Losing a part of me

Category: Friends

  • Day 359

    Yesterday was exactly as long as I thought it was going to be, and by the end of it I was exactly as tired and worn down as I thought I would be. I achieved all of my goals… but some of them just barely. I once again only drank four of my five shakes, at 7:30am, 1:30pm, 4:00pm, and 7:30pm. By the time my class was done I was hungry, and I was exhausted, but I also knew that if I eat late at night there are consequences. Yesterday was my first day in Two-Town, and I want to stay there… permanently. That means that I cannot go off the program for a couple of days and splurge… not even with the crap that I am going through in my life. I read my list of goals for the day to my therapist, and she thought that it was an amazing list. She also told me that I did a wonderful job of focusing what we should be discussing and that it demonstrated that the new meds – and likely the increased dosage – are working wonders. She was concerned about the extreme weight loss plan and asked if I was being medically supervised. I am… by the same physician who referred her to me however many years ago.

    The fact that I made it to the end of the day still amazes me, but it is not really true. At 8:30pm I assigned the class their labs for the last hour of class, which meant that while I was prepared to answer questions, the lecture was done for the day. Unfortunately, I realized when I was asked a Linux question that as I tried to focus on the screen, it was a fruitless endeavour. My eyes were done… as was my voice. The students understood and were happy that I excused them if they were done with their work. Two of them were there until the end, but that was fine.

    Let’s go back to the subject of the meal replacements and other ingested items. While it was a conscious decision to refrain from enjoying the last meal replacement (which would have been at least 10:00pm), I did make a concerted effort to drink more water. No, I did not keep track of it. I was on three fitful hours of sleep, and I had to focus on other things. I do know that I drank at least three and possibly four of my Blender Bottles full, each of which holds about 750ml. three litres of water is a good amount. Contrary to what was expected (and even planned for), I did not make the second pot of coffee. I drank the same amount as I would on a normal day – tired or not, teaching or not, completely destroyed on the inside or not. Once again, my caloric input for the day did not exceed 650 calories. I really should work on that. What that says though is that – at least on busy days – I will not have any issues with the four meal replacements once I start on the Canadian program next week. Someone in one of the support groups on Facebook posted a link to a couple of clinics that are much closer to me than the one that I found. I am going to reach out to them tomorrow to see if I can purchase the meal replacements from them. It would cut the round-trip drive from over two hours to about 25 minutes. I am crossing my fingers.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were once again down significantly this morning. For the second day in a row, I lost two pounds. My fears of peaking above the three-hundred-pound mark were unfounded; rather, I am now only two pounds shy of my next major milestone. Having dropped two pounds two days in a row, it is not out of the realm of possibility that I might hit that milestone tomorrow morning… but it is unlikely. It is, however, quite likely that, if I stick to the program, I will succeed in achieving that goal before Wednesday, which will be Day 365. One hundred pounds lost in one year. How about that. I think back to my thoughts from October and early November, when I was on track to lose quite a bit more than one hundred pounds by New Year’s Eve… but that was when life was still good, when I was happy, and when I thought that I was on my way to living happily ever after. Life gets in the way, and sometimes you have to adjust your expectations… if not your ultimate goals. It was less than a week ago that I was thinking, ‘what if this is as good as I can do? What if this time I cannot crack the 300 lbs. mark, and I have to live the rest of my life struggling to tread water right here?’ I have lost seven pounds since thinking that and cannot think like that anymore. It is vital for me to keep my mind focused on achieving my goals. That way, if I stumble (as I have for the past two months), I will not give up. I will keep at it. I will find the strength within myself to get back on track. I will not, as I have twice in the past six years, get close, and then give up… and end up back where I was at my heaviest weight.

    My therapist and I spoke yesterday, and as I mentioned earlier in this article, she was very happy with my progress. Her focus is not on my weight loss, rather my mental health and ultimate happiness. This last month I have taken plenty of hits to both of those, so the main focus of our session yesterday was about the causes and consequences of those, and how I can cope and get past them to eventually find happiness. We did, however, spend a few minutes talking about my weight management program, as so much of it requires mental fortitude. As I mentioned yesterday, I received terrible news on Wednesday, but that the news had been expected for about a week She was worried that my starting back on the strict program was a knee-jerk reaction to that news. I told her (truthfully) that I have been giving thought to ‘going full regimented program’ for a couple of weeks now, and that I have expressed these thoughts in this journal. I should mention that I have never, not even once, gone back to a previous day and altered an entry for content. What I wrote two weeks ago is and will always be what I was thinking and sharing on that day two weeks ago. The timing of my change in program is unfortunate, especially since, going through the emotional anguish that I have been and continue to suffer, it would not only be so easy for me to turn to food for comfort, but it is also what I always did. Frankly, I still feel that it would be quite satisfying for my emotional pain to do that… but I will not. I am trying to stay on track… and truthfully, it also feels good to be losing weight.

    It is interesting to think that she (my therapist) thought that I might respond to stress and anxiety by going full-on with my weight loss. I reminded her that as long as she has known me (going on eight years) I have never starved myself in the hard times. Quite the opposite, I have always turned to food as a source of comfort, or to compensate for whatever was going on in my life. Food (especially bad foods) makes me happy, so when I have been unhappy with life, at least I could find some happiness in those foods. I have used foods to celebrate – ironically, I have had indulgent meals to celebrate weight loss milestones – and I have used it to commiserate. Often, I have simply used it to fill the time and to alleviate boredom. The fact that I am going through this terrible anguish, and I am redoubling my weight loss efforts without any cheating or indulgences… frankly, it is surprising even to me. She was shocked, knowing what I shared with her, that not only did I not indulge in food, but I have not even had a sip of alcohol through it. My original plan was to break that this evening so that I could say the Shabbat kiddush, but I have mostly decided against it. I will light my candles and say the prayers for that… but I will not be blessing (and drinking) the wine, and I will not be blessing (and eating) the challah. This is a time to focus on losing weight, and not because of my stresses and anguishes, rather because I need to succeed.

    I lied a couple of paragraphs ago. There was a day a couple of weeks ago that someone read something that I wrote that day (or the previous day), and felt it made them look like a bitch (their words, not mine). While I did not agree that it was how it read, and it was certainly never my intent, I did go back and re-write the paragraph for the on-line version of my article. I did not make the change in my private journal, but it is never my intent to make anyone feel bad or offended, so when that person called out that they felt I showed them in a bad light, I made the change. Other than that, I never change what I wrote.

    I decided this morning to shave my beard. It is not completely gone, but what yesterday might have made me look like an orthodox rabbi is now shorter and cleaner… and I expect will be easier to maintain. I am thinking that on my next visit to the barber I might go down to the goatee once more. We’ll have to see. As I have written several times this week, I am changing my look to be more professional, but also to make myself feel better. As with most people, I like looking better. I liked the rabbi-beard look, but it was very hard to maintain, and so often I would look at myself in the mirror and see that I was looking shaggy and scraggly. If that’s what I saw, then that is likely what others saw as well. The beard that extended two or more issues below my chin is now trimmed to a couple of millimetres and is a uniform length on my cheeks. This too should not be perceived as reactionary or knee-jerk; I have changed the look and length of my beard many times over the time that I have worn it, and with the exception of when I had to grow it for religious obligations (the deaths of my mother in 2018 and then my father in 2021), I have always done with it as I – or at times, my partner – has pleased.

    It is almost time to start teaching, but when the class gets to the point where the students are running labs, I will write about my goals for the day. As you the reader will not notice the 30–60-minute lapse, I will just go right into it.

    It is noon, and in a little while I will prepare my second shake of the day. I called the first clinic on my list, and they told me that at the very least, I would need a referral from my family physician to see their doctor to even discuss it. I do not know if, following that, they would sell me the meal replacements, or if I would need to be enrolled in their weight loss program specifically to be able to purchase them. I will ask my doctor if he can refer me, and I will mee with the doctor for the initial consultation, but I do not think that, if I have to be enrolled with them, that I would want to add an extra doctor’s appointment part of my routine. With that said, I am not making any decisions, and I will pursue the option. The second clinic has not answered their phone, but I will try again this afternoon.

    While I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night, when I eventually did, I slept. I was too tired not to. I do not remember if I woke up in the night to use the bathroom or not, but I do remember waking up an hour before my alarm, stretching, and doing something to my left calf muscle that I have done a few times when stretching in bed. I do not even know how to describe it, but for the minute or so before it relaxes, it is quite painful. Fortunately, there are no lasting effects of this… issue. After the requisite time, it abated, and I was asleep again in no time. I did press the snooze button a couple of times when my alarm went off. I knew that it snowed all night (and was still snowing), and that meant that if Princess Sophie was willing to go out at all, she would walk the five metres from the door to the near grass, pee, and then turn around and walk right back into the building. On a nice day, our walks will be thirty minutes long, and I have to plan for that on mornings that I have obligations. I knew that I would get that time back as soon as I looked out the window. I was right.

    The next couple of days I have a few dates with friends that are going to test my resolve. This evening, I am going to Eduardo’s house for a cigar. It will be the last cigar that we share indoors at his apartment, as tomorrow his wife returns from Uruguay. A lifelong chain-smoker, she now suffers from emphysema, and the smoke would bother her. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend at a pub, ostensibly for lunch, but also to catch up, and discuss the possibility of preparing for a new certification together. I have no problem showing up and just ordering coffee and know that if she presses me that I can rebuff her. It matters not at all that I know the pub where we are meeting makes delicious wings; I have to be good, and I will picture the long-term satisfaction of weighing less the following morning (and the elation it brings for a few hours), which will outweigh the immediate satisfaction of the greasy and fattening foods. In the afternoon I am meeting with another friend, a former colleague when he and I taught Taekwondo together. He has been trying to connect with me for some time, and it has just never worked out. We should be able to meet tomorrow for coffee, and while I might have trouble resisting the temptations at the pub, I doubt the goods at a café will be quite so enticing. A very close friend (the only friend aside from Eduardo) who knows or at least suspects what is going on) has been asking to see me because he knows (or suspects) what I am going through and wants to support me like the true friend that he is. In addition to that, he asked me this morning about the weight loss program that I am on, as he is also morbidly obese; he has been losing weight of late, but he told me that he hit a plateau (his words, only an echo of my own) and wants to really kickstart a true weight loss plan. I will discuss it with him, and let him know my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with it.

    It is nearly 12:30pm, and my students have five more minutes to work on their labs. I am hungry but decided to wait until the actual lunch break (at 1:00pm) to make and enjoy my shake. I have a few reasons for this, but one of them is that I am trying to teach myself that I do not have to start eating the minute I feel hunger. I can live with it for a little while and it will not kill me. This is just another piece of trying to change my unhealthy relationship with food.

    Have a great day folks… and Shabbat Shalom.

  • Day 349

    How nice it would have been to step onto the bathroom scale this morning and, for the second day in a row, find myself in best-weight-yet territory. Knowing that I did not cheat at all on my program yesterday, and knowing that I drank a lot of water, and that I had a healthy bowel movement this morning, it was really what I would have expected. Not the case. In fact, I was a full two pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning. I have no idea what that is about, other than to try to remember that weight loss – even when we follow the program perfectly – will never be a straight downward line. Yes, I hate days like this… but they are a good reminder that if I stay on track today (and tomorrow, and a few more tomorrows after that) then I will lose the weight that I have been working to lose, and it will all be worth it.

    Yes, I stayed true yesterday. Perhaps it could be considered a cheat that I had my third meal replacement at 9:30pm, but I was hungry… and while it was later than I usually like, it was still well within what I am allowed to eat on my program. I also drank a litre of water at the same time, which had me peeing more throughout the night than I would like. I do not know if I got out of be two or three times, but it was more than usual.

    I have gotten through a lot of work this morning, which is why I find myself writing this journal entry at 11:00am. Once I press PUBLISH, I am going to go to the supermarket to do some shopping. While I have chicken for today, I am out of vegetables. Also, if I do not pick up more today, I will need to go to the store tomorrow anyways, because I will be out of chicken. I might as well make a single trip. My goal is to stay on track and not buy anything that I do not need, or that might tempt me to cheat. I need vegetables, I need chicken. It is Tuesday, so I will not need bread until Friday. If I decide that I want hamburgers this week, I will have to eat them without the buns. Oh, speaking of which, I have to pick up mustard. There will be no cookies, no chips, no popcorn. I don’t care what the post-holiday sales are like, I am going to stay on track.

    I am teaching this evening, and I am excited to get back to it. I think I have everything I need ready to jump back into it – I know exactly which slide I finished with three weeks ago, and I know exactly what I will be covering today. Nonetheless, I might go through some demos this afternoon to make sure I can jump back into the groove.

    I was thinking about going to the gym this afternoon. My back and shoulder are very achy, and I know that I have to be sitting at my computer all evening to deliver my class. I am going to hold off until tomorrow afternoon, just to be safe. I have my doctor’s appointment in the morning, followed by an onboarding session with a training company at noon. After that, I will prepare my lunch, and head to the gym. I might be in pain tomorrow evening, but I do not have to teach tomorrow, so whether I just lie in a more comfortable position, or if I need to take pain meds (which I really hope not to need), I will be able to.

    Once again, my friend and Master told me that he might come over today. Yesterday he was supposed to come between 2:00-2:30, and at 2:45 he called to tell me that he was not coming but might come today. He is my Master and I owe him so much, but I am trying to figure out how to make him understand that when he says he is coming, I cannot make plans for the day beyond a 20–30-minute drive from the house. I have not seen him in a year, and that is often the frequency with which I see him… but that does not change the fact that in the last six weeks he has told either Eduardo or me that he would be coming over and has not.

    The plan for the day is to stay on track, and hopefully I will be able to stick to the meal plan. I just called my Master who told me he will not come over today, maybe tomorrow. I told him that he cannot come over tomorrow because I have plans. I am trying to make him understand that every time he tells me he might come over, I cannot plan anything else for that day… and I am done with that. I have too many things I need to do, too many people I would like to see, and I am not going to reserve a day again for this. It grinds me and it makes me sad because I do love him… but I cannot live my life around unreliability. Whether I go to the gym tomorrow afternoon or not, I will not let him block off part of my day that I could otherwise spend doing my own thing.

    Okay, I have put it off long enough. I will head to the supermarket now. Princess Sophie is on a play date next door, so I do not have to worry about her for a few hours. I assume she will be back in time to keep me company during class, but I will be able to eat my lunch in peace.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 348

    I feel significantly lighter today than I have in a very long time I say this for two reasons. The first is that one of the times I stepped onto my bathroom scale this morning I was at my lowest weight yet… more than two pounds lower than yesterday (when the scale was equally unreliable, but the weigh-ins were on the same spot on the floor)! That is a good indicator that my completely successful day yesterday (with regard to food intake) works. In other words, when I stick to that program religiously (three meal replacements and one meal) I can continue to lose weight. I know at some point in the future I am going to have to reduce the size of my meal, but for now I am happy that I can get back to this routine.

    I said I felt lighter for two reasons. I had nearly a thousand ‘friends’ on Facebook. Yesterday afternoon I culled that list. It is now down to 245 friends. I have also left two community pages that I created (one for a friend who dumped me as a friend, one for a business I stopped owning seven years ago) and left almost seventy-five groups (many of which were either cigar groups or fan pages). I am still a member of twenty-five groups, and I own two others, but this culling should really cut down on my Facebook noise. Already this morning I noticed as I scrolled through my feed that the content was much more relevant to what I want to see, and a lot less cluttered with crap. There are a few people who I thought about culling but did not – specifically, a couple of people who tend to be extremely right-wing and like to share their vitriol and conspiracy crap a lot… one of them is a cigar buddy, another is a work colleague. I decided to leave them both on my list… for now

    My back is aching again today. I suspect the muscular recovery from my workout the other day is still going on, which is fine… Muscle aches like these are the penance I must pay for having let myself go for so long, and now wanting to be in shape. It is a fair price to pay. My knee is still painful in the night when I am lying down; I will try to remember to discuss that with my doctor on Wednesday.

    Speaking of Wednesday. Normally I would sit down at my keyboard after coming in from my walk with Princess Sophie and start writing my daily entry immediately. As I started this morning, I was interrupted by a slew of emails from one of the companies for which I did a demo teach in December. The entire Account Creation process is more cumbersome than you might think, especially when they are a company that assigns each instructor an email account. I suppose that means this is one of the organizations for whom I will not be sharing my personal contact information with my students, which is fine. Going through all of their material, I was concerned because it looked like they assigned several classes to me, one of which begins tomorrow, another begins (and ends) last month. We got that cleared up when she told me that they only assign me to the classes so that I can have access to the requisite training material. Phew! This was the org for whom I did a great delivery but screwed up one technical item which their technical guy called me on. I wasn’t sure if they were going to fail me for that, but it seems that they are happy with my delivery ability. Yay! This all has to do with Wednesday how, you ask? They originally scheduled me to sit their Welcome Session next week, but the time conflicts with another delivery that I am doing for someone else. They rescheduled it for this Wednesday, which works for me.

    As Princess Sophie and I walked this morning I realized that my pants – the new Size-40 pants that I just bought – might be a little loose. Initially I thought how great it would be if I would fit into a Size-38 so quickly… but realized that as I lose weight, some things will fit and feel different. The larger I was, the tighter I would have to wear my pants… my belt would often feel like a tourniquet around my waist. I am now wearing a Size 40 pants with a Size 40 belt (on the last hole); as I lose more weight, before I start buying new pants, first I will move to the second and then third hole on the belt. Once I realize that my pants really would fall off without the belt, that is when I will buy new pants. No matter, it is nice to feel less constricted.

    My goal for today is to stay on course. I am waiting for confirmation from my Master and friend to see if he is coming over this afternoon for computer help (and to catch up); as much as I love him, he is notoriously unreliable with time, and has what I have often referred to as a casual relationship with time. I told him when we were speaking last night point blank that when he tells me he is coming over, a 30-minute window is acceptable, but a 2-hour window is not. Say you are coming at 2:00pm and show up twenty minutes later, great. However, it is unreasonable for him to expect me to cancel any plans for the entire day (or afternoon) waiting for him to maybe show up… eventually. Yes, I understand that he has things to do and that he is running around, and it is not his fault… but I also have things to do, and when he tells me he will come at 2pm it has in the past meant that my entire afternoon is shot because he will show up… eventually. I have known about this casual relationship with time since the first time we invited him for dinner… Theresa and I prepared everything, and I put the salmon on the grill at 6:00pm, to be timed perfectly with his promised 6:15pm expected arrival time (and in compliance with his request that we not serve meat). At 8:45pm it was without a doubt the driest salmon I have ever tasted in my life. In the meantime, I have done enough work setting up accounts on this new training provider, so I think I will get lunch ready.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 347–January 1, 2023

    Happy New Years to one and all! It is usually at the end of the year, rather than at the beginning, when we reflect on the past year. After sitting and chatting with Eduardo last night, I have been thinking back on it. 2023 was a great year and a troubling one. I married Leslie, I lost over ninety pounds. During my weight loss journey (which is ongoing, and at the current pace will take another year) I wrote in this journal every single day (although I missed a day on the blog because I forgot to press Publish). I have had some professional ups and downs, but I am still standing. Fortunately, my career as an IT Trainer is still going strong… despite some bad bumps on the road.

    All has not been sunshine and roses though. I experienced a lot of downs. Knowing now what I do, many of them were caused by outside interference, and many more by my only recently diagnosed ADHD. These were all very difficult, but I am hoping that with therapy (which resumes next week) and medications (which started last week, but which I hope to be able to increase my dosage of this week) I will be able to navigate my future in a much more positive way.

    Yesterday I spent a few hours with Lyle and Dorothy. As promised, they served a homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch which was quite tasty. We exchanged holiday gifts, which was quite sweet. They really are very thoughtful people. I am sitting at my desk with my new Montreal Canadiens mug, which was only one of the eight Chanukah presents they bought me! We sat outside and talked for a couple of hours before I went home to take care of a few things that needed to be done. I arrived home and realized that Princess Sophie had been dognapped! No, not really… her friend Charlie asked his Mommy to pick her up, and they spent the afternoon together. By the time she came home, she was wiped out!

    I enjoyed the soup, but it was not as satisfying a meal as I hoped for. By 4:00pm I was hungry, and I made my usual chicken and salad. I made an Israeli salad with tomato and onions. It was quite tasty! I am not sure why I held the lettuce; it probably has something to do with a photo I saw on my Facebook Memories. Either way, I will likely be back to my regular scheduled salad with my lunch today.

    I did some work on the computer that I have been meaning to do, and then at 6:30pm I was ready to head out to see Eduardo. Her Floofness wanted to go out first, so we went for a quick walk (which included taking care of all of her business). I was not going to deprive her, especially since it was raining in the morning, and she held it in much of the day without an accident. I spent a few hours with Eduardo, and then was home (as predicted) shortly before 10:00pm… in time to take the Princess out for one more walk. I then spent a couple of hours on the computer until a minute before midnight, when I texted Leslie that I loved her, and then shut down my systems.

    While I did have the soup and then a full meal, as well as some nuts at Eduardo’s, I do not think I went overboard. I think that for my first ‘back on track’ day, I did pretty well. My goal is to keep doing better, and that this year – 2023 – will be the last year that I will ever have to do a crazy intense diet. I know I will have to work on getting slim this year, and then work on staying slim every day for the rest of my life. I do not have the genes that some people have that lets them eat without gaining weight, so if I want to be thin and in good shape, it will have to be a constant in my life. I am not saying that I will never be able to have a cheat meal… only that I will not be able to fall back into the bad habits which plagued me for the past twenty-seven years. Also, I will have to work hard to stay in shape, which means not only from a dietary standpoint, but also from a physical activity one. I do not know if that will forever mean going to the gym, or fitness walking, or Taekwondo, or a combination of these and other activities. I just know that my obesity is only partly caused by my love for fattening foods, and it could have been held in check had I always remained active.

    I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, but for today my bathroom scale is reading all over the place. The numbers ranged from two pounds up from yesterday to two pounds down. I was able to get two consistent readings at that lower number, so I accepted it. I am, once again, half a pound from my best-weight-yet territory. Considering I did not really veer from the program yesterday, I think it is best to start the new year on a positive note. Again, I will be weighed on the doctor’s scale on Wednesday, and that will be my next official weight. For now, I can be as angry as I want with my bathroom scale… or rather, with the floor of my apartment which is absolutely terrible.

    Assuming that the bathroom scale is reasonably accurate this morning, it means I have two major milestones coming. First, I am only 3.5 lbs. from breaking under the 300-pound mark; after that, I have only another five pounds to go before I can honestly say that I have lost one hundred pounds. I confess that if it were not for life getting in my way (and myself getting in my own way) I had expected to hit both of those milestones in early December. Okay, I dealt with all of the crap I had going on, and now it is time to buckle down and lose more weight. If I am truly a creature of habit, then I can look at the past year and realize that after four months of weight loss I had lost forty-five pounds, and then plateaued for about two months. I then lost another forty-five pounds and plateaued again for a little under two months. If that is to be a pattern, then I do not mind getting down another 45-pounds between now and late April. Unfortunately, it is not so easy for me to sit on the plateau and know I will indeed follow the pattern. I also have to be careful to not aim for it, because while it would be nice to be down to that weight, I am trying to get into a healthy lifestyle, and by forgetting the pattern I could skip the next plateau altogether. We’ll see. In the meantime, I just want to press that elevator button to start going down.

    I had a very frank discussion with Lyle and Dorothy about weight loss, and especially how important it is for him and me to continue on our parallel missions to get healthy and lose weight. I told him that until his recent stroke, he and I had a very dangerous problem: we were extremely obese, but otherwise we were perfectly healthy. Of course, that is not entirely true, as is demonstrated by my gout and his stroke, but on the surface, it seemed that way. We discussed the importance of regular medical visits and checkups, including heart rate monitoring but also bloodwork and more. I am glad that I have been checking in with my doctor every month (and occasionally more frequently than that), and for my American readers who may believe the Republican propaganda bemoaning the condition of the Canadian healthcare system, I can vouch that it is both extremely efficient, and completely free.

    I suspect that stores are closed today, but that matters little as I have everything I need in the house. I took Princess Sophie out this morning, and of course I will do so again later in the afternoon. Between now and then I will likely have a lazy holiday Sunday. The only actual chore I have to do is to shine my boots, which needs to be done quite regularly during the snowy months. Aside from that, I will relax, watch some TV, maybe read a little bit, and possibly study some Torah. We’ll see what the day brings. I am sure that at some point there will be a cigar or two in the mix.

    Have a great day folks, and happy new year!

  • Day 322

    It was touching when a friend reached out yesterday to see if I was okay. She mentioned that she rarely visits my blog, but for some reason she did yesterday. She was worried about me. I have to be honest, I am worried about me too.

    This has been a very busy morning, starting at the doctor’s office (where I weighed in 2kg less than two weeks ago), and discussing a number of issues with him. One of the more aggravating issues we discussed was my blood work that I took over the weekend. Everything looks good… I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is fine, yada yada… but the vampires forgot to test my uric acid levels, which was exactly the reason I went to have my blood drawn in the first place. One day later this week I have to go back, for no good reason other than the lab screwed up. I confess I am not too keen to go. It is not because I like the pain caused by gout – trust me, I do not – but because I just don’t care about myself very much right now. I just don’t give a damn.

    Yes, I am writing from a place I seldom write from. I do not remember a time in recent memory where I was so down, and I have no recourse. I have nobody to turn to. I just do not think anyone really cares right now. I am hurt down to my soul, and I do not know how to get out of it. None of my usual avenues are currently open to me, so I guess I just have to keep struggling. I hate this… and I hate myself right now.

    All of this, despite what I think was a very good demo teach for a company that wants to hire me for contract work. I seem to do well when I am on camera. Off camera? I just want to crawl into a hole. If not a hole, then maybe a booth at a restaurant where I could gorge myself on the foods that I have been denying myself this last year. After all, if nobody else seems to care, why the fuck should I?

    Despite this, I am forcing myself to go on. I am making my chicken and salad for lunch and will smoke cigars on the balcony this afternoon. I want to study for an exam, but I do not have it in my soul today. I am broken, and I cannot seem to figure out what glue I need to put myself back together.

    Princess Sophie is at her quarterly spa appointment and will come home looking gorgeous and coifed. After I bring her home, I might try to go to the gym. Maybe getting onto a treadmill will help. I cannot imagine it will, but I am going to try. In the meantime I literally feel like Marvin the Paranoid (and inappropriately named) Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Don’t talk to me about life. Maybe I can have a competition with the toaster to see which one of us can rust to death faster.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 312

    Yesterday was a very relaxing day for us. I prepared an omelette for breakfast, and we shared the leftover challah roll from the previous evening’s Shabbat blessings. I then enjoyed a cigar on the balcony in the morning as Leslie sat knitting. We did not need the heater on which is impressive for November 26 in this part of the world. We took a very relaxing afternoon nap together, which is something we both enjoy tremendously!

    We spent the evening at Lyle and Dorothy’s, together with Rob and his wife Pippa. It was a lovely evening, and as always, the food was spectacular… even though both Lyle and Dorothy were not pleased with the presentation of their parts of the meal. Just sitting and socializing was nice, but the food (and the dessert) was quite tasty!

    After charging it the previous evening, I forgot to don my fitness watch in the morning, so my long walk with Princess Sophie did not get registered. If that is the worst thing that happened in a day, then I am considering it a win! I do not care that Garmin thinks I only walked 2500 steps in a day… we know better!

    Today is Leslie’s last full day in town. Tomorrow afternoon I have to drive her to the airport, and we will be facing yet another month-long separation, which is always hard for both of us. I am glad that she will be back in time to welcome in the New Year, but our time apart keeps getting harder and harder. I pray that in the new year, the Department of State will finally see fit to approving my spousal visa so that we can live together forever.

    On tap for today… not much. I think we are going to have a fairly quiet day close to home. If there is anything that we decide to do then we will, but our main focus will be on being together and maximizing our time together. The forecast calls for a high of 6° Celsius, and for rain much of the day. We have plenty of food in the house, both ready to prepare and leftovers, so unless there is something that really piques her fancy, we will likely eat in.

    Tomorrow afternoon I will with a heavy heart drive my wife to the airport, and then I will drive to Milton to hang out with Eduardo. He bought a mezuzah, and I will hang it for him and say the proper blessings for that. Tuesday morning, I will start my new regimen of going to the gym nearly every day. No, I will not commit to going every day, but most days. Now that my concerns about my knee (as well as the excruciating pain) are behind me, I can get into beast mode. No, I am not going to push myself too hard… but I will be combining aerobic and anaerobic exercises to get my slimmer body back into shape. I will also, after the leftovers are gone, be going back onto my religious food intake program that I was doing so well with… and there will be no cheating for the entire month that Leslie is in Dallas. I am relieved that the weight that I gained during my knee issues and her visit has been minimal, and I look forward to attacking that best-weight-ever territory again… once I have lost about six pounds. My food intake and my workout regimen will make that a reality, and while the 50 kg year is looking more and more unlikely, the 100 lbs. lost in the year is still very much on the table. It is important to set goals in my weight loss. It is also important to remember them every time I am tempted to cheat.

    I am going to see if Leslie is awake, and if she is not then I will sit on the balcony with a cigar. If she is awake, I will spend more quality time with her. She needed the rest, so I let her sleep in (and prevented Princess Sophie from interrupting that as well).

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 311

    Friday was a perfectly normal day in the Garvis household. Leslie and I did some shopping in the morning, and then in the afternoon she took a nap while I relaxed next to her. I have been experiencing a minor discomfort in my torso; it is not a stomach issue, rather in the muscles around my back and into my sides. It is nowhere near the level I would need to even speak with a doctor, much less make an appointment to go see one. Still, it is there, and I will pay attention to it.

    After waking from her nap, Leslie prepared her special chicken salad, which I look forward to trying today. You see, after the preparation it must sit for twelve hours, so I did not even get a taste of it. I am eager to though and will report back tomorrow on how wonderful it is. We decided to add one ingredient to a small portion of the salad, and so one of the containers will have dill in it.

    For lunch we picked up food from the prepared foods section of the supermarket. Leslie opted for pasta salad and a couple of meat balls. I chose a Thai chicken curry soup which was scrumptious! For dinner we had Chinese food, which will likely be my last really bad cheat meal before going back onto the program. Of course, there are leftovers of that and the Italian food, so those will be eaten before they go to waste.

    As will always be the case after indulging in Chinese food, my weight was up slightly this morning. Was it worth it? I do not know. I think Leslie’s Lemon Chicken was, but my General Tao Beef probably was not. There is a huge container of leftovers in the fridge, and I strongly suspect that most of the beef will end up going into the bin.

    Leslie is sad that we only have two more days together before she returns to Dallas on Monday. I am trying to keep that out of my mind, and just enjoy our time together. For the next two days we still get to sit together, laugh together, go to sleep and wake up together. It is difficult, but I try to focus on that… and not what will be after Monday’s dreaded drive to the airport.

    This evening we are going to Lyle and Dorothy’s for the Thanksgiving meal that was aborted Thursday because of Lyle’s health. We are both nervous that Lyle will be overdoing things less than two weeks after suffering a stroke. We have voiced our concerns to Dorothy, and she promises us that she is doing most of the work. I think we cannot help but to be concerned about our friend. We told them that we are really looking forward to seeing them, but take-out fast food would be fine with us, whatever would require the least effort on his part. In any event, I am sure it will be a lovely evening; however concerned we are, he is a big boy who will decide for himself what he can and cannot do.

    The weather forecast says it will be sunny with a high of 11° Celsius today, which means there is a good chance that Leslie and I will be enjoying a cigar on the balcony before we head to Hamilton. We have a couple of minor errands to run along the way. We will make a pit stop at Bulk Barn to collect some peppermint hot chocolate powder for her to take home with her, and we have to stop in at Pet Smart – or another pet store – because Princess Sophie broke her name tag yesterday. We have nothing else planned for the day, only to be together and to enjoy being together. It is a gift that we appreciate so much more for our long and frequent separations.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 310

    My diet buddy had to cancel yesterday’s meeting for professional reasons. She is a teacher in a school and was acting principal yesterday. There was an accident with the school bus, and she had a lot of reports that had to be written. That is a perfectly understandable reason for canceling!

    Leslie and I spent a few hours with Lyle yesterday, and he shared with us his holiday slide show. It is amazing how people go on vacation differently, and how different their telling of a trip can be. Lyle, for example, is a master chef, and a genius of the culinary arts. As such, there were scores of pictures of food, and he gave us a detailed explanation of every dish that they ate during their ten days in Italy. If it was me, expert in many things but not in foods, I might have had a picture or two of a couple of dishes, but I would have simply raved about how wonderful the food was.

    One possible unexpected consequence of the telling was that after seeing so many pictures (and hearing the explanations) of unkosher meats, I got queasy in my gut. Queasy might even be the wrong word; I was in pain – so much so in fact that I ended up in the washroom twice while we were there, and then after an uncomfortable drive home, once when we were here. It was a weird sensation, knowing that I was having those sharp pains, but also, not having eaten since morning, I was hungry. If ever two diametrically opposed pains there were!

    I had a small bite to eat when I was finished in the washroom, and then Leslie and I relaxed for a couple of hours. One unsurprising consequence of the slideshow was that both of us were in the mood for Italian food, and I made reservations at a restaurant in Oakville that I have loved for years and have not been to in quite some time. Leslie took one look at the menu and knew that she would be having the mushroom risotto – she is an absolute fiend for mushrooms! As I am eating differently than I did that last time I ate there, I also picked a mushroom pasta dish. Not only am I eating much less meat than I used to, I am also reticent to eat meat in restaurants that might serve pork. Also, the mixing of meat with cheese is forbidden. As such, the vegetarian options are simpler. It was truly tasty! For dessert, I had a chocolate tartufo (which is an Italian ice cream) while Leslie enjoyed her cannoli siciliano, which were both out of this world!

    With all of my cheats yesterday, I expected my weight to be up a pound or even more this morning. I stepped onto the scale and was shocked to see that it was down; not only was it down, it was down nearly six pounds! It was down to what I weighed two weeks ago, right before my knee started to hurt, and before my weight loss slide started! In disbelief, I stepped off the scale, moved it a few inches, and tried again, and then once more. While all three measurements were slightly different, they were all within the margin of error. Is it possible that my bowel issues yesterday afternoon cleared out some sort of blockage that has been causing my weight gain this past fortnight? I do not know, but I am really hoping that it is not an anomaly. I will continue as I have been these last few days and will once again resume my strict regimen once Leslie flies home. If I am back to where I was, then I will be thrilled. I have been thinking these last couple of days that when I got back to the routine, I would have nearly ten pounds to lose to get back into best-weight-yet territory. If this is the truth, then it is really only 2-3 lbs.

    We do not have a lot planned for the day. I know we have to do some shopping for groceries – we have to buy challah for the Sabbath, and Leslie wants to make chicken salad, so we need the fixings for that – but aside from that, I think we are going to spend a quiet day close to home. It is nice out, but extremely windy, and unless the wind dies down throughout the course of the afternoon, I do not see us sitting outside on the patio and smoking. The forecast does predict that the wind abates by about 3pm, so that might be a possibility, but we will play it by ear. One of the great parts about a lazy day – and a day when neither of us has to work – is that we can do that. No plans, we will just do what we want to do.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 309

    I have said before that I am blessed for my health. Not once, but three times I have been so morbidly obese as to worry doctors. And yet, with the exception of my gout, I have never had an actual health scare that turned out to be a real something. When I was turning thirty-nine, I was getting dizzy and light-headed and came close to passing out when driving. After a number of tests, it turned out that I needed glasses. That does not count as a real scare. Before I started losing weight the first time, my doctor told me that I had indicators of being pre-diabetic. Those disappeared when I lost a few pounds and has not reoccurred since. That too does not count as a real scare. My gout, for all of the pain and discomfort that it causes me, is relevant to my diet, but not to my overall physical condition. As I said before, I have been blessed. There are not a lot of middle-aged men who are morbidly obese who can say that.

    I am reflecting on this today because a very close friend told me yesterday that he had a minor stroke last week, or rather a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack). It happened the day after I collected him and his wife from the airport to drive them home. It happened the day after they gratefully handed me a slice of pizza that they had smuggled into Canada from Rome, Italy. It happened a day after we talked about how great he was feeling, and how much walking they had done on his trip to Italy. It shook me. I messaged him yesterday to ask him what time Leslie and I should come over today for our scrumptious Thanksgiving dinner. The response was unusual from him: Call me now please. While we speak on the phone all the time, it occurred to me that he has never asked me to call, certainly not with any urgency in his tone.

    I hope I can be forgiven for not reaching out to him these last ten days. On the day that he suffered his TIA, I not only started teaching my class, I also realized how much pain my knee was in. Over the next few days, my ability to walk was hindered, and I could hardly go to a doctor as I was teaching my class all week. I was stressed that in the middle of this class I was teaching, I also had to take time out to meet with the psychologist who was evaluating my son the younger for his educational assessment. I was stressed about that and was also anxious that Friday my wife was coming to visit. For a couple of days, I was also stressed that Eduardo had asked me to pick him and his wife up early Friday morning and drive them to the airport, meaning that it would be an extremely long day. While the stress of that would be relieved, it would soon be replaced by a call from my ex-wife that my son the elder had a series of seizures and was transported to hospital for unknown reasons. For three days he lay in intensive care, sedated and intubated… for reasons nobody could explain. All of this weighed on me, and in fact it is not uncommon for me to not speak with even my closest friends for weeks on end. It does not mean that we are angry, it simply means that we are busy.

    When Lyle told me what happened I was truly shaken to my core. As he continued to try to apologize that he had lost track of time and would not be preparing Thanksgiving dinner for us, Leslie and I were just concerned for him and his health, fancy meals be damned. Today at lunchtime she and I will take him a quart of soup. We will sit with him for however long he is comfortable, and then we will take our leave. We will likely not even stay for lunch; we will just deliver the soup for him.

    Leslie and I talked after we got off the phone with him, and we discussed how this is a strong reminder that I have to keep to my weight loss and workout goals to get healthy and slim. I want to spend a very long and healthy life with her. In order to do that, I have to live a very long and healthy life. The steps that I am taking (and must continue to take) are a big part of that. I have been so lucky all these years to be healthy despite my obesity. I have likened it before to gambling; I have been ‘playing with the house’s money’ in a casino; anybody who knows anything about gambling knows that given time, the house always wins their money back. The trick to winning is knowing when to get up from the table and to be happy with what you have won, rather than pressing your luck and expect to continue to win. I have to walk away from the table now. I need to lose the weight and get into shape now, before the casino takes its money back. I need to get healthy before my not-unhealthy streak comes to an end.

    I do not know what else we have planned for today, but Leslie and I will likely just take it easy. It is going to be warm out, so we might sit on the patio with a cigar (or two) this afternoon. We’ll see. Right now, I am only concerned about seeing Lyle, and making sure that he is okay.

    Today is Thursday, and so I am supposed to meet with my diet buddy. We have not spoken since her surgery, and I know she was recovering in, of all places, Yukon. She was supposed to fly back into town this past Monday, and I have reached out to ask her if we are speaking today. I hope we do, but that will be up to her. I still wonder if now that she has had the surgery if she will be as motivated to meet. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 303

    Up nearly a pound today. Yuck. Yes, the weather has had me down, and my bum knee has prevented any serious activity. Neither of those were reasons to cheat yesterday. I decided to buy popcorn for when Leslie is here… and I indulged in a bag. This, after munching on some peanuts and dried apricots on my way home from the grocery store. BAD MITCH.

    What matters more than anything is that Leslie arrives tonight! I am so excited! I am really looking forward to finally having her back in my arms, and not in the Rectangle Zone where we have spent the last month on video chats. In preparation, I did laundry – my bed sheets needed to be changed, and there was a load of laundry already sitting in the dryer that I took the opportunity to fold. I bought only the provisions required to make her breakfast tomorrow, as I know that we love grocery shopping together. I finally got around to wrapping the Channukah presents that she will take back to Texas with her, and I included with that pile a Chanukkiah (candelabra) so that she and her son (my stepson!) can light the candles with me from Dallas. I have to remember to point out that the best way that I have found to clean the leftover wax out from the previous evening is with a flathead screwdriver… and I did my best to clean it out for her. I am ready for my wife to arrive!

    I thought I was going to have to get up at a ridiculously early hour this morning, but late in the afternoon yesterday Eduardo called and cancelled. He had been worried that his smaller car would not be big enough to hold all of his estranged wife’s luggage for the drive to the airport, but his son was able to get all of it in without too much trouble. While I was happy to help (even though it would have made today a very long and difficult day for me), I was relieved when he told me I did not have to wake up at 3:30am to start my day. Not to confuse sleeping until 6:15am with sleeping in, I was nevertheless able to start my day at a reasonable (and pre-planned) hour to go through my morning routines, including taking Her Royal Floofness for a walk to the park. Well, for me it is still a stumble/limp to the park, but my knee is a bit better than it was yesterday, and my girl was able to play with some friends, romp in the fresh snow, and do all of her business. She will likely have a playdate with Charlie today, but Sue will confirm that in the next hour.

    With the returned normalcy to my day, I will go to Eduardo’s after class this evening (after lighting the Sabbath candles). We will smoke a couple of cigars, and we will commiserate. His original thought last week was that he would be celebrating his estranged wife’s departure, which effectively ends their marriage. I told him that as Jews we do not celebrate the death of an enemy in war, we take the time to think on what that other person (even our most hated enemies are people too) have given up. It should be the same with the ending of an unhappy marriage. While they may not have been happy together, they did once care about each other to get married. He agreed, and so tonight we will not celebrate, but we will look back… and look forward.

    From Eduardo’s I will drive to the airport! I will pick up my beautiful wife and for the first time in just over a month I will be able to hold her in my arms. I miss that so much, and it feels like much longer than a month since she dropped me off at the airport in Dallas. Our physical separations cause me physical pain, and I know she feels the same. Each separation – whether a few days or a few weeks – is harder and harder, but the reunifications are so sweet! The anticipation may well kill me though… I still have fifteen hours to wait before I get to see her.

    This evening, right after class, I will call her, and once again we will light the Sabbath candles. We will say the benedictions over the candles, the wine, and the challah. Once again, I will say my prayers sincerely asking G-d to deliver peace and joy to all of my loved ones. I think this week, more than many, my loved ones are in need of it. I think maybe I am too.

    Have a great day folks!