Losing a part of me

Category: Psychology

  • Day 228

    I was not surprised that my weight was up a pound this morning. Eduardo and I were meant to eat lunch at a bistro that serves lovely salads, but they were closed for the long weekend, and we ended up at a Thai restaurant that we have always enjoyed. I enjoyed the lunch special of red curry beef, which came with a bowl of soup and a vegetarian spring roll. It also came with a large portion of rice, which I should have eaten less of.

    After lunch, we went to a new family-owned café across the street, where we had a cup of coffee, and I had a muffin. As good as it was, and I will tell you that this chocolate muffin was truly fabulous, it was a cheat that I should have done without.

    I did prepare a chicken and salad meal for myself when I got home, which was another mistake. Following the lunch out, I should have finished out the day with meal replacements. At least I did not do both – I had a cup of Japanese milk tea with my cigar (which I enjoyed with my son the elder), but nothing else. As I prepared for bed, I thought about having a meal replacement shake, but decided that I did not need it, and in fact I did not feel hungry until the morning.

    There is a huge psychological benefit to not being on-the-cusp. A week ago, my weight had popped below the 320 lbs mark the previous day, so when it jumped a couple of pounds the next day, I was right back up above that boundary. The ten-pound interval marks are milestones for me and knowing how hard it was to break through that mark was great… only to surrender it the next morning. Wednesday morning, I dropped below it, and have stayed below it every day since. Yes, this morning I gained a pound back… but I went from 317lbs to 318lbs, and not from 319.6lbs to 320.6lbs. If anyone asks, I am still below that mark. I did not feel like an utter failure, if only because my weight did not jump above a mark that probably only exists in my head.

    Speaking of things that drop: The high temperature in Burlington yesterday was 31° Celsius (88° Fahrenheit). Today’s predicted high is 23°C (73°F), a significant drop… meaning that when I got dressed to take Her Floofness out for her walk this morning, I knew that long pants were a good idea. I almost dug a pair of Dockers out when I realized… Yes! I pulled out a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans. Not only do they fit, they might even be a bit loose. I do know that the belt that I have been wearing – the one that I tried to replace with a smaller size only a week ago, only to find out that it did not fit yet – is on the last hole in these jeans. I will probably have to get a couple more holes punched into it this week. Woohoo! I have to take a picture of myself to send to my wife before I go out today!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 214

    For someone who’s usual routine is as utterly predictable as the movements of a clock, it is sometimes difficult to write every day about what I do and still keep it fresh. At least, I hope it is always fresh!? This morning I did not follow that routine. I got out of bed at 9:00am, which is a full two hours later than I usually would. This, after I woke up at 6:32am to pee, and after my ex-wife texted me at 7:28am to confirm what time I would be picking our son up for breakfast. Yes, I fell back asleep after 6:30am… twice!

    My time in the washroom was shorter than would normally have been, knowing that I had a pup who had waited patiently for me to wake up before asking to go out. As I was getting dressed, there was a knock on the door; my neighbour (Charlie’s mom) asked if Princess Sophie could come play, as her dog (and I believe her daughter’s dog Jasper as well) were barking and begging for Her Royal Floofness to come over. Yes, today is the first day in I don’t know how long that I am in town and did not take my dog for a walk. Routine shattered!

    The bathroom scale, as predicted, crept above the milestone I reached yesterday. This was entirely predictable, but it is something that I was prepared for. Leslie asked me a very important question yesterday about how I would react if the bathroom scale this morning showed me back above the 320-pounds milestone that I was so happy I hit yesterday. It was a question about psychology, about my attitude, and about my expectations. I told her that in all honesty, I expected that I would likely be back above that mark this morning – partly because of my cheat lunch yesterday, but also because I know that sharp drops are not only not easy to explain, but they also ‘give back a bit’ in the following days. I am glad she asked me the question. It gave me pause to think about it, and how I could or would react. It gave me the opportunity to shape my reaction and to not just get down on myself for it.

    Leslie shared another interesting idea with me yesterday about scheduling cheat days to keep me on track. They would have to be within reason (a large order of deep-friend and battered Buffalo wings would not be considered within reason), and they could not be too frequently, but that way if a friend invited me over for a meal that was outside my plan (as happened yesterday) I could either schedule my visits with friends around my allowed cheat days, or I could slide the cheat day… say, if it was supposed to be Sunday, but I was invited to my friend’s on Saturday, I could move it around. It is definitely something I am going to think about. I have to decide what is a reasonable interval for it… and what is a reasonable cheat, versus what is on a par with the large order of wings.

    I am taking my son the younger for breakfast this morning, which means that while I made coffee, I did not have a meal replacement shake. I do not want to sit there and watch him eat while I have nothing, and I do not want to have a breakfast shake and a breakfast. I will order smartly (as I have done on our last few breakfasts together), and yes, I will probably end up finishing his eggs for him. I just have to be careful about carbs. There will be a piece of toast with my breakfast, but I cannot dip into his.

    My feet are in quite some pain this morning, so I might take the day off from walking… I’m not sure, I might reevaluate that position later today. In the meantime, I am going to have a lovely time with my son, and then the rest of the day is mine.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 207

    I did not walk yesterday. I went to Lyle’s in the afternoon (after taking some clothes to a tailor to be altered), stopping at Bulk Barn for a handful of peanuts. To offset those, I did not have my final meal replacement shake in the evening, so the calories will more or less balance properly. It is not a habit I will be falling back into, but an occasional necessity when the timing of my day works badly. Normally I would be eating my meal around 12:30pm, so when I am out until 3:00pm (and need another half hour to cook) I need something to tide myself over, lest my hunger grow too great and tempt me to cheat worse.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were once again good ones this morning, down nearly half a pound. I am almost back to hoping that I might way as little as 315lbs when I fly to Dallas in ten days. Something else that happens on that day is my weigh-in at the doctor’s office, and I am excited for that too. As of this morning, I am 5.5kg down from my last weigh-in, which will be my best showing between appointments… even averaged out (knowing there will have been five weeks between weigh-ins) I will be happy with that drop… and that is not accounting for the fact that I still have ten more days to try to drop even more weight.

    I am not going to lie… it feels good when the nurse looks at me in awe of my success, but it feels even better when the doctor (who I have known more than fifteen years) looks at my chart and says ‘Is this right? According to the nurse, you lost this much weight since your last visit.’ After my wife, it is their response that I am always eager for. Yes, I should not be looking for external validation. According to psychologists you need to be happy with yourself, and you should not be trying to impress anyone but you. Thanks Doctor Whoever, the reality is that external validation is important for all of us, but maybe that much more so for those of us who had parents who never gave it to them. Good enough was never good enough, it was only perfect that was rewarded. While it did not happen often, if I would bring home an exam with a 95% grade, I would be asked ‘what happened to the other 5%?’ Thanks Mother… and frankly, thanks Dad too. Forty years later I am looking for validation from my family physician.

    These epiphanies are among the reasons I write this journal. I likely would never have put into words – if I even thought about it at all – why I get so much satisfaction from my doctor’s feedback if I was not writing. I do not know how many people read everything that I write (I know of only one person who does, even though the stats on my blog tell me there are more), but these insights are not only for you, they are for me. Being able to understand the root cause of an issue is a very good way to start learning to deal with that issue.

    Let’s be honest… we all seek external validation for something. ‘Do I look fat in this dress’ is never asking for negativity, rather the asker is seeking a compliment, knowing the response better be positive. As a teacher, I love giving my students validation… and plenty of opportunity to get it. I ask review questions about what we are learning to make sure the students understand what I just taught, but it also gives them an opportunity for me to give them positive reinforcement. Things that I never got as a child. When I would do something right, more often than not the feedback would be akin to, ‘Why can’t you do it like that every time?’ Thanks Mother… and again, thanks Dad.

    I am not losing weight for anyone but myself. There are simply no benefits to being morbidly obese that I am aware of, and myriad benefits to being slim and in shape. Yes, I want to lose weight for my wife, not only for our longevity and so that I do not fall ill with any of countless obesity-related illnesses that would require her to care for me (which she would do I know, but I would rather not have to burden her thusly), but also for our immediate happiness, including our intimate life (which improves with every pound I lose). If Leslie and I were not together, would I still be on this journey? I think so. I hope so. Like most people, I like to look good, and it is simply easier to do that when you are slimmer than fatter. I feel better in the clothes I wear, and I feel better out of them. So yes, I want to lose weight for my wife… but I want to lose weight for me as well.

    With all of that said, who does not like getting compliments? As I have written before, not all compliments are welcome… but the sincere ones from people who care about you feel good. I was walking with Princess Sophie a few days ago and a neighbour who moved away but was in the neighbourhood saw me and was shocked by my progress. That feels good.

    I am changing my schedule for today. Usually, I would walk later in the afternoon, but because I did not walk yesterday, and because the weather is conducive to it – at present, it is 66° and cloudy. The high temperature is only forecast at 74°F, and the sun will be peaking from behind clouds from 1pm onwards. The weather will be decent all day, but if I go now, then I will have the whole afternoon to do what I want to do. Maybe I will go to a movie after lunch. Who knows?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 197

    It could not last forever. After a seven-day streak of my weight dropping (by nearly six pounds), this morning it was up… and rather significantly, if not disastrously. Yesterday morning the numbers were flirting with crossing a major milestone, which this morning is a full two-pounds away. I know I will get there in the next few days, but my hopes of crossing below 325-pounds this morning were dashed, and I am now a full two pounds from that goal. Tomorrow is another day, right?

    There is a tendency that I remember from my first ever true attempt at weight loss, maybe eighteen years ago. It was not uncommon for me to cheat on a particular day, see no ill-effects the following day, and then see weight gain on the second day. Likewise, if I had a really good day, I might not see weight loss the next day, but the day after I would drop.

    All this to say, I am wondering if the numbers on the scale this morning might be reflecting the bag of popcorn I ate on Tuesday. It probably is not, but it will be interesting to watch for going forward. I know that I has very good yesterday, and my only cheat was a Japanese biscuit after lunch. That was followed by a seven-kilometre walk that saw my fastest cadence (steps per minute) recorded yet.

    I am thrilled that Princess Sophie had, for the first time since Saturday, a solid bowel movement this morning… after sleeping through the night for the first time in that time. Her Mommy and I have been very worried about her, and I was planning to take her to the vet on Saturday if she was not better by then. I am still going to keep a close eye on her for the next few days, but I am hoping she is better. I will say that she had a helluva romp this morning, first with her friend Charlie, and a few minutes later with Lewis and Louis. While she has not lost her playfulness in these last few days, I still see it as a good sign.

    I had another wonderful video date with my wife last night. She is such a wonderful woman, and I am really not liking this long-distance thing. When I am down there in a few weeks, we are going to have a serious discussion about how to remedy that as quickly as possible. Because of the immigration issue, it will not be overnight… but however quickly it can be, we both really want to be together. I love that I can see her every night, but I hate that I cannot hold her in my arms. It is time to figure out the ultimate solution so that we can be together forever.

    My plans for the day are to stay the course. With the exception of the popcorn the other day, I have been good, and the results have been obvious. I am currently three kilograms slimmer than I was on my last official weigh-in day, which is far and away the best two-week loss I have had since I started getting weighed at the doctor’s office. Of course, owing to my teaching schedule I will not be back for another weigh-in until August 24, which is nearly three-weeks from today. I am hoping that in that time I can lose another three kilos, and hear the doctor say to me ‘Is this right?’ He has known me for fifteen years and knows that I can achieve anything I set my mind to; he has also seen me stagnate, and he has certainly seen me falter a number of times. He is a nice guy, but I am not trying to make him happy; I want him to be impressed because of my success, I do not want to succeed to impress him.

    While my heel is reminding me that I might want to change out my footwork, I am not feeling any other ill effects of my working out. That includes my ankle, which did not seem to bother me when I took Her Floofness for her walk this morning. I note that for two reasons. The first of which is the obvious and immediate… yes, I am feeling better, and I can plan for a good walk this afternoon and not have to worry about taking time off for injury.

    The other reason is because I remember back to my first few walks, and then to the first few where I pushed myself. After all of those, I would come home and nearly collapse in place, avoiding falling into bed only because I was disgustingly sweaty. The following day, I would feel my muscles aching with the reminder that they were not used to being used, and needed time to heal. While I certainly can feel in my leg muscles that they are recovering from the walk, I am raring to go for another one this afternoon after class. That is a sure sign of real progress, and a real non-scale victory.

    Adding to that NSV is the fact that I am walking better. I do not mean when I am pushing myself to exercise, rather when I am walking down the street, taking Princess Sophie for a walk, or whatever. Even walking through the supermarket, I feel lighter. It is, frankly, exhilarating. The phrase ‘You ain’t seen nothing yet’ comes to mind, knowing that as I continue to lose weight, my stride will continue to improve.

    It is good for me, on days when I am disappointed by the numbers on my scale, to remember how far I have come, and how sluggish I was just seven months ago. Forget that, just a couple of months ago I was still strides behind where I am today. For reasons I cannot recall, the other night I reached down between my legs from behind with one arm, and was able to clasp my hands through my legs… without my enormous belly getting in the way, and without the pains of ‘fat bodies do not move like that!’

    Don’t get me wrong… according to the numbers, I am still morbidly obese. Hell, according to what I see in the mirror, forgetting the numbers. According to the charts I look at online, I am still a good twenty-five pounds away from a promotion from morbidly obese to simply obese. According to those same charts, I am roughly one hundred pounds from simply being overweight. Those numbers are daunting, but they are also the goals that I am setting for myself.

    If it sounds like I am getting down on myself, let me assure you that I am not. I am being realistic and using that to encourage myself to keep going. I will not lose one hundred pounds in this calendar year – that is simply not realistic, and if it is, there is no healthy way to do so… at least, without surgery (either stomach surgery or limb amputation). However, rather than saying ‘It has to be done this year’ I say ‘I want to do it, I am committed to doing it, and I am willing to be patient with my progress knowing that I am doing the best that I can.’

    So, what is realistic for this calendar year? We are in the eighth month, and I am 7.5 months into my weight loss journey. I have lost nearly seventy pounds in that time. Another seventy pounds is not realistic… but would it be doable to lose another forty pounds in the remaining months of the year? That would take my weight loss to about 110-pounds, and would bring my weight down well below the 300-pound mark. That is possible. Now, if I stick with my regimen, it is possible that I could lose even more… but I am not going to get myself excited and set myself up for failure. Yes, it would be nice to get down to 260lbs, but doing that by the end of this year – or even by Day 365 (January 19, 2023) is a lofty goal. I will get there… but I will get there when I get there.

    Leslie and I had a conversation last night about my weight loss that resonated with me. She has been encouraging me to lose the weight, but at the same time, I know that she was attracted to me when I was at my heaviest. She made it clear last night (although not for the first time) that she wants me to lose the weight because she wants me to be healthy, because she wants to spend as many years as possible with me. I want that too. I want to be able to live a long and healthy life with her, and losing weight (and getting back into shape) is a huge part of that. I do not want to find myself ten years from today with a pacemaker and a bland diet that is medically prescribed lest I drop dead of another heart attack. I want to live a long life with her… and I want to be able to eat whatever I want!

    Over the weekend my friend Eduardo is coming over for a cigar, and I am going to ask him to take a picture of me exactly where and how I was standing when we took the ‘before’ picture on the day I started this journey. I look in the mirror today and I still see a fat man, but with all of the progress I know I have made, I am looking forward to seeing those two pictures side-by-side. Yes, I will post the two on my blog for the world to see… but I am not doing it for them. Leslie sees my progress, and it is easy to see so many ways that I have improved these last seven months. It is important for me to stop seeing myself as a fat man, and start recognizing the huge improvements I have made… even on days when I cannot see positive changes from day to day.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Awareness and Honesty

    There are myriad reasons why people are overweight, and I do my best to not judge people because I do not know their stories, what medical conditions they might suffer from, or the psychological trauma that they live with. The things that I say in this article are about me and are not meant to pass judgement on anyone else.

    Fifteen years ago, I moved from Quebec to Ontario. Aside from the obvious inconvenience factors, because our socialized medicine in Canada is administered by province, I was forced to find a new primary care physician. While it was not at the top of my agenda, I would eventually need to do it. In September of that year, I met Theresa, and it was just easy to go to the same doctor as she did. I met Doctor John Guy Yates sometime in 2008, and after the hiatus of living out of the country, I continue to see him to this day.

    As doctors do, during my first visit he planned to run a battery of tests – bloodwork and the like. He told me that because of my weight, he told me that he would also run tests on my thyroid. I asked him why, and he answered that very often obesity is caused by thyroid problems. I replied, ‘Doc, I am not fat because of my thyroid. I am fat because I like to eat a lot, and I do not exercise nearly enough.’ He looked at me and said that it is refreshing to hear a patient who is not trying to blame anyone else for their obesity… and that I was one of the few.

    Over the years, Doctor Yates has seen me balloon to my heaviest weight (twice – the second time I was living in the USA, so he did not see it), and has seen me drop to my lowest weight (or within 5-10 lbs of it). He has recommended me to a weight management clinic and has told me that I was pre-diabetic… and then, when I lost most of the weight, had the pleasure of telling me that I was no longer pre-diabetic. He has encouraged me in my weight loss efforts, as well as in my exercise regimens. These have included walking, running, Taekwondo (he knew me before I started, and look at where I am now!), as well as weight-training with a personal trainer. Now, once again, he is encouraging me by standing in for a weight-management clinic, most of which are still only doing telemedicine (ironically, since when I went to Japan, I tried to get them to do that, and they refused). I need the doctor’s office visits so that I can get weighed and really be accountable, and not just for the encouragement and admonishment I would get from the clinic.

    Fifteen years ago, I told Doctor Yates that I was obese because I like to eat. Fast-forward, I know there is more to it than that. I am fat because of myriad psychological issues that I have been dealing with since I left the Army… and before. The horrors of my military service, added to the trauma of an abusive childhood raised by a mother who always loved my sister more than she loved me (and who really enjoyed hitting me) have been no picnic. Add to that, it is impossible for me to discuss my military traumas with a doctor without security clearance… in Israel.

    In short, I am fat for two reasons:

    • I really like to eat foods that are fattening for me, and in large quantities; and
    • I spent so many years ignoring the psychological damage that I have endured.

    It cannot be as simple as that. I could sit here and write tomes on the reasons I have fought with obesity for my entire post-military life. Those tomes would be summarized in those two sentences.

    It is important when one has a health issue to deal with it. Of course, one cannot treat a broken leg with antihistamines. It is important to have the right treatments for the right malady. If that malady is an unbalanced thyroid (or whatever the term would be), then there are medical treatments for that. If the problems are psychological, there are doctors and therapists who can help you to deal with them. If you just like to eat a lot, then changing your eating habits is the key.

    Of course, once you have cured one or both of the medical issues, it is still important to change your eating habits. We might need to relearn how to eat healthy, and in some cases, we might need to learn that for the first time. If I gained the weight because of psychological trauma, that does not mean that as soon as I have dealt with that trauma (and let’s be honest, I will be dealing with them for the rest of my life), I will suddenly or even gradually lose all of the weight. Healthy eating is an important part of life, and please do not try to learn how to do it on Facebook… or even from actual books. If, like I had, you have forgotten how to eat healthy then there are professionals for that as well. Registered dieticians and nutritionists will educate and guide you in ways that books of fad diets and pop psychology cannot.

    That is not to say that all of those books or fad diets are bad – I remember thirty years ago hearing about The Atkins Diet, which from what I can tell was a program that cut carbohydrates out. In other words, it focused on ketosis. Yes, that can be a good program. No, it is not for everyone. In truth, despite what so many holier-than-thou proselytizers will tell you there is no single solution to losing weight and keeping it off that will work for everyone, and you need to find what will work for you. If it was as easy as everyone reading the same book and following the same program, then there would only be one book, and we would all be thin.

    Losing weight is neither easy nor simple. Before setting out on your weight loss journey it is important for you to understand why you are overweight… and to be honest with yourself about it. Nobody looks quite so dishonest with themselves as someone who tells you they are fat because of the slow metabolism, while ordering two pounds of Buffalo Wings with a large pizza. Of course, they so often order the Diet Coke to show you that they are trying.

    Be honest with yourself. If you believe it is your metabolism, or your thyroid, or any other medical condition, then speak to your doctor and discuss your options. Dealing with psychological issues might be harder than that… added to the stigma of being fat you have the stigma of being psychologically damaged. So many people are ashamed to seek help. You know what? Get over it. Psychological trauma is no less real – and is often much more damaging – than are physical maladies. If you just like to eat, then yes… dieting might be a temporary solution, but the better one might be changing your eating habits.

    Honesty and self-awareness are crucial to weight loss. Whether the food is the problem, or there is an underlying reason, you need to know. You cannot be cured by dealing with the symptoms. You have to address the source of the problem.

    I did not say that it was easy.

  • Day 95

    Sad news of loss is always a potential trigger for bad behaviour. If not outward, then certainly dietary. I was saddened to receive word last night that a friend of mine had passed away. I knew that I could not let my emotions get the better of me, and I stayed the course. I did not indulge. In fact, the only food that I had after hearing the distressing news was my evening shake. I am quite proud of myself for that.

    In short, yesterday I ate what I was meant to eat on my revised program. I had a meal replacement in the morning and in the evening, at lunch I had my main meal, and for dinner I had a salad with salmon. I drank more water than I do most days, but that might be owing to my walk. Five kilometers is a long way to go, and the sweat lost must be replenished!

    While I was feeling the effects of the walk all evening, I am feeling much better for it this morning. I do not feel that my muscles are crying, and given the opportunity, I might happily go for another walk today. Sadly, after spending a couple of hours taking my son for brunch, I will be congregating with friends to mourn Cam’s passing. He was a fellow cigar smoker, and we will spend the afternoon doing just that – smoking cigars in his honour.

    Speaking of breakfast with my son, I will take him, and I will be careful. I know there are too many temptations at a breakfast/brunch table, and I will do my best to stay as true to the program as I can. If on every second Sunday I am going to break my diet routine to spend an enjoyable couple of hours with my boy, then I will do so happily; at the same time, I can focus on good behaviours, and not go nuts. The plan is to have a vegetarian omelet, no potatoes, no toast. It is near to as boring a brunch meal as I can think; my weight did not get so out of hand as to require a year-long extreme weight-loss program to recover by being boring. Knowing that is how I got to where I am (and to where I was three months ago), I will forego the exciting at the restaurant.

    It is a beautiful day out. The sun is shining, and while the forecasted high temperature is 13°c (55°F), it looks like the daytime temps will be a couple of degrees shy of that. I don’t mind… I’ll have my jacket if I need it, and we will sit around sharing stories of our friend. Our friend who never took care of himself. Our friend who five years ago lost his leg to diabetes, and never made any lifestyle changes to prevent the loss of much more. Our friend who has been falling deeper into the depths of despair and depression, who spent so much of his time cloistered in his untidy basement apartment, and who, despite the encouragements of so many of us, did nothing to prevent his senseless and premature passing. In the large group who will be there this afternoon, we will share the wonderful stories of him. When those who were not as intimate are gone, we will lament that we did all that we could, but it was never going to be enough unless he was going to do his part. He stopped doing his part months ago.

    If ever there was a sign from the universe that I am on the right track, and that I need to get myself healthy and into shape, it is this. So yes, I will raise a single dram to his honour today… but I shall neither eat nor drink my sadness away. Unlike Cam, I have way too much to live for.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Brains!

    Okay, the honest title of this article should be Breads! But then I would have to explain that it had to be spoken in the voice of the zombies from an episode of The Simpsons… and I hate having to spend three sentences prior to writing my article trying to explain the title. I hope you enjoyed this daily helping of irony.

    I do not remember during which of her visits Leslie made a large bread pudding, but it was likely either October or November. This was well before my diet, and I indulged… and I did not regret a single tasty morsel!

    To put into perspective how much she made: Despite her having frozen more than half of what was left after the second night of our enjoying it, I still indulged nightly for a week. There was a lot of bread pudding.

    For better or for worse, I forgot that it was there. As will happen so often in freezers around the world, the container made its way to the back, and was forgotten for months. If it had not been frozen in a Corning ware pot, it might have stayed there until I moved.

    I have a collection of Corning pots and pans, and all the square(ish) ones have lids. Last week I cleaned the kitchen in preparation for Passover, and I decided to relocate these pots and pans. As I did, I noticed I had an extra lid… strange.

    I spent a few days trying to figure out where it came from? Did my friends who gifted me the set give me an extra lid? I think I would have noticed that when I put everything away the first time. Did I (or someone else) break one? I could not think that would have happened… Had it been Leslie or my cleaning lady, they would have told me. The only other people who have been in my kitchen since I moved in are Lyle (who has never cooked for me in my kitchen) and Eduardo (who I’m not sure has ever cooked for me anywhere), and my kids… Aaron did make me a meal when I was laid up with my broken ankle, but I was in the kitchen with him the whole time and I would have noticed. The only thing Gilad ever makes in my kitchen is microwave popcorn. Not them.

    Friday was the first night of Passover, and while I did not have a Seder to go to, I was going to do my best to make it as well as I could. Unfortunately, the stores were closed that day, so I had to make do with what I had in the house. I reached into the freezer for the homemade chicken stock that Lyle had given me a few months ago and I saw it… right next to the frozen chicken stock was a Corning ware pot covered not with the iconic glass lid, but with aluminum foil.

    imageThe mystery of the extra lid was solved.

    Yesterday afternoon I pulled the dish out of the freezer so that I could throw out the contents and reclaim the pot. Aside from it being Passover, bread pudding is seriously not on my diet. It had to go! The only problem is that it was frozen solid.

    Lyle and Dorothy had Leslie and I over one day and they told us that someone was going to buy some of their Corning ware, but decided not to, citing that it was not microwave friendly. That has become a recurring inside joke. All joking aside, I did not want to microwave it for two reasons:

    1. Doing so would render my microwave treyf (no longer Kosher for Passover); and
    2. The magnificent aromas of the defrosting desert would make my mouth water and would likely be too great a temptation to resist taking even a little taste.

    I decided to let the pot sit on the counter overnight. Sometime today it would be sufficiently defrosted to throw out.

    In the meantime, for nearly fifteen hours, there was a very delicious, very naughty, very inviting desert just sitting there on the counter, ready for anyone to just dive into. It need not be a dive… just a taste of the sweet syrupy goodness would be sufficient, right?

    Let us ignore for the moment that from mast evening through early this afternoon, I was very much in the doghouse, and worried that I might never be allowed out again. The emotions in me – the wholly negative emotions that coursed through my veins – were saying ‘WHO CARES? Why bother dieting? Everything put together sooner or later falls apart, and you only live once so indulge and enjoy!’ Had I given in, I would have been done for.

    There is a quote from the television show The West Wing where Leo McGarry (brilliantly portrayed by the late John Spencer) says ‘I’m an alcoholic. I don’t need a good reason to <drink>.’ (Season 2, Episode 7) He also says, in an earlier episode (Season 1 Episode 13), in response to ‘You can’t have a drink?’ he replies: ‘The problem is, I don’t want a drink, I want ten drinks.’

    When I am at my best, when I am focused, when everything is well in the world, then I might (and only might) be able to take a taste and leave the rest. Last night and this morning I was nowhere near my best, and my focus was shot. Had I taken a taste of the pudding, I would have taken another taste… and after a few ‘who are we kidding?’ tastes, I would have abandoned all pretext and I would have taken a very large serving… or two.

    Have you ever had a battle of wits with a recently discovered Corning ware pot full of homemade treats? If you have, then you might be a food addict. I know I am.

    Shortly before 1:00pm, I got the call that made my heart soar. Leslie had forgiven me. It is much more complicated than just that, but the details are nobody’s business but ours.

    As I started cleaning up my dishes from lunch, I held open the kitchen garbage bag and emptied the tempting, sweet, gooey contents of the pot into it. HRF Princess Sophie helped me to tidy up the tiny bit that fell onto the floor. I immediately filled the pot with hot water and soap, and then sealed the garbage bag and walked it to the garbage room.

    It does not take much to defeat us. It is easy to give up. That is why we must celebrate and share our victories, so that others who might one day be in the doghouse with a pot full of bread pudding sitting on the counter can draw strength and courage to do the right thing… when the alternative would be so easy.

    There are days when I falter, fall, and fail. Today will not be one of those days. We have to remember that as a mantra for every day.

    Mitch and his diet: 1

    Temptation: 0

    Final Score… for now.

  • Food Addiction

    There is a difficult side to food addiction that most other addictions do not have. It makes it hard for people who are not addicted to understand it. It makes it difficult for people who are not overweight to ‘get’ why we don’t just cut down on our food intake. Eat less food = lose weight, right?

    If you are addicted to drugs, you stop doing drugs. That is not to belittle how incredibly difficult it is to get off drugs as an addict, but that’s how it works. The same thing with booze. “Hi, I’m Fred, and I’m an alcoholic. (Hi Fred!) It’s been 473 days since my last drink and…” While I have never been to an AA meeting, that is how they are portrayed in pop culture; I have to assume that at least one of the myriad screenwriters who have portrayed this scene has been to a meeting and is doing their best to convey them accurately. Whatever it might be that you are addicted to, by cutting it out and spending the rest of your life not doing it, then you have conquered your addiction.

    Food does not work like that. You cannot cut food out of your life. You need food to survive. Sure, you can cut certain types of foods out of your life… if you are addicted to sweets, you can to a great extent cut sugar out of your diet. You cannot cut food out completely.

    People see food addicts as weak, but the truth is that if we overcome our lifelong battle with obesity and do manage to get slim, then we are among the strongest people in the world. Alcoholics say that if they have just one more drink, they will go back to drinking. While this is always portrayed in pop culture, I have seen it firsthand, from people I know to be alcoholics. When I lose all of my weight, will I be able to just have a small order of whatever it is that I crave? I will have to… but it is more likely that I will have to avoid a lot of foods completely.

    In September 2020 I weighed 260lbs. I was at my lowest weight since I first became overweight after the Army. I had been doing so well. After an event at my synagogue, the rabbi invited the volunteers to join him for a l’chaim (a drink). That would never have gotten me. It was the other volunteer who brought homemade baked goods that she insisted we all try that was my downfall. I had one… then another, because they were there. We all left the event, and I went straight to the grocery store… to the prepared foods department, where I picked up a large order of fried chicken.

    For the previous six months, I had eaten properly. I was combining my meal replacements with a healthy diet of food that I cooked myself – mostly chicken and salad – and I had lost a tremendous amount of weight. It took a cookie to bring that all to an end.

    Food addicts cannot cut out all foods. We have to change our habits to those of moderation, and that is not an easy ask. We have to learn to say ‘Thank you, but no thank you’ when people offer us foods that are tempting, but which are not on our diet plans. Had I turned down that cookie, would I have gone off the program? Probably not… I know that had I not gone to pick up the fried chicken that night then my life today might be extremely different than it is.

    Now here’s the rub… How can I say all of this, and then turn around and say, ‘When I drop below this or that milestone, I will allow myself a cheat meal?’ Or ‘When we are on vacation, I am pausing the diet.’ How can I say these things, knowing what I know? I know that I have not beaten my addiction… but I also know that I have learned from my missteps and will fight like hell to do what I need to do. I know that yes, I have cheated… but every time I have, I have been able to get right back on track the following day. I know that I have the love of my life who will ask me (upon our return from Cuba next month) if I am back on the program… and if I say ‘No,’ she will encourage me to get back to it.

    I also say it knowing that I am nowhere near where I need to be yet. I am not talking about my weight; I am talking about changing my relationship with food. I am still a food addict and know that it would be simple for me to revert back into gluttony. I do not want to do that, and I will not let myself do that. Yes, when we are in Cuba, I plan to eat. No, I do not plan to gorge myself. I might bring healthy snacks for when there is nothing else available, but in truth there is usually something available that I can eat. In truth, the only food in Cuba that really will tempt me is the proteins – the chicken and seafood, mostly – and that you get one helping of at your meal.

    On the resort, we will mostly be eating at the buffet. By tempering what I take, and by loading my plates down with salads, I will be able to stay mostly on track. When we are in Havana or the town of Varadero, I will not go nuts… I would rather spend my money on great cigars than on decent food.

    Food addicts cannot cut our addiction completely out. We will spend the rest of our lives battling our demons and trying to keep our addiction in check. I have now lost the fight three times – I have been below 275-pounds three times in my life and gained nearly (or over) a hundred pounds three times. This time around, I plan to win, knowing that I can never really go off the program… not really. If I plan to win, then I will need to be aware of and careful with what I eat every day for the rest of my life.

    If only I were simply addicted to drugs…

  • Pride of Dress, Pride of Progress

    My absolute worst weight ever – eighty-nine days ago – proved that I had, for a time, given up. I had no pride in my appearance, and for several months had not cared enough about myself to rein in the bad habits that come so easily to me. Of course, a broken ankle did not help… but I was in a bad way. My stomach hung out from nearly every shirt that I owned, all of which were tight fitting.

    I am now down a little over forty-five pounds, and while I still have little reason to be proud of my body, I am proud of the progress that I have made. I know that one day I will once again have pride in my appearance.

    This morning I got dressed after my shower, knowing that HRF Princess Sophie was pressed to go outside for her morning walk. I checked the weather, and then I grabbed the next shirt on my shelf of long-sleeve XXXL shirts. We went for our walk.

    I should mention at this point that not all shirts are made equally. I am not talking about quality, but rather of sizes. While that is less prevalent where the measurement is a number (a size-42 pair of pants will have a bit of range, but they will all be approximately the same), but when the sizes are L-XL-XXL and so on, there is a huge range. Most of my XXXL shirts fit me quite well now. The one that I picked off the shelf yesterday definitely did not. My belly hung out of it, and there was no amount of tucking it in that was going to hide my stomach for long.

    Eighty-nine days ago, I would have thrown up my hands and said, ‘Oh well!’ That is not what I did this morning. The shirt did not fit… but it will. That might take a couple of weeks or a couple of months, but the bright pink Under Armor shirt will fit properly one day and soon. It does not yet, so I took it off, and picked out the next shirt from the same pile. Ironically, it was also an Under Armor shirt in the same size. It fits perfectly.

    I am done wearing clothes that do not fit. I am happy to wear clothes that are a bit tight, but if it will not hide my belly then I am not wearing it.

    I still do not have a lot of pride in my appearance, but Leslie loves what I look like, and she is so proud of the progress I have made. She will continue to support me in my weight loss. My girlfriend deserves to have a boyfriend who takes some pride in his appearance, and dresses appropriately. There are so many days when I do not feel that I deserve such a beautiful woman as her, and I am not going to let a day pass when I do not show her the respect to be the best boyfriend that I can be. The day that I do that, I will truly not deserve her.

  • Day 88

    There is a psychological characteristic in me that does not seem to want to accept certain types of moderation. I am not talking about food intake… although I suppose I am a glutton when I do not check myself. No, what I mean is this: I feel that when I veer from my program, even a little, I will be punished the following day on the bathroom scale.

    Yesterday (Saturday) I had my morning shake, and then around 11:00am HRF Princess Sophie and I hit the road. We drove to Caledon to see my friend (and now hers) Jacqueline, and her young puppy (I think she is six months old) Charley. A wonderful time was had, but shortly after we left the house, I realized that I had not taken any meal replacements with me. We stopped in at Bulk Barn, where I purchased a bag of red-skinned peanuts. Remember the previous day, when I bought a bag of peanuts from the convenience store? That bag cost me $5.99, and the peanuts were salted. This bag cost me $1.50, and the peanuts were exactly the way I like them. I enjoyed them as we drove up north.

    Jacqueline knows that I am on a diet, and also respects that it is Passover, so even if I was not on a diet, I really cannot eat any snack she might put out. She offered me coffee, which I enjoyed. We had a great time catching up – it had been far too long!

    We hit the road a little after 5:00pm, and no thanks to Waze on my iPhone, we got to the supermarket around 6:00pm. I know, I wrote yesterday that I would bring her home before going shopping, but we were an hour later than I thought we would be, and it was warm and sunny. Princess Sophie climbed up onto the back dash to sun herself while I ran in and picked up everything that I needed… except one crucial item. Oops.

    We got home and I put the chicken into the air fryer, and the rest of it into freezer bags. It was only then, as I was getting ready to prepare my salad, that I realized that I had run out of balsamic vinegar the previous evening. Okay, I had a choice: Either I could make my salad another way (and while there are myriad ways to season a salad, I did not have too many options in the house), or I could forego the salad, and instead steam a head of broccoli. I opted for that second option, adding a bit of onion as well. I spread much less margarine than I had on my previous attempt, but also added some cheese (but not a lot). I forgot to add salt, but that is not the end of the world.

    Spoiler alert: While steamed broccoli can be quite tasty, steamed onion is less so… at least, not the way I prepared it. I ate it, but it was nothing to write home about.

    Later in the evening I had another meal replacement shake. That was the extent of my food intake yesterday.

    If you look at what I consumed, I obviously did not gorge myself. I did not eat tons of bad food, or even overeat the good ones. Yes, I had a little margarine and shredded cheese on my broccoli. Yes, I had a handful of peanuts (which replaced a meal). With all that, how could I possibly not lose weight?

    I did. After yesterday’s colossal two-pound gain (which followed the previous two day’s 1.5 lbs gain, I was hoping to be down at least a little. I was down a full three pounds from yesterday, and while I am not back to my best weigh-in of the last week, I am damned close to it… and most importantly, I am back under the 350-pound mark.

    I will mention as well that I think that moving the scale from the bathroom to the bedroom has done tremendous good for the stability of my weigh-ins. While I am neither an architect nor a builder, I suspect that the floors immediately adjacent to a load-bearing brick wall will necessarily be more stable than one nowhere near an outside wall, when the floor in the apartment has already been established as not reliably stable. It (the scale) is now under my window, which means I can just leave my phone on the ledge when I weigh in (which allows it to register the weight). Over the past few days (since I moved it) I know that there has been much less up-and-down before settling on a final weight… and so there it will remain.

    My plans for today: I am picking up the cleaning lady from the train station in about an hour. I would have stopped at the store to pick up a bottle of balsamic vinegar, but guess what? Yep, the stores are closed again for Easter Sunday. Sigh. I suppose for my salad today I will be making a slightly different dressing, with the fixings that I do have.

    Have a great day folks!