Losing a part of me

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  • Day 286

    I was certain that after yesterday’s 2.6lbs drop, my weight would creep up a little bit today. In fact, it dropped. As well, my BMI, that devil of a number that confirms that yes, I am indeed obese, dropped to 39.0. I continue to be excited by my progress, especially as the numbers on the scale continue to creep closer to the magical 300lbs mark.

    I mentioned the last couple of days I was having a bit of a blockage issue. That finally passed this morning, and I had my first healthy bowel movement of the last few days. I expect that was a contributing factor to my day-over-day weight loss, in addition to my mostly sticking to the program yesterday (there were some peanuts, as the evidence was discovered by my sleuthing wife).

    Lyle and I were talking about food yesterday. He is a gourmet chef and has also been losing a lot of weight recently. We discussed the bad rap that fatty food has always gotten, and how the sugar lobby convinced the world (and the US FDA) that fat was the real enemy. All the while, it was simple carbohydrates and sugars that are the real villains. With that said, I am amazed that I got from one end of the Halloween season to the other without being tempted by any candy. I did not buy any to give away (which is good, because nobody knocked on my door), and I did not partake in any of the giveaways that were offered to me over the last few days.

    I remember one Halloween a few years ago when I was living in my apartment in California, the first year of the pandemic. I bought a big bag of miniature chocolate bars, and while my buddy Tam and I sat on the balcony smoking cigars, we would toss them to kids (and adults) passing by. We probably ate a few of them as well… this was in the first month after I fell off my weight management program, and I did not yet realize that I was falling back toward the pit of morbid obesity. Last night, I sat outside on the balcony after 7:30pm with only a cigar… and a video date with my wife. All in all, it was a much healthier Halloween than 2020 was.

    I woke up this morning to the very sad news that my downstairs neighbour passed away last night. She has been very sick for the last couple of months and went into hospice care ten days ago. Her dog Bella was always the mean kid on the block, barking at Princess Sophie like she might intimidate my girl. Still, we know she was a good doggie (if not well behaved). Her mom Wendy welcomed me to the neighbourhood before anyone else, and I will miss our chats when I would be coming in and she was sitting on the patio. Charlie’s mom and I were lamenting how fast it happened, how someone can go from ‘not feeling well’ to ‘riddled with Cancer’ to ‘dead’ in two months. It is another reminder to be grateful for what we have, because G-d can take it away just like that.

    I am going to head back to Lyle’s house this afternoon again. While it is cloudy and a bit foggy now, the sun is forecast to come out around 2pm, which is when I’ll head over there. The forecast for the next few days is sunny and warm for the season, and we Canadians do not take for granted warm weeks in November. Yes, I wish I had a job… but I am going to make the most of this time in the meantime. We will smoke a cigar in Wendy’s memory.

    With Halloween behind us, I am hoping that people respect the next eleven days, and do not start decorating for Christmas until after Remembrance Day. Of course, it would be nice if they could hold off until after American Thanksgiving, but that is a lot to ask for. I am not against Christmas, but I do believe that we should be able to remember our fallen soldiers with dignity and solemnity, and without grinches and santas and whatever else jumping out everywhere. Of course, some will say this makes me a grinch. Fine. Get off my lawn.

    The stitches in my finger are not bothering me. What is bothering me is having to wear the bandage on it. I removed the old bandage yesterday and put on a fresh one; in fact, I went through this exercise twice, because I did a shoddy job the first time… and because there was blood seeping through it. Here’s the weird part though: the blood was on the opposite side of my finger – that is, the side that was not sliced and sewn back up. There was no indication of damaged stitches or bleeding, but there was a bloody bandage. Maybe that was a Halloween thing, who knows? I will continue to keep it wrapped and as dry as possible for the next week and will ask my doctor to look at it when I see him on Monday. I expect that by then I should be mostly healed.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 285

    Based on my cheating yesterday at Ryan’s house (which proves, once again, that I have not yet broken my relationship with food) I suspected I would be writing a very different entry for today’s journal. Instead, here is what I have to say.

    In March 2021 my best weight was 305.6lbs. It was on March 1 that Leslie and I both started training on a team where we would work together… and fall in love. It was March 3 that I weighed my best. By the day that she confessed her feelings for me, some four months later, I had gained 40lbs. By January the next year, I would gain another fifty pounds. Leslie did not fall in love with me because of my body; I have never once doubted the sincerity of her love for who I am. While our relationship has also experienced some highs and lows over the past year, our love for one another has never been a question.

    Several weeks ago, I realized that at some point my weight would drop below what I weighed last March… and that going forward, every best-weight-ever recorded would also be the lowest weight at which my wife has ever known me. I know she loved me (and was attracted to me) at my heaviest weight, although she was as frustrated as I was by my limitations based on my enormous size. It was during her last visit to see me in 2021 when I decided that I was going to start my weight loss program again in January.clip_image002 It took a few weeks longer than I had hoped – I originally planned (as everyone does) to start January 1 – but I did eventually get going. Through the best of times and worst of them, Leslie has supported me, has encouraged me, has loved me. I have felt that every failure was not only me failing, but it was also me disappointing her. Maybe that is why after a bad fight in July, I decided to redouble my efforts to lose the weight.

    As you can see from the graph that I included, my weight loss has not been a straight downward line. Rather, it has a lot of peaks and valleys. It goes up a bit, it goes down a bit. The important thing, as Leslie consistently reminds me, is that the overall trend is significantly downward. What has no ups and downs is Leslie’s love for me. Yes, there have been times when she has been furious with me… she has never stopped loving me. That is one of the reasons I keep going… not only on my weight loss program, but in general.

    Today, for the first time since the week we met, I weigh less than I weighed that fateful week. I am officially the lowest weight I have ever been since the gorgeous woman who is my wife has known me. I see that as a huge milestone, possibly moreso than the upcoming milestone of dropping below 300lbs (for the first time since February 2021). I have been looking forward to this more than that for the simple reason that the 300lbs milestone is just a number; it is a meaningful one to be sure, but it is only that to me. The weight I was when I met Leslie is a shared comparative milestone which symbolizes my willingness to continue improving myself for her, because her love is worth it.

    —

    I spent yesterday at Ryan’s house watching football and smoking cigars. That was expected. I cheated on my weight management program; I cheated way too much. I had peanuts (which are not the worst thing in the world, although these were salted). I also had some bar nuts (which were coated in some sugary something), as well as some pretzels that had peanut butter in them. I was ashamed of myself, and I remember thinking that eating like this will destroy any progress I have made. What I should have been thinking about was my suit. Leslie reminded me yesterday before I went to Ryan’s that I want to fit into my suits… so that I can impress her. Yes, that is what I should have been thinking. I have to get past the not thinking when I put food into my mouth. I have to remember why it is that I am trying to lose weight. I also have to remember how hard it has been to lose this weight… now 90lbs. I never want to have to go through this again, so I cannot slide back into my old ways.

    Some might think that there is a subliminal connection between my punishing myself for cheating and the trip to the emergency room I had to take last night after I sliced open my finger. In truth, that is unlikely. I was distracted by something for a moment while cutting vegetable for my salad and ended up needing five stitches in the middle finger of my right hand. I was not punishing myself but there is no doubt I reminded myself to focus while wielding sharp knives. The upside of the whole debacle is that I did not end up eating my meal (I asked my neighbour, who was also looking after Her Royal Floofness, to take the chicken from the air fryer, as well as the vegetables on my counter, and put them in the fridge). I got home from the hospital around 11:30pm, and I was not going to eat a whole meal that late at night. Instead, I made sure everything was put away properly, and I had a meal replacement bar. Had I eaten the meal, I would not have achieved the two milestones I did this morning (I also dropped below 305lbs).

    My plans for today are to visit with Lyle for a couple of hours. We will have a cigar on the patio, and he wants help moving something to the kerb. When I agreed to help, I had all ten fingers, but I suspect I should still be able to manage with nine and a half. I love my friends, and anything I can do to help is usually my pleasure to do.

    I do not know if my weight will jump tomorrow, but I suspect it will. I do not know if it will go above 305lbs, but I really hope it does not peak above the 305.6lbs mark, which is the Leslie-mark. I know that she won’t be upset about… but I would be. In other words: I have to stay on track today!

    Next stop: the 300-pounds milestone!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 284

    I was hoping to start out today’s entry declaring a huge milestone. Alas, despite not doing too badly on my program yesterday, that will have to wait at least a day, and maybe two or three days. Owing in part I suppose to the minor constipation I am going through these last two days, my weight this morning was up 1.2lbs, taking me once again just out of reach of my next milestone.

    The plan for today is to drive out to Cambridge to visit with my buddy Ryan. We will smoke cigars, shoot the shit, and watch football. Ryan is a huge football fan, and although his favourite team (Buffalo Bills) are not playing until this evening (by which time I am sure we will have left), his father’s favourite team (Dallas Cowboys) are playing at 1:00pm, and I am sure there will be some hooting and hollering during that contest. I don’t care, as long as I can smoke my cigars. I will bring my darts with me, and in case someone wants to play (there are usually a couple of others in the smoking garage aside from Ryan and his dad).

    I will do my best to stick to the program today, although I know there will always be plenty of opportunity to cheat when I am at Ryan’s. I will take a couple of meal replacements with me… just in case I am tempted.

    I do want to mention that once I press the publish button on this article, I will be notified that I am on a 58-day streak posting to the blog. There was one day a couple of months ago when I did not post, but with the exception of that day, I have posted daily every day for 284 days. This includes days when I was in the deepest depression, thinking I was going to lose everything. It includes days when I was so emotionally broken that I knew I was not just falling, but diving head-first off the wagon. It includes days when I was traveling, whether to (or from) Montreal, New York, Ottawa, Dallas, California, or even Cuba. It includes Jewish fast days, and Jewish feast days. There was a time when I wrote daily because I liked seeing those streak numbers get higher (yes, before breaking the streak on September 2, I was on a 225-day streak). In truth, I write every day as a way to stay consistent. On my worst days and on my best days, on days when I do not veer from the program and on days when my program goes completely out the window, I write. It is a habit, something that I do every morning, mostly wedged between taking Princess Sophie for her morning walk and making my first cup of coffee (and breakfast meal replacement), and before I start my day (whether that be working or not).

    The habitual writing provides me a consistency, something that I do every day, and reminds me every day that I am on my weight management program. It is that alarm clock that reminds me that ‘Yes, I am on the path to losing weight, and yes, I will continue to try today to stay on that path.’ I feel that it has kept me on track. Even when there have been days when I have fallen completely off track, the following day is a day to not only reflect on what I did wrong, but it is also my reminder that I am on a long journey. Spending a few minutes writing (my son and stepson would correct me that I am actually typing) in my journal every day gives me an opportunity to start fresh that day. If I have any chance of achieving all of my goals, then that is what I need to do. However well or poorly I might have done the previous day, I have to start fresh today. That’s why I write.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 283

    My stress has not really abated from yesterday, but I at least did get a mostly good night’s sleep. Following my morning rituals, Princess Sophie decided to extend our walk to a longer route than usual, which is not a bad thing. I would have thought that I got more than 2,000 steps in it, but that’s life. I don’t mind.

    Yesterday’s food intake was somewhat more than usual, but not terrible. I did take my son for lunch, and he did want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ordered a salad with chicken (no blue cheese, no bacon). They brought it with bacon, so I sent it back. It eventually did come, as my boy was almost ready to leave. It took us quite some time for them to bring us a box for his leftovers, during which I did eat the two small pieces of chicken and some of the lettuce. I realize they are not known for their salads, but even for a wings joint, this salad had the words half-assed all over it. Whatever.

    I dropped him off and then came home and made a proper lunch. So really, the two pieces of breaded chicken on the salad would be fairly considered a cheat. In the evening, I also ate the challah (with peanut butter, which is not strictly part of the religious obligations), and I drank the kiddush wine (less than an ounce). Still and all, I went to bed thinking that these cheats would end me, and that when I woke up, my weight would be at least a pound up. In fact, despite not being able to poop, I was down nearly one full pound… .8lbs is a good one-day loss, especially knowing that I thought I was going to be up.

    That whole ‘I had this, so I probably ruined my diet’ routine is due to the psychological damage I have suffered over the years. Some of that was self-inflicted, some external, but a lot of it was parental. I am fifty years old, and it has been thirty years since I lived with my parents. I am not going to blame my parents for anything; I am obese because of myself, and not because my mother was a terrible mother. That does not change the fact that the psychological damage I live with is real. I have to try to understand that I can lose weight without the incessant extremism of the program that I am on. Yes, that program is important to my progress, and no, I do not think it would be a good idea to drop the program now, thinking that I could just eat reasonably and always make good decisions. I know that cheating in moderation is possible and acceptable. I also know that, without placing any blame or pointing any fingers, I developed and continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. If I am not careful, I will make bad choices. I might go a few days eating well and I might even lose a couple more pounds… but my history is clear that I will start to slide, and I will lose my footing, and will eventually fall back into old habits. No, staying on the program is, for now, the right way to go.

    Reading this last paragraph, you might ask yourself if I plan to stay on my program forever? No, that is absolutely not my intention. Right now, I am living alone. Once I am living with my wife, it will be easier. I also hope that by then I am at a more reasonable weight. With all of that said, I know that at some point I will likely need to find a therapist who can help me, because I know I am a food addict, and I will always be… but alcoholics do not need to drink anymore, and I can’t stop eating forever. I need to be able to deal with the addiction, and with the other psychological aspects of my psychosis.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 282

    I actually followed the program pretty well yesterday, save for a handful of peanuts. I cannot complain, knowing the stress and anxiety I am living with right now. I did not sleep very well, but none of my troubles are because of my weight management, which the bathroom scale showed me down .6lbs, putting me squarely back into the Best-Weight-Ever category. A few more days of this would be nice. Of course, knowing that I am taking my son the younger for dinner this evening might be a bump in the road, but I will do what I can.

    I am looking forward to saying the Sabbath prayers this evening. I am hoping that the request I usually make – to bring peace and joy into the hearts and minds of my loved ones – will extend to me this time. I certainly do not feel peace or joy in my mind this week.

    Three weeks from today, I will be anxiously preparing to drive to the airport to pick Leslie up. It truly does suck being apart. We are newlyweds after all, and we are supposed to be together. Don’t get me wrong, the time that we do spend together is magical… but the time apart is very difficult for both of us. It is harder on Leslie I suspect, for so many reasons… but it is very hard on me as well. I love her and I miss her, and I truly do count the hours until we are together.

    Plans have just changed a bit. I will be taking my son the younger for lunch instead of dinner. His schedule is very confusing… he slept all day yesterday so I could not take him for dinner last night, but he is… forget it; I do not understand what is going on, so I cannot explain it. Suffice it to say, I am going to take him for lunch. I do not know yet where he is going to want to eat, but I am betting it will be somewhere quite diet unfriendly. I will happily suffer to spend time with my son, not eating if I have to. I will take a meal replacement bar with me in case his choice makes it impossible for me to eat anything reasonable, and when I come home, I will make my meal. In the event we go somewhere I can only have a salad, then I will still come home and make my chicken.

    Leslie got a huge accolade from her company today, congratulating her for five years of employment. I am so proud that in the face of all that she went through, she was able to come out the other side, be accepted back at the company as a full-time employee again, thrive. It is hard for any woman to succeed in the technology field; how much harder for a woman who has been kept down at home too. I will never do that to her. I will boost her up and celebrate her successes and laud her accolades. She deserves each one because she works so hard for them!

    I bought a shirt on Facebook Marketplace yesterday. It is a long sleeve cold-weather workout shirt that is from the same company as one that I used to have, but the colour is much nicer… not to mention it does not have a giant black ink stain on it. Fashion aside, it is a size XL (the old one was a XXL) … and I bought it without trying it on, knowing that it might be tight. It fits perfectly. Even three months ago I would have never bought a shirt without trying it on… especially not in a size that I had not fit into at all recently! In other words, another non-scale victory!

    I did have my meeting with my diet buddy last night. She is so excited and so scared about her upcoming surgery. I am not sure if I am more worried about the major surgery, or about the fact that she is flying to Mexico (and Tijuana of all places) to have it done. I have considered having a dental crown done in Cuba, but that’s a tooth… not invasive surgery. I am going to say a few extra prayers for her. We have one more meeting before she flies, and I am glad that I can be an outlet for her anxiety. She referred to it last night as ‘buyer’s remorse’ but I do not think that is what it is. She is scared, and that is understandable.

    Okay, I want to do my daily Torah studies before I head out and pick up my son. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 281

    Yesterday was one of those days that had the potential for me to go off the rails on my program. I got some very disturbing news, and it really upset me. If it was not for the unwavering love and support of my wife, I do not know what would have happened. I am relieved that the only transgression from the program yesterday was a bag of popcorn… and it was the last bag that I had in the house, so that should not be happening again.

    The results of staying on track? My weight dropped 2.4lbs, which is exactly how much I gained two days ago from my post-vaccination cheat splurge. I am still .2lbs from my lowest weight (which I recorded Monday morning, before that splurge), but if I stay on course today, I will hopefully be back into the best-weight-ever territory either tomorrow or latest by Saturday.

    I did not join the gym yesterday as I said I might. That is still in the plans, but yesterday was not a good day… it was a day to sit on the balcony and smoke a cigar and to reflect on what happened. It was also a day to renew my Microsoft ‘Expert’ certification, which was set to expire November 8. My certifications are part of my professional credibility, and I do need to maintain them to stay relevant. The renewals are not nearly as difficult (nor as regimented) as the actual certifications are, and I was able to finish it in less than thirty minutes. It is the second renewal that I did this week – the other being for my ‘Associate’ certification, which would have expired October 30. Getting these out of the way took a bit of a load off my mind indeed. I expect that in the next week or two, I will probably try to earn a couple more certifications… but that will depend on a lot of factors.

    Charlie came over for a visit today, which means that I will not be going out until it is time to pick my cleaning lady up from the train station. The weather might or might not be conducive to a cigar on the balcony – we will see how I feel – but I do know from last night that it is time to start using the patio heater. I also invoked (for the second time in a week) my mantra that if I am not enjoying a cigar, I should not be smoking the cigar. I threw out the cigar I was smoking a little past the halfway point. I should have lit another one, but I decided to step inside to warm up. It was only then that Princess Sophie told me that she wanted to go out for another walk, and so we went… we would have spent longer outside, but we saw the massive skunk (it must be the same one from the other night… unless there is a family of gigantic skunks living around here) so we both decided to come inside.

    I really miss my wife. The other day I was sitting on the porch with Lyle, and he told me that he understands why… that when he drops Dorothy off at the train station in the morning, he misses her terribly, and that is knowing that she will be back in the evening. How much worse must it be, he asked, knowing that when Leslie and I part, we will be apart for a month every time. He is right, it is agony. I miss her, and she misses me. We can only hope that the US State Department does not take too long processing our visa application. The sooner we can be together, the better.

    I joined the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) last night. I am far from retired of course, but my wife was making fun of my age (she is nearly a decade my junior), and I realized that if I joined, she would automatically become a member as well. There are discounts associated with the membership, so I figured ‘why not?’ It was just something to do… and I suppose it is just one more card that someone wants me to carry around in my wallet.

    I am not sure if today might be my last regularly scheduled meeting with my diet buddy before she goes for her surgery. We might have a couple more weeks, but I will have to ask her about that today. I am really hoping that things go well for her. I am also hoping that I do not fail yet again and find myself wanting to follow in her footsteps. I really want to lose all the weight I have to lose in a healthy manner, and a non-surgical one. I know that my prolonged obesity will have made lasting changes to my aging body, but I want that to be the extent of it; I do not want to make any surgical changes to my body. As I might have mentioned the other day, my ex-wife seems to have overtaken me in the number of scars, and I do not want to try to catch up again.

    It is time for me to get on with my day, so I will close here… have a great day folks!

  • Day 280

    I was hoping that despite some minor cheating yesterday, I would have recovered at least some of the weight that I gained after my Covid-19 vaccine cheat day. No joy. My weight is actually up by .2lbs, which means that I am still under 310lbs… but any weight gain tomorrow will blow that. I have to be good today.

    Something else that I have to do today is go to the supermarket. I finished the last of my coffee this morning, which means that if I do not want to be in a really bad mood tomorrow, a trip to the store is in the cards. Additionally, I have had shirts, pants, and a sports jacket that I have been meaning to drop off at the dry cleaners since I got back from Texas, and the drycleaner is adjacent to the supermarket. Two birds, one stone.

    Princess Sophie went to Sue’s for a playdate today. I do not know how long she will be there, but I am happy that she is enjoying her play date with Charlie. I suspect that I will be able to enjoy my lunch unmolested… although in truth, she does not bother me and she eats all of my chicken cartilage… from her dish, not from the table.

    I am going to have a relaxing day, but today might be the day I finally join the gym. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 279

    I guess it was going to happen. After my vaccine, I found I was ravenous. I had crackers (the last of them) and pop chips (the last of them) but that was not enough. I was going to make myself a proper chicken meal, but I realized I had frozen all of my chicken. The large pack would not fit in the microwave to defrost, so I put it in the fridge to start on today and defrosted a steak. I could have kept eating but thank G-d I pulled myself away from the table and grabbed a cigar. The result? A 2.4lbs spike on the scale this morning. I stayed below that 310lbs milestone, but not by even half a pound.

    I will do better today, and the weather is helping. To look outside, that might sound strange… It is a typical autumn day, but with heavy fog that is supposed to lift in the afternoon. I have a haircut booked for this morning, and Lyle was going to meet me there after I was done so that we could smoke a cigar, and then have lunch next door at Son of a Peach, a very good pizzeria. Instead, we are going to meet at his house at 2:00pm… after the fog lifts, but also after I have had my lunch, which will be what I am allowed to eat on my program. We will enjoy our cigars on his patio, and I will not be having a second consecutive cheat day.

    Yes, I overdid my cheat yesterday, and I paid for it dearly. I suspect though that a lot of the 2.4lbs that I put on overnight is from the salt and water retention, which means that if I am good today, I should have a significant drop on the scale tomorrow morning. Either way, if that is the only ill-effect of the vaccine (well, and the injection point achiness) then I’ll take it and run. I did think I was getting the flu shot as well, but the technician at the pharmacy did not know anything about that, so I let it go… and called my doctor to make sure I could get it on my next visit, two weeks hence.

    My ex-wife texted me this morning to tell me she was in the hospital, having had an emergency appendectomy last night. She assured me that our son the elder and her partner are taking care of our son the younger. I told her that if she keeps it up, she will surpass me in the number of scars. Hopefully I will not be much competition going forward, knowing that the last of my scars is over twenty years old.

    Okay, it is time to head out to the barber. This afternoon I will be heading to Hamilton, but not before I come home for lunch… and Princess Sophie is explicitly invited to smoke with us, so I will be collecting her as well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 278

    Another mostly good day to report. Yes, I did have some pop chips, which are not exactly on the program, but which are also not the worst transgression I could make. Aside from that, I was on track. I had a pretty good lunch, a couple of meal replacements in the afternoon and evening. I relaxed most of the day, which is to say that I sat on the balcony, smoking cigars, and watching James Bond movies. I did not go for a walk. I am having trouble getting my heinie in gear again. However, I have decided that I will join the gym this week. That will motivate me!

    I did not go to the doctor’s office to get weighed last week because I was teaching. Unlike a couple of previous times, I did not have the time to give the students labs and tell them I would be back in an hour. I was way behind on my schedule, and I did the right thing in not trying to fit that in. As such, I am going today. Normally, I like to go before I have had a morning meal replacement (or even coffee), but I did not make the call to schedule my visit until this morning, so they want me to come in at 11:15am. Okay, I can do that. On my last weigh-in, I was at 143.5kg. I am skeptical that I might drop below 140kg, but that would be amazing! Frankly, even if I weigh 140.5, I will be pleased.

    Yesterday was a massive day for non-scale victories. I was thinking about how I feel about myself and decided that I wanted to check in to see how close I am to fitting into my custom-tailored suits and shirts from five years ago. I was floored when I realized that not only did the shirts fit, but they were not even tight! The buttons were not pulling at all! I tried while I was on the phone with Leslie. She watched, and we celebrated! My sports jacket from that time is tight, but wearable. What does all of this mean? Aside from being a huge NSV, it means that when Leslie comes to town in a few weeks, I will be able to take her out wearing a suit that fits! Whatever bad thoughts I have had, this really perked me up and gave me the motivation to keep going. My next goal is for these suits and shirts to not fit me anymore because they are too big… but that is still a long way away.

    The more I succeed, the more I realize I can succeed. At this point, it is extremely likely that 2022 will be the year I lost 100lbs. What would be amazing, and I think this will be my ultimate goal for the year, would be to lose 50kg in the year. That converts to 110lbs, which means that I am still about 22lbs away from it, with a little over two months to go. Of course, in those two months we have the holidays, which means that temptations will be everywhere. We also have the coming of winter, when I will no longer be eager to head outside to walk (hence, joining the gym, which I might even do today). Can I lose 22lbs in that time? I don’t know… but I am going to try my best!

    I am off to the doctor’s office for my weigh-in. I will continue to write when I am home, if only to report back on my progress!

    Weight: 140 kg (down 3.5 kg, down 37.25kg overall)

    A weight loss of 3.5kg in 39 days? I could certainly have done better. How about in 39 days that included a month on the road (between Dallas and Southern California) where I was tempted to eat more and worse every day, despite the encouragement not to by my lovely wife? How about throwing into those 39 days another week of weather-related sadness and work-related stress and anxiety? I think we can change the first sentences of this paragraph to read: ‘A weight loss of 3.5kg in these 39 days? I could certainly have done much worse!’ In short, I will take it!

    I should also remind myself that I did not weigh in first thing in the morning, before meal replacements and coffee. We should also point out that today’s was the first weigh-in since June that I wore long pants and not shorts. Those two factors could easily account for another kilogram. One way or the other, I am making progress. I am down, and I am happy about it. Earlier in the article, I mentioned that if I weighed 140.5kg then I would be happy. I beat that by an entire half kilogram. Woohoo!

    It is time to continue on with my day. I went to the supermarket and picked up tomatoes and celery to add to my salads, and I have chicken in the air fryer. After that, I suppose I will enjoy a cigar on the balcony before heading over to the pharmacy to get my Covid-19 booster and my flu shot. Who knows? I might even walk over there.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Self Love

    Several months ago – either before or shortly after I started my weight loss program – I was speaking with my girlfriend (now my wife) and I told her that I hated myself. I told her that when I looked in the mirror, when I put on a 3XL shirt that was tight or did not even fit, when I could hardly walk my dog three blocks without needing to lie down when we got home, I was completely disgusted by myself. This upset her, and she told me that I needed to work on loving myself. It was obviously a much deeper conversation than that, but if I were to ask her if that was an accurate synopsis of the conversation, she would accept that it was.

    I started my weight loss program on January 20th. As I write this, it is 9:30pm on Sunday, October 23… two hundred and seventy-seven days later. I do not know for certain what I weighed that day because my bathroom scale is not accurate in that range, and the scale at my doctor’s office maxed out at 350lbs. I estimate I weighed 395lbs, and that is the number I am using for my progress benchmarks.

    Today, ten months and three days into the program, I look back on a lot of successes, and a lot of failures. I have had weeks when I was nearly perfect on my program, but I have had a lot more cheat meals and cheat days than I care to admit. I know that had I stuck to the program religiously, I would be a lot slimmer today than I am. I also know that had I given up on the program, I would be back to where I was. I never want to be there again.

    Leslie has done a tremendous job of encouraging me along the way. While she has told me that she would always love me (and I believe it), she also knows how important my weight loss is for me… and that if I did not (and do not continue to) lose weight, the long life we want to have together would be much shorter. When I write in my journal that I am having a bad time of the program, she asks if she needs to kick my ass. She is very encouraging of every new challenge, and every milestone I hit.

    The question came to mind earlier this evening: Do I love myself yet? I suppose the better question would be: am I still disgusted by what I see?

    Knowing all of my failures and cheats, let’s review my progress so far:

    • Lost ~85lbs
    • Down from a tight 3XL to a loose 2XL golf shirt
    • Able to out-walk my dog… and have in the last month been able to walk 15km in a day
    • Eating significantly less… and making better choices
    • Intimate performance has greatly improved
    • My belly does not hang out of any of my shirts
    • Jackets that I could not come close to closing at the beginning fit perfectly… and while I am not yet ready to wear my custom-tailored suits from five years ago, the jacket is now a tight but wearable fit

    I could list many more improvements, but I think the most telling is a story that happened just two weeks ago. Leslie and I went out for Mexican food on the penultimate night of my latest trip to Dallas. When I came back to the table from the washroom, I told her that I looked in the mirror and saw a much slimmer man than I was expecting… I was used to seeing a morbidly obese man looking back at me. Now? I’m still fat, but I am looking better.

    I still do not love my body. It is hard to explain, but despite how long it might take me to stop being fat, I suspect that psychologically it will take much longer to stop thinking that I am fat. I like myself better than I did ten months ago, but I have a long way to go before I love my body again… if I ever did. Long before I was actually fat, I was taught by my mother to hate my body. It did not matter that I played high school and college basketball; it did not matter that I served (with distinction) in the Army. I was taught that I needed to lose weight… which meant that I was fat.

    The psychology of weight loss is complex. I do not know if I will ever look at myself and be happy with my body. There is so much discussion of how women have been taught to be ashamed of their bodies, but with men it is much less out in the open. I think that at a certain point, I am going to realize that I cannot do it alone, and I will need to speak with someone. Leslie is wonderful but I think that anyone with a history like mine would need professional guidance to feeling good about myself.

    To be clear, I feel much better about myself today than I did a year ago, or even six months ago. Better is not Good. I need to learn to feel good about myself. When will that happen? I don’t know. It would be nice to fit into my Army uniform, but will that do it? I don’t know. I only know that I am on a journey, and it is a difficult one. I have come so far… but I have so far to go. That is not only around my waist, but in my head. I thank G-d daily that I have such a helpful partner. Now if only I could be a better me.