Losing a part of me

Category: Psychology

  • Day 283

    My stress has not really abated from yesterday, but I at least did get a mostly good night’s sleep. Following my morning rituals, Princess Sophie decided to extend our walk to a longer route than usual, which is not a bad thing. I would have thought that I got more than 2,000 steps in it, but that’s life. I don’t mind.

    Yesterday’s food intake was somewhat more than usual, but not terrible. I did take my son for lunch, and he did want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ordered a salad with chicken (no blue cheese, no bacon). They brought it with bacon, so I sent it back. It eventually did come, as my boy was almost ready to leave. It took us quite some time for them to bring us a box for his leftovers, during which I did eat the two small pieces of chicken and some of the lettuce. I realize they are not known for their salads, but even for a wings joint, this salad had the words half-assed all over it. Whatever.

    I dropped him off and then came home and made a proper lunch. So really, the two pieces of breaded chicken on the salad would be fairly considered a cheat. In the evening, I also ate the challah (with peanut butter, which is not strictly part of the religious obligations), and I drank the kiddush wine (less than an ounce). Still and all, I went to bed thinking that these cheats would end me, and that when I woke up, my weight would be at least a pound up. In fact, despite not being able to poop, I was down nearly one full pound… .8lbs is a good one-day loss, especially knowing that I thought I was going to be up.

    That whole ‘I had this, so I probably ruined my diet’ routine is due to the psychological damage I have suffered over the years. Some of that was self-inflicted, some external, but a lot of it was parental. I am fifty years old, and it has been thirty years since I lived with my parents. I am not going to blame my parents for anything; I am obese because of myself, and not because my mother was a terrible mother. That does not change the fact that the psychological damage I live with is real. I have to try to understand that I can lose weight without the incessant extremism of the program that I am on. Yes, that program is important to my progress, and no, I do not think it would be a good idea to drop the program now, thinking that I could just eat reasonably and always make good decisions. I know that cheating in moderation is possible and acceptable. I also know that, without placing any blame or pointing any fingers, I developed and continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. If I am not careful, I will make bad choices. I might go a few days eating well and I might even lose a couple more pounds… but my history is clear that I will start to slide, and I will lose my footing, and will eventually fall back into old habits. No, staying on the program is, for now, the right way to go.

    Reading this last paragraph, you might ask yourself if I plan to stay on my program forever? No, that is absolutely not my intention. Right now, I am living alone. Once I am living with my wife, it will be easier. I also hope that by then I am at a more reasonable weight. With all of that said, I know that at some point I will likely need to find a therapist who can help me, because I know I am a food addict, and I will always be… but alcoholics do not need to drink anymore, and I can’t stop eating forever. I need to be able to deal with the addiction, and with the other psychological aspects of my psychosis.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Self Love

    Several months ago – either before or shortly after I started my weight loss program – I was speaking with my girlfriend (now my wife) and I told her that I hated myself. I told her that when I looked in the mirror, when I put on a 3XL shirt that was tight or did not even fit, when I could hardly walk my dog three blocks without needing to lie down when we got home, I was completely disgusted by myself. This upset her, and she told me that I needed to work on loving myself. It was obviously a much deeper conversation than that, but if I were to ask her if that was an accurate synopsis of the conversation, she would accept that it was.

    I started my weight loss program on January 20th. As I write this, it is 9:30pm on Sunday, October 23… two hundred and seventy-seven days later. I do not know for certain what I weighed that day because my bathroom scale is not accurate in that range, and the scale at my doctor’s office maxed out at 350lbs. I estimate I weighed 395lbs, and that is the number I am using for my progress benchmarks.

    Today, ten months and three days into the program, I look back on a lot of successes, and a lot of failures. I have had weeks when I was nearly perfect on my program, but I have had a lot more cheat meals and cheat days than I care to admit. I know that had I stuck to the program religiously, I would be a lot slimmer today than I am. I also know that had I given up on the program, I would be back to where I was. I never want to be there again.

    Leslie has done a tremendous job of encouraging me along the way. While she has told me that she would always love me (and I believe it), she also knows how important my weight loss is for me… and that if I did not (and do not continue to) lose weight, the long life we want to have together would be much shorter. When I write in my journal that I am having a bad time of the program, she asks if she needs to kick my ass. She is very encouraging of every new challenge, and every milestone I hit.

    The question came to mind earlier this evening: Do I love myself yet? I suppose the better question would be: am I still disgusted by what I see?

    Knowing all of my failures and cheats, let’s review my progress so far:

    • Lost ~85lbs
    • Down from a tight 3XL to a loose 2XL golf shirt
    • Able to out-walk my dog… and have in the last month been able to walk 15km in a day
    • Eating significantly less… and making better choices
    • Intimate performance has greatly improved
    • My belly does not hang out of any of my shirts
    • Jackets that I could not come close to closing at the beginning fit perfectly… and while I am not yet ready to wear my custom-tailored suits from five years ago, the jacket is now a tight but wearable fit

    I could list many more improvements, but I think the most telling is a story that happened just two weeks ago. Leslie and I went out for Mexican food on the penultimate night of my latest trip to Dallas. When I came back to the table from the washroom, I told her that I looked in the mirror and saw a much slimmer man than I was expecting… I was used to seeing a morbidly obese man looking back at me. Now? I’m still fat, but I am looking better.

    I still do not love my body. It is hard to explain, but despite how long it might take me to stop being fat, I suspect that psychologically it will take much longer to stop thinking that I am fat. I like myself better than I did ten months ago, but I have a long way to go before I love my body again… if I ever did. Long before I was actually fat, I was taught by my mother to hate my body. It did not matter that I played high school and college basketball; it did not matter that I served (with distinction) in the Army. I was taught that I needed to lose weight… which meant that I was fat.

    The psychology of weight loss is complex. I do not know if I will ever look at myself and be happy with my body. There is so much discussion of how women have been taught to be ashamed of their bodies, but with men it is much less out in the open. I think that at a certain point, I am going to realize that I cannot do it alone, and I will need to speak with someone. Leslie is wonderful but I think that anyone with a history like mine would need professional guidance to feeling good about myself.

    To be clear, I feel much better about myself today than I did a year ago, or even six months ago. Better is not Good. I need to learn to feel good about myself. When will that happen? I don’t know. It would be nice to fit into my Army uniform, but will that do it? I don’t know. I only know that I am on a journey, and it is a difficult one. I have come so far… but I have so far to go. That is not only around my waist, but in my head. I thank G-d daily that I have such a helpful partner. Now if only I could be a better me.

  • Day 266

    Best-Weight-Zone is a great place to be. I am back to what I weighed at the end of February, 2021. My best weight of that year would be three days later, the day that I started my contract with Microsoft. I weighed 305.6lbs that day (March 3). By March 31, I weighed 325.2lbs. I had not quite given up… but I was close to it. My actual give-ups were probably the day that my father passed away (April 19), and then the day I returned to Canada (July 16). That will not happen this time.

    I worded that in a way that made it sound like something happened to me. No, it was me doing it, and so a better way to say it would be I will not do that this time. My goal is to get slim and to stay slim… no matter what external forces push me. That is a great goal of course… but the reality is that it is an extremely difficult course that I am on, and I have to remember to persevere, no matter what. If I falter one day, I have to get back on track the next day.

    The psychology of weight loss is complex. Anyone who says otherwise does not understand the forces at work. It is simple to say ‘I will not eat anything bad. I will not eat excessively. I will continue to exercise.’ It is not nearly as easy to maintain that attitude long-term. That is what I have to do… and if I fall off the wagon on any given day, I need to pick myself right back up the following day and continue. Alcoholics use the mantra ‘One day at a time.’ I have to keep going. I have to remember what I discussed months ago in this very journal, about how overeating is an addiction just like alcohol. To treat it otherwise is to belittle the difficulties in losing weight, at least for someone who has been obese their entire life (or in my case, my entire post-Army life).

    Several months ago, I wrote an entry called Temptations and Cravings in which I discussed the allure of a particular fried chicken restaurant… I discussed how after the last time I ate it I felt nauseous. I knew that I should not be tempted by it, but I was. That was on Day 9. You would think that by today, 257 days later, I would be over that craving. Yet just three days ago, as I was driving toward the salad place which was closed, I saw this chicken place and was sooo tempted. I know it made me sick! And yet there I was, so tempted to pull in to take home a bucket of extra crispy. Whoever said that food is not addictive was completely out to lunch… pun intended.

    My foot is hurting again today (and has been since last night). Perhaps the six kilometre walk yesterday was not my best idea. I’ll get over it, but if tomorrow I feel like heading out, I will first decide if the pain is worth it. I am perfectly ready to say that it is… but Leslie might have another position, as she does not enjoy seeing me in pain.

    The plan for today is to spend it at the cigar lounge. Leslie is going into her office for an event, and so I could either sit at home pining for her (which I will do anyways), or I could sit at the cigar lounge enjoying a stick or two. I quite think I prefer that second option. For the first time in a fortnight, we will be alone this evening – her son went back to his father’s house. As such, this evening will be a date night, with a nice dinner, and then drinks and cigars on the patio. While we love spending time with the boy, we also love spending time alone. Also, after her week with him at Disneyland, I know she needs a bit of a break from him, and a bit of adult time will do her well.

    It is another beautiful day in Dallas, and we are going to enjoy it. I will probably sit outside at the lounge today, depending on a few different factors.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 258

    It is weird to be back in Southern California; weirder still to be back at the Stonehaus, in my old stomping ground of Westlake Village. It’s almost like I never left, and haven’t been here in a thousand years.

    I was mostly (although not completely) good yesterday on my food intake. Firstly, I realized too late into my scrumptious dinner of rotisserie chicken and salad that the salad had feta cheese. I did not eat non-kosher on purpose, but I did.

    I also indulged in some dried fruit and peanuts, and thought I might pay for it on the scale, but I was extremely pleased to see that I lost nearly a pound. I think I have an irrational fear that any minor aberration from the program will sink me, which I know is not true. I’m working on it. As I have mentioned, there is a huge psychological component to weight loss, and I have not yet found the right balance between eating everything and eating nothing in my mind.

    It is great being out here and seeing all of my friends. Ok, I’ve only seen three of them so far, but it is still great. I’ll see many more before the week is done, and it is truly great. Friends are truly important, and even if you don’t see them often, when you do it is special.

    I do not know if I will be able to get any walks in this week. My schedule is pretty tight, but also because I am not somewhere I can easily come home and shower, it’s a pain. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 252

    I said something in a meeting on Friday last week that was haunting me yesterday. Fortunately, I got a good response from the head of the team I am working with. We were meant to have a meeting scheduled for today, and I had not heard back from them, so I started to worry that they took offense. When I got a meeting request from them this morning, it lightened my load somewhat. Yes, we are all good, and yes, I remember my French-Canadian slang. There are a few words in the dialect that can be used both gutturally, and to describe something in business as a disaster. I used one of those words to describe part of their systems, and it bothered me for a bit that I might have stepped over a line. The good news is that the people who implemented the systems are no longer with the company, so there should have been no personal insult. It all worked out.

    I mentioned in yesterday’s article that I had toast for breakfast, and then after my walk, I had a sandwich for lunch. After that, I only had meal replacements. I hope that as of today I can be completely back on track. My last two weigh-ins were bad, but this morning I was back in the right direction. I am not quite back down to 315lbs, but I am close to it. With any luck, I will be able to stay on track today. No, luck has nothing to do with it. I have to stay on track, and blaming or crediting luck is silly, and possibly counterproductive.

    This morning I walked into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. I almost went for the last of the raisin challah from Rosh Hashana, which would have been delicious with some peanut butter. I picked it up… and I put it down. I prepared my meal replacement shake and a cup of coffee. There is no luck involved in weight loss, and there is no raisin challah either. I have said it before; however tasty and satisfying it would be, the satisfaction of weighing less tomorrow morning outweighs the tasty challah treat. I also know that this evening, Leslie and I are going to take her son for dinner this evening, and that will be my only meal. I said at the beginning of the holiday that I wanted to be back on track today. I meant it!

    We have a meeting at the bank this morning, and then in the early afternoon I have a meeting with my customer. If that meeting ends when I expect it to, I will go for my walk in the afternoon. If it goes longer, I might have to forego the walking today, which I do not want to do. It may not be an addiction, but I still enjoy it. I also enjoy knowing that I am getting closer to my goals.

    While walking yesterday, I was thinking about addictions. Why is it that it is so much easier to become addicted to food, booze, drugs, whatever than it is to get addicted to exercise and physical activity? Yes, the former are easier, but the latter is actually good for you, literally something that we need. It should be easier to get addicted to things that are good for you. After all, have you ever heard of anyone with a salad addiction? Of course not. I freely admit though that I am addicted to foods… and not the good foods. I am addicted to foods with little to no nutritional value whatsoever. That just sucks.

    I understand the science behind the addiction. Sugar and salt are both substances that our bodies crave, and carbohydrates give us energy. That energy can be used for good – yesterday, after eating my toast with margarine, I hit the road and did a ten-kilometre walk. That energy can also be wasted, at which point the carbohydrates simply convert to fat, rather than burning off. The fact that I understand the science does not mean I am any less thrilled with the fact that salads and exercise are not easy addictions to come into, and that I would happily fight someone for a plate of Buffalo wings. Life is not fair.

    Okay, so here’s the plan for the day: I had my meal replacement and am drinking my coffee. While preparing for my early afternoon meeting, I will have my second meal replacement. After that meeting, I will go for a walk – not as long as yesterday’s, especially knowing that it will be quite warm out, but a walk, nonetheless. I will come home, cool down, take a shower, and likely have a third meal replacement. When Leslie and the boy come home, we will decide what to do for dinner; it will most likely be sushi, but that will be their decision. I will go along with whatever they decide, and I will just try to make good decisions when we are at the restaurant. We will come home, and while Leslie spends some time with her son, I will either participate, or I will give them space. That will be based on how things go. By the time I get into bed, I will have ingested under 1,200 calories, and as few carbohydrates as possible. Sound good? If that works, then tomorrow morning I should once again be happy with the numbers on the bathroom scale.

    Of course, if it were that easy, I would be slim already. That is why we say ‘One day at a time.’

    Have a great day folks!

  • The Weight Loss Success / Failure Star

    A couple of years ago, while I was doing very well on my program (and before my total collapse and backward slide into total failure) I came up with this logo – the Weight Loss Success/Failure Star. Please believe me that I did not design it to look like the Star of David with the Palestinian colours, but yes, that is what it looks like. Ooops.

    I still think the message behind the star is correct. There are many ways to fail, but three main keys to success are solid: Caloric/Nutritional Intake, Water Intake, and Physical Activity. Without these three, success is unlikely.

    The three ways to fail that I enumerated are absolutely true, with Attitude, Stress/Lifestyle, and Work being three big factors to failure. Of course, there are plenty others… but these three are key.

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    As I looked at the star today, with its two interlocking triangles, I had a bit of an epiphany. By inverting the red triangle, we would be left with only a triangle. If that sounds simplistic and obvious, let me explain why I felt this important:

    Attitude: The wrong attitude is a surefire way to fail, in weight loss as in so many aspects of life. By flipping our attitude, we can turn it to green, and make it a success factor. Attitude.

    Stress/Lifestyle: There are so many different ways to deal with stress. Most people who have obesity issues often deal with stress by turning to food, and bad foods at that. When we look at the habits of myriad people who stay in shape, we learn that a lot of them deal with stress by integrating physical activity into their life. I have met many people who look at exercise as a way to destress. In fact, any medical professional will tell you that exercise is an antidepressant. By changing our habit of turning to food into turning to exercise, we can turn our stresses and lifestyles into another success factor. Stress/Lifestyle.

    Work: It is easier for people with jobs requiring physical labour to be healthy, but those of us who work in office environments – sitting at desks staring at computer screens – are prone to the ill-effects of eight to ten hours of sitting on our bums. Every company is different, every office. If you go into an office or you work from home, or if you are on the road visiting different sites, every work environment and schedule will have different requirements. With that said, if you are able to find a time – either during your lunch or during your breaks, or whenever it will be, it is possible to integrate physical activity into your routine. I have worked at companies with great gym facilities, which allowed employees to work out during their breaks, and even shower before returning to their desks. Others have simply had staircases that employees could use to exercise – up three floors, down three floors, repeat. Some have nothing but leaving the building during the day to go for a walk is always an option.

    A lot of companies provide snacks to their employees, and these can be a real stopper. Yes, many of the unhealthy snacks are a good way to test your willpower, but you only have to falter occasionally to fail at your diet. A friend on a similar journey as mine cried to me this week that one of her coworkers has been bringing in cookies from Tim Hortons every day. I told her how proud I was that she did not succumb to the temptation, but on one of these days she might. The good side of this is that a lot of companies recognize the value of healthy snacks, ranging from fresh fruit and granola bars to yogurts and salads. Even if you only make the decision to stick to water in lieu of diet soda (which is deceivingly un-weight-loss-friendly, you have chosen positive over negative. There are choices that we can all make to turn the negative work experience green and make it a success factor. Work.

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    All of a sudden, we see that all of our points are green, and failure, while still present, is a lot lighter than our success factors. If we are able to flip our downward (red) triangle, our star (upward and downward) now looks more like two forward-facing arrows. If we are able to take control over all of these points, then we can move in that direction (forward) to losing weight, and to better health.

    These are simple concepts that are not easy to implement. If they were, all of us would be slim and in great shape. The psychology behind all of this is far beyond my basic understanding, but I know that every time I have failed at losing weight and keeping it off, it has always come down to psychological factors. With that said, we can all benefit from getting help. I don’t mean speaking to a psychologist on a regular basis, but a weight loss buddy – either someone who has gone through the sort of weight loss you are working toward, or someone who is currently on the same journey.

    The advantages of someone who has been there before are that they know the pitfalls, they know what you are going through, and they have been there… and succeeded. The advantage of someone who is on the same journey is that there is no judgement, only encouragement. Of course, the downside is that if they fall off, you are left alone.

    Asking for help is hard, but the benefits of the help are tremendous. If you think you don’t know anyone, then let me assure you that social media is replete with support groups for anyone who looks. You may have to look, but you likely won’t have to look too far.

    Do not rush it, but do not dawdle. If you follow the arrows, pretty soon you will be the star of your new, slimmer life.

  • Day 245

    It was 1:30pm yesterday when I sent my wife a text reading: Player 1 Achievement Unlocked: Airport Pickup. Yes, I did my walk. While I did not extend the walk down to Mainway, I did make it my longest walk (but only by 50 metres). I am also happy that not only am I able to keep my average pace under 10m00s, but aside from my first kilometre and the final half kilometre, every kilometre was below that time. I am happy that I am able to turn on my jets… and keep them lit.

    · Distance: 10.5km (9.35km)

    · Duration: 1:42:06 (1:31:03)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 9:43 (9:44)

    · Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9.26s (9m17)

    · Steps: 13k (11.2k)

    · Calories burned: 1,261 (1,147)

    · Elevation gain: 31.7 (46.2)

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 126 (124)

    I continue to be disappointed by my weight loss. Yes, down is better than up… but I wanted to get back below the 315 mark before I flew to Dallas (tomorrow), and that is looking extremely unlikely. It is so easy to gain the weight, and exponentially harder to lose it.

    Yesterday, I was pretty good on the food. Instead of three meal replacements in the afternoon/evening, I had another single piece of chicken with a salad. I was really hoping that, coupled with the excellent fitness walk that I did, would have shown better than a .4-lbs loss this morning. No, that’s it. Thank you for playing!

    The weather today is pretty nice, and I thought I might go for a walk this afternoon. Then I ran into my neighbour this morning, and she asked if I could look after Charlie for a few hours in the afternoon. It is my absolute pleasure to take care of him, firstly because he is really easy to take care of, but also because he and Princess Sophie are such good friends and companions, and they play so well together. When he is here, I do not have to do anything, other than to take them for a walk if it’s been too long. I might take them for a walk, but a fitness walk is unlikely. This is not only because of the puppies, but also because my legs are definitely feeling the residual effects of yesterday’s walk.

    I miscalculated with my shopping and have no more chicken for today’s lunch. Rather than going to the store to pick more up, I decided to defrost a steak for lunch. I have plenty of veggies for my salad, which I am going to start preparing shortly after publishing this entry.

    Tomorrow is the big day. I am so looking forward to seeing my wife, it is almost painful. Barring unforeseen events at the airport, I will be seeing her tomorrow afternoon. I am jumping out of my skin with excitement! I know it has only been three weeks since I was there last, but we are married and are supposed to be together… always. Fortunately, I received the certified divorce certificate from the Quebec Ministère de la justice yesterday, which means that the only thing left to do is for us to get passport pictures taken (which we will do Friday), and for me to review the application… which at this point is just about dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s. At that point, we submit the application, and wait… too long, but at least it will finally be in motion.

    At this point, I am going to go about my day. I have laundry to fold, a suitcase to pack, and a puppy to snuggle with. I don’t have a lot more planned for the day – I cannot think of anything I need to buy or anywhere I need to go during the day. There is a chance that in the evening I will be meeting up with Eduardo and Sam for a cigar, but that is not yet confirmed. We’ll see. In the meantime…

    …have a great day folks!

  • Support of Friends and Family

    There are differences between nagging and encouraging. Having been exposed to both, I am familiar with many of them.

    Encouraging someone comes from a place of love, caring, and concern. It is done when someone is open to your input, and when you try to convey it in a way that will be accepted and is meant to help.

    Nagging might also come from caring, but it is usually done in a way that will discourage the person. It is done with a tone that can be hurtful or belittling, it might even be accusatory. While it might be intended to help, it can beat the person down and discourage them, having the exact opposite effect.

    A couple of months ago, Leslie and I were speaking about my weight loss regimen, and she told me that she was sorry for several things that she had said. I did not understand why and told her so. She reminded me that within the last few days she had:

    · Called me when I told her I might be too tired to walk and told me ‘Get dressed and go for a walk, Mister!’

    · Encouraged me to not have an extra salad one evening, calling it a ‘gateway salad,’ essentially that if I thought that having the salad with just vegetables was okay, I would not only make it a habit, but would then start adding canned salmon and seeds to it.

    · Reminded me on a number of occasions that I was doing well, and to stay strong so that I could accomplish what I wanted to with this diet.

    Over the years, I have told several people – not only individually, but I went so far as to write articles on it – that I did not want their input on my weight loss. That was not only about unsolicited advice, but even comments about my progress. When it comes to weight loss, everyone seems to have opinions and advice. It is all meant to be encouraging, but so often has the opposite effect.

    I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me something like: ‘You are doing great on your diet! You should try…’ and then shared their advice with me. Folks, if I am doing well, then let me continue doing what I am doing. For that matter, if I falter then the best way for me to get back on track is with the familiar, not with something new.

    I have a friend who weighs more than I do and has also over the last few months lost a lot of weight. He is doing incremental fasting, and the results are incredible. We have discussed his methods several times… and he knows mine. What he has not done was told me that I have to try this.

    When you are losing weight, it could feel good to hear people tell you how great you look. That is not always the case though, and because of that, sometimes I just do not want to hear it. I like to think that I have a pretty thick skin, but when someone tells me that I am doing good on my diet it is a judgement, and oftentimes I do not want to be judged.

    The last few days, as I have written, I have faltered quite a bit. While I walked quite a bit while I was in Montreal, I ate badly. On my second day back from Montreal, I went on an amazing, longest-walk-ever. That was Monday. Since then, I have not exercised, nor have I stuck to my weight loss regimen.

    Yesterday evening, my wife asked me if she needed to show me tough love… knowing that I have not been doing well. I told her that I did, and so she told me that if I did not get out for at least two really good walks before coming to Dallas, she would not pick me up from the airport. It’s rather a longer walk than I am comfortable committing to, so I figured that I had better set out today for my first of at least two good walks before Thursday.

    • Distance: 9.35km (10.45km)
    • Duration: 1:31:03 (1:44:12)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 9:44 (9:58)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m17 (9m36)
    • Steps: 11.2k (12.8k)
    • Calories burned: 1,147 (1,242)
    • Elevation gain: 46.2 (37)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 124 (122)

    Do I think that my wife would have left me stranded at the airport? Of course she would not. She knows me though, and she asked if I wanted her to be tough on me. She knows that she has leave to use the carrot and the stick. I actively seek her encouragement, support, and when warranted, her berating. While most of the people who try to give me advice and encouragement are equally well-meaning, their input is not welcome. Leslie’s is welcomed and actively sought. I do not expect her to lock me out of the house if I don’t walk X number of kilometres this week… but I also do not want her blowing sunshine and roses up my rear what I am having a bad time of it.

    I did not break records today, but I had a really good walk, and a really good sweat. I am going to take my shower, and then start preparing my lunch. After that, I will go shopping, and will try to pick up enough provisions to take me through my flight on Thursday. I am usually pretty good, but every single trip to the supermarket is another opportunity for me to falter. I will not! I will, however, buy milk for my coffee, a couple more packages of chicken, and lettuce. I will check, I might also need an onion. I do not think there is anything else that I need, and today’s can be my last trip to the supermarket until I am home from Texas in a month.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 241

    I know that I have hit a plateau on my weight loss journey. It is not a physiological plateau, rather a mental one. I am not sticking to the program as well as I need to in order to continue to lose weight. I need to stop cheating, and I need to start exercising daily… or at least near daily.

    I feel like I have turned self-destructive since my trip to Montreal began. That my weight is not up more than two pounds since I left for Montreal is astounding. I need to figure out what is wrong with my head, and why it is that I cannot stay on track. Only then will I be able to get back onto the track and keep losing weight.

    The psychology of weight loss is not a simple one. I love food. I love losing weight. I love eating. I love being slim. I hate dieting and starving myself and being fat and gaining weight and wearing big clothes and above all I hate that I am not completely in control of my own self, that I cannot just will myself to succeed with my weight loss program. If only there were a recovery program, like there is for drug addicts. I remember the scene from The Sopranos where Chris goes into the treatment centre. They take away even his candy bars because the caffeine in the chocolate is equally a drug to the cocaine or whatever he was doing. They encourage his smoking though, which is one of those dichotomies that Hollywood does not properly explain. If I could be committed to a facility where veering from the program was not an option, where I was given 1,000 calories per day, where I was forced to exercise… but I do not have that option.

    The option that is available to me is that in five days I will be getting onto a plane to see my wife, and when I am with her, I have the support and encouragement that I need to make the right choices… and that’s really what I need. I need to make the right choices every day, and if there is a day when I make bad choices, then I have to come back the following day to make better ones.

    To be clear, these last two weeks I have made a lot of bad choices… but none of them have been massive. I had some crackers and popcorn a couple of days. I had an extra salad and popcorn another. I bought bread for the prayers, but not the huge loaf. I suspect that the first sentence of this entry used the right word… I am on a plateau. It may take a few days, but I will resume my downward descent. It is not a valley, where I have hit my lowest (best) weight and am now on my way up. No way. I will get back on this weight loss horse and keep losing the weight.

    What is it that I have to do then? Leslie has been encouraging me to schedule cheat days. Whether they are weekly or monthly, there can be one scheduled day that I can look forward to when I can go a little crazy. I don’t mean ‘a big plate of wings and a large pizza’ crazy… maybe a reasonable meal on top of my one reasonable meal. Maybe I have to break up the monotony of the chicken and salad (which I really and truly do enjoy) with more fish, or even beef. Maybe it is a bag of chips. I don’t know what a cheat day should look like, I only know that I am going to give a lot more thought to how it should look, and how often I should take them.

    This morning, on top of my meal replacement shake, I finished the challah roll. It was very good, and I do not think it was the worst cheat in the world. As long as I do not snack the rest of the day, I do not think I will be punished for it. Starches and carbohydrates are fuel, so what I need to do is to burn them off throughout the day. I’ll do that.

    This afternoon I am taking Her Floofness to Ryan’s for a few hours. I am looking forward to seeing my buddy, and only hope that his sister’s classless boyfriend is not there. I hate that I was either seeing my friend or not based on whether or not that guy would be there. I am done avoiding him. I can easily sit in a room and ignore his racist moronic crap… even if it is aimed at me. I will do my best to not be goaded into a fight… either verbal (which I would certainly win) or otherwise. How often have I advised people to never enter into a battle of wits with the unarmed. I have to follow my own advice. It is not always so simple.

    We are not going to leave for Cambridge until after lunch. I will make my meal and will hit the road on a full stomach. Otherwise, I would be tempted to stop along the way to pick up a handful of peanuts, or I would snack at Ryan’s place. Going on a full stomach is the smarter play, and one that I have not played a lot. The last few times I have driven out there, I have planned to eat when I got home. That is just a bad idea, considering how peckish one can get when breaking their meal plan.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 229

    Happy Labour Day to all! It is ironic that on the Canadian civil holiday in August, I was teaching for an American company, so I did not get the day off. Today is an international holiday, but I am not on a contract so my day is no different than any other day, other than that the stores are closed, and I cannot go shopping… which is a good thing, I suppose.

    Yesterday in the late afternoon I had a panic/stress/anxiety episode. I wanted to cheat. I texted my wife that my defenses were failing me, and that I wanted to go out to eat, splurge, and indulge. Within minutes, my phone rang, and she talked me down from it. Actually, she reminded me that I had homemade baba ghanoush in the fridge, as well as a container of cherry tomatoes. I sat talking with her as I dipped my tomatoes into the eggplant, and when the tomatoes were finished, so was my desire to jump off the weight loss wagon.

    Later in the evening, Leslie asked me how my cravings were. I told her that I intentionally smoked a second cigar in the evening to help distract me from them, and my plan must have worked because not only did I not eat as I smoked (which I seldom do), I also did not have another meal replacement. My food intake for the day consisted of my morning meal replacement shake, my regular chicken and salad for lunch, a handful of peanuts, and a small box of cherry tomatoes with baba ghanoush. All in all, a reasonably health day’s food intake for a man on a weight loss regimen.

    I should mention that it really paid off, putting a huge smile on my face when I stepped onto the scale this morning. I mentioned yesterday that I was not surprised to have gained a pound following Saturday’s intake. This morning, I had not only recovered that pound, but was an incredible 2.4-pound drop from yesterday morning, taking me into lowest-weight territory once again. I assure you that this morning I did not try to step off the scale, and then re-weigh myself hoping for a better result!

    I have not been for a fitness walk since I am back from Dallas, owing partly to the weather, but mostly to a turned ankle. I am going to give it a go today, right after lunch. The forecast calls for cloudy and a high of 20° Celsius (68° Fahrenheit), which will be comfortable enough to wear shorts, even though I wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt to take Her Floofness on her walk this morning.

    Speaking of Princess Sophie, this evening I am going to take her to my neighbour’s for a few days. Tomorrow I am going to drive to Montreal for a few days, and while I would normally drop her off in the morning, Sue is leaving for her office early tomorrow, so it is just easier for me to drop her off tonight. I am going to miss her, but I know she will be in good hands… and will get plenty of walks, and treats, and love… and lots of play time with her best friend Charlie!

    I had thought for a bit that I would not be sticking to my meal replacement program while I am in Montreal. I thought that it would be a good opportunity to cheat. I do not know what made me think that, but I will not be indulging in Montreal bagels, smoked meat, and other local delicacies while I am there. I do not even know what made me think about it, but I know that it would be a terrible idea.

    I sometimes feel like I really do have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, like you see in old movies. For a couple of days, the devil was whispering how nice it would be to have those foods that I love so much, and that I will only be in Montreal for a few days, so what’s the harm? Look how well I have been doing! Don’t I deserve it?

    On my other shoulder, the harp-playing angel is saying ‘Yes, exactly! Look how well I have been doing! Why would I want to spoil it by indulging in so many of those foods that made me fat in the first place? Don’t I deserve to feel healthy, to fit into smaller and nicer clothes, to look better? Don’t I deserve to feel better, to be healthier, and to probably live longer? What’s more, doesn’t Leslie deserve all of those things mentioned of me?

    I do not know if this is the first time ever that my better angels are shouting down the devils… and winning. I also do not know how long that will last… but I am going to do my best to always nurture those angels and muting the devils. It will not always work, but I am going to try to continue to succeed, and I can only succeed by listening to those angels.

    I realized just now that I have been all excited to get back to Taekwondo this week, and then remembered that I am going to be in Montreal from tomorrow through Sunday. I completely forgot that I need to extend my trip so that I can take care of a couple of errands. I do not relish the idea of having to visit the courthouse, but I need a document from there, and expect there will be bureaucratic delays in getting it, and so I will leave tomorrow and not Thursday or Friday. Oh well.

    I have to be cognizant of the fact that five days in Montreal would give me a lot more opportunity to cheat on my diet, and that doing so would hurt nobody but me. I have to be as good as I can be and stay as strong as possible. I recognize that I will be having a few meals with others and will be as diligent as I can be to eat well… or as well as I can. I will pack extra meal replacements, just to be safe.

    Have a great day folks!