Losing a part of me

Category: Psychology

  • Day 604

    Shana Tova uMevurechet! May you be inscribed in the Book of Life. Last night as I lit the candles with my wife (over video unfortunately) I said prayers for so many people as I do every Sabbath. I wonder then why I do not say prayers to give Leslie and me strength to continue to succeed with our weight loss journeys. I know that this week I really could use all the help I can get.

    I wrote yesterday that I had a terrible day the previous day. The stress and anxiety of the root cause of it was nearly overwhelming yesterday. I cannot remember any day in my professional life where I felt more anxious, and it took a terrible toll. At the end of my class, after I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I was still shaking. I spoke with Leslie and told her that I was going to do one of two things: I was going to eat, or I was going to drink. I knew that if I started to drink that it would have been very bad… I would not have stopped until I passed out. She agreed that knowing the day that I had I should probably eat.

    I went to the supermarket and bought chicken, broccoli, and (stupidly) a bag of mini crisps. I came home and I prepared my meal (freezing half of the chicken so that I was not tempted to eat it again tonight). I steamed the broccoli. I enjoyed my meal; while I did feel guilty about it afterwards, I also feel that it was a necessary step.

    My body must have agreed… once again, while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain any weight.

    My body and mind are exhausted from the week, even after what I think was a pretty decent night sleep. I am on the fence about going out for a long walk today, but it is probably what I should do. When my diet buddy asked me how I was going to make up for cheating on Thursday I told her that is what I would do. I did not tell her that I would be cheating on Friday as well.

    I do not know why but I walked away from this article for a few minutes… six hours ago. I did not go for a walk, but I also did not spend the entire day watching TV and smoking cigars on the balcony. I have been working on something at my desk. I have not eaten, although I realized that I put the remaining chicken into the Fridge and not the freezer, so I am going to cook it for dinner, so it does not go to waste. I have some broccoli left that I will steam to go with it. For some reason I have gotten to this point (5:45pm) only eating my omelette this morning, so the chicken will be taking the place of all three meal replacements. I can live with that without feeling guilty. I am also glad I realized this early enough so that dinner will be by 6:30pm, and not later.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 598

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning with trepidation. I knew that I had not cheated at all yesterday, and that I had gone for a very good walk. I knew all that yesterday morning as well so when the numbers on the scale were up, I was disheartened. After that measure I knew that if I did drop slightly then I would still be at or even above 250 lbs., and that I would need to lose at least .6 lb. to drop below that milestone. It did not help at all that I was not able to move my bowels this morning. I did yesterday after I wrote my article, but that doesn’t mean anything. I looked at the scale and stepped up as if I was taking that last step out of the helicopter. Just like that zipline drop, I waited there unable to move or do anything for several seconds. I then looked down to see where I was.

    249.4 lbs.

    I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought it would be a celebration, an exultation of some sort. There was nothing like that. In fact, I realized a minute later that I needed to repeat the process – not to check that I had not dreamed it, rather to take a picture of the numbers on the scale so that I could send them to my diet buddy who, at that moment, was I am sure lying comfortably in her bed three time zones away. I did not want to send it to my wife – I want to tell her personally so we can celebrate together. Julie has been a wonderful friend and she will be thrilled for me, but Leslie is the woman I want to share my triumph with. Maybe her absence is why I did not jump up and down or pump my fist in the air. I don’t know. Please do not misunderstand me; I am thrilled, elated, overjoyed… I am just toned down about it.

    Next milestone: down 150 lbs… and if I stay on track then that will be in the next ten days or less. I am less than five pounds from that one.

    I am picking up my son the younger at 11:30am and taking him for lunch. I have no doubt that we will be going back to Lone Star Texas Grill, where he will order the queso with chips, and a pound of breaded Buffalo wings with barbecue sauce. I will gird myself to resist the temptation of the free chips with salsa that the waiter will bring before he even takes our orders. I will order nothing but water or possibly coffee. I will sit and watch my thirteen-year-old boy devour his food that will look and smell so delicious and tempting. Now that I think of it, I might order a plate of celery and carrots. My boy always gives me his carrots, and a plate of carrot sticks would not hurt me. I don’t know… it will depend on how I feel when we sit down. If I feel that I am strong enough to make it through his meal, then I will simply eat the ones off his plate. If I am feeling weak, then I will ask for my own. I will not cheat.

    After I drop him off, I will come home and have my first shake of the day. It will be slightly later than usual, but not terribly so. I will see if I have the energy to go for a long walk, but I know that my body should get some recovery in from time to time. On the other hand, I am teaching this week (Monday and Wednesday from 9am to 9pm) so today is my last opportunity to exercise this year.

    Yes, Friday evening the Jewish People will welcome the New Year. Rosh Hashana is a time of reflection just as New Year’s Eve is on the Gregorian Calendar. This has been a wonderful year of change for me; I married my lovely wife (yes, we were married in a courthouse the previous year, but this year it was under the eyes of G-d). I lost a tremendous amount of weight this year; I actually lost more weight from January 20-December 31 2022 than I have this calendar year, or even from January 20-September 10 2022 than I have this year… but I still started and finished that year morbidly obese (Obese Class 3), whereas today I am 16 lbs. from dropping from Obese Class 1 to Overweight. I have written before about my thoughts about the BMI Scale, but absent more accurate yard sticks, I will take this one. What other changes have I made? I have been exercising (although not as regularly as I should, still pretty well). I have been more conscious of my appearance, and Leslie and I are that much closer to being able to live together. I have helped Leslie to learn more about our beautiful religion, and I have maintained my faith to a level that I am satisfied with… although I know that I can still do better, and I will endeavour to do so going forward.

    I was sitting and talking with a neighbour yesterday. He doggie is old but he’s a good boy and Princess Sophie wanted to spend some time on his patio with him, so his mom and I were talking. I told her how much weight I had lost, and she was absolutely shocked. I pulled out a picture of what I looked like on the day I started this journey, and she was flabbergasted. She started by saying that it had mainly been in my stomach. She then said ‘actually, I guess it was everywhere. You can see a real difference even in your face.’ This is a woman who only sees me fully clothed so she cannot see that my legs, my hips, my chest, my shoulders… every part of me is smaller, more toned, and less flabby. I still have a long way to go, but I am thrilled by the progress I have made so far.

    Here we are again. These last few days I have been writing about how many days I had weighed in lighter… well today that number is zero. I am at my best weight ever. My diet buddy said that there is nowhere to go but down, but when we talk next, I will remind her that thinking like that can lead to disaster. Down is where I want to keep going… but it would not take much for the trend to turn and for my weight to start going up. I cannot do that. Best Weight Ever is a great place to be… and I hope to keep moving that number downward over the next few weeks and months. I might take a pause for my week in California, but I am still not going to go overboard. I am going to do my best to come home on Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning step onto my doctor’s scale and weigh less than 110kg. This morning I weigh 113kg. Later that day I will be measured by the Hong Kong tailor, and I will be smaller than I have been since the Army. I will keep going because I know how easy it would be to lose focus and end up gaining the weight back again. I can never let that happen.

    Okay, it is time to get moving. I am going to sit outside with a very short cigar and my coffee, and in 25 minutes I will go to pick up my son.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 596

    As of this morning I am once again at my best weight ever. It is a tie – I did not break it yet, but I have officially recovered from the terrible slide that began right at the end of May. This morning the bathroom scale reported that I weigh exactly what I weighed the morning of May 27th… after which is all went downhill. On July 11 I weighed just under 25 lbs. heavier than I did… and than I do. What do I do now? I make sure to keep going. Like any good addict I will not say that I will never cheat; I will say that I am not going to cheat today.

    I did not exercise yesterday because of my class, after which I was so exhausted, I could hardly believe it. I also really felt like cheating. I spent an hour sitting at the kitchen table chewing gum and watching TV for an hour before I got hold of myself and called Leslie. We had a wonderful video date during which she could not help but notice how tired I was. I suppose we all have days like that, don’t we?

    My diet buddy and I had our check-in call last night. It is always good to talk with her and to remember that we have come so far. We help each other with a lot of the psychological issues that we face; last night we discussed how it is likely that we will spend the rest of our lives being offended by things people say… and traumatized by things people have said to us as far back as high school. I am really looking forward to not being overweight, but I will always have a fat man inside me who is ashamed of it… even now, knowing I am not usually the most overweight person in the room.

    I wore my dress pants around my hips yesterday and they fit fine. I am so happy about that, not only because it means that I do not need to spend the extra money on pants when I go to the clothiers next month, but also because it means that I am actually able to use my hips! I did not mention that the previous day I had worn my jogging belt above my hips, and it fit just fine… although the bottle that I brought was not very comfortable in it. I ordered two new ones which arrived yesterday, and I will take them out for a spin later today. Yet another non-scale victory that I can be proud of!

    I have given a lot of thought recently to eating disorders. I do not know when mine developed, although I suppose there are a lot of signs that could point me in the right direction. I am a food addict. Is it healthy? No. Is it something I can overcome? I have been working so hard these last 596 days to do so… and several years before that. What of people with other eating disorders? What about someone who gains weight because of a combination of psychological trauma and medication, who finally finds a program that might work for them, and is then afraid that if they veer from the program even a little that they will be a failure? I have spoken with so many people who have done this program over the past few years and I know people who have real psychological traumas that might make such an extreme program a bad idea. I did not fully understand when I first went through the program in 2017, why the team at the clinic consisted of not only doctors and nurses, but also psychologists and other mental health workers. Having spoken with so many people whose experiences have been so different from mine I understand now why… and why some people were not successful. Looking back, I wonder if it doesn’t make sense that the company that makes the meal replacements only sells them through medical facilities. I consider myself to be pretty psychologically sound, and I have had real difficulties with the program. How much more challenging might it be for someone whose demons are fresh and strong? I think it makes sense, looking at it after having spoken with some other people, to not let people do the program without close supervision from a team of professionals who know and understand the program. I am happy that my doctor agrees to see me every month, but does she really understand my program? My older doctor did, but I do not think I have ever explained to the new one what the program is. I see her when I get back from California. I should probably talk to her more about it.

    It is time to get moving. I am torn about what to do first but will chat with Leslie and ask her thoughts. I am supposed to see a friend this afternoon. The last time I saw him I cheated on the program. That will not happen today.

    The topic of conversation with every fur-parent we met on our morning walk this morning was how much more comfortable the weather is today, and how they are all glad that the heatwave is behind us. I reminded them all that we live in Canada and that winter is coming. With that said, I am going to try to fit an exercise outing in today. Hopefully my buddy won’t mind my not coming as early as he wanted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 580

    Just a few days ago I was counselling Leslie about how to handle something; I told her that one of the dangers of cheating is getting onto the scale the next morning and realizing that cheating did not impede your progress. Seeing that it becomes easy to justify those little cheats in your mind… and little cheats have a tendency to morph into large cheats. I was reminded of the conversation this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I know that I cheated yesterday, eating more peanuts than even my regular cheats might have allowed for. I was disgusted with myself all evening and was resigned to the fact that my weight would be up this morning. In fact it was down nearly a full pound. I am not going to let this become a habit of indulging in large cheats. I am going to take it as a reprieve only.

    I reached out to someone I have not spoken to in a few years this morning. During the conversation he told me that he is a regular reader of my weight loss blog and congratulated me on my hard work and success. I was shocked. I did not realize that anyone read it on a regular basis. It warmed my heart and brought a tear to my eye. Hopefully one day I can inspire others on the same path.

    Leslie is flying in this evening! I am so excited, but I have to get through the class I am sitting through during the day, and the class I am teaching this evening. Once that is done, I can head out to the airport. Yay! We are both so excited! This will be our least expensive visit to date only because we are both on our very strict diet programs and so we will not be eating out. That is not a concern of mine, it is just something I thought about.

    While the forecast this morning called for rain only until 9:00am it is still raining outside my window. That forecast has been amended predicting rain through 1:00pm or so. Of course I am not sure how accurate that is as meteorologists were put on this earth to make psychics look good. Still and all, if it is not windy, I might take my afternoon class on the balcony, nonetheless. The definite advantage is that the sun will not make it difficult to see the screen. We will see how I feel after the lunch break, which is now. On that subject, I am going to try to make it through to 12:30pm before preparing my meal replacement, which would then position me well to have my next one at 5:00pm and then at 9:15pm – one before my class, and the other after my class and before I drive to the airport to pick up my wife. The best laid plans of mice, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 577

    I had an epiphany last night. Wednesday my buddy came over. We talked about food… and I started falling off the program day after day. I went to his house yesterday and we once again talked about food. I fell off the program worse. I think the first thing I have to do is stop talking to people about food. I am going to try that for the next few days.

  • Day 573

    Despite a small cheat yesterday afternoon I was able to wake up this morning and cross a number off on my fridge. Again, it is borderline… but 258.0 is lower than yesterday’s 258.2, and I need the motivation this week. A small victory might just be the success I need to get through the week.

    I originally thought to follow up with mentioning my streak in the bathroom, but before I got to that paragraph, I finally felt that urge. It was 10:00am and I had my breakfast so I would not be able to re-weigh myself, but I am quite certain there would have been at least a minor adjustment. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am thrilled to be back on the program (modified though it is) and I am going to stick with it and get back down to my best weight ever… and then start moving that number downward. With that said, there was always something to be said for the regularity of my morning bowel movements that I am not currently experiencing. For the record: I still hate writing about bodily waste in any of its forms, but it is relevant to my weight loss journey and so be it.

    My son the elder gave me wonderful news yesterday. He graduated with honours from law school. It is difficult to express how proud I am of him. It is also hard that it comes as I have made the difficult decision to stop chasing after his affection. I love my son dearly, but I am tired of being mistreated and disrespected. I truly hope he comes back to me… but I am done playing his games.

    I went to the supermarket yesterday evening, knowing that I was low on eggs and milk. The only additional item I picked up was a handful of peanuts which I know I should not do, but I honestly think that by doing so I was encouraged to not look at any other possible cheats on the shelves. As I walked past that aisle, I thought briefly about Goldfish crackers and mini crisps, but knowing that I had the peanuts in my shopping basket I did not even walk into the aisle. I still see it as a transgression, but maybe the occasional strategic cheat is not such a bad idea sometimes.

    My friend who was meant to come over for a cigar on Monday should be coming today. It will be great to see him… it has been too long. While it is not why I invited him, I know that while we are smoking, I will not be tempted to eat/cheat. He is coming around 1:00pm so I will have my midday meal replacement directly before that, and my second shake before I start teaching this evening. As is usually the case, I will finish the day following my class when I will have my third and final meal replacement of the day.

    After yesterday’s cool and rain I am happy that the forecast for today is sunny and warm. I did sit take my computer outside to study yesterday so that I could enjoy my cigars while doing so. It was raining but there was no wind, so I was mostly not worried; I did have a bit of a concern when I saw the lightening flashes but did not feel that I was truly in danger. Besides, it was a very high quality cigar that I would have had to sacrifice!

    Damn, I realized I have to go back to the supermarket. I am out of raw sugar; a few weeks ago I decided to start putting a very small amount into my coffee again, and so far, I do not believe it has negatively affected my progress. If that changes then I can cut it out if needed but I do not anticipate that happening soon.

    My plan for the day is to stay on course and to stay mindful. How hard can that be, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 571

    Today will be better than yesterday.

    I wrote last night that I was having a very difficult time of it. I was down and depressed with no motivation to do anything other than binge-watch reruns of old television programs. It was weird though; I was not completely out of sorts, I was just… blah. I enjoyed my cigars, but I was just not enjoying life. I thought perhaps it was because I was angry with myself over my failures of the previous day.

    They say that therapists need therapy and that attorneys should never represent themselves. I spend so much time writing about positive attitudes and stratagem that it might make one think that I am some sort of fifties television father who never gets cross, or at least never too much and never for too long. I try to be as positive and upbeat as I can be, even in the face of sadness, disappointment, and failure. Most of the time it works. There are also days like yesterday when it really does not.

    There is a quote from one of my favourite TV shows: “Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it till you make it.” I sometimes put on a brave and happy face even when I am not feeling brave or happy. I do so in the hope that if I do it enough, the maskirovka will become reality. Last night during our chat Leslie wrote: “If only it was as easy as you giving me some patience and me giving you some of my self discipline…” The funny thing about that is that while I do my best to demonstrate the greatest patience at all times, it is not my normal state. My inner nature is one of instant gratification. That impatience has never served me well and I do my best to suppress it, but I do my best to always maintain that outer calmness… even when my interiors are bursting with ‘I want it now!’

    I think of all of this, and I think of how I fell completely off the wagon on Saturday, and how rather than letting myself go I forced myself to be better yesterday. I think of how it is when I am alone and down when food would really make me feel better… if only for a little while. I think of days like yesterday and how, despite being emotionally miserable, I stayed true to the program. It is because I was able to do this, because I was able to tell myself that my depression was rooted in the higher numbers on the bathroom scale that were caused by the cheating of the previous day that I was able to say to myself: ‘It does not matter that food will make me feel better now… I want to feel better tomorrow, which is exactly why I cannot eat now. Leslie reminded me that however the food might make me feel in the present, it is only a temporary high. In that way it is exactly like an addiction to narcotics, which is a comparison I have often made… although I am not sure I have ever framed it in the context of a food-high. It is nevertheless quite apt a comparison. Foods – and especially unhealthy foods – give us an emotional high that makes us feel better now… even while it is making us fat and unhealthy. I suppose I do not need a twelve-step program; I only need to chat with my wife and then think about what she said as I write in my journal. Wisdom achieved.

    While I did not do so on purpose, I woke up and got ready earlier today than I usually do. I needed a shower – I just felt dingy – and then I took the Floof for her walk. I had my omelette, and as I sit here typing the end of today’s journal entry it is not yet 9:30am. Having had too many days when, knowing I am not working, I might procrastinate and check Facebook and whatever else until I realize that it is time for my midday meal replacement, and then wonder where the day went. Not today. By 9:45am I will be outside on the balcony with my coffee and cigar with my computer in front of me, noise-cancelling earplugs in to block out the distractions, and I will be studying until it actually is time for my midday meal replacement. In the afternoon I am getting together with friends (either one or two, depending on who shows up), and at 5:00pm I will send them on their merry way so that I can enjoy my late-afternoon meal replacement before I begin my class. Following my class I hope my wife will be free to talk, but I understand that when her son (my stepson) is with her she is not always able to do so. I might enjoy another cigar on the patio and, if Leslie is not available, I might watch television for an hour, comfortable in the knowledge that it is a short distraction after a full and productive day. I will try to be asleep at a reasonable hour.

    Okay, so right there was my first distraction. I went to check my calendar to see if I had forgotten anything I need to do today and ended up also checking a few other things. I lost maybe fifteen minutes on it and will still be out and getting things done in the next twenty minutes or so. I would give my ADHD meds credit for my not getting so easily distracted, and for not going down the rabbit hole for quite so long… but then why did I do so several days over the last week? No, I think this morning I am just focused and determined to be productive.

    Before I close, I do want to write a bit about the timing of my meal replacements. I mentioned last week that I suspected one of the reasons I failed a couple of times was that I was pushing my meal replacements too far, and in so doing I was letting my hunger get past the point of being satisfied by a 225-calorie meal replacement. Yesterday I realized at a certain point that I was due (or overdue) for my midday meal replacement, but I wanted to finish my cigar, so I waited even longer. I decided then to be cognizant of that and fight any urges that I might feel. I did feel somewhat peckish in the afternoon, but not so bad that I needed to cheat. The excellent cigar I was smoking (and the glass of iced tea) might have helped. I then forced myself to have my second meal replacement at 5:30pm, even though it was only three hours since my previous one. That way I was well positioned to prepare my final meal replacement at 8:45pm… at the tail end of the worst of my glumness, and early enough that I would feel accomplished in not eating any later in the evening (which is never good on any weight loss program).

    The timing of meal replacements on a program as extreme as this is so important to plan. Begin too early in the day and you can find yourself near the end of the day with no more allotment of calories, but still hungry. Begin too late in the day and you might find yourself eating or drinking the last one way too late to promote good sleep and healthy weight loss. When I was on the extreme program – remember, I am having my morning omelette so it is a modified program – I remember each time I began doing the math to see how far apart I should space them, as well as what time I should have the first one. There are other factors at play here… if you are commuting or taking care of a child or in meetings then it might be necessary to plan around those. That is why each person’s program will look a little bit different… but the stratagem are equally important to all of us.

    After an extremely good one yesterday I was hoping that I would be able to successfully move my bowels again today, but despite adding fibre to at least one and often two shakes every day, it seems the dry spell was only briefly interrupted by one good storm, and my efforts today have again thus far been to no avail. I would have thought that following the cheat day I would have at least gotten a couple of days of crap out of it, but so far that is not to be. The weird things we think of when dieting and trying to change our bodies. In any event, while my efforts in the W.C. provided none, I did get good news from the bathroom scale: I dropped the weight I had gained from Saturday’s cheat and my weight is once again below 260 lbs.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 570

    Wow did I fail miserably last night. I also paid the price this morning on the bathroom scale. I do not know what it is that makes me think that I can just have one chip…

    It was not just a chip. I arrived at the get together as I had planned, having just finished my second meal replacement shake of the day. The popcorn and chips that were sitting out were hardly a temptation to me, and I knew I was going to be fine. I guess I let my guard down.

    ‘Hey Mitch, I’m preparing half of this steak for Larry… do you want the other half?’ Sure, why not? After all, it’s just protein, right? Well, if I could have the steak, I might as well have the fresh in-season corn on the cob, right? There was pareve margarine on the table, so I could put that on the corn. Oh, then there are blueberries with ice cream and cake with liqueurs for dessert, but if I only have the blueberries that will be fine. I rationalized that by foregoing the potato, and the really bad desserts then would a couple of potato chips really hurt? And a handful of popcorn? I’d be fine. Twenty chips over the next little while, five handfuls of popcorn… I was feeling horrible about what I had done to myself. I texted Leslie and told her, and she reminded me that I can pick myself up and get back on track.

    I made matters worse when I stopped for gas as I left, and realizing I was 45 minutes from home (I had neglected to bring a second meal replacement), I decided to buy a bag of chips.

    Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. As I said to Leslie, I just wish that it was not factors of seven and eight. I am back on track today and am going to redouble my efforts again. I paid the price for yesterday’s failures when I stepped onto the bathroom scale to discover I had gained back a pound. This cannot happen again.

    I hope that I am back on track today. I prepared the exact same omelette for myself today as I have every day for the last week (or two). At 12:30pm, 4:30pm, and 8:30pm I will prepare my meal replacements. I will consume nothing else… save for water, my coffee, and possibly a glass of the lovely iced tea that Leslie gave me… it is sugar free, and I can sweeten it with artificial sweetener if I like. We will see how I am feeling, and what the weather is like.

    It is a beautiful day and I plan to spend most of it on the balcony. There will be several cigars, and I will divide the day between reading, watching TV, and doing some studying. What I will not be doing is cheating on my modified program. I am going to do everything I can to make sure that yesterday was a blip on the screen, and not the end of one trend and beginning of another. That slippery slope is one I am all too familiar with, and I hate knowing that I live every day knowing that the edge of that precipice is right there… behind every ‘it’s just one chip’ and so on.

    I do have one positive to write now… which I did not have when I sat down to write this entry. This morning started as Day Five on the no bowel-movements trend. Partway through the writing I finally felt the urge, and hard as it was, I was able to ‘go’ successfully. It was not painful, just strenuous. I am not sure if there is any science to this, but I feel like there was just one very solid obstruction in the way, and over the next few days or even hours I will have to go a few more times. We will see. The funny part is that as I took Her Royal Floofness on her walk this morning she had two extremely large poops; I told her that I was jealous and wished I could do the same. I do not think she is a genie who grants me wishes… but three hours later that wish did come true.

    I mentioned that Leslie is on the program now, and she has been doing extremely well with it. She did tell me yesterday that she now has a much better appreciation of how hard I have tried, and apologized to me for any time she might have inadvertently made it harder for me. I told her that I was proud of her and appreciated her apology. I told her that it is impossible to understand all of the challenges of the program without having gone through it. She then told later that I did not have to go through the program with her. When I told her how terrible I felt for having cheated she told me that I did not have to do the program just to support her through it. I told her that I want to do the program for me and having her doing it at the same time made it easier for us to support each other.

    I did not think of this yesterday, but I remember over the course of my journey there have been a few times when she essentially told me that I seemed to obsess about it and wouldn’t shut up about it. I think she now understands better why I did so. I am so happy that she is talking about it with me openly and frankly. There are so many emotional obstacles in our way, and being able to talk makes it a little easier to get through. I love her and am really happy she is succeeding. Of course, as I have been reminded all too often, the one obstacle that can ruin everything is hiding everywhere so she has to get through one day at a time. I will hold her hand (figuratively while we are separated by distance, literally when we are together) through it all, and will try to help her to succeed.

    We also discussed that it will be easier for us to support each other when we are living together full-time. It is easier to make the right choices when you are not alone… and when your partner understands your hardships and weaknesses.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 554

    I was disappointed this morning to see that I actually gained another half pound yesterday. With that said, while I remember what I ate for dinner, I cannot recall what I had for lunch. I did not go out to eat, but when Leslie’s son is here, it is hard to make good choices because we have to take his finicky eating (perfectly normal for his age) into account. As an example, dinner was tacos. If I can keep with my exercising, then I suspect that once I am back in Canada I will be able to continue to lose weight. It is a simple matter of not having to take anyone else into account when preparing food.

    I remember the first time I went through the program in 2017. I was in a group at the clinic, and I was far and away the most successful on the program. I thought at the time that it was because I was just more disciplined than they were; now I realize that a big part of that was that I lived alone. When having to prepare food for others it is not so simple to stay disciplined, is it?

    This morning I was not only able but was more or less obligated to go out for my daily exercise. Leslie had two important meetings for which she was to be on camera the entire time (and speaking as well). I told her that for her first meeting I would go out for my walk; between the two meetings I would come in to shower and shave and be on the balcony with a cup of coffee and my cigar in time for her second meeting to start. That is exactly what happened, and that is exactly where I am now. If you have been reading my journal this past week, then you will know that there was one day when I tried to jog, and immediately realized that my ankle was having some issues, so I pulled up and walked instead. I decided to try again this morning, even if it was only for one or two kilometres. When I stepped out of the apartment it was barely 82° which is hot in Canada, but pretty cool in Dallas in July. Still, I was not sure if it would be sustainable. I pushed myself to jog for twenty minutes because one of the apps that I use discards anything less (for a particular challenge, not for my overall stats). Had I been thinking at the time, I would have continued jogging to round up to 3km, but was just considering the time, and so I jogged 2.72km this morning, making pretty decent time (considering it was my first jog in quite some time). I then reset my counters and started walking. Before I set out, I wanted to complete 10km, and so as I walked into the apartment complex about 700m short, I walked around the buildings until my watch read 7.3kms. I am quite satisfied with my exercising for the week, with 42km recorded since Monday. As long as I get out tomorrow morning, I will easily hit 50km for the week, with only one day off (Wednesday).

    Leslie asked me an important question a few nights ago. She knows that I had my weight down to 250 lbs. just two months ago before I fell off a bit, and by the middle of this month, I peaked just shy of 25 lbs. heavier than that. She loves me either way, but she wants me to be happy, and wanted to know what would happen if I realized that I could not get below 250 lbs.? I told her that I had certainly given a lot of thought to where I would eventually end up, and what I would do or how I would feel if what I have often stated my ultimate as was indeed unachievable. I told her that I know I can get below 250 lbs. for certain, but I would continue to listen to my body. Yes, I have taken several breaks from the program, and have stopped losing weight a number of times over the course of these last 18 months. On a few of those occasions (as with this one) I have even gained back a lot of the weight I had lost, before getting back on track. Without looking it up, I am guessing that this past relapse – during which I at one point had given back nearly 25 lbs. – was the worst, but it is by no means the only one. If I follow the patterns of the previous relapses (which were more realistically plateaus), then I will finally decide that it is time to push forward; I will redouble my efforts, and I will get back on track. I do not know if this is the first time I put words to it, but I do know that at my age it is possible that getting below 200 lbs. may not be realistic. What about 230 lbs.? What about 220? I am going to listen to my body, and at a certain point I am going to decide that I am happy with myself, and I am not going to continue depriving myself. When I get to that point, I am going to set a range, and I am going to force myself to stay in that range. For example, were I to decide that 220 lbs. is where I am comfortable, then I will stop dieting. I will not, however, stop being mindful, and I will not stop weighing myself on a daily basis. If I realize that after a few weeks of letting myself go – holidays, vacations, whatever the reason – I see that I am pushing 230 lbs., then I will go on a diet to get myself back to that ideal weight again. I will never let myself go again to the point where I have gained even 25 lbs., not to even speak of going back to being morbidly obese. That idea scares me to no end.

    Unfortunately I know that I am a food addict, and I have to pay extra care to not let that happen. I can never revert to the gluttonous ways that got me to my heaviest weight – and did it three times, no less. How does someone go from being a soldier to being a fat slob? The only way that could happen was if I had psychological issues, which I did… and not only my addiction. Indeed, many of those issues and traumas are likely what led to my addiction. I have come to learn how to manage those issues, and I think I am much healthier mentally now than I have been at any point these last thirty years. Still, I can never forget; I can never let myself go. My obesity exasperated my psychological issues, and that is a vicious course that I do not want to get back onto again.

    With this entry, my journal has surpassed 500,000 words. I am no longer at my lowest weight ever, but I am still 130 lbs. lighter than I was the day I wrote my first one. I am still a work in progress, and I doubt anyone will ever read this entire tome. Still, I am proud of what I have accomplished so far… and will continue to journal my thoughts until I am satisfied that I am where I need to be. Once I am there, I will wait another year before declaring victory. Before that, I will earn my Fourth Dan Black Belt, and with a little perseverance, next year I can run that marathon that I once told my first wife that I would run. Of course, I told her I wanted to run the Buenos Aires Marathon, and that might not happen… but there are marathons closer to home too… wherever home will be when I am ready.

    Because of my tight schedule, I skipped breakfast this morning, and so I am going to go prepare my lunch. Despite skipping breakfast, I will not go overboard. I am going to prepare a chicken breast with a side of rice. For dinner, I am going to tell Leslie to take Armin for whatever he likes so that I can, after my evening class, just have a salad. To honour the Sabbath I might even share a bottle of wine with my wife… there is a very lovely bottle of Veuve Cliquot which we both enjoy that we have been chilling. I think that for now I will do well with moderation… rather than deprivation.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 485

    On Friday, March 31 (Day 436) I was thrilled to drop below 255 lbs. because that had been my best weight in the year 2005. With a trip to Dallas, falling off my exercise due to an injured foot and whatever else was going on in my head, it would take me two more weeks to drop another 1.4 lbs. to my best weight ever. With the excitement and stress of planning the wedding and then the difficulties I had getting back on track, one month to the day after that wonderful achievement, I stepped onto the scale last Sunday and realized I had gained 13.8 lbs. in a month.

    Three things happened that day.

    The first was that I met with my diet buddy for coffee; for the first time in months, I was not upbeat and optimistic. I was not a beacon of hope, I was not an example of success. I was exuding sadness. My confidence was gone, At the end of the meeting I told her that I needed to get back on track, and I was going to start by going for a jog almost as soon as she left. I told her that on our next check-in I would have positive progress to share and I would have my positive attitude back.

    The second thing that happened is I sent a text to my wife in Texas. We had a bit of a fight that morning, which was probably caused a bit by my down attitude of late, and a bit by the inability to easily convey tone in a text message, thus leading to misunderstandings. A few weeks earlier, she asked me at what point would I want her to ‘crack down’ on my slide. I told her at that time that I was fine, and that as soon as the wedding was behind us, I would fall right back into my weight loss and exercise program. The text that I sent last Sunday read: “Babe, I don’t remember the exact words, but a few weeks ago you asked me when you should start giving me grief about my diet. We are there.’ Later in the afternoon (it was Mother’s Day, and so she was spending the day with my stepson) we talked and agreed that I would wean myself off the bad habits by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest, and she would hold me to it. Like an amazing supporter, she did not set the deadline for me; rather, she asked me to set it. That way, I could not turn around and make excuses like, ‘you set unreasonable expectations for me.’ No, that was all on me.

    The third thing that happened was I did indeed go for a jog. I did not know how much I would have in me, but I was going to do my best… and then I would walk the rest of the way. It did not matter how far or how fast I ran, I just needed to kickstart my exercise routine again.

    These three things from last Sunday (a mere six days ago) worked together to get me back on track… and my body started responding even before Thursday. By the morning I was resuming my full-fast program I had already dropped an incredible 6.4 lbs., which was honestly unexpected considering some of what I ate those days. The real shock would be spread between yesterday and today, which saw a two-day combined loss of a whopping 7.4 lbs., from just two days on my full-fast… and two days of jogging and walking, despite what my Body Battery said.

    Six straight days of weight drops (most of them very significant drops!) totaled an almost unimaginable 13.8 lbs. … and if you read back to the first paragraph of this journal entry, that is the exact amount I had gained during the month of sliding. Yes, this morning I stepped onto the scale and was greeted by the same number as my best weight ever. That means that the next ounce that I lose will be my new record.

    Speaking of jogging, Here are my stats from yesterday. It was not very impressive, but at least I got out there.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 4.03km (6.1km)
    • Duration: 28:26 (42:32)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m02s (6m58s)
    • Steps: 4,530 (6,720)
    • Calories burned: 450 (750)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 159 (158)

    Like I said… I did not break any records.

    There are days when I swear that my fitness watch knows me better than I know myself. Then there are days like today, when I cannot understand some of the readings. I woke up this morning, energized that I got six uninterrupted hours of sleep (and then two more hours after a quick visit to the bathroom). I was going to should for joy about the amazing sleep that I got! When I looked at my wrist I could not understand the sleep score of 49/100. Reading deeper, the portal says that ‘You slept long enough, but your body did not recharge very well. As a result, you may tire more easily today. You got a lot of intense exercise yesterday, and it impacted your sleep quality. Try to eat well, get plenty of rest and perform very strenuous activities sparingly.’ Really? Then how come I felt so good this morning? How come I still feel great three hours later? The other one is Body Battery. I really thought I recharged last night, and yet my BB this morning peaked at a mere 43/100. Garmin might know something that I do not, but I am still planning to go out for a jog this afternoon after the rain stop, which is predicted for around 1:00pm. Of course, it is always possible that I will crap out after 2km (which has happened before), but I am going to give it my best either way.

    Since I do not feel like going out in the rain, I will spend the next couple of hours looking at wedding pictures which Leslie and I just received. I am really excited that they are in and will be renaming files to match the content of each. So far, we have 165 pictures. I do not know if there will be more, but that is a good number to look at and rename… not to mention decide which ones to print and which ones to share with others! I decided to order an electronic picture frame so that I can rotate my favourites and have it on the wall. That should arrive tomorrow.

    My original plan for today was to smoke cigars with a couple of buddies, but one of them told me that he is not available this weekend, and the other has not yet responded. I will likely try to call him soon because he is not the type who is tied to his phone but will hear it if it rings. If he is not available then I will simply relax at home this evening. Whatever I end up doing, Two things are certain: I am going to go out to jog, whatever my BB may tell me. I am going to stay on my program, which means no cheats whatsoever. I joked with Leslie yesterday evening that when I got into my car I cheated because there was a single kernel of popcorn on the passenger seat (I ate popcorn at the mall after my trip to the Apple Store). I think we can all agree that a single kernel of popcorn is not really a cheat, but today I have to stay on the program. That means I will have to be mindful, and I will have to plan the timing of my meal replacements properly.

    This morning I prepared the first shake later than I usually would, owing to my failed attempt to get my bloodwork done before eating or drinking anything. Yes, the lab is usually open on Saturday, but they are closed today for the Victoria Day long weekend. That means that I will have to go one morning this week before class. I cannot put it off to next Saturday because my next appointment with my doctor is the following Monday morning, and the results will absolutely not be ready in time. All this to say that I had my first shake this morning was at 9:00am, so I can plan for my next one at 12:30pm (before my jog), then at 5:00pm (after my jog), and the last one before 9:00pm. This plan allows for an even distribution of them.

    I should mention that I am sitting here at my desk at 11:15am, and I am feeling a bit hungry. I am not going to give in to my urges, knowing that if I wait until 12:30 then I will have my meal replacement and I will stay on plan. Before that, I am going to bide my time by going out to hunt for a new water bottle and shoulder strap. I still cannot believe that I left mine on the airplane… or at one of the airports… or in the Uber. Grrr. It does not happen to me often, but once in a while I am careless and I forget something behind, especially when I am not focused.

    My plan for today is to do everything in my power to hit a new record low weight tomorrow morning. I know that the scale giveth, and the scale taketh away. Even if it does not happen tomorrow, if I stay on track and do not cheat then there is no reason that I will not be there in the next couple of days. I love that feeling… and I want to start feeling it every day or two for the next few weeks!

    Have a great day folks!