Losing a part of me

Category: Sleep

  • Day 300

    I was thinking this morning of those funny high school yearbook entries: Goal: Be a good lawyer. Probable: Need a good lawyer. Things like that. I thought of that because I remember just a few days ago saying that I was hoping that by today (Day 300 on the weight management program) I would be under 300 lbs. Instead, for the first time since October 21, I weighed in at over 310 lbs. That is just wrong! No, there is no way that with what I have eaten this week that I should be up seven pounds. While I know that I have cheated these last few days, I have not cheated anywhere near seven pounds worth of cheat. I am frustrated, and I am pissed off.

    Yesterday would not have been too bad, but I decided to get a bag of rice cracker chips at the store. Big mistake, but it was a moment of weakness. My second cheat? I heated up a can of Chunky Soup. My throat was killing me after a long day of lecturing (and several nights of sleeping badly) and I hoped it would soothe my throat. For the record, it tasted lousy.

    Looking at this slide, there is no chance that I will drop below the 300-pound milestone by the time Leslie flies in on Friday. Hopefully that means that I will be able to celebrate hitting that milestone with her while she is here. The way I am feeling now though, if I look at a piece of bread my weight will shoot up another four pounds. Maybe if that’s the way it is, I should just fucking indulge. I should go have those Buffalo wings. I should go for Chinese food, eat a steak, whatever. Maybe I am just not meant to be slim, and I do not have the willpower to eat nothing but three fucking leaves of lettuce per day, which on days like today is what it feels like I have to eat in order to stay slim. Fuck that.

    No, I am not giving up. I am not diving into a cheat day, although I really wish I could. I am going to try to stay on track, but I am angry and pissed off and frustrated and disillusioned. If I could think of any other adjectives of feeling bad, I would likely feel those too.

    To add to my bad day, my knee (the right one) has been in serious pain these last two days. I suspect it has to do with the workouts I did with Kezi last week. I don’t know how much help the pain killers I took last night were, but this morning I added an anti-inflammatory. I am also sitting at my desk with an ice pack on it, hoping that within a day or two I can walk properly again.

    On a day with very little positivity, I can at least share one bit of good news. I slept pretty well last night. I was asleep by about 10:00pm, and while I did wake up to pee, I got back to sleep reasonably quickly. The only thing bothering me was my knee, not my psyche, which has been the case these last few evenings. Hopefully this trend will continue for the next few nights and was not a one-off due to sheer exhaustion.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 299

    There are some days when you have no choice but to cheat on your weight loss program. Yesterday was such a day. I was picking Lyle and Dorothy up from the airport and driving them home. They were coming home from Italy, and I had joked with them to bring me a pizza. I could not believe it when they did! Rather than coming home from the drive and having a meal replacement, I had a slice of cheese pizza. It was a pretty big piece, but I did not think it would do too much damage.

    I was wrong of course. Over the past four days my weight has skyrocketed. Where I was hoping to stay below 305 lbs. a few days ago, I am now relieved to be just slightly below 310 lbs. and I am extremely upset about it… doubly so knowing that I am working all week and will not get to the gym at all. I will have to redouble my efforts to stay on track with my food intake. That is actually going to be easier this week than it was last week, as I will be teaching.

    The weeks when I teach during the day are the easiest ones to stay on track with. After my morning routine (which starts earlier because I set an alarm to wake up) I am at my desk by 8:00am (7:30am on Day 1 of the class). During our morning break, I will prepare my salad, and get the chicken ready to cook. About 30 minutes before the lunch break, I will walk into the kitchen (while still lecturing) and turn on the air fryer, so that by the time it is time to break for lunch, I can enjoy my meal in a relaxed fashion. While I might enjoy some mints or lozenges during the day, there is no other opportunity to eat.

    When the class is done, I will take Her Royal Floofness for her second walk of the day – that is, unless one of the neighbours asks to visit with her, at which point it might be the third or fourth walk. I will come back in after that and have another meal replacement. The rest of the evening is mine to relax. I suspect that I will need to go shopping this evening, as I think I am going to run out of lettuce with lunch. All I have to do when I go to the supermarket is remember that I am six pounds heavier than I was Friday morning. If I do that, my eyes will not be tempted by the myriad temptations available at the store. Oh, and I should check to see if I need milk.

    To continue the pattern of the last few nights, I did not sleep well. I fell asleep just fine, but once I wake up to pee, falling back into slumber eluded me for a long while. I have too many thoughts racing around in my head, and I cannot figure out how to put them aside. Try as I might, the second half of my nights have been much less restful than the first half. This has been going on for a few nights now, and I am paying the price for it during the day. I am tired… almost constantly. Fortunately, Leslie will be here in four and a half days. I always sleep better when she is next to me. For many reasons aside from sleep, I am literally counting down the hours! It is 110 hours as of right now, for those who might be curious. I cannot wait to have her back in my arms again.

    I should write a few words about the weather. Friday it was 21° and sunny. This morning for Princess Sophie’s walk I donned my ski jacket for the first time, as the temperature was hovering around 0°. I was even thankful that my leather gloves were in the pocket, else I would have had to keep my hands in the pockets the whole time. The calendar might say that winter arrives on December 21, but every Canadian will tell you that the accompanying weather comes much earlier than that. There were snow flurries yesterday, but only a couple. It would not do for the cold and the snow to come in one jarring moment, so I was grateful that at least the skies are clear today. Partly because I am teaching, but also partly because of the predicted (and actual) cold, I put on a t-shirt this morning… under a long sleeve button-down shirt. While I did not put on my winter boots, for the first time since April I wore my Blundstones for our walk. I know the insulated boots will be needed soon, but I will wait for real weather for that. The calendar be damned, winter has arrived in the Greater Toronto Hamilton Area.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 283

    My stress has not really abated from yesterday, but I at least did get a mostly good night’s sleep. Following my morning rituals, Princess Sophie decided to extend our walk to a longer route than usual, which is not a bad thing. I would have thought that I got more than 2,000 steps in it, but that’s life. I don’t mind.

    Yesterday’s food intake was somewhat more than usual, but not terrible. I did take my son for lunch, and he did want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ordered a salad with chicken (no blue cheese, no bacon). They brought it with bacon, so I sent it back. It eventually did come, as my boy was almost ready to leave. It took us quite some time for them to bring us a box for his leftovers, during which I did eat the two small pieces of chicken and some of the lettuce. I realize they are not known for their salads, but even for a wings joint, this salad had the words half-assed all over it. Whatever.

    I dropped him off and then came home and made a proper lunch. So really, the two pieces of breaded chicken on the salad would be fairly considered a cheat. In the evening, I also ate the challah (with peanut butter, which is not strictly part of the religious obligations), and I drank the kiddush wine (less than an ounce). Still and all, I went to bed thinking that these cheats would end me, and that when I woke up, my weight would be at least a pound up. In fact, despite not being able to poop, I was down nearly one full pound… .8lbs is a good one-day loss, especially knowing that I thought I was going to be up.

    That whole ‘I had this, so I probably ruined my diet’ routine is due to the psychological damage I have suffered over the years. Some of that was self-inflicted, some external, but a lot of it was parental. I am fifty years old, and it has been thirty years since I lived with my parents. I am not going to blame my parents for anything; I am obese because of myself, and not because my mother was a terrible mother. That does not change the fact that the psychological damage I live with is real. I have to try to understand that I can lose weight without the incessant extremism of the program that I am on. Yes, that program is important to my progress, and no, I do not think it would be a good idea to drop the program now, thinking that I could just eat reasonably and always make good decisions. I know that cheating in moderation is possible and acceptable. I also know that, without placing any blame or pointing any fingers, I developed and continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. If I am not careful, I will make bad choices. I might go a few days eating well and I might even lose a couple more pounds… but my history is clear that I will start to slide, and I will lose my footing, and will eventually fall back into old habits. No, staying on the program is, for now, the right way to go.

    Reading this last paragraph, you might ask yourself if I plan to stay on my program forever? No, that is absolutely not my intention. Right now, I am living alone. Once I am living with my wife, it will be easier. I also hope that by then I am at a more reasonable weight. With all of that said, I know that at some point I will likely need to find a therapist who can help me, because I know I am a food addict, and I will always be… but alcoholics do not need to drink anymore, and I can’t stop eating forever. I need to be able to deal with the addiction, and with the other psychological aspects of my psychosis.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 225

    I did not get nearly as good night’s sleep last night as I had been getting sleeping next to my wife. I do not think it is that the air in Dallas is somehow cleaner, I just suspect that I am more at ease sleeping with her. I suppose for the next three weeks I will have to put up with it. I did not really have trouble falling asleep, but I was up a couple of times in the night. That, before Princess Sophie decided at 6:45am that it was time for us to get out of bed.

    She did allow me to complete my bathroom rituals in peace, although I was… unproductive. Yes, it is an unpleasant topic, but when discussing weight management, bowel movements are occasionally something we have to mention. I will not write off the poopless morning to travel, nor to food – I ate yesterday. I just could not. Maybe later today, and if not, then there is always tomorrow.

    Speaking of travel and food, let’s review what I ate yesterday. The morning started with a meal replacement shake. At the airport, knowing that they would not be selling food on my flight, I bought a (small) can of Pringles, which I did end up supplementing with two bags of airplane pretzels. When I arrived home (later than anticipated, due to delays on the airplane, followed by my son forgetting to collect me, so I needed to wait for a taxi), I almost immediately went to the supermarket, where I picked up my salad fixings, chicken to prepare for dinner, and milk for my coffee. I also found (to my delight) that they had Salt and Vinegar Goldfish crackers, which have been missing from the store shelves (with no explanation) for eight or nine months. I like them, Leslie loves them. I bought five bags of them.

    I prepared my chicken and salad for dinner (while I will be back to my regular timing today, yesterday’s meal was the same old), and then decided to splurge. I opened one of the bags of Goldfish and ate a couple of handfuls. I will, over the next week or so, likely finish that pack… I will not be opening any of the others, which are all going to Texas with me for my beloved. I sat outside with a cigar, and as I prepared for bed, I had one last meal replacement shake to curb my hunger.

    With the cheating I did yesterday, I was expecting that my weight would be at least slightly up this morning. Not so, I was actually down 2/10ths of a pound. I do not know if I was truly excited, but I was certainly relieved that after traveling and with my cheating that I did not gain weight.

    Today is the first day of September, and while autumn does not start until the 21st, I have always seen the 1st of September as a boundary. We have crossed over from the completely summer month of August into the soon-to-be-fall month of September. As a kid, school would start around now. The weather traditionally starts to turn now… or at least, that is what it always felt like. I checked the weather before dressing to take Her Floofness for her walk, and was surprised to see that it was sunny and 55° Fahrenheit (12.5° Celsius), meaning I not only had to wear long pants (which I was wearing during the day when I was teaching, but I have not worn otherwise in weeks), I would also have to wear some sort of upper ware to reinforce my golf shirt.

    I thought about a hoodie, but opted to go into my front closet instead, where without thinking I pulled my Taekwondo vest, pulling it on and zipping it up. As we hit the trail, it occurred to me that the last time I tried the vest on (Day 96) was when Leslie resewed the patch on for me, and it did not come close to fitting me. There was easily over an inch between the zipper sides. While it is a little tight, it zips up without any issues. This is a huge non-scale victory for me!

    Speaking of that, I renewed my membership to Taekwondo Ontario today for another year. I also reached out to Taekwondo Canada to find out where I can purchase gear, including new patches. I do not think I want to replace my current patch, only because it has the old name of the organization on it (World Taekwondo Federation has been renamed World Taekwondo – WTF has become WT), and I like having WTF on my uniforms and vest.

    I was thinking about sizes as Her Floofness and I walked. I remember more than twenty years ago I starred in an amateur play, and the man in charge of wardrobes made a comment to the effect that ‘fat men do not wear their pants right – you wear it all the way under your belly, when normal people wear them around their navel.’ Judgmental much? Anyhow, the thought was that because I do indeed wear my pants under my belly, which means that I am wearing a Size 40, despite having a waist that is about 56” around the belly. I am thrilled, by the way, to see that I have lost about 7” in the belly… but because I do not wear my pants there, I do not actually know (until I pull out the tape measure) how much I have lost there. It is only when I try on clothes that did not previously fit me that I can really see the difference… and when I do, I am very happy with it.

    It is turning into a beautiful day. My friend Eduardo is coming over in the afternoon, both for me to look at his computer, and to have a cigar. It will be good to see him again, especially since I know he has been going through a lot and needs a friend. Also, while I would rather not be working on his computer, I would rather do it here than at his house… my allergies have been kicking my butt today, and I do not want to add his cat’s dander to the pollen.

    Have a great day folks! I am going to try to take a nap.

  • Day 219

    I suspect it is the high sodium content of the Lebanese food that we enjoyed last night that accounted for the this morning’s 2.2lbs weight gain. Yes, I cheated during the day. I had three handfuls of peanuts over the course of the day, plus one serving of dried mango. Yes, I had a salad at lunch, in addition to the meal replacement bar that I had. The Lebanese food, on the other hand, was excessive. It was not only a large meal, consisting of proteins and carbs and salads and stuff, not to mention the half piece of pita I enjoyed with way too much hummus. It was extremely tasty; it was also extremely salty. It is the reason I gained weight from yesterday to today.

    I will mention at this juncture that I have a very set morning routine, toward the end of which I weigh myself. That is the only time that I weigh myself during the day. This morning there was an anomaly – not in my morning routine, but in how my morning went after the routine. Part of my morning routine is a bowel movement, which is almost always regular, and with very rare exceptions is my only bowel movement of the day. This morning, about an hour into my class (while they were doing a test) I had a second significant movement, which may well have changed things somewhat.

    While I am going to stick to my weight loss program as well as I can while in Dallas, I know that there are going to be aberrations. I know that I will take Leslie out for a couple of good meals, and while I can order smartly for those meals, I cannot completely control what a restaurant puts into their food. I would like to cook every meal for Leslie, but that is not going to happen for several reasons. I simply have to remember that for every cheat, I have to be extra good the rest of the time. That means no more peanuts, no more snacking. That means that outside of meals, my meal replacements are my friends.

    Speaking of meal replacements, that was something that threw me off yesterday. I spoke of the difference between the Canadian meal replacements (225 calories) and the American meal replacements (160 calories). If I was on the full Canadian program, I would be consuming four shakes per day (and nothing else) for a total of 900 calories. On the full American program, I would be consuming five meal replacements per day (and nothing else) for a total of 800 calories. One of the reasons I snacked like I did yesterday is that I forgot of the caloric deficit; I did not think to modify my schedule so that I would not be hungry… and I was. This morning (as yesterday) I had my first meal replacement at 8:00am. On a teaching day in Canada, I would be having it at 8:30am, after walking Princess Sophie. The 225 calories would get me through to my lunch hour (12:30pm) without fail. The 160 calories here did not do so well; I will plan today to have a meal replacement around 11:30am, and not think that I am failing or cheating. It was that feeling yesterday that actually led me to cheating and failure.

    I did not exercise yesterday, and will not today. The schedule just does not allow me to do everything I would like to do, and while I can exercise to my heart’s content in Canada, here I want to spend time with my wife. She and I might go for a walk together tomorrow, which would be lovely. I will happily adjust my pace for her! She told me yesterday that next month her company is doing a charity walk, and this could help her to prepare for it. As luck would have it, the distance of the charity walk is exactly the distance of one of my routes here, so it works out perfectly.

    I told Leslie this morning that I am sleeping much better next to her than I do at home, which was to be expected. I also told her that one of the reasons I am impatient to lose a lot more weight is because I suspect that I will be less tired throughout the day (and especially at night) than I am as I carry around all of this excess fat. I know I have a lot more energy now than I did eight months ago… imagine how much more energy I will have when I have lost another seventy-five pounds!?

    My new water bottle arrived yesterday, and it is gorgeous. It does not fit into my shoulder sling, so I am ordering another one, which should arrive by tomorrow. I do not know if it will be here in time for us to go on our walk, but that’s life.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 211

    My weight loss program is extremely important to me, and my routine is fairly important to my progress. With that said, sleep is even more important; without sleep, I do not have the energy to get through the day. I have not been getting nearly enough sleep this past week, and I needed to figure out a way to end that streak. I decided, for one day only, to have a second meal. Yesterday evening I prepared a second meal identical to my first – chicken and salad – and enjoyed it around 6:30pm. I did this in place of the two evening meal replacements, so while I certainly consumed more calories than I would normally, it was not obscenely so. I then spent the evening on the balcony with a cigar, watching television and then talking with my wife.

    Is the extra meal the reason I slept well last night? I do not know. I could have happily stayed in bed another couple of hours, which was obviously not an option. That’s okay… and I am hoping that this evening I will be able to catch up on even more sleep… hopefully after a Taekwondo class.

    My weight was down nearly a full pound this morning, but is still a full 1.5-pounds higher than my low from Tuesday. These corrections are annoying and often disheartening, and I have to remember that it is the downward trend that is important, and frankly the weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. The bathroom scale, which I have known to be notoriously inaccurate, is a bellwether, not expected to be scientifically accurate.

    The forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain at some point today, but if I am going to Taekwondo and not for a walk, that will not be an issue for me. It will affect Princess Sophie, who has never been a big fan of precipitation… she might just step out for a few minutes to pee, rather than taking her full walk.

    I am wearing a golf shirt from the Size-XL bin today, on top of a pair of pants from the Size-40 bin. It feels good to be able to feel my progress with such victories!

    I realized last night that I would be running out of milk, but I did nothing about it. This morning’s first cup of coffee had dairy, but that will be it. I have to remember to pick up a litre this afternoon… and to not get the larger container, as I am going out of town Wednesday for a week.

    I have reached out to my diet buddy to confirm that we are still meeting this afternoon. We are supposed to meet every Thursday, but life often gets in the way. I love having Leslie’s full support, but I hope that Julie and I can touch base today to see how we are both doing.

    With regard to my meal replacements, I realized this week that I was running low, which is to say that I have 36 shakes left. To put that in perspective, at the peak I had twelve boxes, or 168 shakes. I thought briefly about going onto Facebook to buy more, and then decided against it… for now. I have a large case of shakes (84 servings) and a small case of apple cinnamon bars (42 servings) waiting for me in Dallas, and while they are the American formula (which means I have to adjust my schedule to compensate for the caloric differences), there is no reason I cannot bring some of them back to Canada with me… and I will only be back in Canada for three weeks before my next trip, so I only need bring enough to get me through that. Assuming with the American formula I plan for four meal replacements per day, that is 84 meal replacements that I need to bring back. No problem, and unlike here (where I have to buy them on the grey market), I can always order more in the US off eBay.

    Okay, so my diet buddy and I touched base during my break. She is not having a very easy time of it, and I gave her some tips… including the importance of telling people ‘I CANNOT EAT THAT (or THERE)’ instead of just going along, either to please them or because you are embarrassed to say that you are on a diet. It is embarrassing too, because it is vocalizing that you are fat. Also, if you tell someone you are on a diet, you always have to be on a diet with them, lest you slip and they think you are weak. All of those issues are psychological and deeply embedded into us, and we have to let go of them. Yes, it may hurt… but eating a poutine will hurt more.

    It is nearly time for me to get back into class, so have a great day folks!

  • Day 210

    It is days like today when I want to yell obscenities at my bathroom scale. While I was hoping for a slight drop from yesterday, I was horrified to see a 2.2 lbs increase. I cannot imagine that the five slices of dried mango and the handful of pumpkin seeds accounted for that; no, it is the universe getting back at me for not exercising yesterday. Just like that, my hopes of possibly getting down to 315 lbs in time for my trip to Dallas have been replaced with just hoping that I can get back down to 320 lbs. As has been said by many a cartoon character, &%^$@!!

    I felt guilty yesterday for being too tired to exercise. I neither went to Taekwondo as planned nor went for a walk. Over the course of a number of walks with Princess Sophie, plus a trip to the supermarket (and liquor store), I managed to surpass 5,000 steps… but that is not my goal. I would like to at least try for 10,000 steps per day, which will not always be possible, but is worth aiming for. I know, I had blisters on my feet from the previous day’s painful walk, but that is not an excuse. Maybe it is… but I still feel guilty, and that guilt is compounded by the number on the scale.

    The nature of my job is a sedentary one, and so it is incumbent on me to get out after work. Even if I am not going to suit up for a fitness walk, I should be going out beyond the fifteen minutes of walking Her Floofness twice per day. When weather is a factor there is room for compromise, but on a warm and dry day I should be walking… fitness walking or not.

    The problem is that I have been exhausted these last few days. I have not gotten a good night sleep in over a week, and I do not know why that is. I have been able to empty my mind of the stresses and anxieties of the day (and while there are some real ones, none of them have been keeping me up… at least, not this week), I just cannot keep my eyes closed. If this continues, I am going to try to pick up some sort of natural sleep aid… melatonin or something. I am not ready to go for narcotics just yet… but if there is a natural remedy that I can try, I am going to try it.

    My day is going well so far, even though I got out of bed late. Coffee is helping me through, and my classes are fun today – I love when there is a lot of hands-on labs that we can go through… not only because it is less lecturing, but because I feel the students learn more.

    Leslie gave me some really good news this morning, so I am happy. Seeing her happy makes me happy. Also, one week from today I will be waking up in Burlington, Ontario… and then going to sleep with her in my arms in Dallas. Yay!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 208

    This morning the I gave back .4-lbs on the scale, likely due to the popcorn I ate at the movies yesterday. It was not even worth it… but I will be back on track today. I have chicken and salad for lunch, and I will go for a walk this afternoon. While there is no way I will match my record-setting pace from yesterday, I do not need to… all I need to do is work hard and get a good sweat going. It is a misconception that I have to beat yesterday’s stats every time I go out… I just have to keep going out, and that is what will help me to lose the weight and get back into shape.

    It is Monday morning, the start of a new week. I weigh 3.2 pounds less than I did last Monday, and by any measure that is a successful week of weight loss. If I can do that again this week, then when I get to Dallas, I will not weigh 315 lbs… but I will be under 320 lbs, which will not be a failure. It will also mean that since I was last with my wife, I will have lost about 20 lbs. I know that she will feel the difference when she puts her arms around me! As I have said many times before: I am not losing the weight primarily for her… but she is certainly a consideration, and the only other beneficiary (aside from myself) of the positive changes resulting from the weight loss!

    I did not sleep very well last night. For reasons I could not put together, Princess Sophie decided to not sleep in my bed, which is mostly good. I did have a lot on my mind though, and it kept me up longer than I would have liked. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better.

    One of my student’s father owns a cigar company in Dallas, and a couple of weeks ago he sent me a care package. The plan is that I will smoke them before getting to Dallas, and then he and I will sit down and discuss them for an article I will write for one of my other blogs. According to the tracking, the package arrived in Canada a week ago, and has been sitting with Canada Customs since. Late last night the tracking changed, and they are now back en route to me. While this is a positive, I am always worried that when someone ships cigars to me they will come with a large bill from Canada Customs. If that happens, I have to decide whether to accept them (and pay the bill) or refuse them. As I am hoping he only sent a couple of cigars, I cannot image the bill for these will be too large, but the uncertainty has been the cause of some stress, in addition to everything else going on in my life.

    The forecast for today (and through Thursday) is partly cloudy but dry, with high temperatures in the mid-20s, which will not only make my wife jealous, it will also make for excellent weather to walk in. I am hoping that tomorrow and Thursday evening I will go to Taekwondo, but tonight, Wednesday, and Friday I will be walking. While it might not yet be a habit, I want to keep my walking routine going. Also, while I have been doing pretty well these last few weeks (I have lost 19.6 pounds in the last five weeks), it is only normal for me to want to make one final push to lose even more weight leading up to my trip to Dallas. Walking (and Taekwondo), in addition to sticking to my healthy eating, will be a good way to make that final push.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 206

    I was expecting the numbers on the scale to be higher this morning, owing to two factors. First, yesterday’s 2.6-pound drop was one of those great ones that is usually too good to be true, and dials itself back the following day. Additionally, I treated myself with a gorgeous (if too large) steak yesterday for lunch, and I expected the consequences to be a slight weight gain. In fact, while there was no drop, there was also no weight gain. This could be because I pushed myself on a 10-kilometre walk, which compensated for (and burned calories from) the steak. Whatever the reason, I am happy with it.

    I have two bags of clothes waiting to go today. The first is clothes I am going to take to drop in a donation bin. The second is clothes I am taking to the tailor to have her alter because of the weight loss. I have worn the vest and the sports jacket a few times, but of the three shirts I had custom made, one of them has never even been unfolded. I suspect that there will be little she can do about the shirts, but the jacket and pants should be adjustable. I hope to have them back in time to take to Dallas with me, so that if I take my wife out for a nice evening, I can dress up for her.

    There are several side effects to being fat and fifty years old. There are even more to being an active fat and fifty. One of these is that the morning after I walk, my ankle causes me problems. Once I am walking (even just walking the doggo) it is fine, but as I am puttering around the house to get ready, and then walking to the elevator, my ankle is bothering me, and feels like it is going to give out. It never does, and once I get moving it seems fine. The joys of age and weight… my body does things that remind me constantly that I am neither young nor slim, and that it has been many years since I have been consistently active.

    I could have slept more last night, but sometimes our bodies or minds do not cooperate with that. I seem to have no problem getting back to sleep after getting up to pee at 6:15am, but if I get up to pee after 6:30am, I am done for the night. I do not think it is substantially lighter in my room, but there is something about that 6:30am threshold that seems to be a barrier to my returning to sleep… unless I am zonked, at which point it is possible. This morning was not such a morning, and so I was up and hitting my bathroom routine at 6:40, and by 7:30 I was out with Princess Sophie. Of course, that gives me the entire day to be productive. I remember the old saying ‘Early to bed, early to rise…’ The early bird might get the worm, but I am not a big fan of worms and would just as soon have gotten another hour of sleep.

    Plans for today: I will be going to the tailor of course. I hope she is able to help. After that, I am driving to Hamilton to spend a couple of hours with Lyle, whose wife is visiting with her father today. It is always good to sit with friends and enjoy a cigar. Because of that, I will adjust my eating schedule somewhat, and will have my meal in the later afternoon, rather than at noon. Afterwards, I hope to go for another fitness walk. It will likely not be as long as yesterday’s, but getting out is what is important, and not beating my previous score.

    I had a realization about habits yesterday which I am going to write about in a separate entry, but suffice it to say that I have not yet gotten into the habit of walking on a regular basis… at least, not to the point where it is automatic. I really need to get there. Until I do, I will continue to remind myself how important it is that I keep walking for my continued improvement, both in weight loss and overall health.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 190

    While my weight was down this morning, it was only a slight drop, and nothing to counteract the huge jump from yesterday. Nonetheless, I am going to keep on track. I still weighed in above 330-pounds, which is a huge psychological bump for me. I hope that by the weekend I have gotten back below that milestone, which I had thought was behind me.

    When I finished my class last night, I realized I was exhausted. I love teaching, but it does take a lot out of me… especially when I have not been sleeping well, as has been the case. Nonetheless, and despite predictions of rain, I embarked upon a fitness walk. Because I selected footwear that would have been appropriate for the rain, I was not going to be setting any records. The fact that I got out there at all was a victory. That I walked 8km was really huge. Yes, that distance has become my base distance, and I am going to try to do that every day; that does not change the fact that three minutes before I went out, I was trying to decide between walking and going to sleep.

    In the end, it did not rain… although when I took Princess Sophie for her walk this morning it started to rain, and from what I see out the window the rain has not stopped. The forecast predicts rain all day, although that prediction is then clarified as a 20% chance of rain most of the day. Sometimes I think that meteorologists were put on this planet to make psychics look credible.

    • Distance: 8.05 km (10 km)
    • Duration: 1:27:37 (1:41:26 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:49 (10:08)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 10m35s
    • Steps: 10.3k (12.4k)
    • Calories burned: 466 (582)
    • Elevation gain: 36m (39.6m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 118 (122)

    I had a great talk with Leslie last night. I really miss her, and know that when I am with her, I am not only happier, I sleep better. We discussed my fitness walking and weight management program. I told her that while she is not the only reason I am losing weight and getting into shape, she is certainly one of them. Among the other reasons are that I would like to look good, and that when I weigh less and am in better shape, I feel better. She reminded me that she loves me for me, and has been attracted to me all along… but she appreciates that I am dedicated to losing weight for myself and for us.

    After a great deal of frustration and aggravation, I was able to book my next trip to see her. The American Airlines website does not seem to like the fact that my credit card is American, even though I am Canadian. There is an option to change countries for the credit card, and when you select it, you are kicked back to the main menu. When you call, they offer to call you back… sometime between two and six hours from now, which when it is already 10pm does not bode well. Leslie was able to log on and do it from her end, and so the day after my classes are done, I am flying off to see her. Yay!

    Today is another fish day. The last ten days I have been buying fresh chicken and fish from the supermarket, forgetting that I had a large bag of Norwegian salmon from Costco. I enjoyed it yesterday, and will do the same for today. Yesterday I had to make myself a second salad with lunch, possibly because the salmon is fewer calories than the chicken. I’m not sure, but I think it was better to have more salad than a cookie.

    I start teaching in fifteen minutes, and I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. Yes, I am that tired. I have not been sleeping well, but I still feel better working and exercising than I would sitting around lazily. I will go through my pot of coffee this morning, and I will make it through the day. I will go for a fitness walk this evening, even if it is raining. On that note, I found a great use for a hat that was gifted to me a couple of weeks ago! Leslie and I (as well as a number of other people I asked) are on the fence about the fashion of the hat… but it will certainly keep my head dry in the rain, and it folds into my walking satchel quite nicely!

    My trip to Dallas is booked for August 24. My goal is to lose at least fifteen pounds by then. That will require a strict regimen of no cheating on the diet, and sticking to my exercise plan. If I do that, then I should be able to get there… let’s see.

    Have a great day folks!