Category: Emotions

  • Day 174

    As I was hoping, this morning I was down nearly two pounds on the scale. I ate reasonably well yesterday, although I did eat a bag of popcorn, as well as two of the Japanese biscuits that Leslie bought for me. I like good low numbers, and I am back below 340lbs which is the milestone that I have been flirting with for the last week.

    I am having a very bad morning so far, and everything is just overwhelming me. I want to throw things. I want to yell and scream. I want to go out for a very fattening and unhealthy breakfast. Instead, I am trying to get organized. I have a few more small things to do before I head out, and anything that I miss will be done when I get back. I am just… ARGH!

  • Day 172

    Yesterday was great! It is so nice to have good friends. I ate too much (both the food and the cake were amazing!) but it was worth it.

    I did not weigh myself this morning. There was no reason behind it other than I forgot. I am sure I would not have liked the number so it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow will be better.

    I drove Leslie to the airport this morning which is always sad. At least this time we know that we will only be apart five days. She is sadder because it might be the last time she visits me in Canada, and my apartment was special for us.

    This evening I am going to a concert with Lyle and Dorothy and his sister which will be fun. They are picking me up and I am sure it will be fun… but I really wish Leslie was coming with us.

    Have a great day!

  • Welcome to Dallas… Welcome Home

    I do not live in Dallas… but that’s where my fiancée lives, and wherever she is, I am home. There was doubt as to whether I would get here, and that doubt has weighed on us both for months.

    Until July of last year I was living in California. I was on a work visa that came to an abrupt end when I lost my job. Thanks Covid. In normal times I would have packed up and gone back to Canada. These were not normal times, and the border was essentially closed. I made the best of things. I took some online training contracts, I played a lot of golf. I then took a mid-term contract with Microsoft. Life went on.

    As soon as flights between Canada and the US started up again, I booked a flight to go visit my children. I had not seen them for nearly two years, and that was the first thing that came to mind. I booked a round trip ticket, figuring I would go to Canada, come back to the US, and then close out my affairs so that I could move back to Canada. The only problem was that when I tried to enter the US, I was denied entry. Covid shmovid… I had stayed in the US without status, and that was a no-no. I was not excluded from the US, simply told to stay in Canada for six months and then come back for a visit.

    To say that was a stressful event is underselling it… but I got through it, got my affairs in California closed out, and I got my life in Canada back on track. I was getting close to Leslie at this point, and she was dealing with her own crap… but she was living my crap too. I do not know if things would have gone so well between us had it not happened… but here we are, ten months later, engaged to be married.

    Over the course of those ten months, Leslie came to visit me frequently. Truly, while we both put the effort in, it was her boots on the ground that got us here. Of course, at a certain point she started to get miffed that it was her boots coming to Canada, and that I had not visited her. These conversations started before the six month waiting period ended, and I had to remind her that it was not my choice, but rather the US Government’s.

    It was mid-February when that period ended. My ambivalence did not end there though. I was not doing a lot of work because I am still waiting for my security clearance, and I knew that the Customs and Border Patrol officers would not look favorably on my situation if I was not working. In truth, I was scared. I am certainly not the time to shy away from my fears, but at the same time, I did not want to rush the issue… that is, I was told to wait at least six months, and I did not want to show up on six months plus one day.

    Around mid-April we talked about it. Leslie came to see me in April and we were going to Cuba together in May; she was likely going to come to Canada for my birthday in July, so that left… June. I looked at Leslie’s custody schedule, and I booked my flight for… yesterday, as it happens.

    Great, right? No. Well, yes… but my employment situation had not budged, and I now had anxiety that I would get turned away again. The last ten days really the anxiety started to build, and while I tried to hide it, Leslie is a very perceptive woman, and she figured it out. The last four days were very hard for both of us.

    There was nothing anyone could do… I had to show up to the airport, check in for my flight, go through Security Theatre, and then stand in the extremely long line to speak to an officer. There was nothing else… believe me, we had tried.

    Knowing that after that long line I was going to be brought into the back screening office, I decided to arrive at the airport extremely early for my flight. I was comforted in the knowledge that I had nearly five hours to get everything done… and thank G-d I did because it took nearly that long! The initial line at Immigration was two hours long. I was escorted by the officer to the screening office and told to have a seat. That lasted another forty-five minutes before I was called. Outwardly calm, but my insides were doing somersaults.

    Did I mention that when you are in that screening room you are not allowed to use any electronic devices? No phone, no tablet, nothing. You sit there waiting for an agent to call you. you play games, looking at the other people waiting around you, trying to guess what their stories are.

    Officer Ortiz called me up and he asked me my story. I told him. I named the officer who had denied my entry last year, and explained the situation that led us to where we were. He told me he knows the officer, and is surprised that he had not tried to trap me in a lie. I told him that he had, and that the good thing about not lying is that there is no lie to trap me in,

    We had a very good conversation. I answered all of his questions, and skied a few of my own. As I predicted, the moment he stamped my passport, the anxiety drained out of my body completely and instantly. We chatted for a few more minutes about fiancé and spousal visas, and then I was on my way.

    The moment I was through the door (which lets you out into one of the worst Duty Free shops in North America) I pulled out my phone to video-call Leslie. After so many trips to see me, she is quite familiar with that shop. The moment the video connected she said to me: “You are in the Duty Free Store!” This was then followed by about twelve minutes of emotional blubbering from both of us. I was officially on my way to Dallas, Texas.

    I write this from somewhere over the mid-west, from my very own private row near the front of the aircraft. There is an hour left before we land. I have no doubt that by the time we disembark the airplane, walk to the baggage carousel, and I retrieve my suitcase, it will be another 45 minutes. However that doesn’t matter… sometime in the next couple of hours, I will have my baby in my arms. We will kiss, we will cry, and then we will drive off together. That’s the part that counts… we will be together.

    It has been far too long…

  • Day 142

    A few extra mangos and some peanuts a few days ago caused my weight to jump nearly a pound and a half. Yet this morning, after a mostly good day, I was only down .2 lbs. Yes, I did have a couple of extra meal replacements… but I was still on a pretty good day. I know, that’s the way it goes… one cheat can take a week to recover from. Those darned mangos!

    Yes, I am in a better mood today than I was yesterday. While I am always completely open about my feelings and experiences and emotions, I exercise extreme discretion when it comes to others. My children and I have had discussions recently that have really thrown my emotions and affected my eating. The same is occasionally true for other people in my life, be they friends or loved ones. I write around those things because I do not want anyone to feel betrayed. Please understand that it is not me denying or hiding my feelings or emotions. I do discuss them… but I do not write about them when others might feel betrayed. Yes, Leslie and Lyle and occasionally Stephane get an earful about what I am going through!

    In six days, I will be in Dallas with my fiancée once more. I miss her so much. Our physical separation is painful, and I am so excited that in less than a week I will be able to hold her in my arms again. We have established what we call the ‘Rectangle Zone’ and the ‘Rectangle-Free Zone’… the times when we have to video chat versus the times we are actually together. It is always a relief to be with her again in the RFZ.

    After lunch today I am going to head over to Lyle’s house for a cigar on the patio. The temperatures will not be too hot (high of 22°c, but sunny), which means it will be nice and comfortable. Of course, with the configuration of their house, we might want to sit at the bottom of the stairs… the patio does not get any sun until the late afternoon, and we have found ourselves having to wear sweaters in the shade on the patio when we can be wearing t-shirts in his driveway. We’ll see. I think the last time I was there was Princess Sophie’s birthday, so not quite but close to two weeks ago. It will be good to spend time chatting with him.

    The weekend looks like there will be a mix of sun and rain, so I am not going to take the chance and try to golf. I’ll save that for early next week. Sunday morning I will try to take my son (the younger) for breakfast. Yes, I will try to stay true.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 141

    There are days when I am optimistic. Other days, I am less so… but I put on a brave face. I do not have a brave face to put on today. I just cannot bring myself to be cheerful and positive. The best I can do is to try to not jump off the wagon. I am going to try to maintain my diet program today. I have to make that promise to myself. Not that I am going to stay true… but that I will do my best. I will try to stay true. I cannot promise any more than that.

  • Day 140

    I stepped onto the scale this morning expecting to see the wrath of my cheating. I was surprised to be .6 lbs down from yesterday, which is awesome. The good news is that there is no more dried mango in the house. I will also admit that yes, I had some peanuts yesterday morning.

    There are days when it is harder being apart from my fiancée than others. Yesterday was one of the hard ones. It was her birthday, and she is not a huge fan of birthdays. Like any good, thoughtful, caring fiancée would, I called the florist on Monday and ordered a delivery, along with a lovely card. Yesterday morning I called her to wish her a happy birthday, and we chatted sporadically throughout the day (as we often do). Toward the end of the day, after she had expressed her exasperation about many things, I started to worry that wait… why hadn’t she at least gotten the flowers? I asked if she had received any deliveries, and she said she had not. I called the florist, but they were already closed. I sent an email expressing my displeasure (as politely as possible). Unfortunately, if they were closed, I would likely not get a response or satisfaction until the following day. Sure enough, this morning they responded that there was some sort of printer problem which prevented them from fulfilling the order, but it would be delivered first thing today… and it was, but still a day late.

    So how did I cheat yesterday? I think I have mentioned that I buy and stock certain snacks for Leslie (and I suppose for whoever else comes over and wants a snack) in the house. Of these, the only one that I really love is the dried mangos. Leslie knows this and does her best to hide them from me when she is not here. I have never really gone looking for them (well, once…) and they have never magically jumped out from their hiding place to tempt me… until last week. I was showing her son something in my pantry on video call, and I accidentally nudged a box of her cookies, causing them to fall… heavier than they should have. It turns out she hid the dried mangos in one place she knew I would never look! The good news is that there are no more dried mangos in the house to tempt me.

    The cleaning lady is coming today, but I also have some shopping to do. I am going to head out to the supermarket in a few minutes, and then at 2pm I will pick her up from the train station. I have nothing else planned for the day, although I might do some work on renewing expiring certifications. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 114

    So yesterday was one of the great romantic days… and no, I did not take time out to blog.

    There will be, at some point in the next week, a full article on Operation National Proposal, the way I proposed to Leslie, the planning, and the lead-up. I will not go into more detail now other than to say that she said yes!

    I have not been eating very well these last couple of days, but I have also not been eating terrible. Yes, I had desert with dinner both nights, and I should not have… but I am on vacation. Yesterday morning I had a vegetarian omelet with a bowl of bran flakes, and some fruit (the fruit down here is absolutely amazing!!). For lunch, my fiancé and I shared a cheese sandwich, and yes I had two glasses of champagne to celebrate. At dinner I had a beef stir fry, some noodles, potatoes, and veggies. Could have been better, could have been much worse. Again, the desert… oh, and I had a glass of rum in the evening. Gotta do it when you’re in Vuba!

    I do not know if I have gained or lost weight so far. I suspect I’m about the same. However I have lost the weight that I have been carrying for seven weeks that was Operation National Proposal; planning, perfecting, putting the pieces into place, and executing… all the while keeping Leslie in the dark. Down to the peacocks it was perfect and it was magical!

    Okay, today is a do-nothing day. Have a great one folks!

  • Day 112

    Welcome to Paradise.


    As someone who knows the ropes, has been to Cuba before, and who knows what to expect, the hardest part about getting to the resort was the flight delays. I do understand that Leslie fits into none of those boxes, and was therefore anxious about a lot of it. I was happy to help her through the whole process, and the only part where I could not be with her was at Cuban Immigracion. As usual, I flew through, and I waited for her on the other side. When I saw that they pulled her back I was concerned, but it turns out she needed to buy health insurance, as her American insurance will not cover her in Cuba. I don’t know if this was a scam or legit, but we got out, got our luggage, and I had my first cigar of the trip while we waited for the bus.


    My diet could have gone better yesterday, but when you are travelling – I don’t mean on vacation, but actually in transit – it is nearly impossible. I had my usual meal replacement for breakfast, while preparing for Leslie a Montreal bagel with peanut butter. How delicious it would have been to have one! I did take a bite of hers, but that was it. We shared a Lebanese mixed shawarma plate for lunch… minus the rice, potato, and pita. Not bad.


    At the airport is when things went south, but they had to. I had a bag of chips (an individual bag, not a usual Mitch-sized bag), and I’ve the next few hours we shared a bag of trail mix. On the airplane, I was getting hungry… and I knew enough that by the time we got to the resort (with a more than a three hour delay) it would be late, we would be tired, and we might just want to go to sleep. I bought a snack of hummus with bread sticks, which we shared… but which I ate most of.


    One of the things about coming to a new resort (it has been here a while but I’ve never been here) is that I did not know what to expect with regard to food upon our very late arrival. By the time we were settled into our room and unpacked it was nearly 1:30am, and I wanted to track down some vittles. We found one of the bars (which was quite the happening spot) and filled our water bottles… we absolutely needed to have water in the room. While we could have tracked down the 24-hour snack bar, we were both exhausted, and we decided to forgo food for sleep. We came back to the room and called it.


    Come to think of it, I didn’t cheat as badly as I thought I had… and definitely not as bad as I could have.


    Leslie is a bit confused by the orbat of the day. Get dressed, do what we want to, when we want to, however we want to. Relax, have a coffee, have a cigar, and then continue. Resort living is a completely strange animal to anyone who has never done it! I woke up earlier than she did, and so I went out to get a coffee. As I write this, I am sitting on our patio with my coffee and my cigar, watching the palm trees. It is a perfect time of day to do that. In a few minutes we will track down breakfast, and then? Whatever we want to do.


    …


    We went for breakfast, which was lovely. It would have been lovelier if I was not on a diet, but whatever. The coffee in the buffet restaurant is not very good, so I will stick to the bars. We then walked around, checked out the beach, and are in for a wonderful, completely unplanned day. I have already had five people try to sell me fake cigars on the resort and on the beach. That number will triple before the day is out.


    Have a great one!

  • Day 103

    Again, the only transgression of yesterday’s intake was the peanuts. I think I am doing okay. I am once again down ever so slightly from yesterday, and I hope to continue on the path… a little bit lower every day. I know it will take a year or more to reach my goal, but I will continue to press on.

    While I am not in need of more pants, I was trying to figure out why it is that I have so many pair of size 44 pants, and then so many size 38 pants, and so few in size 40 and 42. Looking back, I recall that I was playing a game with Amazon, skirting the limits but still within the rules. I would order a few pair of pants in a size, knowing that within a few weeks (when I was on the extreme program) I would return them, and then purchase the pants in the smaller size. Add to that, I also gave several pair to a buddy of mine (who also suffers from the same affliction around the waist). That explains it. Of course, the ridiculous number of shirts that I have is a different story. Pants have to fit right, but a shirt can go from tight to loose to very loose, and still be wearable. For example, the golf shirt that I wore Saturday was very loose, but still perfectly fine to wear. With pants it is different. At a certain point a belt drawn too tight just looks silly.

    It was an emotionally difficult weekend. I do not think I did very much on Saturday, but Sunday I spent the afternoon with Lyle and Dorothy. Our friend Cameron’s brother came over to take an initial look at what has to be dealt with, and I wanted to be there to offer moral support. I had some other things going on as well, but that is all part of life. I did some shopping as well – I picked up a few things from Walmart (including sunscreen, which upon my return home I realized I have a lot of, and something that Leslie asked me to pick up), and I went to Bulk Barn (where I bought a handful of peanuts for myself, and a bagful of chocolate covered marshmallows for Leslie and her son). I also finally exchanged an empty propane tank which has been sitting empty since March or the beginning of April. It is amazing how much less of that I use when it is not the dead of winter, and I do not need the heater blasting in order to smoke a cigar.

    I have some errands to run this morning, which I should have finished in time to pick the cleaning lady up from the train station at 11:00am. Once that is all done, I will spend some time working on my presentation for later this week. While it has been a long time, the subject matter is one that I have spoken on countless times and am not worried or stressed over it. I do, however, need to put the slide deck together, or else I will be unprepared, which does not appeal to me.

    Food plans: stay the course! I should mention that I thought briefly about going for breakfast yesterday. The healthy omelette breakfast meal that I had last week was actually very good, and I considered treating myself. In the end I decided against it. It was an unnecessary indulgence. It is nice to have as a treat when I take my kids out, but indulgences that are indulged in too often become habits. Next week, starting Tuesday, I will be off my diet for a week. Leslie comes in late Monday evening, and I will let myself have a little bit of freedom. No, I will not gorge or indulge, but I will put the program aside for a week. Until then, I think my peanuts are enough of an indulgence, and I do not need to go for breakfasts as well.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Brains!

    Okay, the honest title of this article should be Breads! But then I would have to explain that it had to be spoken in the voice of the zombies from an episode of The Simpsons… and I hate having to spend three sentences prior to writing my article trying to explain the title. I hope you enjoyed this daily helping of irony.

    I do not remember during which of her visits Leslie made a large bread pudding, but it was likely either October or November. This was well before my diet, and I indulged… and I did not regret a single tasty morsel!

    To put into perspective how much she made: Despite her having frozen more than half of what was left after the second night of our enjoying it, I still indulged nightly for a week. There was a lot of bread pudding.

    For better or for worse, I forgot that it was there. As will happen so often in freezers around the world, the container made its way to the back, and was forgotten for months. If it had not been frozen in a Corning ware pot, it might have stayed there until I moved.

    I have a collection of Corning pots and pans, and all the square(ish) ones have lids. Last week I cleaned the kitchen in preparation for Passover, and I decided to relocate these pots and pans. As I did, I noticed I had an extra lid… strange.

    I spent a few days trying to figure out where it came from? Did my friends who gifted me the set give me an extra lid? I think I would have noticed that when I put everything away the first time. Did I (or someone else) break one? I could not think that would have happened… Had it been Leslie or my cleaning lady, they would have told me. The only other people who have been in my kitchen since I moved in are Lyle (who has never cooked for me in my kitchen) and Eduardo (who I’m not sure has ever cooked for me anywhere), and my kids… Aaron did make me a meal when I was laid up with my broken ankle, but I was in the kitchen with him the whole time and I would have noticed. The only thing Gilad ever makes in my kitchen is microwave popcorn. Not them.

    Friday was the first night of Passover, and while I did not have a Seder to go to, I was going to do my best to make it as well as I could. Unfortunately, the stores were closed that day, so I had to make do with what I had in the house. I reached into the freezer for the homemade chicken stock that Lyle had given me a few months ago and I saw it… right next to the frozen chicken stock was a Corning ware pot covered not with the iconic glass lid, but with aluminum foil.

    imageThe mystery of the extra lid was solved.

    Yesterday afternoon I pulled the dish out of the freezer so that I could throw out the contents and reclaim the pot. Aside from it being Passover, bread pudding is seriously not on my diet. It had to go! The only problem is that it was frozen solid.

    Lyle and Dorothy had Leslie and I over one day and they told us that someone was going to buy some of their Corning ware, but decided not to, citing that it was not microwave friendly. That has become a recurring inside joke. All joking aside, I did not want to microwave it for two reasons:

    1. Doing so would render my microwave treyf (no longer Kosher for Passover); and
    2. The magnificent aromas of the defrosting desert would make my mouth water and would likely be too great a temptation to resist taking even a little taste.

    I decided to let the pot sit on the counter overnight. Sometime today it would be sufficiently defrosted to throw out.

    In the meantime, for nearly fifteen hours, there was a very delicious, very naughty, very inviting desert just sitting there on the counter, ready for anyone to just dive into. It need not be a dive… just a taste of the sweet syrupy goodness would be sufficient, right?

    Let us ignore for the moment that from mast evening through early this afternoon, I was very much in the doghouse, and worried that I might never be allowed out again. The emotions in me – the wholly negative emotions that coursed through my veins – were saying ‘WHO CARES? Why bother dieting? Everything put together sooner or later falls apart, and you only live once so indulge and enjoy!’ Had I given in, I would have been done for.

    There is a quote from the television show The West Wing where Leo McGarry (brilliantly portrayed by the late John Spencer) says ‘I’m an alcoholic. I don’t need a good reason to <drink>.’ (Season 2, Episode 7) He also says, in an earlier episode (Season 1 Episode 13), in response to ‘You can’t have a drink?’ he replies: ‘The problem is, I don’t want a drink, I want ten drinks.’

    When I am at my best, when I am focused, when everything is well in the world, then I might (and only might) be able to take a taste and leave the rest. Last night and this morning I was nowhere near my best, and my focus was shot. Had I taken a taste of the pudding, I would have taken another taste… and after a few ‘who are we kidding?’ tastes, I would have abandoned all pretext and I would have taken a very large serving… or two.

    Have you ever had a battle of wits with a recently discovered Corning ware pot full of homemade treats? If you have, then you might be a food addict. I know I am.

    Shortly before 1:00pm, I got the call that made my heart soar. Leslie had forgiven me. It is much more complicated than just that, but the details are nobody’s business but ours.

    As I started cleaning up my dishes from lunch, I held open the kitchen garbage bag and emptied the tempting, sweet, gooey contents of the pot into it. HRF Princess Sophie helped me to tidy up the tiny bit that fell onto the floor. I immediately filled the pot with hot water and soap, and then sealed the garbage bag and walked it to the garbage room.

    It does not take much to defeat us. It is easy to give up. That is why we must celebrate and share our victories, so that others who might one day be in the doghouse with a pot full of bread pudding sitting on the counter can draw strength and courage to do the right thing… when the alternative would be so easy.

    There are days when I falter, fall, and fail. Today will not be one of those days. We have to remember that as a mantra for every day.

    Mitch and his diet: 1

    Temptation: 0

    Final Score… for now.