Losing a part of me

Category: Psychology

  • Day 353

    I am well into the second month of this plateau, and I am frustrated. I suppose that had I not eaten two challah rolls yesterday evening (instead of a meal replacement bar), I would have greater moral authority to be indignant with myself and my (lack of) progress. Yesterday I had a meal replacement for breakfast, my usual lunch, and the challah rolls in the evening. There is no way if that is all that I ate in the day that my weight should be up again this morning… and yet it was. It is time to shake things up a bit. I have to spend some time thinking about what that will be, but I am leaning toward cutting the size of my daily meal in half and seeing what that does… both to my appetite but also to my progress. I said a few months ago that I would have to make this adjustment at some point. I just did not think it would be now. I am also thinking that I might spend a week doing the full program… which is five meal replacements per day, and nothing else. Sure, I will still drink my coffee… but if I can do the full program for a week and kick my body off this plateau, then maybe it is worth the sacrifice. I just checked, and there are six pieces of chicken in the fridge, and I know I cannot put them back into the freezer. If I do not cut my meal size down, that is three days worth of food, which means that (depending on something I will discuss later in this journal entry) I have food until either Monday or Tuesday. After that, I will put myself onto the full program for a few days and see what comes of it.

    In my last ‘great weight-loss journey’ which spanned 2019-2020, I remember hitting a frustrating plateau for the weeks leading up to my birthday. It was in the same place as well – right around the 300-pounds mark. Before today, it had been a long time since I referenced that file, and it is interesting to read back and see where I was at what point. I started the program in August 2019 weighing one pound less than when I started this attempt in January 2022. By Day 308 I reached the plateau of which I spoke (it took only a little poking around to find it), and I see how frustrated I was. I also see that, despite the plateau and frustrations, I was celebrating non-scale victories, including being able to wear my suits again. One of the things I discussed was the possible inaccuracy of my bathroom scale; I did not remember the details, but this all makes sense, now that I did some simple checking. In August 2019 I ordered a bathroom scale from Amazon. It moved with me from Hollywood to Glendale and then to Westlake Village, California. In the time around this plateau, I started to mistrust it, and decided to buy a new one – which I did on June 19 (a simple check of my Amazon account). While that new scale did not move to Canada with me, I did buy the same model when I got settled here. I wondered a few times these last few days if the scale might not be the issue… but then I realized another difference between then and now: I am seeing my doctor every two weeks, and I am being weighed on the scale in his office. No matter if my bathroom scale is accurate or not, or whether the unstable floor in my apartment is a contributing factor, it is the bi-monthly weigh-ins that really matter, and by which I should really be gauging my success.

    Wow, looking back on that journal – even a brief perusal – reminds me so much of the book Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I was doing so well… I made such amazing progress. I dropped from 394 lbs. in August 2019 to nearly 260 lbs. in September 2020. My last official journal entry in that file was on Day 566, which looks like it was March 4, 2021… about a month before that terrible night when I got the call telling me that my father passed away. It reads:

    I imploded yesterday. Okay, maybe not quite that bad… but I did not have a good diet day. Before my evening event, I went to the store and had them make me a large roast beef sandwich. I added a bag of chips and a sushi roll to my dinner. That is not a good way to do things. Today needs to be better.

    If you are a regular reader of this journal, then you know that I do not have a lot of entries that short. Even on my worst days, I usually write something about my mood, my plans, what I have eaten, how I failed, how I plan to do better. A few days before I wrote that (on March 1) I registered my official weigh-in at 308.4 lbs.… and the commentary was: ‘Up from best: 47.6 Total Weight loss: 65.6 lbs.‘ Just a month earlier, on February 2 I weighed 291.2 lbs. (As I was not being monitored by a doctor, I picked a day of the week that would be my ‘official’ weigh-in, and while I would still weigh myself daily, I would only write down that day in my journal). I am sure that if I had continued to write in the journal, I would have continued to make excuses for myself, and how I have to do better tomorrow. We’ll never know though… by December of that year I had regained every single pound that I had lost. In the book, Charlie Gordon is a mentally challenged man – what science used to refer to as an idiot. Doctors perform surgery on his brain, and he becomes a genius. The improvement is not permanent, and through the last part of the book we see the regression from genius to idiocy. Do you see the direct comparison?

    I am not Daniel Keyes, and my life is not science fiction; nor is my destiny pre-ordained by science. Yes, my body is not blessed with a metabolism that will allow me to revert to eating as I used to. I do not know how much better I will do with my weight loss, but unlike Charlie Gordon, I can fight to maintain my progress… and if I fall down one day then I can get up the next day and do better. That is what I have to do if I want all of the work that I have put into getting here to mean something. If I want to stay healthy, stay relatively attractive, wear stylish clothes, and not be a punchline or even the subject of pity, then I have to stay on track. Even during plateaus like this – weeks or even months of not making progress – I cannot give up. Do you know how many times I have wanted to eat unhealthy foods? I’ll give you a hint… it is always. I want to eat all of the crap that contributed to my obesity every single day. I have to resist so that I can be healthy… for myself, for my family.

    This week I am teaching during the day, as well as in the evenings Tuesday and Thursday. The upside of this is that I will have less opportunity to cheat; through Monday, I will have the food that I have in the house available to me, and nothing more. Tuesday through Friday, I will have meal replacements. The downside of this is that I will not have as much opportunity to go to the gym, but I will still make an effort to go a couple of times. I know that if I want to make it a habit then I have to try to fit it in, even when I am slammed with work.

    Don’t get me wrong… I am thrilled to be slammed with work. As a contractor, I am either slammed with work (and earning a living), or relaxed (and not earning a living). If I were independently wealthy, I might prefer the latter… but as I do not have that luxury, I like to live well. To do so requires money, and earning money requires working. I am fortunate in that I have skills that are in demand; I am even more fortunate in that I truly enjoy what I do. Teaching is a passion, and I thank G-d on a regular basis that I do not hate my work… as so many people seem to. There is a mentality these last decades that if you do not love your work, quit and find something you love. If the entire world followed that principle, there would be no garbage collection, our sewers would fall into disrepair, food and other supplies would never get delivered. Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, I could be in a much worse position than I am… and as the expression goes, you make hay when the sun is shining. Right now, there are teaching contracts coming in, and I will not complain about a single one of them!

    I mentioned earlier that I will have enough food until either Monday or Tuesday, depending on something that will happen today. I am taking my son (the younger) for lunch and depending on whether I eat at the restaurant or not, I will either come home and prepare my meal… or not. He wants to go to Lone Star Grill, which has some salad options… but they are not particularly healthy ones. I might just sit and watch him eat, and then come home.

    On that subject, I just got a text from my ex-wife that he is getting restless, so I had better head over there. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 351

    For the second time in four days, my bathroom scale registered me below the 303 lbs. mark – my previous best weight yet. Monday it took three or four tries, including moving the scale twice for that to happen. This morning it just happened. I stepped onto the scale, and it read 302 lbs. While I am satisfied with the downward movement either way, I am really happy to see that after a few days of sticking to my meal plan and going to the gym that I am finally through that barrier which I first hit November 11.

    Yes, I went to the gym again yesterday. I am trying to get into the habit of going at least four times per week. I know, it is the first week of the year and everyone is making that resolution. As I wrote over the last few days, this is not a New Years resolution, rather something I started a few weeks ago but am trying to make a habit. Not only do I want to get back into shape, I also want to prove to myself that gym memberships are not a waste of money. In 2019, my then-girlfriend and I joined a gym, and I went a few times… but not too often. They were closed for nearly a year due to COVID-19, but it took until September of 2021 for me to cancel the membership (although not for lack of trying… they did not make it easy). I like going to the gym; I enjoy that feeling of accomplishment. I enjoy the pain of lifting weights, although I am not going to compete with either myself or with others. I enjoy that I am getting to the gym and doing my stretches for twenty minutes before hitting the machines… although I am not doing the complicated stretches that Kezi tried to get me to do, rather things I would do for Taekwondo. Following forty-five minutes on the weight machines, I enjoy getting on the treadmill for twenty minutes. And yes, I enjoy the aches that I feel the next day (and the day after that) which tell me that I am working my overweight and out-of-shape body back into what I want it to be. Will I go today? That depends on a number of factors, not the least of which is that I am meeting a friend north of Toronto for coffee and possibly lunch, and I do not know what time I will be back on this side of the megalopolis. I am, however, taking clean socks and underwear (and a t-shirt) down to the car with me… my gym still has a clean pair of shorts in it, as well as my runners, shower-shoes, and sundries bag.

    Before I hit the highway, I will drop my new prescription off at the pharmacy. I know the last time I did I was completely disappointed by the lack of professionalism shown there, but I also know that it was the week before Christmas, and I assume the entirety of Burlington was trying to fill their prescriptions before leaving on vacation. I also have to fill my gas tank; there is an industry analyst who predicts with incredible accuracy the price trends at the pumps, and earlier this week I heard him on the radio predicting that the prices would drop Thursday. My tank is not on empty yet, but I doubt I would get to Aurora and back without filling up. I am not sure if it is the ADHD medications (or possibly the increased dosage) that is giving me the foresight to plan these things, but I know they have to get done one way or another.

    Whether I get to the gym or not, I have to be back at my computer at 5:30pm to start my class at 6:00pm. While based on the last few sessions I can surmise that I will sit alone in the virtual classroom until 5:55pm, I like to be ready thirty minutes early every time, for every session of every class. In some of my contracts it is actually written in as a requirement, but even for the ones that it is not, it is a good practice as an instructor to let students know that you are consistent, available, and professional. I also should test my system for the class that I will be delivering starting Monday, for a different training centre, using a completely different delivery mechanism. I will make sure my system has their proper software installed. Additionally, I will change from my casual shirt that I will wear during the day into a button-down shirt, and possibly a tie, for this evening’s class. I like to look professional… and now that I have lost as much weight as I have, I fit into my nicer button-down shirts so I can look a little better. This is not about conceit, rather about projecting an air of professionalism.

    It occurs to me that today is Thursday, and I am supposed to have my check-in with my diet buddy. It is scheduled for 5:30, but I will ask her if we can push it up to 5:00pm, which means we will finish in time for me to join my class. I know she was having a hard time last week, and I want to be there for her as I promised I would be. It is also nice to be able to kvell that after two months, I am back in best-weight-yet territory!

    I am going through some things right now that I am not discussing in my journal. Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster these last six weeks. The fact that I am still writing, still trying to maintain my weight loss progress, and actually below my previous best weight… these are all testimony that I can be strong in the face of hard times. Yesterday, that roller coaster hit another terrible bump, and I am not sure how long I will be able to endure. I am hoping that if I hold on, if I hold myself together, if I continue to show that I am stronger than even I thought I was, then maybe at some point in the unseen distance, the tracks will smooth out, and the ride will return to being enjoyable. I only wish… well, I suppose if I was to write about it then I would have to write about it. All I can say is that despite whatever crap may come my way, I need to succeed with my weight management and losing weight and getting back into shape. A week from today I will meet with my therapist; I hope that by then I am able to put into words what I am feeling… and where I sadly think this ride will end.

    It is time for me to hit the road. The GTA is a very large city, and it will take me an hour to get to Aurora. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 340

    It’s Christmas Day, and Princess Sophie and I will be relaxing at home for most of it. Yes, she woke me up in the middle of the night to go out again, because she absolutely hates the weather, so she holds her business until she realizes that she can’t anymore. I appreciate the consideration; I just wish she had it at 9:30pm and not 2:15am. I love my doggie, so despite my issues falling asleep the last little while, I got bundled up and took her out. Fortunately, she was not dawdling… she did her business, and then made a beeline for the front door of the building.

    Despite my best planning, I had to go out yesterday afternoon… to the store… in violation of every rule that I have ever set for myself. I was not careful, and I spilled the last of the milk, meaning I could either venture out and brave the cold, the wind, and the holiday hordes, or I could drink my coffee this morning black. I do so when I have to, but I really do prefer a little bit of cow-juice in my coffee, and my morning coffee is one of my constant pleasures in life, through good times and bad.

    While I was at the store, I decided to splurge. Yes, my diet has gone to crap through these last few days and weeks, but I am still essentially treading water. I decided to buy myself fancy buns and meatless hamburgers, and I made them for dinner… even though I had already eaten my daily meal. The bigger mistake that I made for my meal plan was having that in the evening, after having my chicken earlier in the day. I should not be eating carbs and starches at night; if I am going to eat them, I should be doing so earlier in the day. I bought two of the buns, but only ate one of them last night. I will correct this mistake today and will have (meatless) hamburgers for lunch. Of course, since they are vegetarian burgers, I might even add some cheese to them today. Happy Holidays!

    I was hoping that the winds would die down so that I could enjoy a cigar on the balcony today, but that is not in the cards. Depending on whether I listen to the CBC (who predicted a forecast high of -2°, or the weather app on my phone (which has it at -5°), the winds are not dying down today. They should abate in the middle of the night, and tomorrow should be better. HRF and I are driving to Strathroy tomorrow to visit with my godchildren tomorrow, so it is unlikely that I will be smoking – unless I decide to enjoy a cigar in the car. Tuesday, however, shows a forecast of partly cloudy with a high of -3°, which would make for a perfect day to spend a couple of hours on the balcony… as long as I bundle up and light up the heater. We will see.

    It is incredible what a difference a year makes. I remember spending last Christmas with my wife (then girlfriend) and it was wonderful… but I was at or near my absolute heaviest weight; despite my joy at spending the week with Leslie, I hated myself. I did not have to look into the mirror to feel it, I remember the difficulties I had tying my shoes, I remember hating that even my XXXL shirts did not fit properly, and I hated that I needed to buy a 4XL ski jacket, because the jacket that I had worn for fifteen years wasn’t just tight, I actually could not close it up. Walking Princess Sophie was a chore, and we would hardly walk to the corner before turning around and heading back. I remember the difficulty in just bending down to pick up after her, and how embarrassed I was that I had to struggle to do so. Today I am married to a woman who loves me. I am ninety pounds lighter than I was; in warm weather, I can walk ten miles, and at a very good pace. I am wearing Size 40-42 pants, and shirts that are either XXL and loose on me, or XL and fitting properly. I can bend down to tie my shoes, or I can do what was not so long ago unthinkable and cross my leg (without bending down to pull it over) to tie them. I still look in the mirror and see that I am extremely overweight… but despite plateaus, I am still trending down toward where I want to be. I may not truly love myself yet… but I see great potential, especially with the recent realizations of what many of my real problems are and beginning on the road to fixing them.

    Why do I plateau? The physiological answer is simple… I stop following my meal program religiously, and I cheat. The psychological answer is not so simple, nor is it as simple as saying ‘here’s something we can point to that is the reason for cheating.’ In 2017 I lost nearly a hundred pounds, and I did so in a twelve-week period. It was intense, it was regimented, it was absolutely unforgiving. When the program was over, it did not take very long for my weight to creep back up, until I was back to where I started… and worse. 2019-20 was not so different. I think those two times I was so unforgiving of myself that when my life got more difficult, I forgot the lessons I learned – just like after my military service, I let all the regimented strict behaviour go. I hope that this time around, taking longer but being more forgiving of myself will allow me to not revert back to old behaviours once the program is over. I have to remember that cheat meals might be an occasional indulgence, but not a daily one. I have to remember that portion size matters, and that if I go overboard on a given day, the following day cannot be a continuation of that… despite the fact that I will feel hungrier and tempted to indulge. I have to stay focused… forever. So yes, I have these plateaus, and I sometimes beat myself up over them. I have to find a way to make sure that they stay in check, even though they are going to happen.

    This current plateau (which has now lasted a month) has to end, not with my going back up, but by getting back on track. I know that tomorrow I will be indulging at Cam and Amanda’s house for Boxing Day, and I know that New Years Eve I will be indulging at Lyle and Dorothy’s… although that one will be less of an indulgence, knowing that while they are gourmet chefs, they have been trying to lose weight (even before Lyle’s stroke). Aside from that? I will be back in the gym this week, and I will be back on my program. Today I am making the correction to eat my hamburger (with the seeded ciabatta bun) at lunch and will have chicken as an early dinner. I will not be buying any more breads, with the exception of challah rolls for the Sabbath. I will not be buying any more popcorn or pop chips – While a serving portion may not be bad for my program, I do not yet have the willpower to limit myself to a serving portion. I have said it a few times this week… Focus.

    In addition to focus, which has been a theme these last few days, I have to include awareness. I have to be aware of everything that I eat, and everything that I buy at the store. As an example: a couple of days ago, I decided to buy a box of Corn Flakes so that I could make a different chicken recipe for myself. The fact that the box of cereal was here means that Mr. No-Willpower had the means and opportunity to have two bowls of it a couple of nights ago. Does that mean I cannot make my different chicken recipe because I cannot withstand even the slightest temptation? No… but rather than buying the cereal, I will look for breadcrumbs that have similar nutritional value, but no temptation to eat.

    I am over eleven months into this program, and I still do not feel that I have built the willpower to withstand temptation. That does not mean that I have not changed (or at least started to change) the unhealthy relationship I have with food. Not only am I more aware of my dietary requirements for my religious progression, I have also noticed that some foods are just less appetizing to me when I see them in advertisements. That is not to say that I did not steal one chicken wing from my son the other night when we were out for dinner… but the fact that I only stole the one chicken wing shows real progress. As for the salad that I ordered, which was delivered in an edible bowl: I took a very small taste of it, and then crushed it down and doused it with water so that I would not be tempted to eat it. The speaks to my awareness that is better than it was; I knew that eating the bowl was a bad idea, so I took action to eliminate its allure.

    Today is Day five of my medication journey, and I am seeing some real improvement. As I mentioned yesterday, I do not know if that is because I am looking for it, and so I am behaving the way I want to be… or if I am really seeing a difference from the medications. It might be a little of both, but in the meantime, this journal entry (which is now close to 1,700 words) was done with only minor interruptions… I got up to pour another cup of coffee, and while I did, I realized that the tower of wrapped presents that was perched on the side of my desk might fall if I did not move them, and so I did. Other than that, I have been writing from the time I sat down. Is that medicated focus, or is that my wanting to be focused? I don’t know… maybe it is a little of both.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 331

    I have a very specific weight loss program that I try to follow. When I follow it religiously, I lose weight. When I do not follow it, I do not lose weight. It is not more complicated than that. As the title of this journal entry says, today is the three hundred and thirty-first day that I have been on my weight loss journey, but if I had to guesstimate how long I have been following this specific program, I would guess a little less than half of that time.

    Being dishonest about weight loss is like arguing with the petrol gauge in your car. You can fight and make excuses and explain why you had to accelerate and brake so often, and nothing will change the fact that you have burned through X number of litres of petrol. Likewise, I can claim that I have been good, I can swear that I ate well, but at the end of the day, the numbers on the scales will be what they are, despite all reasons and excuses. I could write in this journal (as I have daily for three hundred and thirty-one days) that I was good on the program on previous days, but the numbers on the scale will be honest no matter what I write herein. In other words, lying will help nobody.

    Yesterday I was not only within the parameters of my program, I was under them. I am usually allowed my morning meal replacement, my afternoon meal, then a meal replacement in the late afternoon, and one in the evening. I drink one pot of coffee per day which amounts to 3.5 mugs, each with a splash of milk and a little less than half a teaspoon of raw sugar. Because I was teaching last night, I also added two cups of tea (Japanese Royal Milk Tea, 60 kcal each) and two lozenges (of which I am unsure of the nutritional contents). However, I consciously decided to forego my last meal replacement, which should more than counterbalance the extra calories and carbohydrates from the tea and lozenges.

    Yesterday was the second or third consecutive day in which I was completely true to the program. I wrote in my journal entry yesterday that according to the bathroom scale, I was even with my best-weight-ever. I expected this morning to surpass that number, which a loss of even a couple of ounces would have accomplished. It was more than a little frustrating to step onto the scale to see very much the opposite of what I had expected and hoped for. I had gained nearly 2.5 lbs.

    Fuck you, diet.

    I do not like gaining weight, no matter the reason. When my weight gain is a consequence of cheating on my food program, I understand and grudgingly accept it. I did this, therefore that happened. For every action there are consequences, right? When I do not cheat, I expect to lose weight. Often times, I will not lose, but I will not gain. I don’t much care for that either, but I accept it. This, however, is total crap. It is bullshit. A 2.5-pound gain after three days without cheating? No, Ma’am! I do not accept that as normal or justified.

    Yes, I am pissed off this morning. It does not matter to me that I weighed myself two hours earlier than I normally do (as I am teaching an early class this morning). Might that make a difference? Maybe… but it should not. Also, it is not like I can have a do-over… I cannot just strip naked at 7:45am and re-weigh myself, expecting the numbers on the scale to be better. My first cup of coffee and my morning meal replacement would render any potential change meaningless. No, I have to wait until tomorrow. This stumble also means that I have lost two more days in my quest to achieve my goals before the end of the year, which is fast approaching and almost here.

    I am teaching all day today, which means that during the day I will be mostly at my desk. I have not yet decided if I will try to eat my meal at lunch time, or if I will make it a Shabbat dinner. I am leaning toward the latter, because I do not want to rush my lunch. With that said, if I eat in the evening, I should probably forego the weekly indulgence of the challah bread… or at least, if I do get it, then I will buy one and not two of them. I know that challah is, for me, a kryptonite, and if it is here then I will eat it. I will have a k’zayt of wine (the smallest measure that Talmud allows us to say the kiddush over), but that is it. Also, judging by my current level of fatigue, I might need to prepare and consume a second pot of coffee today. We will see…

    There are now fifteen days left in 2022, and I am back to 6.5 pounds from the 300-pound milestone, and 11.5 pounds from the 100-pounds lost milestone. The fewer days remaining in the year, the less hopeful I am that I can achieve either of these. Yesterday I was a lot more optimistic than I am this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. This morning just sucks.

    It is funny that I should be so down today. Yesterday I thought I was taking a step toward feeling better. In fact, I know that I did. I also know that the first step to fixing as defective heart is often for a surgeon to cut you open and spread your rib cage to cut into it. Yesterday was my first appointment with my therapist in five years. Therapy is meant to take a lot of time before the first breakthroughs come, so I expect that both she and I were surprised when we came to a major realization that might be causing so many of the issues I am having in our very first session. It was unexpected to say the least. The fact that it is also possible that these issues are perfectly normal given a possible diagnosis, and that they can be resolved with a simple medication is also a huge shock. I will be following up with my family physician next week, and if he is able to simply prescribe such a medication, we will be able to monitor for improvements in a relatively short time. If not, then I might need to be referred to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis, which will take more time (but which will likely provide even more insight). That does not mean that I will not be continuing with the therapy – I will be. Hopefully, between the medication and the therapy, we will be able to see improvements in a relatively short time. No promises, but here’s hoping.

    This evening I will light the Sabbath candles, and I will pray for peace, joy, and health for my wife, my children, and for myself. I will also continue to pray for my friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and who this week was informed that the cancer has spread and is quite aggressive. I will pray for her and for her family. I will pray for all of my friends and loved ones, and I will pray for peace. I think these last few weeks, more than anything, I have needed to pray for peace in the world but also in my heart and soul. I have been missing it, and I need to find it again.

    As an aside, as I type this paragraph, this journal should hit the 270,000 words mark. It is hard to believe that despite all of my ups and downs, throughout everything I have gone through this year, that I have, for the most part, stuck with the program. I remember a year ago telling Leslie that I would be starting my diet in the new year, and while it took a few extra weeks, I did… and I have stuck with it. No, I have not stuck with it with the religious fervor that I might have, but I have been trying. I have not given up, and three hundred and thirty-one days later, I have written my thoughts and feelings and stratagem in this journal. Four hundred and twelve pages of my thoughts. I have read books shorter than this. Yes, there is a lot of repetition, but I am not trying to write a Dickens novel, only a weight loss journal. I was accused recently of giving up and not finishing what I start. While that is true in a lot of things (and which might also be helped with medication if the diagnosis is correct), I have not given up on losing weight. I have a long way to go… but I am still on track.

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    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 330

    After another mostly good day on the program yesterday, I was secretly hoping that the bathroom scale would have me back into best-weight-ever territory. I had to settle for a .6 lbs. drop to tie my previous best, which was back over a month ago (November 11). Hopefully I can register another cheat-free day today (I actually did cheat yesterday because I was running late leaving Eduardo’s place and heading to the gym). Yes, that means I worked out (with my personal trainer, as well as a couple of kilometres on the treadmill).

    I am still trying to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022. I said yesterday that when you shoot for the stars, if you fall short then you can still hit the moon. Leaving aside for the moment the myriad other celestial bodies between here and there, I have almost ignored that between where I am now and that one-hundred-pound mark there is another major milestone. Even if I do not achieve that one in 2022, I really want to get below the three hundred pounds mark; I am only three pounds shy of that right now, and I have sixteen days to achieve it. Absent other factors, I might be planning a steak dinner celebration for dropping below that mark. Not this time, folks… not with there being only five pounds between that milestone, and the one-hundred-pounds-lost milestone. I may be refocusing my immediate short-term goals on the 300-pounds, but I am not forgetting that losing one hundred pounds in the calendar year is still an achievable goal… and would be that much harder if I were to indulge. A few weeks ago, I had plenty of leeway to veer from the program and still achieve these two goals. Right now, with just over two weeks left in the calendar year, I have zero room for mistakes.

    With my new mattress in place, I should mention another non-scale victory that I have noticed over the last month or so, and not just today. Even when I was twenty pounds heavier, if I would sit on the end of my bed, it would pop the back of the bed up. With the design of the bedframe, the front wheels (which are a couple of feet behind the front) would act as a fulcrum, and my excessive weight would force the front of the bed down. That is not happening anymore, and I am happy for that. I can now sit on the front to put my socks and shoes on, which might in a small way prevent a recurrence of the damage that necessitated replacing the mattress in the first place. After all, it was not my lying in the middle of the bed that damaged the sides.

    The weather today is horrible. Freezing rain for the morning, then snow… lots of it. I would like to stay home and not even walk outside for a minute, but at the same time I feel my throat is bothering me a little, and knowing that I have to teach this evening, I really should stock up on lozenges. I might bite the bullet and run out to the pharmacy before it gets too bad. As it stands, Princess Sophie has now twice stood in the frame of the front door, looked at the weather, and refused to go outside. Fortunately, her bladder is as strong as her resolve, and has never had an accident yet (when she was not sick). Now the question of the day is simple: To go to the druggist, or to suffer through this evening with no lozenges. Stay tuned.

    Because I was running late yesterday (the traffic from Eduardo’s to the gym was lousy) I did not get to do as much pre-workout warming up/stretching as I would have liked. Fortunately, at my age it is clear that things that I once took for granted can now be considered exercise. These include the getting up from a seated position without using my hands, and the getting into and out of the car stretches. Yes, I am feeling my age these days. The workout yesterday was not painful, but some of the exercises reminded me that I am middle aged, overweight, and out of shape. I am working on all of that… or at least on two out of three. I am not sure what I can do to not be middle aged anymore.

    I have my weekly check-in with my diet buddy this afternoon. The only thing I can say that is better than last week is that my weight is down. My mood and situation have not improved much, and if anything, things are worse now than they were then. I know I should not be so affected by outside factors, but it is hard. I am trying to stay positive, hoping that the current situation is just temporary, and that things will get better. I hope that things will get better. I am praying that things will get better. Most importantly, I am trying to work on bettering myself so that things have a better chance of getting better.

    Okay, I should not put it off any longer, as the driving conditions are not getting any better between now and class time. I’ll venture out, praising my snow tyres the whole time.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 326

    I have to remain strong today. Yesterday went almost identically to Friday, with the exception of the challah – there was none. I was down below 305 lbs., but now it is time to get serious. We are ten days from New Years Eve; if I am going to achieve my 100-pound loss in the year 2022, I have to lose just about one pound per day between now and then. It will be tough.

    Today is the first snowy day of the season. It is not the first time we have seen snow, which did happen a few times in November. Rather, it was the first time we woke up to significant accumulation outside. The cars are covered, the streets and sidewalks and lawns are equally white. Princess Sophie, never a fan of precipitation, was not impressed. I could not coax her beyond the grassy area just outside the door, where she did her business quickly before turning around and heading right back inside. I know that when Charlie goes out later she will be more willing to venture further, but alone she was having none of it. All this to say that if I want to get any exercise today, I will be heading to the gym… which was part of my plan anyways.

    I am still down. I do not want to document here why I am down but suffice it to say that I really hope that the therapist I reached out to is able to fit me into her schedule. I know that I cannot fix me without outside help. I only hope that I can get that help without waiting too long, which might have consequences. I am thinking that is she does not get back to me by then, I will ask my doctor for another recommendation the next time I see him, which will be in ten days.

    I am going to spend a little time studying before heading to the gym. My original plan was to stay home so as to avoid external temptations, but I think the gym is a smart move. I will go after lunch, which means that I will not be tempted to stop along the way… and that I will have energy stored in my body from the meal. No, there will not be any carbohydrates in my lunch, but I am not going to do anything severe enough to need them. I will start slow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 322

    It was touching when a friend reached out yesterday to see if I was okay. She mentioned that she rarely visits my blog, but for some reason she did yesterday. She was worried about me. I have to be honest, I am worried about me too.

    This has been a very busy morning, starting at the doctor’s office (where I weighed in 2kg less than two weeks ago), and discussing a number of issues with him. One of the more aggravating issues we discussed was my blood work that I took over the weekend. Everything looks good… I am not diabetic, my cholesterol is fine, yada yada… but the vampires forgot to test my uric acid levels, which was exactly the reason I went to have my blood drawn in the first place. One day later this week I have to go back, for no good reason other than the lab screwed up. I confess I am not too keen to go. It is not because I like the pain caused by gout – trust me, I do not – but because I just don’t care about myself very much right now. I just don’t give a damn.

    Yes, I am writing from a place I seldom write from. I do not remember a time in recent memory where I was so down, and I have no recourse. I have nobody to turn to. I just do not think anyone really cares right now. I am hurt down to my soul, and I do not know how to get out of it. None of my usual avenues are currently open to me, so I guess I just have to keep struggling. I hate this… and I hate myself right now.

    All of this, despite what I think was a very good demo teach for a company that wants to hire me for contract work. I seem to do well when I am on camera. Off camera? I just want to crawl into a hole. If not a hole, then maybe a booth at a restaurant where I could gorge myself on the foods that I have been denying myself this last year. After all, if nobody else seems to care, why the fuck should I?

    Despite this, I am forcing myself to go on. I am making my chicken and salad for lunch and will smoke cigars on the balcony this afternoon. I want to study for an exam, but I do not have it in my soul today. I am broken, and I cannot seem to figure out what glue I need to put myself back together.

    Princess Sophie is at her quarterly spa appointment and will come home looking gorgeous and coifed. After I bring her home, I might try to go to the gym. Maybe getting onto a treadmill will help. I cannot imagine it will, but I am going to try. In the meantime I literally feel like Marvin the Paranoid (and inappropriately named) Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Don’t talk to me about life. Maybe I can have a competition with the toaster to see which one of us can rust to death faster.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 321

    I have been having a very difficult time of it of late. I have glossed over a lot of it, not wanting to share the depths of my despair, but the last few days it has been harder to hide. I walked out of the house yesterday on my way to Eduardo’s, and as I walked out the front door, I thought to myself ‘why bother?’ It is getting harder and harder, and I am getting less and less results and frankly less support, so why do I bother? I don’t care about myself, whether I live or die, so why do I care if I lose weight? Why don’t I just splurge, go out to Montana’s and pick up a huge order of deep fried Buffalo wings? Why don’t I pick up a bag of chips – or three – and watch the World Cup the way I would have ten years ago? Chips, wings, beer or whisky (or at least sodas), and pizza? How great would that be? Okay, maybe that would be excessive… maybe I could just go out for wings though. Fuck it all and damn the torpedoes.

    I did not do any of that. I wanted to, believe me. I was depressed enough that I thought about it, but I did not do it. My compromise was to have a piece of bread with a slice of cheese while watching the games. For lunch, I had a bowl of Cheerios… with skim milk. While not on my program, it was certainly not the worst thing I could have done. Even when Eduardo asked if I wanted to go out for lunch between the matches, I said no thank you. Thinking back on the options I would have had to eat in a restaurant, and how low my defenses were, I think we can all agree this was a very smart move.

    I am not going to Eduardo’s this morning. Yes, I will go in the afternoon for the second match, but I have things to do this morning. I am also so down that I do not think that I could be strong for a second day in a row, so I plan to stay home until after lunch. I am less likely to splurge out there if I have already eaten a full meal that I prepared at home… a meal, I should add, that is fully in line with my program.

    My weight was indeed down this morning, but who cares? The way I am feeling, I sure don’t. I want to give up… not just on weight loss, but on everything. Despite so many opportunities presenting themselves now, I feel like a complete and total failure. I am not employed, but despite having several contracts, as well as opportunities for more contracts on my plate, I hate where I am at. I am reticent to take a job in Canada, knowing that I will be moving to the United States in less than a year. At the same time, until I have my visa for the USA, I am not allowed to take a job there. I am at the whim of those who offer me contracts; thankfully those have sustained me. My problem is that while I am motivated to fulfil those contracts, my motivation to grow beyond where I am has fallen of late. I am trying, but I find it so hard to pull myself up, and when I am not contracted, I am wasting my time. I have to either be learning, or writing, or even working out. How do I get from where I am to where I need to be? That is the Sixty-Four Dollar question.

    Will I be able to succeed with that? Will I be able to get back on track with my work, with my life? I don’t know if, and I don’t know how. This morning my ex-wife and I had a meeting with a school that we are considering sending our son to, and I reflected (as I so often have) on my part in his life, and if he might not be better off if I was not around. This question is not limited to him. Maybe the world would be a better place… but until I figure that out, I will make my chicken and salad for lunch, and then I will go to watch the afternoon football match… and I will put on the brave and happy face that most people think is the real me, and I will continue to fool almost everyone. I wish I could fool myself.

    This is likely the most negative entry I have written in eleven months of writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Most of the time I am upbeat and happy, at least on the outside. When I am not, I try to put that face on anyways. After all, weight loss journals are not supposed to be about wanting to give up and end it all… but here I am. I do not have the energy or the will to lie about it today. If I have one drink today then I will open and finish a bottle, so I will not do that. If I take one pill, then I would do the same thing. If I went to a restaurant, I would not have the ability to order a small plate of anything, and unlike the Chinese food that Leslie and I shared a couple of weeks ago, not only would I not be throwing anything out, there would not even be any leftovers. Knowing all of that, I have put my chicken into the air fryer to make my lunch. After posting this entry as a blog article, I will go prepare my salad. I picked up Charlie (the neighbour dog) to come over to play with Princess Sophie, in the hopes that their playing would cheer me up a little. Here’s hoping.

    Have a great day folks. I won’t, but hope you do anyways.

  • Day 320

    My emotions are getting worse. As I try to do better, things keep getting harder for me. This includes but is not limited to my weight loss. It is harder for me to put on a brave and happy face for my friends, and I think they are starting to worry. They cannot help me, I have to help myself, or rather, I have to get help from a professional who can guide me through the process of getting better. I need someone who will call me on crap and hold me accountable; I need someone who will make me accept hard realities and to face them. I hope I have the courage to accept these realities… and to fix as much as I can.

    I arrived at my friend’s house in Cambridge yesterday without the means to make a meal replacement. I indulged in the sort of junk foods that I know are going to make me gain weight immediately. Of course, that is exactly what happened. This morning I am heavier than I am. If I am to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022, I need to lose fifteen pounds in the next twenty-five days. Is that achievable? Yes. Is it as realistic today as it was three weeks ago? No.

    I hate getting it wrong. I am not talking about weight loss, or at least not exclusively about that. Every time I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, I wonder how it happened. There was a time in my life when I would do what I wanted to do, whether I knew it to be wrong or not. That is not the case now. I keep trying to do right, and I keep failing. Things that I think are right, okay, and acceptable are coming back to bite me… hard. I wonder though how come it is okay to be punished for trying to do right? I am willing to learn. I am trying to improve. I am starting to wonder if that is good enough… and if I can ever be good enough.

    In a few moments I will drive to my friend’s house to watch the World Cup, and I will try again to put on a happy face. I am not happy. I don’t think that matters to anyone anymore. Even the act of putting on a happy façade is held against me. Hey look! Autocorrect actually put a cedilla under the c.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 318

    My psychological and emotional pains continue to haunt me. I have to find a way to peacefully get past my hurdles. I said months ago that there would be a point where I need help, and I think I have reached that place. I have reached out to a therapist I used to work with, and hope that she can help me to continue to get better and to grow. I do not think these issues are what are stopping me from doing better on my weight loss program, although I am sure they are a contributing factor. I do know that five years ago, when I first lost all of my weight, she was able to help me.

    Yesterday did not go terrible, but I could have done better. For example, I could have eaten part of a challah roll… instead of two of them with peanut butter. I think that was my only transgression. I finally relented and let Eduardo give me a bowl of Thai chicken curry soup. While the nutritional values were not listed (which I thought very strange), the ingredients did not seem overly dangerous. There was a lot of chicken in it, which is not a bad thing.

    My plans for today are waiting confirmation from a friend of Eduardo’s. Either we three are going to spend the afternoon at Sam’s cousin’s house, or Eduardo and I will watch the afternoon match at his apartment. Before that, I plan to go to the walk-in clinic. My knee has gotten bad again, and I need to have it looked at. Assuming it is the same issue I had before (gout), the temporary solution will be another round of anti-inflammatory meds. With that said, I am hoping the lab is open today, so I can also get my blood work done. If it is not, then that will be my plan for Monday morning. While I will have to miss one of the football matches, my health is more important. I also suspect that I will not be watching tomorrow’s matches, as I am visiting with Ryan and his crew… and while they consider themselves sports fans, that really only means they watch American football.

    Unless things go bad at the walk-in clinic (which is to say, if I have a five hour wait) then I will also go to Sleep Country to arrange for my new mattress to be delivered. My warranty claim was finally approved last night (I received it at nearly 8:00pm), and while I have been sleeping comfortably on this defective mattress for over a year, I do not know how long it will take for them to deliver my new mattress… I want the new mattress to be here in time for Leslie’s next visit (25 days from today).

    Okay, I just spoke with Eduardo, and I am going to hit the road. First stop: Walk-in clinic. After that? That will depend on a lot of things, including timing and the next call I get from Eduardo.

    Have a great day folks!