It is good for me, on days when I am disappointed by the numbers on my scale, to remember how far I have come, and how sluggish I was just seven months ago. Forget that, just a couple of months ago I was still strides behind where I am today. For reasons I cannot recall, the other night I reached down between my legs from behind with one arm, and was able to clasp my hands through my legs… without my enormous belly getting in the way, and without the pains of ‘fat bodies do not move like that!’

    Don’t get me wrong… according to the numbers, I am still morbidly obese. Hell, according to what I see in the mirror, forgetting the numbers. According to the charts I look at online, I am still a good twenty-five pounds away from a promotion from morbidly obese to simply obese. According to those same charts, I am roughly one hundred pounds from simply being overweight. Those numbers are daunting, but they are also the goals that I am setting for myself.

    If it sounds like I am getting down on myself, let me assure you that I am not. I am being realistic and using that to encourage myself to keep going. I will not lose one hundred pounds in this calendar year – that is simply not realistic, and if it is, there is no healthy way to do so… at least, without surgery (either stomach surgery or limb amputation). However, rather than saying ‘It has to be done this year’ I say ‘I want to do it, I am committed to doing it, and I am willing to be patient with my progress knowing that I am doing the best that I can.’

    So, what is realistic for this calendar year? We are in the eighth month, and I am 7.5 months into my weight loss journey. I have lost nearly seventy pounds in that time. Another seventy pounds is not realistic… but would it be doable to lose another forty pounds in the remaining months of the year? That would take my weight loss to about 110-pounds, and would bring my weight down well below the 300-pound mark. That is possible. Now, if I stick with my regimen, it is possible that I could lose even more… but I am not going to get myself excited and set myself up for failure. Yes, it would be nice to get down to 260lbs, but doing that by the end of this year – or even by Day 365 (January 19, 2023) is a lofty goal. I will get there… but I will get there when I get there.

    Leslie and I had a conversation last night about my weight loss that resonated with me. She has been encouraging me to lose the weight, but at the same time, I know that she was attracted to me when I was at my heaviest. She made it clear last night (although not for the first time) that she wants me to lose the weight because she wants me to be healthy, because she wants to spend as many years as possible with me. I want that too. I want to be able to live a long and healthy life with her, and losing weight (and getting back into shape) is a huge part of that. I do not want to find myself ten years from today with a pacemaker and a bland diet that is medically prescribed lest I drop dead of another heart attack. I want to live a long life with her… and I want to be able to eat whatever I want!

    Over the weekend my friend Eduardo is coming over for a cigar, and I am going to ask him to take a picture of me exactly where and how I was standing when we took the ‘before’ picture on the day I started this journey. I look in the mirror today and I still see a fat man, but with all of the progress I know I have made, I am looking forward to seeing those two pictures side-by-side. Yes, I will post the two on my blog for the world to see… but I am not doing it for them. Leslie sees my progress, and it is easy to see so many ways that I have improved these last seven months. It is important for me to stop seeing myself as a fat man, and start recognizing the huge improvements I have made… even on days when I cannot see positive changes from day to day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 196

    While the popcorn yesterday was not a great idea, I am happy that it did not seem to hinder my weight loss progress. I am down sixteen pounds from the day I flew from Dallas to Toronto, and ten pounds down since my birthday. On that measure, it is important to know that in the week following my birthday I actually gained five pounds, so the loss is even more meaningful.

    Her Royal Floofness is still not at 100%, but she seems to be getting better. Two other dog parents today said that if she is under the weather, she is hiding it very well. She is playful and active and happy… and has diarrhea. Even after we went out right before bed at 11:30pm, she asked to go out again two hours later, which interrupts my sleep but it also limits the amount of cleaning soft poop off the floor I have to. It also gives my girl the dignity of not having to have accidents in the house. If this persists for another day or two, we will go see the vet to make sure it is nothing serious.

    It is intriguing to me that I was able to walk nine kilometres yesterday without issue, but when I took her out (four times through the evening and night) my ankle was hurting. It is something I will have to pay attention to for the next little while. I do not want to stop walking, but at the same time I do not want to damage my ankle to the point where I have to stop walking.

    My class went well yesterday. I am really enjoying working with this group, and hope that the company is impressed enough to keep me on their roll of trainers to reuse. If I can continue to prove myself useful to these companies, I will be able to continue to earn a decent living doing something that I really enjoy.

    Have I mentioned how much I love my wife, and how badly I miss her? According to my countdown app, in twenty-one days, eleven and a half hours I will be disembarking the airplane in Dallas, and once I collect my luggage we will be together again. Really, the long-distance thing is not working for me. We have to find a way to be together permanently… and we will. In the meantime: in anticipation of my upcoming visit with her, I ordered a case of meal replacements to her place. Yes, I could shlep the shake packets from here to there when I visit, but that is counterproductive for a number of reasons. For one, I will eventually (as I did the last visit) forget to bring them, which will mean I have to break my routine. As well, buying them in Canada requires underground transactions on the grey market, whereas in the US I buy them off eBay… and I never have to worry about them being expired.

    Yes, it is true… despite the fact that I will be ‘on vacation’ while I am there, I plan to stay true to the program. Losing weight is hard, but establishing good habits is harder. What is easy is falling out of those good habits back into an old and unhealthy routine. Do you want to know how demoralizing it is knowing that because of just a couple of tiny mistakes that snowballed, I went from 260-pounds in September, 2020 to 395-pounds in January, 2022? How about knowing that I have fallen like that not once, but twice? Were it not for the love of a wonderful woman, I do not know if I ever would have been brave enough to try again.

    Yes, those are the numbers. That was my highest weight in January of this year… 196-days ago. Since then, I have not done everything I can and stayed true to the program, but I have lost a tremendous amount of weight. I am about seventy pounds down from my worst weight. At the same time, I am about sixty-five pounds up from my lowest (best) weight which was twenty-three months ago. I have a long way to go until I get there, but I am committed to getting back there… and then to losing even more. I want my wife to see what I look like slim, not from pictures of me in my early twenties, but in her arms. Two hundred and sixty pounds is not slim, it is slimmer… and I have to take one step at a time. It would be great to reach my goal of being actually slim by my fifty-first birthday, which gives me eleven months to lose another 115-pounds. I might need longer, but I have to keep trying to keep at it, lest I fall off again and end up where I was again. I cannot think about that… it is too depressing, and just the thought induces anxiety.

    Today will be a chicken day; I went shopping yesterday, so I have enough chicken and vegetables to last me a few days. Yesterday I decided to shake things up a little, using a fat-free salad dressing in place of the usual oil and balsamic vinegar that I usually dress my salads with. It was good, and I lost weight, so I might do that again today. We will see!

    Environment Canada has issued a special weather statement warning that the temperatures will be extremely high for the next couple of days, with daytime high temperatures reaching 33°C, and the humidex reaching 41°. For my American readers, that translates to 91°F with the humidex at 105°F. Yes, it is hot… but it is nowhere near as hot as Dallas, where 105° will be the straight-up high temperature, with humidity of 65% (as the humidex is a Canadian measurement, I could not easily find it for Dallas. Trust me, that is freaking hot!). Ankle permitting, I will go for my walk this afternoon… but I will be paying special attention to drinking every kilometre, and not just ‘when I think of it,’ which is usually the case.

    It is hot and sunny today, and Princess Sophie and I decided we will keep the patio door closed in favour of the air conditioner, which is set at a balmy 74°F. I am wearing a short sleeve shirt so it can get a bit chilly, but for the most part it is very comfortable.

    Speaking of short sleeve shirts, I have a non-scale victory to report! Last night while video-chatting with my wife, she asked me which shirt I was wearing. Of course, she had seen it a hundred times before, but she did not recognize it because it was so loose! Likewise, the pants that I am wearing, which three months ago did not fit at all, are also very loose, and for the first time I eyed the bin of clothes the next size down this morning. I am not quite ready for them… but I can start thinking about it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 194

    Down is better than up. When it comes to losing weight, most experts, pundits, and observers tell you that you should not weigh yourself every day. I have in this space gone into details on that before, but it is the general consensus. It is not so much that I buck the trend as much as it is that I am just that kind of guy, and I want to see every day whether I am losing weight or not. On the days that I am, I am happy. On the days that I am not, I review the previous day to see if there is a reason why – something I did that might explain not losing or even gaining weight – and try to adjust my behaviour for the next day. If there is no reason why, then I remind myself that weight loss is not linear, and what is important is the downward trend of weight loss over time, and not the individual points on the graph.

    This morning, my weight was down from yesterday… very slightly. Following a four-day streak that had me down 3.4 lbs, the loss of only 0.2 lbs could be seen as insignificant. That would be wrong, for two reasons that I called out in the previous paragraph:

    1. While it may not be the individual points on the graph that are important, several points on that graph make a trend. Five days of 0.2 lbs down is equal to a pound lost.
    2. When losing weight, down is always better than up. That loss of only 0.2 lbs may be seen as minor, but it is still down, and down is better than up.

    There are so many opportunities in life to gain weight. It is the psychological game, the constant reminders of things that you would like to eat but cannot. Avoiding temptations that are constantly in our face is so difficult and yet it is one of the cornerstones of weight loss. Yesterday afternoon I sat with a couple of friends on their porch, and they told me they bought me something. It turns out they bought me a package of Hebrew National sausages, which are of course kosher. I had originally planned that yesterday’s meal would be fish, but in the early afternoon decided that I was not in the mood for fish and would instead buy chicken. Either of these are options on my diet that I am familiar with, can control, and which are quite healthy. While the sausages might be lower in fat and whatever other macronutrients, I also know that there is no such thing in this world as a healthy hotdog. I accepted them gratefully and put them into my freezer for a day when I want and deserve a special treat.

    The sausages were not my only opportunity to cheat yesterday. In fact, they were not even close. Driving to and from their house in Hamilton, I passed myriad restaurants that called to me with Buffalo wings, shawarma, hamburgers, pizzas, and more. Forget that Bulk Barn is along the way, and I could have stopped in for a handful of peanuts (or so many indulgences that are far worse). When I got to the supermarket, I bought lettuce and onions and chicken… and having to pass through the prepared foods section and bakery to get to those is never fun. How easy it would be to cheat in the breads section alone? I wouldn’t need the fancy pies and other desserts to satisfy my cravings when fresh rolls were just as delicious… and just as evil.

    The other day I was thinking to myself how terrible traditional media is for a dieter, with every restaurant and unhealthy food staple being advertised with great imagery. Even the radio commercials paint a picture of the wonderful and terrible foods that I want but cannot eat. If you turn off the radio and television, you cannot drive down most streets without seeing a billboard or an ad on the side of a bus that shows temptations. If you can steel your mind to those, just walking into a supermarket to buy the healthiest of foods requires walking past the unhealthiest. It is no wonder that dieting is so difficult, with temptations at every turn. It is worse in the United States than in Canada, but it is no picnic here. If anyone asks why losing weight is so difficult, the reasons are everywhere… because marketing is everywhere, and nobody advertises salads.

    In the end, I did indulge yesterday. I feel bad about it, but I stopped at Bulk Barn and bought a very small handful of peanuts – they cost me $0.77, taxes included – to eat on my way to Lyle and Dorothy’s. To compensate for the added calories, I cut out one meal replacement. Previously when I was eating peanuts every day, it was in addition to what I was supposed to be eating. To quote a line from the movie For Love of the Game: “A lot of little bottles equals one big bottle.” Yes, I had about 250 calories worth of peanuts yesterday, but I had them instead of a meal replacement. Is it a habit I should be in? No. Is it a way to mitigate the affects of cheating once in a while? Yes. Even so, I will not make a habit of it.

    I still did not go for a walk yesterday. My intention was to try to go after I got home from my friends’ house. Owing to the sleepless night, I did not feel that I would have been safe walking. I could hardly walk a straight line down the hallways of my building. I hope to resume my walking today. While Princess Sophie did need to go out once in the night, it was only once… unlike the previous night which was completely lost due to her upset stomach. I will wear my bigger shoes, so as to not aggravate the already aggravated blisters on my heel, and I might limit my distance… but I will walk today.
    Before I do that, I have an entire day of teaching to get through… and of avoiding temptations.

    Have a great day everyone!

  • Day 193

    It was a very hard night last night. I suppose it started in the afternoon though.

    First things first, I had breakfast with my boys. I followed my original plan and ordered the Peggy’s Poached with a second egg. It was only when my son the younger could not finish his meal that I strayed from the plan. I had another piece of toast with his eggs. He tried to give me his sausage link as well, but fortunately my son the older intervened, reminding him that I do not eat pork. Indeed, I would not have eaten that. There is a difference between eating too much of something that I am allowed to eat (both for my diet and for my religion) and eating something that is completely against one or the other of them.

    When I left the restaurant, I had nearly 90-minutes before my scheduled haircut. I knew that if I went home, I would have to take Princess Sophie out… and then leave her again. Most of the time, she is saddest when I leave, but once I am gone, she spends her time relaxing. We have seen it in action… she lounges about quietly and comfortably, often for hours… but as soon as she sees my car pull in, it is showtime. She puts on an act as if she had been desperately crying the whole time I was gone. It was easier to just go straight to the barber and have a cigar outside while I waited patiently.

    As it happens, yesterday was the day that I should have come home. For the first time since she came to Canada, and only the third time ever, Princess Sophie had an accident in the house. With dogs it is always difficult to tell if they are having soft stool because they are sick, or because they ate something that disagreed with them. I took her out immediately, and then came home to clean up the mess. For those of you who are wondering, this is where the hard night would begin… even though I did not know it at the time.

    We went to bed at a reasonable hour, after a nice video date with the missus. She had been out a couple of times in the afternoon which is usually plenty for her… but she is a good girl who is very good about telling me when she really needs to go out, and so at 12:10am I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and took her out. There was more soft stool, but I would not really have qualified it as diarrhea.

    When we came in, we went right back to bed. Only Her Floofness did not stay in bed. She jumped down within the next hour and did a lot of walking about the apartment. Twice I got out of bed to check on her, and to try to bring her back into bed. Both times she stayed for a few minutes, and then jumped back down. While she does this from time to time, I only really settle in when I know that she just decided to sleep on the couch, or in her bed. When she is walking about, I listen intently for signs of distress, and I cannot turn that off.

    It was a little before 4:30am when she actually came into the bedroom to tell me she needed to go out again. If you want to know what an excellent communicator she is, she knows how to do this soundlessly. There is no barking about, but she makes herself clear… and I try to listen every time. As I was getting ready to take her out, I noticed she had another accident in the kitchen. I would clean that up when we got home again.

    After that trip outside, we slept for three whole hours – the first sleep I got – before she told me once again at 7:30am that she needed to go out again. I was just hoping that when we came back in, I would be able to get a little more sleep. Once again, there was diarrhea, but when she was done, she saw her friend Charlie and was playful and frolicking like normal. This is usually a sign that yes, she is under the weather, but she is not sick… she just ate something she shouldn’t have. Charlie’s mom and I thought it might have been some of his puppy food, but apparently, she did not eat any yesterday. That she was not caught eating it does not mean that she did not, so we won’t know.

    I did get nearly one more hour of sleep before she told me that she needed to go out once more. I suspect that this time, which produced only a miniscule amount of waste, would be the last time… unless she really is sick, at which point it will likely resume once she eats again. I am hoping that is not the case.

    I did not try to go back to sleep again. By now it was 9:15am, and I am resigned to the fact that I had to get up and do my thing. I will try to get to bed early this evening so that I am not a complete zombie during class tomorrow. With that said, I will be keeping a close eye on my girl, and if she shows any signs of distress, I will take care of her.

    The number on the scale this morning was extremely positive; it took five days to recover from that unfortunate spike, but my weight is back firmly into new-best territory, after a 1.6-pound drop from yesterday. I am not discounting the possibility that my interrupted sleep skewed the real numbers (that is a real thing), and I have to remember that the individual numbers are not as telling as the trend. With that said, down is down, and it always feels good. Knowing that I am now below the weight that I was the day my father passed away (which is essentially the day I stopped trying to lose weight on my last attempt) is nice. Knowing that I am still 20-pounds heavier than I was the day that I first heard the name of my wife gives me another goal to strive for.

    The blister on my foot is worse than it was yesterday. Last night I removed the bandage and did not replace it. Had I known that between the time I did that, and the time I would sit down writing this with my second cup of coffee, that I would have put my sandals on four times to walk 2500 steps (with the leather strap of my sandal rubbing against the healing blister) then I would have replaced it immediately. I did replace it this morning of course, and I hope that I will feel fit enough to go for a good long walk this evening – my first in three days – without any discomfort. I might beat myself up for not taking care of myself, but I also have to remember that when I removed the dressing last night, I thought I had eight hours to let it breathe and heal. No.

    It is looking like another beautiful day in Burlington, Ontario. The forecast reads sunny with a high of 33°C, which means it will be a perfect day to sit with a friend smoking a cigar. It has been more than two weeks since I have socialized with anyone. While I have enjoyed the solitude (and really needed it because of things that were going on), I am by nature a social being who enjoys seeing my friends. After lunch, Princess Sophie and I will head to Hamilton to spend the afternoon with Lyle and Dorothy. I am on the fence about taking her with me, but I would really like to keep an eye on her to make sure she really is feeling better.

    Have a great day folks!