Losing a part of me

Blog

  • Day 304

    Yesterday was a very divided day. It was always going to end wonderfully, as I picked Leslie up from the airport. It is so wonderful having her back in the Rectangle-Free Zone! Her plane landed early, and she was in my arms by 11:00pm. That is where she belongs!

    Unfortunately I got some bad news yesterday midday. My ex-wife called me and told me that our son the elder had a seizure and was in the hospital. We still have no word on why, but we are praying for the best. The fact that I was able to deliver the remainder of my class in a semi-competent and coherent manner speaks to… something, I don’t know what. I will say that it was exhausting, trying to stay focused on IT security while my mind was entirely elsewhere. Hopefully my students were satisfied by the delivery, but I know I could have done a better job.

    After class, I waited for Leslie to get to the airport in Dallas, and we lit the candles and said the prayers over WhatsApp. I hoped that they would bring me calmness but was obviously praying for my son. I think I was crying as I read the benedictions that I have recited thousands of times without a thought. When it was over, I devoured the challah with peanut butter. That, and a couple of biscotti-thins at Eduardo’s later in the evening, accounted for the sum total of my cheating… and must be the reason I once again gained nearly a pound this morning.

    I am wondering if my knee inflammation – which is huge, and excruciating – might have something to do with my weight gain this week. Yes, it is preventing me from exercising… but it is also extremely inflamed. I do not know how that works and am going to assume it is not, but it might be partially to blame. Who knows? Not I.

    Once again, the pain disturbed my sleep last night – worse than ever. I decided yesterday morning to wear a knee brace for a couple of hours to see if it helped. I know from past experience that wearing one all day increases the pain. By the time I removed it midnight was in the rear-view mirror, and there was no comfortable way to lie down. I did fall asleep for a couple of hours, but once I got up to pee, there was no position that worked. I finally got out of bed, knowing that sitting up is less painful than lying down. This is something else I do not understand. I sat at the kitchen table for an hour before realizing I have a perfectly good couch, and I did manage to get another 30-40 minutes of sleep before having to wake up to pick up my son the younger.

    Theresa called me when she got home from the hospital last night and asked me to pick him up at 7:30am so she could return. The original plan was for Leslie and I to pick him up and take him for breakfast. When I came in from walking Her Royal Floofness, Theresa called and told me he had not slept well and wanted to come to my apartment to sleep. That is exactly what happened, and he is fast asleep in my bed. The Princess goes into the room every few minutes to see that he is okay, but he has not moved in over an hour. I do not know how long he will sleep, but Leslie and I are content to be together and keep our voices down. We never had plans to go out today (we might have, but nothing was planned), and neither of us takes issue with a quiet and lazy day at home… especially knowing it is Holy Crap Degrees Below Zero outside. To wit, when I came in from the walk with HRF, I touched her face to kiss her with a hand that was never out of my leather glove, and she freaked out from how cold it was. Yes ladies and gentlemen, winter has arrived in Southern Ontario.

    When my son wakes up I assume he will be hungry, and we will all go out for lunch. We will let him decide where, but I am not driving to Buffalo Wild Wings… he can pick any restaurant he wants, as long as it is in Burlington. As it happens, if he was not here today, I would likely be sitting in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic, because after last night it is now clear to me that I need to have a doctor look at my knee. Spending an hour with my foot on the gas pedal is not going to happen. Wherever he decides to eat, I will be good. I want my weight to be slightly lower tomorrow morning, and not slightly higher.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 303

    Up nearly a pound today. Yuck. Yes, the weather has had me down, and my bum knee has prevented any serious activity. Neither of those were reasons to cheat yesterday. I decided to buy popcorn for when Leslie is here… and I indulged in a bag. This, after munching on some peanuts and dried apricots on my way home from the grocery store. BAD MITCH.

    What matters more than anything is that Leslie arrives tonight! I am so excited! I am really looking forward to finally having her back in my arms, and not in the Rectangle Zone where we have spent the last month on video chats. In preparation, I did laundry – my bed sheets needed to be changed, and there was a load of laundry already sitting in the dryer that I took the opportunity to fold. I bought only the provisions required to make her breakfast tomorrow, as I know that we love grocery shopping together. I finally got around to wrapping the Channukah presents that she will take back to Texas with her, and I included with that pile a Chanukkiah (candelabra) so that she and her son (my stepson!) can light the candles with me from Dallas. I have to remember to point out that the best way that I have found to clean the leftover wax out from the previous evening is with a flathead screwdriver… and I did my best to clean it out for her. I am ready for my wife to arrive!

    I thought I was going to have to get up at a ridiculously early hour this morning, but late in the afternoon yesterday Eduardo called and cancelled. He had been worried that his smaller car would not be big enough to hold all of his estranged wife’s luggage for the drive to the airport, but his son was able to get all of it in without too much trouble. While I was happy to help (even though it would have made today a very long and difficult day for me), I was relieved when he told me I did not have to wake up at 3:30am to start my day. Not to confuse sleeping until 6:15am with sleeping in, I was nevertheless able to start my day at a reasonable (and pre-planned) hour to go through my morning routines, including taking Her Royal Floofness for a walk to the park. Well, for me it is still a stumble/limp to the park, but my knee is a bit better than it was yesterday, and my girl was able to play with some friends, romp in the fresh snow, and do all of her business. She will likely have a playdate with Charlie today, but Sue will confirm that in the next hour.

    With the returned normalcy to my day, I will go to Eduardo’s after class this evening (after lighting the Sabbath candles). We will smoke a couple of cigars, and we will commiserate. His original thought last week was that he would be celebrating his estranged wife’s departure, which effectively ends their marriage. I told him that as Jews we do not celebrate the death of an enemy in war, we take the time to think on what that other person (even our most hated enemies are people too) have given up. It should be the same with the ending of an unhappy marriage. While they may not have been happy together, they did once care about each other to get married. He agreed, and so tonight we will not celebrate, but we will look back… and look forward.

    From Eduardo’s I will drive to the airport! I will pick up my beautiful wife and for the first time in just over a month I will be able to hold her in my arms. I miss that so much, and it feels like much longer than a month since she dropped me off at the airport in Dallas. Our physical separations cause me physical pain, and I know she feels the same. Each separation – whether a few days or a few weeks – is harder and harder, but the reunifications are so sweet! The anticipation may well kill me though… I still have fifteen hours to wait before I get to see her.

    This evening, right after class, I will call her, and once again we will light the Sabbath candles. We will say the benedictions over the candles, the wine, and the challah. Once again, I will say my prayers sincerely asking G-d to deliver peace and joy to all of my loved ones. I think this week, more than many, my loved ones are in need of it. I think maybe I am too.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 302

    I lost 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, which is a good bit of progress. These last two days I am down 2.4 lbs. It is still only about a third of the more than 7 lbs. that I gained in this recent slide, but positive progress is better than the alternative. I have written before that you can claw your way to losing five pounds over the course of a week, and then ruin it with one good (really bad) meal. Positive progress is slow, but regression can come too quick.

    My knee is still aching terribly, but if I am not mistaken there might be a bit of improvement over yesterday. It is still stiff and painful, but it might be less so than yesterday. I am hoping that trend continues. I have been giving a lot of thought as I lie awake at night thinking about the workout that probably did me in. I knew as I was doing them that the knee extensions were hurting me on that leg, but I did not want to back down. I will be very careful about anything around my knees going forward. Hopefully it is getting better, but I will continue to ice it and take the anti-inflammatories. If it is still bothering me on the weekend, I will go to the clinic.

    I got a call from Eduardo earlier today asking me to drive his estranged wife to the airport tomorrow. She needs to be at the airport for 5:00am, which means that I set an alarm for 3:30am. I will be going to sleep very early this evening. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day! I am picking Leslie up at the airport at 11:00pm, which means that I will not be in bed before 1:00am. A 22-hour day would have been common a few years ago, but not anymore. Fortunately I will be able to sleep from 6:00pm to 10:00pm after my class (and after walking Princess Sophie). Otherwise, I am not sure I would be able to manage it.

    It is mid-afternoon, and I have not cheat-eaten yet. I had my chicken and salad for lunch, and after my class, I will have a meal replacement. It would be nice if tomorrow morning I am down another two pounds, but that is reaching. I only hope to keep inching my way back to my best-weight-yet territory, but I am more than four pounds away from that, so hopefully by Monday.

    Today’s entry is late, and tomorrow’s is going to be extremely tired. I strongly suspect that tomorrow will be a two-pots-of-coffee day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 301

    I lost nearly one pound from yesterday, and while that is certainly progress, it is very slow progress. The only cheat I had yesterday was some homemade chicken soup. I know a lot of people will agree with me when I say that it is unfair that medicine (Jewish Penicillin) can hinder weight loss. At least my weight dropped back below the 310 lbs. mark.

    My knee is still in a lot of pain. As I lay awake last night, I thought of the exercises I did at the gym last Thursday and Friday that might have caused it, and I figured it out. The pain is not the fault of my trainer, it is the fault of her client who pushes himself harder than might be smart sometimes. I have to remember the difference between ‘in pain’ and ‘injured’. I also have to remember that I am not a 22-year-old kid trying to be the best in the world anymore. Before I realized that it is almost certainly muscle pain from the workout, I took a Tylenol with Codeine last night. I do not know if that helped me get to sleep, but I did sleep through the night, only getting up once to pee… and while I did not fall right back to sleep, it was not more than fifteen minutes.

    It snowed yesterday during the day, but by the time I took Princess Sophie on her walk yesterday evening it had all melted. It snowed overnight, and that snow is fresh on the ground… and covering the trees and the cars. As such, Her Royal Floofness took about fifteen steps outside, looked at me, and said ‘Nope. Let’s go inside and wait for spring!’ Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad… but she was truly having none of it. She peed a bit, but whereas most days we go on a 2000-step walk, today we did not get out of the parking lot of the building. I am hoping that she does not get impatient during the day and beg to go out – I am teaching all day, and during lunch my ex-wife and I have a meeting with a school psychologist about our son the younger. If one of the neighbours knocks and asks to take her out then absolutely, but other than that, my girl is going to have to wait until class is over to go back outside. Hopefully by then the snow will have melted.

    Today is Wednesday, which means that we are two sleeps and a wake from having my beautiful wife back in my arms. Yes, I truly miss her that much. Despite knowing that I will not have attained the weight I was hoping for leading up to her visit, I know she loves me anyways… and did when I was nearly ninety pounds heavier. I will love her always!

    As expected, Her Floofness is now with Susan for the day. Hopefully she will get to go out once or twice. Hopefully it does not snow any more today, and she remembers that winter is a part of life in Canada. I know that she is looking forward to moving to our new home in Texas as much as I am, but for different reasons! It might snow one day or two in a year in Dallas… not quite like Canada’s winter.

    My plan for the day is to keep on track as well as I can. Because I have a meeting with the school psychologist at lunch today, I will be having my daily meal in the evening (early evening, as soon as I finish teaching). I will have a couple of meal replacements throughout the day, but there will be no other cheats today!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 300

    I was thinking this morning of those funny high school yearbook entries: Goal: Be a good lawyer. Probable: Need a good lawyer. Things like that. I thought of that because I remember just a few days ago saying that I was hoping that by today (Day 300 on the weight management program) I would be under 300 lbs. Instead, for the first time since October 21, I weighed in at over 310 lbs. That is just wrong! No, there is no way that with what I have eaten this week that I should be up seven pounds. While I know that I have cheated these last few days, I have not cheated anywhere near seven pounds worth of cheat. I am frustrated, and I am pissed off.

    Yesterday would not have been too bad, but I decided to get a bag of rice cracker chips at the store. Big mistake, but it was a moment of weakness. My second cheat? I heated up a can of Chunky Soup. My throat was killing me after a long day of lecturing (and several nights of sleeping badly) and I hoped it would soothe my throat. For the record, it tasted lousy.

    Looking at this slide, there is no chance that I will drop below the 300-pound milestone by the time Leslie flies in on Friday. Hopefully that means that I will be able to celebrate hitting that milestone with her while she is here. The way I am feeling now though, if I look at a piece of bread my weight will shoot up another four pounds. Maybe if that’s the way it is, I should just fucking indulge. I should go have those Buffalo wings. I should go for Chinese food, eat a steak, whatever. Maybe I am just not meant to be slim, and I do not have the willpower to eat nothing but three fucking leaves of lettuce per day, which on days like today is what it feels like I have to eat in order to stay slim. Fuck that.

    No, I am not giving up. I am not diving into a cheat day, although I really wish I could. I am going to try to stay on track, but I am angry and pissed off and frustrated and disillusioned. If I could think of any other adjectives of feeling bad, I would likely feel those too.

    To add to my bad day, my knee (the right one) has been in serious pain these last two days. I suspect it has to do with the workouts I did with Kezi last week. I don’t know how much help the pain killers I took last night were, but this morning I added an anti-inflammatory. I am also sitting at my desk with an ice pack on it, hoping that within a day or two I can walk properly again.

    On a day with very little positivity, I can at least share one bit of good news. I slept pretty well last night. I was asleep by about 10:00pm, and while I did wake up to pee, I got back to sleep reasonably quickly. The only thing bothering me was my knee, not my psyche, which has been the case these last few evenings. Hopefully this trend will continue for the next few nights and was not a one-off due to sheer exhaustion.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 299

    There are some days when you have no choice but to cheat on your weight loss program. Yesterday was such a day. I was picking Lyle and Dorothy up from the airport and driving them home. They were coming home from Italy, and I had joked with them to bring me a pizza. I could not believe it when they did! Rather than coming home from the drive and having a meal replacement, I had a slice of cheese pizza. It was a pretty big piece, but I did not think it would do too much damage.

    I was wrong of course. Over the past four days my weight has skyrocketed. Where I was hoping to stay below 305 lbs. a few days ago, I am now relieved to be just slightly below 310 lbs. and I am extremely upset about it… doubly so knowing that I am working all week and will not get to the gym at all. I will have to redouble my efforts to stay on track with my food intake. That is actually going to be easier this week than it was last week, as I will be teaching.

    The weeks when I teach during the day are the easiest ones to stay on track with. After my morning routine (which starts earlier because I set an alarm to wake up) I am at my desk by 8:00am (7:30am on Day 1 of the class). During our morning break, I will prepare my salad, and get the chicken ready to cook. About 30 minutes before the lunch break, I will walk into the kitchen (while still lecturing) and turn on the air fryer, so that by the time it is time to break for lunch, I can enjoy my meal in a relaxed fashion. While I might enjoy some mints or lozenges during the day, there is no other opportunity to eat.

    When the class is done, I will take Her Royal Floofness for her second walk of the day – that is, unless one of the neighbours asks to visit with her, at which point it might be the third or fourth walk. I will come back in after that and have another meal replacement. The rest of the evening is mine to relax. I suspect that I will need to go shopping this evening, as I think I am going to run out of lettuce with lunch. All I have to do when I go to the supermarket is remember that I am six pounds heavier than I was Friday morning. If I do that, my eyes will not be tempted by the myriad temptations available at the store. Oh, and I should check to see if I need milk.

    To continue the pattern of the last few nights, I did not sleep well. I fell asleep just fine, but once I wake up to pee, falling back into slumber eluded me for a long while. I have too many thoughts racing around in my head, and I cannot figure out how to put them aside. Try as I might, the second half of my nights have been much less restful than the first half. This has been going on for a few nights now, and I am paying the price for it during the day. I am tired… almost constantly. Fortunately, Leslie will be here in four and a half days. I always sleep better when she is next to me. For many reasons aside from sleep, I am literally counting down the hours! It is 110 hours as of right now, for those who might be curious. I cannot wait to have her back in my arms again.

    I should write a few words about the weather. Friday it was 21° and sunny. This morning for Princess Sophie’s walk I donned my ski jacket for the first time, as the temperature was hovering around 0°. I was even thankful that my leather gloves were in the pocket, else I would have had to keep my hands in the pockets the whole time. The calendar might say that winter arrives on December 21, but every Canadian will tell you that the accompanying weather comes much earlier than that. There were snow flurries yesterday, but only a couple. It would not do for the cold and the snow to come in one jarring moment, so I was grateful that at least the skies are clear today. Partly because I am teaching, but also partly because of the predicted (and actual) cold, I put on a t-shirt this morning… under a long sleeve button-down shirt. While I did not put on my winter boots, for the first time since April I wore my Blundstones for our walk. I know the insulated boots will be needed soon, but I will wait for real weather for that. The calendar be damned, winter has arrived in the Greater Toronto Hamilton Area.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 298

    Yesterday evening I indulged… and I paid the price this morning on the scale. Sorry, not sorry! I was hungry in the evening, and I decided to make myself a salad. I was going to put some canned salmon on top but when I opened the cabinet, I saw the packages of gourmet smoked salmon that Leslie bought me as a present. I should have portioned it out so that I had enough for a couple of meals, but no. The entire package went onto the salad. It was delicious! This morning’s weight gain was ridiculous, but that is partly because of the high salt content of salmon and should correct tomorrow. I just have to stay on track today.

    I should mention that mid-morning I had an extremely large bowel movement, and there is a very good chance that if I were to weigh myself after that, my weight would be more in line with what I was hoping for this morning. Nothing doing, I will wait until tomorrow morning.

    My plans for the day are simple. I am taking it easy until I hopefully drive out to Milton to spend a couple of hours smoking cigars with Eduardo and Sam. At 5:00pm I have to be at the airport to pick up Lyle and Dorothy, and then drive them back to Hamilton. I do not plan to spend a lot of time with them once there, for two reasons: 1) They will be tired and want to unpack after a long flight, and 2) I have to wake up early tomorrow for my class, which means that I should get a good night sleep tonight. Of course, I will also have my regular meal in a little while. After the scale shock this morning, I will do my absolute best to not stray far from the food plan!

    We are now five days away from Leslie’s upcoming visit, and I am really excited. I miss being with her, and while the video calls are nice, they are small consolation for not being able to hold my wife in my arms. As I told a friend yesterday: I married her because I do not want to spend another day not being married to her. The distance truly sucks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 297

    It is frustrating that I do so well throughout a day, and then ruin it at the end. I do not think that the challah and peanut putter I had last night was worth a 1.2 lbs. gain this morning, especially after a good workout. I am glad though that after my workout, the scale at the gym read 9 lbs. lower than this morning’s weigh-in.

    My trainer and I worked out again yesterday, and yes, I am feeling it in my muscles today. I am not sure when our next session will be, owing to the fact that I am teaching every day next week. It is likely that a couple of them will be while Leslie is here, and then the remaining sessions will be after Kezi is back from her vacation.

    Speaking of Leslie, we are now inside one week from her visit. I am so excited that I will finally see her again! Yes, it has been too long.

    Eduardo is coming over for a cigar this afternoon, but I think I will head to the gym now for a bit. I will not do a full workout, I will just get onto the treadmill for half an hour or so. I find my pace on the treadmill is much faster than my pace when walking on the street… even though I do not enjoy it nearly as much.

    Okay, here’s the plan: I am going to be at the gym from 10-12 (which will include shower and sauna and stuff). I will come home and make my lunch, and then cigars with Eduardo. I know he is going through some difficult things right now, and I will always be a compassionate ear to listen when friends are in need.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Abortion: An aberration.

    I own three blogs. One is mostly professional, although you will find many non-professional topics covered there. One is entirely about cigars, and there are very few topics covered there that are not cigar related. The last blog is this one, dedicated to my weight loss journey.

    If you are a regular reader of this blog then the following post is completely off topic. It is very political and religious. If you are not interested, or might be offended, then please, dear reader, back out now and come back for tomorrow’s daily article. This post covers a hot button topic, and while I know it will offend many, it is not my intention to chase away my regular blog readers… even though you number in the tens and not thousands!

    Thank you for your understanding.

    Mitch

    —

    One of the most divisive issues in American politics is the issue of abortion. Does a woman’s right to choose supersede the fetus’ right to life is so hot a topic that families and friendships are destroyed over it.

    Earlier this year, the Supreme Court of United States overturned the historic Roe vs. Wade decision that had been the de facto law of the land for forty-nine years. It shocked the country and became, once again, a hot issue – hotter than it ever had been. Protesters outside abortion clinics talk about the Sixth Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Kill. It is actually written in the Torah twice: Exodus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 5:17. Whether or not you went to religious school or not, we can all agree that this is the Sixth Commandment, right?

    Wrong. The actual commandment, when translated from the original Hebrew (which reads “לא תרצח”) is: Thou shalt not Murder. Let’s be clear about that, and then you can decide for yourself whether your beliefs still apply.

    I saw an image today of protesters outside of an abortion clinic waving crosses in peoples’ faces. For these people, abortion is obviously a religious issue. Here’s the thing though: the United States is not a land governed by Christianity. It is governed by law, and it is clear to anyone with a passing knowledge of History that the Founding Fathers of the US did not want it to be a theocracy. Whether they envisioned what would become of theocracies around the world or were just sick of King George III and his C of E, it does not matter. They were very clear that the laws would not be religious laws.

    With that in mind, here is where every argument against abortion falls apart. We cannot account for every situation. A friend (who is clearly anti-abortion) shared a link supporting her side, stating that ‘…with the over a dozen birth control methods, why are you getting pregnant in the first place?’ I commented: “Rape. Incest. Intimidation. Shame. The inability to safely and without judgment or parental consent get those birth control methods. Men who force or coerce them. Just off the top of my head…” She replied that the Morning After pill should negate the need for abortion. My response was clear, but irrelevant here.

    The problem is that we cannot account for every situation. We do not know every permutation of how a woman (or girl) gets pregnant. ‘Hey, there’s the Morning After pill’ is a terrible argument when a rape victim is ten years old and has to explain to mommy that mommy’s boyfriend raped her. Never mind the fact that girls who should still be playing with Barbie dolls might not know all of their options, and even if they did, would still be mortified to talk to an adult about S-E-X.

    We cannot account for every situation, and until there is a law that can literally say that: “Abortion should be illegal, except in the case of:” and then list every possible reason why abortion should be allowed, then abortion should be legal.

    During political campaigns we hear the phrase late-term abortion being thrown around a lot. Ooh, the evil satanic Left believe that a woman should be allowed to abort a pregnancy in the ninth month. That is not what they are talking about. Anyone who says or implies that is either ignorant or trying to spin the position of the Left. To be clear: There is no sane and healthy woman in the world who, after carrying a fetus/baby in their womb for eight and a half months, would want to suddenly terminate the pregnancy. Late term abortions are performed for health reasons only.

    As I mentioned, a great many anti-abortion protesters talk about Jesus and wave the cross. Here’s the thing: I am not Christian. With that said, seeing as they want to share their religious opinion with women who are in distress, I am going to take this opportunity to share the Jewish law on it. Jewish law does not consider the fetus to be a being with a soul until it is born. That means that until the child is born, the mother’s life takes precedent. This is not an opinion, this is law. According to Mishna Oholos 7:3, “If a woman is having trouble giving birth, they cut up the child in her womb and bring it forth limb by limb, because her life comes before the life of [the child].” This is a terrible image to conjure… but the mother is a life, and the unborn baby is not a life until it is breathing, although the Mishna does not mention assisted breathing with mechanical instruments, this would count as well.**

    It is terrible to imagine, but an unhealthy pregnancy – in the first trimester or at the end of the third – can kill the mother, and Jewish law is clear in that it is the mother’s life that must be preserved over that of the unborn child.

    There is a great quote from the TV show The West Wing that I turn to when asked my opinion on the subject. I think that abortion should be legal, and it should be a lot rarer than it is. While I agree that it should not be used as a method of birth control, I know that it is not so easy to determine for the sake of writing a law what is an acceptable reason, since none of us are omniscient. Wouldn’t it therefor be better to write a law that allows a woman and her doctor to make the decision, rather than taking the potential life-saving option out of the hands of caring doctors, and putting it in the hands of politicians with political agendas?

    I have never had an abortion, and I do not own a womb or a uterus so frankly I cannot do any better than turning to my faith, and my religious teachings, and to my common sense. By the way, the law that I quoted above was codified in about 190 C.E., which means it predates the compilation of the New Testament by over 125 years. While laws can be changed, they are meant to be compassionate. If we are to evolve as a society, and not devolve into a theocracy, then we need to show compassion… and our laws need to reflect that.

    Grieve for woman who need abortions, but do not villainize them. Do not shame them and guilt them, and do not judge them because you know your story… you do not know theirs. Pray for them if you wish, and for the unborn fetus, but do not make these women (and often little girls) and their health care providers into criminals. That lacks compassion… and if you do follow a Christian faith, then remember that Jesus of Nazareth would want you to show compassion for those with whom you do not agree. He would want you to pray for them, and to help them how you can, and not force them to do your bidding. He was, after all, Jewish.

    ** Quotes in this paragraph are taken from the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, from an excellent opinion piece by Ephraim Sherman, which can be read in its entirety here.

  • Day 296–Remembrance Day

    On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month the guns fell silent for the last time.

    Not quite.

    This morning I eschewed my regular fedora, deciding instead to wear my military cover. I did not expect anyone to recognize it for what it was, although one fellow dog walker commented that it was an interesting hat. As she often does, Princess Sophie decided to stop and play with Davey as the kids waited for their school bus. One kid (maybe nine or ten years old) said ‘That one minute of silence… it feels like ten hours!’ I wanted to tell him about my friends, boys really not that much older than him, who were silenced forever. I wanted to tell him how ten hours of constant explosions can feel like a minute… and an eternity.

    Last night I folded my laundry and had a bittersweet moment. Knowing that tomorrow will be the last day with a forecast high of double digits for several months, I separated my golf shirts (which are the main component of my summer wardrobe) from my long sleeve shirts and put them into a drawer. Among those that went away for the season are several that I will likely never wear again, having shrunk out of them. I have been wearing mostly XXL shirts for the few months, but there were (until last night) two 3XL shirts in my rotation: a purple one that I always loved, and a pink one that has always been Leslie’s favourite. Come spring, most of the shirts that I put away last night will likely be given to charity. The purple one will go for sure. Leslie will not let me get rid of that pink shirt, no matter what. As strange as this might sound for a golf shirt, I might try to get it tailored down to size. We’ll see. Maybe it will just live in my drawer forever, or when I finally move to Dallas, hanging in our closet.

    It feels really good to be shrinking out of my clothes. I am really looking forward to the day when even the custom-tailored suits that I have been waiting for be able to wear, which were bought when I was at my lowest weight of the last twenty-five years, no longer fit and have to be either put away or given to charity. Even though when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see a morbidly obese reflection of myself, both the numbers on the scale and the fit of my clothes are good indicators of the tremendous progress I have made. The reflection looking back at me? That is a morphing of the road I have ahead, and the psychological damage of a kid who would never be good enough.

    I did my first full workout with Kezi yesterday, and yes, I did all of the warmups before starting. Today is our next workout, and I will once again do all of my warmups. I promise. I swear. Prior to the workout, I decided to pick up a handful of dried apricots, which gave me the carbohydrates to fuel the workout. Honestly, I do not know if the carbs work or not, but I ate them, I enjoyed them, and I will do the same today. As it was, I was feeling a bit dizzy and light-headed during the workout, which is most likely due to my low blood pressure. I do not want to make it worse by not having the fuel to keep me going.

    One thing I asked Kezi to adjust going forward. The workout that we did yesterday was mostly with free weights. I told her that if we would be working out together long term that would be fine, I feel that for my program to be sustainable for the long term, we should focus on the machines. We have five more workouts together, and the reason I paid for the package was because I want to know the best way to work out alone. I think the machines are a much smarter way for me to go than trying to remember every workout with free weights, especially knowing that I don’t know if my form is right or not. She told me she understands and will adjust her plans for us accordingly. I am looking forward to seeing how that plays out today.

    The only cheat on my program yesterday was the dozen dried apricots, and the numbers on the scale reflected that. My bathroom scale this morning read 303.0 lbs. which puts me back into the best-weight-ever territory (by only 0.2 lb.) . After my workout yesterday, the needle on the scale at the club read 299 lbs., making it the first time I have registered under 300 pounds since February 17, 2021. Of course, the post-workout weigh-in may feel good, but it is meaningless for me. The only weigh-ins that count are my morning weigh-ins, and the only ones that I actually register in this journal consistently are the semi-weekly weigh-ins at my doctor’s office. The next one of those is on Wednesday, November 23. I hope by then to drop from 139kg to 136kg… 299.8 lbs., with my clothes on.

    If 2022 will truly be the year I lose 50kg, then as of my last weigh-in I am still 10kg (about 22 lbs.) from that goal, and I have less than two months to achieve it. The 100 lbs. loss is certainly achievable, as I am only about 8 lbs. shy of that number. Losing eight pounds in seven weeks is absolutely achievable. Losing 22 lbs. in the same seven weeks? I am going to try my best, but I will not be terribly upset if I fall slightly shy of that number. If I do, then I will settle for losing fifty kilograms in 365 days, which gives me until January 20 to do it. I am still going to try to get there by December 31 though!

    I do not know why I agreed to an 11am workout on Remembrance Day, but I did. We will have to start a couple of minutes late, as I will observe my minutes of silence. I do not expect those around me to, but it would be nice if they did. I know that my wife is thinking about me today. She has already told me that she is thinking about me and my service this morning. I have not responded, but I will call her right now.

    Have a great day folks!