It is nearly midnight, and I am disappointed in myself. Today I did not drink enough water throughout the day (although I did get through 100 oz), and I had two (measured) handfuls of almonds. I am sure it won’t kill me, but I am hoping to be stronger tomorrow. NO CHEATING ON TUESDAY!
Category: Weight Management
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Temptations and Cravings
I am just back from going to pick up a haul of meal replacements (regrettably all shakes). I now have some 185 meal replacements more than I did an hour ago, which will be split between me and my diet buddy. They are irrelevant to the point of this piece.
Driving to where I was meeting the person, I passed a fast-food chicken restaurant that I have often craved. I looked at it for a very quick second and then said, ‘not today.’ I considered it a minor victory.
Here’s the problem: A few weeks ago, I picked up a meal from this very same restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, it still tastes good… but it was greasy, both the French fries and the salads were terrible, and within an hour of a reasonably sized meal I was… well, if not actually sick, then maybe sick adjacent. I was nauseous for sure. Although I had enough chicken and salads left over for another meal, I wrapped it all up and walked it to the garbage room. Within fifteen seconds of seeing the sign, I remembered this very recent event, and was glad the craving passed.
Driving home, I passed by another outlet (same chain, different store). For a brief moment, I had those same cravings. Their special recipe of herbs and spices (still not naming the restaurant) is not only tasty, but it has also been carved into my aware for so many years.
Shortly after I moved to Israel, I was living in Rishon LeZion and working in Holon. At the end of the day, I would take an Eged bus home, and it would drive right by the mall (which I believe was called Canyon Zahav, or Golden Shopping Centre). One day while driving by I noticed a sign that read (in Hebrew): NOW OPEN! <The southern fried chicken restaurant>. On many occasions I would get off the bus, pick up a bucket, and dinner was served. I would then get back on the bus for the remainder of the ride home. This was certainly inconvenient… but I loved the food so much!
I was reminded again just a few weeks ago that I do not love the food anymore… and even if I did, it certainly does not love me. So why is it that as I pass it by, I cannot help but think – even fleetingly, before my rational mind kicks in – how nice it would be to stop in for lunch.
The same goes for fast food hamburgers. I love a good burger, but between stopping at either McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Harvey’s or A&W (trying to name as many as I can so that I do not appear to be focusing on any one chain), or stopping at the grocery store and picking up some ground beef and vegetables and buns to make my own burger… the burger that I make will be far superior to all of these (not to mention healthier). Then why is it that when I see the arches or the redhead my mouth starts to water?
I suspect the answer to this question is twofold:
1. Between the billions of dollars that these chains have spent on marketing over the years, and the fact that I really like the food (or at least I once did), it is not unreasonable that when I see them my initial thought is longing, rather than disgust.
2. None of these restaurant chains came up with their menu, image, and branding in a vacuum. They hired experts – including scientists who have done studies on what colours make people hungry, and what sounds and smells make them lower their food-related inhibitions.
3. Many of the ingredients in the foods they serve actually are addictive. I’m not saying that any of them put cocaine or nicotine into their foods… but salt and sugar are addictive.
When I have reached the end of my weight loss journey, I will have to remember that it is only the beginning. I remember when I earned my first Black Belt, my Master congratulated me and told me, ‘Now you can start learning martial arts.’ The belt was not the goal; it was a small stop on what would be a lifelong journey. When I reach a weight where I am happy with myself, I will no longer be replacing food with meal replacements… but I will still be on a lifelong journey, and every day for the rest of my life I will have to weigh the consequences of everything that I put into my mouth.
They say that learning a new language is much easier if you do it as a child. I suspect that learning good nutrition is easier as a child too, and I wish I had learned it. By now it would be second nature, and not something I have to consciously think of every day.
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Meal Replacements, and ‘The Program’
I have gone out of my way to not name the program that I am following for several reasons. My blog and my journal are not meant to be an endorsement of one particular product; rather, they are intended to share with others who might be going through a similar experience, possibly on a different program, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Studies have shown that people going through a similar journey are likely to experience similar emotions and thoughts, and hopefully this journal might help someone.
With that said, the program that I am on has two variations. In Canada, you are provided with four (4) meal replacement shakes per day. Each one is 225 calories and is meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs… and no more. Nine Hundred (900) Calories per day. In the United States, you are provided with five (5) meal replacements per day, which can be either shakes, soups, or protein bars. Each one is 160 calories and is also meant to provide you with the nutritional requirements your body needs, and no more. Eight Hundred (800) Calories per day.
I have never been clear on why there is a difference, but I am sure it has to do with regulations at the FDA versus the Canadian version of the FDA. I have successfully done the program twice… once in Canada, and once in the USA. Yes, after the program was done, I fell off the wagon, but that’s not the point. Both programs can work.
In 2017 as I started the program the first time, I was nervous that the shakes-only diet would be untenable. How wrong I was! It did not take long for me to become quite happy with them, to the point that at one point during the program I spent a week on an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, and I was not tempted to break my diet once.
In 2019 as I embarked upon the program the second time, my doctor in California told me that the program had much better variety – not only were there strawberry shakes (in addition to the chocolate and vanilla that Canada had) – there were also three varieties of soups, and three variety of protein bars. I told him point-blank that I was not interested. I learned in the Army that the best way to ensure someone makes the right choice is to give him little or no choice. I had made it through twelve weeks of the program on only chocolate shakes once, and I was going to try to do the same again.
It was only when the doctor’s office did not have any of the chocolate shakes in stock that I had to branch out and try the other products. I was glad that I did. It was easy to create a regimen where I had a shake for breakfast, a soup for lunch, a bar for the afternoon and evening snacks, and a soup for dinner. That routine worked very well for me.
I stopped the program at a certain point, but I still had several cases of the meal replacements left. When I relocated back to Canada, they came with me. They sat on a shelf in the pantry for several months, but they were here. When I decided to start the program again (Thanks Julie!) I did not have to go looking for them, I knew exactly where they were. I had about a three-week supply… still on the American (800 calories) program. I have bars and soups… and yes, I have shakes too.
In two weeks, I will be out of the American product, and I will be forced to resume using the Canadian product. I am not at all concerned with the jump from 800 to 900 calories. I suspect that it will be a very long time before my body stops losing weight consuming under 1500 calories per day… let alone 900. What concerns me is that I grew used to the variety of the meal replacements, knowing that if I was tempted by someone eating a chocolate bar that I too could grab a chocolate bar… even though it was not the same sugary snack as his, it was still good enough, within the confines of the program.
It is funny that I am having the exact opposite fear now as I did in 2019. Back then, I was afraid that if I did not stick to the shakes, I would succumb to the temptation. Today I am afraid that if I am limited to only having the shakes, I might succumb to the temptation.
How things change!
This afternoon, Julie and I are meeting with a woman who purchased all of her shakes and then decided this program is not for her, and so she is selling them. We are buying for sure. I just wish she was selling the bars and even the soups as well. No such luck.
I might end up ordering some of the bars from the USA. My girlfriend lives in Dallas, and she has offered to let me ship them to her, and then she can send them to me. I am seriously considering it. Maybe not the soups, maybe just a case of the protein bars. The size of the case of six boxes of the soups is much larger, heavier, and more expensive to ship than the bars. I don’t know… I’ll decide today.
I might just give it a go, two weeks from now, without the bars or soups, and see how well I manage.
I will say this… if I feel that I am going to falter, I am going to find a way to get those bars and/or those soups, despite the fact that the American prices seem to be much higher than the Canadian ones. I think my success on the program is worth the cost.
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Day 7
If I get through the day, I will have made it through a full week. I am excited, elated, but most of all I am relieved. I know that the hardest part is actually getting started. To quote from my previous weight loss journal: “My diet is becoming more of a habit than a chore.” Okay, that is paraphrasing… but as the original author I hereby grant myself that permission and license.
The problem between then and now is that the numbers on the scale are not dropping like I did last time. On Day 7 in 2019 I wrote that I had lost 16.8lbs thus far. As I cannot rely on the accuracy of my bathroom scale at my present weight, it is possible that I am on the same pace… but if I were to trust the numbers as they have recorded, I am well under that. Even with my guesstimate being where it is, I am down under 13lbs this morning. While that is a respectable (if not amazing) first week loss, I cannot help but long for the bigger surge lost last time.
I am feeing better than I did a week ago. Both sitting at my desk, and when I was out walking my dog, I feel somewhat more comfortable in myself. That might all be in my head, and it could be that my knee is getting better… or it could be that I am suddenly walking about with 10lbs less of a load, and by any measure that is significant.
I got through my class last night on three lozenges, spread throughout the five hours. I made a couple of timing mistakes, but they worked out well, and I ended up giving the class two 15-minute breaks on top of their 30-minute dinner break instead of one. The problem was that at the end of the last break I started the lecture, and ten minutes later I realized I had not had my last meal replacement… and I was hungry and sluggish. Rather than trying to soldier through (which would have meant eating that last meal replacement at 11:45pm), I told the class I needed a quick bio-break, and I snuck off camera to eat the last bar. My water intake for the day was good too…
Midway through the afternoon, I realized that I was hungry. It was literally just ninety minutes after my lunch shake. I actually sat down and wrote a blog article about it (Hunger), and how I decided to not cheat, rather I went outside, braved the cold, and smoked a cigar. Even under the heater I had to bundle myself up and keep my gloves on, but the cigar accomplished its goal… I forgot my hunger and resumed my meal replacement schedule on track. I will consider that a big win for Day 6.
My diet buddy told me this morning that she is not doing as well. She had a bad day yesterday, but has not elaborated on it, other to say that her head is not in it. She is a teacher and will not be available to talk until the end of the day, but I am going to try to get her on the phone and see what I can do to support and encourage her.
I posted just yesterday that my first goal is to comfortably wear a pair of pants that don’t fit. I am going to try them on today. If I have lost 15lbs then they I should at least be able to close the buckle, if not actually wear them comfortably. We’ll see. I suppose I should make it a priority to go through all of the clothes that I have and sort them by size, so that as I do start to shrink, I can simply grab the next bin, rather than constantly having to rummage through things. I might do that today.
No rest for the wicked… time for me to actually start being productive! Have a great day everyone!
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Hunger
It is 2:30pm on Day 6, and I am hungry. I had my first meal replacement around 9:30am and then my second at 1:00pm, which means I am not due for my next one until 4:30pm… but I am hungry. Crap.
I am not sitting around bored today. I have work to do, and I am also making notes for my class this evening. This would be worse if I was bored. What should I do?
Since I have not taken a real lunch hour today, I am going to see how windy it is outside. If it is not too bad, I might have a cigar. The temperature (on my phone) is reading -6°C with a windchill of -12°C, but as I discussed in an earlier article, those are the measurements down by the water. If it is not too uncomfortable, I think I’ll bundle myself up, make a hot cup of coffee, and sit outside with a cigar.
I could easily add another protein bar. If I cannot take my mind off of my hunger then I might do that. What I am hoping to do though is to make eating my last resort, rather than my go-to solution to make things better.
I’m still drinking a lot of water, but I do not think that I have had nearly as much today as I have the last couple of days. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons for my hunger. Before I go outside I’m going to take a big glass full and see if that helps at all. Of course, before I go outside I will also relieve myself, so that I don’t have to do so fifteen minutes into my cigar.
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Day 6
While I did not really have trouble on the program yesterday, I did have to veer slightly. I am teaching classes in the evenings, which has me lecturing five hours straight. By 9:00pm my voice was faltering (a sign of either exhaustion or coming illness). I have a package of lozenges that got me through the evening, even though I know that they are heavy with sugar. I did not look it up last night, but today I see that they have 3g of carbohydrates, with 2g of sugar… each. I do not remember if I had three or four drops, but that means either 6-8g of sugar. I did not have a choice, and it is a very small price to pay for being able to speak. I will not consider it a cheat and will have them ready for this evening.
My new water bottle arrived, and it is indeed much more comfortable. For one thing it is lighter – the insulation of the old one had it weighing in at over 2lbs. It was also thicker. My new bottle can be easily gripped in one hand. Additionally, as it is not insulated, there are no issues with filling it up in the evening and letting it chill overnight.
Reading through my previous journal, aside from being stressed at work, I sound pretty positive. I had lost nearly fifteen pounds through the first six days and was excited that I was going to be able to succeed. How right I was… it is the long-term maintenance that I have to work on. It also mentioned that my attitude and mood seemed to be better, which means that the ketosis set in. That is the process by which your body starts to burn its own fat for energy, rather than the sugar (and other starches and carbs) that we eat. I will say this… if my body is going to burn its own fat, there is certainly a lot of fuel for it! Burn baby, burn!
Today is Robert Burn’s Day. It celebrates the life and poetry of one of the great Scottish poets. My buddy Lyle, a master chef, just told me that were it not for my diet he would have invited me over for the feast. I admit that while I am not crazy for haggis, it would have been great to see him and his wife. I am sure we will have opportunity over the weekend.
Speaking of the weekend. I am not going anywhere this weekend, but I have been giving some thought to taking a drive to Montreal next weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of my friends, and I would love to get away for a bit.
The numbers on the scale this morning were only very slightly down from yesterday. One thing that I will have to account for with the scale, believe it or not, is the quality (and stability) of the floor under which my bathroom scale sits. I remember this was an issue in my apartment in California, and I had to make sure the scale is on the most solid floor possible. This is not only because of my weight (although I suspect that if I weighed less, it would be less of an issue). When I moved in, one of the issues my landlord discussed with me was several areas of the floor that are not completely level/balanced/even. As such, I realized yesterday that I have to move the scale before I weigh myself. While I suspect my weigh-ins from yesterday and today are more accurate, I suspect that my original weigh-in, as well as the next few days, were more inaccurate than I thought.
First goal:
In October I bought two pair of pants which did not fit me by mid-December. I am hoping that by next week I will be able to wear them again.
I am in Facebook Jail for the day, which means that I will be less distracted than I might be. I am going to study for an exam – I want to sit the exam for the class that I am teaching, not to validate that I know it, but to be able to guide my students as to what to expect. Maybe I should ‘violate community standards’ (spoiler alert: I didn’t) more often!
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Day 5
I am more than halfway through the first week of my diet. Woohoo!
Yesterday was a pretty good day, owing partly to the fact that I was able to smoke cigars (which I had not expected). I was also really pleased that my friend came over, as it is nice to spend time with him. When I went on the program the first time around, he was one of very few people who knew about it and knew most of the details. He was supportive then, and I am sure he will be supportive once again.
I got to the end of the day, and I was a bit hungry, and could have done with another protein bar. I decided against it, making it the fourth day in a row that I was able to make it to the end without cheating. I feel quite accomplished for it, as I know how hard it is… and that I had only given myself about a 30% chance of making it through one week. Knowing that I am now more than halfway through the first week feels good.
My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she faltered. I talked her through it and told her that the next time she feels week and tempted she should call me. She promised that she will. Unfortunately, as I was told at the bariatric clinic where I first went through the program, the statistics of people sticking to the program, and then keeping the weight off long-term, are not good. If both of us succeed that will mean that in our very small sampling, we have a 100% success rate. I hope we do both succeed… but I know that I am planning on it!
Let’s review yesterday: I essentially worked all day, save for the 90 minutes Eduardo was here. My work project ended on a positive and successful note, which was certainly not a certainty. I was able to stick to my diet, and I drank in excess of 200oz of water. I definitely wore a path from my desk to the restroom.
After two discouraging days, the scale this morning was finally down from yesterday… significantly. There are reasons (which I have mentioned) that we are discouraged from weighing ourselves daily. I am relieved that I was able to stay the course so that this morning the numbers would be positive.
Numbers on the scale aside, I will not really consider myself to be making serious progress on the program until I feel more comfortable in my fat clothes. There is no reason that my belly should be hanging out of a 3XL shirt; when that’s over then I’ll start to smile about my progress.
My Day 5 entry from 2019 shows that I was stressed at work, and that my ankle was bothering me in a Taekwondo class. I also spent a lot of time discussing how embarrassed I was that my belly was hanging out of a shirt. I suppose that correlation is pretty clear!
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The First Cigars
Of course, these were not my first cigars… but when my friend came over, we decided to brave the cold, and we were pleasantly surprised.
I was worried that I would not be able to smoke cigars for a few weeks because of the cold and the wind, but as I suspected this morning it turns out that my local weather reporting is from the lake, and sitting outside for 90 minutes (while bundled up and with the heater on high) was quite comfortable.
This is a real relief. It is not that I am addicted and needed the tobacco. I always enjoy cigars, but when the smoking experience is unpleasant, I simply don’t smoke. Unlike cigarettes, cigars are not addictive. My concern, as I stated earlier, is that while dieting – and especially in the first week or two of my diet – smoking a cigar is a good distraction to take me away from eating. It is now coming up to 4:30pm, and I have only had two meal-replacements today. I will have my next one as soon as I finish this entry, leaving me either three hours and three hours between this and the next and the last (which will take me to 10:30pm), or even 3.5 hours and 3.5 hours (which will take me to 11:30pm). While this might sound late to eat, I mentioned that I am working, and I might not be finished until 2-3am. We will see how things progress.
My water intake has been good – I am nearly finished my second water bottle of the day, and I also downed another (smaller) bottle. To now, I am about 140oz of water into the day, which would be a fine daily consumption were I to stop now. I will not, of course, and will likely be closer to (if not over) 200oz on the day.
If I did not have to monitor the progress of my server migration for work every 15 minutes, today would have been a very relaxing day!
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Cigars and Timing
If you are a regular reader of either of my other blogs, or a friend (either Facebook or otherwise) you know that I am a cigar smoker. When I went through the program in California a couple of years ago, I found that smoking cigars was a good way to not be tempted by food. After all, a cigar might last from 40-90 minutes, and I never eat while smoking. It would satisfy the ‘oral urge’ that is the reason we sometimes snack, and it is a good way to pass the time.
Speaking with my (then) doctor, he told me that of course he would not endorse any form of smoking. I told him that I often smoke them as a substitution for eating, and he said that it was not an entirely terrible idea, as at the time obesity was the greater health risk.
On Day 0 (Wednesday) I sat outside on the balcony with a friend and smoked a cigar. The temperature was about 3° Celsius, and with the heater going it was very nice.
The following day, the (high) temperature dropped to -8°. Saturday was a bit warmer, but way too windy to be enjoyable.
All this to say that I am on Day 4 of the program, and I have not been able to enjoy a cigar since I started. That is just bad timing. It is during the first week that I need the distraction most, and not being able to have it means I am going to spend more time thinking about food, which is what I do not want to do.
As the clock approaches noon on Sunday, the Environment Canada web site says that the temperature is -6°C, but with the windchill it feels like -12°C. That is not comfortable smoking weather. With that said, those readings are measured at the lift bridge, which is right on the shore of Lake Ontario (and of Burlington Bay), where I suspect it is not only windier, but cooler than here… even though it is only 9km from here. As such, I have spoken with a friend who is planning to come over for a cigar in a couple of hours. We reasoned that if it is too cold for a cigar, then we can still chat inside.
If there is one reason why the program was probably easier for me to succeed with living in Southern California than it is in Canada, it is that. In another few weeks the temperatures will be on an upswing, and it will not be hard for me to sit outside with a good cigar. For now, I know that the temperatures over the next ten days or so are not going to be terribly conducive to my hobby, but if the wind is not too bad then I should be okay. In the meantime, if I am ever stupid enough to go on such an extreme weight loss program while living in Canada in the future… I’ll try to plan it to start in April and take me through the summer, when the smoking will be more comfortable.
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Day 4–Sunday, January 23, 2022
I am not going to add the date to the title every day… maybe once or twice per week. When I went through the program on my own last time, I did not actually mark the starting date, and it became a bit weird trying to calculate… especially when I had not recorded in my journal for weeks or months.
Reading back on my Day 4 last time around showed little but impatience. I was glad that the numbers on the scale were down, and sad that my clothes were not fitting better. I think it would be asking a lot to see significant changes in 96 hours. I don’t know what I was thinking!
Yesterday might as well have been a regular workday for me. I do not usually work Saturdays, but when working on client servers, some operations require significant downtime, and they cannot be performed during normal business hours. Aside from the pain in my knee, I’m doing okay. I would like to see some movement on the scale, but that was not to be. I suspect that is going to take time… I don’t think the scale is going to be good to me for a week or two, and I just have to live with that.
Aside from working, I spent time with my son (the younger) yesterday. I picked him up for a few hours, and we picked up dinner (for him) and brought it back to my apartment. This led to a rather uncomfortable time. You see, when one is drinking a lot of water throughout the course of the day, one has to use the restroom several times throughout the day. I did just that before I left my apartment and took a water bottle with me for the drive. It is a 20-minute drive to get there. I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he told me a restaurant that was a 10-minute drive, mostly in the opposite direction. This meant that the drive from the restaurant to my apartment would be as much as 30 minutes. However, he is my son, and I am happy to buy him what he wants for dinner… especially since I wasn’t eating, so I did not have to concern myself with what I would like.
We called the order in from their place, and we were assured it would be ready in 20-25 minutes. We headed out, and I decided to run an errand along the way, so that we would arrive at the restaurant around the time it should have been ready.
We arrived at the restaurant. I walked in and told the manager that I was picking up an order, but I really needed to use the restrooms first. “I’m sorry, but our restrooms are not open for customers.” Yes, it is because of Covid… and if the food had been ready or nearly ready it would not have been a burden. Instead, I had to wait 25 minutes longer than their original estimate. I then had to drive home (25 minutes). By the time I got into the restroom at home, I am not sure I had ever been in that much discomfort for that particular reason in my life. I have a pretty strong bladder and I can hold it with the best of them… but this was an extreme situation. It was a little funny and a bit embarrassing explaining to my 12-year-old son that I needed to run from the car into the apartment the second we got home.
I remember from my first attempt at the program that sitting with my son the younger as he ate was one of the temptations that was impossible to avoid. I had to be strong and resist. That my son decided he wanted chicken wings – one of my favourites, as well as one of the unhealthiest options – with a side of tortilla chips and queso dip would make it harder for me… but I was not going to falter on Day 3!
I decided that the best strategy was to eat my meal replacement as he ate his dinner. I prepared a bowl of soup and did just that. Of course, he takes longer to eat than I do, but I had planned for that too… or at least it worked out that way. By the time 5:30pm rolled around and we were eating our dinner, I had only had two meal replacements throughout the day. After a bowl of soup, I was able to have a ‘desert’ – a chocolate bar. While I was still drooling over Gilad’s wings, I was able to resist because I was sated, if not satisfied. I even had the willpower to give Princess Sophie a few of the tortilla chips without taking any for myself!
I chatted briefly with my diet buddy today. She was not as religious on the program as she wanted to be, but the pickled carrots that she ate are not the worst thing in the world. She also told me she did not do as well as she wanted to with regard to water intake, and we discussed a couple of strategies that she might use in the future to do better.
Speaking of water, I am not as happy with the water bottle that I purchased as I had expected. The biggest issue is that it is a right-handed bottle. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to drinking, I am ambidextrous; however, the way my desk is configured, it is less comfortable that would be a left-handed bottle. I went looking and found something that I hope will be a more comfortable fit for me. It should arrive tomorrow, and I will report in then!
It is 11:30am on Sunday, and I am going to wait until noon for my next meal replacement. I don’t really have to… but sometimes I want to remind myself that I am the master over my appetite, and not vice versa.
