Losing a part of me

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  • Day 64

    Another day of following the prescribed regimen, and once again the bathroom scale is down. I am quite pleased with that, but more important, I am feeling lighter today. The shirt that I am wearing, which a month ago had my belly hanging out, is now much more comfortable. It is a good day to be going to the tailor to be fitted for a few custom dress shirts and pants, and possibly a vest and even a sport jacket. I will not be buying a suit at this time, but the rest I am ready for. I will not spend thousands of dollars at the tailor… but it is likely that I will spend more than $1000. I’ll be sure to take my American credit cards!

    Something that has been weighing on my mind is an issue that I only realized fully the last time I had lost most of my weight. At a certain point, if I do lose all of the weight, I am going to have a lot of excess skin and might need cosmetic surgery to remove it. If I am ever going to have the body that I really want to have, then that is a reality that I am going to have to face. I have been obese since very shortly after I got out of the Army, which is now over twenty-five years ago. It was a nice thought that my skin would bounce back because I was young… I am not so young anymore. I have never liked the idea of cosmetic surgery, but I remember how much of that skin was left – in my belly, in my chest – and I will not want to spend the rest of my life with it. Also, if I do go through that, then maybe I can look at the surgery as a delineation point – WAS fat, AM slim. Maybe that will be the daily reminder of why I cannot eat like I once did.

    I have my check-in meeting with my diet buddy this afternoon. It will be our first meeting in three weeks – she was off traipsing around Yukon… if traipsing is something that one does in the Great White North. According to her words, she needs to debrief. I suspect that while my last couple of weeks have seen me down, she will not have been so successful. That is not uncommon when one is on vacation. I have already decided that when Leslie and I are in Cuba, I will be suspending my diet program. That does not mean that I will not try to eat sensibly, but I will not be taking meal replacements with me. I rather suspect that eating sensibly in the tropics, where fresh fruits and salads make up a good part of the diet, will be easier than eating sensibly north of 60°, where a head of lettuce can cost $20.

    For those of you who are wondering if it would even be possible to stay on my meal-replacements-only program at an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, the answer is yes… and I know that because I have done it. In 2017, when I first went through the program, Eduardo and I spent a week at the Be Live Turquesas resort in Varadero, which is only a couple of kilometres from the resort Leslie and I will be at. I had four meal replacement shakes per day, and whenever someone asked if I wanted a drink, or if I wanted to join them for a snack, I just told them I was recovering from a bit of a stomach bug, and I was taking it easy. I remember the fear when we went into Havana, and I thought that I had forgotten my shakes at the hotel (in Varadero). I was so relieved when I discovered at the restaurant that I had not in fact forgotten them. I do not plan to subject myself – or Leslie – to that stress. I will be eating in Cuba, and when I come back, I will continue from where I left off.

    It is interesting… when I started this journey (again), I was reading my old journals from 2017 and 2019 nearly every day. I stopped doing that after maybe ten days or so… but thinking back on that trip, I decided to open up my first journal. Days 26-34 were spent in Cuba, and I got through it. It is amazing to look back on a trip like that and realize that I lost 3-4 pounds during that week. Okay, it is hard to be precise, because I had only registered my weigh-in six days prior to the trip. The first time I went through the program, I did it through a hospital bariatric clinic, and was not getting onto a bathroom scale. I was only registering my weight when they weighed me. On Day 21 I had lost 33 pounds, and by Day 35 I had lost 41 pounds. For those of you keeping track, I am currently on Day 64, and have not yet lost the full 40 pounds… but I am not on the same strict program that I was on, and I cannot expect to see the same drastic results. Yes, I plan to achieve the same results (minus the long, slow descent back into obesity), but it will take longer.

    Tomorrow morning, I am driving to Montreal for the weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, but I am also looking forward to the relaxing alone time in the car. I will switch off between podcasts and the audiobook that I am listening to (remember when they were called books on tape? I am getting old!) and podcasts, and I will be smoking cigars as I like. I will do my best to not cheat on the program, which means that I will be taking a good number of meal replacement bars with me. Still and all, I know that I cannot follow the program the way I normally would, and I am hoping that when I weigh myself on Tuesday, I will not be more than a pound off from what I weigh tomorrow. Here’s hoping!

    While it is cloudy out, the temperatures are going to 11°c, and the wind does not seem so bad. When I get back from the tailor, I will be enjoying a cigar on the balcony.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 63

    HRF Princess Sophie asked me very politely to take her out at 6:00am. She does not wake me to go out very often, so when she does, I take her seriously. The last time she asked, I was much heavier; it probably took me fifteen minutes to get dressed. This morning, we were out the door in under 6 minutes… and that included time for me to pee. I will chalk that up as a non-scale victory. The times she has awakened me at 3:00am I always go right back to bed. While my alarm does not go off until 7:15am, I decided not to lie back down right away this time. I had a couple of appointments that I needed to reschedule.

    I decided that Friday I am going to drive to Montreal for the weekend. I realized as I was going to sleep last night that the Princess has a vet appointment for Friday, and I have an appointment in the evening. Both were booked online, and so I sat down at the computer to rebook them. My appointment was easy, and I was easily able to create another appointment for tomorrow morning. I will have to wait back from the vet for confirmation, but I cannot see this being a problem.

    Coupled with the early hour, there was a bit of freezing rain when we went out, and Princess did not want to spend more time than was strictly necessary outside, so the walk was a brief one.

    My diet yesterday was again mostly good. I was out and about for a few hours when I realized I was hungry, so I stopped at Bulk Barn and picked up a small handful of peanuts. When I got home, I prepared my dinner – a piece of salmon with lemon juice, salt, pepper, and fresh dill. It was delicious! I have not yet stepped onto the bathroom scale, but I anticipate good things from it.

    I have an appointment to get weighed today, and I am looking forward to being down at least a few kilograms from my last weigh-in two weeks ago. Yes, doctors in Canada use the metric system, which does not bother me at all. In fact, the only reason I use the imperial system for my weight loss is because a full pound lost is less than half a kilo, which does not sound or feel nearly as impressive. In truth, despite the big switch to the metric system in the 1970s, I was always taught pounds rather than kilos, and while I try to get excited about the more sensible metric measurements (where a kilogram is the weight of a litre of water, and not based on a weight found in a Paris vault for hundreds of years), but I confess I still think in pounds. I doubt this will change, but I hope my children will understand kilos better. For the record, I think in kilometres (although I can do the conversion to miles in my head).

    I can already feel it… there will be a nap in my future. I have a couple of errands to run today, but I should be home by noon. The forecast high is only 6°c, and there might be a little wind still. Hopefully my phone appointments will be considerate and work around my need for a mid-afternoon nap. They are restorative, after all!

    I will write more after my weigh-in, but in the meantime, have a great day folks!

  • Day 62

    I should be going to the doctor to get weighed today. In fact, I just decided I will. See you in a bit!

    —

    Okay, I am back… except I did not go to the doctor’s office. I thought to call, and they told me I could only come in this afternoon… at which point it would be too late. Weights fluctuate throughout the day, and I want to stick to getting weighed in the morning. Tomorrow morning, 10:00am.

    I have had a couple of non-scale victories over the last couple of days. Firstly, I am able to close all of the buttons on my spring/autumn jacket! They all pop if I bend down, but one thing at a time. Secondly, I realized this morning (after it was too late to change) that my belt is on its last hole… and is too loose to reliably hold up my pants. This will be the last day that I wear it, and I am happy to be rid of it.

    Yesterday’s food intake was pretty good… I switched up the timing of my second meal – rather than having my dinner in the evening, I had it mid-afternoon, and then had a shake in the evening. I do not think that would have any detrimental effect on my progress. The bathroom scale did register me up by less than half a pound this morning, but that is after several straight days of serious loss. I am not concerned that I am losing momentum, as I know my food intake has been pretty good (despite the handful of peanuts I had from Bulk Barn the other day).

    My plans for the day are to stay the course! I cannot think of any changes I will have to make, and I want to keep up the good work.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 61

    Welcome to a brand-new week! It is going to be a lovely day today, and so when I am not working (and I do have some work to do during the day) I plan to be sitting outside enjoying the sunshine. I heard good news from the wife of my dad’s friend yesterday that he is recovering nicely, and we are all thankful for that.

    Yesterday was another good-food, questionable quantities day. I had more chicken than I should have, but otherwise I ate well. After dinner, I was still a bit peckish; I thought about having a meal replacement bar, but I decided instead to have a glass of water and a cigar on the balcony. One thing I need to always remember – not only during my weight loss, but forever – is that the message from our stomach that we are full can take 20 minutes to reach our brain, and so we might still think we are hungry long after we are satisfied. Remembering that last night worked. I had a meal replacement shake in the mid-evening, and I finished the day well. Oh, I should also mention that I went to Bulk Barn to pick up a few things, and I added a small handful of red-skinned peanuts (unsalted) to my order to nibble in the car. Some of the other things that I bought or could have bought were much worse than that, and I did not feel bad picking up the 20-or-so peanuts.

    Any day that my bathroom scale registers a steep drop (as it did yesterday morning) I expect that it will even out the following day. This morning I stepped onto the scale expecting to see a slight gain, despite being mostly good yesterday. The fact is that yesterday morning I was down nearly 1.5 pounds, and 4 pounds since Thursday. I was extremely happy that I did not give back any of it this morning… I did not lose any more, but I did not gain either. I’ll take it! If I can keep it up, within the next week to ten days I should be able to weigh myself on the doctor’s scale… even with my clothes on!

    I do quite a bit of shopping on Facebook Marketplace, and yesterday I made what many (including myself) would consider the oddest purchase I have ever made online. I bought a clarinet. If you are wondering, the answer is no, I do not play the clarinet. I do, however, have a girlfriend who plays… but I think she has one. Amanda, on the other hand, does not. A couple of weeks ago when I was at their place for dinner, Amanda was lamenting that Cam did not take the hint to buy her one for Christmas… and so I bought her one for her birthday (which was Friday). Yes, I had sent her flowers, but I thought that she would appreciate it… and the jab at my buddy Cam would be a bit of fun.

    My plans for the day are to stick to the program and try to make it through to the end of the day with no cheats. I bought a beautiful cut of salmon for dinner; I usually buy the tail (which is much cheaper), but the middle cut was on sale, so I decided to splurge. I will marinate it in lemon juice with some salt and black pepper, and when it comes out of the air fryer, I will sprinkle it liberally with fresh dill. It should make for a delicious meal, with a generous salad to accompany it.

    Have a great day folks, and enjoy the weather!

  • Day 60

    There was a bit more temptation at Ryan’s place than I was comfortable with, but I got away nearly unscathed. We had a wonderful day smoking cigars and throwing darts, and then they decided, rather than going ahead with the pork chops for dinner as they had planned, they were ordering fish and chips. Glenn was as insistent as ever that I take some, but I insisted that I was on a diet and couldn’t have it. ‘But fish is healthy!’ Yes, Glenn… but dipping it in an inch of batter and deep-frying it is not. ‘You just scrape the batter off!’ Yes, but the frying oil is in the fish, and thank you, but no thank you. I did indulge in a handful of peanuts… but that was the only cheating that I did.

    Princess Sophie and I arrived home around 9:00pm and I prepared the chicken and salad which I had already defrosted and planned. It was quite good… if not as satisfying as the deep-fried fish and chips might have been. I was rewarded for my discipline by another low number on the bathroom scale. Although I am still not sure how accurate it is or might be, I know it is in the same spot on the floor as it was yesterday, and so it should be as consistently accurate or inaccurate as it was yesterday. Down is down, and on a weight loss program down is good.

    I woke up at 5:45am to do what one does at that hour before returning to bed on a Sunday, but I could not sleep after that for a spell. Upon realizing that I would not easily get back to slumber, I donned my spectacles and checked my phone. I answered a couple of emails, I played my game, I checked Facebook. After maybe forty-five minutes or so I realized my eyes were finally growing heavy again, and I got another three hours of sleep.

    Usually when I cannot fall asleep like that, there is something weighing on my mind. In August when I suddenly and abruptly found myself back in Canada, knowing I had to find an apartment and get settled… not to mention coordinate with my friends in California getting my apartment closed out and my stuff shipped. That kept me awake. There have been a couple of relationship issues that have kept me awake. Last week, there was one night when I was so obsessed by my Government of Canada security clearance going through. All of these and more have been reasons that I have been unable to get back to sleep in the past 7-8 months. Last night there was nothing. Rather, there was something that I was thinking about, but it is simple and meaningless and irrelevant. I was telling Leslie this morning that I think sometimes my brain said ‘Well, all of the pieces of your life are in order right now, but I don’t want to sleep so I am going to make you obsess about something that is really nothing.’

    I did consider for a brief moment getting out of bed and looking into why one of my credit cards was declined on Friday, but I decided that if I got my mind really working then I would never actually get back to sleep. I took care of that this morning – their fraud department thought that I might not really be me. Believe me folks, if I was using stolen credit cards then I would not be looking at every gas station in town for the lowest price, and then buying regular. Dude, if I am using a stolen credit card then I promise you I am putting the premium gas into my Subaru!

    Because I got a later start to the day than usual (yay lazy weekends!) I will finish up some personal stuff on the computer, and then after lunch I will probably sit on the balcony smoking cigars. While it will not be nearly as pleasant as it was Thursday, the forecasted high today is 11°c, and the rain should have ended by now. I will take Her Royal Floofness for a couple of walks of course, and then dinner and an early bedtime. I have some reading to do to prepare for a course that I might be asked to teach toward the end of April (and for which I will have to create the courseware, before you wonder how far in advance I start preparing to teach a class), so that will be done on the balcony with a cigar as well. If Leslie is not too busy, it would be nice to have a chat with her as well.

    I really do miss her and am counting down the days until she comes for her next visit. I am not just saying that because she is the most loyal reader of this blog (Hi Sweetie!!) but because I mean it. Time with her is better than time apart from her. Had she been in bad with me when I couldn’t sleep this morning, she would have snuggled with me, and things would have been better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 59

    I have not looked back on my previous journal for a few weeks. I do not know why I stopped; maybe it is because the program that I am doing now bears some resemblance to the strict cheatless meal-replacements-only program that I was following the last couple of times. Perhaps it is because I saw how much weight I had lost (I was averaging one pound per day over the first couple of months) and decided that it was disheartening, knowing that as we approach the two-month mark of my journey, I am nearly 35-pounds down, and not the 60-pounds I would have been last time.

    Yesterday was a day of very reasonable cheating. I was meaning to drive to Brantford and then straight home, but as I prepared to return, I got a message from Lyle asking me to come to his house instead of meeting me here. Okay, no problem. Well… one problem. I would have to eat. Not wanting to put out Lyle and Dorothy, I stopped at a convenience store and got an all-beef pepperoni stick. When I arrived, this being the day after St. Patrick’s Day, Lyle offered me a plate of homemade corned beef. I took two slices with some mustard. We went outside for our first of two cigars, and I did not feel at all bad smoking his high-end cigars, as I usually force my high-end cigars on him!

    Between cigars, he offered me one of Dorothy’s cookies. How could I resist? It was wonderful, and I do not feel guilty about it. Okay, I might feel a little guilty about it, but I ate it and enjoyed it. Dorothy is an exceptional baker, and the mix of dark chocolate, dates, figs, and nuts made it worth the cheat. I enjoyed a second exceptional cigar, and then stopped in at the supermarket before coming home for the evening.

    I had my regular dinner of chicken and salad when I got home, and I took HRF Princess Sophie out for a couple more walks before the evening was done. For the first time since before I broke my ankle (in November), I am now over 6,000 steps per day. This is likely due to four factors:

    · I broke my ankle and could not walk for nearly two months.

    · My gout has been bothering me a lot.

    · It has been cold (often bitterly so); and

    · I was heavier than I have ever been, and walking was harder than ever on my feet, knees, and the rest of me.

    My doctor has told me that I need to be exercising, and frankly I did not need him to point that out to me. Of course I need to exercise! He also pointed out that simply walking my dog would not be enough, because most dogs (especially smaller dogs) do not walk at the undisturbed pace that I would need to consider it beneficial. I think that next weekend I am going to start. Why wait? While both my feet and my knees are better than they were, I still feel a little tinge in my left knee, and I want to give it a few more days to heal. What I will say is that for the 6,000 steps that I am taking in a day now, I am doing them at a more comfortable pace than I was even a week ago (because of the gout), and certainly more so than a few weeks ago, when the gout, the knee, and the weight were huge factors. I know that as I lose more weight, the pace will get easier still.

    The plan for today is to drive to Cambridge to see Ryan and the gang. I finally remembered to bring my darts, and Cara is in for a lesson… I always beat her with the random darts I pick up there… let’s see how I do with my own set! They asked if I would stay for dinner, and that is always an uncomfortable question for me. I do not like having to say, ‘I’m sorry, your food is incompatible with my diet program.’ When they told me they are serving pork chops, the refusal was easy! I will bring a couple of meal replacements, and when we get home later this evening, I will make a salad with some chicken.

    The forecast for the next seven days shows rain (or flurries) five of them, but at least the temperatures are warming up. I know that early spring is always going to be rainy, but that’s the price we pay for green summers. I’ll enjoy it… especially with the knowledge that my balcony is covered.

  • Day 58

    Yesterday morning my friend Eduardo picked me up, and we drove down to St. Catherines to spend a few hours with his son. There was some minor computer work that needed to be done – having to do mostly with Quickbooks, which made it more Victor’s area of knowledge than mine. The three of us then went for lunch at a nice Greek restaurant on the Welland canal. I was good – I had two chicken brochettes on a plate of salad. There was more salad dressing than I strictly needed, but still less than my friends put on the Caesar salad last weekend. I also enjoyed the tzatziki – certainly not on the diet, but better that it was on the chicken, and not scooped up with pita bread. No, I did not indulge in than particular sin.

    For dinner I had a slightly larger helping of chicken than I probably should have but did not go terribly overboard. I had my salad, and because it was such a lovely day, I had three and a half cigars on the patio. I was saddened by news that a close friend of my father’s had a heart attack on Wednesday, and I spent a bit of time thinking of him. I am praying for his speedy recovery. He was younger than my dad… but not by much. He was also a lifetime smoker (in addition to being a cigar smoker) and did not live the healthiest lifestyle. As Leslie and I discussed it last night, I told her I am trying to lose the weight, but I was not planning on giving up my cigars anytime soon. Esti (who told me the news) said that we all have a bullet out there with our name on it. Well, I have avoided far too many of those bullets (and none of them were figurative) to live my life in fear… and I will not give up my cigars because of that.

    I have to drive to Brantford this morning to pick up another collection of meal replacements. It is amusing that I am driving all over G-d’s green earth to pick them up… as if they were contraband being delivered by one of Cosmo Kramer’s shady friends. Never mind… I have to go out to do some grocery shopping anyways, and it is another nice day. I might bring a cigar along, although I have not decided on that yet.

    Lyle is coming over for a cigar in the afternoon, which will be nice. I really enjoy sitting and chatting with good friends. I cannot think of any other plans I have for the day, or for the weekend. I am sure something exciting will come up!

    Have a great day!

  • Day 57

    I was a bit off yesterday. There was no particular reason for it that I could discern, but I was a bit melancholy. I went off the diet both in quantities of food – I ate an extra salad with an extra can of salmon – and in foods eaten… I ate a bag of microwave popcorn. I suppose the combination of the two are why the bathroom scale was, once again, slightly up this morning. There is nothing to say but I will do better today.

    The plans are to spend much of the day with my friend Eduardo. The original plan was for him to come spend the afternoon smoking cigars on the balcony, but for reasons I will not elaborate on we will now be spending the day at his son’s house. I used to work for the son, who is not only a very nice guy but also an occasional cigar smoker. I have in the past smoked some very lovely cigars from him; whether I will smoke his cigars today or my own does not matter, I know it will be a lovely day.

    While today’s high temperature of 16°c is 5-10° higher than any other in the ten-day forecast, it is nice to know that there is only one low temperature in that time frame that is predicted to be below zero. Spring is in the air, and you will hear no complaints from me about that! I briefly considered driving to Montreal for the weekend but decided not to. I will stick around here and enjoy the weather as it warms up… without having to spend the ridiculous price at the pump to fill my tank. It is not only for that reason that I will allow Eduardo to drive us to his son’s (he lives 45 minutes away), but it is certainly a consideration.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 56

    I was very good on the diet yesterday, and yet the bathroom scale took back a full pound of weight loss. What I wouldn’t do for a solid floor on which I could reliably weigh myself? Of course, after a ten-pound drop in just over a week, I feel it’s a little like the Canada Revenue Agency. “Sorry, Mr. Garvis. We gave you a very generous tax refund last year… but it was too generous, and we are taking some of it back.” I know I am being silly, but it is frustrating when I cannot reliably track my progress day by day.

    My foot is not hurting as bad today as it was yesterday. Also, it is a relief to know that whatever damage I might have done to my knee over the winter, it is feeling better as well. It is possible that my knee will get better and worse with the weather, as I predicted a few weeks ago. I suppose only time will tell. I suspect that both knee and foot will be happier when I weigh less.

    The original forecast for today showed 10°c, but that seems to have been revised to a high of 6°c. I can live with that, especially since there is no wind to speak of. I will sit on the balcony this afternoon enjoying a cigar or two. I have a student who has asked me to be available for help throughout the day – I told him to reset his labs for this class, as something went wrong and if he does not fix it (possibly by starting from scratch) then the problems will compound throughout the class, and I do not want that to happen. If he does reach out to me, I might take a laptop onto the balcony to work with him. I do not know how warm it will be, especially if the stubborn beast does not want to turn the balcony heater on.

    I am seriously considering going to Montreal this weekend. I have a few things to take care of, and it should be a nice weekend for it. We’ll see.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 55

    A demonstration of willpower: Last week, I went to Costco. I picked up several items for myself, and knowing how much she loves them, I bought a bag of dried mangos for Leslie. That was Friday. Today is Tuesday, and I have still not opened the bag. Three months ago, the bag would not only be open, but it would also be nearly finished.

    I was able to get through Monday mostly according to plan. Breakfast shake, canned salmon on a salad for lunch, chicken and salad for dinner, and an evening meal replacement bar. I am trying to think if I had another shake in there somewhere, but I do not think so. It was, overall, a good diet day. Despite all this, the bathroom scale still registered my weight higher than the previous day.

    I am not going to get discouraged by the numbers on the scale – not when I am nearly eleven pounds down in the last ten days. Weight loss success must be judged based on trends, not individual registers on a chart. I will stay the course today, changing nothing from yesterday.

    My foot is still in pain, but it is a different pain. I am not sure if it is independent of the gout, or if it was never gout to begin with. I doubt that, as the colchicine really did make a difference. I will keep track of it now through my next doctor’s appointment and will make a point to discuss it with him.

    I have a few errands to run today, including a dental appointment to get a chipped filling fixed. He (the dentist) told me it shouldn’t be too long, which gives me hope that it will not be too painful either. I hope to have time for a cigar in the afternoon, but I am not sure. We’ll see how the day goes. While it is not as warm as it was yesterday, and it is supposed to snow throughout the day, it might still be an agreeable day for it. As I said… we’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!