Losing a part of me

Category: frustration

  • Know Where To Stick Your Comments

    **This is another article that I wrote during a previous weight loss attempt. It is funny how little editing I needed to do in order to make it apply perfectly to this week, nearly three years later. –MDG

    Has anyone else had it up to here (gesturing just above my head) with people telling you what to do with regard to your weight loss? Is there someone in your life who thinks they know better than you? I suspect we all try to be polite to them, but sometimes it can be too much.

    There was one person that I met recently who fed into my stress. As I said, I have very little patience for people who try to tell me what I should be doing to lose weight… no matter what their intentions are. Yes, they mean well… but do me a favour and keep your opinions to yourself.

    “Mitch, you know that the extra weight you are carrying around is not healthy, right? If you were to do X, you would continue to lose even more weight. You will be so much happier when you do!”

    I usually do not respond when someone opens their mouth like this, but I suppose was having a bad day, and this was just too far. ‘Hey, Fred (not his real name) … thanks for your concern. One of us has lost about 115lbs in the last year, and the other one of us should shut up and save his advice for when I ask for it. Would you care to guess which one of us is which?’

    Yeah, ‘Fred’ was more than a little surprised that I would say that… but really, at this point I think I’ve done pretty well, and that the method I am using is pretty good, wouldn’t you say? If I did not want your advice when I was at my heaviest, what makes you think I would want it now? If you want to offer support, offer words of encouragement. Things that friends have said over the past few weeks:

    • Oh my G-d, Mitch… I cannot believe how well you are doing! Keep it up!
    • Mitch, you look amazing! Keep up the good work!
    • Wow… you are a shadow of your former self!
    • You are a true inspiration to me!
    • Mitch, you look hot!

    All of these are perfectly acceptable (and welcome!) comments. Keep them coming folks!

    The following, on the other hand, are neither helpful nor welcome, and if it is what you were thinking of saying, then just say nothing:

    • You are doing well, but you still have a lot of weight to lose.
    • Mitch, how much more weight do you think you need to lose?
    • If you’d like, I know a doctor with an amazing weight-loss plan that would help you lose the weight even faster!
    • You’ve lost so much weight and still wear a Size 38 pants?
    • You should do X to lose more weight.
    • The program you are following is not healthy, so be careful.
    • If you do not change your habits, you are just going to gain the weight back again.

    Do you see that most of these comments sound like they are meant to encourage me? Some of them are from people who want to help, who think they are helping. Do you know what they all have in common? They are all unsolicited. I can almost guarantee at this point that I know more about weight-loss, but certainly about my own body and weight loss, than you do. I have also spent more time morbidly obese than you have. Please, keep it to yourself.

    I welcome, I love hearing, I love getting words of encouragement. Positive reinforcement is wonderful, and when people tell me how great I look it makes me well with joy. I have figured out what works for me, and that is why I look the way I look now, rather than what I looked like a year (or even three months) ago. Let me keep at it… I assure you I have no desire to ever gain another ounce again. But I have figured out a way to do it without your help, and I am my own harshest critic.

    When I was married to my second wife, I went on a weight-loss program. I asked Theresa (my now ex-wife) to be my Diet Sergeant. For a couple of months, she was… and with her help I did pretty well… until I did not. When I tried to get back on track, I asked her to resume her duties. She told me that it was unfair of me to put that responsibility on her… when no matter how strict she was, I could always circumvent her ‘authority.’ She was right… My diet is just that… mine. The responsibility is mine, and the success or failure of it is mine.

    I am my own harshest critic… in all things, not just the diet program. I beat myself up over it all the time, and nothing that you say will be harsher than what I say to myself. The difference is that I have the right… you do not. My mother used to say that if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. She was the worst offender of this advice that I have encountered in my fifty years on the planet. That does not make it bad advice, it just makes her a hypocrite. If you want to encourage me, say something nice… and completely nice. Be prepared with a follow-up should I be self-deprecating. I’ll give you an example:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… you look like you have lost a ton of weight!

    (Me) Thanks, but it’s just a drop, and I have so much more to go.

    (You) Well you are doing great… whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

    Do you see how easy that was? On the other hand, the following would be a terrible way to follow up:

    (You) Wow, Mitch… I can’t believe how much slimmer you are than the last time I saw you!

    (Me) Thanks, but I hope the next time you see me I will be even slimmer still.

    (You) Make sure you have the occasional cheat meal, so you do not give up completely. Want to join us for pizza?

    I cheat enough, and I do not need your encouragement or permission. If I tell you I want to lose more weight, just follow up with ‘Well, you are doing great!’ or ‘Whatever you have been doing, keep doing it!’ That’s all I want. That’s all I need. If you cannot say something 100% positive, then don’t say anything.

  • Day 367

    Yesterday’s realization regarding my falling out of that extreme classification (Morbidly/Severely Obese, or Obesity Class III) felt so good. I could not stop kvelling about it! I called my wife and told her that I was obese! She could not figure out what I meant… until I explained it, at which point it was definitely something to celebrate. She has been my number one supporter throughout the process… even if sometimes (more often than either of us wish) she has had to show it to me through tough love.

    I have said often that when I look in the mirror, I still see a fat man. I have said often that this might be a psychological thing that will never go away. However, I looked in the mirror this morning; a day after spending a lot of time reading my thoughts and feelings and perceptions from the beginning of my journey – as well as where I was after I fell off and started gaining weight and losing ground – and tried to evaluate myself realistically. I still have a belly… but it is nowhere near as immense as it was a year ago. I still have man-boobs that hang down, but they do not hang down as far nor feel as heavy as they were. I still have ‘love handles…’ but they are not sticking out from my centre nearly as much as they did. When I stand with my hands to my side, if my arms are completely rigid then my hands do stick out… but only a little, and not nearly what it was. I can look at myself objectively and see real progress. That could be because of the exercise I did with the tape measure the other day, or maybe it is because as my body shrinks, the mental anguish of being morbidly/severely/Class III obese is shrinking as well. It may not shrink as quickly… but I think that my mind is starting to accept that I was not always fat, and I do not have to always be fat.

    Yesterday was weird. I had a lot of disruptions – some of which were professional and important, others… less so. However, in the afternoon I sat at my desk, and for the first time in I don’t know how long… I studied. I probably spent five or six hours working on my new certification, which is really exciting. It is not really the certification that is exciting, it is the knowledge and skills that I am learning from the studies. Additionally, I realized something that I have told my students countless times… the class materials are a great starting point, but they are not enough. I spent a couple of extra hours building a virtual lab environment for myself so that I can play with the tools we are being taught… and not just press the buttons that the labs tell us to press. This is taking me outside of my comfort zone – I have always been able to do absolutely anything related to Microsoft Windows, but my experience with Linux is much less complete. Building the machine was a challenge (that took me hours to overcome), and then realizing that the differences between this particular version of the Linux distro that I downloaded – in name, the same as the one that CompTIA integrates in all of its labs, but in practice the differences between that and this look like jumping from Windows 7 to Windows 11. In short, things that I thought I knew I would have to relearn… or more accurately, learn better. This journey is also helping me to see that if I keep it up, I might be able to change my descriptor from ‘IT Professional with a strong understanding of security’ to ‘IT Security Specialist.’ We’ll see.

    I said at the beginning of the last paragraph that it was weird, but I want to elaborate on that. It has been years since I have been able to sit at a desk and focus on studying. I am not saying that I did not get distracted, which would be a lie. I am saying that every time I was distracted, I did what was called for, and then went back to studying. It was truly amazing that over the course of six or seven hours, I probably did a legitimate five hours of studying. With my inability to focus and concentrate for so many years I have not been able to do that, and I see this as a direct result of my ADHD meds actually working. I am thrilled that I am seeing huge improvements, and so far, no noticeable side affects. I do not know if that will change, but I have discussed some other improvements with Leslie, and will be reporting back to my doctor once again that I (we) are seeing noticeable results.

    I have so often vented my frustration at the numbers on my bathroom scale, often because of the unstable flooring in my apartment which so often gives inaccurate readings, often varying as much as a couple of pounds from one reading to the next just seconds later. This morning was no different. My three readings ranged between a 1.2 lbs. gain and a 3 lbs. loss. In the end, I opted to keep the measurement that seemed the most reasonable. I kept to the program religiously (again), so the 1.2 lbs. gain did not seem realistic. At the same time, it is unlikely that I dropped three pounds overnight. In the end, I kept the reading that has me down .6 lbs. from yesterday, which means I am four pounds down in a week. I am happy with that. I would be happier if the floors here were consistent though. While that is not even in the top-twenty ‘Reasons I am excited to be going to see Leslie this week.’ I know that when I step onto her scale, I will know exactly what I weigh on any given day.

    I have had a headache since last night. I know it is not because of dehydration; I am drinking enough water daily to float a canoe in. That does not make it any less real. I noticed it after smoking with a couple of guys last night, but let’s be honest… I have enough experience with cigars to know that they do not cause me headaches. I will stay aware of it and see if it continues longer than a day or two. It is not bad enough for me to want to take a pill for it, but If I am still feeling it tomorrow then I will reconsider.

    I did not sleep well last night. I probably fell asleep around 3am. I was not watching TV, I was just… not sleepy, no matter what I tried. I also woke up to pee (wow did I have to pee) three times between getting into bed and waking up this morning. I was relieved to see that at least I was able to sleep until 8:30am. When I have trouble getting to sleep, I am always worried that my eyes will pop open at 7:05am, despite not having anything pressing to do that day. If Princess Sophie really needed to go out, then she would tell me… but otherwise it was good to be able to sleep a little bit later than usual.

    Where has the morning gone? I am amazed to see it is after noon already. I helped someone by editing (read: ripped to shreds) their CV, but I cannot imagine that took me as long as that. I have written a bit, I have answered some emails, and I wasted a little time on Facebook. With that said, I realized this morning that I have not watched TV at all this week. That is really new for me. I knew that when I was teaching during the day last week that I would not have time for it, but this week I had plenty of free time, and did not do it. I thought about it for a few minutes yesterday, then decided to try to work out a few of my Linux issues. Whether or not it is because of the medications I do not know, but I do know that I have been a lot more productive this week than I usually am on weeks when I am not teaching.

    While I am not actually hungry, I should probably prepare my second meal replacement of the day. I am trying to keep a regular schedule which should help me to stay on track and waiting several hours until I am really hungry is probably a bad idea. I think there are a few drops of coffee left in the pot so I might make that last half-cup… we’ll see. I will do some studying today, but then I expect I am getting together with friends.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 352

    Once again, I did not veer from the program yesterday. Two meal replacements, one meal. Lots of water. I also drank more coffee than usual, but that has never really been a factor…. especially since I finished my last cup before 2:00pm.

    Once again, despite all of that, the bathroom scale reading this morning was up… by more than a pound.

    I am not happy with this damned plateau. If the rest of my life was going smoothly then maybe I would be less concerned, but it is not. I am having a hard time of it, and I wish at least when I stick to the program that I could see some damned progress.

    I am not sleeping well, which is mostly due to the emotional turmoil that is my life right now. I really wish things could be simpler, but that is not in the cards.

    I have a few errands to run today, and on my way home I will go to the supermarket to pick up some vegetables and challah for this evening’s Sabbath blessings. Unless there is a drastic shift in the way something is going, I do not expect that the peace and joy that I pray for will be come. I hope at least it will come for the others that I pray for.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 349

    How nice it would have been to step onto the bathroom scale this morning and, for the second day in a row, find myself in best-weight-yet territory. Knowing that I did not cheat at all on my program yesterday, and knowing that I drank a lot of water, and that I had a healthy bowel movement this morning, it was really what I would have expected. Not the case. In fact, I was a full two pounds heavier than I was yesterday morning. I have no idea what that is about, other than to try to remember that weight loss – even when we follow the program perfectly – will never be a straight downward line. Yes, I hate days like this… but they are a good reminder that if I stay on track today (and tomorrow, and a few more tomorrows after that) then I will lose the weight that I have been working to lose, and it will all be worth it.

    Yes, I stayed true yesterday. Perhaps it could be considered a cheat that I had my third meal replacement at 9:30pm, but I was hungry… and while it was later than I usually like, it was still well within what I am allowed to eat on my program. I also drank a litre of water at the same time, which had me peeing more throughout the night than I would like. I do not know if I got out of be two or three times, but it was more than usual.

    I have gotten through a lot of work this morning, which is why I find myself writing this journal entry at 11:00am. Once I press PUBLISH, I am going to go to the supermarket to do some shopping. While I have chicken for today, I am out of vegetables. Also, if I do not pick up more today, I will need to go to the store tomorrow anyways, because I will be out of chicken. I might as well make a single trip. My goal is to stay on track and not buy anything that I do not need, or that might tempt me to cheat. I need vegetables, I need chicken. It is Tuesday, so I will not need bread until Friday. If I decide that I want hamburgers this week, I will have to eat them without the buns. Oh, speaking of which, I have to pick up mustard. There will be no cookies, no chips, no popcorn. I don’t care what the post-holiday sales are like, I am going to stay on track.

    I am teaching this evening, and I am excited to get back to it. I think I have everything I need ready to jump back into it – I know exactly which slide I finished with three weeks ago, and I know exactly what I will be covering today. Nonetheless, I might go through some demos this afternoon to make sure I can jump back into the groove.

    I was thinking about going to the gym this afternoon. My back and shoulder are very achy, and I know that I have to be sitting at my computer all evening to deliver my class. I am going to hold off until tomorrow afternoon, just to be safe. I have my doctor’s appointment in the morning, followed by an onboarding session with a training company at noon. After that, I will prepare my lunch, and head to the gym. I might be in pain tomorrow evening, but I do not have to teach tomorrow, so whether I just lie in a more comfortable position, or if I need to take pain meds (which I really hope not to need), I will be able to.

    Once again, my friend and Master told me that he might come over today. Yesterday he was supposed to come between 2:00-2:30, and at 2:45 he called to tell me that he was not coming but might come today. He is my Master and I owe him so much, but I am trying to figure out how to make him understand that when he says he is coming, I cannot make plans for the day beyond a 20–30-minute drive from the house. I have not seen him in a year, and that is often the frequency with which I see him… but that does not change the fact that in the last six weeks he has told either Eduardo or me that he would be coming over and has not.

    The plan for the day is to stay on track, and hopefully I will be able to stick to the meal plan. I just called my Master who told me he will not come over today, maybe tomorrow. I told him that he cannot come over tomorrow because I have plans. I am trying to make him understand that every time he tells me he might come over, I cannot plan anything else for that day… and I am done with that. I have too many things I need to do, too many people I would like to see, and I am not going to reserve a day again for this. It grinds me and it makes me sad because I do love him… but I cannot live my life around unreliability. Whether I go to the gym tomorrow afternoon or not, I will not let him block off part of my day that I could otherwise spend doing my own thing.

    Okay, I have put it off long enough. I will head to the supermarket now. Princess Sophie is on a play date next door, so I do not have to worry about her for a few hours. I assume she will be back in time to keep me company during class, but I will be able to eat my lunch in peace.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 331

    I have a very specific weight loss program that I try to follow. When I follow it religiously, I lose weight. When I do not follow it, I do not lose weight. It is not more complicated than that. As the title of this journal entry says, today is the three hundred and thirty-first day that I have been on my weight loss journey, but if I had to guesstimate how long I have been following this specific program, I would guess a little less than half of that time.

    Being dishonest about weight loss is like arguing with the petrol gauge in your car. You can fight and make excuses and explain why you had to accelerate and brake so often, and nothing will change the fact that you have burned through X number of litres of petrol. Likewise, I can claim that I have been good, I can swear that I ate well, but at the end of the day, the numbers on the scales will be what they are, despite all reasons and excuses. I could write in this journal (as I have daily for three hundred and thirty-one days) that I was good on the program on previous days, but the numbers on the scale will be honest no matter what I write herein. In other words, lying will help nobody.

    Yesterday I was not only within the parameters of my program, I was under them. I am usually allowed my morning meal replacement, my afternoon meal, then a meal replacement in the late afternoon, and one in the evening. I drink one pot of coffee per day which amounts to 3.5 mugs, each with a splash of milk and a little less than half a teaspoon of raw sugar. Because I was teaching last night, I also added two cups of tea (Japanese Royal Milk Tea, 60 kcal each) and two lozenges (of which I am unsure of the nutritional contents). However, I consciously decided to forego my last meal replacement, which should more than counterbalance the extra calories and carbohydrates from the tea and lozenges.

    Yesterday was the second or third consecutive day in which I was completely true to the program. I wrote in my journal entry yesterday that according to the bathroom scale, I was even with my best-weight-ever. I expected this morning to surpass that number, which a loss of even a couple of ounces would have accomplished. It was more than a little frustrating to step onto the scale to see very much the opposite of what I had expected and hoped for. I had gained nearly 2.5 lbs.

    Fuck you, diet.

    I do not like gaining weight, no matter the reason. When my weight gain is a consequence of cheating on my food program, I understand and grudgingly accept it. I did this, therefore that happened. For every action there are consequences, right? When I do not cheat, I expect to lose weight. Often times, I will not lose, but I will not gain. I don’t much care for that either, but I accept it. This, however, is total crap. It is bullshit. A 2.5-pound gain after three days without cheating? No, Ma’am! I do not accept that as normal or justified.

    Yes, I am pissed off this morning. It does not matter to me that I weighed myself two hours earlier than I normally do (as I am teaching an early class this morning). Might that make a difference? Maybe… but it should not. Also, it is not like I can have a do-over… I cannot just strip naked at 7:45am and re-weigh myself, expecting the numbers on the scale to be better. My first cup of coffee and my morning meal replacement would render any potential change meaningless. No, I have to wait until tomorrow. This stumble also means that I have lost two more days in my quest to achieve my goals before the end of the year, which is fast approaching and almost here.

    I am teaching all day today, which means that during the day I will be mostly at my desk. I have not yet decided if I will try to eat my meal at lunch time, or if I will make it a Shabbat dinner. I am leaning toward the latter, because I do not want to rush my lunch. With that said, if I eat in the evening, I should probably forego the weekly indulgence of the challah bread… or at least, if I do get it, then I will buy one and not two of them. I know that challah is, for me, a kryptonite, and if it is here then I will eat it. I will have a k’zayt of wine (the smallest measure that Talmud allows us to say the kiddush over), but that is it. Also, judging by my current level of fatigue, I might need to prepare and consume a second pot of coffee today. We will see…

    There are now fifteen days left in 2022, and I am back to 6.5 pounds from the 300-pound milestone, and 11.5 pounds from the 100-pounds lost milestone. The fewer days remaining in the year, the less hopeful I am that I can achieve either of these. Yesterday I was a lot more optimistic than I am this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. This morning just sucks.

    It is funny that I should be so down today. Yesterday I thought I was taking a step toward feeling better. In fact, I know that I did. I also know that the first step to fixing as defective heart is often for a surgeon to cut you open and spread your rib cage to cut into it. Yesterday was my first appointment with my therapist in five years. Therapy is meant to take a lot of time before the first breakthroughs come, so I expect that both she and I were surprised when we came to a major realization that might be causing so many of the issues I am having in our very first session. It was unexpected to say the least. The fact that it is also possible that these issues are perfectly normal given a possible diagnosis, and that they can be resolved with a simple medication is also a huge shock. I will be following up with my family physician next week, and if he is able to simply prescribe such a medication, we will be able to monitor for improvements in a relatively short time. If not, then I might need to be referred to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis, which will take more time (but which will likely provide even more insight). That does not mean that I will not be continuing with the therapy – I will be. Hopefully, between the medication and the therapy, we will be able to see improvements in a relatively short time. No promises, but here’s hoping.

    This evening I will light the Sabbath candles, and I will pray for peace, joy, and health for my wife, my children, and for myself. I will also continue to pray for my friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and who this week was informed that the cancer has spread and is quite aggressive. I will pray for her and for her family. I will pray for all of my friends and loved ones, and I will pray for peace. I think these last few weeks, more than anything, I have needed to pray for peace in the world but also in my heart and soul. I have been missing it, and I need to find it again.

    As an aside, as I type this paragraph, this journal should hit the 270,000 words mark. It is hard to believe that despite all of my ups and downs, throughout everything I have gone through this year, that I have, for the most part, stuck with the program. I remember a year ago telling Leslie that I would be starting my diet in the new year, and while it took a few extra weeks, I did… and I have stuck with it. No, I have not stuck with it with the religious fervor that I might have, but I have been trying. I have not given up, and three hundred and thirty-one days later, I have written my thoughts and feelings and stratagem in this journal. Four hundred and twelve pages of my thoughts. I have read books shorter than this. Yes, there is a lot of repetition, but I am not trying to write a Dickens novel, only a weight loss journal. I was accused recently of giving up and not finishing what I start. While that is true in a lot of things (and which might also be helped with medication if the diagnosis is correct), I have not given up on losing weight. I have a long way to go… but I am still on track.

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    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 319

    I was almost perfect on my program yesterday, and yet my weight is up nearly a pound from yesterday. It is so frustrating, but I also know that weight loss is about the trend, and not the individual dots on the chart. I will keep at it today. I am going to be out for a lot of the day, to Milton for the first match, then Cambridge for the afternoon… where I hope they will allow me to watch the second match on one of the several televisions in the cigar lounge. Other than that? I just have to stay on track and keep my eyes on the prize.

    Aside from my weight this morning, yesterday was a resounding success. I went to the walk-in clinic, where they prescribed the same meds that had my knee feeling better a couple of weeks ago. After three pills so far, the pain is gone! That does not mean that I will stop the course of treatment… I want to keep the pain away. I went to the lab to have my blood sucked by the vampire, and while I waited, I went out to the pharmacy in the lobby to fill my prescription, telling them I would collect it after my appointment. I was halfway home by the time I realized I had not done so and would have to double back. No matter, I continued into Burlington, where I filled my gas tank, filled my empty propane tank, and stopped in to Sleep Country to redeem my warranty claim on my mattress. The new one will be delivered next Monday.

    From there I doubled back to the pharmacy to collect my pills. As it turned out, the doubling back was not out of the way. While I was in Burlington, Sam called me to invite me to his cousin’s place to watch the match and to smoke cigars. It was truly a great afternoon; the cousin (Tony) and I got along very well, and I doubt this will be a one-off visit.

    Off to start my day all! There’s football to be watched.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 301

    I lost nearly one pound from yesterday, and while that is certainly progress, it is very slow progress. The only cheat I had yesterday was some homemade chicken soup. I know a lot of people will agree with me when I say that it is unfair that medicine (Jewish Penicillin) can hinder weight loss. At least my weight dropped back below the 310 lbs. mark.

    My knee is still in a lot of pain. As I lay awake last night, I thought of the exercises I did at the gym last Thursday and Friday that might have caused it, and I figured it out. The pain is not the fault of my trainer, it is the fault of her client who pushes himself harder than might be smart sometimes. I have to remember the difference between ‘in pain’ and ‘injured’. I also have to remember that I am not a 22-year-old kid trying to be the best in the world anymore. Before I realized that it is almost certainly muscle pain from the workout, I took a Tylenol with Codeine last night. I do not know if that helped me get to sleep, but I did sleep through the night, only getting up once to pee… and while I did not fall right back to sleep, it was not more than fifteen minutes.

    It snowed yesterday during the day, but by the time I took Princess Sophie on her walk yesterday evening it had all melted. It snowed overnight, and that snow is fresh on the ground… and covering the trees and the cars. As such, Her Royal Floofness took about fifteen steps outside, looked at me, and said ‘Nope. Let’s go inside and wait for spring!’ Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad… but she was truly having none of it. She peed a bit, but whereas most days we go on a 2000-step walk, today we did not get out of the parking lot of the building. I am hoping that she does not get impatient during the day and beg to go out – I am teaching all day, and during lunch my ex-wife and I have a meeting with a school psychologist about our son the younger. If one of the neighbours knocks and asks to take her out then absolutely, but other than that, my girl is going to have to wait until class is over to go back outside. Hopefully by then the snow will have melted.

    Today is Wednesday, which means that we are two sleeps and a wake from having my beautiful wife back in my arms. Yes, I truly miss her that much. Despite knowing that I will not have attained the weight I was hoping for leading up to her visit, I know she loves me anyways… and did when I was nearly ninety pounds heavier. I will love her always!

    As expected, Her Floofness is now with Susan for the day. Hopefully she will get to go out once or twice. Hopefully it does not snow any more today, and she remembers that winter is a part of life in Canada. I know that she is looking forward to moving to our new home in Texas as much as I am, but for different reasons! It might snow one day or two in a year in Dallas… not quite like Canada’s winter.

    My plan for the day is to keep on track as well as I can. Because I have a meeting with the school psychologist at lunch today, I will be having my daily meal in the evening (early evening, as soon as I finish teaching). I will have a couple of meal replacements throughout the day, but there will be no other cheats today!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 300

    I was thinking this morning of those funny high school yearbook entries: Goal: Be a good lawyer. Probable: Need a good lawyer. Things like that. I thought of that because I remember just a few days ago saying that I was hoping that by today (Day 300 on the weight management program) I would be under 300 lbs. Instead, for the first time since October 21, I weighed in at over 310 lbs. That is just wrong! No, there is no way that with what I have eaten this week that I should be up seven pounds. While I know that I have cheated these last few days, I have not cheated anywhere near seven pounds worth of cheat. I am frustrated, and I am pissed off.

    Yesterday would not have been too bad, but I decided to get a bag of rice cracker chips at the store. Big mistake, but it was a moment of weakness. My second cheat? I heated up a can of Chunky Soup. My throat was killing me after a long day of lecturing (and several nights of sleeping badly) and I hoped it would soothe my throat. For the record, it tasted lousy.

    Looking at this slide, there is no chance that I will drop below the 300-pound milestone by the time Leslie flies in on Friday. Hopefully that means that I will be able to celebrate hitting that milestone with her while she is here. The way I am feeling now though, if I look at a piece of bread my weight will shoot up another four pounds. Maybe if that’s the way it is, I should just fucking indulge. I should go have those Buffalo wings. I should go for Chinese food, eat a steak, whatever. Maybe I am just not meant to be slim, and I do not have the willpower to eat nothing but three fucking leaves of lettuce per day, which on days like today is what it feels like I have to eat in order to stay slim. Fuck that.

    No, I am not giving up. I am not diving into a cheat day, although I really wish I could. I am going to try to stay on track, but I am angry and pissed off and frustrated and disillusioned. If I could think of any other adjectives of feeling bad, I would likely feel those too.

    To add to my bad day, my knee (the right one) has been in serious pain these last two days. I suspect it has to do with the workouts I did with Kezi last week. I don’t know how much help the pain killers I took last night were, but this morning I added an anti-inflammatory. I am also sitting at my desk with an ice pack on it, hoping that within a day or two I can walk properly again.

    On a day with very little positivity, I can at least share one bit of good news. I slept pretty well last night. I was asleep by about 10:00pm, and while I did wake up to pee, I got back to sleep reasonably quickly. The only thing bothering me was my knee, not my psyche, which has been the case these last few evenings. Hopefully this trend will continue for the next few nights and was not a one-off due to sheer exhaustion.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 288

    An entire pound gained? That is just preposterous. I must protest! Okay, there is no protest and no appeals process. My weight is back above 305lbs… but not quite back above the best-since-meeting-Leslie weight.

    I took on a very ambitious endeavour last night. I made chicken soup… from scratch. It probably does not sound so ambitious for people who spend a lot of time in the kitchen; for someone who cooks every day, but almost always the same simple items… yeah, that’s ambitious. I started in an Asian market, where I bought the chickens. I also picked up some vegetables from different sources. My buddy Lyle told me how much to buy – and considering he gave me the pot, boy did he over-estimate that – and I came home, put everything into pots (I had to pull out a couple of extra ones), and started the process.

    I do not know how good the soup will be. I have made chicken soup before, but never from scratch. Also, I followed much more Jewish recipes, which did not involve an Asian market. Anyhow, the three pots simmered overnight, and will cool all day. This evening, I will remove all of the solids from the pots, at which point I will likely be able to consolidate into one pot.

    My plans for today got complicated when Lyle asked if I was still willing to drive him and Dorothy to the airport today. I am happy to do so, but that eats my afternoon… literally. He wants me to come over for lunch at noon, then after lunch enjoy a cigar with him. Around 3:30pm we will drive to the airport (they live in Hamilton, but they are flying out of Toronto Pearson), hoping to avoid traffic on the way there… and on my way back. I am happy to do the favour for my friends and know that the lunch they are going to make will be very tasty.

    What else is going on today? Nothing that I can think of. It is a foggy morning, but the forecast says it will start to clear up around noon. Hopefully, this evening will be a good night to sit on the balcony with a cigar. We’ll see about today… but the next four days are going to be nice, so it should be a good weekend to relax.

    I am still frustrated that my weight went up yesterday. I am no longer less than five pounds from dropping below the 300-pound mark. I hope to be able to do that before my weigh-in at the doctor’s office on Monday, but even if I do not, it is a goal to do that by the time Leslie

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 280

    I was hoping that despite some minor cheating yesterday, I would have recovered at least some of the weight that I gained after my Covid-19 vaccine cheat day. No joy. My weight is actually up by .2lbs, which means that I am still under 310lbs… but any weight gain tomorrow will blow that. I have to be good today.

    Something else that I have to do today is go to the supermarket. I finished the last of my coffee this morning, which means that if I do not want to be in a really bad mood tomorrow, a trip to the store is in the cards. Additionally, I have had shirts, pants, and a sports jacket that I have been meaning to drop off at the dry cleaners since I got back from Texas, and the drycleaner is adjacent to the supermarket. Two birds, one stone.

    Princess Sophie went to Sue’s for a playdate today. I do not know how long she will be there, but I am happy that she is enjoying her play date with Charlie. I suspect that I will be able to enjoy my lunch unmolested… although in truth, she does not bother me and she eats all of my chicken cartilage… from her dish, not from the table.

    I am going to have a relaxing day, but today might be the day I finally join the gym. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!